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How Do You Date When You Don’t Have a Job?

January 27, 2013 by 13 Comments

Name: Greg
Age: 29
State: NY
Question: I have what is sometimes referred to as an ‘invisible illness’, a disability that is not obvious at a glance, and I receive government benefits due to my inability to work. People will generally have no idea I have a health issue unless I tell them, so my question is, how do I deal with this in terms of dating?

Often times the question of work will come up, and I’m never sure how to reply. Should I be up front when the issue comes up? Should I wait to get to know the person for a bit, and if so how long? If I were to make an online dating profile, should I disclose this right on the page? I don’t want to be dishonest, but I also don’t want to give the wrong impression or seem as if I’m just blurting out personal information willy-nilly.

Any advice on how to handle this?

MOXIE’S EDIT: He has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_fatigue_syndrome

If you’re unemployed for whatever reason, you should probably mention that in your profile. That is one of those topics that you really can’t fudge. If you don’t mention it you’ll look deceptive in some way. Then, when you do reveal it, your date will assign some nefarious and shady reasoning for why you didn’t tell her. She’ll make far worse assumptions about you other than you don’t have  a job.

I’m toying with the suggestion that maybe you should say that you’re financially self-sufficient but not check off anything as a specific career type. Only when you engage in an email exchange should you expand on this. Your situation has to be revealed before too much time and energy is invested.

It’s not that a woman cares what exactly a man does to make a living. Some women do. The ones who will only date a man in a certain field should be avoided anyway. So at least you’ll weed them out. What most decent women care about is that you support yourself and could possibly support them should things progress. Yes, that’s how far women think into the future when reviewing a profile. She’s calculating in her head how you and she will be able to buy a home together and afford to have her leave her job to stay home and raise your children. It’s crazy, but it’s how some of us do.

The reality is that if you are not in a position to support a family, even just you and her, then that means you have to go for women who either don’t want children/marriage, are divorced and not looking to marry again or don’t mind being the breadwinner. Yes, that is going to limit your options. Better that than going on a ton of dates that go nowhere and getting frustrated. You’re probably going to have to widen your age range, too.   I’m not going to tell you to wish upon a star and hope someone will love you for who you are because that’s a crock. If you don’t bring to the table an impressive level of financial security, you’re going to be ignored by a hefty portion of the female population. It sucks, but it is what it is. You are not going to Norma Rae your way out of this by trying to change the system.

Revealing an illness, even an invisible one, is going to make you appear weak and flawed. I tend to think women are more turned off by that than men. Women expect men to be “strong” in various areas, including health and physical ability. You can maybe say that a health situation has sidelined your career and that you’re thankful that you’ve still been able to maintain a secure and stable life. You have to make this sound as positive as possible.

It’s important to paint the right picture of your life and lifestyle. Ok, so you don’t go to an office or work full time. What do you do, if anything? Do you volunteer? Do you work part-time? Do you have hobbies? What does a day in your life look like? That’s what you have to share in your profile. You do not want to make yourself appear like you’re a shut in or live in a plastic bubble. If you’re active enough to be able to date regularly, that needs to come across in your profile.

(Contact me and I’ll be happy to review whatever you write and give you a complimentary profile review session. )

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Dating, Dating & Career, Dating & Communicating, Dating & Finances, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How To Tell If They’re a Dating Liability

January 12, 2013 by 21 Comments

Name: Denny Laine
Age: 44
State: New York City
Question: I recently started talking with an OKcupid woman who I’ve been e-mailing with for a  week. Things were going great and we finally made an appointment to meet. Before hanging up though she said “Just to let you know, I just got out of a 10 year relationship.” I didn’t know what to say but “OK.”   I didn’t know what to make of that.  What did that have anything to do with me? With us? Shouldn’t we start out fresh when meeting possible mates? Should I admire her for having a relationship last that long? Or should I question her for ending a relationship that lasted a long time? Do I give myself 10 years with her to see if we would make a different kind of couple?  When I meet someone, I like to think we’re starting out fresh. I would answer any question they may have from “how long was your longest relationship?” to “why do you think it failed?” I would answer absolutely anything and everything and be totally honest. I understand it’s not about me, that she’s just trying to get a picture of what WE would be like in the future.  But I wouldn’t saddle anyone with something like that when first meeting them. Was that supposed to be a warning to me, a total stranger looking to see her in good faith, starting out fresh? Any thoughts?
Age: 44
State: New York City

Wow. Okay. First, slow down. You haven’t even met this woman an already you’re thinking in terms of “we.” You are over-thinking this, which is almost certain to lead to you psyching yourself out.

She told you about her break-up for two reasons:

1. Because she’s probably a bit of a mess and didn’t know not to say that.

2. To warn you that she’s a bit of a mess and that you shouldn’t get your hopes up.

Her lack of self-awareness will inevitably cause problems down the road.

Personally, someone like this would present a degree of difficulty that does not interest me. I’d bail.

I would answer any question they may have from “how long was your longest relationship?” to “why do you think it failed?” I would answer absolutely anything and everything and be totally honest.

You’ve written several letters to me complaining that you can’t seem to find a girlfriend and that women think you’re “too nice.” This is why. You have to understand that when women ask you these kinds of questions there’s a reason and it’s not just curiosity. They want to find things out about you to eventually use against you in some way. Women ask men these questions in an attempt to exert power over them. They’re trying to establish just how far they can push him. If you answer these questions in any kind of detail, you risk looking weak. That is what “too nice” actually means.

I understand it’s not about me, that she’s just trying to get a picture of what WE would be like in the future.  But I wouldn’t saddle anyone with something like that when first meeting them.

That’s where you’re wrong. You do not factor into why she revealed this bit of information. You’re right. Nobody should ever saddle a prospective date with something that personal. It’s inappropriate. She lacks the social skills needed to know that. That’s what makes her a liability. A ten year relationship? Did they ever marry? Were they engaged? The potential bad judgment surrounding that scenario abounds. My guess is that she’s not looking for a relationship. She’s just looking to get back on the horse and have dates so she can feel more attractive. Same goes for men who offer such revelations. Except they’re also looking to get laid, since that’s what truly convinces a man that a woman finds him attractive.

This is why people should skip all the chit chat and decrease the amount of communicating they do before actually meeting someone in person. Inevitably someone says something stupid or inappropriate. You have to remember that everything you say is being put under a microscope. That’s why you should avoid discussing, among other things,  dating/relationship history. That topic is a minefield and gives people far too much ammunition. The whole subject should be avoided until the two people have established a level of trust and intimacy. Let them get a first hand sense of who you are in a relationship before you tell them about who you were in other relationships.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating The Crazy, Don't Date 'Em, First Impressions, Happy & Healthy, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

The #1 Sign He Just Wants a Casual Hook-Up

November 19, 2012 by 43 Comments

Name: B
Age: 38
State:
Question: I had a first date with a man from a dating site on Friday evening.  Just drinks at a bar in town.  We had exchanged a few fun emails before arranging the date, so there was lots of laughter and joking at the date, and I thought it was going well.

In the middle of a conversation, he said “I think I’m going home alone tonight and having a good sleep” and I nodded.  He said “Is that all you’re going to do?  Nod?”  So I said I wasn’t sure how to respond to his comment, and we both laughed, then asked him what the correct reply was.  He changed the subject.  There was no red flag at the time, as everything  was said in a lighthearted tone.

We discovered that my mother is from the same small town as his father, and he said “Oh my father would be pleased I ended up with a local girl!” which I took to be a lighthearted joke.  We are also both interested in photography, and talked about our projects and exhibitions we have been to recently.

He asked me to accompany him to a gallery on Monday, and I told him that I had plans to go to a dinner party that evening.  He asked me to cancel and go with him  instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party, and I said it wouldn’t be possible at such short notice, and asked if he was available later in the week, but he changed the subject.

We held hands when he walked me to my car and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place, and I laughed, thinking he was joking, because it was 11:30 and we were both tired.

The next morning he texted to ask if I got home okay and I said yes, then I asked if he slept well, and got no answer.  Later on, I logged into the dating site, and he had copied and pasted an invitation to a special event at the gallery we talked about.  I said “Cool, I’m going!” then he replied and said he wasn’t going to go.

I’m feeling that I’m failing his tests.  I probably didn’t show him the level of physical affection he was expecting.   I’m confused because I always go dutch on dates, so there’s no pressure for the man to get a return on his “investment.”  What’s your take on the situation?

 

This guy wasn’t testing you. He just wasn’t interested beyond a casual hook up. Tests are normally used to determine if there is genuine interest. This guy didn’t care if you were interested or not. He was talking about future dates and making references to how his dad would be excited that he “ended up” with a local girl to give you the impression that he was really into you.

He wasn’t.  He was trying to get laid and he failed. Had you agreed to go to that gallery opening with him when he first asked, I guarantee you that he would have cancelled on you. He was trying to butter you up so you’d feel more comfortable going home with him. By the end of the date, he had exhausted all of his bush league tricks and just came out and asked you to take him home. When you said no it was game over for him. He was done trying. Don’t be fooled by the text the next day asking if you got home safely. That was just him investing in case he ever finds himself out of options.

It’s important to understand that a high percentage of the men that women meet online are just there to get laid. They’re not even looking to casually date someone. They’re looking for a straight-up one night stand. A one and done.  The tell tale sign of such a man? They try to force a false sense of intimacy of familiarity right away.

He asked me to cancel and go with him  instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party,

Okay. Let’s talk about the level of self-absorption that someone must possess to ever believe this is an appropriate request. These are the types of things that men do that should immediately make you suspicious of their intentions. This guy that you’ve only met once is so enamored of you that he wants you to cancel your plans or get your friend to reschedule a dinner party just so you could accompany him to a gallery opening? He couldn’t have, I don’t know, asked you out for a different night? He was feigning interest so that you’d be more willing to sleep with him. He’s thinking that, if you believe that a second date was already on the calendar, that you’d let your guard down. Sorry, but how desperate to get laid does a guy have to be to go to such lengths? Is it that hard for him to get some? That alone would have turned me off.

Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place, and I laughed, thinking he was joking, because it was 11:30 and we were both tired.

Women should never blame a guy for trying to get her to take him home. That alone does not mean the guy is just looking for a no strings hook up. Don’t automatically assume the guy is a lost cause of he does this. Isolated, this is not a bad sign. Combined with the “we” talk and atypical level of interest before the date is even over, and it doesn’t bode well.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, casual sex, Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

When Online Dating Goes Bad

November 15, 2012 by 31 Comments

Here’s an article that inspired this weeks #swexpert Twitter chat.

 

Over the space of about 2 weeks, I must’ve spent over 20 hours talking to this man. He told me about the death of his ex girlfriend Laura, his best friend Paul who was brain-damaged, an alleged affair he had with a popular daytime television presenter, the practical jokes played between him and his brother (including bricking up the front door and inviting a tramp round for Christmas lunch), I felt I knew everything about this man. And in return he knew about my job, my hobbies, my previous relationships, and I’m ashamed to say some skeletons in my closet. And looking back over our conversations now, for every hour on the phone, there was always one little seedy undertone. I can remember him casually slipping things like bra size, anal sex, contraception and even menstrual cycles into conversation. But because they were all anecdotal, or heavily embedded in the in jokes or the sensitive side of things, the alarm bells tinkled a little, but it was nothing I felt I couldn’t handle. These are topics that come up with friends, and after all this time, we were becoming friends, friends under a sort of pressure cooker intensity. But every time he tried to eek out something personal from me, my bra size, my views on contraception, my personal cycle, I would bat them away out of the park and he’d be left with nothing. Reading this back now, I feel sick to my stomach.  With the benefit of hindsight, I can see now that all this investment in me was for those tiny little seedy snippets.

Read the rest here.

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Awkward, Bad Dates, Beware, Dating, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Guy Who Is Too Good Looking To Be Dating Online

October 28, 2012 by 24 Comments

A profile review client shared a story with me yesterday that I thought would make for an interesting post.

Kim is 34, slender and very attractive. She works for a prestigious government agency. Her profile made her sound genuine, confident, positive and outgoing. She recently moved from DC to NYC and has since gone back to DC. When she was using OK Cupid here in Manhattan, she was emailed by a guy we’ll call Jay.

Jay was 35 and an actor. He was also strikingly handsome. He didn’t bother to fill out his profile at all. He just posted a series of photos, many that had obviously been used for a modeling portfolio of some kind.

On their first date, Kim and Jay met at a bar or drinks. Jay’s credit card was declined. His wallet had been stolen, he said, and he must not have called his credit card company to activate the replacement. On that date, Jay confessed that he didn’t give Kim his real last name. Concerned, Kim went home and paid for a background check on Jay. She discovered a list of petty offenses – DUIs and the like. She told Jay that, due to her job, she couldn’t continue to see him.

He told her he understood, but came back around a couple weeks later asking for a second chance. Kim gave him one. Their second date, Jay forgot his wallet and paid for their drinks with a $100 bill. A couple weeks later, Jay asked Kim for gas money. This was during the time that he claimed he was working on a film here in NYC with a well known, Oscar winning actor. They continued to date a handful more times before Jay disappeared on her.

During our session, Kim asked me if I felt there was something about her profile that made Jay think she was an easy mark. I told there wasn’t. Nothing in her profile set off any bells for me. I explained that the Jays of the online dating world contact anyone and work them the same way he worked her. That’s how they get by. Some women last for a few weeks. Some a few months. However, I said, the warning signs as to his intentions were quite clear from the get go.

He was an extremely attractive man using a free online dating site. (Yes, I know. A few of you will say that you consider yourself to be very attractive and use that site too. Congrats for hitting the genetic lotto and thank you for sharing. Glad I could afford you an opportunity to brag.) Add to that red flag the fact that he didn’t bother to fill out his profile. At all. Then there are all the photos of himself, some of which were professional shots. Jay is one of the “the rules don’t apply to me” people. He didn’t feel he had to fill out his profile. He was good looking enough that it didn’t matter. And look! He was right. Women replied to him despite having nothing on his profile other than some vanity shots. The people who feel that they are above following understood and accepted or even stated guidelines are displaying arrogance, laziness and a lack of genuine interest in the process as a whole. They do it because it works for them. Here was Kim, an intelligent, educated, attractive woman who worked for a government agency that specializes in sniffing out threats. And yet, despite all of her professional training, she not just missed but ignored the obvious warning signs.

Why?

Because he was really good looking. This guy dropped his bait into the sea of online dating with the intention of meeting a woman that he could con into paying his way. Because he’s arrogant, he assumed that all the women on online dating sites would be chomping at the bit to get a bite out of him simply because he was very attractive. If someone from a dating site emails you and one of your first thoughts is, “Why are they contacting me?” that should give you pause. You’re admitting to yourself that that person is out of your league. You will pursue it because you want to see if maybe, just maybe, you’re in a higher league than you thought. Like DMN said in a recent comment, clowns are everywhere online. But you have to learn the difference between the people who just aren’t terribly socially polished and the actual clowns. The people who text and email for days? They’re clowns. You can be upset at them all you like. The minute you decide to overlook their clownery, you become complicit in it and encourage them to continue this charade with other unsuspecting people.

This isn’t to say that all above average looking people who do online dating are shady. They’re not. Well, most aren’t. But the ones who don’t even fill out their profiles?  Yeah. They’re shady. Same goes for women who show similar tendencies. Just a bunch of shots of her looking sexy with a couple incoherent lines? Shady. A profile full of disclaimers about what she expects and how she wants a guy who makes a lot of money? Shady. The sad thing is that these people have success. Those men and women will get dates and find the saps that they seek. They know their market, and their market is most definitely online.

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, casual sex, Cheating, Dating, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The 3 Keys To Successful Online Dating

October 27, 2012 by 19 Comments

Last week I did a profile review for a woman. Before the session, she told me that she had done a decent amount of internet research and read over a series of customer reviews. Most of these reviews criticized online dating. She asked me my opinion of the various sites and said she wasn’t sure, based on the reviews, if she should bother.

In general, I tend to think that anybody who Googles customer reviews for online dating sites probably isn’t going to enjoy the experience. They’re looking for negative information, consciously or not. They have a specific idea in their head and they want to see that there are others who share such views. They want to be suspicious and overly-analytical. Much like the women who take seminars in how to find out if a man is a lying, cheating sociopath, they’re not really looking for information. They’re looking to find like minded people so they can all talk about how deceptive men are. That’s an example of confirmation bias in its purest form.

I was reading an article today about a new service that provides singles with an alternative phone number that they can have forwarded to their phone. The number is not connected to your personal information in any way.

On one hand, I get it. This way you can tell your date your name is Sally McSugarsnatch and they won’t be the wiser. But it also means that you can tell people that your name is Sally McSugarsnatch and nobody will be the wiser. Works both ways, you know?

I certainly understand the need for privacy. But, in my opinion, there’s a line of just how cautious one should be in order to have successful results. Scouring the internet for user reviews of dating websites is not going to turn up a ton of positive commentary. It’s rare that people who had a good experience with anything run to the internet to say so. It’s usually the more negative people who take that time. I can remember coming across a Yelp review of a supermarket in my neighborhood. The people were complaining about the skinny aisles and lack of corn muffins.  You would have thought someone shot their dog they sounded so personally offended. And forget about blogs of columns about dating. Most of them are going to focus on the negative because that’s a better read. (And because most people who regularly write about their personal lives are effing trainwrecks of epic proportions.) You don’t want to go in the other direction, either. (Dear D-Man…you’re an idiot.) Hand out your personal info to people willy nilly, like oh say, a lacking in boundaries dating columnist and you’ll be used as fodder and named and shamed. And yes, D-Man, I know you don’t see it that way. That’s the problem.

Then we have the grisly story here in NYC about the “Cannibal Cop.” Turns out, he had an OKCupid profile. Here’s a good example of how Google can not save you if someone is intent on causing harm. A woman who agreed to meet him would have not discovered one thing through a Google search. There was one red flag in his profile. A big one. He lists his status as “Seeing Someone” and posts a number of photos of himself on his profile. That’s not someone looking to cheat. That’s someone who doesn’t care that people know he’s cheating and doesn’t care if he gets caught.  There it is: arrogance, entitlement, lack of remorse. Done and done. Buh bye. Next. No Google required. You didn’t even have to read past the profile headline.

You can’t be looking for monsters at every turn if you want to meet someone. You can not be waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time.

Disappointment and deception are now all part of the process.

  • You’re going to hear from people that don’t interest you.
  • You’re going to meet people who just want sex or free meals.
  • You’re going to meet someone you really, really like who fades on you. Probably after sex.
  • You’re going to meet someone who has a partner.
  • You’re going to meet someone who lies about their weight, height or age.
  • You’re going to meet someone who tells you they’re not looking for a relationship.
  • You’re going to meet someone who texts you non-stop but never gets around to meeting you.
  • You’re going to meet someone who is socially awkward.
  • You’re going to meet someone who is “crazy.”

If you can’t handle the thought of encountering any of these people, and expect things to go smoothly and require minimal effort, then take down your profile and close up shop. Online dating takes patience, effort and a serious level of detachment. You have to learn how to not care about any of it. At some point:

  • Everybody gets blown off.
  • Everybody sends out messages to people and don’t get many replies.
  • Everybody gets the “you’re hot” messages.
  • Everybody gives out their number and never gets a call.
  • Everybody meets someone who says they want a relationship, but they really don’t.

As long as you’re getting a date or two here and there each month, you’re doing okay. Don’t expect to fill your calendar off the bat. That’s a misconception. Remember, people who write about dating need something to write. Many of those dates they accept, they accept to have fodder.

You also need to learn how to prevent these things – these experiences that are inevitable – from happening over and over again. To do so you need to be cautious when you encounter the following:

1. Lack of timely response to communications -  Anybody that takes more than 24 hours to respond to you, only responds late at night/early in the morning or never suggests a specific time/date to meet should immediately be flagged.

2. Turning the tables - I once had a guy that I was emailing with back and forth for a week. He rated me highly, I replied, he replied, I replied…then nothing for 2 days. It then took another 3 days to exchange two messages between us. I sent him my number. He sent me a text 24 hours later. He said he was out of town and would return Monday. Then he signed off with, ‘Have a great weekend.” I didn’t reply. Within 4 hours, he emailed me through the site expressing light-hearted dismay that I hadn’t replied to his text. Delete. Block. No time.

3. No follow through - If you have to chase someone down to confirm plans, they aren’t that interested. If they say they’ll contact you and don’t, block ‘em.

Don’t be scared off because they choose to get offline quickly. You have to be willing to jump right into the fire. You have to be. Should you accept a date at their apartment? No. But an invitation to meet for a drink after exchanging all of 2 emails isn’t a death trap. If you’re one of those people who alerts all their friends where they will be and gives friends photos of your date..just because…then pick a public space during the day in order to feel someone out.

Stop analyzing every aspect of the experience and just do it.

 

 

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Filed Under: Bad Dates, Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating Myths, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 10 Ways To Avoid Getting Stood Up or Blown Off On A First Date

October 24, 2012 by 6 Comments

A profile review client emailed me the other day. She and a man from OKCupid had been trading emails and made plans to meet on Sunday night.

She showed up at the assigned location and waited. And waited. Her date never showed up. She sent him a text message telling him she arrived and the bar where they agreed to meet but didn’t see him so she left. He didn’t reply.

I’m not sure how, in this day and age, being stood up is still a thing. There are various ways for people to back out of a date that won’t result in an angry tirade. I’d hate to think that some people actually get a thrill out of staking out at a place and watching someone become undone as the time ticks by and their date doesn’t show up. More than likely, most people who think they were stood up actually weren’t. Either times and wires got crossed or their date arrived and turned on their heel and left without ever announcing their presence.

Since I’m not one to ever, ever, EVER take anything at face value, I didn’t immediately assume the guy intentionally chose to screw my client over. More likely, these two made tentative plans a few days before and neither one of them confirmed the date the day of. Or the guy did show up, looked at her and decided to bail.

That’s what happened to this girl.

Her date claims to have arrived, determined she was “larger than expected” and left. Stay classy, bro.

In any case, as this blogger said, being stood up is one of the perils of online dating. So here are some tips to avoid having it happen to you.

1. Post accurate, clear, recent photos - If you have to, ask your friends if your photos accurately represent what you look like. Avoid using too many professional photos. You might think that these photos are accurate, but most aren’t. The lightening and angles can be misleading. If you’re on the heavier side, post a full on body shot from the mid thighs up. No angles! You should be standing in the photo. No sitting down. Do not use photos where you’re wearing hats or sunglasses. No shots of you in a coat or jacket, either. The best photos are ones where you’re wearing a lighter color on top than the bottom. Trust me. If someone is looking for an excuse to justify showing up and leaving, they’ll take it. If your photos are misleading, people will bail.

2. Confirm the date the morning of the date - You should never just show up at a location without having received confirmation. A lot of people will assume that, since you did not follow up with them or they you, that the date is canceled.

3. Make sure that you both have the hours of operation,  correct name and address of the chosen meeting place- Never assume that someone will automatically know or recognize the spot you’ve chosen. If you decide to meet on a corner or specific block, send your date a text that tells them what shops or landmarks are in the vicinity. I am direction-challenged. When someone says “northwest corner” I’m clueless. When you get to the assigned block, send your date a text saying you’re there and are looking for them. That way there is no confusion. If you choose to meet at a bar, send your date the exact address and possible cross streets. Also send a link to the bar’s website. Most sites post accessible subways, trains, highway exits to take, etc. Double check that the bar will be open! If people are driving, make sure to include the zip code of the location so they can plug the location into their GPS. Between traffic and subway delays, I’d bet that many instances where someone thinks they were stood up, they really weren’t. Their date was just stuck or lost.

4. Plan your commute well in advance, check the weather and include a 15 minute buffer - Don’t wait until the last minute to get the address and directions to a location.  Figure it out the day before so you know where you’re going and can give yourself enough time to get there. It’s funny how you can walk 5 blocks in 3 minutes when wearing sneakers but it takes over 10 minutes when you’re wearing those dirty hot new 4 inch heel boots you just bought. Fuggedabouit if it rains or snows. Your commute has just been doubled.

5. Announce your arrival 5 minutes before you arrive – Shoot your date a text to tell them you’re just around the corner. If you’re running behind, make sure to tell them that, too.

6. Make sure your date has your number and that you give it to them via email or text, not IM- If someone has to cancel or is running late, they should have an accessible way to pull up your info.

7. Give people enough rope to hang themselves -  If someone says they’ll text me to confirm a date, I allow them to do just that. If they don’t, I make other plans. If a guy tells me he’ll follow up on a specific day to confirm and doesn’t, I don’t go out with him, even if he follows up the next morning. Simple as that.

8.Avoid the “the rules don’t apply to me” people – Writing a self-summary is too hard, you say? Well, everybody else manages to do it and so can you. Stay away from the people who don’t want to adhere to the basic social guidelines involved with online dating. They should fill out a good portion of their profile, post at least 3 clear and recent photos and reply in a timely manner. If they take forever to reply or are always traveling or texting you incessantly, be warned. These people aren’t taking things seriously.

9. Remember that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is - I often see profiles on OKCupid that are clearly stock photos. Do a Google Image Search of the photo of that guy who has a glamorous career like international photo journalist or novelist who looks like he’s posing for a J Crew Catalog. If the photo looks like someone you’d see in an Eddie Bauer insert, it’s likely fake. People that attractive are not using online dating sites.

9. Never assume – The reality of online dating is that things can and often do change very quickly. Someone could be totally interested one day and smitten with someone else a few days later. Confirm, confirm, confirm.

10. If They Tell You They’re An Asshole, Believe Them - When I review profiles with people, I also review profiles of their dates or the people they find interesting. It’s shocking to me how people can read certain profiles and *not* know that these people are assholes. One woman, in her About Me summary, actually described herself as an asshole. The guy still wanted to ask her out. The people who come out and admit how difficult/damaged they are and who include information in their profile that makes your jaw drop are trying to sabotage themselves. Either that or they just don’t care and want to see who will be stupid enough to reply to them. Don’t waste your time.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Red Flags, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Man Who Proposes After 2 Months

September 16, 2012 by 12 Comments

Name: diana
Age: 40
State: boston
Question: I have some serious issues here, met a guy he is 48, i am 40, he seemed nice at beginning, sent flowers to my job, and a small gift it wasnt real or anything but he just wanted to send me something. well i went to meet this guy for first time, he lived in a small, very small studio,  we spent weekend just talking and gettin to know each other, i thought he was a nice guy, laid back,  i asked him where he was from, he said he came from jamaica 4 years ago, lived in florida then moved to VA with his brother, in florida he lived with others that were from Jamaica,  anyhow i didnt think much of it,  i went to see him twice, and both times he always bought up coming to my house and staying a week, i can go to work and leave him there he will be ok,  a red flag went up, because i was wondering why this dude wants to go to my house so fast, and stay a week, well i didnt answer,  finally i let him come, he stayed a week, but i stayed also, took vacation time, i dont leave anyone in my house alone,  well he pulls out these fake engagement ring,  and proposed, MIND YOU.. its only two months into the thing we had,  he proposed,  i said its to soon for that,  so i said yes just to see what happens next,  he started making dates, within 6 months he wants to marry, at justice of peace, and all this stuff,  then he ask me can he have 500 bucks because he behind on his rent,  then i had to pay his way twice to come see me,  once we went to station counter together, im thinking he gonna pay his own way, i already had my ticket,  well he pulls out his debit card and it was declined, no funds,  RED FLAG GOES UP,  he knew he had no money on that card when we was walking to the counter,  he knew he didnt, and he knew i would end up paying since we were there,  i peeped that one..  i paid, but i was heated. and he saw it,  I ask him how is he gettin paid,  he said he cant file taxes,  RED FLAG, i said WHY?   he said he dont have his papers,  RED FLAG,  i said what papers,  he said papers to be here in US,  RED FLAG!  he said he met a woman when he first got here, and married her after 7 months,  but when he asked her can he come live with her, she said NO,  he filed for divorce he said,  RED FLAG AGAIN,  i asked him why would someone he marry and suppose to be his wife say no to her husband living with her,  that didnt sound right!!!!!   then i notice he always yelling at me and its always his word and  my words didnt matter,  he never wanted to hear my side, he always say CONVERSATION OVER!  when he was done talking,  so cold hearted and mean i figured,  he yell at me and say HUSH.  once during sex, i said it hurts i dont want to put my leg there,  he said SHUT UP, and kept going hard,   ((sorry for puttin that in there but i had to tell it as it is)))  i also notice this dude belittling me saying i had no self belief and no self esteem,  i was full of shit,  and i asked him was he seeing someone  he went off on me badly,  and cursed me out.  then he says ,  we will marry but give him time, just be patient,  he will live in his place and i will stay at mine,  just have patience and let him take care of a few things and we will live anywhere i want together,  in my town or his,  RED FLAG,  i said to myself is this dude thinking im dumb, marry him, he stay in his place and me in mine,  then after he get his papers he dump me and divorce or something,  i am not sure how that stuff work,  he would get mad at me and stop speaking or answering my calls for a while,  then call and say TALK,  he is jamaican and i had a lil trouble understanding some things he say,  i never dated a jamaican before.    soon as i told him i decided not to marry,  he stop talking to me and wouldnt answer my calls or texts,  or return them,  so its clear he was using me to get his papers,   DAMN SHAME!   JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY STORY,  feel free to leave a word on it,  was i being used or not?

The truth is, Diana, you knew you were being scammed and you went along with it. Then, only when he decided to move on to another mark, you chose to feel vicitimized. The minute to accepted that marriage proposal, you became complicit in his deception.

And scene.

It’s okay to go forward with a situation even though your feelers might be jangling a bit. The purpose of seeing situations like this through to a point is to help you learn how to interpret your instincts. I’ve said this before. Rarely are our instincts wrong. It is how we decipher those internal warning signs that usually fails us. The main reason why so many people seem to stall at the same point in every relationship is because they’ve never followed through. They usually bail at the first sign of “trouble.” Or they do something that sabotages the relationship. Them when the person they suspected was “shady” disappears, they choose to believe that their instincts were correct. That’s how someone creates a false belief. It is those false beliefs that lead people down the wrong path.

The moment that the man in this story whipped out a fake engagement ring, that should have been all the confirmation Diana needed to know that he was up to something. Had she walked away then, she would have saved $500 and a portion of her dignity.

The problem I have with these stories is that most people – men and women -  ignore the fact that these stories almost exclusively come from people who display a myriad of issues and dating difficulties themselves. The listening audience doesn’t factor that very important bit of information into the big picture. Remember that the next time you hear or read a story like this.

Allow me to enlighten you. It’s very rare that someone who tells these tales of woe do so in order to help people. They tell these stories hoping people will join in and commiserate and/or congratulate them for being so smart/independent/savvy. I was recently moving furniture in and out of my apartment. As I stood outside waiting for my friend to come back from the store, a guy who was also hanging outside started to chat me up. Within ten minutes, I learned that his girlfriend had recently called off their engagement. Immediately a bell went off in my head. “Why is he telling me this?” I wondered. I politely declined when he asked for my number.

Develop a belief system and personal code that isn’t based on the distorted views and experiences of others. The mere fact that anybody would tell a story like the IP’s – publicly, no less – is a red flag in and of itself. Personally, I’d be embarrassed to admit to something like this. It’s one thing to turn to a trusted confidante. It’s a whole other ball of wax to share an experience like this with anybody who will listen.

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Filed Under: Bad Dates, Co-Habitation, Couple Conundrums, Critical Thinking, Dating, Douchey Guys, Dysfunction Junction, Red Flags

Beware The Hustler

August 9, 2012 by 28 Comments

Here’s an interesting story:

I met K. online earlier this year. I contacted him. He is an actor, 40 and “lived” in Brooklyn. We met once for drinks. Kiss good night at the end of the date and nothing more. He said he wanted to go out again and made tentative plans for the following weekend. I didn’t hear from him again after that and figured HJNTIM

A couple months later his profile popped up in my Activity feed. He had changed his location to Massachusetts. I did not contact him. A few months later I get an email from him through the website. His location had changed back to NYC. He never mentioned our date and neither did I. We made small talk and then he asked if I wanted to go out again. I said yes. We met for drinks a few nights later. He told me that he hadn’t been with a woman in a very long time because he was still getting over a break up from the year before. (?) He walked me home and asked to come upstairs with me. I said no because I had had a couple drinks and thought I would fall asleep. (That was the mostly truth.)  He stays in touch daily after that. He said he had to go home for a week but that he wanted to get together again when he got back. We make a date for the night after he gets back. A few hours before our date he emails me to tell me how excited he is to see me and how, if it was okay with me, he’d like to stay over.

I canceled the date.

Here’s why:

First off, the fact that he changed his location on his profile was odd. Changing it back a few months later was even more strange. I’ve said before that I don’t like dating transitional guys. Guys who are in between apartments, couch surfing, newly divorced/broken up, etc. To me, his living situation seemed too unstable. I still went out with him because I didn’t have the full story and figured I’d unravel the mystery eventually. As long as I wasn’t being asked to spend money on him or carry him in some capacity, I was okay with getting to know this guy.

Next was his sob story on the second date about how he hadn’t been with anyone in a while due to his past break up. Uh huh. As I said last week (and that post was partly inspired by this situation) someone who makes such a confession is either socially clueless or being strategic. Really? An above average looking guy of 40 living in NYC can’t get laid? Please. A comment like that is meant to lull the recipient into a false sense of security. Yes. I’m so sure that I’m different. Something about me makes this man want to peek his head out from under that shell and rejoin the word. Yeesh. How do women not smell that a mile away?

The third nail in the coffin was his request – before the date – to stay over. Now, I only  invite a man up to my apartment if both I plan on sleeping with him and feel comfortable with the possibility that he might stay over. Sorry, but to kick someone out after that is rude. If the guy wants to leave, that’s fine, but I would never ask someone to leave.

All along, my Spidey Senses were tingling about this guy. That growing hesitation was enough for me to pull the plug. I didn’t have to set any traps or Google stalk him. A little critical thinking goes a long way.

I replied to his email and told him that I didn’t feel comfortable having him stay over and wished him luck. He replied and said he was really looking forward to hanging out. I didn’t respond. No damage done.

My gut feeling was that this guy was more looking for a place to crash than anything else. I happen to know of a guy who does something similar, only he actually lives with his GF. He doesn’t pay rent, she takes him away with her on trips, usually pays his bar tabs, etc. He’s constantly crying poor though he recently started his own business. We recently gave me a sob story about how a client owed him a ton of money and that he had to go to a b-day party “where he couldn’t even afford to drink.” Um, stay home? It felt suspiciously like a request for a loan. I never replied to his email.

I don’t care how a guy supports himself. He just has to support himself. And, preferably, lives on his own if he’s over 30, but that is somewhat negotiable. I don’t care if he supports himself off an inheritance or investments or savings. Though I would prefer that he be doing something productive, even volunteering, with his time. It’s one thing to take some time off because you came into some money. I don’t think I could do that long term, for say more than a few months. I’d go crazy.

I could never date someone who wasn’t in some way pulling their weight or who was living off the hard work of other people.

Yet there are plenty of people who effortlessly and shamelessly do just that. The guy from my first story is likely cruising that website looking to cultivate a group of women to date so that, when he gets acting gigs in the city, he has a place to stay. My guess is he actually lives in Massachusetts and comes here for acting jobs. Swell. Get a shoebox apartment in East Harlem for $600, get a second job like every other actor on the planet, and pay your way.

People like this – and they come in both the male and female variety – are Hustlers. They basically leech off other people rather than pay their own way. They comprise a big part of the underbelly of dating in a big/expensive city that attracts dreamers and breeds spoiled rich kids.

Beware.

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Book, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Don't Date 'Em, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

This Is How To Get Past The First Date

August 7, 2012 by 49 Comments

Name: Cheerios
Age: 33
State: NY
Question: So here’s my latest dating gripe. A guy from an online dating site wrote me and immediately wanted to exchange numbers. I’m down for that since I’m a fan of meeting up as soon as possible to test the chemistry waters. We exchanged two emails, and then spoke on the phone. The guy called me at 10:30pm on a Monday night, though he did ask first if that was ok (being it was so late) and I agreed (maybe I shouldn’t have). We had about a 10 minute conversation at most, and from that short talk he determined we wouldn’t click. Really? Now we have a 10 minute window (on the phone no less- not even in person!) to make an impression??? The conversation was fine, a little awkward as most first phone calls can be, but nothing overly bad/good. I’m just so over the online thing. Everyone is so judgmental so quickly. Of course I’m wracking my head to think what I could’ve said that would’ve turned him off, but have no idea. He did notice I sounded tired on the phone (it was 10:30!), but we talked about where we grew up, went to college, a little about our jobs, about our birthdays, & that’s about it. Can’t figure it out.

 

Of course I’m wracking my head to think what I could’ve said that would’ve turned him off, but have no idea.

That’s because you probably didn’t say anything particularly offensive or off putting. Like I’ve said before…the phone step is just a way for people to find something wrong with someone so that they don’t have to meet them.

Here’s a very simple rule of thumb. People who want to meet people meet people. They don’t want to hop on the phone after two emails at 10:30 at night. You were being set up to fail.

He did notice I sounded tired on the phone (it was 10:30!), but we talked about where we grew up, went to college, a little about our jobs, about our birthdays, & that’s about it. Can’t figure it out.

So then you discussed nothing at all relevant or interesting? Gee, can’t figure out why he might have determined you were boring. I mean, other than he sounds like he has no conversation skills and has poor social skills himself. This is why the phone step is a waste and if rapidly becoming another red flag.

We had about a 10 minute conversation at most, and from that short talk he determined we wouldn’t click. Really?

Let me let you in on a little secret. This guy was never going to meet you. He truly believes that he’s interested in meeting someone, flexible and oh so engaging. In reality he’s a snooze who is afraid to meet people in person.

It’s funny. The people who bring the least to the table seem to have the most opinions, disclaimers and required steps. They think everybody is boring, weird, strange, etc. Nope. They’re just hoping people won’t stick around long enough to see all their warts.

Stop being so boring and uptight. Develop a personality. Have fun. Stop going into every date with a checklist and all these phony opinions you’ve developed. Case in point:

I am not recovery, however, I personally don’t like to drink, perhaps because I am the daughter of someone who went through recovery?  And also just don’t crave alcohol or find it enjoyable…and it seems it’s very hard to find men out there that don’t drink, or suggest going for a drink on date 1, 2 or 3.  And if you don’t drink with them?  Some men don’t find it enjoyable.  Perhaps I am dating the wrong men.  I just find that society today is very fixated on getting intoxicated or drinking to be social…when I can have a blast and be social without drinking at all. – Eliza

Good grief.  Have a cocktail! You don’t have to get hammered. But geez…loosen up. Sip your drink and make conversation. Leave your judgey uptightness at home. It’s a first date. Not a Dick Cavett interview. The problem isn’t that they like to drink. It’s that you don’t. So either become more accommodating or only date men who don’t drink. Sheesh. Same goes for you guys with a chip on your shoulder about women who get alimony. Until something directly affects you or creates a problem, get over it. Some of you look for stupid things to hang your hat on and so you can blame other people, when the blame should fall squarely on your shoulders.

One thing that I notice when reading  profiles is that many of people either try way too hard to sound dynamic or come off like complete shut-in bores. You have to find a middle ground. Lean how to be engaging, both in writing and in person. Try to make your likes and hobbies sound interesting and, dare I say, sexy.

Here’s an example:

A quick glimpse into a day in my life:

*Early morning work outs that get you energized for the day ahead

*Fumbling around my kitchen trying to make blueberry pancakes with bananas

*A hot shower that includes coconut scented body salts (or vanilla. I love both.)

*Walking my eager pooch who manged to snag a couple bits of faux blueberry pancakes

*A few hours scratching things off my To Do list like call back Client X, write up a spec sheet and send you a flirty text

*Kicking off my shoes after a day’s work to jump into a sundress and flip flops to meet a girlfriend for wine and catch up at her place.

*Joining friends for a Mash-Up potluck dinner

*Catching up on the latest episode of Fringe, The Walking Dead or Mad Men

You can take an ordinary life and make it sound intriguing. It’s all in the way you write it.This woman sounds fun, laid back, sexual, active and social. That’s the woman that men like to date. She’s also not afraid to encourage a man to picture her naked. That’s what men want to see.

Same goes for the guys. We don’t want to hear about your job or your travels. I completely agree with the people who roll their eyes at those who list out all the places to which they’ve traveled. Don’t care. And we definitely don’t want to hear about your kids.  Leave the self-important humblebraggery for your blog or diary. I remember reading a guy’s profile once. He had posted quotes from women berating him in response to his profile. He was so proud of being considered an asshole. Not attractive.

Oh, and another tip? Stop listening out all the bands you love and books you’ve read and your favorite movies. Instead, use quotes from songs, movies, and books. That’s a great conversation starter and will keep people invested in your profile.

Of course, you should actually include things that you do regularly. Don’t lie (too much.) But hey, a white lie wouldn’t hurt, as long as it doesn’t involve you conquering a goal that there is no way in hell you have even tried to reach let along worked towards before.

Just..be interesting.  Make people want to hang out with you and think you’re fun. And then? Be fun! Forget the interview questions. Forget the rules and the lists. Go get tipsy! Make out at the bar. Play music on the juke box. Dance a little. Try a food you’ve never had. Take a risk!

Here’s another suggestion….don’t ask someone what they do for a living either in the initial email stage or on the first date. Let them tell you what they do. I double dog dare some of you to do that. No, you’re not making conversation. You’re trying to find out what their financial situation is before you’ve even kissed them.  Do you know why you do this? Because you have stunted social skills. I’m telling you…that need to size everybody up and down before you even determine if there’s a mutual attraction is keeping you single. If you can financially support yourself, and the other person doesn’t appear to be a deadbeat leech, then there’s no reason to focus on their financial/professional situation so early on in the relationship.

Learn how to make conversation. Not polite party conversation, either. Talk about things you love, that get you excited. Show your dates that side of you. Who cares if they know nothing about it?? Educate them. Make them want to learn more..from you.Encourage them to talk about stuff they enjoy. Forget about the interview questions!

Stop worrying so much about making a stellar first impression. Don’t go overboard, of course. But don’t be so worried that they won’t like you because you snort when you laugh, love Big Brother enjoy a greasy cheeseburger.

Bonus tip? Ladies, wear something fun and flirty on your dates. Sundresses are a big plus. Men LOVE sundresses. I just bought about 4 new ones that I can not wait to wear. Show a little skin.  Stop being so uptight and being offended so easily. If he says something that gives you pause, brush past it. If he keeps trying to force the conversation a certain way, then leave if it makes you uncomfortable. But at least see it through, if only so you can better learn how to handle such situations.

Every date is more practice for the next one. People should go into every date wanting to enjoy themselves and be good company. Where we go wrong is expecting our date to impress or wow us and forgetting that they are expecting the same in return.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Book, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Skills, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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