Why Won’t He Sleep With Her?

Name: Erin
Question: Dear Moxie,
I am curious to find out your thoughts on men who wait for sex. Two months ago I met a 32-year old guy, and we have been out on six dates. After date #3, I invited him back to my place to use the hot tub, and I told him I had champagne. He took me up on the offer, but was upfront about how he felt about an invitation to my place. He felt that normally when a girl invites him back to their place, he assumes it’s about sex; however he prefers to get to know someone before sex. I invited him over again after our last date, and he said he wants to slowly get to know me. I don’t know how I should feel about this guy. Some of my friends think he is a catch because he is not pressuring me into sex. I’m questioning if he is worth my time? Thank you.
Age: 29

Before we get unpack this, I feel the need to point out that this is your fifth letter to me in the past few months.A couple of letters (this one and your most recent one) were submitted a week apart.



Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that you value my opinion, but there’s these tiny part of me that wonders if you’re just bored and sending in questions for the fuck all of it. If that’s the case, please don’t. I try to answer as many messages as I can. When I don’t, I end up feeling a little bit guilty and rearrange things so I can write a post. Please don’t waste my time.

Moving on…

What made me stop and do a search of your IP is that this scenario sounds made-up. Then I read all your other letters and, well, let’s just say it tracks.  Therefore, I’m torn. This letter could be real. Do I think some men prefer to wait awhile before they have sex? Absolutely. Six dates/two months? Oh, honey. No. He’s either gay, has a girlfriend, or dating you out of boredom/loneliness. Orrrrrr…he won’t sleep with you because he’s not that attracted to you, but he’ll happily let you fellate him. Something about this dude is off.  What exactly is off, I’m not sure. Everything about this letter carries a stench of deception. Take that as you will.

Do I think some men prefer to wait awhile before they have sex? Absolutely. Six dates/two months? Oh, honey. No. He’s either gay, has a girlfriend, has some kind of medical issue, or dis ating you out of boredom/loneliness. Orrrrrr…he won’t sleep with you because he’s not that attracted to you, but he’ll happily let you fellate him. Something about this dude is off.  What exactly is off, I’m not sure. Everything about this letter carries a stench of deception. Take that as you will.

I am a vocal proponent of having sex whenever you feel like having it. First date, tenth date, whatever your pace is, go with it. The days of being told you’re a slut if you put out on the first date are kind of over. Dating moves so fast now that sex on the first or second date in now considered normal. I see no reason to hold off if the chemistry is right.

Do I think a man or woman will bail if they’re made to wait too long for sex? Yes. I wrote about a man I went out with a few times who never made a move on me, but did do tiny things here and there- like wipe crumbs from my mouth and insist on paying –  that made me think he was attracted to me.  I gave it three dates.


After the third, I asked him if sex was ever going to be on the table. He said he’d prefer to be friends.


Let me be clear: I didn’t walk away because he wouldn’t put out. I walked away because fuck that noise. You don’t put your fingers near my mouth and insist on paying then play the “I just want to be friends” card. All that said, I enjoyed getting to know him. Had he expressed and attraction, then I would have waited a couple more dates. Anticipation and a deeper connection can make for some great sex. Better than if you sleep together right away? Not necessarily. For some people, it’s there from the beginning.

The guy in this letter (if he exists) is not interested in dating you. Either he’s hiding something (possibly a physical limitation that has him insecure about sex), he’s hedging his bets, or he’s very lukewarm about you. If he’s that unsure after six dates, you can be sure the attraction won’t intensify much. Who wants to date someone who isn’t secretly dying to rip your clothes off?

The most you can do is ask him what’s going on. If he keeps stalling without a really good explanation, then give him a hard pass.




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16 Responses to “Why Won’t He Sleep With Her?”

  1. BobsYourUncle Says:

    Out of all those reasons only one rings likely, medical issue.

    Has a girlfriend but is dating, he would be willing to make the cheating physical.

    Gay, perhaps not sure where she’s located but it is 2017 not sure there still are a lot of gay men in their 20s and 30s (assuming from her age) in this day and age that would feel the need to put on the charade.

    Boredom/loneliness, sex is the perfect cure for that. Can’t see that as a reason to say no to sex.

    If he asked her out then he’s attracted enough to be into sex. Granted that’s my mindset on it. If I were so not attracted to someone that I would not have sex with them I would not be asking them out. Now I may not be thinking I’m in for the long haul, but sex is sex.

    *** Now there is another scenario, which may be the case. And as a guy was what came to mind when you told the “Just be friends” guy story. And it has nothing to do with you, the attraction to you, etc. And it simply is he might have already started dating someone before you. When he started dating you the other woman was still new and uncertain. He developed a connection to the other one, but was still not ready to cut all other dating ties since things can go south fast. But when you asked for him to come back, he felt he emotionally couldn’t because of the other connection and blathered out lets be friends. Just a theory.

  2. CSI Says:

    “Some of my friends think he is a catch because he is not pressuring me into sex.”

    You see this attitude quite a bit. The thinking behind it is: all men have powerful sex drives that are on all the time. So unless he’s obviously gay, the only reason why he’s not pushing for sex is because he’s suppressing his urges out of a gentlemanly concern for you. Truth is, men’s libido varies considerably. Even at 32, he could just have an unusually low sex drive. That is the most likely scenario in my opinion.

  3. 40something Says:

    Having never dated someone who wanted to rip my clothes off (or it’s never felt that way), I agree with much of what’s been said. I doubt he’s gay. (I had people tell me that too and I knew they weren’t). They just weren’t attracted to me. And mine were long relationships :-) He just may not be attracted to you or he’s intersted with someone else. It doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive. I have no idea where that adage of men never turn down sex or will always put the moves on you came from. In my experience, it’s not been true and I’ve heard the same from a few others.

    Many of the guys I know will say “x is really pretty. Nope. Not interested.” And they aren’t. They may even say she’s hot but they won’t try to bang her. Why? They have other options that seem more appealing, easier, less work or whatever they find suited to them. Again, it doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive. You just may not be what this guy is looking for.

    Do not buy what people try to sell you when someone isn’t attracted to you. It may be easier to digest if you convince yourself he’s gay or wants to go slow. But when you realize that’s not the case, it can take a major toll on your self esteem. Trust. Me. Find someone who wants to rip your clothes off and good luck!

  4. UWSGal Says:

    Whatever, is the dude paying for dates? He better be. If so keep dating him and report back on how long he’d be able to keep up this charade. Some pick up artists I think use this trick, sounds like something out of their playbook. Either way it’s bullshit, this guy is a player not a gentlemen me thinks. Use him shamelessly for what he’s got for he had it coming.

    • BobsYourUncle Says:

      Huh? PUA and a player? What PUA/Player is going “How do I put off having sex with women who want to have sex with me?”. I believe PUAs/Players are know for using their “tricks” to get women, who are otherwise reluctant, to sleep with them.

    • Jack Says:

      Not making much sense. Players work to get sex. He doesn’t seem to want sex.

  5. CSI Says:

    UWSGal, if the letter is genuine he could have had sex with her from the third date onwards, yet he declined. If he is a player who’s only after sex he’s playing some kind of very elaborate game. The simplest explanation is that he doesn’t want to have sex with her yet, for whatever reason.

    • UWSGal Says:

      Not really that elaborate. Typically guys “beg” for sex. Now, he’s turn the tables and she’s the one “begging” for it, wondering if something is wrong with her, you see?

      • Selena Says:

        I don’t see someone playing “the long con” for 2 months and counting. Is he getting sex elsewhere while he’s making her wait?

        Maybe he is and his con is keeping her on the side for attention and validation. An “option” for his ego?

        If he isn’t physical with her, he can tell himself he’s not cheating on his girlfriend? She’s just “backup” in case of a dry spell?

      • Jack Says:

        You are imputing a lot of motives to this guy that you really know nothing about.

  6. Selena Says:

    He may have a medical/psychological issue involving sex that resulted in rejection from other women. By delaying sex, he delays having to explain the issue, and delays potential rejection from you. And maybe he hopes you wouldn’t reject him if you had spent a lot of time getting to know him and possibly becoming attached before he told you?

    After two months and 6 dates – guy is still saying he wants to take it slow and get to know me? I think I’d be uneasy about him hiding something.

  7. Yvonne Says:

    She wrote all 3 posts within the last few months? One of them lists her age as 25 and this most current one at 29. Right.

  8. Pina Says:

    A man has to be gay, impotent, or have a mental problem because he prefers wait and get to know his sex partners? Must we stereotype? You’re limiting men to 1 type of person they are allowed to be in order to be “normal”. Whereas women should be allowed to be whoever they want to be…that is hypocritical.

    I am dating someone who knew I wanted to wait to get to know him well before we had sex. A little after 3 months I felt I knew he was a really good person who I want to be my friend, lover, partner. He respected my wishes and he performs beautifully by the way. And I can say this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.

    People have reasons for waiting other than being broken or frigid or having hangups.

  9. Bree Says:

    He’s impotent.

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