Why Won’t She Date Men Her Own Age?

November 5th, 2017

Dating & Age, Dating & Childen, NEW!, Re-Post

bioclock2

Name: Maria
Question:  You have mentioned that no one looks 10 years younger and are deluded if they think so. I too, am skeptical of women who claim to “get hit on by younger men”. I am mixed race/part Asian and did win the genetic lottery: very young looking for 40 and I use to be a model. I am in perfect shape an overall close to a solid 8/9.  And also, to be honest I’ve had some plastic surgery that has added to preserving my youthful looks. I know I can pass for 30 because people who sell me insurance or have no vested interest in trying to sleep with me assume that to be closer to my age.

A few years ago,I was in a relationship in which we planned to have children. The timing was bad, so we decided to freeze my eggs and also some embryos. Unfortunately we broke up last year. I started online dating a few months ago and initially used my real age. So-so results. I changed my age to 32 and it worked like a charm. My target age range is 35-43. I am getting dates with the younger men and they are continuing to pursue me. A few times I reveal my age with mixed results. Some bail. Some stayed.

Here’s my question: I have money and can afford all the ivf treatments to have my own biological children using my frozen eggs. I fall into a very small segment of the population that can realistically pass for a decade younger. ( this is possible if you are Asian).
Is it such a crime to lie about my age by 8 years online?

I am sitting on the cutting edge of science. To me, this is the only thing that levels the playing field for aging women.  I’m not trying to land the hottest, most successful hunk. Just a regular good looking guy with a solid job who is still on the younger side.

Thanks for your advice.

Age: 40

 

I’ve answered this one before, but I’m re-answering it because (some of)  my attitudes and opinions have evolved a bit.

I don’t understand why a man of 45 or older wouldn’t be a good candidate. Why are you so focused on finding someone younger? The only explanation I can come up with is that you have your own set of biases and issues revolving around ageing. The other thing I don’t understand is why – if you have the means to go the IVF route – you don’t just get an anonymous donor from a sperm bank?

You used to be a model, which explains your fixation on youth. That’s an industry with an expiration date, so I imagine it’s jarring to age out of relevancy after years of being in demand. You can’t just wake up one day and have all the myths and lies you’ve been fed about aging erased from your memory.Maybe it’s time to re-wire the system a bit and address any of the internalized issues you have about getting older?

You very well might look ten years younger than your chronological age. I do, too, I suppose. I say that to point out that is not the phenomenon you think it is. Our impressions of what thirty, forty, fifty, sixty look like are changing. We know more now. We know not to sit in the sun or smoke. We have supplements and creams to replace lost collagen and combat the signs of aging. When people tell me I don’t look my age, I say that I do, adding that this is what fifty looks like now. I am not an anomaly and neither are you. It’s frustrates me to see women cling to their youth so tightly. Every time this subject comes up in the ladyblogosphere it’s a race to see who gets told how youthful they look the most.

I don’t doubt that people frequently tell you how young you look, but not for the reason you think. I can tell when a woman is fishing for compliments or insecure about her age. Most socially adept people know that when guessing someone’s age, you always round down. They also know when someone wants to be told they look younger and can recognize an opportunity to use that to their benefit. Really, an insurance sales man buttered you up with a compliment? Stop the presses.

Now that we’ve unpacked that stuff, let’s address your question about shaving eight years off your age on your dating profile. At this point in the game, when I see people complaining about someone lying about their age or height in their profile I press mute in my head. It’s just…who cares? It’s not like people nowadays don’t know why someone might do that. Derp, they want to get in front of more people and come up in more searches. That’s hardly a criminal offense, though some people’s outrage about this matter makes you wonder. That said, there are two reason why shaving eight years off your age is bad form.

First, eight years is a lot. Two, three, maybe even five? Eh, who cares? What’s the difference between forty-five and fifty? Not much, in my opinion. However, there’s a big difference between a thirty-two year old woman and a forty-year old woman. The former falls well inside the optimum age to conceive. The latter, well, doesn’t. In this case, lying would be a waste of people’s time and that’s not fair. It’s not wrong for a man to want children. No man or woman should be asked to forego that desire. Getting involved with a forty-something woman when you know you want to have kids is a big risk for a guy. Conceiving the natural way could take years and IVF is hit or miss.  He could end up childless as could you. That’s why subtracting eight years off your age is a big no-no. In my opinion, that’s flat-out deception. Sure, some men will stick around when they find out the truth, but few will be in it for the long-haul and even fewer will seriously consider having kids with you.

In general,  I see nothing wrong with adding an inch or two or taking off a few years. Just make sure you can pull it off. If they find you attractive, they won’t care.  The ones who do care were going to find something to use an excuse not to date you, so good riddance.

Thoughts?

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43 Responses to “Why Won’t She Date Men Her Own Age?”

  1. Speed Says:

    To me, the major issue is that OP seems to be leading with how “young-looking and attractive” she is, along with the fact that she is a former model and half-Asian (which, yes, a lot of guys seem really into nowadays). I do think that she can use these superficial qualities to attract the man she wants.

    It’s sort of like the guy rolling up in a Lamborghini, draped in Gucci, Rolexes, etc. He won’t be single for too long.

    But, it’s an obvious rookie observation that if you lead with superficial qualities (youth, looks, cash, height, etc.), then you’ll attract people who want you for those reasons.

    And since they’re only with you for these superficial reasons, after the novelty wears off and/or they find something better, they’re gone.

    The OP also claims that she doesn’t want a “hunk” but she wants someone good-looking, youthful/fit, and reasonably successful at his job. Nature and Fortune don’t
    deal out those “full packages” often. Frankly, I would say only about 2% of guys are like that.

    There’s too much problematic here to even mention, in my opinion. I can only wish her good luck, and to recommend reading a lot of other stories on this blog.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 25 Thumb down 2

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    • Eliza Says:

      Yes, similar to men leading with their possessions and careers…and then insulted that women only want to date them for their fortune! Then stop advertising that quality or stop emphasizing how much you have acquired in that department. Women want to be valued for far more than what one see on the surface…yet goes on and on about how young, they “believe they look”. As for the plastic surgery–I know plenty of people who have done so many procedures. it’s not youthful to look plastic, or look as if you have done botox and rec’d countless derma fillers. Self-acceptance goes a long way–well, for me at least.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        If you look at someone and know Immediately that they had work done, that means the doctor did a sh*tty job,…so maybe ease up on the holier-than-thou judgment?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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  2. AnnieNonymous Says:

    Women who haven’t given birth and raised children will always look younger than women who have undergone the hormonal changes, weight gain/loss, and years of sleep deprivation that comes from having and dealing with kids. I look younger than my mother did at my age. So what? She’d had three kids by this time so it’s not a relevant comparison. Of course I’m thinner than a woman with my basic DNA who nonetheless had three 10 lb babies. Of course my skin is better than a woman who hadn’t slept well for years or afforded herself the luxury of a Skincare Routine. I’d worry if I didn’t look younger than a 32-year-old with three babies. Sooooo…the OP is comparing herself to other 40-year-old women who are often 10-20 years into the parenting game. I suppose that’s an easy way to cultivate some confidence, but it’s not entirely honest.

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  3. jaclyn Says:

    There’s a lot of science behind frozen embryos, but not as much behind using frozen eggs. And if you use your frozen embryos they won’t be your partner’s. I’d be less concerned about your plan if you didn’t want to have kids, and were dating men who didn’t want to have kids or already have completed their families. My guess is that men who are serious about getting married will bail when they realize you are 40, and those who are looking for a short term relationship will stay. It is possible for you to list your age at 32 so you come up in searches and then tell the men before you meet your age, but that’s up to you. There’s a small chance a guy might decide you’re worth it after he’s met you even though he otherwise would simply move on in online dating, but by using this strategy you need to expect to be rejected a lot/have a lot of men stay who are only looking for something short term.

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  4. Shadowcat Says:

    @Speed: This is online dating, I’m not sure what qualities attract men she can use that aren’t superficial. If you meet someone at work for example, and develop a friendship that leads to a mutual attraction, that’s one thing. Online, you are a thumbnail in a sea of other thumbnails, and frankly Meeting IRL isn’t all that easy at this age anyway. It doesn’t matter how much “depth” you have, if your bait (meaning the shallow things like appearance, youth, etc) is lacking, no one will be interested enough to see what’s under the surface. Especially men who are much more visual, even though both genders are prone to this. If someone is “hot” (or rich, etc) they become a lot more intelligent, interesting, desirable in the eyes of their beholders. Human beings are really superficial in the end.

    That said, the OP sounds a little stuck up about her appearance, and it’s hard not to respond negatively to that. Also there are a lot of men out there with “yellow fever” (that’s what my East Asian friends call it, it’s not MY term!) who particularly appreciate their beauty but also hold outdated stereotypes about what these woman are like. I also look pretty young for. My age (the “Black don’t crack” thing) but it’s mostly only White people and particularly Europeans that seem to think so. Also like Moxie said, the bar has been raised, we are expected to look younger than people did in our parents generation.

    To the OP: want the real eye opener? Ask someone significantly younger than you how old they think you are. It will be humbling. And btw, 8 years is too much of a lie, it will make you look pathetic to the potential partner.

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    • Eliza Says:

      I agree with Shadowcat…the OP sound super stuck-up…not a good trait…and also very conceited and insecure. When all a men or woman keeps focusing on is their appearance…it comes off as if they have nothing else of value to bring to a relationship. I have met a few good looking men, younger and older, but as soon as I realized they were unable to hold an intelligent conversation my interest dwindled to nothing! Be proud of your actual age. And no 50 is not the new 40 and 40 is not the new 30 and 30 is not the new 20.
      What’s 20? The new 10?! How absurd.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  5. Mandy Says:

    Age isn’t just about how you look…think about why someone is concerned with age. First, it’s the issue of children. Science and medicine has come a long way, but there’s still a big difference between a 32 year-old mother and a 40-year old pregnant mother, and all that entails.

    Second, it’s the issue of life experiences (lived to date) and still to come. 8 years is a lot to lie about–it essentially means you’re saying you grew up in a different decade than you did.

    I agree that a couple years is one thing, but 8 years is a lot to lie about. A guy interested in a 32-year-old and wants to have kids, but maybe not immediately, and grow old together is not trying to date a 40-year-old.

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  6. BTownGirl Says:

    Have to agree that lying about your age by that much is going to come off as insecure and disingenuous. What I’m really wondering is if you’re making good use of your real-life networks to meet someone. You’re an attractive, successful woman, so you must know other women like you who are dating/married to the type of man you want. If you do, tell your friends your open to being set up, because their partners may very well know someone who’s a great match!
    If you’re in a city, there are always charity events that involve fashion in one way or another. Volunteer, get on the board or, even better, volunteer to walk in a charity fashion show – you’ll get all the eyes in the room on you with zilch effort. Show up and show out, girl!

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  7. Todd Says:

    If your profile states “No one under 6 feet tall” and a 5″ 4″ man showed up for your date… would you feel misled?
    After all…5″ 4″ is the new 6 feet! But if “identifies as 6′” should that make you feel any better? More attracted?

    Online dating profiles seem to have become a cross between a game of “Liar-Liar” and “Lawyer-Lawyer”.

    Remember the TV Show “Eight is Enough”…
    well in years… 8 years is Too Much.

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  8. ? Says:

    Speaking as an Asian woman, this thing about Asian women looking young for their age is utter BS. Maria, you obviously haven’t had a lot of exposure to real Asian people. Asian (and dark skin generally) skin may be less prone to wrinkles, but we are prone to other skin ailments like keloids and sebaecous hyperplasia..etc

    Anyhoooo…..Maria, the men you are after – younger, fit, handsome, financially stable and secure are in very very very high demand. They have lots and lots of options and will exercise them. No matter how attractive and youthful looking you think you are, there are many many women out there just as attractive……….but younger, much younger than you. Why would a man in high demand risk the whole IVF process with you (which may or may not be successful) when he can easily find a woman just as desirable as you, but without the “issue” you have ?

    Your best bet is to find an older man, with all the qualities you seek, but who already have children and are open to having more. Good luck.

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    • Shadowcat Says:

      Usually in the US, if someone says “Asian” they are referring to someone who is East Asian, (Chinese, Japanese, Korean, etc) not South Asian. Here if someone is South Asian, they are referred to by the country their family is from, (India, Sri Lanka, etc) at least on the East Coast.

      Or you could know that and I’m talking out of turn, in which case, never mind!

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  9. Selena Says:

    From the letter:

    ” I’m not trying to land the hottest, most successful hunk. Just a regular good looking guy with a solid job who is still on the younger side.”

    What does “still on the younger side” mean to you?

    The potential problem I see with being 40 and trying to pass as 32, is that you will attract men who want children “someday”. Their “someday” may be too late for you -even with frozen eggs and embryos. How disappointed would you be if you reached 50 (but looked 40) without children?

    If having children has become important to you, perhaps some further thought regarding the qualities of a good partner for yourself and a good parent for potential children may be beneficial.

    I would also consider what BTownGirl suggested about using your real-life networks to meet someone.

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    • CSI Says:

      Her best bet probably would be a man, say around 50, who is looking to start a family, and like her has left it a bit late. They would be on the same page as her and have more in common.

      ” I’m not trying to land the hottest, most successful hunk. Just a regular good looking guy with a solid job who is still on the younger side.”

      If her standard are as high as she implies, she probably is looking for an early 30s “hunk” rather than an “average joe”. Such a guy could of course easily get a girl in her early-mid 20s. Its possible that such a good looking successful 30-35 year old man could fall in love with her, but its a big gamble and time is not on her side.

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  10. Parenting Says:

    The cutting edge of technology is not as cutting edge as Maria thinks. A 42 year old friend of mine went through all her frozen egg that she had frozen 5 years earlier and ended up having to get an egg donor and this is by no means an anomalous experience. Sorry, nope. 40 is not the new 30. You have not solved the reproductive problem. Even assuming all goes well with said frozen eggs, if i were a guy whobwas werious about a family, i wouldnt risk it. Maria’s best bet is to go after a guy whobis ambivalent. Or ya know, lie about being 32, lie about having frozen egss because you had cancer, and hope you never get caught.

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  11. 40something Says:

    OP can list herself as any age she wants-26, 36, 46, etc. it doesn’t change the fact she is 40. I’m sure she’s attractive but honestly, when it comes to bearing children, your eggs don’t give a fig that you look hot in a swimsuit. I understand she has frozen eggs and embryos, but that is not a guarantee. And I really don’t want to sound harsh, but the reality is that most peeps don’t want to be 50 picking their kids up from pre-k. I am not saying 50 is old because it’s not and there are areas of the country where being an “older” parents is more common. However, one will realize that you may be the oldest parent in the class. This is not a bad thing, but it is something one realizes -no matter how hot you are. And granted, people can’t help when they meet someone so sometimes that’s your deck of cards. This is not a knock-rather reality. And I’m certainly not implying someone should give up what they want. Quite the contrary.

    I point all of this out because OP may want to think about what she really wants. Does she really want a child? It sounds like she does so as others have pointed out, most goodlooking, successsful men in their 30s don’t have to rush-unless they choose to do so. So that pool in the mid 30s may not be her target. Unfortunately, sometimes the men in the early 40s want someone 10 years younger so that they aren’t “rushed” either. I’m not sure what age bracket OP should target, but I think saying you are 32 to a man wanting kids is deceptive.

    I say be honest and think about what is most important to you. Good luck!

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  12. Ed Says:

    Women always complain about men dating younger women, but how many end up lying about their ages on dating sites? This merely validates and reinforces the reason men date younger women. I never lie in my profile. Ever. It’s such a turnoff when I find out a woman lied in hers, especially if it ends up wasting my time. If you’re starting off with a deception, even if you come clean in the body of your profile, I have to wonder what would be in store for me down the line if I were to get involved with you. It also shows you’re insecure about your age, which is never attractive. And then—I love this—what happens if a man lies in his profile? It’s a federal offense. Such a double standard. Let’s face it. We are what we are. Men are attracted to young women who are fertile whether we want children or not, and women are attracted to men who exhibit signs of wealth and status. Reality hurts, and humanity sucks, so everyone just needs to suck it up and deal with it.

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    • Parenting Says:

      I wonder if all of those 35-43 year old men Maria was dating were actually 35-43.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Sorry Ed…women ALSO find men who are youthful appealing. I recently met some guy from OKC, that claimed to be 47 yrs old…when in fact he was 59!
      No…he did not appear to be 59, as he was somewhat fit…but he didn’t look like he was 47…and after he decided to confess to his deception…he looked rather ugly and I lost interest completely. That’s a man that is not accepting about his age, therefore – INSECURE. That sexy at all. I can only imagine what else he is lying about or would lie about.

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      • Jack Says:

        I’m in my late 30’s and can still attract women in their 20’s when out at bars, etc. I’m thinking of starting to shave 6-8 years off my age. But I know it will have no long-term potential.

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  13. Rob Says:

    Age isn’t about looks, it’s about age. A man looking to have children at 32 – 35 has less vested in it than a woman who is 40. If he fails or if the marriage doesn’t work out seven years in, he’s 45 and he can still remarry to someone who is 35 fairly easily. A 40 year old woman? Not so much. She should represent her age accurately so she’s on a level playing field and so men know going in how serious she is.

    Otherwise her time gets wasted. And she wastes others’ time.

    What do I do as soon as I find out someone has a significant lie on their dating profile? I try to have fun and move on at the drop of a hat.

    Maria should look for people her own age who also look young if she’s merely concerned with “how people look.”

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  14. Nia Says:

    Yeah, it doesn’t matter how old you LOOK when it comes to your body/fertility. It’s how old you *actually are*. If you want some real stories about women in their 40s trying to conceive (generally with every financial advantage under the sun) hop over to “The Cut” and search “How I got this baby”. There’s a lot of stories about unusual fertility issues that popped up around 40–thinning uterine lining, IVF failures, miscarriages, etc.

    Frozen embryos and/or eggs are no guarantee you’ll be able to conceive and carry to term.

    I also understand why you may have waited until 40 to begin your journey of motherhood, but…on the other hand, I feel like if you really, really wanted to be a mom, it would have happened by now. You would have configured your life in such a way (finding a guy, or choosing to be a single mom) that having a child was your top priority.

    I realize this is cold comfort now, but maybe examine your heart and real desires closely. Do you *really* want a child or does it just feel like the next natural step in your life?

    I would just be honest. I had a friend meet a guy at 38, marry about a year later, while pregnant, and give birth at 40. She made zero bones about wanting a baby STAT. It took a long time to find the guy, but she did and she has an adorable baby and is over the moon.

    Just be real. “I’m 40, and I’m looking to start my family asap. If you want to join me on that journey, let’s take a chance.”

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 9

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      The whole “if you wanted to be a mom, you would have been by now” is pretty unfair. Single parenthood, from what I understand, can be a tough, sometimes lonely road and not everyone can do it or wants to do it. That’s okay and it’s incredibly judgmental and unkind to say, “Well, you didn’t do x/y/z so tough sh*t for you and, by the way, it’s your own fault.” As for “finding a guy” to procreate with, she obviously hasn’t met the right guy for her. That’s also okay and doesn’t automatically mean that her choices are wrong and she doesn’t have the right to want a child.

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      • Parenting Says:

        So agree with you BTownGirl. Its just as unfair as saying to someone “You had 20 years to meet Mr.Right. If you didnt, just admit that you dont really want to get married.” The OP was engaged and it didnt work out. She may have spent 5-10 years of her prime with that guy and suddenly found herself single in her mid-late 30s. How is that her fault?

        When I was in my mid 30s, i looked at EVERY non-traditional option for having children and they were all bad. Nia’s friend was very lucky. Not a lot of men want to deal with the “I gotta have a baby NOW” 38 year old. The fact that we all know someone who did this doesnt mean its available to everyone.

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          Excellent analogy! It just breaks my heart that there are so many people who are struggling with starting a family and get a whole boatload of judgment. One of my friends wasn’t initially successful with IVF and got some rude comments along the lines of “Well, you could just adopt and the fact that you won’t means that this is a problem of your own making…because you’re selfish.” Heck, I could make an entire PowerPoint presentation of nasty comments I’ve gotten about being a stepmother who isn’t interested in having my own kids. I’m sorry you had to deal with making some tough choices – I hope everything worked out and you’re happy!

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          • Parenting Says:

            Yep, I got that too. The “why dont you just adopt instead of pursuing IVF” from a friend who had a half dozen kids none of whom she adopted. People are strangely judgemental about what other peoples family “should” look like.

            And thanks, i experienced virtually the same sequence of events with virtually the same timeline as Nia’s friend. Never in a million years did I think I was going to get so lucky at the 11th hour.

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            • BTownGirl Says:

              Right?! In a lot of cases, I think it comes from the rude person’s feelings about their own choices, which makes it all the more ridiculous. In any event, I’m so happy to hear that you got the family you wanted and someone is very lucky to have you for a Mom! :)

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        • Sheba Says:

          I do generally agree with you both, but in this case I wonder what the ‘wrong timing’ was that this couple opted for the intrusive, costly and unreliable route of egg/embryo freezing rather than just cracking on with it, given that it was supposedly in their plans.

          Since they broke up it was probably right not to have a child anyway, but it doesn’t sound as though it was a priority. And it still doesn’t.

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          • Parenting Says:

            I have friends who waited 10-15 years into their marriage before having children because they felt like they werent in a place where they could give a child the resources they deserved. Most were never in a comfortable enough place professionally or financially where they could drop everything and have a kid until they reached the “now or never” age. Theres so little financial and professional support for middle class parents that it literally always feels like its the wrong time to have kids. So, the OP’s story is unsurprising because I literally have probably a dozen female friends who were running to have their first child at 37-42 years of age. Having kids was always something they wanted and expected to do, it just wasnt the only priority or even the top priority until one day it was.

            The reason folks go the frozen egg/embryo route is because (from my experience) doctors dont tell you how poor the success rates are. They just sell you on the scifi fantasy of cheating the biological clock if you just throw enough money at it. So why thwart your career aspirations in your 30s just when that partnership is within reach or walk down the isle pregnant. Just freeze your eggs and have babies at 40, 50, 60, whenever! If you dont do your own research, you end up living in the OP’s lalaland.

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            • ? Says:

              “….They just sell you on the scifi fantasy of cheating the biological clock if you just throw enough money at it. So why.”

              The people who do the selling are not fertility specialists but business operators who happen to have generalist medical degrees. Much like day spa clinics that offer plastic surgery. And we are sucked in because we want to believe….

              Egg freezing and IVF were intended as options for people who had no other choice and for whom this was the absolute last last resort. Now we feel we can do whatever we want and have medical science scoop us up and save us from our irresponsibility, mistakes and bad choices. I am particularly aggreived by peoople who trash their own health, then expect to have lung transplants or gastic bypass. And no, I don’t buy the argument that we have absolutely no control over our own bodies …even with genetic conditions, we can always live in a way to mitigate the risks.

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            • Sheba Says:

              Maybe it’s a cultural thing. Egg and embryo freezing is not at all common over here except among people who are trying and not succeeding to conceive naturally. IVF is known to be very expensive and unreliable. There’s a reason IVF cycles on the NHS are very limited.

              It’s a possibility for people suffering infertility or same sex couples but it is most definitely not considered a lifestyle choice, a way of getting pregnant at any age or a very reliable option.

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              • Parenting Says:

                Welcome to the USA where pharmaceuticals and some surgerical procedures are heavily marketed consumer goods (as ? described above).

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      • Eliza Says:

        Thank you BTowngirl. I am in the same boat…and am constantly asked…”Oh, you didn’t want/or love children”??? So judgmental – people can be. Little do they know. I love kids, and would have loved my own. But I KNOW for a fact that had I tried with the 2 prior relationships…I would have ended up a single mother…and without any financial help from either of those 2! I also know single moms – but they have the support/help from their parents. Not all of us are afforded that support and aid. Sometimes, the timing is just not there, and we do not meet the right person to have a family with. If I was self-centered, I would have gone to some sperm bank, and had a child without considering the circumstances ahead of me, and not given a second thought to how that would affect an innocent being.

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      • Nia Says:

        I guess that is a little harsh. I just feel like reading this woman’s letter made me really turned off and frustrated. The focus on how young she looked and how legit it was due to her ethnic heritage, her money, her modeling career—it had a ring of “I’ve always had everything I want without compromising, why is having kids any different.”

        Sure, many people can go years and years without meeting the right person to have kids with. But…the thing is, if having a child is the number one prio in your life, you’ll find someone to make it work with. That person may not have “fire” chemistry with you. They may be shorter, make less money, not be as handsome or “hot” as you would want in your dreams.

        But they’re a good person, a good parent, and a good partner.

        How is it going to be easier for a woman at age 40+ to find that person than it was in her early 20’s or 30’s, when there was a lot of time to still have kids and she had a much wider appeal to men in general?

        I was “pre-engaged” (talking seriously about getting married) a couple times in my mid-20s. We talked very seriously about having kids, and had I played my cards differently, I could be married with a couple kids in grade school now. I chose not to, because it wasn’t the right path for me.

        But my sister, who wanted kids, got married at age 31 and started trying right away. She also took the time to vet her partners very early and her motto was “I don’t even go on a first date with someone that doesn’t have marriage potential”. She now has a son that’s the love of her life and is very happy.

        My brother also took that route: only date very seriously; he’s a stepdad to one daughter and has a son by his wife.

        The thing is, as women, we really can’t “have it all”. We generally can’t have the fun filled 20’s and 30’s as single career women and then turn around and start families in our very late 30’s or early 40s without a *tremendous* amount of effort and compromise.

        If you’re not a celeb, having a baby at 44 is not going to be easy.

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  15. Sheba Says:

    It’s obviously very important to you to be considered youthful and beautiful. So I can’t understand why you won’t consider a man who’s of an age where he’s more likely to think of you that way. It’s all relative, really.

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    • ? Says:

      Sheba, Maria considers herself youthful and attractive and wants someone who “matches” her in terms of looks.Someone she could find youthful and attractive as much as he judges her to be.

      If an older woman is attractive and youthful in looks and spirit, she can, if she wants, find a younger man for dating and dalliance. There are no shortage of men who will not be up for that. However, it is a fool’s erand to then expect he would settle down with her for the long term.

      Even if he does not want children, she will age before he does and he will move on to someone he feels “matches him in terms of looks”.

      Women have to learn and accept that things cut both ways – if she judges and selects men on looks, then she can hardly complain when men judge her on her eventual fading looks.

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      • Sheba Says:

        Being in a relationship with a man five years younger would make me feel old, personally.

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      • Selena Says:

        “Even if he does not want children, she will age before he does and he will move on to someone he feels “matches him in terms of looks”.

        Eh.. men often look older than women their age. Hair loss; disinclination to use sun screen, exercise, dress attractively for their body type – they are everywhere – from their 20’s on up.

        “Women have to learn and accept that things cut both ways – if she judges and selects men on looks, then she can hardly complain when men judge her on her eventual fading looks.”

        Women have to learn this? What universe are you from?

        It’s some men who might be wise to understand judging a woman on her looks is something that goes both ways. ;)

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  16. Treifalicious Says:

    I have seen men shave 10 and even 20 years of of their ages. All’s fair in love and war, really for women and moreso for women over 40…

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  17. Tired of Games Says:

    I recently gave my friend an analogy to online dating…buying/selling a used car. Bear with me. No, we’re not objects ‘for sale’. However the process of identifying and selecting a mate is nearly identical to purchasing a used car.

    Picture an individual seller, trying to sell his/her car. They post old pictures. Avoid showing dents/rust/scratches. List the mileage from 150K to 120K, and take a 3-4 years off model. The buyer is excited, because the description meets/exceeds their wants.

    The seller will get a lot more buyers interested. The savvy buyers will ask a lot of up front questions, and bail if/when the true details come to light. Less experienced buyers will ask fewer questions, come out to see the car, then bail as soon as they realize they aren’t getting what was advertised (“If the seller lied about the objective facts, what else is he/she lying about?”).

    HOWEVER (this is most important), the buyers that remain will know they can negotiate down…aggressively. The buyer is in a position of power because both parties now know the car is ‘valued’ less than what was advertised, and the seller will need to make concessions to seal the deal. At that point an opportunistic buyer will exploit that leverage.

    Online daters have to think about their ultimate goal. If the goal is to get more matches, lying on a profile will do it, but will also waste a lot of peoples’ time in the process…and lead to more disappointment. If the goal is to find a relationship, daters will be much more successful if they provide a highly accurate, clear, and truthful description…that includes pics. Yes, they’ll get less matches, but those that are interested will be much more likely to work out.

    I’ll leave with one final thought. What ever happened to the concept of ‘undersell and over deliver’? Today’s online dating is focuses too much on ‘overselling and under delivering’. That means, in most cases, when the truth is revealed (age, height, weight, etc.), the your match will be disappointed and feel deceived. You have one chance to make a good first impression…why ruin it?

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  18. Ed Says:

    Actually, online dating is more like eBay—everyone posts something that someone else didn’t want.

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  19. PwdrPuff Says:

    Looking younger than your real age is not a phenomenon that only this poster shares. Most people look younger now a days since we know more about health and taking care of ourselves. Lying about your age only serves one purpose and that is getting your foot in the door, but is also ultimately a time waster for everyone involved.

    Case in point, I’m 40 and recently took a trip overseas. My younger tour guide flirted with me the whole time and even carried on after my departure through FB. I hinted that I was much older throughout, and even wrote my real age down on the survey I gave him at the end, but I guess ignorance is bliss. After I stated I wasn’t 28 as he thought all along, he completely stopped messaging me. Not that I thought there was any potential in having a relationship with this person, I just liked the banter. My point is, age matters and if you say it doesn’t, you are just lying to yourself.

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