I have recently moved to the US and am a little horrified by the sense of entitlement that some women in New York seem to have. I’d appreciate a reality check on my experience. I’ve recently had a couple of dates with girls that I met online, that followed a very similar pattern. In both cases, we went for drinks in a bar, and as the conversation was good, wound up moving on to dinner after that. In both cases again, when it came to paying the check, the girls offered to pay their share, but since I was having a good time I went ahead and happily picked up the full tab. Both were enjoyable evenings, and ended with a peck on the cheek and talk of meeting again some time soon.
Now, here’s the thing. Both of these girls totally disappeared in the following days when I tried to set up a second date. One sent a vague reply to an email saying how busy she was, and the other simply hasn’t answered a phone message and email.
Now, my question is, it seems clear to me now that neither of these girls had any intention to meet me again. That’s fine; first dates don’t always work out for both parties. But if a girl lets me pay the entire bill, I take that as a sign that she is at least interested in meeting once more to see how things work out. To let the guy pick up the entire tab and then totally disappear just seems like the height of arrogance and entitlement. I ask this question because otherwise these were both very nice girls who showed no signs of a lack of manners, etc, in other areas. Is this simply the way things are done in New York? If so it makes me very wary about spending any money at all on first dates in the future… It’s not really about the money, just that tawdry feeling that I have been used. |Age: 34
In order to avoid feeling used in the future, keep first dates to a cocktail or coffee. That’s it. You shouldn’t be spending all kinds of money on these women when they really haven’t earned that yet. The reason they let you pay is because you’re the man. You assumed the risk of feeling like a chump by trying too hard to impress them. They let you. They’re not necessarily “wrong” for that. Now…of course they should offer to pay their half if they are not interested. But a lot of women don’t. They just assume that you’re the man and they’re the woman and so they shouldn’t have to contribute. For all you know they were interested and, like when men disappear after a 1st date and in the words of Marcia Brady, “something suddenly came up.” Both genders experience this post 1st date confusion and sometimes feel blindsided. Women sometimes pay out in sex. Men pay out in cash. It sucks, but it happens to the best of us. We get in the moment, think things are going well, act one way. Then, in the light of day, people change their minds. Or they always knew there wouldn’t be another date and were just playing along to get what they wanted.
Now, if you do continue on these expensive little excursions, then you’re within your right to only pay half. Even if you like her. I mean, she’ll think you’re a cheap son of a bitch with no social graces. But if she expects you to just shell out $100+ dollars because she just got her hair done, then she deserves a bit of a reality check. If you don’t feel a click, and the bill is more than, say $50…you definitely should suggest you split the check. Under $50? Pay it yourself and be done with it. Men who quibble over $10-$20 look petty and cheap. She did invest some money to be there, be it in transportation or grooming I guarantee, so it’s not like she’s getting a total free ride.
I have to be honest. A man who spends a ton of money on a first date comes off desperate and trying too hard to impress me. If I were you, I’d keep the early couple of dates to modest outings like a night at wine bar (you can find great ones where you can spend maybe $50 for a first date) or an afternoon coffee date. No dinners. It’s just too much.
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