How Not To Fed Up With Tinder & OKCupid

tindead

 

Question: Hi moxie
Texting. Sigh. I was all set up to go on a date next week with a guy I met on ok Cupid. He set me some messages and I replied fairly quickly and we were exchanging messages like they were texts. Nothing crazy just the usual banter. I said something about how it’s easier to talk in real life and he said “we should meet for a drink then” and so I gave him my number and the texting continued with no plans to meet. I told him I’m not a huge texter especially not when I’m at work. I have gotten in trouble with my boss for being on my phone too much in the past. So we made plans. The texting continues into the weekend but it was nothing engaging just “hey” and when I told him about my weekend his response was “same” instead of an actual response so that’s the last text I got from him. I wake up Monday morning to “you don’t seem into me, maybe we’re not a match” this made me very upset because what more can a person do to show that they’re interested besides the occasional text and you know, agreeing to go out. Honestly I don’t know why I’m surprised he did seem more interested in just texting and maybe that was his intention all along, just to text someone and not meet. Had he just cancelled for another reason it would have been one thing but to blame me and say he’s canceling because I “didn’t seem interested” really pissed me off. 

Is this what dating has become? You have to be craft a perfect profile, pick perfect photos, be charming over message, charming over text. All of this work before you even meet! Its exhausting. All of this work and buildup only for something like this to happen. I guess not wanting to text and being vocal about preferring meeting in real life backfired on me. I know your advice is to keep texting brief and I agree but what if it seems they take that as a sign that you’re not interested? Red flag and move on or is this what dating has become?

For years, my advice has been to never give your phone number out until a date is set, and only then give it out the day before or day of the date. Why? Because of exactly what you experienced. Maybe it’s me, but I’m not messaging with anybody on any kind of consistent basis until I’ve met him. This guy sounds super needy and insecure. He sent you that passive aggressive “you don’t seem interested so bye” message to get a reaction out of you. Like you said, what did he expect? You barely knew him. Not to mention, you set down a boundary and told him you weren’t much of a texter and he still continued to message. Those are two very glaring red flags.

Is this what dating has become?

In a word, yes. People are frustrated and annoyed because the flake factor has shot through the roof. We just don’t have patience for this jerkfest anymore. Unfortunately if we want to meet someone we have to put up with it.

You’re experiencing dating burn out, a common feeling of angst that many daters experience. The way to avoid it is to not engage in certain behaviors that more often than not lead to one or both people feeling jilted and confused. Here are some things people should do/not do in order to side-step dating malaise and fatigue.

Post good photos - Face, full body shot, social shot. That’s it. No photos taken at weird angles or at a distance. Do not in any way obstruct your face and body. And you MUST have at least 3 photos.

Don’t reply to anybody who admits in their profile they’re just out of a relationship, new in town, just checking this out, expresses hesitation about online dating, etc – These people are not taking the process seriously or are too embarrassed to be using such a method in the first place. Anybody who starts their profile off with, “My friend told me to do it” it’s an automatic no. If someone can’t admit that they’re on that site or app because they want to meet someone, they’re too stuck in their own head. Dating them will be a series of challenges where you’re taking the lead at all times.  Either they can own it or they can stay home.

Don’t engage anyone with less then 3 photos. – They only post one or two because they either have no recent photos or are only posting pics where they look atypically good. These people are the ones who end up not looking anything like their photos. Since Tinder and Bumble pull photos from Facebook, you can spot the folks who can’t be bothered by their grainy, out-of-focus, old photos. Someone with a reasonably active life will have a series of photos to choose from. If their profile is nothing but fuzzy shots, they don’t care enough to upload decent shots of themselves.

Do not email anybody until you’ve read their complete profile and viewed all of their photos. – You know how it is. You get excited at that primary photo and skim their profile then shoot off a message. But then you go through their pictures and profile text and notice little red flags. Or you realize they posted a wildly inaccurate photo as their primary pic and buried the one where they don’t look as good in the back. This is a great way to piss people off, as you’ve just wasted their time.

Do not respond to anybody without a photo or any other pertinent details. – That is, unless you really enjoy awkward conversations where you have to tell them you’re not interested because you don’t find them attractive. You then set yourself up for weird conversations. People who don’t post photos don’t post them for a reason. They know they’re not conventionally attractive and are hoping to rope someone in with their witty banter or other aspect to their lifestyle/personality. People who don’t post their height or age are also trying to slide under the radar. The goal is to avoid asking or being asked awkward conversations. If you are fudging anything on your profile – and it’s okay if you do – be upfront about it right away.

Do not engage in email conversation past a certain point without setting up a date. - I’ve said this before, exchange maybe 3-4 emails between you (6-8 total) and then suggest an in person meet-up. Somebody has to take the initiate, so do it. These people who write in and say they spent weeks to a month “chatting” with people baffle me. Who has that kind of time to invest in a stranger? If they’re delaying meeting up, there’s a reason, and it’s likely one that will impede any kind of real life relationship. Because Tinder and Bumble and Hinge don’t provide users with enough details about their matches, more messages are required. That is the downfall of most of these apps. People get bored and annoyed. That’s why your bio has to include pertinent basic details and interests. Bios made up us smarmy sarcasm and try-too-hard comedy are a fail. That person has just doubled the amount of work, not just for them but also their matches.

Do not engage the creeps and weirdos. – You are never going to teach someone a lesson or give them one to grow on. It’s not your place to reply to them and try and figure out their particular pathology. Here’s your answer: they’re idiots who think insulting you or asking weird questions or behaving in an odd manner is endearing. If someone emails you to tell you they disagree with something you say in your profile or try to school you, delete and block them. You’re as foolish as they are if you think you’re going to get anywhere with them. I see this on Twitter constantly. People feed the trolls because they love the idea of being a fake badass.

Don’t respond if you’re not interested or tell someone you’re not interested. – No, it’s not a sign of politeness if someone does this. It’s rude. People get off on rejecting folks, that’s why they do it. That or they are completely socially tone deaf. Do not engage. If people still feel entitled to a response, they’re alone for a reason. People who write intro messages begging for a response whether you’re interested or not are just desperate.

Do not ask someone why they weren’t interested. – You will NEVER get the truth, ergo it’s a pointless conversation.

Do not track them down via social media. – Without context, you will not have a way to properly assess their statements or behavior.  Just take them at their word until they give you reason not to.

Don’t pull the safety card in order to see how much info they’ll give you.- I can tell you right now, more and more people are beginning to balk at this because they know it’s a test. You are not owed any kind of dossier on that person you’re meeting for a beer. When they start asking you for money or behaving in a way that is suspicious, then check them out.

Do not confront someone with information you easily and effortlessly found. – I’m talking about marital status and the like. If you were able to find information that easily, that means they either a) they don’t care what you think and b) never had any intention of actually dating you. They also probably have a ready made explanation that they give to everybody that usually works. And let’s face it, if they’re attractive, the lie usually works so the point is moot. Fun fact: I met someone recently. (It’s new. Don’t get excited.) I Googled him, a sign to me that I actually like him, and learned he lied about his age. (M, if you’re reading this, forgive me.) Now, I don’t care at all. I actually suspected he had knocked a few years off when I saw his suggested age range. It was five years younger and 12 years older than his listed age. I side-eye any guy who, in his early forties, says he’ll date a woman in her mid-fifties. Unless he’s reading this, I now have to pretend I don’t know for the time being.

Do not engage in email or text banter before first date. – Like, at all. Make the date and don’t speak until your date. Too often, a false sense of familiarity builds and people get too comfortable or get spooked.

Embrace The Fade – It sucks, it’s not fair and it sometimes really hurts. But people do it, men and women. Sometimes people feel it’s the humane way to go. Sometimes they just don’t care enough to tell you why they’re not interested. Don’t try to rationalize it or make sense of it.

Do not expect them to closely resemble their photos. – A picture is one moment in time. It is a one dimensional representation of how we look. Maybe they had a good hair day that day. Maybe they’ve put on ten pounds since they posted that photo. There needs to be some wiggle room in your expectations.

Reply back in a  timely fashion. - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if longer than 24 hours goes by and someone hasn’t responded, don’t get too attached. Not yet, at least. There’s no excuse for a time lapse longer than a day.

Don’t cancel your first date. - Extenuating circumstances aside, cancelling is going to start you off at a deficit.

Offer to contribute to the tab and send a god damn Thank You text after the date. I don’t care if you said thank you after the date.  – Looking at you, single women. Just do it. Stop complaining and standing on principal and do it. It scores you points.

Don’t listen to the internet. - I’m telling you, all those people talking about all the dates they’re getting are leaving something out of the story. There was one blogger that I used to follow who got several dates a week at 40 years old. Turns out she mentioned in her profile how much she enjoys sex and how important it is. Derp. That’s why she got so many dates. Trust me. You’re not getting the full story.

Don’t quit. – Online dating is hard. It’s arduous and time consuming, but it is like this for everybody. You are not experiencing anything many, many other people haven’t experienced. We all deal with the same nonsense. You have to keep at it. Forget detoxes and breaks. You can take a little hiatus here and there, but don’t delete or disable your profile. Just focus on other things for a couple of days.

Anything else?

 

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5 Responses to “How Not To Fed Up With Tinder & OKCupid”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    **Do not engage the creeps and weirdos. – You are never going to teach someone a lesson or give them one to grow on. **

    This would probably be my #1 piece of online dating advice if anyone asked me, because I think it’s the #1 reason people quit and/or the easy out they take if they really didn’t wanna be there in the first place.

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  2. bdjr Says:

    Moxie, why give the side-eye to a man in his early forties who will date women in their mid fifties?

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    • Rainsparrow Says:

      I think she was saying that it was highly unusual, and cause to doubt his honesty about his stated age, and she ended up being right.

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  3. Chris Says:

    Your last 2 posts have been 2 of the best you have written in quite a while. Thanks.

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  4. Nia Says:

    I agree with this, and the only thing I’ll add is that even with all this, you can still get burned out and fed up. Online dating is hard. It’s very flawed. It can’t compare to meeting in real life and feeling that “click”.

    I think a lot of people still see online dating as what it was when things like nerve, AV club, or very early iterations of OKC were around. It was a place where literate, bookish, shy, very brainy people met because they were an acquired taste, and they realized they needed to meet someone unusual. Now it’s a beauty/popularity contest. What bothers me is: all these hotties with ah MAH zing jobs seemingly have so much trouble meeting someone in real life?

    No. It’s that they’re good looking or good looking enough but…

    They don’t make dating (or the self awareness and work needed to successfully date) a priority

    They have major dealbreakers for a lot of people. Smoking. Drugs. Criminal history and I don’t mean a bounced check or a few points on the license. Lots of kids with different people, etc.

    They have difficult or unpleasant personalities.

    The people that *aren’t* that conventionally good looking are then struggling to compete with these “ringers”—ie, conventionally hot but terrible daters. It’s a mess.

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