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First Date Protocol: What Do You Do When You’re Not Attracted To Them?

January 11, 2013 by 11 Comments

About 4 months ago I met a guy from OKCupid.

I knew the moment he showed up at the bar that I wasn’t attracted to him. I just knew it. This was a rare occurrence for me. In the last 2 years, I have not had one date that didn’t turn into a second/third/fourth/etc date, a request for a second date, a short-term relationship, or..whatever. In the two or three instances where none of that occurred it was because I was the one doing the rejecting. So there I sat with my mojito, looking at his watch, wondering when was the appropriate time to tell him I didn’t feel any magic.

About 20 minutes in he took the menu and started looking it over trying to decide what to order. I couldn’t let him do that. Not only was I not going to let him spend money unnecessarily, I also didn’t want to sit there not eating while he ate or somehow mentally trying to rush him through his meal. So I just came out with it. Ripped that band aid right off. We made it to the 45 minute mark and we said our good byes.

That was the first time in a long time I had to do that. The one other time was with a guy about 2 years earlier. This was a date clear cut “casual” date. The date was designed to determine physical chemistry. I knew going into that date that I wasn’t 100% on board with hooking up with him. When we met I knew it was a no go. The problem? I sensed he was kind of…volatile. Again, I did not let the date progress beyond pleasantries and a cocktail. As expected I was met with a tongue lashing that lasted into the next day. Even when I emailed him to apologize if he felt I had wasted his time, I was met with a barrage of insults.

It’s a tricky situation, right? You show up and, upon meeting someone and giving them that warm hug, you just…know. You know that they’re disappointed or not feeling it. When I was heavier, I got that tweak on almost every date. I would sit there and literally feel the guy trying to accumulate enough minutes before he could say good bye. There was one date that so stuck out in my mind that, when the same guy from the date rated me highly on OKC  a few months ago, I replied to him and told him what an unpleasant experience it was to meet him the first time around. I should have been flattered that he didn’t recognize me, etc. I know. I couldn’t help it.

I’ve never sat there and tried to make myself be attracted to someone. It’s either there or it’s not. I never felt a need to give it time to see if the attraction would materialize. As someone here has said before, who wants to be with someone that has to be convinced to want to see them again?

In an ideal situation neither of you are feeling it. Then you can get through one drink and skeedaddle. Then there’s Scenario B. That’s when you know you’re date is feeling it and you aren’t. Those are the sticky ones. There are, of course, two ways to handle it. You either smile through it and say nothing misleading. Then when you get the email suggesting another date you simply say that you didn’t think you and they were a match. Or you just tell them after the first round that things won’t be progressing, etc. Neither are especially pleasant. I suppose telling someone face to face is a little harsh and uncomfortable. I’d rather do that than allow them to think things are headed a certain way and then blindside them.

How do you handle this sort of thing? Do you know right away? Do you try to wait and see if the attraction will build? Do you leave?

How have you handled it when you’ve been the one who was dismissed?

Would you ever tell someone flat out that you weren’t physically attracted to them? Or do you lie?

 

 

 

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Filed Under: After The First Date, Awkward, Dating, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, First Date Sex, First Impressions, Online Dating, Sex, sexuality

If He’s Not Interested, Can You *Make* Him Interested?

December 17, 2012 by 26 Comments

Name: Heather
Age: 34
State: California
Question: I went on a first date last night that was 30 minutes of small talk and the a 2 1/2 hour movie. The guy looks like a strong contender for me – we have a lot in common, he’s cute, etc… but I got the impression that he just wanted to go to a movie with someone, not go on a date, although he called it a “first date.”

Anyway, at the end of the night he said something wishy washy about we’ll talk soon blah blah. I told him (with a smile) that I’d really like another date where we can talk instead of just sitting quietly watching a movie, and he said yes, but still wasn’t specific about anything. He gave me an awkward hug and took off.

I would like to see him again, but I’m worried that (for whatever reason), he’s not interested. What’s a way to contact him again that might get him interested? I feel like if I ask for another date he’ll just do that guy fade away thing. Another idea I had was to tell him that if he doesn’t feel a spark we could be friends. I’m new in town and would like to make friends as well as go on dates (and it says so in my online profile).

Anyway, I’m just worried that I might scare him off. Help!

 

You can’t scare off someone who is genuinely interested. If he wants to see you again, he’s not going to change his mind just because you take the initiative and ask him out.

I know you say you’d be okay with being friends, but would you? Really? Even if you were comfortable with that, most guys really don’t have much use for random female friends. As Chris Rock says, these are just women they haven’t slept with yet. The worst thing you can do is to presume to know exactly how they’re feeling or thinking. Don’t email him and tell him, pre-emptively, that if he didn’t feel a spark then you and he could be friends. He’s going to take that as you trying to read his mind and he’ll get annoyed. Plus, you’ll pretty much be setting yourself as f*ck buddy material. He’ll take you up on that offer, and then you’ll hook up, and then he’ll say, “But..you said you were okay with being just friends!” I actually think that “If you just want to be friends, that’s okay” is now code for, “We don’t have to date. I’ll sleep with you any way.”

If you want to see him again, come up with a plan and email him and ask him out. I’ll be honest and say that this situation doesn’t sound promising. The awkward hug and vague mentions of a future date aren’t good signs. Neither is the suggestion of a movie on a first date. You’re right that a movie date is not a good first date idea, and most people know that.

I don’t think there’s any way to “get” him interested. Either he is or he isn’t. Maybe he’s just really shy. In which case contacting him and inviting him out for a drink will put him at ease. But if he just wasn’t feeling it or was just using the site to meet new friends, you might end up on another “date” that goes no where.

I’m thinking that you’re going to have to bite the bullet and ask him out and see what he says.

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Filed Under: After The First Date, Awkward, Dating, First Impressions, Friend Zone Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

First Date Second Guessing

August 26, 2012 by 23 Comments

Name: Roo
Age: 39
State: NYC
Question:  Had a date Friday with a woman from Match. We met for drinks then went to a comedy show and then had another drink after. It was getting late and I had to get home to walk my dog. I suggested she come back to my place with me and we could get my dog and walk her together. We get to my place and my date says she’s tired. I say she can crash at my place if she wants and that I’d walk my dog by myself and she could go to bed. I was gone about 15-20 minutes when she called me asking when I’d be back. I returned to my place about 10 minutes later.* When I got home my date told me she was going to go home because she didn’t feel right staying over after the first date. She said “we could do that on the second date.” I’m trying to figure out what happened and whether I should contact her again for a second date. Thanks.

*Edited – The OP emailed me and said he checked his phone to see when she called him. He said he wasn’t gone longer than 20-25 minutes  AND that the woman in question is a dog owner herself.

What happened was that she changed her mind. You know that. The true question is why. The most probable answer is that she felt staying over on the first date was a bad move. What she failed to consider was that changing her mind and leaving after she agreed to stay over is the real bad move here. She didn’t have to have sex with you or fool around. She could have just slept there. If you were a dick about her not wanting to have sex then she’d have her answer and would waste no further time. Instead she sat in your apartment and analyzed the situation to death. She probably texted her friends, too, telling them the haps. Giiirrrl, go home now. He won’t respect you!

OR…

She wasn’t terribly interested in the first place and took advantage of the window of opportunity you provided for her by leaving her alone in your apartment.

OR..

She snooped around your apartment while you were gone and saw something that turned her off/scared her/made her think you have a girlfriend or are otherwise disingenuous.

OR…

She felt sick, got her period or felt she was too tipsy to sleep over.

I’m leaning towards the likelihood that she either over-analyzed the situation or found something in your apartment that turned her off. I can remember the first time I saw the apartment of a man I was dating. In his kitchen were an array of plastic, multi-colored steak knives hung on a decorative rack on the wall. He said that he used to keep regular steel steak knives there, but took them down after one woman he dated saw them, freaked out and left. The first time I stayed over, he said I was “free to look through his medicine cabinet.” Another woman he dated did that and found his Ambien prescription, which then led to an inquiry about why he was taking it, what else was he on, where there is smoke there’s fire, etc. My point is that people will create a back story if it suits them.

Oh, something else you shouldn’t do? You shouldn’t leave strangers alone in your apartment. You’re mighty trusting. While I don’t think she’d steal anything, she’s still likely to totally violate your privacy by snooping. Her rationalization would be that she was making sure you weren’t a serial killer instead of, like, just not going home with you. Leave a woman to her own devices and she will create a story in her head of how things will play out. It becomes a Choose Your On Adventure exercise, with multiple endings. Sadly, most women choose the wrong ending.

I’m not sure what is so magical about the second date other than it’s not the dreaded first date. Another illogical rationalization. First date sex is a bad move. Second date sex is totally better. If she knows she’d be comfortable after 2 dates, then why wait to stay over? Forget it. That’s a rhetorical question. I know the answer – because she’s immature.

Should you call ask her out again? Go ahead. Personally, this sort if behavior would turn me off completely. She didn’t own her choice. She is still dating by antiquated rules created by self-sabotaging women. Plus she kinda nagged you as to your whereabouts. After a first date. You’re a 39  year old man in Manhattan. There are plenty of other women to date. This has already stalled a bit. Now you’re going to have to “prove” you’re not just out to have sex with her.Your choice, though.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

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Filed Under: After The First Date, Awkward, Date Like a Man, Dating, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, First Date Sex, Hook Up Culture, Sex, sexuality, Snooping Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Why Did They Lose Interest So Quickly?

April 4, 2012 by 11 Comments

Mox:

I have to respond to your last post b/c you stated that you “haven’t been groped” while on a date. I’m sure you were referring to me. Also, I wanted to illustrate the problems that online dating presents.

True, I tend to mouth off about that and kissing women.  However, I think you and some of the posters have the wrong ideas about what I do.  However, if I’m wrong then I’m honest enough to see that and modify my behavior.

I met this 36 yr old woman on match recently.  She is separated and only will be free six (6) months from now. The funny thing is that she had never dated b/c she got married at 17 years old to a guy ten (10) years older. She also lives more than an hour away from and she drove to see me on dates. We met and hit it off.  I could tell there was chemistry.  At the end up the date, we were in my car and I decided to go for it and kiss her. It ended up being a very passionate kiss where she was grabbing my jacket and pulling me towards her when we were kissing.  In fact, she was ready to go home with me until she said she had to go home-at which point I stopped.

Afterwards, she was texting me asking me stuff like who was I going out with that weekend and sending me a pic of her.

Okay, so fast forward.  She breaks a date with me on a Saturday and I tell her, “no prob.”  She then calls me that following Friday to go out and I say sure.  Well, we meet and I felt like the passion from our first meeting was gone.  She seemed like something was wrong. Then she tells me her soon to be ex-hubby found out that she was dating and threatened to kill her while her 17 year old daughter was also bitching about her dating.

In any event, we watch a band and she lets me put her arms around her.  We go back to the car and, again, I initiate kissing.  At this point, I felt that it was “all clear” to touch her based upon our previous encounter and the fact we were at it again.  Albeit, I did not go down below her waist.

Anyway, she ignored my subsequent texts and, in fact, she was suppose to call me this past Monday which she did not.

Now, although I liked her, I have moved on because she has only been separated six (6) months and that, alone, told me it was not going to last. Also, she looks like she is going to have a lot of family drama in her life which I would rather stay out of.

I don’t know why she faded on me–so quickly–after showing major interest in the beginning and giving evidence she was ready for physical action.  I’m curious as to why.  I do know she was dating other guys while she was dating me b/c she told me.  I can’t believe she would tell me this. Anyway, I thought about it but I don’t believe the groping had anything to do with it.

In any event, this is the type of online dating I am talking about.  However, I will say there were red flags and I chose to ignore them.

OffensiveDan

 

I’m sure you were referring to me.

Actually? I wasn’t. I’m going to preface my response to this post with a disclaimer/rant – Just because something could apply to you doesn’t mean it is directed at or inspired by you.   The reality is that this is a big city and I write about dating for a living. There are staple characters that we all encounter. There are certain stories that will trigger a memory and a reaction. That’s life. This is what I do. At any given time somebody could read something and think it’s about them. Why? Because these stories are so common, because the ups and downs we feel and the behaviors we exhibit are universal. And because I’m human and have had my own experiences and sometimes infuse my columns with them. I am only responsible for me and how I process things. I am not responsible for anyone’s insecurity, self-obsession or guilty conscience.  I don’t shove my opinions in anybody’s face and I color within the lines. That means that nobody gets to tell me how I should process certain things or what should or shouldn’t bother me. Agree with it, don’t agree with. It’s really not your concern or your place. Please do not make statements like, “I’m sure you were referring to me” unless you are actually sure. Honestly, not everything is about you. And even if it is, you always have the option of ignoring me should some of those opinions cut too close to the bone.

Now, as for Dan’s issue.

Dan, you seem to have the same experience over and over again. You have a great date, things get hot and heavy, the woman turns out to be a steaming plate of crazy and she blows you off. People Fade. This is very common in dating. Maybe they met someone else. Maybe they had enough time to decide if you were right for them. Maybe they’re flaky. There are all kinds of reasons. But if this CONSISTENTLY happens to someone, the only common denominator is them. People need to learn to figure out if they are experiencing a typical by-product of dating or if there is something about them that is causing them to get ditched. If every scenario follows the exact same patter, then the problem is with them. Not the other person.

You had all the signs up front that these women are unavailable or difficult in some way and yet you plow forward. Yeah, someone who got married at 17 to a guy 10 years older than her probably has some issues.   Anybody who gets married that young (say 17-25) to someone that much older hasn’t a clue what she’s getting in to. She’s escaping. Or she’s swept up in the romantic notion of playing house and is enamored with some guy who, once the curtain is pulled away, wasn’t who she thought he was.  When the marriage inevitably fails, she’s like Jodie Foster in Nell. A stranger in a strange world without a clue of how to date because she married herself off before she got any actual experience.

That’s why she’s acting this way. She doesn’t have any idea what she’s doing. She’s still tied to her maniacal Ex and she’s saddled with a pissy teenager because she got pregnant at 19. She’s just trying to catch up on everything she missed. But since she’s lacking any actual experience, she doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s like a top spinning out of control.

I can’t believe she would tell me this.

I can. She has no experience so she doesn’t know it’s inappropriate. She’s employing tactics she’s read about in Cosmo. “Make him jealous, ladies!”

Dan, she faded because her ex husband threatened to kill her and because she’s not in a stable place to date. Pretty cut and dry there, I think. But let’s look big picture, shall we?

You are constantly reliving this scenario. Why? Yes, you ignored red flags. Why? Why can’t you just cut out the minute one of those big red flags starts waving? You seem to go out with anybody that shows interest, get ditched, and then complain about it. You never move past that same stumbling block. Why? You’re not learning anything. You’re not taking the lessons you were taught with the previous situation and making adjustments. You seem intent on “winning” here.  You appear to want to make one of these scenarios work so you can prove to yourself that it’s not about you. Dan…it IS about you. So acknowledge that, fix the problem and move on.

Crotch Rocket had a great comment the other day. I’m going to sign off with it:

Focusing on the other person’s wrongs is a way for us to justify our own wrongs. And then they do the same thing, of course. Voilà, vicious cycle.

 

 

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Filed Under: After The First Date, Awkward, Bad Dates, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Blogging, Dating After Divorce, Online Dating, The Fade Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Do Men Need Reasons Why We Won’t Sleep With Them?

June 19, 2011 by 31 Comments

Name: Jayne || Location: Northeast  |Question: Just read this article:  http://www.yourtango.com/experts/christian-carter/revealed-5-reasons-men-dont-call-you-back

Have you done an article maybe similar to this on your site?  With maybe reasons why a women doesn’t sleep with you on the very first date?

I had a first date last night after heavy online flirting.  Date ended in makeout session but when I left & today I get distinct feeling that something is up.  Is it because I didn’t have sex with him?  Why can men not give us a few dates before they “ditch” us?  I would have loved to have torn his clothes off but I think it is more sensible to have a few dates & learn more.  Anticipation is sometimes a good thing as well. We went to his place to watch a rented movie after supper.  This is a relatively small town, we live in a DRY county (in the 21st century no less).  All there is to do is a movie in some form, bowling, putt putt golf during the summer.  If any bands are playing, it is usually on the weekend and we went out on a weeknight because he & his son were going out of town for Father’s Day this weekend.

It was honestly “making out.”  Mostly kissing.  Some breathing in the ear and probably the heaviest it got was his kissing my cleavage and I did stick my hand down the back of his shirt because I had been rubbing his neck.  He didn’t try to unbutton anything or pull off anything of mine, and vice versa.

I did rub his forehead some because he was looking really relaxed and he said “I’ll bet you give good massages” and I just said something flirty back.  Was I supposed to offer?  Was that a hint?!?  I wanted to have sex with him, BAD. (he never said “let’s get naked” or “let’s take this to the bedroom”) But I always think that is a sure way to end things after one date.  Why can it not wait?  It’s hard for me to wait, too.  Why can’t the guy?

I guess that deep down, I feel like the “he’s not into me” philosophy in the book is correct:  if a guy likes you, he’s going to take the time to contact you.  I was a little disappointed because I didn’t even get any inclination as to if he would call me back.  Also, we were on IM at the same time this morning before he went out of town & he didn’t initiate any conversation.  So I guess I’m thinking, if he’s into me, he would at least say “have a good weekend” or something.  But I got nothing.  Guess I’m questioning – is the “he’s not into you” philosophy spot on?  Do some men divert from this behavior?

I feel incredibly stupid.  I am trying to enjoy the fact that I went out a date with a really good looking man who was smart and funny, and thinks I’m sexy.  But I would really like to go out with him again, and I’m second guessing myself.  I feel bad for wanting more when I should be happy with the fact that it was a good date with great conversation (yes, we did talk too lol) and definite attraction.  But I want another date, some more chances to do other things together (yes including sex).

You just see all these articles about “what men think” about various situations.  And maybe because I’m a woman I don’t see any “what women think” articles, but after seeing this other article, I just thought that men need to know why we won’t sleep with them on a 1st date.  Because a lot of you disappear afterward?  Because, just maybe, anticipation is just as good…taking time to know each other a little more, so you can show even more about yourself to the other person; traits that they might find makes you even more attractive to them? Stimulation through conversation shared on the first few (or several) dates can make the sex even better.

Okay… I have gone on way too long here to your simple question.  I’m just pissed that everything seems so complicated.  Life is too short for games.

Sorry, that turned into a vent.  I just think men need to hear reasons why we don’t want to immediately hop into bed. |Age: 42

 

Christy asked me to compile a list of reasons why women prefer not to have sex on the first date. Here goes:

1. We don’t want you to think we’re “easy” or “a slut.”
2. We don’t want to scare you off or be intimidated by our sexual assertiveness.
3. We don’t want you to lose interest because there is no longer a challenge.
4. We aren’t sure we’re attracted enough to you to have sex with you.
5. We have our period. (Oh come on. Who hasn’t had that happen?)
6. We don’t know you well enough and fear we’ll catch an STD or learn you have a wife or girlfriend and get hurt.
7. We don’t believe in sex before marriage/are virgins.
8. We want to be sure you’re looking for the same things we are and are on the same page.

That’s all I got. Feel free to share your own.

Now…reasons 4 through 8? Totally valid. But reasons 1, 2 and 3? These are excuses created by and perpetuated by women to justify our horrible taste in men.The men who would judge us for being comfortable with our sexuality or who would lose interest moments after they climax are pussies and dirtbags and we shouldn’t be dating them anyway. Those men are not the norm and they are not the majority. So howsabout we all take a little collective step back and acknowledge that this tripe that gets circulated over and over, wherein women villianize men as being insecure, sexist, soulless man children, all stems from the fact that the sources all have bad taste in men, made bad choices or shoot out of their league. That’s it.

Enough of trying to brain wash women in to believing that fucking someone indiscriminately empowers them. It doesn’t. Getting some dude to stick it in you is not a challenge. You can tell yourself that it is to make yourself feel better, and you can convince yourself that you are making strides for women everywhere when you choose to have casual sex. All of that is based on some flimsy house of cards. If the guy doesn’t call you again, then that means you chose the wrong guy to have sex with. That’s what it means. That’s it. If the guy didn’t take you up on your indecent proposal, it doesn’t mean he’s gay or insecure. He could be, of course. But more likely, something about how you presented the scenario rubbed him the wrong way or tripped his trigger. I don’t know about you, but nothing turns me off quicker than a guy who seems proud of his love of sport fucking.

Numbers 1 through 3 are false beliefs. They exist solely in our minds because we’ve heard them so often from other women. Those women formed those beliefs because they were drawn to the wrong guys. Does everybody see where I’m going with this? Okay. Let me be more direct.

All of these empowering, rah rah, take back the vagina platitudes are basically just encouraging women to justify and rationalize their sexuality and sexual choices, be it to have sex or not. If the goal is to somehow “compete” with men, then ur doing it wrong. Men don’t rationalize or justify their choices. Neither should we. Stop making how we choose to express our sexuality about reacting to how we perceive men express their sexual choices or how they allegedly judge ours.

Whenever I hear a woman say she decided to have sex with a guy on the first date  and then rationalizes it by saying she decided he wasn’t relationship material, or because she just wanted to get laid or wanted to make the night “worth it”…any time she says anything other than, “because I wanted to”…then she did it to get the guy’s approval in some way.

Christy, here’s the skinny on your situation. You went home with the guy. You let him kiss your boobies. You put on the brakes even though you wanted to have sex with him. You made a fear based choice, he sensed it, he bailed.

I just thought that men need to know why we won’t sleep with them on a 1st date.  Because a lot of you disappear afterward?

Right. But what that really means is that we’ve chosen to let the wrong guys in and now we don’t trust ourselves. That’s not their fault or responsibility. That’s what all of this hulabaloo comes down to. We don’t trust our choices or our instincts because we have either ignored them or they’ve taken us down the wrong path. You’re kicking yourself because you didn’t hop on this guy’s penis and ride him til morning. What you should be doing is wiping your forehead in a sigh of relief, because this guy would have blown you off right after. You could have fallen for the “You’re so sexy” line. You didn’t. You knew something about the situation wasn’t right. After the past mistakes you’ve made, you learned to pay attention and not be so eager to please.

Men are well aware of our reasons for not having sex with them. They know about all the crap that fills our heads, all the messages and conversations we’ve had with our girlfriends. They’re not oblivious to any of it. They don’t need a cutesy list. That’s stuff women need.  If men like us they find our insecurity endearing and a little annoying. They give us a chance and see us again. But if they were never invested or interested in the first place? They do what this guy did. They blow you off. This will now make you question whether the whole night was real or was it an act. My guess is that it was a bit of both.

After “heavy online flirting” this guy expected at least a handjob. He thought you’d be raring to go. He then wondered if maybe everything you said was an act. A lie. He lost interest. He probably didn’t start off thinking that way. But he likely left your apartment thinking that way. And then he went to an abandon steel mill and danced out his sexual frustration. (Come on! A dry county? Sexual repression? Hello?? Footloose??) Kevn Bacon will ALWAYS be cool for this film alone.

 

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Filed Under: After The First Date, casual sex, Dating, First Date Sex, Hook Up Culture, Latests Posts, Sex, Standards & Preferences, Uncategorized, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today

Why Do People Lie About What They Want?

June 16, 2011 by 69 Comments

Name: Breebree | | Location: Washington , D.C. |Question: Why aren’t people honest anymore?

I wish someone would help me understand why people feel the need to lie about what they want as far as relationships.

MEN,If you just want sex…say thats all you want and make it crystal clear. LADIES,If you want an exclusive committed relationship that will lead to marriage and children say that and make it crystal clear. Why not make your wants, needs and desires known from the beginning so that neither party is wasting their time, money, and energy?

It makes no sense to me whatsoever.

Honestly men you never know, if you tell women that you just want sex some of them (more than you think) will be cool with that. Ladies if you tell men you really want a relationship and stop settling for just sex you will not have to worry about wasting your and the other persons precious time, money, and energy. I get that folks are scared of the other persons reactions, and want to look good with honorable intentions, and want to be able to get what they want without being questioned about it.

But we are all grown adults, why not act like it and tell the damn truth for a change…the whole truth and nothing but. Is it really that serious that we have to lie to people we may not even be seriously interested in and don’t know that well and they don’t know us.

Please please please does anyone have answers on why folks lie about being married, in a relationship, or seperated but not divorced, or knowing they want sex from the beginning and not just saying that etc etc etc……???  |Age: 32

 

I get that folks are scared of the other persons reactions, and want to look good with honorable intentions, and want to be able to get what they want without being questioned about it.

You just answered your own question. You’re imploring that people act like adults. But to be honest I think you’re the one with an immature view of how people work. I don’t disagree that men could have some success by being honest about just wanting sex. There are women out there who can handle that and who won’t internalize or personalize it. But how do you expect a man to be able to discern between the woman who won’t get offended and the woman who will? How is he supposed to learn this after 1 or 2 dates? And why is it all up to the man to come clean and state his intentions clearly?Have women lost their ability to read situations and stopped trusting their guts?

Maybe it’s me, but I can tell in a couple of emails if not after one meeting that a guy is just looking to get laid. And FYI…if he’s reasonably attractive and he’s on an online dating site….he’s probably just looking to get laid. That’s his driving motivator. Doesn’t mean he’s not open to meeting someone and having a real relationship. He just won’t know that until he’s a few dates in. If you turn down his original overture without making it about how you have to know how he feels or wish to avoid getting hurt  and he likes you…he’s coming back for more. It’s that simple. Men don’t take issue with women who don’t immediately jump in to bed with them as long as the woman doesn’t use sex as some sort of biscuit to hold over his head. If a woman says, “This isn’t something I do until I get to know someone” and owns it and doesn’t imply that the man has to “prove” something, then he’s happy to give her some time. It’s when she trots out the “I need to feel that you are XYZ” that he jumps ship. (Unless she’s out of his league, in which case he’ll stick it out for a few dates.)

Why do people lie about being married? That’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? It’s not necessarily a statement about you that you keep meeting these types of people.  These people are pulling the same lines and the same shtick on everyone. Not just you. Eventually, somebody will bit and give them what they want. You’re upset, I think, because you think men are looking at you and saying , “Good enough for sex but not a relationship.” You have to understand something. Probably 80% of the women these men encounter will be shuffled in to that category.

Could it be that you’re giving off a vibe? I’m not sure what sort of vibrations we could emit that would make people think we’re vulnerable. That comes more from things we say and do. But I’ll ask you this. Do you often find yourself secretly suspicious of why a guy who looks  a certain way is paying you attention or asking you out? If so, that’s a red flag. Look, we all know what our typical pull is. We can all pretend and say there’s no such thing as leagues and all that but…please. When someone out of our typical league pays us attention, I’d say 7 times out of 10, they’re looking for something other than twu wuv. This is why whenever anybody replies to my profile and immediately starts off with how “stunning” I am or how “sexy” I am, I delete it. Unless he’s really, really, ridiculously good looking. Blue Steel. That’s the only time I’ll give someone a few emails to show me his intentions. And they almost always do. People who start things off with effusive compliments are either really insecure or trying to tap in to what they perceive are our insecurities. And might I add this….telling a woman you barely know and haven’t met that she’s “sexy” is offensive and it doesn’t impress me. Maybe this has to do with my background of abuse. It’s possible. The idea that someone that doesn’t know me is sexualizing me makes me feel gross.

Notice I said that these people tap in to what they perceive are our insecurities. I have no doubt that some men contact me strictly because I’m 42 and they assume I’m a little more forgiving or “desperate.” What somebody projects on to us isn’t necessarily reality.

Back to the “why aren’t people more honest” topic.

We’ve learned over time that being honest doesn’t necessarily get us what we want. It might make us feel good to know we “did the right thing” or “didn’t settle” when we’re sitting at home masturbating to whatever porn is On Demand. But it doesn’t make up for the fact that we’re alone. We don’t like to think that we’re settling or compromising or “using” someone. We justify it, and say that there’s more to whatever it is we’re doing with someone or that they know the score or that we’re not responsible for their feelings. So, we’re not just lying to other people. We’re lying to ourselves, too. That’s where it starts, and lying to ourselves is how we get so comfortable lying to others.

Really it just comes down to the simple fact that we didn’t want to be alone. That night, getting someone to blow you or having sex with someone was better than masturbating. Going to dinner with that guy we know either is way more in to us than we are in to them or who we know probably counts us as one of many is better than watching reruns of My So-Called life on Hulu. I wish people would get over this aversion to the word settle, because we all settle sometimes.

We lie to get what we want in that moment.

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Filed Under: After The First Date, casual sex, Dating, Latests Posts, Men & Communication, Online Dating, Understanding Men, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today

New Trend: You’ve Heard of The Fade..Learn About The Flake

April 18, 2011 by 18 Comments

Here’s something interesting my friend B. just brought to my intention:

My match.com dates almost never cancel.  But my POF dates canceled at a much higher rate, and my HowAboutWe dates canceled at a higher rate than that.  I’ve never done OKC, so I can’t speak to an experience there, but I’m curious about other people’s experiences.

Here’s what my experience has been:

When I did Match.com, I rarely had anyone cancel. There was the standard fade after a few emails, which is par for the course for online dating. That’s it.

OKC, however, is a different story.

It’s not just the men online that are flaking. I had a spirited conversation with a Facebook friend last week. He was a great looking guy, polished, handsome. But he was quite down on online dating. His experience:

Canceling when I’m standing at the meeting place. Canceling an hour before because she’s “not feeling well,” even though we spoke an hour earlier. Leaving 20 minutes after meeting while I’m in the bathroom. Not having the balls to say “I don’t wanna see you again,” but rather offering bullshit lines like “I’ve started seeing someone exclusively” or just not replying at all to my calls or texts (the “fade”). Saying they want to see me again, then dodging. Just weak shit in general.

I think there’s two schools of thought here:

1. People are being blown off because the people they are meeting are only moderately interested, if that. Or they are somehow playing their hand too soon ans scaring people off.

2. Online dating, especially the free sites, attract a larger concentration of flakes because there is no financial investment involved.

What has your experience been?

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