Is She Too Sexy To Get a Guy To Commit?



Name: Christye
Comment: 43, single white female. 5’5″, 180, big chest and behind. Blue eyes, long black hair. Attractive. Smart.Confident. So I have been single for about ten years. Date but nothing that has even come close to looking like a relationship or even the possibility of becoming one. Almost seems I’m the girl before they find their ‘forever after’. Attractive but not gorgeous, good mom but not baby momma potential, nice but not wifey material, smart but not smart enough?? I always thought there were booty calls or long-term possibilities. But is there that middle woman? Or is it possible that I’m dating outside my league when it comes to the men I go after? I do tend to be picky in regards to education, looks, etc.
Age: 43
City: Gilbert
State: AZ

I’m sure some of the men will hop on your body type and say that plays a part in your experience. Which it does, but not to the extent those guys think. You and I sound like we’re similarly built, though I’m a few inches taller. We are not everybody’s cup of tea.  But we do have an audience. Of course, we had a wider one at 33 than we did at 43. That’s just how it goes. Also complicating things is that it’s possible you’re giving off a fuck me vibe that men are misinterpreting. Listen, some women and men just exude sex appeal. It’s not something they can control, but it is something that gets used against them. Why? Because a lot of peop0le project their insecurities onto them and assume they’re screwing or dating a bunch of other people. That said, it’s not up to you to change your presentation. 9Unless you want to, of course.)  It’s up to other people to get a grip. If someone is going to be threatened by your sexiness or attractiveness, they’re not for you.

It’s fine to be selective about certain criteria as long as you can afford to be. If you’re picky about looks then you need to be honest with yourself about what you can reasonably pull. I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll say it again: the people who find themselves constantly having to chase people are usually the ones batting out of their league. So if you often find yourself wondering if a guy is interested or just after sex or having to always make the first move, then you’re officially fighting out of your weight class. People rarely succeed that way.

The next issue that sticks out to me is that it sounds like guys are dating you briefly and then moving on to someone to whom they commit. If that happens a lot, or has happened frequently, then that’s something to examine. You say you’re not wifey material, but what does that mean? Are you girlfriend material? That’s the middle ground you seek. That’s what you have to ask yourself. Are men seeing you as girlfriend material? Or are you presenting yourself as something else, consciously or unconsciously? If you’re giving guys the impression that you’re open to something casual but aren’t, or only interested in sex, or otherwise coming off too nonchalant about dating, then they’re going to develop a certain impression. Those aren’t the women guys commit to. Those are the women guys date for a time and then move on from eventually. You become a pit stop.

I state very clearly in my profiles on OKCupid, Bumble, and Tinder that I am not on the marriage or baby track. I also check of the “doesn’t want any” option when it comes to kids. To a lot of men, I’m perceived as not looking for anything serious. That wasn’t my intention when I constructed my profile, but that’s the impression some men may get nonetheless.  Complicating matters is that I give off a sexy vibe simply because of my body type and photos. I don’t have a problem showing off my body. I know that a lot of men will view my profile and assume I’m just looking for something casual. This is why I’m probably not considered “wife/girlfriend material.” But, see, I know this. I am aware of this. A lot of men and women really truly are not cognizant of the fact that they present themselves in a way that might not be very appealing to their target market. Furthermore, they don’t actually know what their target market is. If you continuously get traded-in, it’s quite possible men think you’re not looking to settle down.

I always thought there were booty calls or long-term possibilities. But is there that middle woman?

Yes.  She’s the woman you described in your letter, the woman you say you’re frequently mistaken for. Do you not realize that? It sounds like you’re ambivalent about serious commitment but still confused and maybe a little bit hurt when guys move on from you and find someone and get serious with them. Those two things don’t align.

Your objective is to decide what it is that you actually want and make sure your behavior and presentation is aligned with that goal. Do you want a relationship? Then you need to act like it.  It means you have to make it clear – both online and off – that you are open to developing something substantive. It means not serial dating or going out with multiple guys a week. It means being available and open, not aloof.  It requires devoting time and effort to one or two qualified candidates and seeing where things go.

If you’re looking for something short term, well, then I would say keep doing what you’re doing.



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3 Responses to “Is She Too Sexy To Get a Guy To Commit?”

  1. Laura Says:

    I think a lot of people are so scared of being branded as “desperate” or “needy” or “clingy” that they go out of their way to appear as aloof and detached as possible – and they might not even realize just how they come across in the end. Of course other people are going to assume they’re not looking for anything serious.

    Also, while I agree that some people spontaneously give off a strong sexual vibe, and I don’t think it in itself is that big a problem if their behaviour otherwise aligns with what they say they want. But if they just effortlessly ooze sexiness AND are generally wishy-washy about dating, then yeah, others will tend to think they’re simply into fun times.

  2. Parenting Says:

    A decade is a pretty long time to be looking for something you are not finding. I am wondering if she is pursuing “time wasters”. Maybe she is either drawn to or misreading guys who are only interested in casual relationships with her.

  3. CSI Says:

    “Or is it possible that I’m dating outside my league when it comes to the men I go after?”

    Yes, this would be it. If Christye wants commitment, she needs to lower her standards, or up her game. As Moxie and many others have pointed out, men will have sex and short-term fun with women below their “league”, but they rarely commit.

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