Should She Keep Hooking-Up With The Guy In Her Office?

sex_at_work_romance_office

Name: Leyna
Question: I am a straight woman who is fuck buddies with my hot, younger male coworker (30). The sexual tension between us was out of control until we stayed late one night last week and screwed on the desk. Since that night, we’ve hooked up a few more times.

Problem is – and there always is one – that he has a live- in girlfriend. He told me they are in an open relationship so being with me isn’t cheating. As per their arrangement, he won’t tell her about me but if she finds out he won’t lie.

How do I know if he’s telling me the truth or if he is saying these things just so I’ll sleep with him? She comes to work events with him and I feel guilty because she is a sweet woman who obviously adores him.

Also, being coworkers adds another layer of issues as we could get caught. We are peers but I’ve been at the company longer. We are both well-liked and respected.

Sex between us is amazing and because we don’t have much else in common (He shows up at work a lot with a hangover and I’m usually in bed by 10) so I would never consider him romantically. I’d love to keep seeing him for sex but I’d feel bad if I helped him hurt someone else.
Age: 50

Ugh. Okay. So much to unpack.
First, let’s address the open relationship thing. I absolutely believe that there are couples that engage in ethical non-monogamy and that it can work. I also believe there are a lot of couples out there in “open” relationships that are really just situations where one partner doesn’t want to be exclusive and so the other partner agrees to look the other way. I don’t know which one this is, but if he cared at all about her, he wouldn’t be desk-banging a co-worker and then bringing his girlfriend around said co-worker. That’s sick.

The only way you’ll know if he’s telling the truth is if you go to the girlfriend. That’s it. He will never tell you the truth because he will always cover his ass first, fuck you and fuck his girlfriend. This is not a man or woman thing, this is a human nature thing. We will always look out for ourselves. Personally, I wouldn’t bother getting her approval and risk the possibility of upending her life, your life, and possibly your career by saying anything. I would leave well enough alone, thank God you haven’t gotten caught, and pray he keeps his mouth shut.

“I’m not going to lie if she asks” = “I don’t really care if I hurt her.” Just FYI.

Now let’s talk about the professional ramifications of this. Girl, get it together. This is your career we’re talking about. No guy is worth risking your job and your credibility at your office. This gets out and you’re going to be that desperate older woman and he’s going to get high-fives from his bros in accounting. Forget about the cultural moment we’re having. It will be a long, long time before women aren’t the ones judged more harshly in these situations. In general, these workplace escapades need to go entirely. At this point, sexual innuendo and flirting has no place in the office. That stuff has been going on for too long and everybody has considered it acceptable because their cousin’s roommate’s sister met her husband that way. If you meet someone and there’s a genuine connection, then you both need to discuss who is going to find a new job and then do it. As women, we have got to lead by example, and that means not engaging in sexual anything with co-workers. It means being consistent and deeming all overtures from work peers as inappropriate and not just overtures from people you don’t find attractive.

You’re 50 years old. You think you’re going to have an easy time of it should things get dicey at your office and you have to leave? Think again. And let me tell you something: if you think there aren’t men out there dying to pin some sexual misconduct accusations on women, think again. Sure, this may have been consensual, but you have no idea what this turd will say should this ever come to light. If he even remotely feels threatened, he could turn this around on you.

Now let’s address why you did this. Lady, I get it. It’s hard to be alone. Going without affection and touch and feeling desired is unbearable at times. Sometimes I feel like my chest is caving in when I think about the upcoming holidays that – more than likely – I will spend alone once again. I’m not going to tell you how to process those feelings because I’ve been there and I’ve made similar decisions. Sometimes you just want – even need – some glimmer of something to hold on to and get you through. The price we pay for loneliness is not nearly as profound or costly as the price we pay for surrendering to the loneliness. In the moment, it feels good to be wanted. But then they will leave and you’ll be sitting there wondering, “What about me?” That loneliness will now be compounded by shame.

I know how the feelings of isolation and rejection can get to you, but you have to believe. I say this through tears and gritted teeth. You have to believe. You have to keep going even when you think all is lost and you should just give up. Feelings aren’t fact. You must pick yourself up and keep going, even when you don’t want to. As the saying goes, the only way out is through. This time of year sucks fro some of us. Hell, I’m sure it sucks for some people in relationships, too. But it’s temporary. Remember that. At any moment things can change. That’s the beauty of all of this. In an instant the trajectory of your life can change.

Fuck this guy. Do not continue to let him have his cake and eat it, too. If he respected his open-relationship girlfriend he wouldn’t have sex with someone he knows she might have to interact with at work functions. Here’s something that might drive this point home further: G***** fed me the same line about he and his live-in girlfriend being non-monogamous. (I know the LW.) You know my history with him and what an abusive person he turned out to be.

Run.

Thoughts?

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8 Responses to “Should She Keep Hooking-Up With The Guy In Her Office?”

  1. Jaclyn Says:

    Moxie is 100 percent correct here. There’s nothing wrong with you sleeping with a younger guy in a NSA relationship but if you do it at work and it gets out, you will look ridiculous and desperate (I know you aren’t but that’s how people will view you). If this guy shows up hungover from work at 30 and is in an “open” relationship in which he doesn’t tell his girlfriend about you, he isn’t a great choice in terms of having the maturity needed for discretion.

    If your company goes through a round of layoffs, you don’t want to be known as the pathetic, desperate cougar woman trolling for younger guys. And if the company lets you go, it isn’t easy for a woman in her 50s to find another job.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 2

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **If this guy shows up hungover from work at 30 and is in an “open” relationship in which he doesn’t tell his girlfriend about you, he isn’t a great choice in terms of having the maturity needed for discretion.**

      Yup. I mean, hell, isn’t finding NSA sex with a younger guy on a dating app kinda like shooting fish in a barrel?

      Moxie is 100% right. Unless someone takes great pains to prove to you that their relationship is truly open (like, arranges a lunch date with you and their partner to discuss the matter), assume they’re lying about it. I guess some might have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy, but eh – it’s always safe to assume someone is lying in shady circumstances like that.

      Why do you care, though? You slept with him regardless. Are you really worried about hurting her or are you wondering if you have a shot with him? Not to get all moralistic –
      I’m no angel and you already know it’s wrong – but at least be honest with yourself about what’s actually happening and what your motives really are.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 1

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      • Leyna Says:

        I can tell you with 100% certainty I do want anything from this man. That being said, I consider myself a fairly decent person and now that the initial rush of lust has passed, I’m seeing things more clearly. I’ve been cheated on and it sucks.

        I agree with Moxie that his attention and desire made me feel sexy and attractive. I had shut myself down sexually after a bad experience so wanting someone again was a big deal for me. It was easy to give into the moment.

        But he isn’t worth jeopardizing my career or reputation.

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  2. Noquay Says:

    OP; you’re 50. Do you really think it will be easy to find another position quickly if needed at your age? Generally not. I too get it that you’re lonely and yep, in our age range it really sucks. That and most age appropriate men are in horrid shape. Have no idea where you live but if they’re aren’t unattached attractive men where you are, look elsewhere as in another city or town, maybe another state. You need to decide whether leaving your area is what is needed to find companionship or stick it out in your job and accept being alone. Never, ever, $&@! in your own nest. This does not have a happy ending.

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  3. Speed Says:

    Awesome! So now I know what my next future ex-girlfriend is up to!

    I don’t know. There’s nothing wrong with getting with hot young people, but when it’s a workmate (peer, supervisor, subordinate, whatever) there are all kinds of potential catastrophes—as commenters above have noted.

    Personally, at 52, I see there are a heck of a lot of opportunities but also less time and far less forgiveness for mistakes. I would never want to wind up as another old guy flipping burgers, having thrown away my office career for a few hot interludes with a young thing.

    Please OP, just stop. If you want a hot young dude, there are plenty in bars or on Tinder.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 2

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  4. Parenting Says:

    Obviously, screwing a cheating coworker on your desk is a very bad career move. Cut and run.

    In general though, I dont think there’s anything wrong with dating a coworker unless you are in the military and there are policies against it. Generally, folks are discrete. I’ve seen relationships end in marriage and Ive seen relationships just end with both parties continueing to work together cordially. I even know a guy who worked for decades with two of his ex-wives in the same building. They were all professional about it. I don’t see the big deal…unless you are screwing at the office.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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    • Speed Says:

      You’re probably right. Maybe 95% nothing happens from this. No one discovers it, nothing happens. And I’ve read that 16% of marriages result from workplace romance.

      But if this thing blows up, he’ll be like “whatever” and take a year off backpacking and boozing in Thailand. Conversely, she’ll be a middle-aged, single jobless woman. So the chances of a bad outcome may be small, but it occurs, it’s catastrophic for her. For him, it’d just be a big joke.

      But I see these two at different career levels, stages of life, and mindsets. I’m about her age, and my main goal is stacking up as much bank as possible for actual or potential retirement (yes, I said it, the “r” word!). I couldn’t let a hot young woman at the office derail that.

      Of course, I fully realize I’m a dinosaur. So party on, sister!

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  5. Coffeestop Says:

    Moxie gave exactly the right answer here. If all Op wants is nsa sex with a younger man she can hit a dating app. I think she has some self sabotage issues to unpack if she is so willing to risk her professional reputation. I am a similar age and there is no way I would risk my professional credibility like this. You think being lonely sucks try being lonely, jobless, unable to pay the rent/mortgage and being without health insurance. Yes the holidays can suck for single folks if they cannot get to their families perfect time to hit the pause button and think about reasons for gratitude.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

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