If They Can’t Commit To A Date, Don’t Bother

October 22nd, 2017

Casual Dating, Moxie 101, NEW!



Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): sarah

Comment: I was asked out for a drink by this guy whom I had previously met at a party. We had kissed at the party and he had indicated he’d like to take me for a drink sometime. He had added me as a Facebook friend at the party but didn’t ask for my phone number. Following the party he messaged we over Facebook and asked what I was doing the following weekend and if I wanted to get a coffee/drink drop him a line.  I said I had plans for weekend but might be out Friday. In the meantime I had some things on and he messaged me Friday asking was I going out that night. I told him I was busy with a friend but I’d like to go for a drink and I’d let him know how I was getting on time wise.  He said he was going training for an hour and to drop him a text when I was done. I texted him when I was leaving my friends house asking if he was still on for that drink. He said yes but he would be an hour and suggested a bar. I replied that was fine but suggested another bar to meet.  I went home and got ready. I got a message from him about half an hour later saying he was on his way into town and would see me in one or other of the bars. I messaged back and said see you in ryans….’be there’ jokingly and he just replied the name of the bar he was in. I messaged and asked him was he there with friends and fifteen minutes later that message had still not delivered to him so I figured he had no Internet signal. This was all through Facebook messenger. I was feeling like there was no concrete plan for meeting.  It was a very rainy evening and I was a bit shocked that he expected me to be going into different pubs looking for him in the rain. I decided against going despite being ready. It was late at that stage about half eleven and I was afraid I would not be able to contact him if he had no Internet signal so I went to bed. Between quarter to one and quarter past two in morning I got a number of messages on Facebook from him saying ‘where was I even’….’was I in the bar he was in’ and then a ‘hello’ when I wasn’t getting back to him. When I woke up and saw the messages, I replied this…. ‘Hi, I read your messages last night and decided to give it a miss. I thought we had arranged to meet for a drink and that’s why I was coming into town……but when I realised there was no concrete plan it just put me off.  Trapsing round in rain looking for you in different pubs wasn’t my idea of being asked out! You have every right to have your own plans but it felt to me as if meeting me wasn’t high on your agenda and it was a case of ‘see you wherever at some stage of the night’. That didn’t interest me. It was nice to have met you before and I hope you had a good night. No reply out of him at all …..was I too harsh …..did I over react??
Age: 31
City: boston
State: mass


I wouldn’t say you were too harsh or that you over-reacted. I think being annoyed in this situation is justified, as the guy clearly expected you to do all the heavy lifting and pursue him.  I don’t think he intentionally tried to mess with you. I just think he’s flakey and immature and casually interested but wasn’t going to go out of his way for you. Where I cringed is reading the manifesto of a text message you sent him explaining why you and he never met up.

First, you never let a relative stranger such as this guy know that they got you that upset. You also don’t let them know how you went out of your way for them or altered plans or did anything out of the norm. That indicates a level of investment that is disproportionate to the length of time you’ve known him. In a situation like this, where the guy is barely reciprocating, you never show your hand that soon. I recently mentioned a similar situation I had with a guy I met online. Plans were tentative, he told me to text when I was done with my class and we confirm a time to meet, I texted him and the plans had changed. Now he was trying to figure out a way to meet me and pick up his daughter from dance class, an obligation he failed to mention before.  He offered to come across town to meet for a quick drink but I said no. That’s not worth my time or his. These kind of fly by the seat of your pants rarely every work out in anyone’s favor other than the person who can’t make a firm committment. If someone can’t make definitive plans for a specific date, time, and location, they’re simply not that interested. At the very least, they’re lives aren’t that organized/stable.

You felt like there was no concrete plan for meeting because there wasn’t one. Neither of you made any effort to set up a solid plan for the night.This, too, led to all the confusion. You tried to steer him into picking a meeting spot, but your attempt went right over his head. That or he knew waht you were doing and didn’t want to be pinned down. Either way, fuck him.

My take on this is that there was casual interest on his part, but that he’s disorganized and maybe even a bit self-centered, and so he didn’t give much thought to what you would have to do to come out and meet him. Next time don’t accept these kinds of plans unlesthey’re with someone you’ve been out with. None of this, “I’ll shoot you a text when I’m done with dinner/friends/whatever.” Nope. 90% of the time, that always leads to people getting caught up in something or having a couple drinks and not wanting to move to another place, etc. If you want to meet up with someone, you say, “How about Day X at nine o’clock?” If they respond by saying they have this or that going on, you choose another night. You don’t try to shoehorn in a time to meet, as it often leads to confusion and changed plans and waiting for texts.

It’s not too much to expect that a person be willing to commit to a specific time and date. That’s not you being demanding. That’s you being a normal human being with a life.



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6 Responses to “If They Can’t Commit To A Date, Don’t Bother”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    **Now he was trying to figure out a way to meet me and pick up his daughter from dance class, an obligation he failed to mention before.**

    Ugh, yes. This kinda thing is common. Like – yes, your kid comes first, but does that give you a pass on *everything,* even clear communication..?

    The guy sounded flaky, but the OP did as well. She made it sound like she was okay with a “maybe” meet-up situation when she wasn’t.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1


  2. Athena Says:

    I feel like you’re recycling old letters at this point. Why?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 4


    • ATWYSingle Says:

      A good chunk of Buffs and brainiacs traffic comes from this site. In order to maintain that I update this site regularly. Some days I don’t have the time/energy/interest to write a whole new post, so i update an old post. I try to add at least one or two new (as in never posted before) posts per week

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 4


  3. Annabelle Says:

    This must be what dating in Hell is like. I’ll share my latest story just because I need to vent. Cute Guy and I pace around each other for a while on POF, repeatedly checking out each other’s profiles. CG and I both hit yes on the want to meet feature. After a day or so passes, I say hello and we converse online, then move to texting, where we have a fun chat. Final two messages: CG “We need to meet.” Me “Yes we do.” Three days later, nothing but crickets. AAGH. This shouldn’t be that difficult!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0


  4. ATWYSingle Says:

    The fact that he made you reach out to him proves he’s a douche. I’ve matched with different guys across multiple platforms and every time I’ve waited for them to reach out and never heard from them. In the instances where I reached out they were wishy washy. Lesson learned: don’t bother with people that creep your profile over and over but won’t message you first.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2


  5. Eliza Says:

    First of all, what’s so difficult about exchanging cell numbers and just texting…rather than go through some lame social media site. I fully get it…gone are the days where people will actually carve out like 3-5 min. out of their super busy lives to even makes plans, or confirm which lousy watering hole you are meeting up in. But, it shouldn’t be this painful either. When you are dealing with someone sincerely interested in getting to know you, no need for all the back flips and angst. It should be easy breezy. It’s just a lousy drink or coffee.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0


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