Why Do Men Pretend They’re Interested Just To Ghost Me?

why-do-men-lie

Name: Joanna
Comment: I met a great guy at speeddating in August.  We went out once shortly after we met, and our date was awkward.  I didn’t think much about him until recently, and on a whim, I reached out to him to see if he’d be interested in a second date.  He was interested and told me I was “intelligent, fun, and gorgeous.”  We went out again and this time, we hit it off.  We talked about going out again the following week and spoke about some concrete dates.  We texted a bit over the following week, and when I mentioned going out again, he gave me some excuses about being called away on a business trip, and not knowing what his plans would be towards the end of the week, but he’d let me know.  Well, it’s the end of the week and we have no plans.  Since I’m a “intelligent, fun and gorgeous” person, I made other plans.  I’m not going to sit around and wait for him.  But I’m hurt.  It’s hard to find a connection with someone and I feel let down.  He doesn’t owe me anything – we only went out twice – but he told me that he hasn’t been attracted to someone “like this” before and he also told me he liked my personality.

I could think it is me, but it sounds more like it’s him.  I could say “He’s just not that into me” which could be true, but I also think the timing may be off.  Should I just write him off?

 

The writing was on the wall after the first date. That you had to follow up with him was the biggest red flag of all. When you have to prod and poke someone to get them to go out with you again, that’s a pretty good sign that either they have other – in their mind better – options or they’re not that interested. I’ve said this before: people are as sincere as their options. A lot of men would accept a woman’s invitation for a second date because they think it might lead to sex. I would say ninety-nine percent of the time if a guy doesn’t follow up after the first date or if he bails in the middle of your initial messaging session, he’s not interested. Full stop.

“But if he just gets to know me I bet we’ll really click!” That is not a realistic or common outcome of these scenarios. Maybe on TV it happens, but not in real life.

That is not a realistic or common outcome of these scenarios. Maybe on TV, sure, but not in real life. Most of us have dated enough to know what we like and when there’s chemistry. Don’t set yourself up for failure by thinking someone just needas a little more time to see your greatness. They don’t.

He was interested and told me I was “intelligent, fun, and gorgeous.”

This is a personal pet peeve of mine. Most men that offer such glowing compliments like this to a woman they barely know is either really socially awkward and trying too hard or completely disingenuous. They’re either telling us what they think we want to hear because they don’t know what we actually want to hear or they’re just trying to sweet talk us. Either way, it’s a red flag for me.

This guy only said yes to the second date because he thought he’d get laid. You followed up with him after he blew you off, making yourself look too eager. He thought, “Jackpot!” When he didn’t get laid after that date, he moved on. Easy squeezy lemon peasy. We could do the, “Oh girl, you dodged a bullet!” thing that the ladeez like to do, but why? Things like that are only said so the woman can feel better about potentially having bad taste in men, dating far out of her league, or chasing a guy who wasn’t interested in her in the first place. We really need to stop enabling each other’s delusional behavior. It’s not helping anybody.

He doesn’t owe me anything – we only went out twice – but he told me that he hasn’t been attracted to someone “like this” before and he also told me he liked my personality.

That would be a lie. He lied. He was trying to make you feel “different” and “special.” He probably uses that line on the majority of women he dates. Even the ones he doesn’t find attractive. Most of the time when a man says things like this so soon he’s tapping in to a woman’s competitiveness with other women. He’s trying to exploit that for his benefit.

I could say “He’s just not that into me” which could be true, but I also think the timing may be off.

Oh no. He’s just not that in to you. It’s been four months or so since you first met. His schedule isn’t that bad. He’s just not that interested. Don’t make the mistake many women make and try to rationalize this. It’s been several months. It’s over.

It’s hard to find a connection with someone and I feel let down

But…where was the connection? You may have felt it, but he clearly didn’t. He needs to be connected, too, in order for things to work properly. Just because he said all the right things and the conversation “flowed” and things maybe got a little touchy feely doesn’t mean the connection was mutual. This is where you’re going wrong. You thought the feelings were mutual. They weren’t. He probably has the same date with multiple women every week and dodges texts and emails and has last minute trips all the time.  This is what he does.

The only thing you did wrong in this scenario was go back for more. But it’s done, and now you should pursue other options.

Thoughts?

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20 Responses to “Why Do Men Pretend They’re Interested Just To Ghost Me?”

  1. Confused First Timer Says:

    You say you won’t give her the “you dodged a bullet” line, but aren’t all these “he probably did that because xyz” ego strokers the same thing with more words? He might not have been a bullet to dodge whatsoever. He might not treat women badly in general. He’s just human, like you, and he either wasn’t feeling it or he really is busy. Either way, it’s not in the cards for the two of you and he chose the closest exit. Ghosting really isn’t the big deal people make it out to be. Stop expecting exit interviews from every stranger you share a meal with and just move on.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I guess it depends on what your standards are. I don’t like disingenuous people. I also don’t say things I don’t mean because it’s not fair to the other person. Maybe you shrug stuff like that off but I don’t. Going out of his way to tell her how great she is and discussing possible nights to go out again just to blow her off isn’t just rude it’s cruel.

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      • 40something Says:

        Exactly, Moxie. And who the pho expects an exit interview? Just don’t ask. Don’t text. Or if you do say “thanks but not interested.” Or “nice meeting you and good luck!” The end. Again, we aren’t asking anyone to solve pi or write a thesis.

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  2. Brahman Says:

    “But if he just gets to know me I bet we’ll really click!” That is not a realistic or common outcome of these scenarios. Maybe on TV it happens, but not in real life.”

    This

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  3. Jesse Says:

    The advise may be solid, but why does it have to sound so cynical ……

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  4. John Says:

    “Most men that offer such glowing compliments like this to a woman they barely know is either really socially awkward and trying too hard or completely disingenuous”

    I don’t think its the socially awkward choice- most definitely disingenuous. When guys do this, they know what they are doing. It is totally priming the pump. Don’t know what age the LW is, but I have heard story after story from divorced women who had exes that never complimented them. Or disparaged them. Or ignored them. And so there is a good chance that many of those women will eat those words right up.

    And why? Because they want that validation after not getting it for so long. And that makes it easier to get sex.

    I remember Andrew Dice Clay saying on a show- “Tell a fat chick she has a great ass and she will blow you all night long because she never hears that”. It worked in the 90s and still works today. If someone like Moxie wont fall for it, then who cares? There is another woman right around the corner who wont be as astute.

    So when a guy gives out those glowing compliments so soon, he isn’t awkward- he is a player who knows what works.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Tell a fat chick she’s got a great ass and she’ll blow you all night long.If someone like Moxie won’t fall for it…”

      I see what you did there.

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      • bdjr Says:

        Actually Moxie, I see what YOU did there…

        You assume he’s subtly slamming you because of your weight. But when I read it, I assumed “someone like Moxie” meant hard to fool, or experienced with people.

        Self-confidence Moxie, self-confidence.

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        • ATWYSingle Says:

          He has a history of commenting on my weight. Thanks for mansplaining though. Super helpful.

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          • John Says:

            Moxie,
            This was certainly not a subtle dig at your weight. “Someone like Moxie” was referring to someone who can see right thru the pickup line. Not a weight reference. I apologize if the sentence was vague to make you think otherwise.

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          • Sheba Says:

            What is the shit you keep getting about your weight, Moxie? You are fit, healthy and a fucking knockout. I know you don’t need validation from me or anything like that, but I have never understood how a woman who looks like you gets so much shit and is apparently “average”. You’re a stunner.

            Is NYC really this insane?

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            • Shadowcat Says:

              Unfortunately yes, and Los Angeles is much worse from what I’ve been told, though I’ve never dated there.

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              • Sheba Says:

                Well I can sort of understand that because of Hollywood and all the beautiful aspiring actors and actresses thronging the place. But NYC? I’ve been there, it’s a fun and vibrant city, but I can’t think of any reason why it should be swarming with catwalk models. To my recollection, it wasn’t. Some very attractive people, mostly ordinary looking people.

                You could have airlifted 200 people randomly, plonked them in the middle of Leicester Square or Hyde Park and there would really be no difference.

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    • Mark Says:

      For the most part I’m inclined to agree with John on this one. After all, there was the just-not-feeling-it 1st. She then contacted him on the 2nd go round. Not the other way around.

      I really think it’s a matter of he really didn’t say or do anything that you would not expect. Not really.

      As for the “lie” aspect. Very possible. Indeed quite likely. But I think it’s along the lines of he really didn’t make any promises that you would expect him to keep.

      More broadly, I don’t think that there is a living soul who hasn’t told a lie of some sort. Even if it’s the protective white lie to save someones feelings. I know I have.

      To the LW, I think you would be correct to simply chalk this one up. Act when the iron is hot. In this instance the first encounter left you with a flat feeling and yet you continued. But At 48 yrs you probably knew this already.

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  5. CT Says:

    This is a lot of energy to spend on one guy that wasn’t really into you. It’s life. Harsh? Well, yeah, this is what happens in dating. Not everyone is a match. This one was a learning experience. And we tell ourselves lies like “he must have liked me because he went out with me. Timing is off/he’s busy with stuff/blah blah blah” to soften the blow to our ego that the other person really didn’t like us. It happens. It’s time to stop dissecting it and move on.

    And to the commenter who quoted Andrew Dice Clay–barf.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Or my favorite – “He pulled away because he was afraid of his feelings/how strong his feelings were for you.”

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  6. 40something Says:

    I am going to be blasted for this response and I’m okay with that. I don’t think people (men in particular) are as conniving or disingenuous as we tend to think. If a guy has a little game, he can sense when a woman is anxious or looking for something. It’s not that difficult to spot. Many women get a significant amount of validation from men. Am I attractive? Am I sexy? Those positive answers generally carry a lot more weight from men than from their girlfriends. Because most women don’t date their female friends. Most* women (not all) are looking for relationships more so than men. I think peeps go out and he thinks “she’s cute. I would hit that.” But they may be busy with work, think this chick is too much work, have a nice rotation of easy, drama free booty, thought the woman was annoying, have an actual gf, or any number of other things. Yes, it sucks to be rejected. And yes, there are folks who don’t want to date you. But it doesn’t mean you aren’t *good enouugh*. They just want something or someone else. Free country. Regardless, the end result is they don’t want to be with you, so move on.

    I may be in the minority in this part as well. However, I do not think just because someone rejtects you that you are batting out of your league. It *is* possible the other person *thinks* they can score better, but that doesn’t mean they are outta your league. Nonetheless, end result is the same. They don’t want to be with you so find someone who does.

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    • Selena Says:

      When I have rejected someone it has rarely been because they said or did something glaringly *wrong*. It was almost always because I didn’t feel enough attraction – physical + personality. A sense of…eh, not for me.

      When I recognized *I* have done this – I considered how men I went out with (who ghosted without a word) may have felt the same regarding me. Just not enough “there” for them to want to continue.

      People can “get caught up in the moment” sometimes. It’s wise I think, to take compliments and a show of enthusiasm as enjoyable, but not too seriously coming from someone you don’t\ barely know.

      From the letter:
      “I didn’t think much about him until recently, and on a whim, I reached out to him to see if he’d be interested in a second date. He was interested and told me I was “intelligent, fun, and gorgeous.”

      Men contact women when they themselves are interested.

      Women contacting uninterested men “on a whim” often doesn’t result in much. Casual sex sometimes. Might want give some consideration about the why the “whim” before making the contact?

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  7. Nia Says:

    I think the key is in the first few sentences…”The date was awkward.” If it was awkward (or if that’s your key memory of it, not “It was so-so, with some great moments and a few stumbles”) it’s probably not meant to be. Most first dates with good matches have an overall good “flow”.
    If the first date is not clicking, why would subsequent dates click more? Not everyone is a charmer on the first date, but if it feels awkward, it’s usually because you’re not making a connection, and there’s not really one to be had!

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