Is He Arrogant Or Just a Huge F*cking Racist?

racist

Name: Charlotte

Question: Dear Moxie,
I went out on a date the other night with a guy I met online. His profile included a link to a YouTube video that was him explaining why he is a catch. It was five minutes of him humble bragging about his academic and career accomplishments. He also bragged about his attributes such as “compassionate” as “raised to be a gentleman.” After our date, I googled his name and found a website he created. One of the categories on the site is called “dream girl”. On this page is a long list of traits his ideal woman would possess. He says that “although I have met many Asian women that I like, I prefer to date my own race.” We are both Caucasian so that is not an issue, but I was kind of shocked he would publish that. He seemed like such a nice guy on the date. I don’t know what to think of a guy who make a video and a website advertising himself. I’ve never seen this before. What are your thoughts on men who do this? Thank you
Age: 28

 

It was five minutes of him humble bragging about his academic and career accomplishments.

Okay, but that’s what most people’s dating profiles are like, so who cares? The only difference between a dating profile and a video is that the former is a one-dimensional representation and the latter is a two dimensional representation. Don’t we all brag in our profiles? Isn’t that the point, to sell ourselves in the most flattering way possible? Granted, he’s taking things to the next level, but many dating sites now include a video option where users can upload a recording of themselves telling potential matches why they’re such a catch. The guy isn’t doing anything wrong, per se. He might just be trying to stand out. I think the important clue here is that you saw this video where he was “humble bragging” and you went out with him anyway.

After our date, I googled his name and found a website he created. One of the categories on the site is called “dream girl”. On this page is a long list of traits his ideal woman would possess.

Again, we do this on our dating profiles, too. The issue you’re having isn’t with what he’s saying, but where he’s saying it.It’s kind of like when people used to get pissed at me for snarking on writers at The Frisky or xoJane, but would fill their twitter stream with snarky commentary about a podcast they watched or the latest episode of The Bachelor. Social media is for “sharing.” When they say critical things on social media, they’re “sharing.” However, if the criticism is delivered in the comments of an article or in a blog post, suddenly that person is considered bitchy and critical and omigod so obsessed. It’s not the content that is in question, it’s the platform on which it is being said with which people take issue.

We live in a society where people are encouraged to share their every thought and emotion via social media. We are all brands now. Personas. Many people (including me) have personal sites where they display their projects and credits. They’re called vanity sites for a reason. People create sites to promote themselves all the time. Usually, that person is looking for publicity of some kind. That or they’re have such a bitch of time finding someone they’ve decided it was time to pull out the big guns. Giant. Red. Flag. You have to ask yourself why someone needs to go to such lengths given all the apps and sites available designed to help people get dates.

All of that said, would I date someone who took things to this level? Probably not. Show, don’t tell.  If you have to tell me you’re funny, you’re not funny. If you have to tell me you’re smart, you’re not smart. Or, at the very least, you’re not as smart as you think.  Someone who is intelligent will sound intelligent in their profile. They will sound interesting based on the scenarios and examples they present. If you look at my Instagram, you’ll probably learn that I:

  • Like wine
  • Work out frequently
  • Am kind of bitchy
  • Love animals, specifically special needs dogs
  • Run a business
  • Can be introspective
  • Am a writer

These are all aspects of my personality/lifestyle that come through in my photos. I don’t have to tell people I’m big into working-out or love dogs. It’s obvious.  If this guy has to go to such lengths to explain himself and who he’s looking for, there’s a reason. That reason is probably that either he’s in love with the sound of his own voice or his personality is seriously lacking. The casual racism doesn’t help, either.

On this page is a long list of traits his ideal woman would possess. He says that “although I have met many Asian women that I like, I prefer to date my own race.” We are both Caucasian so that is not an issue, but I was kind of shocked he would publish that.

And I’m kind of shocked you would say that his admission “wasn’t an issue” because you’re both Caucasian. It should be an issue because both that statement and line of thinking are inherently racist. That he would say something so ignorant publicly is evidence the guy has no situational awareness and is socially tone-deaf. Oh, AND THAT HE’S RACIST. Even the wording of that statement is chill-inducing. Out of everything this guy has published, this should be the most concerning. For that reason alone, I’d stay away from him

 

 

 

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74 Responses to “Is He Arrogant Or Just a Huge F*cking Racist?”

  1. Kevin Says:

    OK Cupid has a question: Would your strongly prefer to date someone of your own race/ color? And you can answer yes or no. Are you saying (well you actually said it) that someone with his “line of thinking” ie who prefers to date someone of a certain race (their own race included) is inherently a “racist”? I disagree.

    Reply

  2. ATWYSingle Says:

    I disagree.

    I’m going to assume you’re white?

    OKCupid has that and many other questions that could be considered trick questions. Take, for example, the queastion about whether or not someone being even slightly overweight is a dealbreaker. If a person answers yes, what they’re revealing their shallow nature. If a person can’t look past an extra ten or twenty pounds, they’re shallow. Period. If a person can’t look past someone’s race and see beauty or feel attraction, they’re racist. Period. White people are conditioned to only find other white people attractive. For a reason.

    And before anyone starts in with, “But I know Jewish/black people who will only date Jewish/black people!” those two siutations are not the same as a white person only willing to date white people. The former has more to do with wanting to carry on traditions and continue a bloodline after years and years of oppression and murder. If 6 million of your ancestors were murdered in a mass genocide or were kept as slaves, you might feel the same way.

    Reply

    • UWSGal Says:

      So basically what you are saying is that anybody who has their favorite “type” as far as appearances is racist, correct? Because you can’t separate one from the other. The off label overuse of the terms “racist” and “fascist” in the modern america is truly astonishing. The new definition of these words seems to be “anybody who disagrees with my ultra left politics”.

      Reply

      • Nia Says:

        I think there’s a huge difference between “I prefer this type” (so, let’s say blonde Viking type dudes, which is white) and “I *refuse* to date/consider anyone of another race). To be frank, I tend to be more drawn to Caucasians. But would I *consider* other races? Sure. I’ve dated Asians, Indians, Native Americans, etc.
        I think the solution here is that it’s okay to “prefer” on a gut, instinctual level, a certain “look” or “type”.

        But broadcasting that in some weird “hey, it’s just us white folks, it’s okay to say this, right?” way—that’s gross and racist.

        Have you met every single available man of every race? Until then, you can’t definitively say you won’t/wouldn’t date someone outside your race.

        Reply

        • UWSGal Says:

          “Have you met every single available man of every race? Until then, you can’t definitively say you won’t/wouldn’t date someone outside your race.”

          Uhm.. yeah, you sort of can. If you tried a mango and didn’t like it, can you definitively say you don’t like mangoes, or do you have to try all available mangoes everywhere in the world?? What does that even mean.

          Most grown ups have definitive preferences for body type/look. Men more so than women but women have it too for sure. I don’t have an affirmative action equal opportunity vagina, thank you very much. I get to say who is allowed in and the only criteria is that i need to want them (e.g. them be my type)

          Reply

          • Parenting Says:

            Hate to say it but I kind of agree with this. When I was in my 20s I tried dating younger men and just never found them attractive enough for things to go past a makeout session no matter how perfect they were. I also rejected people who were significantly less accomplished then me. Is it ok to be agist and elitist?

            As a disclaimer, I think the “I’ve tried Asians but likes my whities” guy is disgusting. You can have your personal preferences without being a pig and belittling the people who dont get you hard enough.

            Reply

    • BTownGirl Says:

      Concerns about interfaith dating/marriage are actually a bit more complex than that in the Jewish community. While your intentions are no doubt good, please allow us to speak for ourselves on issues like the complexities of intermarriage/what constitutes a “derogatory” term/etc. These are issues that directly effect our lives and it’s really important right now that what’s put out there about Jewish life is accurate. If you’re interested in learning more, https://www.chabad.org/ is a great resource.

      Reply

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        While your intentions are no doubt good, please allow us to speak for ourselves on issues like the complexities of intermarriage/what constitutes a “derogatory” term/etc.

        You’re one of the few Jewish people I know that don’t find the term “Jew” offensive. Many other Jewish people I know do, so I’m not sure you’re much of a barometer. Also, in that post, I didn’t say Jewish people found it derogatory. I said *I* did. I don’t like it, so I don’t use it. You don’t get to decide how I interpret certain words.

        Thanks for the link tho.

        Reply

        • BTownGirl Says:

          Like I said, it depends on who is saying it and the context. Our Rabbi refers to us as Jews in a Temple, but maybe he has it wrong too? In any event, thanks so much, with your zero years of practicing Judaism, for telling me I don’t understand my own faith. If anyone’s entitled to speak about these issues, it’s definitely you and not me.

          Reply

        • BTownGirl Says:

          P.s. What your the “Jewish people you know” are probably referring to is terms like the following abridged list of insults that have actually been lobbed at me, which you wouldn’t have a clue how it feels to be on the receiving end of…they are dirty Jew, cheap Jew, and, of course the tried and true spoiled Jew Bitch and Jew slut. So please don’t tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about and that I don’t have a right to point out the difference between that and “my neighbor Bob is a Russian Jew and invited us for Passover.” You can dislike a term as much as you like, but you don’t get to speak for me either.

          Reply

  3. Jack Says:

    Honestly, if that statement is “racist” then the word “racist” has lost all meaning. “racist” is believing, for example, that black people shouldn’t be able to go to white schools or eat at white restaurants. Your own personal preferences on who you date is not “racist”. I, personally, am very rarely attracted to Asian women myself. It doesn’t make me “racist”. If I was an employer and had a policy against hiring Asians, that would make me “racist”.

    The guy sounds pretty douchey but he isn’t “racist”.

    Reply

    • Nia Says:

      But why does he feel the need to publicly say he won’t date Asian women? Why not just politely turn them down and go on his merry way? There’s something “off” about this declaration. It may not be “racist” in the true, dictionary definition of the word. How about “prejudiced”? He’s very clearly “pre-judging” women he *hasn’t even met* by their race? I’d say that about covers it!

      Reply

      • Selena Says:

        What if he had said he had met many women of all ethnic groups he liked, but preferred Asians?

        Does having a preference for people outside one’s own race make one a racist?

        Preferences are preferences – something we often don’t have control over.

        If this guy is going to advertise himself he could benefit by having an editor.

        Reply

      • Parenting Says:

        I’d just call him a douche bag. I dont think its so different from the douchebags who have told me that dating women over 125 pounds is “not fun” or bragged about how much they like big breasted women.

        Reply

        • Selena Says:

          Or people (both genders) who prefer to date those younger than themselves because they are convinced they look/act/are more active than people who are their age? ;-)

          Reply

          • Parenting Says:

            Hahaha. Yes, we are old but they are “youthful”.

            In all honesty i think preferences are fine. If they want to date younger, have at it. Just dont project your preferences onto me and the rest of the world. Have enough awareness to know that hearing “this is not going to work between you and me” is different from hearing “im not attracted to your kind”.

            Reply

    • UWSGal Says:

      I agree completely. The word “racist” has lost its meaning in many corners. I am white and I am only attracted to white men, and even within that I have my “type” – I like big boned, bulky guys, skinny metros just don’t do it for me. Is it because the society has conditioned us with white standards of beauty? Possibly. Imprinting? Most likely. Does this mean I am should date people I am not attracted to as some sort of affirmative action? GTFO

      Reply

  4. sarah Says:

    Let’s go back to the source material, shall we?

    “[A]lthough I have met many Asian women that I like, I prefer to date my own race.”

    ^ THIS IS SUPER FUCKING RACIST, YOU GUYS. ^ The only way to make this statement more clearly racist is to put it on Bill O’Reilly’s teleprompter so he can say it. Not only is he fetishizing Asian women, he’s expressing a strong preference for white women. Why? Because he finds white women the most attractive. Why? BECAUSE HE’S RACIST. When your preferences exclude entire races of people — that’s racist. When you can’t see past someone’s race — that’s racist. Simple, right?

    No more unpacking required. He’s told us who he is. We’re not talking about “anybody who has their favorite ‘type,'” or Kevin, or Jack, or UWSGal, who all appear to be warming up for the BUTWHATABOUT Olympics. We’re talking about the racist who just told us that he’s a racist. He’s also an entitled blowhard, so we don’t need to put him in any one box. He’s multifaceted. And a racist.

    Reply

    • Jack Says:

      The vast majority of white men prefer to date white women, for whatever reason. (many white guys with yellow fever aren’t capable of snagging a hot white girl, to be honest.) So it seems like to you, the vast majority of white men are racist, as well as any Asian men who prefer Asian women, black men who prefer sistas, etc. So yeah, the word has lost all meaning.

      Reply

    • Melissa Says:

      If you’re attracted to people of your own race and that’s your dating preference I don’t see any reason to browbeat yourself or be pressured into doing so because of the loud shame-throwers on social media simply because that happens to be very fashionable and popular right now.

      Reply

  5. ATWYSingle Says:

    Here’s how I know – definitively – that what he said is racist: I’ve actually made similar comments in the past such as, “I predominately date white guys” and the tried and true “I don’t typically date black men” and had people of color say, “That’s racist.” So, super cool that all you white people don’t find what he said racist. Too bad your opinion on the subject doesn’t matter.

    My resistence to dating men of color was internalized racism. I was raised in a mostly white environment at a time when interacial dating was not advised. My hometown hated Italians, FFS. You can imagine how they felt about other races. Those racist messages stayed with me and formed my choices, hence internalized racism.

    It’s just mind-boggling to me that someone would find only white people attractive. You can’t tell em there isn’t something racist at work that prevents you from finding other races attractive.

    Reply

    • Yvonee Says:

      Agreed. There’s a difference between being attracted to big-boned, husky guys and saying you’ll only date big, husky men who are white. Saying you don’t find an entire race of people attractive when the only thing they have in common is race, is racist. Making an announcement that you will not date Asians is racist.

      The reason that the OP wrote in is because she liked the guy on the date. However, his public persona reveals him to be not so nice and not so open-minded, and quite vocal about his prejudices.

      Reply

      • Nia Says:

        Agree. And people who are acting like they can’t differentiate between “my lady bits want what they want!” and “I won’t even consider anyone of any other race but mine, which happens to be white” or “I’ve looked at 200 black guys in my life and am *sure* I will never, ever be attracted to one, so there” are being disingenuous in the extreme. It’s gross.
        And for the record, racism does not exist in some kind of moral vacuum, where the dictionary definition is the only possible interpretation. *Can* minorities technically be racist? Sure.
        But to act like “racism is racism no matter who says it!!” is also disingenuous. Racism and prejudice are inexorably intertwined with history, sociology, and have context.

        For a white person to insist that they have “tried one mango” and “know they don’t like all mangos” in reference to people of color (nice job dehumanizing people, by the way!) carries a different weight due to the context.

        Reply

    • BobsYourUncle Says:

      Ah No! If racism/racist/etc. are going to have meaning they need to have objective meaning. Maybe what you said was racist but it was not racist merely because a person of X group said it was. Like if I point to a chicken and call it an elephant. You can say “no that’s a chicken because xyz”.

      The guy is a douche, no argument here. Fact he needed to make the comment is douchey at best. As another commenter said, why not just keep silent and ignore those for whom he does not fancy?

      But devil’s advocate here. There is a big difference between not finding some people sexually attractive and not finding them attractive. Maybe he is a racist, or maybe he means (and only giving him this for the sake of argument) that he is not sexually attracted to anyone but white women. Take me, I’m not sexually attracted to Penelope Cruz. She does nothing for me. But I objectively know she is attractive. Or am I bigoted against skinny white Spanish women?

      Just because you never date members of group X does not make you a racist against group X. Saying/thinking awful things as to why you don’t, well that makes you a racist. For example I can personally perceive that some men are attractive, but I’d never date them because I’m not gay/bi. Does this mean I can be accused of having homophobia?

      I do agree that is someone says the all members of group X are not attractive they are 99.99% likely to be racist against group X. Since beauty is not really in the eye of the beholder, it is actually objective based on physical characteristics. Hence why Penelope Cruz is attractive, even if I’m not feeling it. Now who someone finds sexually attractive that is in the eye of the beholder. And can be influenced by personal experience.Freud made a career out of that observation.

      Reply

  6. fuzzilla Says:

    Whether he’s racist or not (for the record, I agree with Moxie) – why does LW care what other people think? If she got a “yuck” vibe from the guy, why not just go with that? Is it all that, “Come on, you should give him a chance/you must always be putting 110% energy into finding a relationship” crap that women are fed..?

    Reply

  7. AV Says:

    “It should be an issue because both that statement and line of thinking are inherently racist.”

    No it isn’t. Racism is actively hating people of other races because of their race. This isn’t active hate, this is just him stating that he wants to date people of his own race.

    Unless it wasn’t published here as part of the letter, there’s no indication he actually hates non-Whites.

    People prefer to be around other people who are like them. I don’t really see what is so controversial about this.

    Reply

    • fuzzilla Says:

      It’s fine to have preferences, but yes, it’s racist to say, “If you’re XYZ, you’re not for me.” It’s like Nia said – would you say, “I live an active lifestyle and looking for the same in a partner” or would you say, “no fatties”?

      Reply

      • Melissa Says:

        It is not racist to have a preference for a mate! And furthermore, why is it always wrong for white people to want to carry on their bloodlines or traditions too?

        Reply

        • Nia Says:

          Well, for starters, what’s “white traditions?” Europeans come in about 2 dozen flavors: Irish, English, German, French, Spanish, etc. That’s not even counting Easter Europe.
          So what culture exactly are you “carrying on?” I hope you plan on marrying someone of your exact ethnical background, otherwise you’re full of it.

          Reply

          • Melissa Says:

            I was simply thinking of the traditions my family has, the ones I grew up with. My family who yes happens to be Caucasian, which I refuse to be made feel guilty about. It’s okay and allowed (last time I checked) for white peiple to be fond of the familial traditions etc.. that they grew up with.

            Reply

            • Craig Says:

              Melissa you are making less and less sense. What traditions does your family have that are tied directly to being Caucasian? Further, your mate isn’t going to be a member of your family, so how do you guarantee they’ll continue those traditions just because they are Caucasian? You can’t unless you marry someone within your family. I mean, if that’s your thing, do you boo. But that’s kinda gross. The closet relation you can legally get with in most states is 2nd cousins by the way.

              Reply

              • Parenting Says:

                Its Americans of Anglo-Saxon decent. Is this really such a mystery?

                Reply

                • Nia Says:

                  It’s not a mystery.
                  What’s a “mystery” is what Anglo-Saxon means. The cultures of England and France, or Ireland and Germany, are pretty darn distinct.
                  No one is “shaming” white people for deciding, privately, that they’d like to marry other white people and deciding that they’d like to continue their barefoot McRib eating contests, 4-wheel races, pin the tail on the mule, or whatever “Anglo Saxon” traditions are super, super important to them. (Notice how no actual “traditions” are listed here, just a vague idea of, I don’t actually know what. Grandma’s Watergate Salad? Auntie’s Ritz Crackers and Kraft Cheese circles?
                  What people are saying, pretty clearly is “to refuse publicly to date someone of another race is a VERY bad look. Maybe don’t do that.”

                  Reply

                  • Melissa Says:

                    Hey Nia, speaking of a VERY bad look….one could point to your suggestions of the traditions which white people have of “barefoot McRib eating contests, 4-wheel races, pin the tail on the mule, Grandma’s Watergate Salad? Auntie’s Ritz Crackers and Kraft Cheese circles?”.

                    Reply

                  • Parenting Says:

                    The colonial British culture blended with influences from later immigrant waves and evolved into some of what the world knows as American culture is all white trash Honey Booboo? Thats not racist.

                    I’ll help, here are some predominantly American white culture elements: some rock styles like hard rock, business culture, square dancing, Blue grass, the way religion is practiced in historically white churches, hollywood roots, some American fashion, regional cuisine, some sports have a predominantly white fan base, hunting (regional), dialects (regional), and more.

                    Btw, Im not American and was not considered “white” where Im from.

                    Reply

                    • Craig Says:

                      Rock and Roll is a not a “white culture element” whatever that’s supposed to mean. That’s another example of revisionist history. Most people give credit for inventing it to Chuck Berry. But in reality, a combination of Fats Domino, Lloyd Price, Ike Turner, Hank Williams, Joe Turner, Louis Jordan, Ray Charles, Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis, Chuck Berry, Bo Diddley, Buddy Holly and Elvis Presley deserve credit for the genre’s creation. But go ahead and keep thinking it’s a white thing.

                    • Parenting Says:

                      Nowhere did I say that white America invented the rock genre or is its sole contributor or proprietor. *Some* musical styles have a predominantly white fan base enough so to make it a cultural element of that group. Case in point, heavy metal’s fan base is not exactly ethnically diverse.

                • Ruth Says:

                  “Anglo-Saxon” isn’t a thing – I’m from the UK, there are multiple different regions with different traditions, dialects and history – the UK itself is a hodge podge of different cultures intersecting, there is not one “culture”. And America itself with white people has had many different white people immigrate other, and then there’s the fact that it’s a huge country of it’s own with different traditions/cultures in each region, that it makes the idea completely nonsensical.

                  Reply

                  • Parenting Says:

                    Sorry for the misuse of the term. But are you saying that British colonialists had no culture? That when white Americans travel abroad, the locals are like, “Wow, I have no idea where these people are from. They have no culture!”

                    Reply

                    • Parenting Says:

                      Or are you saying that Americas regional differences are so dramatic that white Americans cant be identified as such abroad?

                      Incidentally doesnt this also go for other racial and ethnic groups? Dont African Americans from New Orleans have a drastically different culture than African Americans from NYC or Chicago? Does that mean that theres no such thing as American Black culture?

                    • Ruth Says:

                      More that the “traditions” arguement doesn’t really hold up very well, as if you are looking for a group with specific culture/traditions that match yours in a partner, you are looking at a very small group, which has nothing to do with “white” american as a whole. Yes people will generally recognise a nationality in other people, largely from their accent, but the specific arguement was they were looking for a partner that had their traditions and culture in a partner, quite frankly the majority of white people aren’t going to fit that description, so it’s weird to exclude other ethnic groups for not fitting it either. It sounds like a very poor excuse when you examine it even a little bit.

                    • Ruth Says:

                      I mean I live in a region with less than 2 million people in it, which has little immigration and is majorly white (>90%) so you would think we all have similar culture/traditions – nope, instead we are a very divided society with two main groups, with subsets in those groups. And I tell you sticking to your own group hasn’t exactly helped my region alot either… some would even argue it has caused more prejudice. The kind of prejudice that leads to getting people killed. Fitting people into groups that aren’t “you” when it comes to human tends to be a very bad idea.

              • Melissa Says:

                First of all Craig, that is a disgusting comment about marrying a relative/family member. Very non-classy, but in your words “you do you boo”. Second of all, I have a Scandinavian background and grew up in a community that celebrated Scandinavian culture with things that you, no doubt, will find trite like the food and music and Christmas traditions etc. However, I don’t think it’s necessary to explain/justify who we want to date/mate/marry. No need to attack others for their personal preferences. I have no issues with other people’s personal preferences.

                Reply

                • ATWYSingle Says:

                  Second of all, I have a Scandinavian background and grew up in a community that celebrated Scandinavian culture with things that you, no doubt, will find trite like the food and music and Christmas traditions etc.

                  Unless you marry a controlling asshole, you can still celebrate and pass your traditions down to your children even if your partner does not share your ethnic or religious background. I know a number of inter-faith couples and they manage just fine. Try again.

                  Reply

                  • Melissa Says:

                    I agree, you most definitely can still celebrate your culture, faith etc..in an inter-faith marriage/relationship. For some people it’s important the person share their love of wine or of traveling or yoga….for others it’s more important other things are shared. That’s all.

                    Reply

        • Craig Says:

          Yeah, I was going to say the same thing. What exactly are Caucasian traditions? You’re talking dozens of different countries, languages, and cultures within the umbrella of that ethnic group. So I call bullshit on maintaining bloodlines and traditions as a reason for Caucasians only wanting to date other Caucasian people. If you’re of Italian descent and you marry an Irish person, you’ve achieved neither of those goals.

          Reply

          • fuzzilla Says:

            And are “Caucasian traditions/bloodlines” really in any danger of dying out? ::eyeroll forever::

            Reply

          • Parenting Says:

            I might be wrong here but I believe when Americans speak of “white culture” they are speaking of a specific slice of European ancestry that cultivated its own cultural heritage in America. I would primarily be people of English decent. Maybe some Northern and Central European influence as well because historically places like Vienna, Paris, Berlin, etc… were such popular cultural exporters for the rest of Europe.

            Reply

          • Jack Says:

            Not necessarily. Italians and Irish are both mostly Catholic, so some traditions are common to both groups.

            Reply

  8. TwoCents Says:

    Y’all are hilarious trying to jump through hoops of fire to prove your point that white people only wanting to date white people doesn’t have some inherent unconscious bias which isn’t founded on some racist thoughts. No one is saying that you can’t have preferences, but when you’re so blatant as to say, “I can literally only imagine dating someone of my own race/ethnicity” there’s some subtext going on there. Also, why are you more bothered with things being labeled as racist than the fact that there is so much in this world that is actually racist? That’s kind crazy.

    And to UWSGal, your mango analogy is a false equivalency. All mangoes taste the same, so if you eat one mango and don’t like it, you can definitely say you don’t like all mangoes. People of the same race/ethnicity aren’t all the same, so if you date one person and it doesn’t work out, you can’t then claim that it’ll never work out with anyone else of that same ethnicity, because it’s unlikely the reason it didn’t work out was based on that one attribute. Unless, of course, you’ve got some biases going on about why you would/wouldn’t date them… see how that works? https://www.dividedstatesofwomen.com/2017/12/21/16801568/unconscious-bias-racism-sexism

    Reply

    • UWSGal Says:

      I think you missed the point. They are not all the same as a partner, but they all look alike, have common physical features. If you know you don’t find these features attractive, you know you would not find anybody who has them attractive.

      Reply

      • Nia Says:

        Pharrell Williams looks just like Jay Z? Danny Glover looks just like Malcom X? Snoop Dogg looks just like Trevor Noah? Obama and T. I. are twins?

        Come on.

        If by “common features” you mean darker skin, different hair texture, slightly wider and lower nasal bridge and fuller lips, sure.

        Funny how on a black person full lips are “not attractive”, but on Angelina Jolie or Olivier Martinez, they’re hot. Funny how white people want to tan and looking “pasty” is gross but extra melanin on a black person is “not attractive”.

        But “all people of one race look alike” is, at best, a rather narrow minded statement.

        Or is it just that the perception is that Western or European looks/ ethnotype is the standard of beauty and you’ve never questioned that?

        People get your point. They’re just repelled by the views it espouses.

        Reply

        • UWSGal Says:

          “Or is it just that the perception is that Western or European looks/ ethnotype is the standard of beauty and you’ve never questioned that?”

          I think our preferences have to do more with our exposure during our childhood. I was not exposed to a single non-white person in real life until i was in my 20-ies (i grew up in a racial uniform European country). Whenever I find myself attractive to someone, it is usually somebody not just white but from that same part of the world as well, or with a similar lineage. While I do find some black guys or asian guys OBJECTIVELY attractive, gorgeous in fact, I am PERSONALLY not attracted to them. I don’t think that anybody’s preference for dating within their race/religion/ethnicity etc. DISCRIMINATES against members of other races/religions/ethnicity and causes them any harm or loss or disadvantage. How can that be racist in any meaningful sense of this word?

          Reply

          • Craig Says:

            “I think our preferences have to do more with our exposure during our childhood.”

            Speak for yourself. Maybe your childhood exposure informs your preferences, but that’s not the case for everyone. I grew up in lily white Westchester County, NY. And I went hog wild dating the rainbow as soon as a moved to a much more diverse NYC. Hot is hot, and all groups have examples of gorgeous people who I wanted to date.

            That said, you have the right to date whomever you want. Just own it for what it is. And don’t let me find out you go tanning because you find your naturally fair skin more attractive when it’s darker. Because that would be kind of hypocritical and would belie your argument.

            Reply

            • UWSGal Says:

              You are not white, correct? So you basically went ahead to date people who look MORE like you than the whites? So when you do it, it’s not racist, but the other way around it is. Gotcha.

              Reply

              • Craig Says:

                You can’t place me in one of your neat little categories UWSGal. I am of part German, Caribbean, and Native American descent. I look kind of like the actor Daniel Sunjata. And you are making incorrect assumptions. What I went ahead and did was date EVERYBODY. I didn’t exclude whites when given the opportunity to broaden my horizons…I merely added other options beyond them to my repertoire. I ended up marrying a Chinese-American woman. The color of her skin wasn’t the deciding factor in that choice – the content of her character was.

                Reply

                • Jack Says:

                  Of course you didn’t exclude whites, because white women are generally the most attractive women. You have a right to your dating preferences, UWSGal has a right to hers, and I have a right to mine. And it is *natural* to want to date/marry people who are from your group, to want children that look like you.

                  Reply

            • UWSGal Says:

              And no, i don’t go tanning. I am so pale that i don’t even tan at all, i get instantly sunburned and red. And yes, i find pale skin attractive and tan, sun-damaged skin not so much…

              Reply

              • Jack Says:

                Don’t even humor this guy with his ridiculous rant about tanning. You have every right to date WHOEVER you want, and this includes excluding entire groups of people, if that is YOUR preference. Don’t let anyone try to pressure you otherwise.

                Reply

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        They are not all the same as a partner, but they all look alike, have common physical features.

        Are you saying you believe all black people look alike and all share common features? All Asian people? All Indian people? Really??? All black people do not look alike. That’s a (racist) misconception. That’s like saying Sterling K. Brown and Donald Glover look alike. Or that Kumail Nanjiani and Kal Penn look alike. Look at them. Really look them. Their complexions are different, their facial features are different, their hair is different. They look nothing alike.

        Reply

        • UWSGal Says:

          Yes they share common features. This is how you are able to tell that a person in front of you is in fact black and not asian. Because you see those common features, duh? This is not “racist”, this is a fact. And, as an aside, as I am sure many are aware, interracial facial identification is much worse than intraracial. E.g. members of different races look more “alike” to members of another race than to members of their own. This again is not racist, this is a fact.

          Reply

      • Craig Says:

        Oh really…we all look alike to you? Did I just get sent back in time to the 1950s? Haven’t heard that one in awhile. Derek Jeter and Wesley Snipes look alike to cite an example? I guess we all share a hive mind and personality too. No real difference among us…just like a mango. Wow, just wow. I’m actually lost for words, which is hard to do.

        Reply

  9. Craig Says:

    “Although I have met many Asian women that I like, I prefer to date my own race.” – The OP

    Yeah, that’s a pretty bigoted statement. Why? Because he thinks that non-whites are a different race that him. Homo sapiens are a single race, people. The concept that different ethnic groups are somehow a difference race has no basis in science. It’s a social construct created with the sole intent of dehumanizing non-Caucasians. So when you say you only date within your race, I sure hope so. Bestiality is not a good look. And if you buy into the absurd concept that another human who looks different than you is a different race, then guess what? You’re a racist.

    “The vast majority of white men prefer to date white women, for whatever reason. (many white guys with yellow fever aren’t capable of snagging a hot white girl, to be honest.)” – Jack

    Why is that Jack? Because Asian women are lower on the totem pole than Caucasian women, and thus an easier catch for the white man? There’s little grey area on the nature of this statement. Definitely racist.

    Look, I’m all preferring to date only what you’re attracted to. That’s not inherently wrong. But the reasons that inform those decisions can be where one’s motives come into question. If you can conclusively rule out entire ethnic groups sight unseen, then you’ve probably got an issue. Humans have much more complex and multifaceted differences among them that make each one more unique and worthy of re-evaluation than a mango to cite one of the more stupid arguments I read above.

    Reply

    • Jack Says:

      I personally do not rule out any group. I have preferences, but I have been attracted to members of lots of different groups. Still, who I date tends to be women who have similar backgrounds to me (not just ethnically).

      If race is made up, can we forget about affirmative action? Black lives matter? We’re all the same, right…

      Reply

  10. fuzzilla Says:

    I prefer not to date recovering alcoholics, but I wouldn’t put that in my dating profile (well, back when I was dating and had a profile). Because although I’ve had bad experiences with them, not every recovering alcoholic sucks, and mentioning that in my profile would just tell you that I have issues/a chip on my shoulder. It’s absolutely no different than saying “prefers not to date Asians” or leaping to the conclusions that Asians make bad partners or whatever the hell that guy’s point was supposed to be.

    Reply

  11. Deedah Says:

    I’m an Asian woman and I honestly don’t feel like here’s anything really offensive in his preference because it is his right to have a preference. I would rather skip his profile knowing that he preferred his own race/ethnicity whatever than waste my time on someone who won’t be attracted to me. I personally don’t date Asian men for a variety or reasons, the main one being that I’m not attracted to them at all. And I don’t think I’m racist for preferring blond caucasians. Why can’t people like what they like anymore without everyone taking it personally?

    Reply

    • Craig Says:

      Deedah, your reasoning is illogical. A preference is not offensive simply because one has the right to have that preference? Sorry, but people like neo-nazis/white nationalists have a right to their preferences too, but that right doesn’t make their preferences any less offensive to the rest of us.

      And how is it that you know sight unseen that you are not attracted to all 1 billion Asian men in the world anyway? Is it their physical appearance? I ask only because the general physical traits that distinguish them from other ethnic groups are shared by none other than you. Which begs the question of what you think you’re seeing in the mirror that makes you so much more attractive compared to them. You may not be racist by being an Asian woman who’s only attracted to blonde Caucasians, but it may be an indication that you have some even worse issues.

      Reply

  12. Coffeestop Says:

    If he was that annoying why did she go on a date with him?

    Reply

  13. Ss16 Says:

    I would definitely stay away from this guy. For starters, anyone who goes to this length publicly describe their dating preferences is just bizarre. Is he a sex/relationship writer? Or is he a full-time YouTuber? If not, then he has to have some issues. If he does this for a living, sure, he can share as much as he wants, but it seems like he has another job.

    I personally think that everyone has the right to have a preference in terms of who they want to date or sleep with. I have no issue with people only wanting to date within their race, but his statement is disturbing. As an Asian woman myself, I have dated primarily white guys – does that mean I have white fetish? No. Does that mean I don’t like my own race? Absolutely not. I’m proud of my race and have dated my own people before, but now I find white men attractive. It’s purely physical – not because I think white men are better in any way. If he only wants to date white girls, not an issue – since you’re white, too. But I would never announce it that way.

    Trust your gut – if you feel that something is off, it probably is.

    Reply

  14. Sheba Says:

    Anyone with YouTube videos about why you should date them and self promoting websites about their ‘dream girl is an irredeemable twat.

    Reply

  15. EANx Says:

    “Too bad your opinion on the subject doesn’t matter”

    Too bad you can’t differentiate between attraction and racism. Racism is more than attraction. There are lots of people I find worthwhile that I wouldn’t date. Just because I wouldn’t date a guy doesn’t make me a homophobe anymore than my lack of attraction to X woman makes me racist. I have that same type of woman working for me very successfully.

    Reply

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