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How Far Will A Man Go To Avoid Being The Bad Guy?

September 6, 2012 by 16 Comments

Name: jennifer
Age: 29
State: mi
Question: I meet a young man in June, we hit it off really well. A few weeks past of us hanging out constantly and so I finally “gave myself to him”. July passed every thing was great, I got pregnant(oops) and lost the baby at 7 weeks. Pretty much since I lost the baby my boyfriend has become distant, in the last few days hes been just telling me the things I wanna here, has nothing going on except taking care of his sibling and has not called or came over. He says I love you, tells me I have to be strong because of circumstances. My question is is this his way of saying he had his fun its over?

 

I would think so, yes. He’s in a no win situation. You and he got pregnant after dating barely 2 months. He likely never intended for things to get serious. Now he has to to stick it out for a period of time so that he won’t look totally heartless.

There was a letter a couple months ago from a guy who met a girl online, took her out once, had unprotected sex with her and got her pregnant. He did what it sounds like your guy is doing. He stuck around for a couple weeks until she got the abortion, gave it about another week and then broke up with her. He was going to end things anyway, but then she revealed she was pregnant. Now he’s stuck. No matter when he broke things off, he’d still always be the guy who got her pregnant and then dumped her.And when he did end things – a week after her procedure – you can be sure she immediately threw that abortion in his face. That was a last ditch effort to try and guilt him into staying with her. He did everything he could to prevent things from escalating and tried to answer every question she asked. Including the toughest question:

“But whhhyyyyyyy?”

The answer was simple. He said he didn’t see any kind of future with her and that he was going to end things earlier, but he waited due to her pregnancy and because he wanted to do the right thing. When she pulled out the “but you got me pregnant” card a second time, he told her exactly what I instructed him to tell her. He said, “Well, I don’t really know that for a fact, do I? If you slept with me without a condom on the first date, it’s not a far stretch to assume you’ve done it with others. I could have just walked away from you and I didn’t.” And like I predicted, that shut her right up. As usual, women get the truth that they say they crave, and then realize they didn’t really want it.

What men fear most about being honest with women is that they know, regardless of what they say, most women will hear what they want and likely hate them any way. Be honest and the woman will accuse them of leading them on for their own benefit.  Lie and the woman will probably still think they’re being deceptive in some way. That’s why many men avoid these tricky conversations all together. Cowardly? In some cases. But in most, the men know that they still will be branded an asshole. They take the hit regardless. They pray the woman will take the hint and go away quietly. And frankly, she should. Insisting upon an explanation is merely our ego talking. We must be acknowledged. It’s not enough to walk away with dignity. We need that acknowledgement to reassure us that we meant something to that man, even though we’re probably not even getting the truth.

Your guy is trying to detach from you as painlessly as possible. So let him. You knew the answer to the question before you hit Submit on the form.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Birth Control, Book, Break Ups, casual sex, Closure, Dating, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Rejection, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Is Looking For a Man Who Will Commit A Waste of Time?

September 5, 2012 by 66 Comments

Name: Becky
Age: 23
State:
Question: I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 months. When I was younger it wasn’t big deal to me, but now it’s getting frustrating. About myself, looks wise I want to say I’m higher than average, I’m in shape, very feminine, and I have a great job in sales, this translates me to having great communication skills and can carry on a conversation with anyone without dominating the conversation. I typically never have a problem getting a first date, second date or even third. However getting past that is hard with someone I genuinely think I could see myself with. Obviously, I realize I’m the common factor here. I’ve thought of 3 things I’m thinking could be the issue, but I’m wondering if there is something you can give me insight in that I’m not seeing.

1.      I’m terrible at the playing hard to get. When I think someone is equally interested in me I get really excited and start to text them as much as I would a good friend and I text a lot. I think this over eagerness sometimes might be scaring guys off.

2.      I’m really bad about jumping into bed with people on the 2nd or 3rd date. Sometimes I wonder if I had waited longer and made sure there was a deeper connection maybe they would have respected me more to want to develop a relationship with me.

3.      I’m not sure I’m dating the right type of guys. I usually date guys much older than myself. The youngest guy I’ve dated in awhile is 30, but usually they are in their mid-30s. I like to think I’m attracted to the older guys because they are more stable and in a place I don’t feel like many people my age are, but I am. I also pick guys who I don’t feel like would be up to my standards (intellectually, education, job, multiple kids), but I like to give them a chance. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt and usually my gut about those guys was correct to begin with.

Are any of these a giant red flag that I shouldn’t be doing? Or maybe you’ve picked up on it being something completely different I haven’t even figured out yet. I just want to start dating again, but I want to do it better and more successfully. Thank you.

 

Before I answer your questions, I wanted to include a posting in a list serv I belong to called Help a Reporter. The gist of the list serv is that writers post story and article ideas and ask for feedback and contributions from writers, experts and lay people. Here’s one post that was in yesterday’s newsletter:

I’m writing an article for Match.com’s Happen mag about the
two-month mark as a relationship milestone that many
relationships just can’t make it past. What is it about the
8-week point that can bring on the fizzling of interest?

 

The first thing you should know is that your experience is not atypical. The two-month mark appears to be the norm nowadays. With all the options out there, people don’t have to commit as quickly, if at all. Many men and women actually like dating multiple people and casually dating. It works for them. The simple reason why it’s harder to find a man to commit is because there are fewer men willing to or interested in committing. If women continue to look for those needles in the haystack, they need to understand that that search is going to take much, much longer than they originally expected. If it’s commitment they want, and they’re dating on a schedule, they best get comfortable with the idea of “settling.”

Now, as for the three points you mentioned might be working against you.

Whether you text “too much” is subjective. I don’t know how these men are responding or the frequency of their responses. As a general rule of thumb, I don’t prolong text conversations and pay attention to cues. If his responses are clipped or delayed, I keep the conversation short and sweet. If he seems as engaged as I do, then I just enjoy the back and forth. Typically, though, I save most communication for when we’re together or on the phone. I do think it’s wise to be a little less available. There’s no harm in maintaining  some mystery. Don’t let the guy know you’re hooked. You can let him know you’re interested. Just don’t play your hand too soon and let him know you’re ga ga.

As for the sex….that’s probably not an issue either. The idea that a man likes a challenge and will lose interest if you sleep with him too soon is a fallacy developed by women and insecure men. The more accessible women make sex, the less valuable it becomes in the dating market place. That means that sex is no longer the bargaining chip or “prize” that can be used to get certain behavior from men. Hence why so many women are trying to poison the well by telling women they need to keep their legs closed or risk never finding a manz. The idea of a “deep connection” and wanting to be recognized for “sharing your body” are romantic notions also manufactured by women. In other words, most men don’t think like that. So unless you’re attaching inordinate expectations to the sex, the sex itself isn’t the problem either. As long as you’re not romanticizing the act of having sex with a man and aren’t using it to gain something other than pleasure, you’re fine.

Your third point is more troubling. You’re admitting that you choose inappropriate men, yet you’re confused as to why these men aren’t sticking around. They’re not sticking around because they aren’t appropriate for you. Sure, you might think that they are more on your level in terms of stability and education. But they likely don’t feel the same about you. If anything, they’re dating you because you’re not mature enough.  We’ve discussed this before. Men don’t look too closely at a woman’s earning potential or education level when trying to determine compatibility. Those things fall pretty low on the list of priorities. You’re fun to hang out with and bang for a few months. Ultimately, the difference in maturity levels and lifestyles become too apparent to them. If they’re looking for someone to be the mother to their children, that driven career woman side of you is a negative. They’d rather find someone who wouldn’t mind putting their career on hold for a few years. So they’ll settle down with a woman who has already achieved a certain level of professional success or someone with no real career aspirations.

I think you’re biggest challenge is your ego and what you think you deserve. I think you tend to see yourself with a specific type of person. Someone who you feel is on your level. The problem is that most of the men you appear to pursue don’t find any of the things you find important as important. To them, you’re pretty much just a hot 23 year old. You’re fun for awhile, but then they find someone they can take seriously.

My advice is to start dating men who are more appropriate for you and get a clear understanding of what men consider important and attractive. Your diploma, job, apartment, etc are pretty much irrelevant to these men. You also need to understand, especially amongst the men you tend to gravitate towards, that commitment isn’t a priority. Either accept the fact that you’re going to be part of a harem or readjust your expectations as to what you “deserve.” And PS? You can develop your own harem, you know. Men did not corner the market on that idea. You’re 23 and really attractive. Jesus. Work it. Enjoy it. You can date a handful of guys that each meet a specific need. Just understand that if settling down and having kids is a priority, you’re going to have to make some sacrifices and compromises eventually.

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Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Book, Dating, Dating In a Big City, First Impressions, Hook Up Culture, Meeting Men, Monogamy, Sex, sexuality, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

She Will Be Loved

September 2, 2012 by 66 Comments

Name: Sara
Age: 39
State: CA
Question: Hi Moxie

I posted this about 2 weeks ago, and I’m not sure if you got it, so I’m sending it again.

I have been actively looking for a partner for two and a half years, and haven’t had a second date with anyone I felt good about.  I approach dating on the basis that it takes time to build rapport and attraction, so always accept second and third dates (within reason) but none have blossomed into a relationship so far.

My lifestyle is pretty adventurous – my business allows me to spend large chunks of the year in some great overseas locations, and I often spend 3-4 months in one location before moving on to another.  This has led to some amazing experiences, and I’ve met some fantastic people, but there haven’t been any romantic adventures so far.

Last year, I decided to stay in the US to find a relationship, and after 12 months of online dating, speed dating, going to relationship coaches, attending seminars, buying products related to attracting men, and approaching / fliritng with men in real life,  I haven’t met anyone with “relationship potential” I have now made peace with the fact that I won’t get what I’m looking for.

By relationship potential, I mean someone I can see myself spending a lot of time with.   Enjoying holidays with the family together, travelling together, having fun and supporting ourselves through life.  I believe in investing time to get to know the guy better, but if there’s no platonic attraction, I don’t see the point in taking things further.

Ideally, I’d love to meet someone who I can do all the above with, and whose work allows him to travel with me.  An entrepreneur, full-time blogger, freelance writer… an adventurous guy who ditched the 9 to 5 to be the master of his own destiny.  Deep down though, I know that a man like that in the 40-55 age group can easily attract a younger, more attractive woman.  In fact, I’ve met them while travelling, and they have their pick of very young exotic beauties.

I’m ready to resume my travels and focus on work again, but family and friends are pleading for me to stay and keep on trying.  When I explain that the options available to me are limited, and that my ideal man has the pick of younger and prettier women, they look upset and say things like “if you had more self-esteem/confidence, you would have attracted him by now”.

Logically I know that I can either lower my standards and force myself to make a relationship work with a man I won’t be happy with, or carry on with my previous nomadic life, be open to meeting new people, use the skills I’ve learned in the US, and let whatever happens to happen (even if that’s nothing).

The second option sounds more realistic.  What do you think?

 

Here’s what I think. We all know that the first part of my answer will be that you are the common denominator. Therefore, since you’re the only consistent factor in each experience or situation, the issue probably lies with you. That’s just plain common sense.

But let’s look at this from a different angle.

I was on Twitter yesterday and came across a tweet that ended up haunting me for the whole day. It said:

I’m the type of girl that falls in love with Justin Bieber because I’m not the type of girl that boys fall in love with.

That tweet brought me back to those nights when I’d climb into my Dad’s car after a school dance. He’d ask if I met any boys, I’d say no. He’d get quiet for a while and then say, “Don’t worry. Your time will come.”

Yesterday was the first time in probably forever that I ever so clearly recalled that. I ended up in tears off and on all day. I cried for two reasons:

First, obviously, because my father did just recently die and memories of him tend to do that to me, though not to this degree. Granted, I’m ovulating and therefore I have to remind myself that what ever I’m feeling is exaggerated. I try to imagine what it must be like for a parent in those moments. How powerless they must feel when all they want to do is make their child feel better.

Second, because I identified so closely with the young girl who wrote that tweet. Like her, I’m not the type of girl that boys fall in love with. Meaning I have never been and never will be that girl who always has men swooning over her.

I wanted to reply to her tweet and say what my Dad used to say. Don’t worry. Your time will come. But I’d add one thing.

It might not look like what you think it will look like.

A promise like “your time will come” is a loaded one. It implies that, simply by being, we will find someone to share the journey. I happen to believe that if someone truly wants that, then they will have that. That was something else my Dad always said. Take this excerpt from a letter he wrote me:

Now, to answer a question you ask me most of the time to which I always say it is up to you if you find someone. My real answer is that I hope so before my time is up. I would ask God of nothing more than to see you happily married.

I guess what I’m suggesting with all this is that it’s up to you if you ever find someone. I have to say that, from your letter, I hear far more passion from you when you talk about traveling and your job than I do when you speak of pursuing a relationship. Maybe the travel and the experiences is your time. You’ve found something to love. There’s no rule that says you have to pair off like an animal on Noah’s Ark. That’s an idea that gets planted in our head as we grow up. We mature believing that we’re supposed to want that. We don’t ever seem to consider the possibility that not everybody is destined to have a great romance or “soul mate.” We weren’t all born to be the type of girls that boys fall in love with.

That doesn’t mean we can’t have that, if that’s what we truly want. Like I said, I think we’re capable of having exactly what we want if that desire is a true intention and we’re willing to sacrifice and work for it. I guess it all comes down to how badly you need and want that. I happen to think that many relationships are borne from need. The need to fit in. The need for reassurance. The need for attention. That’s why most of those relationships have short shelf-lives.

I think your second option not only sounds more realistic, it sounds a hell of a lot more fulfilling and fun. You can find men to share your life for a time, should you want that. That’s not hard to do. You’ve tried all these ways to meet someone and nothing has worked. Maybe that’s because  you really didn’t want them to work out. Maybe it’s time for you to be honest with yourself about what you really want and why. Right now, you are bound by nothing. That’s actually a pretty ideal place to be at this point in your life. So take advantage of it.Think you have a fatal flaw keeping making you unapproachable or that sends a distress signal to men? Figure out what it is and fix it, if only because everybody should commit themselves to personal improvement and growth.

Live your life for you, not the expectations or hopes/fears of others. Just do it authentically and honestly.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Blogging & Dating, Book, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Happy & Healthy Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

How Long Do You Wait To Commit?

August 20, 2012 by 35 Comments

I was reading Evan Mark Katz’s blog this morning. The article was about whether or not 3rd date sex is the “new normal.”

I was amused by one comment in particular. The woman was claiming victory because she and her guy have been dating 6 whole weeks and they agreed to be exclusive after date 5. Also making her proud was that she laid down the law about how she wouldn’t have sex until they were exclusive. And he agreed.

Now, I can’t think of a bigger recipe for disaster than this. Basically, it’s an impulse purchase. In the moment it’s what they want. Then they get it home and try it on and it doesn’t quite fit or work properly.My question would be…why? Why is this person so quick to make the sacrifices that commitment requires?

A woman who does this just doesn’t care about sex.  Since sex and sexual issues are one of – if not the – leading causes for break-ups/divorce, it’s kind of a big deal. To agree to swear off all other partners when you don’t even know if this particular person will satisfy you is a huge risk.

A man who does this is hard up or doesn’t like/care about sex or doesn’t think it’s a priority. In which case, the relationship might work. Fingers crossed, kiddies.

But let’s examine the bigger issues of exclusivity and commitment. Why would someone commit after a handful of dates/weeks? Is it that they’ve met someone so incredible that they can’t bear to lose them? I suppose that could happen. More likely, though, the guy was coerced into committing or committed knowing he was eventually going to leave.  It’s not really a pledge or commitment. More like an open-ended promise. “I’ll agree to stay with you for as long as this works or until I meet someone else.” Commitment, true commitment, does not include or involve takesies-backsies. Agreeing to be exclusive with someone,, while thinking in the back of your mind that you’ll just break up if things don’t work out, is not commitment.

Let’s look at this another way. If a man isn’t getting sex regularly anyway, what is he sacrificing if he agrees to wait for sex until he commits? Even bad sex is still more sex than he’s getting.  If the woman can’t manage to find any guy to commit to her, then what is she sacrificing? In both cases, nothing. So what makes the commitment sacred in any way? Call me cynical and jaded all you like…I think the shelf-life of a relationship that starts off like this or where exclusivity is decided upon within the first month is very brief. Before people come back at me with examples of how they committed to someone before they had sex or within a few weeks of dating, I want you to ask yourself one question: how long did it last? Because if it lasted a year or two, I’m sorry, that doesn’t count unless your goal is to have a series of short-lived relationships. Swearing off sex with other people and giving up your independence for a year or two isn’t an accomplishment.

I don’t know how anybody can think that, after 5 dates, you can determine whether or not you and another person are compatible in the long term. I don’t even know how people can do that after a year, what with how people are constantly evolving and changing. I understand why most women do this, though. The need to say that they have  a boyfriend overpowers them. Without a man in their life (or without male attention) their lives are empty and meaningless. That’s why you hear women say things like, “What do you know…YOU’RE SINGLE!” To them, nothing is worse then being alone. They need to have a man to refer to so they can feel confident in themselves and in their opinions.  Having a boyfriend gains them immediate access into a club to which they’ve always longed to belong. One of the membership perks is trotting her man out at weddings, parties, blog comments or on Twitter. Often times these women aren’t even all that interested in the men they bamboozle into committing to them. What they become dependent upon is the attention and the validation the relationship provides.

It’s shocking to me how so many people here underestimate the power of attention. Men are just as guilty of this. Some men have such a bottomless need for it that they’ll intentionally seek out women that are, as one male commenter lovingly called them, below their weight class, as they’ll shower them with adoration. Classy.

So…back to the original topic/question:

Would you commit to someone or pledge exclusivity before you have slept with them? Why or why not?

How long do you typically date someone before you agree to be exclusive?

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Filed Under: Book, Break Ups, casual sex, Commitment, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Lies, Dating Over 40, Monogamy, Red Flags, Sex, sexuality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

A Crash Course in Dating Red Flags

August 13, 2012 by 41 Comments

Since we’re on a bit of a Red flag Roll, here’s another blog post I read this morning that is FULL of them. Single Dating Diva has been gracious enough to let me deconstruct it. She’s not going to curl up in the fetal position and cry in the corner and run to twitter and tell everyone about her omigod “haters” and lock up her tweets. She’s got guts, so let’s keep that in mind when we’re commenting.

Okay. Read the story here first.

Ready? Okay.

So my “friend” and I have been friends for a while.  We met as colleagues but he was in the land of far far away and I was here in Canada.

Now, I’m going to take this to mean that they never actually met. SDD has confirmed this. By the time this all went down, they had known each other via work for a little over a year. The “romantic” development began the spring of this year.

We have been through various ups and downs together, as friends.  We’ve been there for each other through some of our hardest challenges.  This brought us closer together and created a very trusting and loving relationship….  It was great, since we had the solid friendship base it was an easy transition into romance.  There was love there already.

As we discussed yesterday, many women have a tendency to idealize relationships and dynamics. Their FWBs are “good friends” who “respect and care for them.” Reality? They’re just guy who don’t treat them poorly.  There’s no tangible or hard evidence proving this alleged loyalty and respect. It’s all in the woman’s mind. That’s especially easy to do when you have no first hand, in person experience dealing with someone. So, while SDD believes that they have been through ups and downs, she doesn’t know him well enough to have a baseline of his behavior. Establishing that takes time. It also takes face to face interaction. A lot of it. This bond that she and this friend of hers developed likely didn’t actually exist to the depths she believes it did.

We also decided not to mention it to any of our other colleagues so as to not create a weird situation in case it didn’t work out.  Actually, I didn’t really mind telling people, but he was adamant we didn’t.

Bam. There’s the first real red flag. Why was he “adamant” that she not tell anyone?

All was great and, he being the type to “shout it from the rooftops” that he was in love, he did.  But he didn’t mention any names.  He wrote publicly that he had met someone very special and only had eyes for her.  No one really asked who it was…I was asked by one of our colleagues and was forced by him to lie (sorry!).

And there’s the next red flag. So, he’s adamant that she not tell anyone, but he runs to Facebook and announces it? Inconsistency. Plus, the announcement was vague. No names. That’s convenient.  When men make public declarations like this, usually if not exclusively it is for the benefit of the woman he’s dating. Guys don’t typically get all mushy in public. In private? Sure. But not in public. If he does it in public it’s because he’s trying to prove something to the woman he’s dating or someone else.  Finally, nobody asked him who the lucky lass was. Know why? They probably already knew. Or they didn’t care, as this guy has a habit of falling in and out of love.

The reasons why a man will ask a woman to hide something are that he’s either very private, embarrassed by something about the relationship OR he’s being dishonest in some way. Since he ran to Facebook and announced this, the “very private” excuse doesn’t cut it.

He would call me his “missus”, he sent me love songs, talked about the future, even talked about buying furniture together for one of his homes.  So he booked his flight here to visit and when the day came for him to come he was so excited, sent me several text messages and then he had problems getting on the flight.  So he supposedly spent the entire weekend looking for a way to get here “because I was worth all the hardship and trouble” he said.  He wasn’t successful.

See, this sort of behavior feels really childish. Especially the effusive compliments. I’ll take Spring to mean May or June. So then they’ve basically been flirting for 3 months. Maybe 2. Somebody talking about buying furniture with you after dating 3 months, let alone”dating,” should raise that red flag. We don’t know exactly what was said. He could have made a joking reference to needing her help shopping for a couch. Who knows? In any case, 3 months of non-in person interaction is not nearly enough time to have such conversations. I don’t care what anybody says. When I hear these stories of people meeting over the internet and never meeting for a year but falling in love, I roll my eyes. Something is off about that. It might work, of course. But only because the two people are of the same emotional/social maturity level.

So he cancels this trip that he was super excited to take. Hmmm…red flag.  Then he evades her for the next few days. That, my friends, is when her internal warning system went off.

But instead of just dropping him and letting him show her if he was being genuine, SDD decided to “trap” him in his lies. Which, for future reference  ,is a giant waste of energy and time. This is something women do because it makes it seem like they are taking control of the situation. Except they’re not. They’re hoping against hope that they haven’t been duped.

The next day he sent me a message that someone very close to him was very ill and in the hospital.  So he couldn’t talk.   Each day that went by, I was more and more patient.  But he started speaking to me less and less.   Even responses to my emails were becoming a rare treat.    He said it was because he was spending all his time at the hospital with this person who was ill who the doctor’s gave a negative prognosis.  I tried to be loving and supportive and told him I would fly there to be with him even if that meant I was sitting in a hospital all day.  I didn’t care.  That’s what you do for your friends and those you love without thinking twice.

No. That’s what you do for someone you actually know because you’ve met them in person. This is how women get scammed online. They believe the unbelievable. We’ve all been there. I’ve been there.  When all the pieces fall together, it’s  a punch to the gut.

A few days after that, I was online and saw pictures of one of our other colleagues (who was even further away from him geographically than I was).  So I looked through the pictures and saw him in one of the pictures with her. Hmm, I thought, that’s strange, he was spending day and night at the hospital with this ill person.  So I sent him a message asking him if she was in the land of far far away and that I saw him with her.  His prompt reply was that she was there for “business” and promised he would take her for lunch and that I should “not panic”.

This is why I say that trying to “catch” someone in a lie is a waste of time. They’re just going to lie, and you’re going to believe them because you want to. If you were ready to not believe what they say, you’d have ditched them by now. That’s why you don’t ask leading questions. When you find yourself at that point, you just leave. She had photographic evidence that he was out and about at a time when he said he was stressed out by a sick loved one. Case closed.

The reveal? He was dating someone else who lived out of town. Shocker.

But a couple of days later, I woke up in the middle of the night and I felt the urge to go check the other woman’s account.  So I did.  Lo and behold pictures of them together doing various activities looking quite happy together.

Annnnd….scene.

Funny thing is that if he had been honest from the start with me we could have at the very least salvaged the friendship.

If SDD took anything from this situation, it should be that there was never a friendship to begin with.

 

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Filed Under: Book, Cheating, Closure, Dating, Don't Date 'Em, Douchey Guys, Loneliness, Long Distance Love, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

And That’s Why..We Don’t Take Everything Men Say At Face Value

August 12, 2012 by 47 Comments

One of my favorite dating coaches, Evan Marc Katz, had an interesting post last week. A reader, Mandy, submitted a letter about her current manz situation.

Evan, I’m in an interesting situation. I have deep feelings for someone in my “dating circle’, have become the closest person to him, and yet I know I am not ready for anything serious, in fact I freak out at the thought of anything heavy. He isn’t ready either, so we’re in the same boat.

I am 30, and he is 40. We just like to watch movies, cuddle, hold hands, kiss, talk…we don’t have to have full intercourse all the time, which I find soothing. He usually gives without expecting anything in return. It’s a very sweet and fun situation, and I want it.

But I am a bit confused, since I’ve never been averse to a serious relationship. He has female friends he hangs out with and flirts with, (which I don’t mind) but he doesn’t have sex with anyone but me. Same with me. I “circular date”, but he’s my only sexually intimate partner. He tells me he highly values what we have. I really do too.

So, my question is: Is it okay to want this, since we don’t want anything heavy right now?

Evan’s advice was, as always, quite spot on. Is she wrong for wanting a casual situation? Nope.

However, as I said in my comment on this post, I think we should dig a little deeper. My comment:

I think Mandy is accepting of this situation because she believes this guy when he says he’s not sleeping with any of these other female friends that he flirts with. If he were, I think she’d be less accepting of what this guy offers.
Whether she wants to admit this or not, she believes that – despite the lack of expressed commitment from him – this is a relationship with potential. Let’s apply some critical thinking and common sense to this situation: why would a man tell a woman that he was not sleeping with anyone else? Men only do this for two reasons: because they want to be exclusive or because they believe it is what the woman wants to hear because she asked him and he wants to avoid conflict. Since exclusivity isn’t an option here, his confession likely falls under Option 2. It’s perfectly fine for Mandy to participate in this relationship. But she should accept the reality that this guy is likely sleeping with others, or at least he will.  That’s one of the main reasons why men don’t commit – they don’t want monogamy.

Let’s look at the three glaring red flag/inconsistencies here.

1. This man has a number of female friends that he flirts with..but doesn’t sleep with them – Let’s first ask ourselves why he’s telling Mandy this. Maybe she asked him, which means that this is in no way casual for her. Or he offered this information. In which case…why? As I’ve said before, I don’t trust anybody with an inordinate number of opposite sex friends. Go ahead. Call me suspicious. Men get something out of regularly palling around with women. Maybe that guy likes to be the wise Yoda. Or he’s just investing, just in case he needs a break in case of emergency lay. Or he genuinely wants to date them but knows they want more than he can give. Or he’s gay. Rarely is it ever a genuine desire to hang with the ladies because he gets so much from female companionship.  What’s that? I’m so cynical? Yeah, yeah. The line starts at the left. Sometimes men develop friendships with women who think like guys. I’ll give you that. But for the most part, someone with an atypical number of opposite sex friends (especially if that number is drastically disproportionate to their same sex friends) does so for a reason, and it ain’t companionship.

2. When he and Mandy are together, things don’t always lead to intercourse – Sorry but, what’s that? I know, I know. I should be praising this man for not being all about the sexy time. Uh huh. Whatever. That’s not typical. It’s even more suspicious in light of the fact that he has many female friends that he flirts with yet claims he doesn’t want to have sex with them. He only wants to have sex with Mandy. You  know. Occasionally. Women tend to find a man’s lack of interest in sex as charming. “Oh, he really likes me! That’s why he doesn’t push for sex. He’s interested in me for more than sex.” Uh, one? If he’s straight and confident and has no hang ups, he wants the sex. Don’t kid yourself. Two? If he’s not wanting sex whenever you’re together, or at least most of the time, and he’s content with cuddling, there’s more to the story. Men don’t hang out with women to cuddle. I can assure you that he’s either not big into sex, using you for attention,  or he’s getting it somewhere else. Now, maybe the woman isn’t into sex either. Yay, right? Wrong. A lack of interest in sex usually stems from either physiological issues or psychological issues. Some are fixable. Some aren’t. It’s not as simple as, ‘Oh, they just don’t make sex a priority.”

3. This man told Mandy that he doesn’t want to sleep with anyone else, despite the fact they both have expressed that they don’t want anything serious - See, I don’t trust confessions like this. Revealing this feels strategic to me, despite how or why the revelation was made. He tells me he highly values what we have. Okay. But what do they have? Cuddle buddy nights watching Netflix? They have no expressed commitment. There isn’t even a promise of a future. It’s..nothing.

Now, I don’t know what exactly is going on here. What I do believe is that this guy is being disingenuous and misleading in some way.

This is what critical thinking is all about. It involves challenging assumptions and not taking everything at face value, despite the fact that what we are being told fulfills every wish and dream we’ve ever had. That alone should make you question what you’re hearing.

What Mandy is hearing is the polar opposite of what she’s being told. She’s hearing, “I don’t want to sleep with anyone but you.”And my guess is that’s intentional on the guy’s part. That’s what he wants her to think, what with all his talk of “valuing” their relationship and how he’s not getting sex anywhere else. He wants her to think there’s a future, or that he cares more about her than he actually does. I won’t even go into the fact that he’s 40 and single and accruing female friends that he flirts/sleeps with. Kind of a no-brainer there.

Thoughts?

 


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Filed Under: Book, casual sex, Commitment, Critical Thinking, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Dating The Crazy, Managing Expectations, Red Flags, Sex, sexuality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Hustler

August 9, 2012 by 28 Comments

Here’s an interesting story:

I met K. online earlier this year. I contacted him. He is an actor, 40 and “lived” in Brooklyn. We met once for drinks. Kiss good night at the end of the date and nothing more. He said he wanted to go out again and made tentative plans for the following weekend. I didn’t hear from him again after that and figured HJNTIM

A couple months later his profile popped up in my Activity feed. He had changed his location to Massachusetts. I did not contact him. A few months later I get an email from him through the website. His location had changed back to NYC. He never mentioned our date and neither did I. We made small talk and then he asked if I wanted to go out again. I said yes. We met for drinks a few nights later. He told me that he hadn’t been with a woman in a very long time because he was still getting over a break up from the year before. (?) He walked me home and asked to come upstairs with me. I said no because I had had a couple drinks and thought I would fall asleep. (That was the mostly truth.)  He stays in touch daily after that. He said he had to go home for a week but that he wanted to get together again when he got back. We make a date for the night after he gets back. A few hours before our date he emails me to tell me how excited he is to see me and how, if it was okay with me, he’d like to stay over.

I canceled the date.

Here’s why:

First off, the fact that he changed his location on his profile was odd. Changing it back a few months later was even more strange. I’ve said before that I don’t like dating transitional guys. Guys who are in between apartments, couch surfing, newly divorced/broken up, etc. To me, his living situation seemed too unstable. I still went out with him because I didn’t have the full story and figured I’d unravel the mystery eventually. As long as I wasn’t being asked to spend money on him or carry him in some capacity, I was okay with getting to know this guy.

Next was his sob story on the second date about how he hadn’t been with anyone in a while due to his past break up. Uh huh. As I said last week (and that post was partly inspired by this situation) someone who makes such a confession is either socially clueless or being strategic. Really? An above average looking guy of 40 living in NYC can’t get laid? Please. A comment like that is meant to lull the recipient into a false sense of security. Yes. I’m so sure that I’m different. Something about me makes this man want to peek his head out from under that shell and rejoin the word. Yeesh. How do women not smell that a mile away?

The third nail in the coffin was his request – before the date – to stay over. Now, I only  invite a man up to my apartment if both I plan on sleeping with him and feel comfortable with the possibility that he might stay over. Sorry, but to kick someone out after that is rude. If the guy wants to leave, that’s fine, but I would never ask someone to leave.

All along, my Spidey Senses were tingling about this guy. That growing hesitation was enough for me to pull the plug. I didn’t have to set any traps or Google stalk him. A little critical thinking goes a long way.

I replied to his email and told him that I didn’t feel comfortable having him stay over and wished him luck. He replied and said he was really looking forward to hanging out. I didn’t respond. No damage done.

My gut feeling was that this guy was more looking for a place to crash than anything else. I happen to know of a guy who does something similar, only he actually lives with his GF. He doesn’t pay rent, she takes him away with her on trips, usually pays his bar tabs, etc. He’s constantly crying poor though he recently started his own business. We recently gave me a sob story about how a client owed him a ton of money and that he had to go to a b-day party “where he couldn’t even afford to drink.” Um, stay home? It felt suspiciously like a request for a loan. I never replied to his email.

I don’t care how a guy supports himself. He just has to support himself. And, preferably, lives on his own if he’s over 30, but that is somewhat negotiable. I don’t care if he supports himself off an inheritance or investments or savings. Though I would prefer that he be doing something productive, even volunteering, with his time. It’s one thing to take some time off because you came into some money. I don’t think I could do that long term, for say more than a few months. I’d go crazy.

I could never date someone who wasn’t in some way pulling their weight or who was living off the hard work of other people.

Yet there are plenty of people who effortlessly and shamelessly do just that. The guy from my first story is likely cruising that website looking to cultivate a group of women to date so that, when he gets acting gigs in the city, he has a place to stay. My guess is he actually lives in Massachusetts and comes here for acting jobs. Swell. Get a shoebox apartment in East Harlem for $600, get a second job like every other actor on the planet, and pay your way.

People like this – and they come in both the male and female variety – are Hustlers. They basically leech off other people rather than pay their own way. They comprise a big part of the underbelly of dating in a big/expensive city that attracts dreamers and breeds spoiled rich kids.

Beware.

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Book, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Don't Date 'Em, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

This Is How To Get Past The First Date

August 7, 2012 by 49 Comments

Name: Cheerios
Age: 33
State: NY
Question: So here’s my latest dating gripe. A guy from an online dating site wrote me and immediately wanted to exchange numbers. I’m down for that since I’m a fan of meeting up as soon as possible to test the chemistry waters. We exchanged two emails, and then spoke on the phone. The guy called me at 10:30pm on a Monday night, though he did ask first if that was ok (being it was so late) and I agreed (maybe I shouldn’t have). We had about a 10 minute conversation at most, and from that short talk he determined we wouldn’t click. Really? Now we have a 10 minute window (on the phone no less- not even in person!) to make an impression??? The conversation was fine, a little awkward as most first phone calls can be, but nothing overly bad/good. I’m just so over the online thing. Everyone is so judgmental so quickly. Of course I’m wracking my head to think what I could’ve said that would’ve turned him off, but have no idea. He did notice I sounded tired on the phone (it was 10:30!), but we talked about where we grew up, went to college, a little about our jobs, about our birthdays, & that’s about it. Can’t figure it out.

 

Of course I’m wracking my head to think what I could’ve said that would’ve turned him off, but have no idea.

That’s because you probably didn’t say anything particularly offensive or off putting. Like I’ve said before…the phone step is just a way for people to find something wrong with someone so that they don’t have to meet them.

Here’s a very simple rule of thumb. People who want to meet people meet people. They don’t want to hop on the phone after two emails at 10:30 at night. You were being set up to fail.

He did notice I sounded tired on the phone (it was 10:30!), but we talked about where we grew up, went to college, a little about our jobs, about our birthdays, & that’s about it. Can’t figure it out.

So then you discussed nothing at all relevant or interesting? Gee, can’t figure out why he might have determined you were boring. I mean, other than he sounds like he has no conversation skills and has poor social skills himself. This is why the phone step is a waste and if rapidly becoming another red flag.

We had about a 10 minute conversation at most, and from that short talk he determined we wouldn’t click. Really?

Let me let you in on a little secret. This guy was never going to meet you. He truly believes that he’s interested in meeting someone, flexible and oh so engaging. In reality he’s a snooze who is afraid to meet people in person.

It’s funny. The people who bring the least to the table seem to have the most opinions, disclaimers and required steps. They think everybody is boring, weird, strange, etc. Nope. They’re just hoping people won’t stick around long enough to see all their warts.

Stop being so boring and uptight. Develop a personality. Have fun. Stop going into every date with a checklist and all these phony opinions you’ve developed. Case in point:

I am not recovery, however, I personally don’t like to drink, perhaps because I am the daughter of someone who went through recovery?  And also just don’t crave alcohol or find it enjoyable…and it seems it’s very hard to find men out there that don’t drink, or suggest going for a drink on date 1, 2 or 3.  And if you don’t drink with them?  Some men don’t find it enjoyable.  Perhaps I am dating the wrong men.  I just find that society today is very fixated on getting intoxicated or drinking to be social…when I can have a blast and be social without drinking at all. – Eliza

Good grief.  Have a cocktail! You don’t have to get hammered. But geez…loosen up. Sip your drink and make conversation. Leave your judgey uptightness at home. It’s a first date. Not a Dick Cavett interview. The problem isn’t that they like to drink. It’s that you don’t. So either become more accommodating or only date men who don’t drink. Sheesh. Same goes for you guys with a chip on your shoulder about women who get alimony. Until something directly affects you or creates a problem, get over it. Some of you look for stupid things to hang your hat on and so you can blame other people, when the blame should fall squarely on your shoulders.

One thing that I notice when reading  profiles is that many of people either try way too hard to sound dynamic or come off like complete shut-in bores. You have to find a middle ground. Lean how to be engaging, both in writing and in person. Try to make your likes and hobbies sound interesting and, dare I say, sexy.

Here’s an example:

A quick glimpse into a day in my life:

*Early morning work outs that get you energized for the day ahead

*Fumbling around my kitchen trying to make blueberry pancakes with bananas

*A hot shower that includes coconut scented body salts (or vanilla. I love both.)

*Walking my eager pooch who manged to snag a couple bits of faux blueberry pancakes

*A few hours scratching things off my To Do list like call back Client X, write up a spec sheet and send you a flirty text

*Kicking off my shoes after a day’s work to jump into a sundress and flip flops to meet a girlfriend for wine and catch up at her place.

*Joining friends for a Mash-Up potluck dinner

*Catching up on the latest episode of Fringe, The Walking Dead or Mad Men

You can take an ordinary life and make it sound intriguing. It’s all in the way you write it.This woman sounds fun, laid back, sexual, active and social. That’s the woman that men like to date. She’s also not afraid to encourage a man to picture her naked. That’s what men want to see.

Same goes for the guys. We don’t want to hear about your job or your travels. I completely agree with the people who roll their eyes at those who list out all the places to which they’ve traveled. Don’t care. And we definitely don’t want to hear about your kids.  Leave the self-important humblebraggery for your blog or diary. I remember reading a guy’s profile once. He had posted quotes from women berating him in response to his profile. He was so proud of being considered an asshole. Not attractive.

Oh, and another tip? Stop listening out all the bands you love and books you’ve read and your favorite movies. Instead, use quotes from songs, movies, and books. That’s a great conversation starter and will keep people invested in your profile.

Of course, you should actually include things that you do regularly. Don’t lie (too much.) But hey, a white lie wouldn’t hurt, as long as it doesn’t involve you conquering a goal that there is no way in hell you have even tried to reach let along worked towards before.

Just..be interesting.  Make people want to hang out with you and think you’re fun. And then? Be fun! Forget the interview questions. Forget the rules and the lists. Go get tipsy! Make out at the bar. Play music on the juke box. Dance a little. Try a food you’ve never had. Take a risk!

Here’s another suggestion….don’t ask someone what they do for a living either in the initial email stage or on the first date. Let them tell you what they do. I double dog dare some of you to do that. No, you’re not making conversation. You’re trying to find out what their financial situation is before you’ve even kissed them.  Do you know why you do this? Because you have stunted social skills. I’m telling you…that need to size everybody up and down before you even determine if there’s a mutual attraction is keeping you single. If you can financially support yourself, and the other person doesn’t appear to be a deadbeat leech, then there’s no reason to focus on their financial/professional situation so early on in the relationship.

Learn how to make conversation. Not polite party conversation, either. Talk about things you love, that get you excited. Show your dates that side of you. Who cares if they know nothing about it?? Educate them. Make them want to learn more..from you.Encourage them to talk about stuff they enjoy. Forget about the interview questions!

Stop worrying so much about making a stellar first impression. Don’t go overboard, of course. But don’t be so worried that they won’t like you because you snort when you laugh, love Big Brother enjoy a greasy cheeseburger.

Bonus tip? Ladies, wear something fun and flirty on your dates. Sundresses are a big plus. Men LOVE sundresses. I just bought about 4 new ones that I can not wait to wear. Show a little skin.  Stop being so uptight and being offended so easily. If he says something that gives you pause, brush past it. If he keeps trying to force the conversation a certain way, then leave if it makes you uncomfortable. But at least see it through, if only so you can better learn how to handle such situations.

Every date is more practice for the next one. People should go into every date wanting to enjoy themselves and be good company. Where we go wrong is expecting our date to impress or wow us and forgetting that they are expecting the same in return.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Book, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Skills, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Dating 2.0 Scares Men

August 4, 2012 by 91 Comments

Name: John
Age: 45
State:NY
Question: My divorce was finalized 12 months ago and now I am online dating for a couple of months. I am not looking for a casual hookup but something with LTR potential. Here is a scenario that happened with a woman I met.

She is 45, divorced and has 2 preteen kids.  She lives about 30 minutes from me. She drives and has her own car. She doesn’t work since she is home all day and doing errands, taking kids places, etc. I didn’t directly ask her how she supports herself, house and 2 kids but she is clearly not working and I get the impression she hasn’t in some time. She never mentioned anything about being laid off and  she didnt mention anything about money being tight. So maybe she has income from other sources but it is something I am curious about. But after 1 date, I didnt think it was appropriate to ask her about this.

Our first date we met for a drink and it ended with a good makeout session. It was a 4 hour date. On date #2 I went to her place to pick her up and we went to lunch. I had to be at work by 4pm hence, the lunch date.Her kids were at day camp. After lunch we went back to her place and she was all over me and wanted sex. I didnt have a condom so I didnt, but the fact I had to get back to work provided the perfect way out. It just seemed too soon to jump into bed anyways.

She said we would do it the next next night which was a Friday night (and presumably I would be condom ready). But then she said that she wanted me to drive to her and pick her up, drive back to my place, have dinner and sex and then drive her back to her place and then for me to come home. WHen I asked if it would be possible for her to just drive to me, she said the guy should always pick up the girl. I lost all interest in seeing her. I dont even know her that well to the point that I dont even know what she does for a living so having sex seems like it is too soon for me.

It seems to me like she is looking for something casual. Since I am not, the ridiculous driving I had to do and not even knowing something as basic as to how she makes a living, made it seem too casual for what I am looking for.

I could have kept my mouth shut, do the roundtrip commute twice and had sex, but I felt like I was going through hoops. My best friend said I was nuts to pass up surefire sex on account of not wanting to jump through those hoops. So I am asking you to break this down for me. Maybe I am just not ready to be intimate with someone? Or is this a case of me just being picky?

 

I didn’t directly ask her how she supports herself, house and 2 kids

So maybe she has income from other sources but it is something I am curious about.

You know how she supports herself. Alimony. And? How is this in any way atypical for a divorced woman in your age range with children? What if she inherited money? Maybe she’s in the Mob. As long as she doesn’t try to leech off of you, I don’t see why this matters.  You’re analyzing the innocuous things that ultimately don’t matter unless you plan on marrying her and merging your finances.In short, you’re looking for a way out.

After lunch we went back to her place and she was all over me and wanted sex. I didnt have a condom so I didnt, but the fact I had to get back to work provided the perfect way out. It just seemed too soon to jump into bed anyways.

Okay. But if that’s what you truly feel, then why did you go back to her house? We say this to women all the time. “Don’t go home with a guy unless you plan on having sex with him.” Same rules apply, my brother. I don’t think you chose not to have sex because it seemed “too soon” or because you didn’t have a condom. Please.  When has not having a condom stopped anybody? Especially someone our age? Yes, I know…safety shamer!!! Whatever.  People do it all the time. They just typically lie about it so they can cling to the moral high ground. Congrats. You’re so special. You’re getting right into heaven, disease free. Boo yah!

You didn’t have sex with her because you were intimidated in some way and feared you couldn’t deliver. This wasn’t about catching The AIDS or fearing that you’ll be overpowered and chopped up and put into a box under her bed. Her assertiveness as well as her casual attitude towards the sex is what threw you. Citing  a lack of a condom and the “too soon” excuse just makes you sound discerning and reasonable. Again, you’re looking for a way out.

But then she said that she wanted me to drive to her and pick her up, drive back to my place, have dinner and sex and then drive her back to her place and then for me to come home.WHen I asked if it would be possible for her to just drive to me, she said the guy should always pick up the girl. I lost all interest in seeing her.

 

Right. She, like you, is justifying the sex. She needs you to “treat her like a lady”  so she can screw with wild abandon. I honestly want to bop the two of you upside the head. You could debate her on this and say it’s silly and needless. It won’t get you anywhere. She’s in her forties and divorced. She’s still living in a time when men called women. She likely hasn’t dated in close to 15 years. Our mystical ways confuse her.

You didn’t lose interest because of her request. It’s a 30 minute drive. Come on. You lost interest because you psyched yourself out.

This just in…many women make unreasonable and illogical requests. Welcome to Dating. Thinking you’ll find that one “sane” woman who doesn’t make such requests  is setting yourself up for failure. Either accept that you’ll have to do a little bit of harmless hoop jumping or buy those cats now. Women nowadays are far more assertive than they were when you were first dating. You, like Caveman Lady up there, have been defrosted after hundreds of years of being frozen in a chunk of ice. Remember Austin Powers? Yeah. Like that. The two of you are trying to get your bearings. She wants to be all sexually empowered, but she’s still clinging to antiquated rules so she can justify having sex. (Which must have made her a joy to be married to, btw.) You’re still thinking that femininity means being coy and reserved. Uh uh. Not any more. It’s odd, though, that you’re thrown by her sexual assertiveness, but you’re turned off by her old fashioned request that you pick her up.

So I am asking you to break this down for me. Maybe I am just not ready to be intimate with someone? Or is this a case of me just being picky?

No, you’re not being picky. That’s one of those famous excuses that women use to explain why no guy sticks around. Yes…they dumped him. Not the other way around, okay???? I could get on bored with your thought that you’re not ready to be intimate, though. You’re still figuring out how Dating 2.0 works. I think you need to get a better handle on that, and a better understanding of what constitutes “typical” or “acceptable” behavior before you embark on anything serious or physically intimate.

Bottom line? You’re just ready to get back out there yet. Baby steps.

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Filed Under: Book, casual sex, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & STDs, Dating Over 40, Divorce, Popular Post 3, Popular Post 5, Popular Posts - 2, Popular Posts 3, Sex, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Things You Should Never Admit In a Dating Profile..Or Maybe Ever

August 2, 2012 by 69 Comments

When it comes to dating, there are certain confessions that people really should to themselves.

I can remember reading a man’s profile once and came across something that gave me pause. He answered the question “Are you an honorable person” by saying that he wasn’t an honorable person int he past but was “working on it.”

Oooooh. Dish, girlfriend. Intrigued by his “refreshing honesty” I emailed him and asked him what he meant by that statement. Of course he answered because, well, why else would he admit that in his dating profile? He said that he had cheated on pretty much every woman he’s ever dated. But he was committed to changing.

Oh. Well then.

When people make shocking admissions like this, be it in a profile or in conversation, it’s usually strategic. Sometimes they’re conscious and aware of what they are doing. Other times…not so much.

Here are some things you should reveal with caution. Or maybe not at all.

1. That one time, in band camp? - Yeah, leave those wild nights when you were in college or that time you pulled a train in the past. Sadly, thanks to advancements in technology, some young people’s bad decisions can haunt them all over the internet. The co-ed porn niche is extremely popular. Personally, it skeeves me out, because you just know those kids aren’t thinking clearly or are trusting the wrong people. Your experiences as you explored and expressed your sexuality are yours. Those choices might have made perfect sense to you and you might feel totally comfortable with them, but people will judge you.   There are, of course, people out there who are not intimidated by such stories. At the very least, practice good judgment. You know what will make you sound shady or might imply that you have poor judgment. That’s the stuff you keep to yourself. You’re not obligated to share glimpses of your sexual history with your new partner. Nor do you owe anyone an explanation for your choices.

2. That you’ve been dumped/friend zoned a lot - Nobody wants to date someone that they know is constantly being tossed back into the water. You don’t want to plant seeds of doubt into anybody’s mind about your ability to function in a relationship. Nor do you want to make yourself sound unattractive. We want people who are desired by others. Remember that.

3. That a former employer was arrested/investigated/fled the country – A confession like this should come only when you and the other person have developed a baseline and a sense of each other’s character. Often times, an employee is oblivious to the shady dealings of their employer. But just as often, they are very aware of the illegal and nefarious activities that go on in that corner office.

4. That you cheated - Here’s the thing about hooking up with people with girlfriends or boyfriends. By doing so, they are telling you they don’t care what you think of them. In fact, they don’t really care about you at all most of the time. I know women LOVE to ask probing questions so that they can build faux intimacy with a man. If someone admits to infidelity or some other questionable behavior, don’t automatically assume that that kind of honesty is a positive thing.  Some people are actually proud of being a douchebag.

5. That you were abused in some way- Again, this is something that should only be revealed once true intimacy and trust has been established. It sucks, but many people hear such things and immediately assume that survivor is damaged in some way. It’s a scary thing to admit, but it’s also unsettling to hear, as it makes you wonder how such abuse affected their relationship and interpersonal skills.

6. That you haven’t had a relationship in a long time - Sorry, kids, but this question is a total trap. Lie. Lie your face off if you’ve been out of a relationship for more than a couple years. Better yet, don’t ask this question. If you do, don’t judge. The new reality now, thanks to online dating,  is that many if not most people have a spotty relationship history. The ‘”new normal” so to speak is to date someone for a handful of months here and there. Just because someone hasn’t been in a long term committed relationship in a few years is no longer a reflection on their ability to be in a long term relationship. Lots of people now are perfectly content with casually dating. By choice. Again, welcome to the “new normal.”

7. That you haven’t had sex in a long time – I know. You think it makes you sound discerning. But, let;s face it, people will wonder why you couldn’t get any for the last 9 months. Getting sex is far too easy nowadays. If you haven’t had sex in awhile, either you couldn’t find anybody to have sex with you, don’t have a solid sex drive, or have sexual hang ups. At least that is what many people will assume. On the same note, keep the fact that you just got laid a few recently to yourself as well. Here’s a good rule of thumb. Don’t talk about your sex life at all unless you’re in trusted company.

8. That you’re a recovering addict - We all assume, if someone says they never drink, that they are either a recovering alcoholic or a health nut. Sadly, people have preconceived ideas about recovery and sobriety and addiction. This is something you only reveal when you feel comfortable and know you won’t be shamed or judged. Always make your sobriety a priority.

9. That you’re a frequent drug or alcohol user - Keep the frequency in which you drink, smoke or take drugs to yourself. If you wouldn’t be public about that sort of thing on Facebook, you probably shouldn’t be putting it in a dating profile or revealing it to random strangers you meet.

10. That you had a messy break-up/divorce – Talk about foreshadowing. Keep any and all relationship/divorce drama off the table. Like, for good.

11. That you have a physical or mental illness of some kind – A close friend suffers from a manageable condition. He doesn’t typically tell anyone until he feels things are getting consistent or “serious.” Illness makes us appear weak. Unfortunately, many people are ignorant to most diseases and stigmas are alive and well. This is a revelation that should only come once trust and comfort is established.

12. That you’re unemployed - There are crafty ways to make it clear you are not steadily employed without telling people you don’t have a job. You can say you’re exploring a new field and are lucky to have the flexibility to do so. At our He Said/She Said event the other night, one man made it very clear would never date someone who didn’t have a job. Any job. He didn’t care if the person was supporting themselves through a savings or inheritance. They must, have. a . job. I;m not sure most people are that stringent. Though some are, apparently.

Anything else?

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Book, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Lies, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Happy & Healthy, He Said/She Said, Hook Up Culture, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Understanding Men, Understanding Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,
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