Breaking: Not Every Woman Is Desperate To Settle Down

December 3rd, 2017

Boundaries, Cheating, NEW!, Newish, Snooping, Texting

Texting-a-girl-in-bed-1

 

Name: Nash | | Location: Toronto , Ontario, Canada |Question: Hi Moxie,

Long time reader and first time sending you a question. Love your no-nonsense feedback and often too frank approach and I think this kind of reality check is just what the doctor ordered.

I’m a 43yo guy and I’ve been dating this woman for about a yr now. I love HR to death and to be honest I’m not sure if the problem lies with me and underscores some insecurities I may have or if this is the norm with women.

My girlfriend is about to move in with me. We’ve been planning and talking about this for a while and it’s finally happening. I’m pretty excited about that!!

My concern is that I’ve read some of her text messages (I know, I know…crucify the bad guy now) and while she tells me she does not have any unresolved feelings for any of her exes, I found 2 of them that she has been pretty open and saying that she still longs for them sexually. I’m a pretty open minded guy but I also have old fashioned values and I find this very offensive. Am I just kidding myself and worried for nothing since she assures me that I’ve nothing to worry about? Do women text their exes like this a lot? It seems like she’s always checking out the grass on the other side and can’t help but feel like she’ll bail of she finds serving that seems better.

Am I crazy or do you and/or your readers think that this is totally inappropriate?

Appreciate your insights on this. |Age: 43

 

 

Without seeing the texts and knowing exactly what she said, I can’t say for sure what her motivation was for writing those texts. I will say that men do what your girlfriend did all the time and it rarely means they’re unhappy. Usually they do it because they’re looking to spice things up without actually having sex with someone else.   What’s throwing you, I think, is the idea that women have sex drives and crave variety, too.

while she tells me she does not have any unresolved feelings for any of her exes, I found 2 of them that she has been pretty open and saying that she still longs for them sexually. I’m a pretty open minded guy but I also have old fashioned values and I find this very offensive.

When you jerk off, do you think about other women besides your girlfriend? Is that offensive? Granted, it’s not totally the same thing. But sending erotic text messages is a far cry from sleeping with someone else. Why would you be offended at the idea that your girlfriend fantasizes about other men? Do you honestly believe that when we’re lying there beneath you, we’re always thinking about you? I can’t tell you how many times thoughts of Jeremy Renner have topped me off. Or an ex. There are people – men and women – out there who engage in this kind of activity with absolutely no plan of ever acting on it. It’s all about intention. This is where communication is key and why couples need to check in with each other and put their egos aside.

There’s been a lot of talk here about what turns a woman on and how women are more emotional and therefore cheat less or for different reasons. All this stereotyping is encouraging the wrong expectations. Like how, as long as your showering a woman with attention and affection and offer her the idea of security, she won’t stray. That all we need to stay faithful is a ring or our name on a lease.

Women have a lot of the same impulses and desires and fantasies as men. Women have sex for many of the same reason men have sex, and it has nothing to do with wanting an emotional connection or to feel safe. I think a lot of men are choosing to ignore that and sticking their heads in the sand because the truth scares them too much. Yes, guys, keeping us satisfied has gotten more difficult.

Am I just kidding myself and worried for nothing since she assures me that I’ve nothing to worry about? Do women text their exes like this a lot? It seems like she’s always checking out the grass on the other side and can’t help but feel like she’ll bail of she finds serving that seems better.

I’ll say this: Behavior like that of your girlfriend – to me – hints at the possibility that she’s nervous about moving in together. It’s a big step. I don’t have to tell you that. Again, I think what’s got you so twisted is that you believe all women are dying to get a man to move in with them and put a ring on their finger. Um, no? Maybe she’s afraid to give up her autonomy? Maybe she’s worried you two might not work out? Maybe she’s afraid she’s giving up her apartment and independence without any guarantee things will work out. In short: maybe she’s a normal human being.

Rarely is our behavior ever motivated by one thing. It’s not that simple. There are always secondary motives driving our actions and decisions. Could she be texting her exes for the vicarious thrill? Sure. But my guess is there is more to it. Just like I think there’s more to your snooping than just a nagging gut feeling. You two both need to have a discussion about how you really feel about taking this next step. The texting and the snooping are merely symptoms of deeper issues, if you ask me.

And you know what? It’s okay to be afraid or worried or want to change the pace of a relationship. It’s actually quite normal. What you want to avoid is moving forward with something because you think you’re supposed to as opposed to genuinely wanting to.

 

Thoughts?

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23 Responses to “Breaking: Not Every Woman Is Desperate To Settle Down”

  1. UWSGal Says:

    Well if that woman doesn’t want to settle down – sexting with an ex is def the way to accomplish that. While i too know what it’s like, i want to point out the obvious – when I am fantasizing about a different guy during sex, that means i am not in love with the guy i am having sex with. Same goes for sexting. I don’t know, i am personally a one love at a time person like that. That doesn’t mean the OP’s g/f doesn’t love him, or care for him, or that she would cheat. It just means that she’s not in love with him. They may work great as a couple, being head over heels in love is not really necessary for that. As long as he’s clear where he stands.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 5

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    • Mandy Says:

      Are you really saying that if you’re in love with a guy, you’ll never (NEVER!) fantasize about someone else during sex? I can barely contain my disbelief over here. I mean, yes, sometimes we have very emotional loving sex where I’m only thinking about him…but sometimes we have just have sex, for fun, to get off, etc., and I’ll be fantasizing about all kinds of things. It doesn’t mean I love him any less! My fantasies (and crushes on hot men, both celebrity and otherwise) haven’t changed just because I’m in a relationship with a man I love.

      As to the post, if your GF has always maintained these types of relationships with her ex, that’s one thing, but if it’s changed/increased recently that might be a sign of something. (Also, if you DIDN’T read her texts, would you have ANY concerns? That’s something to think about). Either way, you need to talk and get on the same page about what is acceptable relationships with members of the opposite sex and what level of communication of those relationships you should have with each other.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        **Are you really saying that if you’re in love with a guy, you’ll never (NEVER!) fantasize about someone else during sex? I can barely contain my disbelief over here.**

        Yup, I had the same reaction – like, who the hell is that pure? I think there’s a difference between thinking of a porn scene or some hot celebrity to get your motor runnin’ and thinking about a person in your actual life that you’d rather be with. Are you just quickly scratching an itch to get off or are you totally emotionally disconnected and going through the motions? Although even if my boyfriend is thinking of a hot celebrity and I’m reaping the rewards, I don’t wanna hear those details, and I extend the same courtesy.

        I dunno, I’d be pretty damn turned off by being with someone who was sexting other people.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 0

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        • Parenting Says:

          I can see where UWSGAL is coming from. I’m not talking about flirting with the cute pool boy then running home to screw your mans brains out. If you commonly need someone outside of your relationship to excite you, you either have a high need for sexual variety or your partner doesnt excite you any more. Its not uncommon with long term marriages. I know couples who revived their marriage through swinging. To each his own, but I would not consider it normal for me to fantasize about someone else during sex without it meaning theres something lacking for me in my partner.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

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      • UWSGal Says:

        Uhm… yeah? I am talking about being in love, “real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love” (c) SATC. I had three real lives in my life and those men at the time were my emotional focal point. I didn’t need to fantasize about anybody else. Is that so weird?

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 8

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        • Mandy Says:

          You mention those men being your “emotional focal point” and that makes sense to me. I understand not having emotional fantasies about other men like you might do when you’re single or unsatisfied (for example, sitting in bed on a Sunday morning with imaginary kids and a husband that’s not your partner, and bright white sheets like in a cotton commercial). But I’m talking about sexual fantasies. To me, they’re totally different things. No matter how in love I am, and how great the sex is, I’m going to fantasize about other men–imaginary men, celebrities, ex-lovers, random strangers I saw–on at least an occasional basis. Both when I’m, ahem, by myself, and sometimes when I’m with my partner. This has NOTHING to do with cheating or wanting to cheat.

          And I do think sexting with exes crosses a line towards cheating, I wouldn’t be OK with that. That’s very different than just having fantasies in your head.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Yeah, emotional fantasies are the ones that can be harmful. Like, say your boyfriend is Joe and yet you’re sitting there thinking, “Well, but *Steve* would really take his time. *Steve* is in better shape. If I was with *Steve*, I wouldn’t have to tell him what I want, he would *just know* because we have this connection I’ve never felt with anyone else…”

            Sexual fantasies are your imagination. You can fantasize about things that you fully recognize would be ridiculous (and perhaps not even actually feel good) in real life. An orgy on a roller coaster with the football team? Hey, whatever, yo – it’s your fantasy. Go nuts. It’s just to help sustain the sexy and turned on feelings enough to orgasm. If your mind doesn’t work that way, then fine, but it’s kind of shaming to imply that it means you’re not in love or there’s something wrong with you if you do think that way.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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            • Speed Says:

              “Emotional fantasies are the ones that can be harmful. Like, say your boyfriend is Joe and yet you’re sitting there thinking, “Well, but *Steve* would really take his time. *Steve* is in better shape. If I was with *Steve*, I wouldn’t have to tell him what I want, he would *just know* because we have this connection I’ve never felt with anyone else…”

              This. X100

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  2. Parenting Says:

    Yeah, I’m there with you. I dont sext my exes when Im with someone. If my partner needed to go outside of our relationship for gratification (sexting or otherwise) I’d expect that we would agree to some form of open relationship otherwise I’d consider it cheating as I’m sure would he.

    If OP’s girlfriend is starting to stray just when the relationship is escalating, I wonder if there is an underlying compatibility issue thats causing her to panic and sabotage the relationship.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 0

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  3. Selena Says:

    If my lover were sending texts to exes saying he longed for them sexually, I would think he did long for them sexually and was letting them know he was available for trysts at any time. Fantasizing privately in one’s mind is one thing, texting an invitation is something else entirely.

    If your girlfriend is not committed to being sexually faithful to you, don’t you think it’s better you know that before you move in together? Internet strangers can speculate, but only your girlfriend knows what her motivations are for doing this. Why aren’t you talking to her about her texts? If you don’t, you will likely continue to snoop, mistrust her and always be looking for “evidence”. That’s the kind of thing that eats people up inside and can destroy a relationship even if there is no actual infidelity.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 0

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **Fantasizing privately in one’s mind is one thing, texting an invitation is something else entirely.**

      Yup, exactly. I don’t agree at all that it’s just the OP being uptight about women’s sexuality.

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  4. Jesse Says:

    The OP writes that he found text messages from his girlfriend sent to ex-lovers saying she still has feelings for them. When confronted, she said don’t worry.

    She’s lying. Don’t put up with this crap. If you do, it will only get worse. Either lay down the law or leave.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

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  5. ATWYSingle Says:

    It’s important to keep in mind that someone who would snoop through someone else’s phone or computer probably isn’t the most trustworthy person. As such, you have to take what they say with a grain of salt.

    I found 2 of them that she has been pretty open and saying that she still longs for them sexually.

    We have no idea what she actually said in those texts. Nor do we know what prompted her responses. For all we know, the exes are texting her and trying to get her to hook up with them by trying to get her to reminisce and she’s being polite saying things like, “Oh, how can Iforget that night?” or “I will never forget that night.”

    I’ve always maintained that people would be shocked – SHOCKED – to know what people do behind their partner’s backs. Monogamy is difficult for many people. Some do what they can to get that variety without being unfaithful. I know so many men and women who still engage in flirty messages with exes even though they’re happy in their relationships. Every relationships has its highs and lows. If it doesn’t, then I would question just how solid that relationship is.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 15

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    • Yvonne Says:

      But they’ve only been dating for a year, AND she is planning to move in with him. Yes, monogamy can be hard for long-term couples who have been together for years or decades, but a year is still the honeymoon phase. It seems a little early to be sexting with ex-boyfriends and longing for other men. Plus, if she’s around the same age as her boyfriend, one would think she’d have sown her wild oats and be more ready to settle down if she’s truly in love with him.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

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    • Selena Says:

      **I’ve always maintained that people would be shocked – SHOCKED – to know what people do behind their partner’s backs. Monogamy is difficult for many people. **

      Apparently. It provides clientele for therapists and a very lucrative profession to those who go into family law.

      ** I know so many men and women who still engage in flirty messages with exes even though they’re happy in their relationships. **

      See above.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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    • Zaire Says:

      Naw. If you snoop based on a suspicion and it is confirmed that negates the snooping in my opinion. Ideally it shouldn’t happen at all but I’m with the OP on this one. Ain’t nobody breaking their neck to move in with someone who is actively exchanging sexual texts with an ex.

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      • Parenting Says:

        There are two problems for me with what you just said:
        1. You’re assuming that snooping is always a consequence of something the person being snooped on did rather than a consequence of the snoopers insecurities or paranoia.

        2. You shouldnt be violating your partners privacy and throwing your self respect out the window to break into phones, email accounts and underware drawers. If you cannot trust the person you are with, get out of it.

        I realize its not always as simple as that, but its a good general rule.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 6

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        • Zaire Says:

          1. Not sure how you can say that when I specifically stated “IF it is based on suspicion..” I made sure to qualify my statement and mad no mention of insecurity or anything else, but since we are here no I don’t think feeling insecure is enough to snoop. You need probable cause, they’ve lied about who they’re talking to, what they’re doing or other sneaking behavior. Believe it or not sometimes there are legitimate reasons to be suspicious of a partners behavior (see OP). If a man or woman’s spouse is acting distant, out of character, etc they investigate and find out there’s something going on on the side I’m not going to begrudge them feeling betrayed by saying “yeah they’re being shady but you snooped tho, so why are you mad?”

          2. Again nobody said partners have carte blanche to violate one another’s privacy. Trust, like love, is fluid and dependent on how the relationship is going and other signs of (dis)content. It’s not always as simple as do I trust them “yes, okay I’ll remain” or “no, I’ll be packing my bags”. The OP’s is involved with a woman who (ostensibly) loves him and is willing to move in yet she is exchanging sexual texts with ex-boyfriends which makes him uncomfortable. In this case which representative should he “trust” and hinge his decision to leave/remain/arrest the relationship on?

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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          • Parenting Says:

            Suspicion is by definition subjective.

            Thing is, if you feel like your partner is behaving in a strange or distant or suspicious way, you can talk to them. If you are with someone who is a generally honest person, talk to them about your concerns. “You have been distant. Are you unhappy?” Theres generally no need to snoop.

            If you think your partner is a generally dishonest person and you have to snoop to find out whats going on with them, perhaps you shouldnt be with this person regardless of the answer.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 5

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        • Shadowcat Says:

          I agree with you in theory but unfortunately, in practice I have trusted and honored my partners privacy in more than one relationship only to be made a fool of. Sometimes where there’s smoke there’s fire, I just chose to ignore it, even when it’s burning right in front of my face.

          I will grant this… if you suffer from a partner’s infidelity and choose to reconcile, the all-consuming obsession to snoop on every aspect of their lives that often develops afterwards is unhealthy. It can take over your life. If you don’t have the strength to act on your discovery it’s best to leave it alone. Otherwise if you stay in the relationship, it will be poisoned with your distrust and resentment, and you won’t tell your partner why because you don’t want your “snooping” to be discovered…

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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  6. Coffeestop Says:

    I guess I am boring I have never been in a relationship and openly texted somebody else speakingly about in texting. Sure lots of thoughts bounced in my head I just did not let the other person know. I think if she had the chance she would go for it.

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  7. Jack Says:

    She’s telling her exes she still wants to fuck them? Clear deal breaker. She’s clearly looking to cheat.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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