Here’s Why Your Partner’s Sexual Past Doesn’t Matter

February 1st, 2018

Casual sex, NEW!, Sex

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Name: Janice
:
Question: I’m having a little bit of trouble dealing with my boyfriend’s sexual past. A part of me understand’s that I’m being immature and dwelling on something that shouldn’t matter, but at the same time I can’t seem to get this one incident out of my mind.

I was a virgin before I started dating my current boyfriend, and about 6 months into our relationship I felt like I was ready for sex (I was wrong). It wasn’t until then that his past was brought to my attention.

Before we started dating he had a one night stand with a cousin of a very close friend of mine. Though I don’t know her on a personal level we have been around each other several times. He claims it meant nothing and was a one time thing that happened after a night of drinking, and a few weeks after ending a long-term relationship. He said the sex was fueled by alcohol rather than attraction as she is not his type. I have a hard time believing any of this because I don’t see how sex can be meaningless, and I would assume to have sex with someone you just met the attraction or connection must be strong?

How immature am I being? And why shouldn’t something like the sexual past of a partner matter?
Age: 23

 

What you’re going through right now is the exact reason why you don’t ask the person you’re dating about their sexual history. You’re spinning out about something a) you can’t control  b) is really none of your business and c) not in any way related to your relationship with this guy.You don’t want to know who he was with before you because you’ll do what you’re doing now and will start comparing yourself to them and the relationship they had with your boyfriend. However you found out about this one-night stand, either cut that person off or stop stalking his social media. Seriously. Backaway from his Instagram page. You’ll drive yourself insane.

Sexual history is irrelevant. Stop listening to people who say that you need to know your partner’s “number.” You don’t. Don’t fall for the BS about how you need to know if they’re an STD infested whore. One partner or one hundred, it doesn’t matter. STD’s can be transmitted anytime two people have sex. All you need to know is someone’s status and when the last time was that they got tested. That’s it. That and practice safe sex.

Let’s nip something else in the bud: the number of partners someone has is not indicative of their self-esteem. If a person sleeps with two hundred people, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re emotionally broken inside. Many people like sex and they like to have it as often as possible. You have to block out the people insisting that you get all the gory details of your partner’s past. Those people are the ones with issues. They’re paranoid, insecure, or don’t trust people. Usually all three. They’re the ones that should give you pause, as their arguments are illogical for reasons I laid out above. Not only that but people lie. That’s the other reason this conversation is pointless. No matter what, you will never know if that person is telling you the truth, so why bother asking in the first place?

He said the sex was fueled by alcohol rather than attraction as she is not his type.

More than likely, he lied to make you feel better because he saw how upset you were.  He never should have been put in the position to explain himself in the first place. Why does it matter if he was attracted to a woman before he started dating you? Hon, hate to break it to you, but he’s still going to find other women attractive even while dating you. Either you trust him or you don’t. This is not on him. This is on you.

I don’t see how sex can be meaningless, and I would assume to have sex with someone you just met the attraction or connection must be strong?

Oh, honey. No. Especially if alcohol is involved. People have sex for all different reasons: to feel attractive; because they’re horny; they want revenge, etc. He got drunk and wanted to  get laid, so he did. Neither he nor the woman he slept with owe you a god damn thing. You’re feeling insecure about your lack of experience. That’s what has you wound so tight about this. You’re judging him for acting on an impulse you always believed was sacred in some way. It’s not your place to decide how people express their sexuality. Yes, you’re being immature about this, but don’t feel bad. I know forty year-olds who get all fucked up about their partner’s previous sexual partners. Better to get this out of your system now before you grow-up and become someone for whom every relationship is a self-fulfilling prophecy and fails thanks to your doubt and insecurity.

 

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11 Responses to “Here’s Why Your Partner’s Sexual Past Doesn’t Matter”

  1. KK Says:

    I really like your writing, but…damn. “One partner or one hundred, it doesn’t matter. STD’s can be transmitted anytime two people have sex.”

    Wtf? Yeah, a person can contract an STI any time they have sex, with any person. BUT, the more people a person has sex with, the higher the risk for infection is. For ALL STIs, a risk factor is number of sex partners.

    That being said, it doesn’t matter how many people your partner has had sex with. All that matters is if they have an STI. So get tested together.

    Also. People have sex for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes people have a lot of sex with a lot of people because they love sex. Sometimes they have sex because of low self-esteem. All that matters is what he is doing now though. Does he have low self-esteem now? If so, is that a deal-breaker?

    Reply

  2. Parenting Says:

    I’m curious why the OP is concerned about one ONS? Is it because she feels like she and her partner dont have the same values when it comes to sex? Is she worried that because the sex was meaningless with the friends cousin means that his relationship with the OP may also be meaningless? Is she worried that she cant trust him? Is this spinning out on a one night stand connected to her feeling that she wasnt ready to have sex in the first place? Something doesnt add up.

    Reply

    • Hailey Says:

      I’m thinking that since she was a virgin she feels, and has grown up with, the idea of sex is special and meaningful between two people. She waited to be with someone she trusted and assumed he felt the same way towards sex. Now she finds out that is not the case and doesn’t know how to wrap her brain around it. Inexperienced people have a harder time grasping casual sex because it’s not something they’ve done before, or feel comfortable with. She assumed he thought it was deep and meaningful too. He could have. She has a hard time dealing with the fact that two people (which includes her boyfriend) can freely have sex and not have a Harlequin Romance attached to it.

      Reply

  3. ? Says:

    Sorry, but I disagree that someone’s sexual history is none of my business. Sure, if I are having a casual fling or FWB kind of arrangement, my partner’s sexual hisotry is none of my business. BUT if I am going to get married to this person, involving a LEGAL partnership with serious financial and personal implications for my future, then their sexual hisotry is VERY MUCH MY business.

    Reply

  4. ATWYSingle Says:

    BUT if I am going to get married to this person, involving a LEGAL partnership with serious financial and personal implications for my future, then their sexual hisotry is VERY MUCH MY business.

    So, you don’t care about their sexual history when they have nothing invested in you and don’t care about your welfare, but you do care about their sexual history when you get a join bank account with them? Do I have that right?

    Sorry, but if you can’t discern someone’s character from everyday interactions and how they treat you, then maybe you shouldn’t be dating them in the first place. You shouldn’t be dating at all.

    Reply

    • Parenting Says:

      Well, she does have one point. She would want to know if she is about to marry a serial cheater. Im not sure theres much value in knowing whether your guy slept with 2 women, 20 women or 200 women or what kind of fetishes he indulged in the past. Relationship history is a better gauge for how your marriage is going to go.

      Reply

    • Selena Says:

      Or maybe she is realizing SHE doesn’t like this guy that much after all and is looking for a reason to end it. A rationalization so she doesn’t have feel guilty — being the “bad guy”.

      Saying they have “Different Values” might work. Until she dates the next guy who has a past.

      Or the next guy who questions HER past since she is not a virgin.

      Reply

  5. Yvonne Says:

    “A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It’s more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being “halfway between” sexual and asexual.”

    This sounds like it might describe the OP. And it’s definitely the antithesis of someone who might have a one night stand.

    Reply

  6. coffeestop Says:

    I think it can matter depending on the sexual behavior. I dated a man who unprompted told me about some examples when he cheated on partners, in all the examples the relationship was problematic which in his mind justified it. What I heard though was if we ever had issues that made him uncomfortable rather than try and resolve them he would cheat. It was hard for me to see him the same after and we broke up for unrelated reasons but I can’t say it was not in the back of my mind when I ended things.

    Reply

  7. Zaire Says:

    I was in the OPs situation with an LTR and I just never asked. Given little things from his dating history I could peice together he was very…experienced shall we say. I liked him but I knew it would kind of gross me out to know so I never asked and that was he perfect strategy. As for OP if you like/love him you have to get over it. Simple as.

    Also I agree with Moxie that count ultimately doesn’t matter. I have a low count and happen to be an enthusiast and giving lover. Unfortunately people do take it into account when evaluating romatic partners. Yeah it’s illogical but relationships aren’t about logic, they’re about feelings. So even though OP is being a little illogical she’s not necessarily wrong for feeling the way she does.

    Reply

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