Is It a Red Flag If He’s Too Available?

tooavail

Name: Ss16
:
Question: Hi Moxie,

I got back into the online dating game after ending a very painful relationship over 5 months ago. I averaged around 1 or 2 dates a month. Just like everyone else, the experience has been exhausting. Most guys I met have not been bad, although chemistry was rare. Recently I had a date with a guy and I felt that it went well. We had fun speaking and found a lot of common interests and even family background. I normally don’t feel comfortable kissing a guy on a first date but I ended up making out with him a bit before we said goodbye. Before I go on, I should preface that I’m a woman in my late 20s and this guy is in his early 40s. I have always dated older guys as I have found them more mature. I want a family and children and this guy seemed to want the same thing. Only that he seems to want it very desperately. Given that he’s in his 40s and still single, I understand his urgency somewhat but emphasizing 3 times throughout the date that “if I’m lucky enough to have children” and sending me a text immediately after our first date saying “I must say, I’m VERY attracted to you” seems way too desperate to me. It kind of ruined the whole thing as I was hoping we would have a 2nd date.

The 2nd red flag is that he suggested going home for the 2nd date, which I didn’t say no to as I’m attracted to him and wouldn’t mind moving it along. This is usually too fast for me as I wouldn’t consider sleeping with a guy until I know him pretty well.

My question is:

1. He seems quite genuine about wanting a family and kids, which is what I want as well. And I understand that given his age, he would want it quickly. But didn’t he realize coming off as too desperate will not help him achieve that goal any faster?

2. Most of my friends said if he is still single at this age, there must be something wrong with him. I don’t necessarily agree with that as I don’t want to be judgemental. I have had a hard time finding relationships myself and bad luck at dating in general. And I know I’m not alone, especially in cities. It has caused a lot of self esteem issues before, but now I have outgrown that with more life experience. But should I be concerned of the reason an older man is never married?

3. I surprised myself when I didn’t feel too offended when he suggested going home for a 2nd date. This is not how fast I usually progress. Am I being a little desperate as well? Ultimately the 2nd date didn’t happen as I thought there are too many red flags (his text killed it) and he also smokes, which is a deal breaker. I’d like some insights.
Age: 27
Okay. Lots to unpack here.

I always blew right past the dudes online who posted pics of themselves with their nieces and nephews. That – to me – always screamed, “My biological clock is tickin’ like this…”

Those guys are looking for an incubator, not a partner.  That said, keep in mind that all the talk from this guy about wanting kids could be totally for show just to make you think he’s looking for something serious. The fact that he’s trying to have the second date as his place is an immediate red flag. This guy is fast-tracking the relationship. What you need to figure out is why. Is he anxious to settle down or is he just desperate to get laid? The sad truth is, you’re probably not going to find either explanation particularly appealing. Unfortunately for you, if it turns out he is sincere in wanting to start a family and settle down, you’d be a fool not to give this guy a chance. Why? Because, as I’ve said before, the men most relationship-minded women reject are most likely to be the ones willing to commit.

But didn’t he realize coming off as too desperate will not help him achieve that goal any faster?

I’m not sure I agree with your assessment. How many times do women tell each other to lay their cards on the table on the first date and state they’re looking for a serious relationship? It’s quite possible this guy is a little desperate, but don’t dismiss the possibility that you’re judging him because you believe a “real” man would never make himself that available. The fact that he’s a guy and he’s playing the stereotypical female role in this scenario is messing with you.

Most of my friends said if he is still single at this age, there must be something wrong with him.

Yeah, that’s what most of us said when we were in our twenties. Your friends think they’re so wise tossing off comments like this, but really they’re showing their immaturity and lack of life experience. Could there be something “wrong” with him? Probably, since we are all products of our experiences. Nobody gets out of this life thing scar-free. Some of us get banged up when we’re younger and some of us take this hits when we’re older. The most likely-explanation is that this guy was enjoying his unfettered bachelor lifestyle then woke up one day and realized he forgot to have kids. That or he just got tired of screwing around and decided he was ready to settle down. I think that’s how it works for most people. They enjoy being single until they don’t. It’s not a mysterious or glamorous explanation, but it is the one most probable.

I surprised myself when I didn’t feel too offended when he suggested going home for a 2nd date.

That’s because the rules you supposedly live buy exist in your mind. They’re not real. You tell yourself you have certain standards because it makes you sound virtuous, but really you’ll bang a guy on the second date if he’s hot enough. Welcome to the club, where all the members arbitrarily enforce standards to justify their own insecurities and shortcomings.

I totally get not wanting to date a smoker, but that too is total bullshit. You’re considering dating him. That’s crystal clear. You wouldn’t be writing in if you weren’t. You’re embarrassed that you are still interested in this guy because a) you’ve convinced yourself you have higher standards than you do and b) your friends all have you convinced he’s a loser.

My advice to you is to see what this guy is about before you throw him in the discard bin.

Thoughts?

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50 Responses to “Is It a Red Flag If He’s Too Available?”

  1. 40something Says:

    Spot on, Moxie! I agree that just because this guy is talking about starting a family and how desperately he wants kids doesn’t mean caca. Why? I have several guy friends who are in their mid to late 40s who have been spouting that for about 20 years. Some of them were married in those relationships ended. They all love kids and are probably what most women find attractive meaning that they are fit, good looking, and very successful. However, when you get them to the side most of them say they will never pull the trigger at this point and have kids. They enjoy their lives too much. Is it possible disguise serious? Absolutely. Time will reveal that.

    And maybe it’s just me, but we toss that word desperate around a great deal. Are there desperate people out there? Absolutely! Some people are desperate for a relationship. Some people are desperate for companionship. Some people are just lonely. I understand it those aren’t necessarily attractive qualities but I guess I try not to paint everyone with a broad brush stroke (think that’s the analogy:-) But I don’t think saying that you would like to get married or have a family screams of desperation. Hiding under the car of your date like Robert De Niro did in the movie “Cape Fear” seems desperate. Registering at Babies R Us on the first or second date seems desperate. But saying what you want is not desperate. Maybe that’s just me.

    Is there something wrong with the guy? Honestly? Probably. I mean define “wrong” when it comes to humans being single at a certain age.There’s something ahem ” wrong” with all of us in some shape, form, or capacity. Meaning that we all have things we can improve upon. Everyone has lived and had experiences and some of those experiences affect us in profound ways. It doesn’t really matter what your friends think because they are not the ones dating him. However, you are young so you may be easily influenced by your peers.

    If you like the guy then just get to know him. It’s pretty simple. You will either decide that you like him and vice versa or not. The sincerity of an individual is usually revealed rather quickly.

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    • 40something Says:

      Ack. What I was trying to say is that most of my guy friends that are single now will end the relationship when the woman starts talking marriage and children because they won’t pull the trigger at this point. I want to be clear that not everyone is like that but I was just trying to save it because someone says they want something doesn’t necessarily mean they will automatically do it. Red. Pen. Me. :-)

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  2. UWSGal Says:

    I wouldn’t bother with this guy. He sounds too old for the OP anyway. 27 is the time to be really, really picky – you don’t want to get entangled with a guy with major deal-breakers, because by the time this falls apart and you’re in your 30-ies your options will have narrowed. So, choose better the first time around, that’s all I’m saying.

    Future faking is relatively common, i think many people pull it off successfully because they on some level really believe that they want those things (and sometimes they do – the unspoken part is always “but not with you”) which helps them sound convincing and authentic. This is way too much analysis and neurosis for 2 dates, but in general future faking vs. actual intent will be obvious pretty soon. A guy who really wants what he says he wants, and wants it *with you* will push for commitment, for moving in together, for all those milestones himself. If you ever have to *ask* for any of this you know the answer..

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    • 40something Says:

      She’s 27. The flaws or insincerity will appear loooooong before she’s in her 30s. As in years before!

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      • UWSGal Says:

        yes, of course, i meant deal-breakers. As a for-example, say she gets involved with a smoker but really can’t stand smoking, but decides to compromise because he’s otherwise great and promises to quit. When 3 years later he still hasn’t quit and they argue about it all the time and split up she’s 30 and single. This is an exaggeration of course, i don;t think smoking alone will destroy a relationship, but other things and differences in values may.

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    • Parenting Says:

      Future faking – never heard this term but i like it. Yep very common. I love the guys who on a first date will drop lines like “You seem like total marriage material. How are you still single?”. Yeah, marriage material, you know this because you talked to me for 30 minutes.

      I would say that being uncompromising, though, may be problematic as well. Its a fine line to walk between dating every shmo you could never live with just to see if maybe it could work and dropping a great guy over trivial inconveniences you can live with because in marriage/living together its almost a daily compromise of some sort.

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  3. Laura Says:

    I’m not under the impression that this guy is simply the first to come along and she was all like “Oh, what the hell” and just went along with it. She says that she’s dating and that the chemistry is rare, so I guess it means she is being (reasonably) picky, but she still liked this guy. It’s a start.
    And I agree with Moxie that if the supposed deal-breakers really were deal-breakers, she wouldn’t be analyzing this situation nearly as much or asking for advice in the first place, so it’s all moot.

    Not giving someone you like a chance just because your friends tell you to dump him is idiotic. Of course, I’m not saying she HAS to be with him, there can well be a number of things that could go wrong. It’s just that, if you’re that attracted to someone, and there doesn’t seem to be anything obviously wrong or suspicious about them, why not at least try to get to know them a bit better before you decide to move on?

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  4. Yvonne Says:

    I would be suspicious too. If he was really interested in the way that he says, he’d have taken her out on a proper second date. He’d want to wine and dine her, impress her a bit more. He could have done that and still invited her over after.

    Also, the smoking is not a trivial issue, especially if you are interested in having kids. Particularly because he’s older, she’d want a healthy partner, and one who wouldn’t potentially subject her or her children to second-hand smoke. Sure, he could quit, but he either hasn’t tried or been able to so far.

    Yes, she was attracted to him, but her doubts overrided her desire for a second date, and that gut feeling shouldn’t be dismissed.

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  5. Jack Says:

    Yeah, he might be kind of desperate. But if you like him anyway, you can look past it. The smoking might be the bigger issue, because it’s very hard to quit and that’s a life-long health issue. As for your friends who say there is something wrong with him, what’s their relationship status? Could it be a bit of jealousy on their part, or wanting to keep you single so you’re available to hang out?

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  6. Ss16 Says:

    Thank you Moxie for your advice. And everyone else’s insights are very helpful.

    I forgot to mention that I replied “I enjoyed meeting you, too. Let’s talk more next week.” to his text (“I enjoyed meeting you. I hope to see you again. I’m VERY attracted to you blah blah..”) and have not reached out to him myself since. He hasn’t reached out again himself, either. I was having doubts and I think he probably sensed my lukewarm attitude through that text as well. I mean, what was I supposed to say to a “strongly-worded” text like that?

    If I do want to give him another chance, would it be weird to reach out again. It has been over a week since we haven’t communicated. I’m not sure if his lack of response was a telltale sign that perhaps he isn’t so interested after all. I was telling myself that maybe when he sensed that he’s not gonna get laid as quickly as he wanted, he moved on.

    Thoughts?

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    • UWSGal Says:

      Oh dear. Yes, if a man is not reaching out, that means he’s not interested. A man who is interested will reach out. Has the new generation not seen “He is just not that into you”? I think it is available on Netflix. Anyway, if you are gonna seriously date with the goal of settling down, getting married, you will kiss a lot of frogs. It’s a numbers game. You simply can’t waste so much mental energy on a guy with whom you only had one date. To me, the first few dates? After I kiss them goodbye I have **no memory of the incident***. Now, if they keep coming around and asking me out 3-4 times and stay in touch in between, I will start paying attention. You simply can’t be so invested so early on. You will burn out. Good luck out there.

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      • ATWYSingle Says:

        Oh dear. Yes, if a man is not reaching out, that means he’s not interested. A man who is interested will reach out.

        Generally, yes, but not in a situation like this. He texted her and said, “I enjoyed meeting you. I hope to see you again. I’m VERY attracted to you blah blah..” She replied to his text by saying, I enjoyed meeting you too. Let’s talk more next week.” She did not reciprocate the enthusiasm. If anything, her response was stiff and dismissive. That’s the more likely reason why he hasn’t followed up with her. It’s on her to contact him again.

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      • Parenting Says:

        I read the book and saw the movie titled “He’s just not that into you”. The book was solid advise. The movie started off well then went off into crazy land as a relatively homely girl won over the hot bar manager by going psycho on him for not returning her affection. When has that move worked?

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Your reply to his text is why he hasn’t contacted you. He likely thinks you’re not that interested because of how aloof you came off in your response to his text.

      You’re testing him to see just how interested he is while at the same time holding that level of interest against him. If you take anything from his lack of response, it should be that he’s clearly not as desperate as you thought he was.

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      • UWSGal Says:

        I agree that the guy isn’t desperate. He was just saying things he thought she wanted to hear. His game lacked finesse for sure, I mean “I am so attracted to you”? Come on now… And of course it wasn’t genuine. If he really was THAT attracted to her, he would have pursued further. Most men don’t need any permission or encouragement to pursue… when did a lack of enthusiasm stop a man who wanted a woman? Men don’t think like that, they simply go for what they want. He is not interested plain and simple. Consequently, she should not pursue him either, there’s no point.

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        • Theodore Kerabatsos Says:

          “Most men don’t need any permission or encouragement to pursue… when did a lack of enthusiasm stop a man who wanted a woman?”

          And yet when men do pursue despite the lack of reciprocated enthusiasm, we are called stalkers or worse, needy. The woman sent mixed signals, the guy backed off.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            I think Moxie and UWSGal both make good points. Women are always told that if you’re left analyzing a guy’s behavior, he’s not that interested. That if someone is interested, a lukewarm response is still a response, so they’ll keep trying. But I can see how a lukewarm response would be a turnoff.

            I have no skin in the game and I honestly have no idea if the OP is interested in the guy. She calls him “desperate” but cares enough to write to an advice column about the situation. Maybe she’s interested but feels like she shouldn’t be after her listening to her friends rag on the guy..? If she’s really interested, she should reach out and set up a second date. Thinking it through a bit, my gut says she doesn’t really like him but does like the attention he provided (in which case, move on, lotta fish in the sea, etc.).

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        • Parenting Says:

          When did a lack of enthusiasm stop a man who wanted a woman? Umh, all the time unless the man is a stalker or lives within the imaginative mind of a romcom author.

          In this particular case, “lets talk next week” to me sounds like a blow off. If I were a self respecting guy, I wouldnt follow up on that.

          OP, sure ping him. What do you have to lose? My guess is that he would welcome a show of interest from you. I do find it funny that you are only interested in him when he is not interested in you and you have to do the chasing.

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          • UWSGal Says:

            How is this a blow off? This is the type of over-analyzing only a woman (or a super-insecure guy) would do. A normal guy would text her in a few days “hey what’s up? wanna watch a movie?” or something and see if she responds. It’s not like it’s costing him anything. It is a guy’s job to ask for a 2nd date, sorry. If he’s not doing it, he’s not doing it. She may reach out, for sure, but to what end? The guy is likely not interested, he will either blow her off, or worse yet, conclude (correctly) that she’s too invested and try to “pump and dump” her. YMMV. I wouldn’t ask a guy out for a 2nd date.

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            • ATWYSingle Says:

              This is the type of over-analyzing only a woman (or a super-insecure guy) would do.

              No, it’s what someone attuned to social cues would do. Her response was luke-warm at best and he picked up on it, either because it conveyed a lack of interest or because he’s looking for someone as available and interested in a relationship as he is.

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              • Parenting Says:

                Totally agree with what Moxie said. Guys have fragile egos too. When faced with an ambivalent reaction from a woman, under most circumstances a guy will opt not to climb that mountain especially if that guy is a 40 year old who is pursuing a 20-something and is already in long shot territory.

                I dont think she should ask him out either, but if she is interested, I see no harm in making that interest more overt with initiating a friendly chat and see where he takes it.

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          • 40something Says:

            Exactly. What’s the harm in reaching out and saying you would like to meet again (if that’s what OP actually wants)? He will either say yes or no.

            And no, I don’t think OP will look “clingy” or “desperate” for reaching out. If he says no or she gets no response, then she has her answer.

            On a side note, I totally agree with getting the message (albeit mixed) sometimes as to whether or not someone is truly interested. However, I always laugh because we act like this is such a big deal if we reach out and get rejected. Yes, it sucks. Our feelings get hurt but keep it in perspective. I mean really, a few years (or months or even weeks) down the road is it really so awful to have asked someone to hang out again? Think of the stories people tell. “This women asked me out and I was appalled and disgusted she had the audacity to do that after I told her I found her attractive.” Yeah. That’s not really what normal folks think. My opinion is sometimes we make a super big deal out of stuff that’s not a big deal in the grand scheme.

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  7. Daniel Says:

    Listening to everyone else’s advice rather than your own will lead to the self-fulfilling result of what everyone else predicts for you. Unless your judgement is really that poor, stop going by what everyone else deems appropriate. Follow what you want and love.

    Most of dating is posturing and games and testing, until one of the two figures out compatability.

    I spent way too many years following what I thought was dating convention, focussing on features others thought were attractive, or trying to hide my true self until I felt “safe” or until I felt the time was right to open up honestly. A lot of that behavior is because of fear of getting hurt, or because of trust issues, or other hangups.

    Once I started presenting complete honesty about what I was interested in, and about my feelings, upfront and early on, I found the filtering became much easier and hassle free. If I was not liked for who I was, or they thought I was too forward too soon, so be it. It meant we were not compatible. It felt better to move on quickly, avoiding any hurt or time wasters. If they liked me, guess what? Things move faster in the desired direction. I should have approached dating like that much earlier in my life.

    This guy might be doing the same thing now. Just hear him out, and tell him how you feel. If he’s jerking you around, or his actions are different from his words, then you can cut loose. As for your self discloures, there is a higher probability of guys taking advantage of your honest self-information. You need to have a good bullshit meter. Everyone has it. You just need to listen to it (not to your friends’ interpretation of it).

    Nothing in the story says anything has happened yet. It’s just two dates. I agree with Mox about the text message replies. It’s just ambiguous messaging. Just set a next date to find out more.

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  8. Yvonne Says:

    I’m surprised that he didn’t try to set up a legit second date right at the end of their first. That’s what most really interested men would do. But she also mentioned that he wanted the second date to be at his house. If he said that at the end of their little first date make-out session, I could see how she’d be caught off-guard and maybe a little put off. She’s uncomfortable because he says he wants to get married and have kids, but inviting her over for their second date sends a different message. I’ve had interested men invite me over (but not before the 3rd date), but they at least offered to cook me dinner!

    I do think if she is curious and wants to see him again, simply say, “I’d like to see you, but I’m not comfortable going to your place just yet”. If he’s sincere, he’ll respect that, if he’s not, better to know right away.

    I suspect that the OP knows the answer, but as women often do, she is second-guessing and blaming herself.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **She’s uncomfortable because he says he wants to get married and have kids, but inviting her over for their second date sends a different message.**

      Yeah, good point. Plus when there’s a big age gap, the older one is usually in it for sex and doesn’t see the younger one as having serious relationship potential. Okay, fine, not 100% of the time, but usually. So, if someone is trying to buck that stereotype, you think they’d be extra careful not to give off that impression (i.e., would not invite someone over for the second date). “I’m VERY attracted to you” could easily just mean, “Wow, do I want sex with you.” Now I’m kinda getting a vibe like since she wasn’t down for sex right away, he ghosted.

      Awful lot of analysis over someone she called “desperate.”

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      • Yvonne Says:

        I’m a bit suspicious of the big age gap too. And guys who are “desperate” to get laid don’t hang around long if their needs are not met.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          Yup, exactly. Maybe the OP sounds confused because she’s genuinely confused – she does/did like him but was really turned off by the mixed messages. Like, which version of him is for real, the great date guy or the “come on over” guy?

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          • 40something Says:

            Yes. This dude isn’t desperate. Maybe if he had in his mother’s basement for the last 12 years, but sense most don’t fall into that category. Also, if he wanted/expected sex pronto he may have just moved on to other options when OP wasn’t effusive in her response. However effusive one can be over text :-)

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    • Selena Says:

      Yvonne: ” I’m surprised that he didn’t try to set up a legit second date right at the end of their first. That’s what most really interested men would do. But she also mentioned that he wanted the second date to be at his house. ”

      And then he texts her: “I must say, I’m VERY attracted to you”

      He wanted to have sex with her. And not because he was desperate to become a parent.

      She didn’t jump on his train, so he stopped contacting her.

      Yvonne: “I suspect that the OP knows the answer, but as women often do, she is second-guessing and blaming herself.”

      That is my take also.

      She would like to believe because he is significantly older, he is more mature, more *ready* to marry and start a family compared to men closer to her age she has dated. Not the case with this particular one.

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  9. Ss16 Says:

    A little update: I texted the guy back and asked him if he’d like to set up a second date. He waited an entire day to respond and said yes, he’d like to. But he still suggested doing an “in house” date. How should I phrase my response so that it doesn’t sound cold or dismissive but still politely said we should wait to do that?

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    • UWSGal Says:

      This man will NOT date you seriously. He’ll fuck you if you don’t make him work too hard for it (as in, reach out yourself which is what you’ve done, and go to his place so he doesn’t have to get off his couch) but that IS IT. All this “i am attracted to you” talk is garbage, as you’re learning. If you want to fuck him, you can surely do so, but trying to get him to be anything more than that is a waste of time and it won’t work. Look, he wasn’t even interested enough to reach out for a booty call!!! He was waiting for you to do so. Come on now, you should be offended, not strategizing in your head how to “properly” respond to that. The only response would be to “next” him.

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      • Selena Says:

        “Come on now, you should be offended, not strategizing in your head how to “properly” respond to that.”

        *I* felt offended reading his repeated offer of a second date at his house.

        Had she agreed, would his next text have been “Oh, and pick up some alcohol on your way over thanks!”

        Ugh.

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        • UWSGal Says:

          Yup, exactly. This is how women “invent” relationships. Next thing you know she is texting him and coming over for sex and than obsessing why he never reaches out or takes her on a date and her girlfriends say something along the lines “oh he’s just intimidated by you” or “he must be just scared of his feelings”, or “you must really have a talk with him about where this is going!” or some other garbage, all the while the guy is thinking “a 27 yo chick coming over to have sex, and I don’t have to do anything. How cool is that! high five”.

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          • Parenting Says:

            Agreed. Ewww. Bye bye ass hole.

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            • ATWYSingle Says:

              Christ all fucking mighty. None of you even know what this guy said. She’s paraphrasing, not quoting him verbatim. “In house” was her term, not his. For all you know he invited her over to make dinner for her, which is perfectly legitimate.

              SS16 – Tell him you’d love to meet for drinks somewhere. Don’t launch into some speech about not being comfortable going to his place. If he asks you why you don’t want to come over, just say it’s not something you’re comfortable with just yet. If he’s interested, he’ll meet you for drinks. If he’s just looking to hook-up, he’ll bail and you’ll have your answer.

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              • Selena Says:

                ” For all you know he invited her over to make dinner for her, which is perfectly legitimate.”

                Yes, but as a second date? I would think a man in his 40’s would be aware how such an invitation might be misconstrued.

                Especially if the woman he invited didn’t take him up on it the first time he suggested it.

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                • Rainsparrow Says:

                  I agree, I don’t think it legitimizes the date any more of he’s making dinner, the expectation at the end of the night is still the same. The offer of preparing a meal just makes it seem like less of a booty call, lends it a veneer of legitimacy.

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          • 40something Says:

            Agreed. Women do make up that garbage about afraid of their feelings (are they going to get attacked by them?) or wondering why it’s a situationship and not a relationship. It’s right up there with women saying they got played. Sorry. That generally doesn’t happen. We just don’t like what’s before us.

            However, OP is 27. She can make a decision. If she hangs out with the dude and he wants to do the sexay times and she’s good with that, then that’s okay. Just don’t be surprised that it leads to 2 am texts of “you up?”

            OP seems like a sweet girl so maybe she’s okay with casual in this circumstance. As long as she’s good with it then that’s what matters.

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    • Yvonne Says:

      Re-read my previous response. I tell you exactly what to say.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Don’t worry about being polite to people who have shown by their actions that they don’t really give a shit about your feelings or wishes. He’s not twisting himself into a pretzel wondering how to politely respond to you.

      If you don’t want to write him off then just politely but firmly state your boundaries. If he thinks that’s “rude” or doesn’t go for it, that’s his problem.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        I think she should “next” him, absolutely, just allowing for the possibility that she might not want to.

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  10. Selena Says:

    Ss16,

    Have you read the Maya Angelo quote: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ?

    This man is showing you who he is: a dude who wants to have sex with you at his house as a *second date*. If you want to do that, just do it. If you don’t want a casual sex situation with his man…STOP contacting him.

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  11. Ss16 Says:

    Thanks for all of your advice! I think I know exactly what to do now. I texted him back and we’re now scheduling our second date. I responded to his suggestion by saying that I have to work at an event that night (which is actually true) so we should do brunch instead. He agreed. Now we’re trying to decide which restaurant to go.

    Now I won’t be putting too much thoughts into this and will see how it goes. I think giving him the benefit of the doubt for one more time while making it clear that I’m not coming over is enough to test his sincerity.

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    • K Says:

      Good luck! I hope brunch happens. Def next him if you get that text saying he can’t do brunch for whatever reason, but what about meeting at his place…Keep us posted.

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      • Ss16 Says:

        Thanks! Yes, if brunch doesn’t happen, then there’s absolutely no point in wasting my time any more. It’s going to be next weekend as both of us are booked up this weekend. I will keep you guys updated.

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    • Selena Says:

      Clever solution Ss16. ;-)

      Looking forward to your update.

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  12. Speed Says:

    No harm in the OP dating this guy. You never know where things might lead, and it’s impossible to know where things might lead purely from analysis. Also, some people are clumsy daters but awesome partners (the reverse is also very true, I’ve experienced). So, again, no harm in at least seeing where things lead. It’s good to be positive, even when things aren’t clear.

    That said, I wouldn’t bet on this guy being Mr. Right. Frankly, he seems a little immature and idealistic, gushing about how he finds her “so attractive” and about “raising a family” on the first few dates. There’s actually nothing wrong with these kinds of thoughts and speculations racing through your head on a date if you’re truly impressed with someone—but they shouldn’t come out of your mouth. This is the difference between a teenager and an experienced middle-aged adult. Well-chosen compliments (“I like your tie,” “nice dress” etc.), yes. Gushing about how awed you are about someone? No. Share the info with your best friends, not your partner on a first date.

    I’m suspicious of this kind of gushing. It suggests a person is living in a type of dream world and has idealized you. Once the fantasy is broken, trouble comes. In a best case, after the real mundane life of a relationship sets in, he bails (and hopefully this is before you get married and have a couple of kids).

    The fact that he’s middle aged and still single lends further credence to the strong possibility that he’s a fantasist. Middle-aged fantasists (men and women) are heavily overrepresented on apps and dating sites, in my experience. And yes, I’m a hypocrite because I’m also a middle-aged never-married man.

    Anyway, no harm in going forward. Maybe this guy is a potential Prince Harry or something. Be positive. But hedge your bets.

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  13. Ss16 Says:

    Hi all,

    Update-

    As some of you predicted, the guy agreed to brunch and then texted me a few days later saying that his friend’s mom just died and he had to go to a funeral on the weekend. He said we should do drinks instead of brunch after he’s back.

    I deleted him right after this. Looks like he was after the sex after all and brunch seems like a waste of money to him. I’m already setting up dates with other men. “Next!”

    Thank you all for your advice. It really helped me see things clearly.

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