Why Did He Go From Hot to Cold?

December 13th, 2017

Moxie 101, NEW!, Red Flag 101, Red Flags, Texting, Tinder

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This story was told to me. I’m paraphrasing.

Last week I had what I would call a perfect date with a guy I met on Tinder.  Drinks led to appetizers led to going back to my place and having sex for three hours. I woke up to a text from him saying he had a great time and couldn’t wait until our next date scheduled for that weekend. I replied and told him I was looking forward to it as well and wished him a great day.

I sent him a text to confirm our date for the following night. He replied immediately and said something had come up and he’d get back to me. I responded to his text saying I sensed something had changed and asked if that was the case. He never responded. It’s been almost a week.

Extra information: On our date he mentioned he was filling out paperwork for something related to his visa. I don’t know if that had anything to do with his sudden disappearance.  (He’s lived here for years and has a child.)

 
People’s first impulse will be to say that the guy got laid and so he lost interest. That’s possible. I doubt the visa had anything to do with it, but that’s possible, too. For all you know he’s married. What I will say definitively is that the sex had nothing to do with it.

The more likely explanation is that, when he wrote that text saying he was looking forward to your next date, he was being genuine. Then the sex haze faded and he went out with someone else and decided he was more compatible with her. Instead of responding to your question about where you stood with either words of encouragement or a dismissal, he said nothing. Just in case. That way nothing can be held against him should he circle back around to you in a few weeks. The cancellation is sort of par for the course these days, but the non-response to your text is what makes him a dick. He needs to be more responsible with how he encourages women if he’s going to act like that.

I don’t think he lost interest so much as his interested in you got shifted to the back burner. I also think that what you experienced is commonplace now. The connections we make on these apps are fleeting. More than likely, this guy is going to reappear after the New Year and feed you some bullshit excuse about why he fell off the face of the earth, when really he just dated someone for a month and things didn’t work out or he got bored.  Or, to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, his life got complicated and he faded for awhile. I’ve had this happen to me and I can’t tell you how angry I feel when these guys shower me with attention then go dark, on to resurface weeks later and act like nothing happened. Hopefully, when he does pop back up, you have something else going on so that you can tell him you’re not available and mean it.

Thoughts?

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33 Responses to “Why Did He Go From Hot to Cold?”

  1. UWSGal Says:

    His interest didn’t fade, he had no interest beyond hooking up in the first place. He is “dating” multiple women in a similar fashion at the same time and somebody newer/more exciting surfaced so he’s banging her at this time. To invoke the level of interest in a guy that makes him want him drop all the other women and be your real boyfriend is RARE, as it should be. Real connections are rare.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Very much this. I think we get very bored, very quickly these days. Tinder dates are especially flakey, as a person doesn’t need a fleshed out profile to get a date. The dates we make on Tinder aren’t the same as the ones we make on, say, OKCupid or Match, because we’re basing our decision to meet on surface criteria.

      He’ll be back.

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      • UWSGal Says:

        Oh yeah, 100% he’ll be back, they always are. With some sob story about why he blew her off the first time. That won’t mean he’s any more interested though, he has shown his hand and the op should believe him the first time.

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  2. Beta Male Says:

    “I responded to his text saying I sensed something had changed and asked if that was the case.”

    A response asking “if something has changed” comes off as confrontational to some. For all she knew, he might had been open to rescheduling but once she asked if “something had changed” he probably thought she wasn’t worth “the drama” and faded.

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  3. fuzzilla Says:

    **I can’t tell you how angry I feel when these guys shower me with attention then go dark, on to resurface weeks later and act like nothing happened. **

    This was one of the things The Worst Guy I Ever Dated did (of course, at the time, I flattered myself that he “just couldn’t stop thinking about me” or some jazz. Obviously, or else I would’ve cut him off right then and there).

    Another guy did the fade and resurface a month later thing. We’d had a great date and I was really into him, but he was not over his divorce, so I didn’t invest much energy into him. The “not emotionally available” red flags were so obvious it was like I couldn’t even get mad about it, just walked on by.

    Beta Male is probably right that the woman’s response made the guy go, “uh oh, drama.” So maybe she should’ve kept that to herself – but then again, if speaking your mind freely causes them to bail, is it really any loss? Don’t you *want* to lose time wasters?

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    • Parenting Says:

      Idk, Maybe she scared him off with “drama” or maybe he didnt see the point of responding after cancelling the date. Im sure he’ll be back too. I only wish I were in a position to say to all those jerks who did the “re-appearing act” on me over the years something along the lines of “Who is this? Oh yeah, I think I remember you. No thanks. The sex was bad.”

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        I sort of had a moment like that running into an ex- randomly in the drug store and he thought I’d be all emotional and I genuinely didn’t recognize him (I was used to him with glasses, plus not expecting to see him).

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        In thinking some more about the woman in the story – no, the guy wasn’t any great loss, but being too vulnerable around people who haven’t earned that level of trust is kind of unnecessarily disempowering yourself. So no, she shouldn’t have shared that she felt like something was off.

        And yes, it’s also true that never letting yourself be vulnerable is also an impediment to building a true connection. Dating being what it is, most people you meet won’t be worth it, you just have to pay attention and carefully consider who might be. It’s hard to turn off the “don’t f*** with me” shield that’s likely served you well for a long time and you’ll get burned if you think you should trust someone and you were wrong. That’s what makes dating so difficult and exhausting.

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        • Parenting Says:

          In general, I completely agree that giving your trust to an un-vetted stranger is a bad idea. However, Im not sure she made herself all that vulnerable by asking a relatively innocuous question even if it was an unnecessary question to ask and betrayed her investment in the outcome. Seems like sleeping with a stranger, labeling the experience as “perfect” and building an attachment to and expectations around the outcome was where she made herself overly vulnerable.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            I didn’t think she meant perfect in the sense of, “OMG, everything I’ve always dreamed of!!” I read it as, “Everything seemed great and I can’t see where I could’ve possibly made a misstep.” Agreed that she probably got too attached too soon. Have sex with your dates whenever you want, but if you know you’ll get attached quickly, you might wanna hold off a bit.

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  4. LizM Says:

    I agree with Moxie‘s assessment. I think that he was genuine when he sent the first text. That a little time passed and his perspective changed. It doesn’t mean that he didn’t like her or that he wouldn’t want to go out with her again. It just means he may have gotten ahead of himself. The only thing I will add is to advise in the future not to send follow-up text to date about “sending something has changed”. It may be true but it’s also making a lot of assumptions. It puts the guy on the defensive. Might make him wonder about “drama“ and whether this woman is one to jump to conclusions based on her own insecurities. “Too much trouble.” Ironically, it may very well be true that something has changed. And if you’ve been in The dating world long enough you can usually trust your Spidey senses. Still, if you let it go instead, you’ll learn soon enough weather “something has changed“ and it leaves the door open. By texting something like that you’re forcing the door closed.

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    • LizM Says:

      Talk to text typos. My apologies.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      As uncomfortable as it might feel, he should have sent the text and said he was no longer available that night. That’s it. None of this “I’ll get back to you” stuff. Spoiler alert: he’s not going to get back to her any time soon and he knows it. He’s keeping her dangling, which I find cruel.

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  5. Mark Says:

    I wouldn’t assume the sex had nothing to do with it. Sometimes guys freak out when a woman sleeps with them on the first date especially if the guy didn’t have to do much convincing. It’s not fair and it’s not right but it happens. Never underestimate the male ego.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 3

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  6. Yvonne Says:

    I have found that many men get overwhelmed easily. After a date with 3 hours of sex, most men might assume that you want them to be your boyfriend. Reality sets in and the guy freaks out because he’s “not ready” to show up on a regular basis. And he isn’t since he barely knows you…although that won’t stop him from getting laid, of course.

    He doesn’t respond because doesn’t know how to tell you that, and he wants to avoid confrontation. You sent him 2 texts so he knows you’re into him. He might be back and he might not. In any case, it’s rude and disrespectful behavior. And yes, he may well be married.

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  7. Ss16 Says:

    This is the reason why I have started to treat dating apps like a lottery machine. It’s nice to have, but I would never bet on it. Chances are very slim that you’ll meet someone who you find a genuine connection with. It is a sad reality that it’s hard to meet people in real life, but it’s even harder online.

    If you’ve known a guy in real life for a while and then started dating, he wouldn’t so easily fade on you as he would feel more like a dick to do that to a fellow human being. The whole online thing makes every one of us look like products that they can just discard. I’ve definitely done the whole fade thing to men who expressed interests in me after a first date but that level of interests was not reciprocated by me. Reflecting on myself, I have decided not to do that anymore. If I’m not interested, I would at least text back and let them know. But again, not everyone has the decency to do that these days. And we just have to adjust our expectation – in this case, to be nearly zero even though the sex was hot and you two seem to have had fun.

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  8. Betty Says:

    I’m not sure about the assumption that every guy online is dating multiple women and having a grand old time. Most of the guys I talk to tell me tales of women flaking, not looking like their picture, bizarre behavior on dates, etc. I think the guy freaked out for one reason or another but I doubt he’s having sex with multiple women a week.

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    • Beta Male Says:

      Exactly. He isn’t leaving her “dangling” because if he was he would have responded to her text with some vague promise to reschedule without any real commitment for doing so. As far as he’s concerned he’s not interested. He may or may not be dating other women but don’t assume he is (there are a number of reasons why he might have flaked), just note that he just isn’t interested. I’m pretty sure she would never hear from him again unless she initiates contact.

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  9. Mike Says:

    As a guy who has been on (not anymore) these dating apps/sites, I would guess that the sex had nothing to do with it, even though it apparently was quite excellent. I am guessing he found someone(s) he liked better and just stopped communicating.

    The problem with these dating apps/sites is that they are pretty much set up to start and end relationships in the awful way you describe – except for every once in a while when both parties want to have a long term relationship. Until that happy moment, it takes an enormous amount of time to initiate and respond to pings/swipes/connections, text/chat, make a date, find out if you have chemistry and seem compatible, make follow up dates, and repeat (until you decide to stop swiping) – all while going through the same process (in various stages) with one or more other possibilities. After all, no one knows how far it is going to go at the outset or even the middle-set? A guy that you really like probably will have several possibilities in the queue so to speak, and it is natural for him to rank them as to whom he likes better. It probably also is smart to quickly drop those who are not going to work out.

    Given that the vast majority of these new “relationships” are not going to work out, it becomes a question of how to end them. It is much simpler (although perhaps not very nice) to just fade away. Especially after the first date.

    I would imagine that many women are in the same boat and basically doing the same thing as guys. They chat for a while and stop. They have a date, but then go dark on their end. I also have been stood up before, although that was rare. One woman even abandoned me at a bar during the first date without saying goodbye.

    In the few times when a woman told me why we have no future, it was not particularly helpful information: we had no chemistry; she is having a baby (really!); or she wants someone who loves to sail on weekends. OK, I will avoid pregnant sailors.

    There were a couple women who asked me for direct feedback as to why I did not want to see them again – but really, what am I going to say? You are much older or fatter than your pictures? You were nasty to the wait staff? I don’t like you as much as another woman I met?

    If having sex on a first (or early) date is an issue, don’t do it. Wait until it is clear that a long term relationship is a likely. Especially if you think guys just want to get laid once and move on.

    In conclusion, my guess is that this guy liked you just fine, but there was someone(s) else he liked better. So he faded away. Maybe that is a bad thing. Maybe he should have said, I like you less than Rhonda from last Tuesday. But I am not sure you would know anything more useful than you do now. You did not make his cut. Why does it matter why?

    My deep felt personal advice would be to get off the dating apps. They are dispiriting and dehumanizing. They lead to endings just like this one ALL THE TIME. I think it is better to meet people in person, face to face. Doing that gives you more information in 5-10 minutes than you can get in several days of swiping and chatting.

    And expect some more bad behavior.

    Hope this is useful. Best of luck!

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    • Yvonne Says:

      “There were a couple women who asked me for direct feedback as to why I did not want to see them again – but really, what am I going to say? You are much older or fatter than your pictures? You were nasty to the wait staff? I don’t like you as much as another woman I met? ”

      Of course you don’t say those things. You say something more general, like, “I’m just not feeling the right chemistry”. Unless it’s been 3 dates or less (except in this case, since they had sex) I still think that leaving someone hanging with no explanation at all is cowardly and rude.

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      • Zaire Says:

        I’m sure he knows what to say. I think his overall point was there is nothing to be gained by asking for feedback from a stranger because people will just give generic/diplomatic and ultimately meaningless responses.

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        • Yvonne Says:

          I didn’t say you’d need to explain to a “stranger”. If you’ve had more than 3 dates, the other person isn’t exactly a stranger. I suppose if you have sex with someone on a first date, you perhaps can’t expect to continue seeing them, but it seems like if you were attracted enough to have sex for 3 hours, you might want to give them some response.

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    • UWSGal Says:

      I agree with everything that you’ve said but I have a question, could use a guy’s perspective on this:

      “what am I going to say? You are much older or fatter than your pictures? You were nasty to the wait staff? I don’t like you as much as another woman I met”
      Is the above ^^ really just a code for “you are not attractive enough”? I mean, if the woman was super attractive, more than anyone else on your twitter queue, would it have mattered if she was rude to the wait stuff or whatever?

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      • Beta Male Says:

        Physical attraction is one thing but if your date is unreasonably nasty to others during the date then that person isn’t worth dating regardless of attractiveness. Unless someone is purely and only in it for the sex without any consideration for anything else you’re not going to continue to date that person if there’s nothing redeeming about that person. Even if you’re just looking for a one night stand you want to at least like who you are hooking up with as a human being. If not then you are a sociopath pure and simple.

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      • Parenting Says:

        If rudeness is a turn off for someone then she would by definition “not be attractive enough”, right? If you were on a date with the hottest guy in Hollywood but you found out that he tortured his dog and was stealing perscription drugs from his elderly mother, would you keep dating him because he was just so attractive?

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  10. Stu Says:

    I agree with others that he met someone else. If he’s setting up second dates with you and telling you how great you are after one date he’s probably doing that with other women. He’s a proverbial kid in a candy store. First he thinks you’re great and he’s all into you, then he meets someone else and he’s all into her, and so on. Once he’s cycled through a few women he’ll hit you up again like nothing happened.

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  11. 40something Says:

    I don’t think the dude was overwhelmed after 3 hours of sex. I also don’t know if he’s getting more ass than a toilet seat. Yeah, maybe the guy got busy. I don’t think sending a text saying you sense something is different is “dramatic.” It’s a text. Girl didnt send him a wedding registry at The Knot. Sending a text isn’t really effort so I’ll go with the consensus. He probably enjoyed his time with her and isn’t that interested. He feels he has options just as everyone does, although sometimes they seem better than others :-)

    Yes, she will get a text from him in the next couple of weeks saying he’s been so busy or a late night text saying “you up?” Just a guess.

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    • Beta Male Says:

      You’re right it is just a text but tone matters especially during the early stage of dating. There’s a difference in tone between, “Okay, let’s reschedule when things are less busy,” and “did something change since our last date.” The former leaves the possibility of a future date open without setting high expectations while the latter comes across as already having a high vested interest after one date which may scare some off.

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      • ATWYSingle Says:

        I mean, okay, but don’t you think sending her a text saying she was great and that he couldn’t wait for the next date showed an inordinate level of investment, too? That text from him didn’t help if he was looking to avoidbuilding expectations. That kind of 180 degree turn is, at the very least, odd. You can’t expect someone not to be confused when you’re hot one day, cold the next.

        Situations like this will always get my hackles up. I’ve been where this woman has been and it sucks to have a guy build you up just to completely blow you off.

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        • Beta Male Says:

          His text after the first date were either his feelings during that moment or something he texted because he believed that was something she wanted to read. Like you said that text was likely of the moment before he had time to process. People are still strangers after the first date, regardless of the level of sexual contact during the date. The best way to manage one’s own expectations early on is to keep things as neutral as possible. That’s why I believe it was best for friend to respond with a relatively neutral, “get back to me when you’re not as busy.” It would have put the ball back on his court and give her chance to process the date herself while managing expectations. His answer or lack or lack of an answer would tell her everything she needed to know about whether his enthusiastic text was genuine interest, post-date haze, lack of real interest, etc. Keeping the tone “neutral” until given a reason to do otherwise, usually help me keep the inevitable disappointment at bay.

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          • 40something Says:

            Oh I concur that one should keep expectations low. And honestly, tone via text is subject to interpretation. I dunno. Perhaps when she sent the text he *knew* she was sensing someone/something better came along and he didn’t want to deal with it but wanted to keep the door open. But if someone (regardless of gender) is “panicked” after “I sense something has changed” text (which tells me something similar has happened to her before), then the future for this R was bleak to non existent to begin with. They weren’t that into them.

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            • Parenting Says:

              Yes, whats so terrifying about “i sense something has changed”? It sounds like she was past the point of neutrality and wanted to pursue things. He obviously didnt. I agree that theres no loss here.

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