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Best of Moxe – Was He Blindsided After Paying The Check?

May 17, 2011 by 40 Comments

Name: FrustratedMan |  | Location: New York , NY |Question: Dear Moxie,

I have recently moved to the US and am a little horrified by the sense of entitlement that some women in New York seem to have. I’d appreciate a reality check on my experience. I’ve recently had a couple of dates with girls that I met online, that followed a very similar pattern. In both cases, we went for drinks in a bar, and as the conversation was good, wound up moving on to dinner after that. In both cases again, when it came to paying the check, the girls offered to pay their share, but since I was having a good time I went ahead and happily picked up the full tab. Both were enjoyable evenings, and ended with a peck on the cheek and talk of meeting again some time soon.

Now, here’s the thing. Both of these girls totally disappeared in the following days when I tried to set up a second date. One sent a vague reply to an email saying how busy she was, and the other simply hasn’t answered a phone message and email.

Now, my question is, it seems clear to me now that neither of these girls had any intention to meet me again. That’s fine; first dates don’t always work out for both parties. But if a girl lets me pay the entire bill, I take that as a sign that she is at least interested in meeting once more to see how things work out. To let the guy pick up the entire tab and then totally disappear just seems like the height of arrogance and entitlement. I ask this question because otherwise these were both very nice girls who showed no signs of a lack of manners, etc, in other areas. Is this simply the way things are done in New York? If so it makes me very wary about spending any money at all on first dates in the future… It’s not really about the money, just that tawdry feeling that I have been used. |Age: 34

In order to avoid feeling used in the future, keep first dates to a cocktail or coffee. That’s it. You shouldn’t be spending all kinds of money on these women when they really haven’t earned that yet. The reason they let you pay is because you’re the man. You assumed the risk of feeling like a chump by trying too hard to impress them. They let you. They’re not necessarily “wrong” for that. Now…of course they should offer to pay their half if they are not interested. But a lot of women don’t. They just assume that you’re the man and they’re the woman and so they shouldn’t have to contribute. For all you know they were interested and, like when men disappear after a 1st date and  in the words of Marcia Brady, “something suddenly came up.” Both genders experience this post 1st date confusion and sometimes feel blindsided. Women sometimes pay out in sex. Men pay out in cash. It sucks, but it happens to the best of us. We get in the moment, think things are going well, act one way. Then, in the light of day, people change their minds. Or they always knew there wouldn’t be another date and were just playing along to get what they wanted.

Now, if you do continue on these expensive little excursions, then you’re within your right to only pay half. Even if you like her. I mean, she’ll think you’re a cheap son of a bitch with no social graces. But if she expects you to just shell out $100+ dollars because she just got her hair done, then she deserves a bit of a reality check. If you don’t feel a click, and the bill is more than, say $50…you definitely should suggest you split the check. Under $50? Pay it yourself and be done with it.  Men who quibble over $10-$20 look petty and cheap. She did invest some money to be there, be it in transportation or grooming I guarantee, so it’s not like she’s getting a total free ride.

I have to be honest. A man who spends a ton of money on a first date comes off desperate and trying too hard to impress me. If I were you, I’d keep the early couple of dates to modest outings like a night at wine bar (you can find great ones where you can spend maybe $50 for a first date) or an afternoon coffee date. No dinners. It’s just too much.

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Best of Moxie – How Can She Get Undickmatized?

May 16, 2011 by 24 Comments

Originally Posted Dec., 2009

Name: Hypnotized |  | Location: Los Angeles , CA |Question: Do you have any tips if I want to  un-dickmatize myself?

Two years ago, I met a guy that’s two years younger than me through work. There was always a really strong attraction between us, but it wasn’t until a year after I’d changed jobs that we began a several months long affair. He was always very upfront about what he wanted, which was strictly sex. We would IM or text each other and he would come over with pizza, booze and a movie and we would go at it like bunny rabbits. I was self-aware enough to know that this was a road heading straight for Heartbreak City, considering I have always had a tendency to become attached to any of my lovers. But I went along with it anyway because he was so… well-endowed, and I guess part of me was foolishly hoping that maybe, just maybe he could change his mind. Needless to say, he never did and never will, and has never led me to really believe otherwise (wishful thinking aside). When my feelings for him got too strong, we could both tell and we stopped contacting each other. The other night, however, I had a few drinks and I sent him a text asking him if I could come over. It was absolutely fantastic, but again, I can see Heartbreak City up ahead. I can’t just be in the moment and enjoy it for what it is. I know I’m going to want more from him, being the romantic I am, I’m not the fuckbuddy type. I just want him.So… Any tips to quell the desire? |Age: 26

 

ETA MAY, 2011:

He was always very upfront about what he wanted, which was strictly sex. We would IM or text each other and he would come over with pizza, booze and a movie and we would go at it like bunny rabbits.

If he just wanted “strictly sex” then what’s with the pizza and a movie? I get the desire for booze. But a movie? No wonder you got attached to this guy. This was something that always baffled me. If you don’t want a relationship, that’s perfectly okay. But why “set the scene so to speak?

The OP’s guy says he wants just sex. Okay. So then just have sex. Why the need to  “hang out?” He backs off when he realizes she has developed feelings for him. But what did he expect? He’s creating this sense of intimacy that doesn’t belong in a fuck buddy situation.  Having any kind of connection with a lover that goes beyond sexual is what immediately makes things the opposite of casual. I’m not saying he’s doing it intentionally. I don’t think he’s trying to manipulate her. But I do wonder if he, too, is looking for something more than just sex. Even if he doesn’t want “more”  with her. Maybe the idea of just showing up at her door and quickly moving to the bedroom makes him feel sleazy somehow. Either way, I think it’s about an overall discomfort with “just” having sex with someone and/or a deeper desire for intimacy.

Maybe it’s me, but I think strictly sex relationships should not involve movie dates or meals or much conversation beyond surface topics. It could be that I just don’t trust myself not to get attached if things go deeper.  Too much talk creates this false sense of intimacy, and then you find yourself in something you no longer recognize and everything starts to feel weird and confusing. It stops being fun and casual because you find yourself analyzing everything the other person says of does. I think that might be where the woman who submitted this letter was coming from. It’s not about a need for romance as it is a desire for a connection that goes beyond just sex. When that’s what you really want, you tend to interpret things in a distorted way.

I think what the OP is trying to “quell” is her lust for a genuine connection and intimacy. Not sex. So my suggestion is this:

Rely on your friendships. Preferably the ones with women. As I said to my friend J. last week as she walked me through yet another conversation about The Teacher,  a man I dated earlier this spring, every time I got off the phone with her I felt myself getting a little bit stronger. I was getting the intimacy I needed…emotional intimacy…from her. My male friends, though wonderful, don’t really have the tolerance for my need to break down our conversations and figure out how or if I could have done things differently. My female friends do, because they’ve been there. There’s a nurturing component involved with female friendships that I have not been able to replicate with my male friends. That’s what I needed.

I’ll say this. I think the worst time to try and engage in any kind of casual situation is when you are starved for true intimacy.  The really weird thing is that if you go without it long enough, you forget about it. So you think you’re just looking for sex or attention. But really you’re looking to feel special to someone. Important.  You want to feel like you matter to someone. Anyone. But then when someone comes along and shows you attention you drink up every drop of it like you’re a sponge.  I think the really difficult part of getting over someone, even a casual lover, is realizing that that attention is gone. You’re literally licking the bowl trying to lap up every little bit of it you can because you’re afraid you’re not going to get another chance to taste that sweetness. Then, because you’re jonesing for it, you look for a substitute, something to replace it.

I did this last week and it ended up with me getting an insult-riddled rant that included some pretty horrible insults that, of course, attacked my body and my weight.  I’m secure enough with my body and my weight to know that was just the go to thing to attack. If you want to hurt a woman, that’s where you go. 4 years ago? It would have crippled me, because I was overweight. It had been a really long time since I heard things like that. While I definitely set myself up for his anger, (I was not ready to try and meet someone at that point and knew it and really ended up wasting his time..but not his money) I was shell shocked at his rage.

I don’t ever want to see any man or woman endure such a dressing down. Ever. That’s why I’d rather people get to the heart of why they might seek out sex as a replacement for intimacy. That is, unless they are truly just looking for sex. Not everyone seeking out sex is coming from a place of loneliness or “broken-ness.” But to those of us who do have a tendency to do that, really be sure of what you want and why. If only so you don’t make that underlying longing more pervasive. Find people who you know have your back and who will give you the love that, at that moment, you’re not able to give to yourself.

And that’s one to grown on, folks.

(To my Masshole readers…SNIPPETS!!!)

 

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Filed Under: Best of Moxie, casual sex, Dating, Friends With Benefits, Hook Up Culture, Latests Posts, Sex

Best of Moxie – Did She Dump Him Because He’s Broke?

May 15, 2011 by 24 Comments

Name: NeverAgain |  | Location: New York , NY |Question: This is actually a question about a male  friend of mine, “Jim”, who is 46. He is single and has never been married, although he was in a 10 year engagement that ended after the fiance stoppped having sex with him. Jim is a pretty good catch, but with one glaring exception: his finances aren’t so good. For the last few years, he has had trouble finding a steady job. Six months ago, he found one, but the pay is quite small (he lives in a state where the cost of living is lower, but so is the salary).

A few weeks ago, he started dating a 44 year old woman whom he met online – divorced with a 7 year old and the ex-husband still around. Things were going pretty well, until she called him today and told him she wanted to talk about the “relationship’s future” and his “financial situation.” She broke up with him because she wasn’t comfortable with his finances.

Here’s the thing – I can understand how she is uncomfortable with the fact that he’s struggling with money at 46. I do, I get it. But, seriously? She has her own baggage: an ex-husband, a child, some previous emotional problems…. It just seems to me that she’s being ridiculously picky for her age. He’s handsome, single, romantic, treats women well, from a good family, etc… all the things women say they want. He’s literally the type to surprise a woman with roses or a cooked dinner by candlelight. And she breaks it off because he doesn’t make enough money?

At 25, sure, I could be that picky and get away with it. But at 44? With a kid? Really?

Would you consider this behavior too picky, or is it justified? |Age: 25

That takes some serious balls to be dating someone a matter of a few weeks and expect them to discuss their finances with you.  I understand her need and concern for finding an appropriate situation for both her and her child…but she didn’t even give this guy a chance. How does she know what he has or doesn’t have? I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve met who present themselves as modestly comfortable or less, and end up being independently wealthy because of an investment they made or an inheritance. You just never know. If someone I barely knew were to try to corner me in to discussing my finances, I’m immediately going to down play them just so they don’t hit me up for money or a loan or ask me to invest in some business. Does she really think this type of tactic will work for her in the future?

As for the “too picky” aspect…yeah, like I said recently, there are just some situations that require a person be a tad less rigid. She has a child and an ex-husband in the picture. That’s a lot to overlook. If she thinks she’s going to find a guy willing to take that on, who also doesn’t have a problem dating a woman who feels entitled to know his financial situation after dating a few weeks, she’s dreaming.

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Would You Tell a Woman Her Man Is Cheating?

February 24, 2011 by 24 Comments

Originally posted January, 2009 – 35 comments

 

Name: Stacey |  | Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi Moxie,
I need your advice. I met this guy at a party about six weeks ago and was smitten by his charm, his looks.  At the end of our conversation he offered me his phone number and told me to call him some time.   I did call, two weeks later, right before Christmas.  He told me he was planning on going to Germany for the holidays and through New Year’s but he could see me the night before he left.  We met up and had a wonderful date- we had drinks and then I had been planning on going to a friend’s party and he insisted on coming along, not wanting the date to end.  I felt amazing chemistry towards him and our good night kiss outside my apartment was very passionate.  He was away for two weeks and called me two days after he returned.  I happened to be moving to a new apartment that weekend and he offered to help me move.  He was great-carried everything heavy, was very patient.  My family was helping me too- and he was very nice to them, and we all had dinner together.  After the move, he has been calling me daily, emailing, he said he wanted to meet more of my friends, and we had another great date.  He wanted to make the relationship more physical, but I told him that I wasn’t ready for that yet as we had only had several dates.  He told me that he had just gotten out of a four year relationship in October, that he had ended because the spark had been lost, and that he was willing to wait.  I was worried that another relationship might be a little soon for him but I have been really looking forward to things progressing.  Yesterday, I receive this email from a woman whose name I didn’t recognize:
“I’m sorry, this is not my normal style at all, as well as it has never been my style to read other people’s e-mails. I just think you deserve this warning as I wish I had have it myself. You are right now flirting with my “boyfriend”, who, as he told me 2 days ago, is in a committed relationship with me. I live in Germany where I met him last May. We had an affair since he was still together with his old girlfriend. He told me how we would fit so much better to each other. How he was bored by her since she is “stupid”. Yet, when he returned he tried to keep the old relationship going but invited me regardless to NY. Being rather naive I didn’t see it as a flaw of character but more as pity with his old girlfriend and a sign of a good heart. After all he is charming and one would believe him a lot. We started going out officially in November. He promised me that all mess that had happened before is finally over and that from that time on he will be with me. We saw each other since then. In fact he returned from Germany 1 1/2 weeks ago, sending me his vacation schedule so we could plan our next meeting and telling me how much he misses me. I booked a flight for March. Yet some of his reactions made me suspicious as he didn’t react when I send him the flight dates.  I went through a lot with him and became very sensitive to his behavior. Since he had given me a password for his computer which, as he told me freely, he uses as well for other accounts I took a step that I never thought I would take and looked in his e-mail account. And as you can imagine it shocked me, seeing what he wrote to you about half an hour after he had told me that we are in a committed relationship that my fears are just due to distance and that they will stay until we are finally together. Today he called me again and just a little later he wrote another e-mail to you. Things are over for me, I already forgave him far to much. You should of course decide yourself what you want to do. Maybe you are better off with him who knows. Just be careful and don’t be blinded by his charm. Again I’m sorry for bothering you.” I was shocked, and forwarded the message to his account without any comment.  He called me last night but I didn’t pick up. What is your advice? |Age: 24

At the very least, you owe him the opportunity to explain himself. You have NO idea who’s telling the truth here. Given that this woman took it upon herself to hack into his email account for no other reason than..well, I still can’t glean what her reason is…there’s a good possibility she’s just really young and doesn’t have much relationship experience. There’s really nothing else I can say here other than to trust your own instincts, as they rarely will fail you. You just have to pay close attention to them and not let your own “stuff” get in the way of how you interpret them.

Make note of something……….she never mentions this guy by name. In a situation like this, where someone is supposedly talking about someone with whom the have a personal or intimate relationship, they’d refer to them by their first name. We’ll be sponsoring a Statement Analysis class with LifeLabsNY in April. If you live in NYC, I highly recommend you take this course. You’ll learn some great tips for deciphering and detecting deception in others.

If I’m reading her e-mail right, he was with his 4 year girlfriend until this past October. From May to October he was in some form of a “relationship” with Germany girl. But how many times did he actually see this girl? What is UP with these women who get so attached to guy whom they barely see???? He and Germany Girl “officially” started dating in November while he was still here in NYC. He saw her again in December. Right around the time he met you. And then when she sent him her flight schedule, around this time, suddenly he wasn’t as responsive? Is this all correct? Okay. This might shock a few of you but..,…..give this guy a chance. Here’s why.

This girl was not his girlfriend. That may be what she thought, but that doesn’t mean that’s what he said. You don’t know how proactive he was in inviting her to NYC to see him. He may have said in passing “you should come to NYC” and she took that and ran with it. You know what she’s telling you. That’s it. She blows her whole argument by admitting to breaking into his e-mail account. She immediately becomes suspect and less than rational. Yes, it appears he may have cheated on his girlfriend. But again, this woman’s letter doesn’t say that she and he actually crossed that physical line. Given that she lives in a whole other continent, it’s totally possible that they only struck up some kind of e-mail relationship after flirting in person. Wouldn’t be the first guy in a committed relationship to flirt via e-mail as a way to deal with an unsatisfying relationship, would he? Something is up with her letter. I think she wants you to think they’re more serious than they are or more than he’s ever admitted to her to being.

Sounds to me like once he met you, he lost interest in this girl in Germany. He either struck up some kind of flirty relationship with her via e-mail after meeting her in May, then maybe finally consummated things in November after he broke up with his NYC girlfriend, and she’s the one who thinks they are boyfriend and girlfriend when they possibly aren’t. Sure, maybe he’s letting her think whatever she wants. But this guy never took her seriously. THAT’S why she’s contacting you. She’s angry. At him and at herself. This isn’t about her wanting to “warn” you. That’s a crock. That’s an excuse women tell themselves to justify their actions and avoid asking themself why they got attached when the guy never gave them a reason to get attached to begin with. She was someone to hang out with when he was over there. She was the excuse he needed to finally get out of his relationship. Shame on her for thinking she’d be any different from his last girlfriend.

You have no idea if he ever cheated on her or his last girlfriend. You just have the accusations of a woman who hacked into someone’s e-mail account after being willing to hang around waiting for some guy in America to leave his girlfriend. She’s hardly what I’d call a solid character witness.

Hear him out. Maybe he is a cheat. In which case, you know what you have to do. But maybe he’s not.

EDITED TO ADD FEBRUARY 2011

I’ve said  numerous times how much I dislike the whole contacting the other woman or girlfriend thing. The real problem I have with Germany Girl’s letter is that she expresses no remorse for engaging a man she knew was in a relationship. Listen, I’ve done it. I’ve also always been put out to pasture once the guy broke up with his girlfriend. And as much as I wanted to contact the girlfriend and tell her what this guy did and said about her, I didn’t. Mainly because my indignation was disingenuous. I had no problem with the guy’s lack of integrity when he was screwing me. So now I’m going to act all righteous and offended? Uh, no. Even if you didn’t know he had a girlfriend and found out after you and he had hooked up,  it’s just not your place to play judge and jury. It’s not. There’s always some kind of collateral damage involved with these scenarios. Why cause the unsuspecting girlfriend or ex-girlfriend possible pain? She probably already knows her relationship is over, or is about to be. No need to make it worse. Nor is there a need to dredge up history post-break up, thereby opening up old wounds. Leave the woman alone, let her heal, accept the fact that you either were duped or ignored the warning signs and move on.

I know some women will say they want to know their man is or was cheating. But how many of us would believe some random stranger contacting us out of the blue? Would you really believe someone you don’t know over your partner? And do you want to risk being accused of lying and that possible fall out? Think about the big picture before you make this decision.

I’ve been on both sides of this. I met a guy online who said he was in an open relationship. We did nothing but trade emails. In fact, I told him upfront – and put it in writing – that I had no interest in him other than to write about his experiences with open relationships. I never even gave him my full name. Just first name and email. I received not one but two phone calls to my personal phone number from his girlfriend telling me they were not in an open relationship. (How she got the number I have no idea.) Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t. Either way, the fact that the woman went to some lengths to get in touch with me scared me enough to blow this guy off.  Someone who would do this, make this kind of effort, is pissed off or really, really desperate to hold on to their relationship. Only fear, a need for revenge or anger could fuel such behavior.

If a woman is driven to that, then there’s a really good chance that the man is so messed up and so emotionally abusive that he’s not worth the time.

 

YOUR THOUGHTS?


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Filed Under: Best of Moxie, Cheating, Dating, Dating The Crazy, Dysfunction Junction, Online Dating

Pushing Your Buttons & Boundaries

February 10, 2011 by 11 Comments

ORIGINALLY POSTED AUGUST 18, 2008 – 32 COMMENTS

Name: Karina | Location: Brooklyn , NY |Question: My boyfriend (age 36, never married) is going away this week on a one week vacation to California without me. He took me along to  three 3 day trips this past year but I was a tag-a-long on business trips. We’ve been together a year and this was the first time we had a chance to go away together on a trip w/o business attached to it.

In June we were broken up (he broke up with me) when we were suppose to go to Disney for his birthday. He cancelled our trip and changed his ticket and went to Miami by himself. While in Miami, I was getting over him- he started emailing me telling me how much he misses me and want to work on our relationship and get back together. He even called me to ask me to go to this August California trip offering to bring both me and my dog. Now he says the reason he is not taking me to California is that he wanted me to pay for my own ticket and put some skin in the game and that would show my commitment to our relationship. I told him I wanted him to pay for it to show me he wanted me there because he loves me and that it would show me his commitment and that he didn’t just want me around for sex.

We both think the other one is not committed to each other. I admit I walk out or break-up with him when things are going bad- but they are for good reasons like being demeaned or verbally abused (he has an anger management issue he is working on).

. Being a recovering alcoholic with clinical depression (and I work really darn hard with medical professionals to deal with these issues) does not mean that if I confront him on areas where I am not being treated with consideration and respect, and where I may get sensitive about- that it amounts to me being in a mental wheelchair with “special needs”. He uses my illness against me whenever I have any expectations of him that are entirely reasonable to everyone else- just not to him. (I do not use my illness as a crutch or as an excuse. I am in therapy and am extremely proactive about living a strong healthy good life. My boyfriend acts like I am a basket case when I am not.)

My boyfriend thinks that I am overreacting about feeling alienated and rejected right now. He says he gave me an opportunity to go and just wanted me to put some money into the game b/c our relationship is so volatile.


Please do not think I am a primadonna that just needs him to pay for me. I NEVER ask him for anything in terms of material gifts- jewelry, clothes, handbags, etc… I earn about 15% of what he earns and am not the type of girl to demand or expect gifts. I do let him pay for most of our dates and I’ll pitch in by buying some groceries to cook for him or movie tickets- the smaller stuff. I go out of my way to constantly surprise him in a good way and he admits what a loving generous woman I am.  I want to see that he can be generous and loving with me and towards me. I want to see him cherish me. He thinks he shows that by all the times he’s driven me to the post office or when he has picked me up from the train station so I don’t have to walk in the rain or heat. I wanted some romance and I had to ask 6 months for a teddy bear and a bouquet of flowers. he said he use to give girls teddy bears and flowers and handbags and whatever they wanted because he was buying their love. now he’s over all of that.

Did I want too much by wanting him to fly me to California? The beach house he’s staying at is free as a gift from a business acquaintance.

Does this mean that he is just “not that into me”?

Super Thanks!! Karina |Age: 28

ORIGINAL ANSWER FROM AUGUST 2008:

Listen, you’re insecurity and neediness is not his problem. That’s your problem. You wanted flowers and a teddy bear because that, to you, demonstrates affection and romance? What are you…12? The problem here is that you need constant affirmation that he loves you and vice versa. Being a tag along on his business trips wasn’t enough? No, you needed your own special trip. You want him to fly you and your dog across the country because that makes you feel loved and wated. And that’s his problem…how?????????

I believe that the volatility comes from  me never feeling completely loved and accepted by him thereby pushing me away and me feeling defensive and pushing him away. See the spiral?!!

I don’t know….DO YOU????????????? Jesus, listen to yourself. “Me me me me me me and oh yeah…ME.” Of course the guy needs time away from you and wants you to pony up. You are so trapped in your own head and self-absorbed “I need him to do XYZ because then if he does I’ll feel loved and appreciated.” Okay, so you’re low self-esteem and is his responsibility? Guess what? You absolutely DO use your alcoholism and depression as crutches. You did it in your letter. You justified your neediness by citing your issues with alcohol and depression. Crutch? Meet kettle.

So, what, every time this guy doesn’t feed your need for attention you threaten to walk? Were you that kid who always threatened to run away as a child and who totally had her parents whipped and wrapped around her finger??? I’m betting you were. God, must have been quite a shock for you when you grew up and learned that the world does not revolve around you. That’s a really safe and nurturing environment you’ve cultivated there. Stop acting like a spoiled child. Not every guy is going to shower you with affection the way Daddy did. Despite what I’m betting you were told throughout your life, you are not a Princess. Listen to how many times you felt a need to defend the accusations that you’re a basket case, primadonna, etc. When people offer up things like that, know what that means? It means they are, in fact, exactly what they are denying that they are.

He also periodically breaks up with me because he thinks I have special needs that he is not ready to be responsible for

Translation – You’re too high maintenance and a raging pain in the ass. Don’t try and make this guy out to be the bad guy here. If he thinks you have specials needs it’s probably because you remind him of them every friggin’ time you two have a fight. Depression and alcoholism, while definitely very serious, are not life threatening. People walk this earth every god damn day living with both and you know what? They take responsibility for themselves and their behavior and manage to have perfectly healthy relationships. You are not dying or handicapped.

Grow. Up.

UPDATED ANSWER FEBRUARY 2011

I’m actually embarrassed by this level of hostility. I have to apologize to the woman who submitted this, if she’s even reading anymore after this insane tongue lashing. Somebody took her projecting pill before writing this response.

The real issue that I should have focused on was:

Sometimes two people are just not healthy for each other. These people can be totally capable of maintaining healthy, productive relationships with other people. But together they poke and prod and push buttons. This guy pushes your buttons. You push his. Maybe not intentionally or maliciously. But something about each of your personalities triggers a really negative response or pingsback to some negative point of reference. I’ve had two relationships like this in my life. You become a completely different person. You look back on those times and you literally can not recognize the person you were.

You are seeking this guy’s approval. You want this man to show you what you mean to him, and you’re basing that validation on actions that – in the grand scheme of things – don’t matter. This isn’t about the trip. And it’s not about the money. This is about pushing boundaries. Tests. Chess Moves. Ultimately, it’s a bout a lack of trust. He’s thinking that you’ve left him before, and you’ll likely leave him again. You’re thinking that he thinks you’re this broken little rag doll and you’re trying to stand up to him. I think to some extent you’re both a little broken in that you can’t fix the real problem in your own minds.

I’d suggest talking it out but, unfortunately, I think the damage is done here. You keep trying to fix something that can’t be repaired. You tried, and you gave it an admiral attempt. But sometimes you need to pay attention to how you allow yourself to feel when dealing with this person.

I don’t think you’re fighting to save your relationship. You’re fighting for your own self-worth. That’s why you are ignoring all the signs. You’re sticking it out because you feel like you’ve lost your footing and need to get it back.You’re in a race with him to see who has more control or power in the dynamic. He’ll relent and give in, but then out of no where he’ll do something to throw you off your game. Everything will be steady as she goes until..BAM!…one of you decides to disrupt the flow. It’s all about control. Not just control…total dominance. It’s about beating the other person down until they’re totally submissive. And it never ends.

You have to understand something. These people? These button pushers? Their opinion means NOTHING. We put them high up on a pedestal and give them far more credit than they deserve. Here’s what I’ve learned: People like this are never what they seem. Their arrogance and dismissive and controlling behavior is a cover for something. They’re keeping you at a distance for a reason, and it’s usually to make sure you don’t see them for the person they really are.

If you’re constantly berating yourself, questioning yourself, analyzing every word, doubting your own memory…it’s time to go. If only to protect your own ego and self-esteem.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

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Filed Under: Best of Moxie, Break Ups, Dating The Crazy, Dysfunction Junction

Best of Moxie – Do Men Like Mystery?

February 9, 2011 by 73 Comments

Originally Posted Sep 19, 2008 – 55 Comments

Name: Trudie  | Location: New York , New York |Question: Is it okay to ask a guy out?  I have heard mixed answers on this subject, some guys like it, but others find get turned off.  According to the book “He’s Just Not That Into You,” women should not ask a guy out, because the guy misses out on the chase and the woman is not as much of a challenge.  There’s a guy who I’m interested in getting to know better, but I don’t get to see him often.  We e-mail once in a while, but I wonder what’s wrong with me asking him to meet for a drink or something?  It it too pushy?  My girlfriends tell me that I shouldn’t do anything and I should just let him ask me out if he’s interested.  What’s your take on this?|Age: 31

ORIGINAL ANSWER:

Here’s what I believe. If a man is interested and is confident enough, he’ll ask you out. Now, many times are totally clueless as to when a woman is flirting with them. So, our job is to give as many green lights as possible so that he’s aware of your interest and knows the risk of rejection is minimal.

I don’t think asking a man out makes a woman look pushy. I think it makes her look anxious. She’s revealing to the man that she’s interested, which thereby takes away the “chase” so to speak. And, yes, guys enjoy the chase. A slight chase. Why? Because we all want what we think we can’t have.

UPDATED ANSWER – FEBRUARY, 2011:

Let me state, for the record, that I don’t think women should ask men out. Maybe I’m just a throw back, or an Old, but there are just some traditions that I think need to stay in tact. Why do I believe men should ask women out? Because I think people become easily complacent when things are handed to them. When a woman asks a man out and the man says yes, we don’t lose interest, we gain interest. In my opinion, that’s not how it works with most men.

I read a story recently about a woman who met a guy at a party. She and the man, in her opinion, flirted for a good deal of time. Yet the guy never asked for her number. So, at the end of the night, she ran in to the man and asked him “if he wanted her number or what?” Like most men in that situation, he took the number. He called her a couple days later and they went out. The man proceeded to act, well, not so great. He answered his phone, sent texts, frequently turned his attention to the TV.  He didn’t exactly display the most stellar of manners. The woman still went home with them man, which also turned out to be a comedy of errors. Her hopes of salvaging the night were dashed when the guy turned out to be, in her opinion, a pretty awful lover.

My take on this situation was that the guy already knew, because she basically egged him in to taking her number, that she was interested. He had already dismissed her by not asking for her number. That she would further pursue him told him he could act any way he liked and get away with it. And he was right. The date should have ended after the first cocktail or appetizer. Instead it progressed to his bedroom. He was rewarded for his bad behavior. That’s what women need to remember when they convince themselves that they should try to “salvage” a night out and get some sort of return on investment. And FYI..men? Same goes for you. Many of you like to talk about how you’ll go on a date with a woman who act inappropriately, but you’ll “try to get your money’s worth” by getting her to blow you. I realize that you don’t care if she gets some smug satisfaction for that.Just keep in mind that when you do this, you’re telling her that her behavior was acceptable and okay. If you don’t like being used for your wallet, stop rewarding women with little affirmations like allowing her to go down on you. Because if she’s clueless enough to be texting her BFF on a date, she’s clueless enough to think that you’re having sex with her because you find her attractive and not because she just happens to be there. One way to stop bad behavior is to not reward it.

Okay..back to the topic…women asking men out.

So, the woman from the scenario I just mentioned pretty much set herself up, in my mind. She made not only her interest known, but her willingness to overlook possible questionable behavior. This guy went in to the date likely believing that he could do whatever he wanted and this woman would still be interested. He also took a lazy approach to the overall date. He didn’t appear to even try to make a good impression. Why? Because he knew the woman was attracted to him. I don’t think women make the same assumptions when a man asks them out. I don’t believe we assume that we’re “in” just because a man asked for our number.

Men have been doing it for so long that, while they enjoy the change, they can’t fully assume the position of the one being pursued. When they ask a woman out, they know they do it because they’re interested. So they assume the woman is interested since she took the initiative and invited him for a drink. The difference is that a woman would still try to impress the man. The man just gets too comfortable too soon or doesn’t make as much effort as when he did the asking out. (YMMV on this one. Just my opinion. )

To bottom line it: I think most men enjoy not just the sense of challenge that asking a woman out provides, but also find the “mystery” of whether or not she’ll sleep with him arousing. Ask a guy out and, even if you don’t know if you if you want to have sex with him (please…we know in the first couple minutes of conversation), and he knows. He assumes eventual sex is a given.

Game over.

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Filed Under: Best of Moxie, Dating, Sex, Traditional Dating Rules

Best of Moxie – Is He Beneath Her Or On Her Level?

January 25, 2011 by 25 Comments

Name: Beebee |  Location: New York , New York |Question: Hey Moxie – This is a weird question to ask, so I am especially appreciative of the anonymity of this site.  Sooo, I think a couple of weeks ago someone asked about dating outside your league with an emphasis on that person being in a “higher” league.  Well, my question is, what if you find yourself continuously pursued by guys who are not in your league – - in particular in the physical appearance, attractiveness area.  Now, I know people might say what an arrogant stance to take, but seriously #1 I do NOT choose the men I date based on appearance – for me it is an all around package with an emphasis on personality – - how interesting , how funny, etc.  I will date a guy that I don’t find immediately attractive, etc.  Lately though, I’ve noticed that I’ve been seriously pursued by guys who I’m not compatible with personality-wise, lifestyle-wise, looks-wise . . . .I could go on.  I’m willing to explore, yes, but honestly I’m wondering what I’m projecting that is making these guys things I would be interested considering we are SOOOOO different.  FYI – my friends have noticed this happening with me as well.  Again, I’m not Ms America, not  perfect, but the extremes I’m encountering . . . .hope this is clear (; |Age: 42

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Best of Moxie, Dating, Dating Over 40, To Settle or Not To Settle

Best of Moxie – When He Seems Too Good To Be True, He Usually Is

January 19, 2011 by 8 Comments

Originally posted April, 2009 – 36 Comments

Name: Pilot Girl || Location: Toronto , Ontario |Question: Hi  Moxie, I was recently contacted by a 29-year old man on POF. Now, I agree with you that most younger men on these dating sites aren’t looking for anything serious (especially with an older woman). For this reason I usually don’t reply and simply delete the messages.But I have two girlfriends who are in successful long-term relationships with considerably younger men (by more than 10 years). And during dinner one night they urged me not to write these men off without at least giving the more sincere ones a shot. So when an attractive, mature sounding 29-year old guy contacted me I thought “why not”? and wrote him back.We only had one date, never made it to the second one. The first date went really really well I thought. We both laughed a lot and had a great time getting to know each other. We actually had a lot more in common than I thought considering the age difference. During the date I tried to ‘read him’ to see if he was just looking for sex. But it was hard to tell because sparks were flying in all directions (on both sides) and I probably wasn’t thinking very clearly. For the record, I didn’t get a sense from his profile or initial email to me that he was a player looking to hook up (like with some other emails I get from younger men). His email was thoughtful. And although he was in the “dating” section he did mention several times in his profile that he was looking for a long-term partner. This is the only reason I wrote back to him in the first place.

After our fun date he walked me home, we exchanged a long hug and then he kissed me on the lips. Then he said he would be contacting me very soon.By the time I got up to my condo there was a text from him saying that he had a really good time and that I was “funny”, “sexy” and “amazing”. I replied that I enjoyed meeting him too and we wished each other good night.The next day he sent me a text message during the day and we chatted for several minutes. He said he wanted to see me again very soon. So we made a date for the following night. Normally I wouldn’t schedule a date so soon but he said he was going away for the weekend and wanted to see me before he left. So I agreed. This is where it all went downhill.

I got a text message from him the following morning saying that he had to cancel our date. He needed to go out of town a day earlier than planned. But that he definitely wanted to get together when he returned.In all honesty I was a bit skeptical. Having to go away earlier than planned? Really? I guess it’s possible. But I thought a more likely explanation was that he met someone else or just changed his mind or whatever. Which is fine.

In the end I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I simply replied “no worries :) ” to him cancelling, and “OK :) ” to his suggestion that we get together the following week. I wanted to keep it short and sweet (that’s why I included the smiley faces), so that he didn’t think rescheduling was a big deal. Because it wasn’t. I didn’t think I’d hear from him again.A few days later he sent me an email through POF (which I thought was strange because we had been communicating by text message at this point). But he was friendly and still seemed very eager to get  together. We chatted about this and that, and how our weekends were going and then suddenly things got weird. Here’s a snippet of that part of the conversation:

He said: I might be coming home a day earlier than planned.I replied: Great. Perhaps you’ll have some time to enjoy your weekend before you have to go back to work.
He said: Does enjoying my weekend involve kissing you some more?

Side note: This threw me a little. I didn’t know how to respond. Was he just being playful? Or was he showing his “I want to get in your pants” side?

I replied: Wow, you young’uns are really direct.
He said: I guess a little bit. I can’t deny I haven’t been thinking about it. Haven’t you? Wait, young’uns, you said plural. Do I have competition lol..?
I replied: Well just as I’m sure I probably do too…lol. Isn’t that why we’re on POF? To date many people until we meet the “one”. But then again you’re in the datin
g section, so your goals may be a little different than mine”.

He said: I don’t have a problem with a little competition. It’s to be expected. And I may be in the dating section but I’m definitely looking for the long story. Besides, I miss having those drinks the other night, especially with such lovely company.
I replied: Well then why don’t we get together when you get back.
He said: OK. When are you free?
I replied: Monday or Tuesday.
He said: Tuesday works for me. We can have drinks or watch a movie at my place.

Side note: at this point I’m thinking to myself that if a guy invites a woman to his place to watch a  movie on the 2nd date he is definitely looking to hook up.

I replied: Rain check on the movie if that’s ok with you. So drinks on Tues?
He said: For sure! It’s a plan.
I replied: Have a lovely weekend. Talk soon :) .

End of email conversation. On Monday he sends me the following message: I have to cancel. I’ll be working out of town all week. Not sure when I’ll be back. Maybe we can have a drink some time in the future, blah blah blah.

Basically blowing me off. So this is where I’m left scratching my head a little bit. Is this another case of the slick younger man hoping to have sex with an older woman? Hence, the kissing comment, then suggestion that we watch a movie at his place on the 2nd date. And when it became clear that I wasn’t interested in hooking up, did he made an abrupt departure? My girlfriends on the other hand think he was being open and sweet, keeping in touch regularly to show me that he was interested, and that I was the one who freaked him out with my aloofness and the “young’uns”, “dating other people” and “looking for different things” comments. What do you think?      |Age: 39

I think you shouldn’t listen to your girlfriends. They’re going to be in your shoes in the imminent future. They’re just trying to get more and more women out there to date much younger men so they don’t feel embarrassed and pathetic. My friend B. said it best today.

“women give each other horrible advice.  They listen, to guess what the other person wants to hear.  Then they say it without believing it under the pretense of ‘i wanted her (you) to feel better.’  Women rarely have friends to hold each other accountable.”

As for the fact that this guy didn’t have any tell tale signs of looking to get laid in his profile. Well, that would kind of defeat the point, wouldn’t it? I mean, it’s not like he’s going to tell you he’s just looking for sex. He’s probably going to play that very close to the vest. Never give a guy points for doing what he’s supposed to do.

Here’s are some general rules of thumb. When someone I barely know, even after having one date with him, sends me cutesy, sexy texts talking about wanting to kiss me and telling me how sexy I am (RED FLAG!) then I’m suspicious. Ladies, stop making so much of these types of gestures when barely know the guy. It stands to reason that someone who acts like that before knowing you well or barely at all either has an agenda OR they’re kinda nuts.

These over zealous guys that we meet, especially from online dating sites, are almost always going to flake out very quickly. It’s just not normal for a guy to be so invested so quickly. Guys who do this are either crash and burn guys or guys who are looking to get laid. Both types go through the motions until they get what they want. Then they come up with the famous excuse of “Work is really busy this time of year, not sure I can devote much time to anything too involved. But (there’s always a but!) I think you’re really great and like hanging out with you…” Then you find yourself having one Dignity Date a week, then heading back to your place for sex and then he leaves.

You need to listen to your gut more. It was spot on throughout this scenario. Bullet dodged. You’d have felt even worse if you had slept with him. And, despite your protests, you totally would have slept with him.

 

ETA JANUARY 2010:  If I had a dollar for every story I’ve heard about how that one guy that that one woman met that exceeded her expectations after one or two dates, or how he had atypical reactions to certain things, I’d be rich. While there are always those instances where that one guy truly is totally into you or more emotionally evolved than most, usually if it seems to good to be true, it is. We all want to believe that we are that one special jockey to tame that wild horse. In fact, it becomes somewhat of a personal goal. We don’t just want any guy. We want the guy that changes “just for us.” We want that brass ring. We want to be able to say that we got that one unicorn, not because that unicorn makes us happy, but because we have something to prove to ourselves, friends, family members, readers, etc.

It is incredibly hard to change learned behavior. It can happen, but in order for that change to stick, the guy actually has to be committed to making that change and has to believe it will make his life easier or better. Often times people just pretend to change because it makes things easier. But eventually those old habits and behaviors will rear their heads again.

If what they’ve been doing has been working for them, it’s highly unlikely that someone will change overnight, even if they’ve met the person of their dreams. So if you meet someone who seems to have a ton of options, has never managed to settle down, etc….be careful. Not because that person might hurt you. You might turn out to be that one person that makes them want to change. Be cautious that you don’t start to see this person as some prize that you desperately want to win. When we fixate on “winning” that person, we block out all the well intended advice from friends, our own instincts and we become blind to the very obvious signs that this person will not be around for long.

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Filed Under: Best of Moxie, Men & Conflict, Older Women/Younger Men, Sex

Best of Moxie – Blue Balled

January 14, 2011 by 69 Comments

Originally Posted April 20, 2009 – 58 Comments

Name: John  | Location: Queens , NY |Question: So I’ve been dating this girl for a little over 2  months…. so far no sex. The first few dates we went back to my apartment and did everything up to sex, both of our clothes were off but got cut off at the end. She said she “is not there yet with me”. For the next 3 weeks  we hung out twice a week- no real hooking up, just a little kissing. She told me at one point that we didnt talk enough on the phone (she was a little upset) which was my fault so we ended up talking every day or 2 (she calls me and I call her) and still going out to dinner/drinks twice a week. So fast forward to last night, I asked her where our relationship is going? We go out and talk and have a good time but there’s nothing physical. She said that she understands my situation and needs but is “not there with me yet” and needs to know me better before doing that. She’s not a virgin or anything so its not like shes waiting for a ring. After that conversation I almost feel like my balls were just taken away and now I feel like I’m on the fence here which is a shame because I was crazy about her at first. My thought process now is she’s not comfortable enough with me after 2 months this is never gonna work. Thoughts? |Age: 30

And you’d be right. Move on. This girl needs an extra level of attention and affirmation and that speaks to how she will behave and act in the future. She’s going to be in need of constant validation.

I know I should join Team Vagina on this one and implore you to be patient, but you’ve been patient. I I’m not saying she should be putting out after date three. Of course a woman should be allowed to wait until she’s comfortable. But it’s been two months. If she’s not comfortable now, after all the dates and phone calls, then she’s never going to be ready. She’s trading attention from you for heavy petting from her. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. This is literally a tit for tat arrangement.

You’re calling her more because you think it will get you laid. Not because you genuinely want to call her. What person wants to get attention that isn’t genuine and comes with an ulterior motive?  You’re not calling her enough so she’s keeping everything buttoned up. But then you give in to this need and suddenly it boobie time! That’s childish. And, to be honest, it kind of makes you look like a door mat.

ETA JAN 2011: There’s a great saying that a lot of women use to describe men who don’t push for sex. “Oh..he’s such a gentleman!” No…he’s just not a date rapist. He could also be a gentleman, but the two can be mutually exclusive. This idea of what a gentleman is or isn’t hasn’t me baffled. Especially when I feel like there’s this test out there that women like to use that involves nothing that would actually tell you how much of a “gentleman” a man is. Like how often he pays, how much he pays and what he tolerates and puts up with.  More often than not, all that stuff is somewhat of an act. Men know what many women use to measure their value, so they play up those aspects. Half the time, the guy you know on dates 1-5 is not the guy you’re dating 5 months later. You don’t get authentic behavior from a subject that knows he/she is being monitored and rated. I think women do a huge disservice to themselves by equating how long a man will wait for sex with how much he likes her. I’d say 8 times out of 10, when a man hears “I need to feel comfortable with a man or have exclusivity before I have sex” from a woman he’s dating, he thinks she’s playing games and he bails. And in those cases, it is in no way fair to assume the guy was just looking for sex. Sure, probably 3 of those 8 were just looking for sex. But if he endures more than 3 dates with you and then loses interest when things don’t progress physically, there’s a really good chance he did like you, did want more and was tired of what he perceived were childish games.

Bottom line is that we all know within the first couple dates if we’re interested in taking things further. Yes, sometimes it doesn’t happen on the first date, but it should and usually does kick in after date number 3 or 4. If after two months she’s not sure, then that’s a sign that she’s either just not interested, has major issues surround sex and commitment, or just stringing you along.

I really used to think that if it was the right guy and he was truly interested, he’d wait for as long as it took. Uh uh. That’s not the case anymore. Each man has his own personal window for how long he’ll go without getting laid. The longer they go without it, the quicker they lose interest.  They’re tired of putting in time on a woman with little to no ROI. Yes, that means time, emotional and financial investment.

Let me be clear. I’m not encouraging women to have sex before they feel comfortable. But I am advocating that women be a bit more self-aware and honest with themselves and the guys they date. Two months and she’s “not there yet?” There’s something wrong there. Which is her responsibility, not his.

 

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Filed Under: Best of Moxie, Break Ups, Dating, First Date Sex, Hook Up Culture, Sex

Best of Moxie – Is He Cheap or Was He Testing Her?

January 4, 2011 by 58 Comments

Originally posted Sep 2 2010, 153 comments

Name: Perplexed in NYC | Location: New York , NY |Question: So- I meet a guy at a bar on friday 

night, we exchange numbers, text and agree to meet up at a local Thai restuarant.  He is a psychologist.  We order two appetizers and water. (He doesnt drink, so I didnt order one, but boy did I need one). The waitress puts the bill in front of him and we continue talking because we are in a deep conversation. The waitress came back 2-3 times to pick it up but we just kept talking. Finally he grabs the bill and Im kind of annoyed that he didnt take care of it right away so I reach for my wallet ( isnt that what we are suppose to do?) and he says ” so do you want to split the check”? Im like “sure”.  Im horrified and Im thinking.. wow. This psychologist must not like me and think I am a wack job. Then he asks me ” ok so whats next? where are we going to go”. He then askes me if I want to go to another resturant for desert.  Im totally perplexed at this point.  I never encountered this.  We go to the bakery split a desert, the bill comes and he says “since you didnt like the desert, let me take care of this”. The bill was $4.50. I am totally turned off by the level of cheapness.  Am I expecting too much? I polled some of my guy friends and they laughed and said he was in the wrong. Your opinion? |Age: 35

I never encountered this.

I agree that, ideally, he should have paid the bill. He didn’t. Welcome to 2010, where men have no clue what a woman wants and what will offend her. For every woman who feels the man should pay, there’s another who doesn’t. What’s perplexing is why you were “annoyed” at how long it took him to pay it. I would take that as a sign of interest. Were you annoyed because it made you feel uncomfortable in some way? Or are you annoyed looking back on it because you think you failed a test?

I am totally turned off by the level of cheapness.

If that’s something that is important to you, and the guy doesn’t deliver, move on.   No need to overanalyze the analyst. Heh. See what I did there? The only thing I’d suggest is that you not be so quick to define someone as anything after just one date. Like I said, this guy could have been used for his wallet more times than he cares to count. It’s okay to be mindful of something. Just don’t look for reasons to reject someone simply because you don’t want them to reject you first. (Which is what I think you’re doing here.)

Maybe what’s really bothering you isn’t that he didn’t pay, but that you fear he didn’t pay because he thought you  “weren’t worth it.” That and the fact that you’re seeking validation for your opinion means this man made you feel insecure for some reason. You want people to tell you he’s a jerk so that his possible lack of interest and possible analysis of you stings a bit less. FYI…I doubt he was analyzing you, but I totally get the paranoia. I’d have wondered the same thing. Any kind of non-professional relationship with a therapist has those moments where you think they’re “shrinking” you.

Im totally perplexed at this point.

I get that and I’ve been there. We assume that if a man is interested then he will pay the bill. Unfortunately, that’s just not the case anymore. What perplexes me is that a man not paying the tab in spite of wanting a second date has become more common, so I’m wondering how it is you’ve never managed to encounter this sort of thing. You appear to have these preconceived ideas of how dating “should” go, how doctors “should” act, etc. You’re gonna should yourself right out of luck. Hi-yo!

I think the only dating rule that’s hard and fast these days is that there are no rules. Each person, each date, each meet-up should be taken on an individual basis and not compared to others.

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