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Article Round Up: What’s Wrong With Men Wanting To Date Slender Women?

May 16, 2013 by 29 Comments

I’ll just leave the link here and let you guys discuss it.A woman typing on a computer keyboard

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/i-went-to-skinny-mini-speed-dating/

I am at a sports bar waiting for “Skinny Mini Speed Dating” to start. I am here “undercover” as a journalist and should be mingling with the men who are here to meet “women under size 8 only,” but instead I am staring, sort of detachedly, at sports on TV; men are jumping together in a huddle which must create friction, I think, the spandex rubbing together.

I scan the crowd of speed daters but instinctively look down at my phone whenever one of them makes eye contact.

“Oh my god,” the woman running the event says to me — who, maybe it should be noted, is not a size small or whatever – “I almost forgot! I have to put your size on your nametags. What size do you wear?”

Read the full article here.

And, no, this article isn’t about our speeddating events.

Thoughts?

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Article Round Up: Have Guys Become Worse At Asking Women Out?

May 8, 2013 by 24 Comments

Here’s an article from HowAboutWe that I thought would make for interesting conversation.food-sex-

 

Me: In your book, you state very clearly that if you want to know if someone is interested in you, you HAVE to ask them out.
And this goes for men and women.
I agree with this ten thousand percent
but asking people out — for both men and women — is TERRIFYING!
Sent at 2:07 PM on Monday
Kelly: Oh my God, it’s the MOST terrifying. Maybe more terrifying than the idea of spiders the size of minivans, even.
But yeah. It’s really fun to be in that “Does he liiiike me? I WILL PARSE EVERY SINGLE THING HE’S EVER SAID TO ME AD NAUSEUM UNTIL MY FRIENDS HATE ME” stage.
Sent at 2:08 PM on Monday
But eventually it’s not fun anymore. You really need to know.
And it feels like your world will crumble if you ask them out and they say no. And yes, for 24 hours you will probably feel super bummed.
But … that time will pass. And then you are free to go find a new crush, whose words you can then parse, except maybe this one will be into you.
Me: Isn’t it so much easier to just continually send ambiguous messages and then make HIM do the work?
Sent at 2:09 PM on Monday
Kelly: No, I mean obviously that is much easier. But it’s probably less likely to end up with you dating him.
Me: I find myself doing that sometimes. Like, “Oh, I’ll just send him a link to this article, and then he’ll get the hint and ask me out.”
I think guys have…gotten way way worse about asking girls out?

This might be more of a generational issue.  At 44, I don’t find myself circulating amongst a lot of wishy washy men. Which is a relief , because I think I’d quit dating all together if asking someone out were this major of a deal. Once more I will call back to this need for drama that people seem to have that they fulfill with dating. I’m not sure I’d even want to go out with someone who requires so much thought and energy. But then, I haven’t crushed on anyone in  along time. I’ve met guys offline that I like, we traded numbers, we flirted for a few messages and then – boom – one of us asks the other out. There wasn’t much time to crush on them, which I prefer. That seems like a recipe for disaster, as things are never what they build us up in our minds to be. This is why I don’t do the texting for days before a date or engage in extended email conversations. Let’s just met up and then get all schmoopy woopy once we know it’s game on.

If the vibe is mutual and and the guy isn’t exceedingly shy, he’ll ask you out. If a woman knows she’s done everything to give the guy the green light and made herself available, and he a man hasn’t suggested they go out some time, there’s usually a reason. Doesn’t matter what it is, but it exists. Back away and move on. Unless a guy makes it clear he’s exceptionally bashful, the woman should let the guy ask her out. That’s it. Online dating is a whole different story. There are no rules. It doesn’t matter who takes the initiative there. But if you meet the man offline, let him do the asking. A woman makes herself way too vulnerable by taking the reins on this one. A guy will say yes even if he’s not interested or attracted to the woman, and will take whatever gets offered to him with no intention of seeing her again. And if she’s the type to ask him out, she’s likely to be the type to have sex on the first couple of dates. There’s nothing wrong with that. The problem is that if a guy is experiencing a dry spell or doesn’t have many options, he’ll do all the right things just to get that sex. Could he be just as disingenuous if he does the asking? Yes. But the odds that he isn’t are in the woman’s favor this way.

I’m not sure that men have gotten worse at asking women out. The act of extending an invitation to a woman for a date seems to be saved for women that a man wants to date seriously. Since so many men are having too much fun casually dating multiple women, they don’t want women to get the wrong idea by formally requesting they get together for a cocktail. Plus, they don’t really have to go to that trouble. Plenty of women are perfectly okay with “hanging out” or “meeting up for a drink.” These women don’t get caught up in the protocol.

I think something else playing a part in all of this dating ennui on the guy’s end is that some women are just way too demanding.  Nothing is ever good enough.  A request to upgrade from drinks to dinner is almost expected. Some men just choose to stick with the women who are happy to grab a drink and “hang” because they’re less of a hassle.  Other guys use the “let’s hang” suggestion as a test. They expect an upgrade of some kind. But if she crosses a certain line, she’s out.

I don’t think men’s ability to ask women out has atrophied in some way. I  think they’ve altered how they ask women out in order to gauge her expectations.

Thoughts?

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Article Round Up: OK Cupid, Fetishists & “Fatties”

April 4, 2013 by 35 Comments

Great post over at XOJane about how free some people feel to fat shame women and the various weight categories users have to choose from when creating a profile.

From the article:

Dick laughed at these and said, “My biggest problem so far has been with the stealth fatties.” Chortle, chortle.
His reference, of course, was to women looking thinner in their picture than in real life. An injustice beyond measure, I would surely agree. 


“That’s not nice,” I said, refusing to play it polite till the end of the date and just never see him again. Not only was his joke mean, the man was 35 years old and using the word “fattie.” 
“Well, it’s not a nice thing to do to a person!” he said. He looked dead serious as he said that to look one way in a picture and show up looking different is genuinely unkind. 
Overweight women are aware that they are not thin, they are reminded of it every day by “well-intentioned” co-workers and sinisterly intentioned advertisers. The potential for outright ridicule is way too high and I simply can’t believe that any overweight woman has actually done this unless as part of some daring social experiment to see just how terribly things would go.
I chimed in and shared my experience with the author. When I was at my heaviest, 190 lbs, I actually chose “Fit” as my body type. Yes, seriously. A man or woman can live in denial for a very long time about their weight. Well meaning-friends will use words like husky, curvy or voluptuous to describe their overweight friend’s shape. And believe it or not, what we see in the mirror isn’t necessarily what others see. It can literally take years for people to realize that they people they’re meeting from Match or OKCupid  walk away feeling intentionally deceived. Once you’re aware that something about your appearance is a possible detractor, you learn how to filter out the folks who probably won’t be attracted to you.
For example, OKCupid has a series of questions that users can answer in order to help them have higher match rates with potential dates. One of them goes something like:
If your ideal match were overweight, would that be a deal breaker?
There are a few possible responses.
  • No
  • Yes, but only if they were obese
  • Yes, even if they were slightly overweight
Any time I read a profile of someone who answers that question, I feel several levels of embarrassment if they choose, “Yes, even if they were slightly overweight.” Even though I don’t currently carry much extra weight and am in pretty good shape, I still wouldn’t respond to someone who selected that answer.  That response, to me, translates as, “Skinny girls only. No fatties.” Next. Those questions not only can reveal someone’s true intentions, but you can also glean from their responses if they’re insensitive assholes with fratboyish humor.
Another question users can answer is:
Can overweight people sexy?
I believe the responses include:
  • Yes
  • No
  • Sometimes
  • Always
If someone were to choose “Always” I’d immediately think they fetishize plus-sized people. Something else that gives me pause is if someone selects “Fuller Figured” as their ideal match’s  body type. I want someone who likes my body, but I don’t want someone who looks at my body or me as some kind of experiment.
I recently did this online experiment via okcupid where I changed my size from “overweight” few pounds overweight, however you wanna categorize it to “average,” just to see the difference responses I would get.
I found that when I was listed as Overweight, I received a lot of responses from men, the majority of which were only looking for NSA and Kinky sex. When I switched back to Average a month later, I got just as many responses, but the majority were interested in actual dates..very few made ice-breaker sexual innuendos or the cliche’d pseudo compliment that I fucking hate: “You’re pretty cute…for a big girl.” Some of the men actually double-mailed me, even though I had the SAME picture, and it was like they went from Dr. Gentleman Jekyl, to Mr. Horn Dog Hyde, all because my weight “fluctuated” two size brackets on some dumb dating profile.  I’ve never felt more like a Fetish in my entire life than I do on some of these “dating” sites.
This comment is spot on. I’ve said in the past that women should select their body type as Average and post recent full body shots. There are two reasons for this. First, by selecting a body type like Average the user will come up in more searches. Second, opting to identify as “Overweight” or “A little extra” gets you on the radar of all the fetishists. Especially on OKCupid. I get at least one or two messages a week – no exaggeration – from men who want me to walk on their backs while wearing my stilettos. Choosing certain descriptors or including specific keywords absolutely draws the kinksters. At one point I described my hair as “kinky.” Boom. I started getting emails from guys looking for BDSM or casual sex.  Be warned.Words like sensual, kinky, open-minded, fetish and even sexy might bring certain types of people to you. Go through your profile and see if you have any adjectives in it that might have double meanings or innuendo attached to them.
Another point I made was that the high schoolish cruelty expressed by the people the author met was not exclusive to men. Women are equally guilty of cracking on a man’s height or hairline. Though I think we have better social aptitude and know never to say that to our dates. But to our friends? Oh yeah, we’re pretty cruel.
Why do men and women say these sorts of hurtful things? Well, for starters, they feel duped and though someone wasted their time. While in some cases that’s true, often times someone either genuinely has no idea that they aren’t really 5’8″ or carrying ” a little extra.” Then there’s the fact that everybody has their own personalized definition of the body type descriptors. Some people might think that “Fit” should only be used to describe bodies of a certain size or weight. For me, it’s about muscle tone and fitness level. Hence why I identify as Fit.I post a full body shot in my profile, plus a few that show off my legs/muscle tone so that people can see that I do what I can to stay in shape. Personally, I think the photos are far more important than the descriptors. The descriptors are for search purposes only. They get people to your profile. Your photos are what encourage them to contact or respond to you.

As I have explained before, online dating is about transparency. If you keep your pictures up to date and post clear and accurate shots, you’ll lower your risk of having several “great” first dates that lead to nothing.

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Would You Use Someone For A Free Meal/Sex?

March 24, 2013 by 34 Comments

XOJane published yet another article that showcases the distorted rationalizations that many people lean on when acting like assholes. Read it, then let’s discuss both the article and the following quote:

All women engage in this.  And, every guy you know is doing the same thing – dangling the possibility of commitment to women in order to get sex.  People are selfish.  Sure, it’s socially inappropriate to admit to doing it (and dumb if you’re announcing to thousands of readers non-anonymously on the Internet) but doesn’t mean everyone is not doing it. Men are far more guilty of this than women, I think.  They will have sex with a woman with no intention of it leading to anything knowing the woman wants more.  Women dangle the possibility of sex to get other things.  I don’t think it’s always about free meals.  In my experience that is rare.  But it’s about getting something.  So everyone is guilty. – DMN

 

I let you guys discuss the finer points of DMN’s feedback. I agree that both parties are using the promise of something they know the other covets to get what they want. So there really isn’t much difference in what this woman did versus what many men do in an attempt to get laid.

Of course the minute this story went live it became Reddit/MRA fodder. She’s a dinner whore, she’s a prostitute, blah blah blah. The men complaining reveal nothing other than they were suckers once, too. The author of the essay is rationalizing her decision to use men for free meals by deflecting and pointing the finger at men. That’s to be expected. As I said in one of my comments in that article’s thread, I’m tired of men and women trying to avoid responsibility by  re-directing attention to similar behavior of the opposite sex. Stop doing that. 99% of the time, both genders are wrong so you’re not really helping your argument. It becomes a circular conversation where one side attempts to bait the other into responding. Nothing gets accomplished and the cycle of resentment is perpetuated.

Not only did she demonstrate poor judgment for using men for free meals, but she proved she still makes questionable choices by writing about it non-anonymously on the internet.  The only real difference between her and the men she is comparing herself to is that the majority of those guys would never publicly admit to behaving so heinously. Why? Because a) it would interfere with their game and b) they know it’s wrong. That doesn’t stop them from doing this, of course. They keep it to themselves so that they – along with their male peers – can continue the ruse should they choose to use it. They are not only looking out for themselves but for their bros. I think the opposite is true for women who share these revelations in a public forum. They’ll say they’re doing it warn other females or balance out various injustices, but are they? Are they really?

EDITED TO ADD: I honestly think women publicly share stories that make them sound as though they are far more successful/no-nonsense/sexually desirable than other women. For example: the woman who wrote the XO Jane piece implies she got steak and lobster dinners from men she met off OK Cupid and Craigslist. Really? REALLY?? Because all the guys who can afford to blow a couple hundred on a first date dinner all cruise….Craigslist? Please. That was written strictly to generate jealousy from the female readership and imply that men found her so attractive that they freely and gladly opened up their wallets for her.

While many females like to speculate that men behave poorly,  the evidence that women actually do appears to be piling up on the internet. Not only do articles like this make the subject look bad, they make all women look bad. It seems like every day there’s another piece of evidence  cropping up that incriminates us in the form of personal memoir writing. The question is: why? Aren’t we better than this?

Nobody in this digital age, where Googling first dates is expected, could possibly think publishing this story was a good idea. The XO Jane piece was framed as though it was an act of contrition, but it wasn’t.  I think it was shared because the author was proud of what she did. Only someone pleased with themselves would write a story like this under their own name and post photos. The decision to go public with this is what will haunt her. Having to defend and explain why she wrote this will be her penance.

 


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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Dating, Dating & Finances, Nice Guys, OKCupid, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Why Some Men & Women Don’t Trust Bad Girls

March 21, 2013 by 7 Comments

Check out my latest post for Role/Reboot.

For whatever reason, society feels the need to explain why a woman is “bad.” People go looking for the root cause of her scandalous ways rather than just accepting her as is. A man’s aggressive or inappropriate behavior is often brushed off with simple explanations like “boys will be boys.” The analysis stops there. A woman who doesn’t conform to societal standards—especially sexual ones—is often considered some kind of puzzle that needs solving. Men and women do what they can to decipher her behavior. If they fail at that, then the next best thing is to paint her as damaged goods. Like most prejudices, fear and ignorance compel people to mistrust her and place her judgment into question. If she can’t be solved, then she must be shamed. Read the rest here.

Leave your comments over on Role/Reboot!

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Sex & Vulnerability: How Much Is Too Much And What Are The Risks?

March 14, 2013 by 39 Comments

So, this article went up on The Frisky today and my head exploded.

 

We were fucking, he pulled out of me, and I saw his sperm on my pubic hair. ”You just came inside me?” I said, panicked. “Why didn’t you tell me first?” I hadn’t consented to him doing that. And I wouldn’t have consented to it had he announced he was going to come instead of just silently going ahead and doing it.

“Aren’t you on the pill?” he replied by way of response.

“No, I’m not on the pill,” I said.

He looked at me pained. “I just came inside a girl who is not on the pill?”

“Yeah, you did. Why didn’t you ask me if I was on it if you were going to come inside me? I thought you were going to pull out.”

“I just assumed you would be on it.”

Okay. What is this fuckery?

I’ll only briefly touch on the kink aspect to this story. Whether two people are engaging in kink or good o’ missionary vanilla sex, there are always risks involved with going home with someone you don’t know very well. Hell, there’s risks all around at various stages of a relationship. I have a friend who went home with a guy she met on Match. They were having sex and – out of nowhere – he slapped her across the face. It wasn’t as harsh as it sounds. He was obviously testing the waters since they had discussed their mutual interest in kink. Her initial reaction was shock and then anger. The guy quickly apologized and said he thought she had said she had experience with that and liked it. There was not another date.

Since I’ve made my opinions of first date sex quite clear, it should come as no surprise to any of you that I’ve had sex on a first date. I have been lucky that I have never experienced anything like what my friend or Jessica experienced. I could go on about my insight and intuition and all that, but nothing is ever fail-proof. I have been lucky. When I have delved into kinkier activities, it has always been with someone I have been dating – casually or seriously – for a significant amount of time. I mentioned the Too Many Cocks guy, yes? I made it quite clear that I had no intention of fulfilling whatever desire he had with someone I barely knew. There was no second date.

Communication is a key part of sex and intimacy. You can never take it upon yourself to believe that you know exactly what a person’s boundaries are or that you and they are on the same page. You need to ask and you need to listen and you need to respect said boundaries. That applies to hook ups on the first date or ones that happen after dating several months. I’ve frequently questioned Jessica’s actual experience level with BDSM and kink. To me, it sounds like she was with someone who had more experience than she did. You can never assume that you and your partner have even close to similar sexual histories. These things need to be talked about before you try something new.

And at some point in the evening as the pain he was inflicting on me hurt worse and worse, I used his safeword: “Pineapple!” He stopped spanking me, like he should have. We did other things. But later on that night, he started smacking my butt again. I felt so sensitive there that I wasn’t enjoying it — it wasn’t “good pain.” Come to find out the next day when I looked in a mirror, I had a constellation of small bruises all over my ass: three on one butt check and one on another. Because of the position he had been holding me in, this man most certainly saw those bruises. My safewording should have been the indicator to ease up the

Jessica is demonizing this guy, and after reading the piece a few times, I’m not sure why. Initially I read this and felt the guy was disregarding her stated boundaries. Then I read it again. And again. When she asked him to stop, he stopped. They engaged in a brief exchange about their individual definitions and uses for a safeword, and that’s somehow construed as violating her. That was a conversation they should have had before they even took their clothes off. Then she stayed overnight because..wait for it…she wanted to have sex with him? What the whating what?  It was written as though the guy was trying to somehow coerce her, and I’m not sure that’s what actually happened.

For the people who will say things like, “This is why you don’t have sex on a first date!!” I’ll just say this: I think it’s precious that you think that renting space on the moral high ground means anything to anyone other than you.

Now for the other issue concerning birth control. I was really livid as I read the exchange Jessica had with this guy after he ejaculated inside of her. I do not agree – at all – that it’s the man’s job to ask if a woman is on The Pill. I think both people are supposed to take a breath and exchange some vital information such as testing history, relationship status, who has condoms and what other birth control methods are being used. While the guy was an ass – and an obvious idiot – I don’t think it’s fair to paint him as The Bad Guy in this particular part of the situation. I’m actually shocked that an adult male would make any assumptions about birth control given the possible consequences. Guys, allow me to clear something up: regardless of whether a woman says she can’t get pregnant or it’s a safe time or whatever, wrap it up. While she may genuinely believe these things, nothing is 100%. Don’t use any opportunity to go without a condom. And definitely don’t blame the woman should something actually happen. You were there, too. Not every woman is out to trap you so they can get a piece of your $150K a year salary.

Then, of course, there’s the STD factor, which I know a lot of people are going to address, so I won’t bother.

Finally, there’s the question of why she ever revealed any of this at all. The issues of boundaries once again rears its head. No, she’s not brave or raw or honest. That’s something else women need to stop. Writing this was foolish. Now that I’m getting work writing for other sites, I realize how popular and in demand the personal essay/narrative type pieces are. You can write such stories and self-edit and still offer a take away value without making yourself so vulnerable.  I wish we’d stop encouraging women to reveal so much before they’re truly emotionally mature enough to handle the possible fall out.

The biggest issue for me concerning this post – and frankly most posts that women bloggers write about their love and sex lives – is the total lack of accountability in the outcome. Yes, a lot of them acknowledge that they made mistakes. But then, just as quickly, they remind the reader of how awful the guy is. You know. Just in case they forgot. It’s almost always 100% exclusively the guy’s fault in every aspect. If a woman has a rocky dating history or struggles to keep a guy interested, it’s never because she makes bad choices. It’s because the men “tripped her up.” While we have all, at one time or another, willfully chosen to ignore red flags, there’s only so many times you can do that before your judgment comes in to question. One commonality that I notice in all of these articles is the air of experience these women try to convey, yet at the same time by sharing so much they actually reveal how inexperienced they really are.

I’m so tired of this passive role so many women are willing to take when it comes to their love lives. Everything appears to happen to them, implying that they don’t have any control or say in how things work out. They’re victims of men, yet they’re still empowered and self-sufficient and refuse to settle and have standards, dammit.

Sorry, but you ladies simply can’t keep trying to have it both ways, if for no other reason than you’re inevitably going to lose out on the very thing you claim to want. If everybody keeps passing you by and getting closer and closer to their goal while you sit there struggling, it’s not fate or destiny. It’s you.

 

 

SHAMELESS PLUG: Check out an essay I wrote for The Gloss. I’m actually quite proud of, as it discusses how my opinions of being single vs. being married have evolved over the past year. Like it, Tweet it & comment..please?

Can You Be Single And Still “Be Alive?”

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Birth Control, casual sex, Dating & Trust, Dating Blogger Drama, Dating In a Big City, First Date Sex, Kinky, Online Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Can You Be Single And Still “Be Alive?”

March 14, 2013 by 4 Comments

Here’s an essay that wrote for The Gloss:

I have a playlist on my phone labeled “Story of My Life.” Included on this list are songs that I’ve always found to encapsulate various tipping points in my life. One of these songs is “Being Alive” from the Stephen Sondheim musical Company. The musical follows Bobby, a life- long bachelor in his mid-thirties, and his married friends. Bobby struggles with deciding what it is he wants for himself in terms of love and commitment. While at his surprise birthday party, and after the constant pressure from his friends to settle down, Bobby has an epiphany.  He sits at the piano and begins to explain to his friends, through song, why he’s so ambivalent about love. As he lists his excuses for why he continues to bounce from woman to woman, his friends chime in with their rebuttals.

You’ve got so many reasons for not being with someone, but Robert you haven’t got one good reason for being alone.

 

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How The Fake Reach For Your Wallet Can Backfire

March 12, 2013 by 23 Comments

Here’s a two-fer for Tuesday!

First there is this story from The Frisky about a woman who went on a date and the guy forgot his wallet.

The check arrived and I began my elaborate routine of digging through my purse to look for my wallet while waiting for him to stop me because he’d inevitably insist on paying. That’s just the dance of the first date. But I truly wanted to pay for half, so I’d offer that and insist and we’d see where the chips fell on the floor of this wine bar, so to speak. My purse digging routine went on for a while and he said nothing to shoo me away from searching for my wallet. Rather, HE spent an inordinate amount of time digging through his jacket pockets and emptying their contents onto the bar: his apartment keys, his iPhone, his ear buds. Each item was carefully and deliberately pulled out of the pockets as though he were a prosecutor presenting his evidence to the jury. He walked me to my apartment where we hugged goodbye as he said that the next date would be “on him” and I thought, There’s not going to be another date. And sure enough there wasn’t—no worthwhile follow up from him, no suggestion of another date. And that was just fine with me.”

I’m on the fence as to whether he actually forgot his wallet or if he just likes to test women. A woman replied to my comment suggesting maybe he was telling me the truth by saying that there didn’t seem to be enough “groveling” on the guy’s part for him to be sincere. Apparently, a virtual stranger is expected to grovel and beg for forgiveness for making a mistake.

Here’s where I get suspicious. Earlier in the essay she says:

Conversation was good, but I wasn’t sure whether or not a second date was in our future, so when the check arrived I was going to see how he played it and, against the rules of my dad, I was planning to offer to pay for half. In my sophisticated and somewhat illogical hierarchy of principles, letting a guy who I’m not sure I’m interested pay for a first date is a worse offense than a guy I am interested in not offering to pay for a first date. I just never want to take advantage of anyone and that’s how I’d feel if I had let him pay for everything with no assurance that we’d see each other again. So in this instance, I was ready and willing to go Dutch.

I guess my main issue with this is how dodgy the author seems to be. If she truly believed that it was inappropriate for her to allow a man she was on the fence about to pay, then how he “played” it would be irrelevant. Her decision would have been made already. This feels like a rationalization that borders on a fib. In order to protect her virtue and prevent people from accusing her of basically doing exactly what she’s implying the man was guilty of, she’s trying to insist that she’s not like “those other women.” Not saying he’s not a dick if he did intentionally forget his wallet. But let’s not act all doe eyed like we’re above The Con, mmkay?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Second article is this one from XOJane. To recap, the woman meets a guy abroad while she’s in Europe. Ten months later they’ve decided to move in together and move across the country to LA where he has taken a job. She gives up her life here in NYC and agrees.  I’m not questioning her decision. Yay for love and all that. My question is concerning what sort of security measures are put in to place to protect herself. Specifically, is her name on their lease or is it just his? As I’ve learned over these past 9 months dealing with the drama that has arisen due to my family being unable to find my Dad’s will, it’s never a good idea to leave certain things up to someone else. Especially when it comes to the roof over your head. Whether it’s a move across the country or simply moving in with someone who lives ten blocks away, is it ever as simple as taking your stuff and placing it somewhere else? What measures are in place to protect you should things go awry? How much would or should someone be willing to risk in a situation like this?

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Co-Habitation, Dating & Finances Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Yes, Casual Sex *Can* Lead to a Relationship

March 11, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Check out an essay I wrote for the gender issue website, Role Reboot.

To cast a wider net into the dating pool, Christan opted to list “casual sex” under her OKCupid preferences. She shares the (sometimes funny, sometimes helpful) findings of that experiment.

I have used OKCupid off and on for about three years. After a six-month relationship with a man I met on OKCupid ended, I took a brief break. When I came back I decided to shake things up a bit.

I updated my relationship preferences to include casual sex.

Read the rest here.

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Online Dating, Role/Reboot

Article Round Up: How Does Someone Determine How Attractive They Really Are?

February 24, 2013 by 43 Comments

I meant to write about this a couple of weeks ago. There was a great post on XOJane several days ago that focused on the sometimes awkward way men express their pleasure and dis-pleasure about a woman’s body. The essay reminded me of this comment left on my blog over the summer in response to the photo at left.

“I have to wonder why she is hiding her face in a glass of wine. insecure? Problem Drinker? Facially unattractive? From what I see, her forehead is about double the length of a normal female forehead, and so is her chin. Not sure if this is because of skeletal deformities or excess fat. Her eyelids are drooping somewhat, due to age or genes, but neck and hands look youthful if not a little plump.

Arms are way too chubby, and I can’t tell her true figure from the dress and the position she’s standing in, but I suspect her waist-hip ratio is about 0.8-0.9. I would assume she are wearing a lot of spanx to pull in her waist, based on her propensity to carry weight in her upper body. Breasts are too small in proportion to the rest of the body. They are also very far apart, which suggests a large ribcage and back.

Best features are the calves (beautiful), small hands and feet. Although, putting her small (chubby) hands near her face confirms that there is something disproportionate about the size of her head. I would need a picture of her in jeans and without an obscured face to give a better evaluation.

Since she has lost a lot of weight recently, and at the age I think she is (44-48?), her skin will not be so elastic. Although slender is the ideal, I would prefer a fatty who fills her skin than a chubb who is covered in loose skin around her stomach.

Curly hair? As long as its long, healthy and bouncy then I don’t care about the color or texture. The OP needs to grow her hair a little longer as I think her afro look does not suit her, since she is a ruddy-cheeked chubby woman.

If I saw this picture on a dating site, nothing would make me contact the OP, even if she was DTF in that nice apartment and willing to pay for my dinner, drinks and blow all night, then drive me home in the morning.” – Daniel

 

Then there was this a few weeks ago:

Moxie lost this argument. When she has no defense she brings up PH balance and says since I dont know this, I dont get close to a vagina. Maybe its hard for her to reach hers because her size 10 gut is in the way. More evidence she rarely gets close to a gym. – John

 

Not to be outdone in the “who can embarrass themselves more when dissecting women’s looks, men or women?” contest, here’s a woman’s opinions on my body and looks:

You aren’t a 6-7. you are a solid 3-4. Slightly less than average. You are an overweight, 45 year old chick who believes she is higher – you aren’t. sorry. I am not 100% wild about my prospects either, so I get it.Time to get with reality, fat chick who is also over the hill! (I am over the hill too though… :/) – Vox

Mind you, I’m not naive enough to think that if I post a photo of myself in a tight dress I’m not going to get commentary of all kinds, including negative feedback. Comments like Daniel’s and Vox’s are par for the course when you put yourself out there publicly. Men who say such things will want to take you down a peg, lest you get too big for your britches. Women who make such comments just want to hurt you so you don’t some how surpass them or succeed where they failed. Both just want to put a woman “in her place” and subdue her.

The bigger issue, to me, is whether or not people should allow the opinions of others to dictate how they feel about their own bodies. Are we capable of ever really seeing ourselves objectively?

Here’s an interesting excerpt from a great Frisky article I read this morning.

I stayed in bed almost until I left. Why did I spent the rest of the night with one partner? Well, my paddling friend was absolutely rapturous about my ass. I have an otherwise slender frame with large, pear-shaped hips/ass and weight gain tends to show just on my stomach. Even though I love my curves on my boobs and butt, I’m less enthused about my belly.  But he didn’t see that: he just saw curves, curves, curves everywhere and made me feel like I have an amazing body.  He couldn’t keep his hands off my ass and hips — and I lapped up the attention. In my normal  day-to-day life, I have mean Internet commenters telling me a couple times a week that I’m fat or unattractive. Those are the poison darts stuck inside my brain. I don’t walk around thinking, I have a great ass. I walk around thinking, Who’ll be able to see past by belly?

While I found the story itself intriguing, what I took away from it was how the reactions and responses from other people seemed to shape how the author felt about her own body and attractiveness. Like I said above, there are always going to be people who voice their opinions if you put certain things out there. Whether you’re naked in the emotional sense on the internet or naked in the physical sense at an orgy, there can be this overwhelming sense of vulnerability involved. Having a tenuous grasp on how you feel about your own body can be dangerous in either situation.

There is also the risk that someone might place too much importance on or give unwarranted credibility to feedback that comes from people who want to wound or seduce you. As I’ve said before, I find most compliments and critiques from strangers to be strategic or disingenuous. That’s only because I think I have an accurate and objective view of my attractiveness and know my audience. I don’t seek out opportunities to have my self-esteem brutalized by a stranger. I also don’t listen to the comments of randos on Facebook or the internet or OKCupid.

None of that is real. Not the positive. Not the negative.

It seems the question is: how does a person determine how attractive they really are?

Does it come from within?

What sort of feedback and reactions are genuine?

How much do the opinions of others matter?

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