It’s Not Dating That Sucks, It’s You

It’s been eons since I took the time to read or listen to anything dating-related. Sorry, folks, but there simply isn’t anything else left to say. Spare me your new cutesy terms like lovebombing and breadcrumbing. They’re not origional or unique, they’re just new names for old terms.  We’re stuck in this weird limbo right now, where everything is changing but nothing is changing. It’s Dante’s Dating Inferno. (TM me.) I can’t tell you the last time I swiped or clicked. I get messages on OKCupid and ignore them. I just don’t care anymore.

That all said, I decided to listen to a podcast yesterday called Dating Kinda Sucks (super original). There’s a ton of problematic shit being discussed, like sterotypes about Asian men and casual distribution of dick pic’s without the man’s consent. (Note: if they were pics the women received without granting consent, then fuck those guys.)

Look, I am not above being a total asshole and mocking my dates. I didn’t wind up 49 and single by happenstance. I spent a fair amount of years running to this very blog to put men on blast for having the audacity to reject me or not be totally, utterly perfect. How dare they. So, kids, let that be a cautionary tale about blogging about your love life. I can’t believe people still do it, quite frankly.

As to this podcast…

Look, the days of mocking dates online are fucking over. O-V-E-R. Over.  It’s just not funny any more. Not only that, it’s not interesting.  Oh, you went on a date and the person looked nothing like their photo?

I had a whole rant typed out and ready to go, then deleted it.  I will say that the male co-host gives off the “girl’s guy” vibe. You know, that guy who has an overage of female friends? Yeah. THAT guy.  The amount of humblebragging he does was insufferable. (“My ex-wife constantly whines to her new boyfriends about how awesome I was!”) (15:00)

Let’s also address the complete idiocy of these two for being shell-shocked that their date might see a snarky comment they wrote about them on the internet.(11:04 and 13:28 in the podcast.) If you don’t know by now that – once they get your name – your dates are zipping over to every social media platform possible and looking you up, you’re a fucking idiot.  The glee the male co-host exhibits talking about his date finding his cruel comment about her face is fucking enraging. (10:57)  Post about that shit all you like, kids, just don’t act offended or shocked when your date sees your obnoxious commentary and blows you off.

Then there’s the whole bit about how, if you post old photos of yourself, you’re “lying.” (11:07) Yes, Sarah, I’m sure it did feel like a gigantic let down that the hot guy you saw in photos was much heavier in person.   Poor you. I hope you were able to make it through without any emotional scarring. (To her credit, she acknowledges that she ignored the glaring red flag that he only posted photos from the shoulders up.) We’ve all been there and – YES – it’s infuriating, but it’s not done with malicious intent. Just the opposte. If you don’t see that, then you’re seriously lacking the capacity for empathy.

Earlier in the podcast,  the male co-host regales the audience with a story about how his date told him “she was born without teeth” (ps, we all were)  and all her teeth were implants. When pressed by Sarah as to whether her teeth were bad, his complaint was that they weren’t white enough. He felt she was “too honest” in this instance. (I legit don’t know what he’s complaining about. I honestly think he just gets off on putting women down, but I digress.) From what he said, it sounded like this woman and I had the same medical condition growing up. My adult teeth didn’t grow in properly because I’d been pumped with tetracycline as a child. Even with all the expensive dental work my father provided for me, I spent my whole life in and out of dentist chairs and being ashamed of my teeth. I would walk into every date nervous they’d take one look at my janky lower row of teeth and bolt. I was mortified on behalf of the woman in the story because I’m sure she had those very same fears.  That would explain why she felt compelled to tell the story of why she had a mouth full of fake teeth. She knew her teeth weren’t perfect and wanted to explain why, hoping a man might give her a chance. That’s all she wanted, you sniveling cunt rag: a chance.

It should be understood that anything you write or say online will be seen or heard by your date. It doesn’t matter that you blocked them or if your Instastory automatically deletes itself after 24 hours. They. Will. See. It. They’ll read your blog and think you’re an awful human being.  You have to understand: you don’t have to say anything about your date to offend them. They’ll look you up on Twitter/Instagram and see the amount of selfies you post or read your cruel takedowns of your dates. You will be judged on the entirety of your online persona. Remember that.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ve gotten soft in my old age or maybe I am so fatigued by how ugly things in this country has become. Why is it so hard for people to put themselves in the shoes of someone else? It’s like the thought has never even occured to them. Before you hit Publish, stop for a second and ask yourself how you would feel if someone you liked wrote that stuff about you. Also ask yourself how what you’re about to publish to the internet for eternity is going to reflect on you. Think of them first; then think of yourself.

Know this:

People lie because they know how shallow our society is.

They lie because they’re lonely.

They lie because they just want someone to look past their “flaws” and see them for who they really are: a kind-hearted, loving person who just wants their chance at love like everyone else.

They lie because they just want their turn to come.

If it makes you feel better to vent your frustration at their expense, even though they didn’t do anything ostensibly wrong, you’re uglier than you think they are.

 

 

Thoughts?

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37 Responses to “It’s Not Dating That Sucks, It’s You”

  1. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    You are literally holding events where the entire premise is to write and share stories about bad (and good) dates.

    Reply

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Yes, IN PERSON events where people can write their story on a piece of paper, read it, and throw it away, not post it on the internet. Do you really not see the distinction between that and running to social media to write something mean-spirited with the near 100% chance that person will see it? Seriously? Where in the description does it encourage people to show up and write scathing criticisms of their dates?

      Reply

  2. Bluegrass Says:

    I appreciate your empathy, Moxie. As someone who’s dating photos are often from the shoulders up or waist up, I can say that I want to be honest (my photos are current), but I also want to put my best foot forward. One thing a lot of attractive people may not appreciate about less attractive people is that they don’t get a lot of dates with people who they wanna date.

    A pleasant date, even if it doesn’t lead to sex, can be a big ego boost. This is because it makes the less attractive person feel like they’re making an effort, and they can spin the date into stories to tell their friends and make it seem like they live a full life.

    So, assuming a person was reasonably forthcoming with accurate information, just see going on a date with someone who turns out to have not shown all the important parts of their body as charity work. It’s a good deed, and it helps everyone have some fun.

    Reply

    • dina Says:

      @ Bluegrass… I think your request for charity is unfair. They didn’t sign up for charity. They signed up with different expectations. Did you tell them in advance it would be an act of charity? I’m sure you didn’t. And not everyone goes on dates with people they want to necessarily date – attractive or less attractive. By seeking someone attractive when you yourself may not be, it’s kind of like using them… so maybe you can get that ego boost you mentioned, and then tell your friends about it. I get it. But it’s shallow too. And as you “spinning the date into stories to tell their friends and make it seem like they live a full life” isn’t cool either. It’s kind of pathetic. It is what it is. Do you not think people don’t see through that?

      And putting your best foot forward does not include lying or misrepresenting yourself. Doing that says the real you is much less than who you say you are. And that speaks to being insecure. We are all insecure about something. No reason to lie in the process. Think how terrible you’re gonna feel when you get called out on it.

      Good luck.

      Reply

      • Bluegrass Says:

        Well, I think I’m pretty honest in my pictures but I also want to put my best foot forward. If you had a club foot and you didn’t include a photo of it, would that be dishonest? I don’t think so. Also, with the charity thing, that’s something you can think of the date after the fact. I’m not saying you should go on dates where you know beforehand that it’s going to be charity.

        Anyway, good luck to you too. Sometimes I worry about being single my whole life. I try to remember that being single as an adult is a privilege, as in many poorer times and places people were either made to marry or had to in order to live above the poverty line. Being single is relatively okay today.

        Reply

        • Parenting Says:

          What you are describing is akin to my friend having all of his underwear stolen from a hotel drier and deciding after the fact that the theif probably needed them more than he did. Thats not really charity. No one likes to be fooled.

          I agree hat you should put your best foot forward but if you are doctoring your presentation to the point of dishonesty, you are going to significantly increase your failure rate. You are better off laying your cards on the table and playing up your best features.

          Reply

          • Ruth Says:

            I mean this would work if everyone was actually honest, but they aren’t. Everyone “omits” things or makes it look better than it actually is, even the attractive people. It’s really only unattractive people we have a go at for not being crystal clear, which is a bit of a bullshit to be honest, cus if someone isn’t showing pictures of their body or the photo looks older, it’s the most obvious “lie” there is. There’s always going to be something that puts people off others in a date, and if you don’t even get the date in the first place, you don’t have any chance. I’m not even including me in this as I’m a young somewhat attractive women, but I know people are willing to strike off people online (or talk online) different to how they would if they met in person. There’s just a group of people that aren’t going to get a chance at all online unless they fudge things a bit. If you don’t great! But don’t imply that these people are going to be more sucessful by being honest, real people don’t really work that way.

            Reply

            • Parenting Says:

              They wont be more successful, but they will likely face less rejection and consequently may feel less down about their outlook.

              Theres fudging and then theres fudging. Sure, say you are 39 when you are 40. Dont mention your recent bankruptsy in your profile. No harm no foul. However if you omit a decade and a half off your age or omit the fact that you are currently serving a 20 year prison term, things are unlikely to turn out well.

              Reply

          • Bluegrass Says:

            I agree that the charity thing is rationalized after the fact. But no one, not even models, represent themselves fully in their dating profiles. In your underwear example, it’s more like people stole each other’s underwear, and the attractive person ended up with less nice underwear than the unattractive person.

            In general, for me, a good faith attempt at honesty is to use a reasonably current face pic. That’s it. Then, the person can ask for more pictures. If they don’t, then a good rule of thumb is to assume the guy is built like the Pillsbury Doughboy, and decide if you want to go out with them. I don’t really see where the misrepresentation is.

            Reply

            • Parenting Says:

              I didnt say anything about being 100% honest in laying every negative aspect of yourself out there for inspection. What I said (or intended to say) is that theres a spectrum of honesty and on that spectrum is a point of diminishing returns.

              Reply

  3. fuzzilla Says:

    I get blasting someone for being rude, but for their looks not being up to your standards? Just makes you seem like a dick. And even if they’re rude and you’re justifiably pissed, you’re better off just moving on and forgetting they ever existed. At the very least, vent to a curated audience, not every last person on the Internet.

    Reply

  4. Ben Iyyar Says:

    Dating is a very serious affair, and one of the biggest problems is that most of us will not favorably react to most of the people we are going to meet/date just as, and I know this is unbelievable, most of the people who are going to date us are not going to like us especially or react favorably to us. That is how we are,most of us have a couple of real friends even though we may meet literally dozens of new people every week. Each first date I went on, I hoped would be the ONE and of course I was disappointed when even after a few dates, the marriage spark just wasn’t there for me, and sadly most of the time for the women I was with. After I grew up, I met my future wife and lived mostly, happily ever after. Now I have four son’s all of whom work hard, have girlfriends, but are still sort of looking, but they all want to marry a feminine woman who will be loyal,loving, and caring for them as they will treat their wives with the same love, loyalty, and courtesy. They know that most of the women they meet are not for them, as most of the women they meet will feel the same, so really all they can do is try, go out, meet people, try Internet dating etc and remember, just as they are not perfect, they are being unfair if they expect their partner to be the perfect one, no matter how hard they try. My son’s want to marry a sweet woman, raise a loving and happy family, and live and enjoy a long and happy married life. But like all single men and women looking for a spouse, it means going out and taking a chance on rejection but knowing that they have to kiss a lot of frogs before you kiss the right one. Good luck and God bless you

    Reply

    • Nia Says:

      What really stuck out to me here is two things:

      Your sons have girlfriends but are still sort of looking? Is their definition of “girlfriend” really relaxed? I would be extremely angry and hurt to the point of dumping my guy if he was “still sort of looking” while calling me his girlfriend. What are they doing with a woman who doesn’t meet their requirements if they’re sure they want to get married? Not. Cool.

      Men: please don’t waste women’s time. If you’re “still looking” while dating a woman you call your girlfriend, please just do her a favor and break up with her and be *single* and do your “looking.”

      What is a “feminine” woman? Could this be why the sons are “still looking”? Are you part of a conservative or fundamentalist religious group? Not asking to be snarky! Because the terminology and focus on marriage and “feminine” women (does that mean looks, wanting to be a SAHM, gender role—what does it mean to be “feminine” in 2018? And more importantly, who decides? I think I’m very womanly, but I don’t have kids, I don’t wear skirts much, and I have short hair.) leads me to believe that your sons might be fishing from a very small dating pool.

      If your sons want a “loyal” woman, I suggest they model that behavior themselves.

      Reply

      • fuzzilla Says:

        I mean, if you changed the word “girlfriend” to “dating,” I wouldn’t have a problem with what he said. When you’re dating, it’s true, most people won’t be what you’re looking for.

        But yeah, majorly uncool to have a consistent person in your life that you call a girlfriend and “still be sort of looking.” AND make it sound like the sons’ disloyal behavior is the women’s fault for “not being feminine enough.” WTF?? You want loyalty, you offer loyalty.

        Reply

      • fuzzilla Says:

        Yeah, he says the sons have girlfriends and then says “like all single people” – like, huh? Which is it?

        Reply

    • Sheba Says:

      What do your sons define as “feminine”? And why are they wasting these women’s time?

      Reply

    • Parenting Says:

      Ben posts here from time to time. I dont think he means that all of his sons have girlfriends but are actively pursuing other women who are more feminine. He could just mean that while they have had long term relationships, they have not yet found someone they have decided to marry.

      Reply

  5. Ben Iyyar Says:

    I genuinely hate to say this but judging by the ridiculous and insulting responses to my remarks, by women, explains to me why my son’s and their friends are reluctant to engage in relationships, short or long or marital. I am not saying my son’s of any person is perfect or close to it, but men in general are not marrying, not getting involved in long or short term relationships. There are reasons for both men and women for this, but look at the ugly responses to what I wrote, these are modern educated women who seem to dislike and distrust men. Women finding fault with men, common and just about the worst way for them to find a partner.

    Reply

    • fuzzilla Says:

      If they have girlfriends (which is what you said), then they are by definition in relationships. If they are not putting their all into their relationships, that’s on them. No one was “being ugly,” people were confused because your comment was genuinely confusing. What’s ugly is lashing out at others rather than just owning or clarifying what you said.

      Reply

      • Parenting Says:

        I think Ben was trying to offer encouragement and was not expecting his comment to be taken as insulting and scrutinized.

        Reply

        • fuzzilla Says:

          He had an opportunity to clarify what he meant, but instead he shit on women. I understand that he can’t control his sons’ behavior and no one is perfect, but if their behavior is to cheat on their girlfriends, then just admit that *their* behavior is to blame for their situation, rather than going on and on about how “unfeminine” women are these days. If they’re not actually in relationships but just dating, then simply say that that’s the case.

          Reply

        • Selena Says:

          @ Parenting:

          I’ve read occasional posts from Ben I. over the years, and my impression was also that his son’s have had girlfriends, but so far not marriages. Not uncommon in this era.

          His use of the word *feminine* though… what does he mean by that? By what measure are the women his sons’ date not feminine enough? By their standards? Or by his?

          If he is going to throw that word out there, why not explain what he means by it?

          Reply

          • Parenting Says:

            He didnt say the women his sons date are “not feminine enough”. He used the word feminine once. Here is what he said his sons are looking for:

            “…they want to marry a feminine women who will be loyal, loving and caring…my sons want to marry a sweet woman, raise a loving and happy family…and enjoy a long and happy married life.”

            He didnt say anything negative at all about the women his sons are dating. He simply listed the general traits his boys look for in a partner. And although they arent looking for anything all that remarkable, the nature of dating is that it is hard to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

            I think folks just latched on to this idea that his sons are cheating on girlfriends who are not feminine enough, but thats not what he is saying.

            Reply

            • fuzzilla Says:

              **I think folks just latched on to this idea that his sons are cheating on girlfriends who are not feminine enough, but thats not what he is saying.**

              Yes, that’s exactly what happened. But rather than clarify what he actually DID mean, he just lashed out at the female commenters for being “unfeminine” and saying no wonder we’re single (p.s., I’m not).

              Reply

              • Parenting Says:

                I agree. Knee jerk reaction on both sides.

                Reply

                • fuzzilla Says:

                  If you thought he was rude, then why are you defending him?

                  Reply

                  • Parenting Says:

                    I’m defending him because all the posts I’ve seen from him were kind and encouraging including this last one (excluding his come back). He was not asked to “kindly clarify his position”. He was effectively called a misogynist and his sons womanizers. Do you expect his response to be anything but defensive? But I also understand your and Sheba’s position. If I had understood his comment to be a misogynistic diatribe, I would have had the same reaction.

                    Anyway, long and unrelated side note to the blog topic.

                    Reply

        • Sheba Says:

          I find that men who complain that women are “unfeminine” when they object to being treated like shit do not usually expect their comments to be scrutinised.

          Reply

          • Parenting Says:

            If I asked what you look for in a man and you said, “I like smart, kind, attractive, career oriented men”, would you be a bit taken aback if my response to you was “So, you treated all your exes like shit because they werent successful enough for you?”

            Reply

            • Sheba Says:

              Probably, but largely because I would suspect you were trying to make a point and I cannot for my life understand what it is.

              Reply

            • fuzzilla Says:

              If Sheba said, “Well, I have a boyfriend, but I’m still looking” then yes, you probably would conclude she treated him like shit. Or that the relationship wasn’t very serious. So you might give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her to clarify what she meant. If her response was, “How dare you be so ugly to me?” your response would be….?

              Reply

              • Sheba Says:

                And if I were to then blame “modern educated men who seem to dislike and distrust women. Men finding fault with women, common and just about the worst way for them to find a partner” when people asked me to clarify my meaning? That would be acceptable?

                Reply

                • Sheba Says:

                  That was meant as a response to Parenting, in addition to fuzzilla’s reply.

                  There is only one attitude that’s ugly in the exchange and it’s not the women.

                  Reply

                  • Parenting Says:

                    Its a matter of opinion. Ben offered his sons as an example in a civil discussion and he was asked if his sons are womanizers and if he is a “fundamentalist” hung up on feminity. Thats not very polite and he responded in kind, I agree.

                    It was a misunderstanding and everyone got defensive.

                    Reply

                    • fuzzilla Says:

                      Most guys are very careful not to use the word “girlfriend” if they know they’re not serious about a woman. They’ll say, “not looking for anything serious” or “I’m not into labels” or whatever. No, women don’t love hearing that, but they *really* get pissed when you use the formal labels but don’t mean it. Just say what you mean and politely clarify if asked to do so. It’s really not that difficult.

                    • Sheba Says:

                      “judging by the ridiculous and insulting responses to my remarks, by women, explains to me why my son’s and their friends are reluctant to engage in relationships….modern educated women who seem to dislike and distrust men. Women finding fault with men, common and just about the worst way for them to find a partner.”

                      Nothing to misunderstand. He was asked to clarify a couple of points that, as they stood, made him and his sons sound a bit twatty. He responded by accusing us (actually women in general) of hating men, being responsible for his sons’ relationship issues and being crap at finding relationships in general.

                      And he thinks women have the bad attitude!

    • Sheba Says:

      So your sons’ bad behaviour is our fault? As is your excusing of it?

      Would it make us unfeminine to object to that?

      Reply

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