I’m Tired of Messaging. How Come Nobody Wants To Meet Anymore?

August 22nd, 2017

NEW!, Online Dating, Tinder

unmatch

On my way to the gym I unmatched all six matches in my Tinder inbox. Then I went to OKCupid and hid my profile. In the past two weeks I’ve made five matches on Tinder and one on OKCupid. Not one of them resulted in an offline date. Every single one of them faded. To be fair, so did I.There was the Javier Badem look-alike who didn’t list his age on his profile. Turns out he was sixty-six. I was totally game for meeting him – though I knew in my gut nothing would come from it – but I never responded to his last email and he never followed up.

Unmatch

Another guy, a 56 yr old yoga fan, asked me last week to meet this Wednesday. I agreed and gave him my number. He said he’d text me from his and then offered his digits. It’s Tuesday and I haven’t heard from him.

Unmatch.

Then there was the TV director/producer who ended up calling me out of the blue and was either suffering from a bout of mania or had just done a large bump of coke.

Unmatch.

Mr. OkCupid, a 47yr old outdoorsy type, and I exchanged messages for three days, with at least a day- long lag between each message. I suggested we meet, he said sure and asked when I was available, I said Saturday. That was two weeks ago. Haven’t heard from him since.

Blocked.

Maybe it’s the time of year – the dead of summer – that has everyone – including me – so apathetic. I’d like to think that’s what it is, but I’m not so sure. It’s easy to get into a rut using these platforms. You match, you message, and if you’re like me – you get bored really quickly.With so little to go on, it’s difficult to make substantive conversation. Maybe I have out of whack expectations. Maybe I should have given some of these guys more time. But who wants to go out with someone who lets several days go by between messages or who doesn’t make a concerted effort to set-up a date? I want to meet people who want to meet me.  Remember the days when you’d meet someone online and be genuinely excited to take this offline? What happened to them?

Thanks to Tinder and Bumble, it’s exponentially easier to match with people. Without the basic stats and bios to read, people swipe based on the first photo. There are no filters on the app so everyone in your desired age/location gets equal exposure. That’s when the work starts. Now you’re tasked with having to find out who these people are and what they like. Am I the only one who gets positively fatigued by this process? I’m convinced this is a big reason why so many people fake and fade now.

Like I said, none of the men I matched with (well, except for the OKC guy) interested me enough to take the initiative and follow-up. And it’s not like I unmatched them then went straight back to Tinder to collect more matches. I didn’t. It seems like all people do now is message. It’s been a struggle to convert a match to an actual offline date.

Just me?

 

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12 Responses to “I’m Tired of Messaging. How Come Nobody Wants To Meet Anymore?”

  1. Beta Male Says:

    You gave these guys more than enough time for them to set up an in-person date. I understand that people have lives but if a date isn’t set up within 3-6 exchanges, regardless of how long of a lag time between messages, it’s obvious you will never ever meet. Frankly I get bored if a meeting doesn’t get set up relatively quickly. I find that a lot of people are into the endless exchange of messages because they want to be absolutely certain there’s compatibility but you cannot determine that without going on a date. It gets frustrating at times.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 2

  2. coffeestop Says:

    Online apps/dating have made it so easy for people who aren’t really looking for a relationship to get the validation of knowing somebody wants to meet them. I don’t understand all these people who talk forever on apps, why? I assume when somebody does not follow up after suggesting a get together they were “talking” to several people at once and got the yes they wanted and met them, are married/in a relationship and are bored or had no intention of meeting. I actually stepped off from online dating, the last relationship I had was from real life, even though it did not work out the idea of running back to online isn’t appealing and I think if you aren’t enthused you shouldn’t bother so I am not.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

  3. fuzzilla Says:

    Last time I was on OKCupid (3 years ago) I did notice an uptick of very minimally filled in profiles, probably due to Tinder’s influence. I was not a fan of that trend at all, and I can totally see how sitting there going, “So…do you like…stuff?” can get tedious as hell when you have so little to go on.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

  4. ShawnInCo Says:

    Yes, I DO remember the days when it was easier and more exciting to meet people online and take it offline. For many of us, though, I suspect that we learned the hard way that pictures, algorithms, and chat do not accurately reflect compatibility and that effortless “flow” the way that real life does. As I’ve said to a few friends, online dating is primarily for people who look GREAT on paper. The rest of us are just in the way (not a bad thing; just know which medium works better for you and make that the primary). Online dating should be a feather in our hats, not the spread of the peacock.

    I think that fatigue cycles for app usage are getting more intense and set on faster because of all of the interactions. Hell, I work in IT and I honestly think that people are fatigued by technology in general. We can’t keep up like we think that we can and companies aren’t exactly getting that memo.

    I think that people appreciate online dating for one of the many reasons that Instagram is so popular – it gives us the most power to control how we present ourselves. Like Coffeestop said, I think this is why a lot of people stay so active on these sites. They still want the fantasy of desirability and power that they sell to others and themselves. After a while, staying in that loop becomes a seductive echo chamber, just like “the gram.”

    However, I think that people are migrating back to the tried and true old school approach because it gives us the most bang for our buck, even if we have to surrender some leverage. Do most of us look THAT good in person as we do on paper? No. But when the chemistry’s there, most of us realize that we didn’t give a damn in the first place. Real life supplies that chemistry. Online dating doesn’t.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

  5. Sunflower Says:

    I find myself copying and pasting conversations because I am constantly repeating myself. I get so frustrated but I keep doing it because my RBF prevents normal interactions.

    The men that do message me I know I won’t like, but I try anyway (because I should, right?). But as predicted, I end up hating them. I think we all have these expectations from the other party and when they don’t live up to it we run. Well, that is my situation.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 5

    • Beta Male Says:

      That sounds depressing.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    • Nia Says:

      I don’t think you “should” message guys back that you have no interest in. Nowhere it is written in The Law that every guy that says “hey gorgeous” gets a conversation with you.

      Go with your gut. If you feel like you’re going to “hate” a guy (which to be honest, is a bit of a weird phrase for online-only interactions, but I get the visceral “NO” reaction, I’ve been there) do HIM a favor and leave him alone or politely turn him down.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

  6. UWSGal Says:

    I had the same exact experience on Bumble. I think you nailed it with the issue of barely filled out profiles. It’s like I match with a guy who looks ok in his pictures, looks like he’s doing stuff that I also enjoy doing – like skiing or biking etc. And what do I say – hi how was your day? what’s your story? It’s just hard to get the conversation going when you literally know nothing about them. I assume people with empty profiles are just window shopping and i swipe left on them. In reality you don’t even know if the profiles are real, active, if they’re actively using the app or just forgot to delete it, etc. So its a huge waste of time.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

  7. Nia Says:

    This was something I experienced that drove me bananas with apps and online dating. There were so many people that seemed like they either:
    Put in zero effort at any stage
    Seemed like they really weren’t ready to be dating for whatever reason
    Seemed interested and enthused, completely panicked and bailed or made lame excuses when it came time to actually meet

    Sure, I went on tons of first dates to nowhere…in 2013. In 2016 it was like pulling hen’s teeth to get a first date. I got *nothing* off Tinder. Bumble was marginally better. My best “actually meet in person” response was CL of all places.

    I think people are starting to see online dating as entertainment, or a game in the true sense of the word, like “Candy Crush” or other online games. They’re bored and are used to auto-liking stuff on IF and FB and not actually cough cough gasp interacting with actual people.

    My general advice is to go to places you love, do things you love, and strike up conversations. Sure, you might meet married guys, gay guys, or guys that aren’t feeling it, but most of your success stories have been all in person, so I’d say that’s your venue.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

  8. Annabelle Says:

    I thought of this post this weekend. A guy indicated interest in me through the meet me feature of OKC. I checked out his profile, which said in the first line that he wasn’t interested in overweight women. Didn’t message him because I’m overweight, and figured he had just looked at my headshot, not my whole profile. A few minutes later, he looks at my profile, which clearly reveals my plumpness, and starts a pleasant conversation with me … then proceeds to block me after an innocuous, on-topic question from me about football. Lol.
    Moving on, I’m messaging last night with a guy who is reasonably attractive, seems to be interested in me, and made it through a whole conversation without a sexual innuendo. But I’m at a loss at how to move it from texting to an actual date. I know. I know. I could ask him. I’m not afraid to do so, but making the first move rarely works out well for me. Any advice is welcome.
    Anyway, Moxie, I share your frustration.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • fuzzilla Says:

      If he messaged you first, then suggesting you meet for a drink isn’t you making the first move. Not that it’s bad and wrong for you to initiate both, but if he messaged you first, that’s a decent indication of interest.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      • Annabelle Says:

        Hmmm. I was thinking about who did and said what when and I realized I’m probably spending too much mental energy on this. Lol.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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