Why The Hot Guys Online Probably Won’t Date You

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Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Furious

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Comment: Moxie I’m at the end of my tether. I’ve just come off a dating site having had a 4 month stint. I decided the calibre of men on this site wasn’t for me and I would rather be pursued in person. I had 3 good dates with 3 separate men. I am a pretty girl so I get inundated with messages about my looks but I have insecurities about my weight (UK size 12-14) which is why I felt the need to sign up (I’m working on these). Note: my photos are all about good angles and I’m clear my body type is average not slim. My issue is therefore not getting asked out but actually that men never follow through with it and I’m sick of it. :( In these 4 months I have had maybe a dozen exchanges with men who I want to meet who set a date with me and never follow through and it leaves me feeling powerless. Perfect example would have been yesterday evening when I should have been on a date with a handsome guy, my age in my industry but I didn’t hear from him since Monday when he referenced the date! What am I doing wrong? All I want to do is send him a sarcastic message saying “thanks for the date!”
Age: 27
City: London
State: London

Note: my photos are all about good angles and I’m clear my body type is average not slim.

This is the clue that unlocks this mystery.  Guys are fading on you a) because fading and flaking is at an all-time high and b) because they can’t tell what you look like and assume you’re hiding something. Which you are.

Having your potential date fade is de rigueur these days, but there are things you can do to lessen the likelihood they’ll blow you off.

1. Post clear and accurate photos to your profile – Are these men asking for additional photos? If so, that’s a sign that the pictures you have don’t present your body in a way so as someone can gauge whether or not you’re their preferred body type. It could also indicate that you don’t look relatively similar in the photos you have posted. Meaning, you may look noticeably slimmer in some pictures than others. So I would get a few friends to look at your photos and ask them if they’re accurate.  Avoid pictures of you sitting down. They should be shots of you standing up, facing the camera, unobstructed. Don’t hide your curves. Show them off. If you look like you’re twisting yourself into a pretzel just to look more attractive, guys are going to sense your discomfort with your body.

You and I have similar body types.  For those of you who hear “Size 12″ and think, “Ermergard so fat!” this is an example:

Not bad. I wish i knew how to take better photos, though. #yoga #legs #progress #dontquit #fit #fitnessmotivation #squats

A post shared by Christan Marashio (@atwysingle) on

 

I defy any man to say that body isn’t attractive. Of course, there will be some, and that’s okay. I happen to believe that our body type is more attractive to some men than they are willing to admit. As I mentioned recently, there’s status involved with dating someone who is considered conventionally attractive. Just like some women won’t be seen with a short guy because she fears people will assume she’s desperate, so are there men who exclusively date conventionally slender women for the same reason. God forbid they show up at their reunion or company picnic with a fattie. What will all of their Facebook friends think?

2. Don’t do all the heavy lifting. - If you have to initiate the conversation and suggest you meet offline, there’s a really good chance the other person is just going along with the conversation with no real intention to meet you. They’ll keep you in the arsenal just in case, but they aren’t going to go out of their way to meet you. Recognize when you’re doing the majority of the work and back off. Let them make a move. If they don’t, they’re lukewarm about meeting. By doing all the work, they’ll assume you’re desperate and you’ll end up out with a guy who will say anything to get into your pants.

3. Follow up - What is transpiring during these conversations when you set up the date. Are you making plans and then going radio silent? If so, take the initiative and follow up with them a day before the set date and confirm. Are you just saying, “Hey, we should meet for a drink?” and they’re agreeing but not making any more effort? Well, then there’s your answer. In those cases, just walk away. You don’t want to go out with someone who doesn’t show genuine interest in meeting.

4. Be proactive. - Don’t just accept the invitation to meet for a drink. Respond and say that you’d love to meet up and then suggest a couple of nights. Then settle on a time and place to meet and tell the person you’ll follow up the day before to re-confirm. Take control. A lot can go down in four days when you’re dating online. That’s how fast things move. You can not sit back and wait for the other person to make a move. Online dating requires a certain level of assertiveness. Forget about worrying if you seem like you’re chasing them by confirming. You’re not.  If they’re interested enough, they won’t care. The ones who were meh about you will back away, and thank god for that. You don’t need them.

5. Avoid the half-assers -  The smart thing to do when it comes to online dating is to avoid anybody who doesn’t look like they’ve made a concerted effort to present themselves well. I’m talking about the people with a barely filled out profile or who have only posted one or two photos. This is where knowing your audience is crucial. Which brings me to my final point…

6. Be honest with yourself. - That all of these guys keep flaking definitely raises an eyebrow. Also interesting is that you referred to the most recent guy as “handsome.” That’s not necessarily a huge tell, but combined with the flaking it makes me think you’re going for guys with a lot of options and they are merely entertaining you for the moment. So my other suggestion is to aim a little lower. Yeah, I know. That sounds like I’m telling you to settle, and I suppose I am to some degree. Online dating simply isn’t something you utilize to find your Dream Man. Matt Bomer and Mark Ruffalo look a likes aren’t likely to be on a dating site or app. If they are it’s unlikely they’re there looking for Ms. Right.The conventionally attractive people are being pursued. Trust me on that. That leads them to be super picky, probably pickier than warranted. You’re going to have to really wow them to get them to meet you. If you can do that, go for it. But if not, accept that maybe you need to go for the guys that you initially rejected. Revist them. Maybe you were in a bad frame of mind when you gave them a pass.

We all want that catch we can show off on social media, but what really makes me feel that stab of jealousy is when two people look truly, sincerely happy together. What the man or woman looks like is secondary.

As depressing as this sounds, the lower your expectations are the more success you’ll have with online dating.

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18 Responses to “Why The Hot Guys Online Probably Won’t Date You”

  1. UWSGal Says:

    U.K. Size 12 is us size 8

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    • Yvonne Says:

      Unless you are very short, US size 8-10 (UK 12-14) would be considered average weight for most women, not overweight. I am not picking up that you are hiding anything with your photos, just trying to present yourself in a positive light.

      I’m confused because you say you “had 3 good dates with 3 separate men.” Was that from online dating or in-person meetings? What happened to those men?

      You also say you signed up for online dating because of insecurities about your weight, also confusing to me. Maybe you should try to work on those negative perceptions of yourself before trying to date. Dating online can be really frustrating, and may only exacerbate your insecurities.

      However, you say you’re pretty and get inundated with messages. My take is that you may not be screening men carefully enough. I think you need to interact with them more prior to meeting in order to separate the ones who are really interested from those that aren’t. Make sure you are only setting up dates with men who seem reliable and are very interested in meeting. Exchanging just a couple of messages isn’t going to tell you that.

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      • UWSGal Says:

        I am not the letter writer. I was just merely pointing out the fact that UK size 12 and US size 12 are two very different types of bodies and should not be confused. Yes, UK12/US8 is best described as average and it is in no way overweight or even “heavy”

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      She’s a size 10/12 in US sizing. UK size 12 is a 10 and size 14 is a 12. Size 10/12 in the US is widely considered by men to be “big.” If she’s listing her body type as average then that’s a pretty good sign that she’s not considered conventionally thin.

      If she were just dealing with a bunch of flakes I’d write it off as typical online dating behavior. She went on 3 “good” dates that didn’t result in a second date and she’s getting several men that show interest then bail. She admits she’s working on her weight and that she “works her angles” in her photos, which to me translates as, “My photos aren’t accurate.” Put all that together (especially the 3 in person dates that went nowhere) and the most likely answer is the men she’s messaging online aren’t sure what her body looks like and the men she’s meeting offline don’t think she looks like her photos.

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      • Yvonne Says:

        I had to look up the sizing and the charts I saw showed UK14 = US10 and UK12 = US8. But again, I don’t know her height or build. Thanks for clarifying about the 3 dates.

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          Mind you, I know people who are probably no bigger than a US size 6 claiming that they’re too big and need to lose weight, so the LW could just be being really hard on herself!

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        • Sheba Says:

          US sizing is generally two sizes smaller than UK sizing. When the size 0 debate was a hot point a few years ago, it was often noted that this was equivalent to a UK size 4. Which barely exists.

          Size 12 – 14 is not fashion model skinny, but it’s not fat in any reasonable universe, unless perhaps if you’re very short. (When I was a size 16 I was considerably bigger than Moxie here- I don’t believe she’s a UK size 16 at all.) Catalogue models for outerwear are generally a size 8-10, lingerie models are usually a size or two larger. Plus size clothing is generally understood to start at size 16.

          So I don’t think it’s OP’s weight that might be turning men away (and if it is, bollocks to ‘em). I suspect it’s more to do with the fact that she’s self conscious about her size, for no reason, and this might be coming across. She may not be ‘working the angles’ in the photos as much as simply not standing proud and confident, and the same could go for real life.

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  2. Jennifer Says:

    I agree with it. Admittedly, I am hooked by handsome guys, as we all are. But of course the prettiest people will have more people that desire them. So, yeah, aiming for the “less attractive people” who don’t have a lot of matches, will give you better rates.
    But again, there is a thin line between aiming lower and settling.

    Yeah you can find someone who is nice and loving, but what if there is no attraction? It seems like physical attraction is something that we don’t control, hence we fall easier for the handsome guys.

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    • Selena Says:

      When I was in my 20’s I believed if the *spark* wasn’t there right off, it never would be. *Spark* being defined as physical attraction – finding the man’s face handsome.

      In my 30’s, and later my 40’s, I found there were times when I didn’t think I was attracted to a particular man, but I enjoyed talking to him. The more time I spent talking to him, the more I liked him, and the more I liked him, the more attractive he became in my eyes. Didn’t happen every time, but it has happened enough that I realized “chemistry” – for me – is a combination of both physical and personality attraction.

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      • Treifalicious Says:

        I agree and my attraction patterns have evolved the same way, but it seems men don’t operate that way. Time and Time again men themselves tell me they’re either attracted immediately or not all all ever. It seems letting attraction develop like that is good for you as the woman but the guy needs to be wanting to get romantic from the outset and not a second later or you just end up with a good buddy…

        The solution send to be too late men your not affected to, give them a month or two to grow on you and then cut bait if your still not feeling attracted. Now I tried this in high school and never grew to love him so there’s that. It’s a bummer but it seems that the most effective way to secure a straight male romantic partner…

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        • Jesse Says:

          Please keep in mind that while a man may say he’s either attracted right away or not at all, most men have a very wide range for what women they find attractive

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    • 40something Says:

      I’m always perplexed by that terms “aiming lower” and “less attractive” online. I mean ya really never know how attractive or unattractive someone is until you meet them. And since you don’t know them, how do you know if you are aiming too high? I dated a struggling actor/model for years in my 20s. Now, he wasn’t famous but he got some work. Was he better looking than me? He had much better eyelashes. :-) I guess it was a matter of opinion. We met in college so we had some similarities. I want to be clear that I would never be confused with a Victoria Secret model or even a Big Lots model back in the day, but everyone had their own version of what they find attractive. I just think OLD makes people think they are shopping all of these “options” when I’m not sure that’s the case. More like browsing pics I suppose. I dunno. The brief amount of time I was OLD I don’t recall many hot guys. The couple of guys that stood out generally had one pic and I translated that they weren’t real. I mean if they were *that hot* they probably did well IRL was my assumption. Of course, I’m almost 45 now so things might be different in your 20s online.

      LW should perhaps focus on IRL meetings. It sounds like she’s a pretty girl and OLD isn’t for everyone. I’m not positive her size is the issue. I know cute sized 0 girls who go for guys they think are hot and get the same result. Maybe she’s not really clicking with these guys. Yes, I know she had 3 great date but the clicking must be mutual and I think sometimes we think if we feel something, then the other person does too.

      I’m sorry it’s been frustrating. Hang in there.

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  3. 40something Says:

    ****Disclosure**** I only online dated for a few weeks. However, I think this issue is common IRL as well and amongst peeps I know who online date as well?
    I don’t know if I truly buy that the person’s size is an issue. Yes, people have preferences so for someone looking for someone super thin, they may not be a match. I know lots of good looking guys with women who are not particularly thin (some of them are attractive and plus sized) and vice versa (guys may be cute but not fit).However, I suppose if someone *thinks* they can find something online that they don’t normally attract in real life then that’s their choice to give it a shot. Doesn’t mean it works but that’s their decision to keep trying for *that.*

    At this point, I would say try to brush it off and keep looking. I’m not one of those people who usually finds the “hot” guys hot. Yes, I understand that society labels them that but they Usually don’t do much for me and I probably don’t do a whole lot for them. Yes, attraction is important but there’s a lot more to it as far as going the distance than physical attraction. Try not to take all of this too personally when they don’t set a date. I’m sure that’s easier said than done.

    I don’t know. From what I hear from my friends who OLD, there are a lot of people out there who just want to text and never actually meet or who may meet but aren’t really looking for anything. Or who are holding out for a unicorn. All of which has been stated on this blog before.

    Wishing you better luck.

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  4. Nia Says:

    I was doing online dating for a couple years on and off, and I too got fed up and burned out.
    I felt like my looks were out of style for this era. The “hot girl” for the 2000s is very young looking, with round, girlish features and a huge, toothpaste commercial smile. Long, naturally colored hair, very slim body but with curves (a natural state that occurs very rarely in most women after age 22 or so), and a very “Abercrombie” style—fitted jeans, henleys, Converse sneakers. Very “girl next door”.
    The flip side of that would be the dramatic makeup, tattoos, and very “done” hair (fire engine red, mermaid hair, etc). A sort of sexy Wednesday Addams.

    I’m neither. I have an old-fashioned looking face and I’m an old soul. I don’t have that youthful, perky, sassy, firey, spark-y sexiness that many women do. I can come off very…”Duchess of France” if I’m not careful. My style is “art teacher experiments with LSD”.

    I’m also tall and very curvy, a US size 16 or so.

    I honesty found that online wasn’t my jam. My attractive attributes (my intelligence, my curiosity, my quirkiness, etc) weren’t shining through online, or they weren’t being valued. It was a tremendous amount of effort for very, very little ROI.

    I believe that men in general don’t really know what they’re looking for in the younger years and “hot” is the first button they push, hoping for “not too much drama” along the journey.

    Your best bet may be slightly older men who are divorced. They have lived, loved and learned.

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  5. Jack Says:

    She lives in London so she should have avenues to meet people in real life. Some people do better in real life than online, such as myself. Women who are in the average range probably get bombarded online, but as the writer found out, this can be deceiving as many guys aren’t serious about meeting.

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  6. CSI Says:

    This is good advice. There’s no point trying to pose photos to hide your body type. People know all these tricks now and will see through them. Even if they work, it will only result in disappointment on meeting in person.

    And perhaps the LW needs to give guys she’s isn’t strongly attracted to a chance. By the sound of it she’s shooting for guys slightly above her “league”.

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