The #1 Way To Look Like a Creep On Tinder & OKCupid

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The other morning, I woke up to a message request on Facebook. It was from a man that had seen my profile on Tinder and decided to bypass the system, find me on Facebook via our mutual friend’s profile, and message me there.  I took one look at the message and its length and blocked the guy. Yes, I read it first, but there was nothing he could have said that would have made me think he wasn’t being inappropriate. I considered responding and telling him he should respect the process of swipe left or right, but he’s a grown ass man and I’m not anybody’s mother.  Plus, I really didn’t want to engage the guy because people who do things like that tend to take such responses as encouragement. I hit block and didn’t think about it again.

That is, until the next morning. Seems our friend didn’t care for the fact that I blocked him. Once again circumventing the rules, he went to my ATWYS page and messaged me there, potentially creating a fake account to do so. This time, he was more snarky.

 

Screenshot_20171125-082715I contacted our mutual friend – a man – and asked that he speak to his friend and make it clear this kind of behavior is inappropriate and hostile. It goes without saying I have zero issues with advocating for myself. Cross a line with me and I’ll be sure to make you aware of it, should that line be one of importance. It wasn’t that I was afraid to say anything otthis guy. I didn’t fear for my safety. As I explained ot my friend, it’s time for men to start standing and speaking up for us. He agreed with no argument. There was so many things wrong with what this guy did, but the most egregious was the sense of entitlement he displayed. This guy felt he was owed a response simply for expressing interest.I’m a stranger. I don’t owe you anything, dude.

If you’re still-  in 2017 – thinking people should reply to your messages  “even if it’s to say they’re not interested” you need to catch up with the times. And let’s be honest, the real reason people ask for a response “either way” isn’t so they’ll know where they stand. No answer IS an answer. They want a response so they can try to further sell themselves or berate the other person in case they are rejected.  By requesting a response they’re tipping their hand, letting the recipient of their message know that they don’t get many responses.

I wrote about this experience  on Facebook and a follower asked where the line was in these situations. “If she links her Instagram to her Tinder profile, can I message her through Instagram?”

No. No you can’t. Here’s why: because – by linking to her Instagram profile – she’s merely inviting you to view her photos. She is not inviting you to contact her. I realize the line is blurry, which is why I always advise people not to link additional social media accounts to their dating profile. The general rule of thumb is to use only the method of communication given to you. Do not take it upon yourself to friend/follow/email/text someone because you “stumbled” across their social media page.  As frustrating as it can be at times, you have to respect the process. Sure, some might say that guy was being bold in how he approached me. He was being bold, but he was also being tone deaf by not considering how an act like that could be perceived.

Respect the boundaries and the rules. Online dating is no time to be a maverick. Crossing those unspoken lines is what gets people (men and women) labeled creepy.

Thoughts?

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17 Responses to “The #1 Way To Look Like a Creep On Tinder & OKCupid”

  1. Todd Says:

    This time I disagree with:
    If you’re still- in 2017 – thinking people should reply to your messages “even if it’s to say they’re not interested” you need to catch up with the times. And let’s be honest, the real reason people ask for a response “either way” isn’t so they’ll know where they stand. No answer IS an answer. They want a response so they can try to further sell themselves or berate the other person in case they are rejected. By requesting a response they’re tipping their hand, letting the recipient of their message know that they don’t get many responses.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 23

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  2. Todd Says:

    I disagree with your comment:

    And let’s be honest, the real reason people ask for a response
    “either way” isn’t so they’ll know where they stand. No answer
    IS an answer. They want a response so they can try to further
    sell themselves or berate the other person in case they are
    rejected. By requesting a response they’re tipping their
    hand, letting the recipient of their message know that they
    don’t get many responses.

    I believe in myself and my mother raised me in a manner where a polite response was re (I appreciate but don’t share your intyerest”

    I gave up online dating and now meet people primarily speed dating, through friends or by eating out at a NYC bar by myself.

    I
    You could not Online sites There should be

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  3. Todd Says:

    I disagree with your comment:

    And let’s be honest, the real reason people ask for a response
    “either way” isn’t so they’ll know where they stand. No answer
    IS an answer. They want a response so they can try to further
    sell themselves or berate the other person in case they are
    rejected. By requesting a response they’re tipping their
    hand, letting the recipient of their message know that they
    don’t get many responses.

    My parents raised me in a manner where a polite response was required (e.g., I appreciate but don’t share your interest”. I wanted to know if my interest wasn’t reciprocated merely as a way to quickly move on.

    The problem was sending a response provoked the dating sites to respond by sending “similar mismatches” based on my communication politely declining. I like myself and don’t need to sell myself to anyone who isn’t interested, nor do I feel compelled to berate them.

    There are plenty of insecure male trolls ruining it for others, but don’t lump me in with them based on your experiences.

    I gave up online dating because I loathed the medium. I now meet people primarily speed dating, through friends or by eating out at a NYC bar by myself. You can learn so much more about possible chemistry quickly this way.

    You could not Online sites There should be

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  4. Noquay Says:

    Thanks for this Moxie. Down to two on line sites from originally five. Just did much the same thing from two dudes who cannot or refuse to read my profile. Although I don’t list what it is I want in a partner, it should’ve been obvious to these two that we were in no way compatible as to age, education, lifestyle, drug/alcohol use or lack thereof, activity, cultural and fitness levels. Yet they got angry due to my lack of response. Ditto for those who are very different from who they present themselves to be in a profile and get mad because you choose not to continue having met them in person. Misrepresent yourself and no one owes you squat. I wish I lived somewhere where a compatible pool of men existed without living a lifestyle in a place I’d hate. Much prefer to meet folk IRL but until I find that mythical community, online is what I’m stuck with

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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  5. Mandy Says:

    “The general rule of thumb is to use only the method of communication given to you. Do not take it upon yourself to friend/follow/email/text someone because you “stumbled” across their social media page.”

    This, this, this! And it doesn’t just apply to online dating, this is true in every aspect of life. If you give someone your phone number you don’t expect them to show up at your door; if you give someone your email, you don’t expect to receive a phone call; if you invite someone into your living room, you don’t expect to turn your back and find them in your bedroom. Boundaries, people!!!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 1

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  6. Yvonne Says:

    I have always disliked it when I “liked” or contacted a guy and he felt the need to respond with disinterest. You didn’t respond; I figured out that you weren’t interested. I also probably forgot that I’d even contacted you after a couple of days with no response, and now I’m being reminded of what I already knew: you’re not interested. I’m not exactly sure what is so “polite” about that. In fact, Match.com has a feature (at least last time I was on there), that gives you the chance to send a stock rejection to someone, and as Moxie implies, I always thought it was another attempt to keep people engaged (even in a negative way) on the site.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **You didn’t respond; I figured out that you weren’t interested. I also probably forgot that I’d even contacted you after a couple of days with no response, and now I’m being reminded of what I already knew: you’re not interested. I’m not exactly sure what is so “polite” about that.**

      Yup, exactly. Assume others are adults who can roll with the punches. It might even cruelly get the other person’s hopes up to see the name in the inbox before they read the “nope, sorry” message. It’s just unnecessarily rubbing someone’s nose in it.

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      • Parenting Says:

        I’ll be the odd man out. I always prefered to be acknowledged even if its with a polite “no thanks” at least when i first got into online dating. I think some folks are still coming from the IRL culture where not acknowledging someone talking to you is considered rude. After a couple of years of online dating, it makes no difference to me to be ignored. I dont remember who i contacted and who i didnt contact anyway. But getting the occassional “no thanks” made me appreciate the sender just a bit.

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      • betty Says:

        Isn’t this exactly why interfaces like Tinder exist? Interfaces that ONLY tell you when there’s a match, not “sorry, Bob thinks you’re gross”. And if people can’t follow the very basic and mutually advantageous protocol, they are sociopaths.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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  7. Beta Male Says:

    This is why people fade. Generally those who want a “no thanks” response are the same ones who go ballistic on anyone who doesn’t respond the way they want them to respond. There are exceptions but finding those exceptions isn’t worth it and is a waste of everyone’s time.

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  8. Nia Says:

    I have mixed feelings on the “no thanks”. When I was deep in online dating, if the profile and initial message were respectful and reasonable, I would craft a quick one-liner for a couple reasons:

    So they wouldn’t keep contacting me

    So they wouldn’t match with me again or “come back around” after a few months

    Because I personally would rather have a nice “no thanks” than wonder what’s up. Yes, lack of an answer is an answer. But *personally* I’d like the final, firm “no” rather than wondering if maybe they’re on a promising second date, and I might have a chance later, or whatever.

    However, I *totally* agree that the type that insists on a “no” is also the type that goes bananas when you say “no”. And guess what? That’s also the guy (let’s face it, it’s guys) that tone polices your “no” and insists that it wasn’t “nice” enough. This is the guy that believes or claims to believe that a firm, polite “no” gets men to back off. Or that women should “not allow” harassment, assault, or catcalling and should be “fighting back”. With no idea of what women face every day and how f-ing scary it is to find emails or messages from men you don’t know on a platform you aren’t using for dating.

    These men seem to have no concept of what women live through and the math they do *every day*. Is he dangerous? Is he unhinged? Is he going to be one of those stalkers and doxxers I’ve read horror stories about? Is he just nice and clueless? If I’m *too* nice is he going to feel there’s hope? If I’m too cold is he going to get mad and call me names and stalk me on multiple platforms?

    Dudes, take silence as a “no”. It’s part of enthusiastic consent culture. LACK OF A NO IS NOT A YES. Anything less than an enthusiastic, clear yes IS A NO. That includes silence, blocking, etc.

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  9. UWSGal Says:

    I used to strive for some middle ground. I made a disclaimer in my profile that I wouldn’t be able to respond to anyone who does not meet the criteria I had outlined there. And i didn’t. People who did meet the criteria but I just didn’t like them, i responded to with a polite “no”. Just trying to introduce some civility and sanity in the process at the same time.

    btw, the worst – people who don’t meet your criteria and attempt to challenge them. My absolute best “favorite” are men from close and far suburbs of NYC who wanted to explain me why I shouldn’t just limit myself to dating men from the city LOL

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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    • Nia Says:

      The amount of men with *young* children (I’m talking 5 and under) who tried to talk me into “giving it a chance” when I stated in no uncertain terms that I didn’t want children (mine or anyone else’s) and the only exception was long “grown and flown” kids was astounding.

      I remember having a rather heated exchange with a man who had three under 10 children and I was like “Do I have to explain why that’s an issue?”

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      • UWSGal Says:

        I had same experience with suburbanites. We all, and men, i think, in particular, have a hard time coming to terms with the limitations on our desirability.

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  10. Betty Says:

    Or how about creepy dudes on Meetup. Just got a message from some rando (older guy, of course) that said he was sorry he couldn’t make the hike I was signed up for because he really wanted to meet me. Out of nowhere. Then I get a message an hour later from this guy saying “hey, you know what I just thought of, we could go out another time!”. I told him “not interested” and blocked him. It’s not a singles or dating Meetup, but a god damn hiking Meetup. How does this douche know that I’m not in a relationship, or married, or gay. Dudes, have you learned nothing from Matt Lauer. Give it a rest.

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  11. AnnieNonymous Says:

    I think it can be more nuanced than this. I matched with a guy 2 years ago on Tinder and he asked to meet up with me. The timing didn’t work out and then I started seeing someone else so we never followed through on it. Flash forward a few years and we’re facebook friends – I’m not kidding when I say that when he popped up on “people you might know” (we have 4 friends in common and went to the same high school) I added him because he looked familiar but I honestly didn’t remember it was from Tinder. I figured I’d remember who he was once I could see more of his profile. He added me, I remembered he was a Tinder match, and I eventually sent a message. We chat here and there and might meet up after the holidays.

    The message isn’t “Don’t contact people on facebook when you first saw them on tinder.” The message is, “Don’t be a creep and then pretend you didn’t know it was creepy.”

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