Beware The Guy Who Says He’s Not ~That Guy~

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Name: Lindsay
:
Question: Three weeks ago I was bored on vacation and decided to download tinder to meet some cute guys to party with or potentially hook up with. I ended up meeting this guy named Jon. At first glance I thought he was just another hockey boy with not much going up there. We got drunk and hooked up and it was the best time of my life (it’s not the first time I’ve hooked up with guys on vacation so that wasn’t the reason being). As our night continued we spilled our hearts to each other and shared our deepest secrets, thoughts and fears and we clicked like we had known each other all of our lives. We met up again two days later and I spent the day with him and his friends. Later on in the night we met up and attempted round two to which he couldn’t perform. He ended up leaving his friends and taking me to one of the hotel bars where he taught me to play pool and we laughed and danced and he bragged to his buddy bartender he met that week about how incredible and beautiful he thought I was. After a few more drinks he confessed to me that he couldn’t go through with the deed because he used to be that scummy guy who hooked up with women and broke hearts and at first our hook up was just that and then he started having feelings for me and wanted to keep me away from his friends who hadn’t gotten over that stage yet (he had a life changing experience that made him become more of a man a year prior). Although he is from a city 4 hours from me he moved to the other side of the country for work and doesn’t come home often anymore. I know he had an ex girlfriend who hurt him badly while he was away 6 months prior so he is afraid to do long distance. I have not contacted him since but think about him every day and all of the kind things he said to me and the moments we shared and how he helped me realize I deserve so much from the right person. It hurts me that I can’t let him go and truthfully I don’t want to because he’s had a lasting effect on me. What do I do?

Thank you,

Lindsay
Age: 26

 

I’m not really sure there’s anything you can do. The brutal reality of the situation is this guy doesn’t appear to have made any attempt to stay in touch with you. That and he totally has a girlfriend. A far more likely explanation as to why he isolated you from his friends is that they all know his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to risk looking like that scummy guy he swore he wasn’t. Oh, and his inability to perform? Drugs and booze. Since so many men associate masculinity with sexual performance, he didn’t want you to think there was anything wrong with him so he gave you some sob story about not wanting to be “that guy.” Only, he’s totally that guy.

As our night continued we spilled our hearts to each other and shared our deepest secrets, thoughts and fears and we clicked like we had known each other all of our lives.

Something very important to understand: it’s far easier to be emotionally intimate with someone when you know you’re never going to see them again. The experiences you just described happen in movies, not in real life. In real life, after the two lovers bare their souls to each other, they part ways and one of them sits by the phone waiting for a text that never comes. This guy didn’t open up to you because he felt this overwhelming comfort; he did it because he didn’t care what you thought and he enjoyed talking about himself.

After a few more drinks he confessed to me that he couldn’t go through with the deed because he used to be that scummy guy who hooked up with women and broke hearts and at first our hook up was just that and then he started having feelings for me

You know how I know this guy is scummy? Because he told you he used to be a scummy guy. No one genuine in their intentions is going to tell you they used to be a total trainwreck or awful. They’re going to keep that stuff from you until they feel safe. This guy told you he used to be a sleaze because he wanted you to feel special because he was embarrassed he couldn’t get it up or because he couldn’t go through with cheating on his girlfriend again.

As cynical as this sounds, when an encounter seems to good to be true, it usually is. He knew he would never see you again, so he was more open with you than if he was going to pass you in the hallway at work. That openness created a false sense of intimacy. That’s what you’re having  a hard time shaking.  What can you do? First, forget about this guy because you’re never going to hear from him again. Second, get back out there. Maybe don’t jump back onto to Tinder, but be social. I’m not at all suprised to hear you met this guy on Tinder while on vacation. That alone is a red flag that someone is just looking to get laid. Go to the gym, attend a book signing, try wine tasting. Get away from the apps and dating sites for awhile.

You’ve convinced yourself of a connection that doesn’t exist. That’s a hard truth to face, but an important one.

 

Thoughts?

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8 Responses to “Beware The Guy Who Says He’s Not ~That Guy~”

  1. ? Says:

    Interesting. It has been shown through experiments that “love” could be induced through forced or circumstantial intimacy. In other words, if you found youself in situations where you were emotionally intimate with someone, you could end up feeling “love” for them. Like if you were made to stare into someone’s eyes for a long period of time, or if you had to share deep personal information with them. Or in warzones or places of tumult where you found yourself fighting for surivival alongside someone of the opposite gender, or if that person came to your aid and saved you from disaster.

    A very extreme example of this is where long lost relatives of the oppostie gender are reunited after many years of separation, and the ensuing sudden discovery of genetic closness gets distorted into “sexual love”, otherwise known as “Genetic sexual attraction”.

    It is good to be aware that this could totally happen, so you don’t end up feeling love for someone that is not based on shared values, interests and a shared life together.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

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  2. Selena Says:

    Agree with Moxie that a reformed scummy guy is not going to tell a woman he just met and is interested in that. He would just, you know, not be a scummy guy. And I wonder…wouldn’t a reformed scummy guy be on Tinder looking for local women to date, rather than women on vacation to hook-up with? I don’t know if this dude has a girlfriend, but hooking up with women who won’t be in town long might seem less risky for someone who wants to cheat.

    From the letter:
    “As our night continued we spilled our hearts to each other and shared our deepest secrets, thoughts and fears and we clicked like we had known each other all of our lives.”

    Yes and you also mentioned you were both drunk.

    Funny thing about alcohol – it can lower inhibitions, lead to over sharing, create a false (and temporary) sense of intimacy. The adult beverage industry does put that warning on the label.

    There is a philosophy that people come into our lives, however briefly, for a reason – to teach us something.

    From the letter:
    “I have not contacted him since but think about him every day and all of the kind things he said to me and the moments we shared and how he helped me realize I deserve so much from the right person.”

    Maybe that is lesson – you DO deserve so much, including emotional intimacy, from the right person. He wasn’t that person, but maybe he opened you up to finding the one who will be.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

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  3. Beta Male Says:

    He says he’s not that “scummy guy who hooks up with women,” yet he goes on vacation and hooked up with someone. Someone who is not that “scummy guy” would not hook up with someone while on vacation. People open up to strangers because it is easier and safer than doing so with someone you actually see on a regular basis and who might just be affected by the consequences of those confessions.

    There is nothing wrong with hooking up on vacation but accept it for what it is a hookup, nothing more, nothing less.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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  4. 40something Says:

    Oh my. Good feedback from the commenters. It’s sounds like the LW had a “rom com” moment. I think every experience (cheesy I know) can be a learning experience. Although, sometimes they may be painful.

    I dated a guy briefly who repeatedly told me what a “gentleman” he was. And he was perfectly polite…. until he kept pushing for a ménage trois with my friends. That just wasn’t for me but if that works for others, then that’s totally cool. Whenever, someone tries to “convince” you of what they are makes me a bit skeptical.

    Go meet some new folks and try to look at this as what it was-a brief, fun fling. Good luck!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

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    • Nia Says:

      Totally agree. Someone who says they’re a “gentleman” has no idea what that means, and is likely anything but.
      It’s like those slogan tee shirts about being so hot, how “your” boyfriend wants “me” and so on.
      If you have to announce it to a generally uninterested world, it’s likely not true.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

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  5. ann Says:

    The LW keeps saying “we”as in they were both having these feelings. People tend to do that when they hope the other person is having certain feelings just because they are having them.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

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  6. EANx Says:

    Look, everyone is entitled to hook-up if they want but it’s unrealistic to hook up with a random on Tinder, get feelings and wonder why things went south. It was a hookup.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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