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Minding The (Age) Gap

April 26, 2012 by 72 Comments

Name: xyzed
State: NY
Website:
Question: Is there an appropriate age gap when dating someone younger?

I met a wonderful woman during a speed dating event and we have been dating exclusively during the past month. During our first conversation she asked what my age was and I was contrite and replied 48 Yr. She is 35 yr old. I asked if she felt the age is too great then we can remind friends and not pursue a relationship. I also made it pretty clear that I was not open to having kids. I already have a teenager. She was pretty cool and responded that she was open to whatever happened. We have not shared any information with family or friends because it’s only been one month and too early to be publicizing.
We are getting along great so far and I know that age is just a number.

So the question is:
Can the gap in age get in the way of a meaningful relationship? Also should a woman know by this age if she wants kids or not?
Age: 47

 

I think once someone hits their 30′s an age difference of 13 years is not that big of a deal. To me, the issue isn’t so much the chronological age gap, but rather the developmental difference between the two people. Someone here once told of her experience of being a college student of 20 or 21 and dating a man in his early thirties. The ten years that separated them wasn’t as troubling as the fact that she was a student in school and he was an adult. That’s where things get creepy for me. That sort of dynamic reeks of  looking for someone to worship them and wanting someone to control.

An adult male or female with an adult career and an adult life dating someone who is still, by all practical terms, a  young adult (18-25) feels inappropriate to me. Sure, I know people will say things like how it’s really about the two individual people, etc. I’ve found that the people who say such things are the people who do such things and feel defensive. We all know that there are socially acceptable age gaps and socially unacceptable age gaps. If that bothers you then don’t date someone barely out of high school or college. Frankly, if you choose or have to do that instead of dating someone closer to your own age, you have bigger issues.

It’s about the experiences that come with being a certain age that matter to me. You don’t want to be someone who has been financially independent their whole life taking on someone who has pretty much lived off their parents for most of theirs. Nor do you want to be someone who works 40-50 hours a week dating someone who has no experience with or understanding of that sort of schedule or lifestyle. You need to have commonalities in those areas. You can’t just say, “Well, we both like the outdoors and live music!” Shared interests are great but shared experiences are what help couples truly bond.

In my mind, there is no such thing as a “really mature” 22, 23, 24 year old. They might be mature for their age, but they’re not as mature as their much older counterparts. Which, I think, is the point of why these men and women date people in this age bracket. I mentioned it in yesterday’s post…I believe it’s a control issue and a need to be the superior partner that encourages people to date someone much younger than themselves. Someone that much younger with limited life experience won’t know that the person they’re dating has issues. They’re too busy being impressed by their lifestyle. Once they get out of their twenties it’s a whole different story. They’ve been through enough (or should have been) to understand more about relationships and life in general.

This doesn’t just apply to men, either.  A woman who dates someone  much younger does so for a reason, and that reason usually is she can’t get a guy her own age or the men her age don’t want her. Yes, there are the women who date younger because they don’t want to get married and have kids or have already done so. I know. But they are the exceptions to the rule, not the rule in my opinion. Any woman who says she wants to get married and have kids who gets seriously involved with someone much younger does not want a real relationship. She wants a boyfriend. That’s it. She’s settling because she wants to say she has a relationship, not actually wants or is capable of having a relationship.

As for whether or not a woman of 35 is reasonably sure of her decision to have or not have kids, I think that’s subjective. I don’t know enough about her to be able to tell you for sure. I think when a woman hits 38 or so, she’s probably more sure one way or the other. 35 is still young enough to change her mind. Only time will tell. You’ve done the right thing by telling her upfront that you don’t wish to have any more kids. It’s not on you if she decides she’s not really okay with that. I say ride this out and enjoy it.

 

 

DISCLAIMER – This site is about and for expressing my opinions.  Any likeness or similarity that they may have to persons living or dead is coincidence. I am not responsible for internal personalizations or general butthurtedness.If you’d like to file an I’m Butt Hurt!! complaint, please do so here.

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Filed Under: Biological Clocks, Birth Control, Dating, Older Men/Younger Women, Our Biological Clocks Tagged With: , ,

She Wants Kids, He Doesn’t – Now What?

April 10, 2012 by 24 Comments

Name: Amy
Age: 38
Website:
Question: I have been dating a man with 2 kids for about 4 months. I do not have any kids of my own. At the beginning of our relationship we discussed kids and i told him i wanted a child either naturally or by adoption. He told me that he did not want another biological child but wasn’t sure of me having a child by artificial insemination or adoption. Last week, he finally told me that he can not be a father to another child. He said he had made a commitment to his children and he wants to stick to it. The conversation was pretty emotional for both of us. We ended the weekend with me taking the time to decide if i wanted to continue to be in the relationship. He continues to text and call me and i know that he cares. But i am torn…

 

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Biological Clocks, Dating, Dating Over 40 Tagged With: , , , , , ,

What Would You Do If You Got Pregnant?

April 2, 2012 by 11 Comments

Here’s an interesting discussion that I had recently with a friend. He was sharing with me that one of his male friends recently learned that his girlfriend of a year and a half was pregnant. This spurred a discussion about birth control and the various types of conversations people tend to have when they begin sleeping with someone new.

We’ve hit on the STD talk. We’ve covered the birth control topic. We’ve dabbled in how to tell someone you don’t want children. But there’s one other rather critical conversation that never seems to be discussed before the sexy time. And that is:

What would you do if you got pregnant?

It’s not the sexiest of talks, of course. And it’s a bit of a boner killer. But it’s still an important piece of information that people need when deciding if they wish to engage in a physical relationship with someone.

Yet this is rarely if ever brought up. Interesting.

Accidental pregnancies these days are rare. But they do happen. Something isn’t implanted correctly, or maybe you took your Pill later than you normally do. Maybe the condom had a tear. Things happen. But I’d think people would rather know ahead of time what the other person’s ideal course of action – at least in the hypothetical – might be.

Or maybe this is a stupid and useless conversation that would do more harm than good.

I’m curious to know if anybody here every broaches this topic before sleeping with someone.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Biological Clocks, Birth Control, casual sex, Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Beware The Man Who Commits Too Soon

January 15, 2012 by 109 Comments

Name: Carina
State: Florida
Age: 32

Comment: Moxie,

I moved to Florida last August from NYC.  Dating here has been great!  So much better than in NYC I have to say. I dated a few guys my first few months here and then I met a great guy 1st week of December.  We hit it off right away and we started a committed relationship within our first week.  It has moved quite fast.  We’ve only been together a bit over a month now but I can already feel he’s the one for me.  Of course since I’ve never moved into a relationship so quickly (and being a jaded New Yorker), I cant help but question the relationship sometimes.  I’ve been staying at his place 2-3 nights a week and he asked me yesterday if I would like some area in his closet to put my things because I go back and forth with a bag but I always need things that I don’t have with me plus my daily personal things etc.  And its getting annoying to be carrying a bag back and forth.  Also, this morning he mentioned that he would get me a key to his place.  He works from home most days and sometimes hes in the office on long business calls and when I get there after work Ive had to wait until hes done with his calls to open the door… I also use his gym sometimes or go in and out to get whatever so I dont know I guess hes thinking it would just be easier I guess…  Hes asked me a couple of times if I would feel comfortable living there and I think I would.  We already told each other we are in love, he met my family NYE (I havent met his) and we are on the same page in terms of what we are looking for… family, children…  He even asked me if it is something Im looking for in the near future.  He says hes ready for it and has hinted that within a year he would like to be moving forward with that plan which is exactly my wish.  We are the same age btw, 32.  Hes taking me on vacay next month to Europe and we just cant wait!  But, what do you think about this closet space and keys situation?  I feel like I want to be with him ALL the time.   And while this situation may sound great feeling the way I feel about him, Im afraid it may ruin what we have or may even make it too comfortable and easy for him (isnt it againts “the rules”?) and he may never pop the question.  What do you think?  I dont want to regret my choices later on…
State: Florida

 

You’re asking a lot of good questions. Unfortunately, you’re not asking the one question you should be asking.

Why is this man in such a rush?

I’ll say it. This situations feels all kinds of shady to me.

We hit it off right away and we started a committed relationship within our first week.

You can’t be serious that you think this is in any way normal or healthy. It’s not. Forget about all those stories you hear from friends and on websites or blogs. While a small percentage of these examples might actually be healthy, the large majority of them are not. Either somebody’s desperation or loneliness is being exploited or they’re both emotionally unhealthy people who happened to find each other, as most emotionally unhealthy people do.  That’s it.

Right now, you’re just so excited that you’ve met a man who not only wants to commit but wants to do it as soon as possible that you’re not seeing this situation clearly. You’ve crammed a bunch of milestones in to 6 weeks. Really think about that. Does that sound rational to you? Do you think it’s wise to be discussing children with someone you’ve been dating all of 6 weeks? Especially when you haven’t even met his family? Who the hell knows what sort of defective DNA he might possibly be carrying with him. These are the things that need to be considered when discussing children. People don’t just say, “Hey! Let’s have a baby!” There are things to be considered, many of which require that you have a clear and strong understanding of your partner’s values and history.

He works from home most days and sometimes hes in the office on long business calls and when I get there after work Ive had to wait until hes done with his calls to open the door

Um…what? He makes you stand out in the hall while he finishes his calls? And you don’t see anything wrong with that?

Right now he’s keeping you preoccupied with trips and sweet sentiments and offers of commitment. Why? You need to ask him why he’s in such a rush. You also need to ask yourself how it is possible you don’t think any of this is weird because your warning bells should be clattering so loud that you can’t hear yourself think.

I do not trust any relationship that starts off this quickly and intensely. Sorry. The only people who move this fast are either people with an agenda that has nothing to do with love or people who are needy and co-dependent.  Now, maybe you’re co-dependent, too. Maybe you two are both co-dependent people who have found each other. Super. Unhealthy people find each other all the time. But you two are talking co-habitation, possibly merging some of your finances…and children. Capital B Big Deal. These are not things you jump in to.

Im afraid it may ruin what we have

What exactly is it that you have? What could you have possibly developed in 6 weeks that is so profound? You are so caught up in the trappings of this relationship that you are ignoring the blaring sirens. He’s got a great apartment, he works from home, he’s taking you on a trip, he’s met your family, he’s said the “L” word. What do you really know about this man? And no, I’m not suggesting you do a back ground check. I’m suggesting you wake up, take off those rose colored glasses and ask yourself why you’re so willing to go along with this romance. I get that you moved from a  city that has a dearth of commitment-minded men. I understand. But that makes this story even more questionable. The new in town single woman desperate for a man who will commit meets one that commits in a week. It’s too perfect.

I’m telling you. No healthy  man is jumping to commit after this short of a time frame. No way. If they do, they’re either really desperate or shady. Men know that the best way to get a woman to behave the way he would like her to behave is to agree to be her boyfriend and “commit.” It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Once he gives her that, he can pretty much do whatever he wants. He will point to that one gesture to “prove” his worthiness and use it every chance he gets.

You need to take a few steps back and look at this situation objectively. You also need to get some background on his relationship history. This guy has either scared every woman off or he has moved a few other women in to this apartment only to have things dissolve soon after.

 

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Filed Under: Beware, Biological Clocks, Book, Commitment, Dating, Latests Posts, Managing Expectations, Marriage, Men To Avoid, Monogamy, Red Flags, Shackin' Up Tagged With: , , , ,

Best of Moxie – Would You Give Up Wanting Children For Mr./Ms. Right?

January 5, 2011 by 5 Comments

Originally Posted October, 2010 – 33 comments

Name: No kids |Location: NYC , NY |Question: I’m a 30 year old man who does not want children.  I  have not wanted children since I was a teenager but I thought that was normal and it would change. However, it has not. My brother and sisters all have children and while I like playing with my nieces and nephews, I’m glad to only see or babysit for a few hours. I basically spent my late teens and early 20′s raising one of my little sisters (10 year age difference) and I had enough of that.

I’m not a cold man; I’m very affectionate and I actually want to get married and have a house but I just don’t want children. I don’t want casual sex or one night stands. Basically, 98% of all of the women that I’ve ever known want children; if not now, then someday. This really hurts in dating.

My dating pattern is like this: I meet a girl, we get along, we go out on 3 or 4 or 5 dates (maybe have sex, maybe not) and then she asks me ab out kids. I do not and will not lie just for sex or a relationship so at that point, the dating ends. I don’t want to bring it up on the first date because that’s too much too soon. The girl almost always tells me how I must make a good boyfriend or would make a good husband (though I don’t know how they’d know after a few dates) but that is a deal breaker.

However, I’m really, really tired of going into a date thinking that all I can hope for is 3-4 dates and that’s it. So, I don’t really date much because I get too depressed thinking that it just won’t go anywhere anyway. I’ve had one long term relationship but that ended because at the beginning she said that she didn’t want kids also and then 8 months into it, she said she did. I loved her and also now I’m honestly suspicious of that too.

That was 3 years ago and I haven’t gone out with a girl past 5 dates since. I’ve been on dates with about 15 women in the last 3 years but it just always ends at that point and none of my friends know women who don’t want children so they can never fix me up. I don’t know what else to do. Where can I find women that don’t want kids (that, not to offend anyone, aren’t 40, or already have kids).

Are there groups or is that odd? Are there places with women my age (26-35). I am just really sad about this because I just don’t have any hope now for a future with a girl even though I’ve met some sweet and wonderful women but I know that it’ll never be. I like this site and you because you are always honest so any and all advice is welcome. Thanks. |Age: 30

I know there are some women out there in your desired age range who don’t want children. I’m not sure they’re as rare as you think they are.

You don’t want kids? That’s fine. But why are women 35-40 off limits? I’d think you’d increase your chances of meeting a woman who isn’t on the baby track if you aim for women a little older than 35.  If you don’t want kids, which is a deal breaker for a lot of women, then you need to start compromising a bit. You need to get over whatever biases you have about women over 35 and you need to start becoming more open to other options.

I do not and will not lie just for sex or a relationship so at that point,

But..you do lie. By not being honest about this very important fact early on (at least after a couple dates) then you are lying. You don’t have to tell the women on the first date. In fact, I’d advise against that.  If this is definite decision for you, and you’re sure of it, then you need to be upfront about it before the woman gets too invested. You don’t wait until after you have sex with women to tell them, Mr. I Don’t Lie to Have Sex. That’s just not fair and you know it.It’s an awkward conversation, for sure, but it’s one of those disclaimers you have to put out there for the sake of the other person’s feelings. That and “I don’t ever plan on getting married” or “I’m not looking for anything serious.”

If you’re doing online dating, I’d suggest changing your “Wants Kids” options on your profile to Maybe. Okay, so it’s really a No. Now. But you have to get your foot in the door somehow. You very well might meet someone who decides that she’s willing to forgo having children in exchange for meeting her ideal partner. Don’t presume to know what every woman you meet is thinking.   You should also widen your search criteria to meeting women with the same selection. Don’t only search for women who don’t want kids. Here’s a secret. Many of us say “Maybe” or even “Yes”even though we really mean No. Even if we’re set on not wanting children.  Let’s face it, some people still have it embedded in their brain that women are supposed to want children. Like I said above, there are plenty of women who have decided that they do not want children and feel very confident in that decision.  Don’t be so closed minded that you cut off your options. You don’t know what any truly wants or who anyone truly is until you meet them.

Also…How do you know you won’t change your mind? And why are you not open to changing your mind? Your reasons are yours, of course. But I’d be really sure that you’re not going to change your mind before you start crossing all these women, older and younger, off the list. Like I’ve always said, we decide what we want in our twenties, and by our thirties we’ve pretty much thrown a lot of those things out the window. We change. It’s never smart to close yourself off to any possibilities. For all you know, either you’ll change your mind or a woman will fall in love with you and decide that she isn’t as gung ho about having kids as she thought.

If you’re intent on sticking to this no kids stance, then I’d suggest going to Meetup.com and doing a search for Single and Childfree groups or going to Speeddating events for the 35+ crowd. But my main suggestion to you is to be more open in general. Be open to older women and be open to the possibility that you could meet a woman who might surprise you.

Now, there’s a second question that popped in to my head as I wrote this:

Would you give up your desire to have children if you met an ideal partner?

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Filed Under: Biological Clocks, Dating, Dating Over 40, Men & Younger Women, Our Biological Clocks, Sex