How Does She Reverse The Friends With Benefits Curse?

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Name: Tami

Question: So I’m 21 years old and I truly haven’t had a true “serious” long term relationship or anything. In highschool, I had my first “love” and “boyfriend” and although we only were exclusive for a short period of time, we remained in eachothers lives for many months and years afterwards, casually dating/ seeing eachother on and off. We genuinely liked eachother but he was always so scared of commitment. Despite his cold feet with me, A few years later, he had a girlfriend for about a year and about 6 months after they broke up, we ended up back in communication. This time, just as friends. But one thing led to another and we ultimately decided to hook up and sleep together for the very first time, despite our long history. Afterwards, we did not acknowledge the event and instead remained casual friends and didn’t really think anything of it. I considered it “getting it out of my system” and officially moving on from it. Well, a year and a half has passed since this moment and now he messaged me the other night to hangout. But his idea of hangout is to hook up again. While we did Not hook up this time, I still feel as though I give him an impression that all I’m interested in is being friends with benefits. He makes comments like he can’t read me, so do you think it’s possible to reverse the “friends with benefits” curse I’ve put upon us and attempt to turn it into something more genuine? Or do you think a guy who wants something genuine will make it clear and take a girl out properly? Thanks
Age: 21

 

You already have an established rapport with this guy, so why not just ask him where things stand? Say exactly what you just said to me. “So, you keep saying I’m hard to read. I guess that’s becuase I’m not sure what we are to each other. Can we talk about that?”

Boom. Done. If you keep going the way you’re going,  it’s going to be difficult to reverse course because you’re going to get more and more invested, and as a result, more and more confused. I think many women have the fantasy in their head that their fuck buddy/FWB will wake up one day and realize he’s in love with her. That’s not real life. In real life, the guy casually sleeps with us while pursuing other – more compatible – options. Freinds with benefits are meant to be just that – friends. Nothing more.  Trying to morph it into an emotionally committed relationship will only complicate things. Here’s a secret: if someone wanted to date you, they’d be dating you.  If someone enjoys your company and likes hanging out with you and thinks the sex is good, they’d pony up and date you officially. If they’re agreeing to friends with benefits, more than likely they know there’s no long-term romantic potential in the relationship.

Or do you think a guy who wants something genuine will make it clear and take a girl out properly?

I think people in general fear rejection. If they’re not getting any signs that the other person wants to date them, they probably won’t say anything. They’ll just go along to get along so as not to ruin the momentum. I don’t know how many men are going to throw down their sword and risk rejection without having at least some inclination that things will work out in their favor.

As for your supposed lack of “real” relationship experience, don’t let that pressure you into trying to make this situation into something it isn’t. You’re 21 years-old. It’s perfectly normal for you not to have a had great love affair yet.  You’re still at a point where you can reverse the icky thinking that fucks us all up. Do not continue to tell yourself there’s something wrong with you, because there isn’t. It’s now comm0nplace for people of all ages to have a spotty relationship history. It’s a sign of the times. Finding a last connection has become an insurmountable task for many. We’ve forgotten how to connect in any kind of substantive way. Now it’s all likes and follows and snaps.

If you trule have feelings for this guy, then start the conversation. Be bold, young one. You can do it. But if you’re just trying to get a boyfriend because you feel weird or like the odd man out, don’t say anything. There’s nothing worse than jumping into a relationship just to be in a relationship. That’s not fair to you or to him. Really ask yourself what’s motivating you here, then act.

Thoughts?

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4 Responses to “How Does She Reverse The Friends With Benefits Curse?”

  1. Mark Says:

    Tami:

    Boundaries. What is important and acceptable to you and what isn’t?

    You pretty much said this yourself in the letter. You were with this guy in school, but each of you moved on with your lives. You two hooked up again later on and parted again. The last communication was his message to you.

    What are your intentions? What are you looking for?

    If you are ok with being in a FRB situation, then this seems fine. If you are looking for something else, then let it be known and establish those boundaries. Not only establish them, but keep them. Otherwise all you will do is confuse yourself, the guy and everyone else.

    Best of luck.

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  2. Mandy Says:

    You should focus on your feelings and what you want. The sooner you figure this out the less drama you’ll have down the road. Do you want a real relationship with this guy, or are you just wondering if he wants a real relationship with you and if not, why not? Who cares what he’s thinking until after you figure out what you want.

    You say “We genuinely liked eachother but he was always so scared of commitment.” You’re not in his head, you don’t know this. You say “Afterwards, we did not acknowledge the event and instead remained casual friends and didn’t really think anything of it.” but you don’t know what he thought or didn’t think of it because you’re not him. You say “But his idea of hangout is to hook up again.” but how do you know? You acknowledge you hung out and didn’t hook up.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **You say “We genuinely liked eachother but he was always so scared of commitment.” You’re not in his head, you don’t know this.**

      Yeah, the “not in his head” part is really crucial. Even if he literally said, “I’m so scared of commitment,” you have to make sure his actions match his words and it’s not just some line to keep the status quo going. You don’t wanna keep telling yourself that’s what his deal is and then get blindsided when he plasters lovey-dovey pics with his new girlfriend all over Facebook in six months.

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  3. Parenting Says:

    Great response! These are mistakes so many young people stay up at night wondering about and theres really nothing there.

    If he is not too scared to sleep with you but “too scared of commitment”, he’s just not that into you. The odds of turning this one into a relationship are about as high as the odds of you hooking up with all of those platonic guy “friends” who are hanging around hoping you’ll wake up one day and find them hot when you never did before.

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