Avoid The Deadbeat Date


Name: Ashley
Question: Dear Moxie,
I am mulling over the decision to have a second date with this guy I recently met. I am feeling attracted to him, and because of that, I think it would be best if I asked someone for honest feedback on this situation. I asked him out on a date, and we met the other night. We met at a moderately priced bar that he chose. We talked for two hours over cocktails, beer, and appetizers. His tab was about $15 more than mine. When the check came we both put our cards down. The waiter took it and split it down the middle. Even though my tab was less he didn’t even say thank you to me. I drove him home after that, and he still no thank you for that. He wants another date, but I am feeling on the fence. Am I too picky for not wanting to date a cheapskate?
Age: 28

What about this scenario makes you think this guy is even interested in you?

  • You had to ask him out.  (Obvious sign he wasn’t interested.)
  • He chose the location of the date. (Rude)
  • Neither you nor he offered to pay the bill. (You asked him out, therefore the bill was your responsibility.)
  • You drove him home. (Ugh.)
  • He never even thanked you. (UGH!)

You’re not being picky enough. This is a no-brainer: stop pursuing this guy.  This is a perfect example of why I am so opposed to women asking men out.  A guy will accept such an invitation – even if he’s not interested –  because there’s a potential to get laid or get a free meal.

“But but but…women do this too!”

Congratulations for arriving at that inevitable observation. Yes, women do this, too. The difference is the stakes involved. Will a woman accept an offer to dinner despite knowing she is not attracted to a man? Yes. Will she pretend to be interested in this guy so he’ll sleep with her? Not likely. Will a man feel used if he does sleep with a woman only to get ghosted? Probably not. The getting laid part will certainly help him get over the initial disappointment. At the very least, he got a return on his investment. On the flip side, thanks to years of being told we’re to blame whenever a man acts inappropriately, women will internalize the situation and beat themselves up for sleeping with a man only to be blown off. Yeah, a guy might be out $100, but he’s used to shelling out money on a first date knowing there might not be a second date. Women haven’t had the same level of grooming for such moments. A woman should ask a man out only if she is perfectly okay with the possibility that a guy might be insincere. If that’s the case, have at it.

If you meet someone online, let the person who sent the initial message be the one to initiate the date. Give the green-light by letting them know you’d be keen to meet, but let them make it official. If you’ve exchanged several (say more than 8-10 each) messages and there’s been no talk of meeting up, there’s a reason. People should be anxious to take things offline these days. Anybody prolonging that part of the process is dragging their feet. That should be an immediate red flag.

If a woman drops enough hints and a man is interested, he will ask her on a date. I’m not buying the shy excuse. Gone are the days when a man has to ask a woman out face-to-face. There are a myriad of ways to invite a woman for a drink that softens the potential sting of rejection.

Ashley, this guy took you up on your invitation because, eh, why not? He made literally zero effort to impress you or take your needs into consideration. You chauferred him to his doorstep after paying the lion’s share of the tab, a tab from a venue he chose. And let me guess, he didn’t send you a follow up text after the date to express his gratitude, either, right?

Gurl, check your standards and ditch this guy.


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12 Responses to “Avoid The Deadbeat Date”

  1. Noquay Says:

    Sooooo agree
    While I will indicate interest on line, send an email about something on his profile, no way will I initiate meeting. Have had folk initiate meeting, then drove a distance to meet them, then they want me to split the check. Sayonara. I don’t buy the “he can’t afford it” nonsense either, these are high end professionals. Besides if you can’t afford to take a chick out, you have serious financial issues to address.

  2. fuzzilla Says:

    Eh, I initiated meeting after he initiated messaging on OKCupid and we’re still together over 3 years later. I had definitely absorbed the advice not to pursue a man too hard, but I figured this was low stakes since he reached out first. He paid and initiated thereafter.

    Agree with Moxie’s advice otherwise, though – write this one off, OP, and don’t do so much heavy lifting right out the gate next time.

  3. Bethany Says:

    I don’t really see any of these things as dealbreakers. I’m the type of person who tends to split checks down in the middle rather than break it down by how much was spent by each person. It’s just easier and it evens out in the end and it’s just not a big deal to me (the obvious exception is when a friend has ordered something very small or stuck to the specials to save money).

  4. Sheba Says:

    I agree with Moxie on this. I’m all for women having sex on their own terms without apology, absolutely. But I do find that a man who wants you will pursue you, in his own way. If you have to do the chasing, you’re likely to get a yes even if he isn’t that into you.

    If I think of the men who genuinely liked me, they all pursued me in their own ways. Some were more traditional or assertive than others, but they all did it. Harry was painfully shy and used to leave flowers on my doorstep, ring the bell and run away. When he had no car, he would walk for two hours to do it. He was a bit socially awkward (but a lovely sweet person) but he still pursued in his way.

  5. 40something Says:

    I’m trying to figure out why she wants to go out with him again??? Not trying to be a smarty pants, but well I will. What was she attracted to?

    Maybe he wants a second date because he liked the attention he got from her on the first.

    • Ashley Says:

      OP here. It was just physical attraction, combined with the fact I am starting to get dating burn out. I’ve decided to take a step back from dating around for a while.

      • 40something Says:

        Gotcha. I know how difficult it can be to find someone you are physically attracted to but, eh, if that’s all he’s bringing I suppose you could do casual if you feel comfortable with that. If not, I totally get it. Never hurts to step back and regroup with you are getting burnt out. Good luck!

      • ? Says:

        Hi Ashley.

        Not sure why you branded him a cheapskate. After all, you did invite him, and he did pay half the tab. Did you expect him to end up paying for you both ? That’s not very fair.

        Rude, yeah sure. But then agin men have always been the initiators so he probably did not realise he had to thank you for a fine evening, even if he did not think it was. Maybe he thought getting back to you with a Thanks you for a fine evening was encouraging you to ask him for more dates.

        I always thank my dates after the fact, even if I never want to see them again. Quite a few took that to mean that I wanted to continue seeing them, which led to a lot of awkwardness and misunderstanding.

        • 40something Says:

          I don’t think men are always initiators from what I can tell. Often times, yes but that certainly isn’t an absolute. And , no thanking someone does not indicate “interest.” It is expressing appreciation or gratitude. If someone interprets a “thank you” as interest, that’s on them. And it’s perfectly nice to decline another date with a “don’t think we are a fit and good luck!”

          • ? Says:

            Of course it doens’t. I’m just saying that in my experience, people have misconstrued thanks for continued interest. Not saying that is right. People without social nous really should not be dating. Particularly with online dating, you need a particularly thick skin and expect a lot of socially inept and outright rude people. You are making yourself particularly vulnerable when you initiate so if you can’t handle the rudeness, lack of consideration and pure sociopathy, best to skip online. That goes for men too.

            • Yvonne Says:

              We have no idea how she met this man, if it was online or IRL. Not only that, but she says he wants a second date, so his lack of a thank-you didn’t stem from his not wanting to see her again. She wrote because she isn’t sure she should go out with him again. Not thanking someone is impolite; it doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, or how you met.

              • ? Says:

                Yeah I assumed online because dates you meet through friends and family almost never behave like this. Neither do people whom you know and interacted with prior to going on dates with them.

                Unfotunately, human nature being what is is, they will regress to their basest natures if they can get away with it and if there were no repercussions for them.

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