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If You Have To Chase Him, He’s Not Interested

May 12, 2013 by 27 Comments

Name: ANconfwoman
Comment: Hi,

Five years ago in college, I met a guy who I was very attracted to. He was very shy and quiet and it was hard to get to know him. Throughout the entire time we have known each other, we sent occasional text messages and hung out only a few times as friends. We were in relationships on and off and, quite frankly, did not know much about each other’s personal lives.

A few months ago, I messaged him to see how he was doing, and also wanted to get together to catch up. He responded around 11:00pm (hours after I had initiated a conversation) saying he has “always wanted me” but “never knew how to act around me”….And also that he always felt something was there.

He said “yes” to meeting up after I asked, and then bailed. And we made other plans, and bailed again. Disappeared. Please keep in mind, I was always the one initiating for months. Then, he finally said, “Look. I have a girlfriend. I always felt something was between us. I’m worried I’m going to screw something up and don’t think it’s a good idea for us to hang out. Maybe someday.”

Five days ago, I ran into him at an event. He spoke with me as if nothing was wrong. I actually apologized to him for texting to hang out so much knowing he has a girlfriend. I got a text from him (again, late at night around 12am) saying “I’m so glad to see you. I was nervous before but glad I saw you. I want to see you. Let’s meet up. Are you busy tomorrow night? I can meet you for a drink by your office. You looked really good. Sleep well.”

We said we would meet on Wednesday. Wednesday rolls around and I hadn’t heard from him. I texted him. HOURS later, he responded “I can’t today.”

I have texted him several times and called him once since. Have not heard back from him once. Please help. I really need advice.

Thank you for your thoughts.
Age: 24
City: New York City
State: NY

I’m not sure what there is to say here. He has a girlfriend. That explains why there are large gaps of time between your communications. He’s probably not alone. I’ll also guess that the texts that come in late at night probably occur after he’s been drinking. That explains his courage. Then, the next day when he’s sober, he realizes what he did and backs off.

He’s not really giving you mixed messages. His message is very clear: I am not available. When he said that he was worried that he might screw something up, I think he was referring to his relationship.  He’s trying to do the right thing, albeit poorly, by his girlfriend. You need to back off.

If he does ever cheat on her with you, he’ll regret it immediately and cut you off completely. You two aren’t star crossed lovers. You are not trying to help along fate’s design by pursuing him. This feels, to me, like maybe you looked him up one day because you’re currently single and looking for a boyfriend. Now, because he’s given you a tiny bit of attention,  you think you’re close to getting what you want and refuse to let go.

Let go.

You’re 24 years old. There is no shortage of men out there for you to chase around and beg to meet with you. Harsh? Sorry, but that’s what you’re doing.  You ran into him at an event? That’s convenient. I mean, maybe you did. I’m doubting that, though.You’re pestering him with texts, some to which he doesn’t even respond. Hon, time for you to grab some dignity and move on.

If you have to do this much work just to get a guy to meet up with you for a drink, he’s not interested. Forget about the fact that he replies to your texts and the things that he says. He’s being kind and a little self-serving. He likes the attention. He’s going to keep you around for when he eventually dumps his girlfriend. And then he’s probably going to do the same thing with another woman.

You’re never going to have this guy. Not completely. So why bother?

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Filed Under: Cheating, Closure, Dating

Red Flags Are Red Flags For a Reason

March 4, 2013 by 24 Comments

Name: NYCgirl
Comment: Hey guys, so I have a little dilemma with a guy I’ve been seeing. I met him back in July  after hanging out for a weekend with mutual friends we exchanged numbers  started talking via the phone. I went to friend request him on FB  as I was on his page I noticed he had a girlfriend listed. So I didnt say anything to him at first ( I didnt want to seem like a stalker or as if I was playing CIA spy). Being that its FB  he could of very well not updated his profile in some time I let it go. I told a friend of mine about what happened  she asked me to check his instagram page. I am not one for snooping around but I was curious to see if he indeed had a GF  maybe he was just trying to get into my pants.(I have been burned many times before so my guard is up at all times.) SO with the help of my friend we found his IG page  saw pictures of him  the same girl from FB posted from 2 weeks ago. Now I had already asked him if he was single  he told me yes. After finding all this out I decided to proceed with our first dinner date we had planned. I asked him again, over dinner, to his face, if he was single. “Yes I am” he replied. I kept him around for another week seeing if he would come clean after speaking everyday  he still claimed to be “single”. Finally I called him out on it. He claimed I was playing detective  had no idea what was going on.I never spoke to him after that. Later on I found out from a mutual friend that at the time he met me he was on a “break” w his current GF. They had got into a fight thursday night  he went out friday to “clear his mind”  thats when he met me. So now its December  thru the same mutual friends I see him at a party. He pulls me aside  apologizes to me saying he was sorry  blah blah Me being nice I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt  I decide to give him one more shot. We hit things off right away. He takes me to great restaurants, movies, etc. However I have caught him in a couple white lies that has me thinking. For example, he lied to me about when the last time he sold drugs was. ( He was an ex-dealer  claimed he last sold in 2008) when in fact it was in 2011. Then he lied to me about why he had lost his drivers license  didnt get a new one. We have been dating since December  we already went to Miami together in late January. I thought this was too soon but being that our mutual friends were going also I decided ok. (I would of not gone just me  him so soon) He also talks about marriage  kids  meeting his family  I think hes moving too fast. I sometimes feel like hes trying to “trap me”, I am 30 years old, a registered nurse , I have my own place  make my own money. Hes 28, lives at home  works for his fathers company, so the fact that he wanted to make me his gf after less than 2 months of dating I find a little weird. I would appreciate any input. Thank you!
Age: 30
City: NYC
State: NY

 

Hes 28, lives at home  works for his fathers company, so the fact that he wanted to make me his gf after less than 2 months of dating I find a little weird.

That’s what you find weird? That is probably the least concerning aspect of this story.

Here’s the narrative going on in your head:

You’re a woman who has had a lot of bad luck in love. You have your guard up, have  a hard time trusting men, etc. You are not the type of person to snoop or do any kind of unnecessary recon work on the men you meet. You’re a nice person which is why you give people who lie to you a second chance.

Here’s the reality:

You’re attracted to bad boys. Your guard isn’t up. You trust pretty easily, and usually trust the wrong person. Saying that your guard is up and citing all your past disappointments is supposed to make people feel sorry for you and sympathize for you rather than suggest you have really bad taste in men and are probably a little desperate.

Here’s my take on this:

This guy is a drug dealer with a criminal record. A record you found when you weren’t playing detective. He’s anxious to get out of his parent’s house, so he’s trying to get you all buttered up so you’ll take him in. You clearly don’t trust him and never have. Yet you continued to date him despite having caught him in numerous lies. You’re not concerned that he wasn’t to make you his girlfriend. You’re not unsettled by how quickly he appears to be moving. You’re unnerved because you know he has an agenda.

He accused you of playing Nancy Drew when you confronted him with a lie because he knew he was caught. Remember what I said a few weeks ago about paying attention to how someone reacts when you criticize them. If they turn it around on you, they know the accusation is true to some degree and are trying to change the subject and make their accuser feel insecure.

The only reason he profusely apologized that night at that party in December was because he knew he needed someone else to suck off of as he continued his shiftless life. Lucky for him that you’re so easily impressed.

I’m not sure what you’re looking for here. You admit you’ve caught him in multiple lies. You know his life isn’t terribly stable and that he has dabbled in illegal activities. You continued to date him despite all of this. So what is it that you want to hear? That he’s shady? You know that. It’s not that you think he’s moving too fast. It’s that you want to believe that it’s all real and don’t want to be played for a fool. Again. Oh wait. Again again.

He is trying to trap you. Walk away. Eventually this guy is going to sucker you into taking on the burden that is him. You have your own life, reputation, career and financial situation to consider. This guy will slowly begin to creep into all of these areas of your life and ruin them.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Cheating, Dating, Facebook, Rebound, Red Flags, Snooping, Social Media, Stalker

Here’s Why You Never Reveal That You Cheated

January 31, 2013 by 39 Comments

What if you cheated on your ex-spouse. I’m not talking about serial philanderer, but you got involved with someone and it lead to the end of the marriage.

When would you tell a new love interest…sooner or later?

If you were the new love interest, would you continue seeing someone who told they’d cheated? – jp?

You wouldn’t tell your new love interest. You’d never go into details about why your marriage ended other than to say something vague like you grew apart.

If your ex is especially vindictive, she might spill that can of beans. If you feel that might happen, you wait until absolutely necessary to come clean. When you do, you tell the truth. You don’t make anything up or make your ex out to be a shrew or a psycho. If you messed up, own it. But do not make a martyr of yourself and offer this information under the guise of being honest or whatever other nonsense you read in some magazine or on a website.The only reason you’d be doing it is to beat your ex to the punch or out of a fear of being caught. If you know enough women, you learn that all that yammering about wanting to know the truth is a crock. They don’t. They can’t handle it no matter how much they insist they can.

Remember…women will tell you to be honest because they want to see you fail and hate the idea of being duped and deceived. Nobody likes that, obviously. It’s bad enough to know that a guy made a fool of you. It’s much, much worse when you believe (or rationalize) that you were fooled or humiliated by another woman.

Keep this news to yourself. No good can come from it. No, you will not score points with your refreshing honesty. You’ll stir up a shit storm that will never calm back down. The woman you tell will never trust you again. If your ex wants to be the one to reveal that, let her. Then you’re a victim and you’ll have a better chance of using the tried and true, “I was just unhappy but that all changed when I met you, baby” line. Which will work on most women because, again, women are competitive with other women. We like the idea of beating out another female, even in competitions that only exist in our heads.

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Filed Under: Cheating, Critical Thinking, Dating, Dating Advice Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Man Who Was Burned By His Ex

January 30, 2013 by 35 Comments

Name: Peter
Age: 28
State:
Question: The last post in regards to single vs divorced is the impetus for this letter.  I am currently separated from my wife and required to live apart for 1 full year before filing for divorce in my state with 6 months down and 6 more to go.

I have listed myself as divorced on my online profiles versus separated as there is zero chance of reconciliation, although I remain legally married.  We have a separation agreement, so our assets are settled and all that is left is a court date in 6 months to tell the judge we’re done.

My problem is that being 20-something and divorced carries a stigma.  I was married 5 years and my wife ended up buying a plane ticket to see another man and asked me for an open marriage.  I told her to cancel the ticket and move out or she could fly out to see the guy with the expectation of me not being here when she got back, so she moved out and cancelled the ticket last minute, keeping her options open.  A month later, she asked for a divorce, rebooked her plane ticket, and ended up moving in with the guy several states away just a few weeks later.  I found her journal on the computer when I was sorting through backup files and figuring out what files I needed to get back to her and found out before we got married she cheated on ex-boyfriends, tried to break up engaged couples, and basically fell in love with every man she ever met and manipulated them for her personal gain.  It turned out everything was an elaborate front and the woman I married never existed.

The bottom line is I was a victim in my marriage/divorce.  Before I found out she wasn’t the person she claimed to be, I told my ex-wife I’d quit my job, quit grad school, go to counseling, and do whatever else it took to save our marriage, but it was all for nothing if she wasn’t willing to put forth the effort since I couldn’t save our marriage on my own.  She told me not to do any of the above and gave up on me, which in hindsight was a good thing after finding her journal.

I live in the Bible Belt/South and the type of women I want to attract are those with strong values as my ex-wife turned out to not have any values at all.  This typically means a woman who is religious or politically conservative (of which my ex-wife was neither), which I have no problem with, but I carry the divorced stigma and get judged negatively despite the fact I was willing to give up everything to make my marriage work.  My parents are divorced and a “family history of divorce” seems to also be a red flag with  women also.

Beyond the divorce stigma, I’m a catch: I’m good looking, work out regularly, earn six figures, own a house, finish grad school in May, and I’m obviously not afraid of monogamy or commitment.  I realize that everyone my age has baggage and the key difference is how people have managed their baggage.  The only thing scarier than a man with a past is a man with no past. I don’t want to tick the box as never married and be deceptive and I don’t think it is appropriate to go into divorce details on a dating profile, but it sure would be nice if the women who weren’t emailing me back because I ticked the divorce box knew the reasons behind it without sounding like a vindictive crazy man.  If I would have had a church wedding, I’d have grounds for an annulment and would have never been married in the eyes of a church and could claim never married with an asterisk. What’s a guy to do to improve his odds without being a big fat liar liar pants on fire?

 

Here’s my question:

Do you want to date or do you want to bitch? Because it sounds like you just want to bitch. I’m not sure you should be dating at all at this juncture because you’re clearly not any where near past what your ex-wife did. This wasn’t really a letter seeking advice. You just wanted to vent. Which, I’ll tell you now, is unattractive. It’s unattractive in women and it’s unattractive in men. I understand that what she did was selfish, thoughtless and hurtful. I do and I’m sorry. But this woman didn’t become a shrew overnight. Nor did she hide it, as so many people like to say happens when they wake up one day and realize they dated an asshole. These people aren’t the cunning and calculated sociopaths we like to tell people they are. We refer to them as such because that’s a much easier pill to swallow than admit we were just blind or needy or lonely or desperate. And because it removes all responsibility from us for why we chose them.  She always was who she was. You just chose to ignore it.

Sweetheart, you’re wife picked you for a reason. Yep. She carried on affairs and manipulated you behind your back. Do you know why? Because she knew you’d either never catch on or you’d ignore it and let her do what she wanted because you feared losing her.

I was married 5 years and my wife ended up buying a plane ticket to see another man and asked me for an open marriage. 

Do you understand that by doing this she was telling you she couldn’t have cared less how you felt? No matter what you said, she was going to do what she wanted to do. I guess what I’m wondering is how you fell for this girl in the first place.  You need to figure out why you married this woman or else you’re doomed to repeat this mistake.

As for the rest of your letter, TL/DR. I mean, I read it. You’re so stuck in victim mode that it was struggle to get through it. I’m guessing that this is just who you are: a professional victim. You’re whining about stigmas and your selfish ex-wife and society. People who adopt a victim mentality tend to get victimized. That’s how it works.

What’s a guy to do to improve his odds without being a big fat liar liar pants on fire?

Well, the first thing they do is to swear never to say “liar liar pants on fire” again.  This isn’t about online dating and being divorced with an asterisk. What can you do? You can stop feeling sorry for yourself, take responsibility for choosing poorly, find out why you were attracted to your ex-wife and fix the problem. There you go. Boom goes the dynamite.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Beware, Break Ups, Cheating, Closure, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating After Divorce, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Myths Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Getting Married In Your Twenties Is a Mistake

January 24, 2013 by 42 Comments

Name: Lishlet
Age: 30
State: New York
Question: Should I try to save my marriage? If so, what should I do…?

My husband & I have had a lot of problems the last 2 years.

First he pushed me away by not talking to me anymore & telling me to go out with my friends instead of with him. To try to re-open the lines of communication, I wrote him a letter saying that I felt he was pushing me away & I wanted to fix our communication problems he told me we didn’t have problems, yelled at me that I was crazy/over-dramatic like my mother & then went for a walk outside. I have now learned this is how he always handles problems. If I don’t 100% agree with what he says or thinks he says I’s attacking him so he starts yelling/cursing/deflecting to get me to “stop talking & go away”. Within 6 months, I found out he knew he was going to get laid off from his job & didn’t know how to handle it so that was the reason he pushed me away. I tried to be supportive of him & I’m very successful in my career with a lot of connections but he pushed me away even more in 2012.

This led us to have two problems in 2012:
1) His fault-
He won’t:
- let me help him find a job because he says “I’m weird & do things differently than normal people”.
- talk with me about creating a budget together or combining our finances because he says he’s embarrassed about his lack of income (which I told him I don’t care about but he just delays meeting with me or storms out).
- get counseling or google online to deal with his problems because that’s weird too
- initiate sex & rarely has sex with me (even if I beg/cry for it he just tells me I’m “so weird because other wives stop wanting sex”)

He tells me he loves me but when it comes to any serious conversations about goals/life he still gets angry at me saying that I’m attacking him and he refuses to acknowledge me sexually other than telling me “You look pretty today”. (Note: I was a model & I want than words.)

2) My fault-
I’m not happy to admit this but I’ve cheated. At first it was an accident when I was drunk with a friend. I stopped talking to him & tried to focus on fixing my relationship with my husband. But then at another party I woke up at stranger’s place. I freaked out because I’m afraid of getting STDs, never was a cheater type before & I didn’t even know this guy so I stopped going out, stayed home & saw a doctor to get tested over the next several months. Fortunately, I don’t have any STDs but then I started drinking alcohol at home instead of sex. My life then became just work, drinking at home & then sleep. Meanwhile, my husband was mad at me for invading his “home office” so he left to “look for a job” on his laptop at a cafe.

About 3 months ago, I realized that I needed to fix myself before I tried fixing our relationship again. So, I sold my biz & took time off to “find myself”. Meanwhile, my husband continued his usual looking for a job, playing video games, watching porn & watching sports. I tried to get him involved in my “fix myself & be happy again” plan but he said I was “weird & normal people don’t do that”. I then stopped fighting with him because I needed to fix ME. We started living 2 different lives & don’t talk unless it is about cleaning or our cat. I recently got a new job so my life is fine now except my relationship with my husband.

My question is this: should I try to save this relationship? If so, what should I do?

For what it’s worth, I think my husband wants to salvage our relationship but he doesn’t know how & I honestly question his competence on solving any problem after seeing him fail to solve even basic problems over the last 3 years of our 5 years together.

Okay. Here’s my first question:

I have now learned this is how he always handles problems.

You just learned this now? After how many years of being together? 5? There’s something wrong there.How could you possibly just be learning now how your husband deals with conflict?

I guess one suggestion that people will offer is that this man is threatened by your success and feels inadequate because of it. That’s possible. I typically think that’s a handy go-to excuse for women, though. I don’t think most men care if their partner’s make more than them. That’s one of those seeds planted in other women’s heads over long gab fests with their girlfriends. At the very least, he feels like he’s not doing what “a man” should do because he doesn’t have a job. He had something that is an integral part of our identities taken away from him. Putting you down makes him feel less like a loser. But having you constantly buzzing in his ear like a naggy little gnat isn’t helping.

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you’re approaching this the right way. You appear to be talking at him, not to him. You’re not acknowledging his feelings. You’re just pushing him to change without taking into consideration what he’s going through. You’re making him sound like an Ogre, and I’m sure he is, but you don’t sound like a cake walk, either. You sound rather immature and self-involved yourself. How you two ever thought you were mature enough to get married is beyond me.

This is yet another reason why I don’t advocate people getting married in their twenties. It sounds like you and he both never developed the proper tools necessary to maintain healthy communication and resolve conflict. Nor did you learn how to be accountable for your actions, which is a crucial part of being an adult and having a relationship. These skills come through experience and trial and error.

Now for this doozie:

I’m not happy to admit this but I’ve cheated. At first it was an accident when I was drunk with a friend.

Um…no. It wasn’t an accident. You’re not taking responsibility for this. Like I said. You lack accountability. That’s a sign of immaturity. Immature people shouldn’t get married. It’s all shades of adorable that you question his competency at solving problems…but he didn’t break his marriage vows. You did. Which means your ability to solve problems blows, too. Your solution to your unhappy state was to “accidentally” fall on a man’s penis. Sorry, but your husband won that round.

About 3 months ago, I realized that I needed to fix myself before I tried fixing our relationship again.

How very Eat, Pray, Love of you. Too bad you were married and it was no longer all about you. Again, I’ll point out how self-focused you seem to be.

I think if there’s any hope of saving your marriage, the two of you need to get to both couples counseling and individual counseling. You’ll need your own private sessions so you can have a safe space to share your personal experiences and feelings. The couples session will help teach you both how to communicate and take responsibility for your actions. The therapist will act as a guide and mediator and they’ll teach you how to communicate. However, without the ability to empathize for each other, you’re in for an uphill battle. That is something you’re both going to need to work on individually. You both need to stop being so self-absorbed and put yourself in your mate’s shoes.

Since you got married, you owe it to yourselves and your vows to at least try to make this work. If it doesn’t, and you learn that you two just aren’t cut out for marriage, then go your separate ways. You don’t sound particularly devoted to your husband. If you’re not willing to do whatever it takes and endure whatever growing pains necessary, you shouldn’t be married.

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Cheating, Dating, Marriage, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Stop Fearing You’ll End Up Alone

December 16, 2012 by 12 Comments

Name: Cara
Age: 50
State: New York
Question: Moxie, I wrote in before with a question regarding my older (8yrs) white boyfriend who was not introducing me to his family/friends.   You and your readers suggested that I leave him because this relationship wasn’t going anywhere.

I hung in for another 6 months because I wanted to believe that he would finally do it.  In that 6 months time, he did not but on top of that I caught him cheating.  I broke up with him and haven’t spoke with him since.

Since Hurricane Sandy he reached out to me and we have been cordial…now he says he is ready to truly committ to me, wants me to meet his family next week (they will be in town for the holidays) and wants to go ring shopping now.  He says he has realized how empty his life has been without me and wants me in his life.  He wants us to be married within the year (sooner if I agree to move in with him).

I am 50 years old and to be honest the prospects out there of men in who want to settle down are almost nil.  It’s been almost 2 years and although I’ve been dating in that time, most men I’ve met just want something casual where I want to settle down.

Am I in love with him….NO, and I’ve told him so.  But I do care about him still.  He says he will do ANYTHING/EVERYTHING to get me back and show me he is the man I fell in love with 4 years ago (that’s how long we dated).  But at this time, I don’t trust him and I don’t know if the love and trust I felt can come back.

Marrying him will afford me a nice lifestyle (big house, fancy cars, vacations, etc), but I want to marry for love and companionship not just financial security.  I’m just confused about my feelings, my life, my choices, etc.  I don’t want to be writing to you in 5 years regretting not giving him a chance.

Is it really once a cheater always a cheater?  Can people really change?  Please help!

Thanks!

 

So, it took him to almost 60 to realize how empty his life was without a partner? Meh. Not buying it. This feels like a case of The Holiday Blues combined with him coming face to face with the reality that he ain’t getting any younger. For me, that’s not a good enough reason to strap yourself in for the rest of your life.

Take a look around. You have settled down. You’re in your fifties, you’ve obviously got a life and a job and a sense of stability. You don’t need a man to settle down. You can take a partner so that you have someone with you on the journey, but the settling down part is on you. And you’ve done it. You’ve gotten this far without a manz.

Date this guy. Enjoy his company. But don’t commit to him because you fear you have no other options left. Even if that’s true, that’s still never a reason to make a life-long commitment to someone.

Will he cheat again? I don’t know. I’ve said before that I don’t feel that the cheating is the real issue and that it’s just an outlier. The real issue is that, by stepping out with someone else, he clearly doesn’t value the commitment he made to you. That’s just another sign of someone’s poor judgment and willingness to make an empty promise. People with these characteristics don’t tend to make the greatest of partners. I don’t believe those people will change at their core. They might not cheat but they’re still the same people. Especially this guy who is knocking on 60 years old. The thinking that drove him to cheat likely won’t change.

Choosing whether or not to be with someone shouldn’t involve this much internal conflict.

 

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Filed Under: Cheating, Commitment, Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating After Divorce, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Does She Keep Attracting Unavailable Men?

November 20, 2012 by 23 Comments

Name: M
Age: 28
State: TX
Question: I’m an attractive 28 year old single girl, and I seem to attract married men or men in relationships moreso than any of my friends, and moreso than I seem to attract single men. I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few, though never with the intention or expectation that it would turn into anything serious, because obviously I could never trust them as a boyfriend or anything but if I’m sexually attracted to them and the timing is right, you know… whatever (in one case I found myself getting attached so I ended it to prevent a truly ugly situation).

I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along. Some of my friends have told me because I’m really confident, carefree and give off a kind of “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, this is very attractive & exciting for men who aren’t looking for something serious and are probably tired of their nagging wives/girlfriends. And they say it’s this sort of demeanor that keeps away the single guys because I just come off as someone looking for fun. But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own. So which one is it?? I am a little quirky, have a “strong” personality (I am told) definitely smart and have been told I’m really funny, but shouldn’t that make me equally as attractive to single men as married/taken men? Or are married men just more brave about approaching me (or any woman) because they know their status makes them sexually non-threatening and I’m the one who attracts them by actually entertaining their advances??  Why is this happening and how do I turn this tide? Please help!

I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few.

Okay. There’s your answer as to why you “seem” to attract a lot of married or otherwise available men. These men will hit on anybody. It’s not something special or unique about you. But they pursue or push the issue with you because you entertain them. I’m not judging. While I’ve never gone the married man route, I’ve absolutely engaged and involved myself with men who had girlfriends.I liked the idea (aka the lie) of fulfilling something that the man’s girlfriend didn’t. The compliment was in the delusion that they were somehow choosing me over someone else.  It wasn’t until one particularly toxic and unfortunate situation that began almost 6 years about that still rears its ugly head to this day did I really understand how insulting and disingenuous these types of advances are. Right now, you think these men get involved with you because there’s something special about you. Something better than their “nagging” wives. Newsflash: A man could be very happily married and love his wife and still want sex with other women. The two can be mutually exclusive. That “I don’t give a fuck” attitude your friends suggest that you have? That’s not a compliment. Not from your friends and not from the men. What they are telling you is that maybe people see you as someone with no moral compass. It’s one thing to behave that way. It’s another to demonstratively show no shame in behaving that way.

These men are not honing in on your because of your carefree attitude or strong personality or sexuality. They aren’t honing in on you at all. They just take it to the next level with you because you allow it. Why do you allow it? I don’t know.Only you know that. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re so just so incredible that available men don’t have the stones to approach you. When, quite possibly, you don’t want them in the first place.

I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along.

Maybe you don’t want a single guy? Like I said above, I’ve been in your shoes and that’s how I used to think, too. “Oh, I’m just biding my time until an available guy comes along.” There are available guys everywhere, if you look for them. But I wasn’t looking for them. I wasn’t looking for unavailable guys. I just wasn’t looking, period.

How do you turn the tide? You start by being honest with yourself about what you want and are capable of giving. There are a lot of grave mistakes that women make as they search for love. One of the biggest is the constant cognitive dissonance under which they function. They tell themselves one thing, but their behavior and actions say the complete opposite. If you truly wanted an available guy, you’d be with one. You choose unavailable men because those men work for you. Why? Well, I’ll throw out a few of possibilities. One, you like the attention and ego stroke that comes from convincing yourself you somehow are better than their wives. Two, you like your freedom and don’t need a serious commitment. You can get through life’s more trying moments on your own, but enjoy a little company now and then. Three, you like to know what you’re getting. Screwing an unavailable guy comes with instructions and an expiration date. You like that. There are no guessing games. You know it will end.

But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own.

Just because you’re available doesn’t mean you’re desperate. You probably are content on your own. So much so that you don’t want or need much more than that. There’s no rule that says you have to seek a relationship. I’m sure there are plenty of guys who don’t have wives or girlfriends who can deliver what it is you seek. It seems implausible to me that you don’t ever seem to meet them. They’re everywhere. Which leads me to think that there’s something specific to these entanglements with unavailable men that attracts you. Maybe it’s the understood and inevitable end. Or maybe you just don’t like other women. I don’t know.

You get something from sleeping with married men. Figure out what that is and you’ll have your course of action as to how to change the path.

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Filed Under: Beware, Cheating, Dating, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, Douchey Guys, Girlfriends & Sabotage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Guy Who Is Too Good Looking To Be Dating Online

October 28, 2012 by 24 Comments

A profile review client shared a story with me yesterday that I thought would make for an interesting post.

Kim is 34, slender and very attractive. She works for a prestigious government agency. Her profile made her sound genuine, confident, positive and outgoing. She recently moved from DC to NYC and has since gone back to DC. When she was using OK Cupid here in Manhattan, she was emailed by a guy we’ll call Jay.

Jay was 35 and an actor. He was also strikingly handsome. He didn’t bother to fill out his profile at all. He just posted a series of photos, many that had obviously been used for a modeling portfolio of some kind.

On their first date, Kim and Jay met at a bar or drinks. Jay’s credit card was declined. His wallet had been stolen, he said, and he must not have called his credit card company to activate the replacement. On that date, Jay confessed that he didn’t give Kim his real last name. Concerned, Kim went home and paid for a background check on Jay. She discovered a list of petty offenses – DUIs and the like. She told Jay that, due to her job, she couldn’t continue to see him.

He told her he understood, but came back around a couple weeks later asking for a second chance. Kim gave him one. Their second date, Jay forgot his wallet and paid for their drinks with a $100 bill. A couple weeks later, Jay asked Kim for gas money. This was during the time that he claimed he was working on a film here in NYC with a well known, Oscar winning actor. They continued to date a handful more times before Jay disappeared on her.

During our session, Kim asked me if I felt there was something about her profile that made Jay think she was an easy mark. I told there wasn’t. Nothing in her profile set off any bells for me. I explained that the Jays of the online dating world contact anyone and work them the same way he worked her. That’s how they get by. Some women last for a few weeks. Some a few months. However, I said, the warning signs as to his intentions were quite clear from the get go.

He was an extremely attractive man using a free online dating site. (Yes, I know. A few of you will say that you consider yourself to be very attractive and use that site too. Congrats for hitting the genetic lotto and thank you for sharing. Glad I could afford you an opportunity to brag.) Add to that red flag the fact that he didn’t bother to fill out his profile. At all. Then there are all the photos of himself, some of which were professional shots. Jay is one of the “the rules don’t apply to me” people. He didn’t feel he had to fill out his profile. He was good looking enough that it didn’t matter. And look! He was right. Women replied to him despite having nothing on his profile other than some vanity shots. The people who feel that they are above following understood and accepted or even stated guidelines are displaying arrogance, laziness and a lack of genuine interest in the process as a whole. They do it because it works for them. Here was Kim, an intelligent, educated, attractive woman who worked for a government agency that specializes in sniffing out threats. And yet, despite all of her professional training, she not just missed but ignored the obvious warning signs.

Why?

Because he was really good looking. This guy dropped his bait into the sea of online dating with the intention of meeting a woman that he could con into paying his way. Because he’s arrogant, he assumed that all the women on online dating sites would be chomping at the bit to get a bite out of him simply because he was very attractive. If someone from a dating site emails you and one of your first thoughts is, “Why are they contacting me?” that should give you pause. You’re admitting to yourself that that person is out of your league. You will pursue it because you want to see if maybe, just maybe, you’re in a higher league than you thought. Like DMN said in a recent comment, clowns are everywhere online. But you have to learn the difference between the people who just aren’t terribly socially polished and the actual clowns. The people who text and email for days? They’re clowns. You can be upset at them all you like. The minute you decide to overlook their clownery, you become complicit in it and encourage them to continue this charade with other unsuspecting people.

This isn’t to say that all above average looking people who do online dating are shady. They’re not. Well, most aren’t. But the ones who don’t even fill out their profiles?  Yeah. They’re shady. Same goes for women who show similar tendencies. Just a bunch of shots of her looking sexy with a couple incoherent lines? Shady. A profile full of disclaimers about what she expects and how she wants a guy who makes a lot of money? Shady. The sad thing is that these people have success. Those men and women will get dates and find the saps that they seek. They know their market, and their market is most definitely online.

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, casual sex, Cheating, Dating, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What Does “Boyfriend” Even Mean These Days?

October 18, 2012 by 13 Comments

Name: Christa
Age: 24
State: NY
Question: bf and I are in a serious relationship for six months. And in his line of work, he works with many beautiful female coworkers and travels a lot. I totally understand that if you are in a new town and you would want to meet up with a coworker for dinner and chat after work. But what about after dinner, is it normal to continue this to bars, movie theaters, concerts or shows. I trust him and I never think he will cheat on me, but I will feel much comfortable if there are not just two of them doing things together. Like one day, he took a female coworker (single) out to see a comedy show (on work day and the show ended at midnight) . When I asked him about it, he got almost concerned that I made a big deal out of this, because he think it is completely normal and this happens or will happen a lot while he is out of town. I am not completely comfortable with it, especially I met with this coworker, and I think she is kinda flirtatious around men, even though bf told me she is not his type. I love my boyfriend, and I really want to work things out, but I don’t know what I can do and where the problems are, am I just been unreasonable and jealous or he should cut down his social life on travel. want to hear insights from both men and women.

It’s very easy for me or anybody here to challenge this statement and wonder if maybe you don’t trust your boyfriend. I believe you can trust someone, but still be uncomfortable with the idea that an attraction might grow from these “innocent” outings. Which it can and more than likely will. Guys with girlfriends don’t “hang out” with attractive women for the sake of being besties. They hang out with attractive women to either sleep with them or to maintain some semblance of of their “single” life.

He’s your boyfriend. Okay. What does that even mean these days? I don’t know how many women I hear use this word and then – poof! – within weeks to months they’ve been dumped. So, really, what does it mean to be someone’s boyfriend other than you’re making a promise “for now.” Unless you know how someone defines and values commitment, you really don’t know what they are agreeing to exactly when they say they will be your boyfriend. It’s as if the moment the man agrees to be called a boyfriend, the woman thinks the rest is all set in stone. It’s not. There is no test to take or qualifications needed. Anybody can do it. It’s very easy to agree to be boyfriend and girlfriend, like a couple of high school virgins, when you’re a few months in and every thing is awesomesauce. At that point, nobody is really sacrificing anything because they don’t feel there’s anything to sacrifice. Then the rose colored glasses are off. Reality and temptation sets in.

The problem I have with your scenario is this:

Like one day, he took a female coworker (single) out to see a comedy show (on work day and the show ended at midnight) . When I asked him about it, he got almost concerned that I made a big deal out of this, because he think it is completely normal and this happens or will happen a lot while he is out of town.

So basically when you told him that something made you uncomfortable, he pretty much gave you the “you’re crazy” speech? Oh. Okay. Thanks for mansplaining that, brah. There’s the biggest red flag out of all of this.  What he’s telling you is, “Listen. This is how it is with me. Either you can deal with it or you can’t. This won’t change.” There’s nothing wrong with wanting to kill time while out of town. But it’s work, not a vacation. It’s not supposed to be fun. Great, grab a drink at the hotel bar after your day of meetings and then call it a night. Your guy is using the situation to “date” other women without actually dating them or cheating on you. He probably isn’t even aware that that is what he’s doing. What his behavior tells me is that he isn’t fully content cutting off all those other options. Technically, he’s not doing anything wrong. But let’s cut the crap. We all know that guys are rarely looking for someone to brush their hair and get mani pedis with when they hang with women this way.

Instead of doing the smart thing and just keeping his mouth shut about what he did on his mini-vacation out of town, he’s telling you. If he’s doing nothing wrong then what does he have to “confess?” I keep saying this. The question people should ask themselves when they get the “total honesty” stuff from their mate is, “Why are they telling me this? Do I really need to know this?” A smart guy would know that telling his girlfriend about the dinner and night on the town he spent with a female co-worker would raise eyebrows. Therefore, he wouldn’t tell her unless she asked him and drilled him for answers. (Which might be the case here.) Even then, there’s no need for specifics. “I had a drink with Lana after the meeting and then watched some TV and went to bed.” Done.

He’s pretty much told you that he has no intention of changing this aspect of his lifestyle. You have your answer. You’ve expressed concern, he dismissed it.

Your move.

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Filed Under: Cheating, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Realities Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

There’s Three Sides To Every Story – His, Hers & The Version You Choose To Believe

October 15, 2012 by 11 Comments

Name: Corrie
Website:

Age: 28
State: NYC
When I first started dating my boyfriend he told me he had cheated on his previous girlfriend one time. I never asked why they broke up or anything about her/them.  He said things between them were rocky and he regretted cheating and that he broke up with her right after because he knew things weren’t right. He swears he never saw the other woman again.  He told me she (the other woman) was spreading rumors about him and wanted me to hear it from him before anyone else said anything. When he first told me I confided in a close friend. She told me to give him the benefit of the doubt and that people make mistakes. We’ve been together almost a year now. Last weekend the same friend who told me to give him a chance said she had heard through the grapevine that he had cheated on his Ex more than once. Now I don’t know who or what to believe. I want to ask him about it but things are going well and I don’t want to bring up something from the past. Your advice would be appreciated.

First and foremost…do you trust this girlfriend? If you do and she’s never given you reason to believe she didn’t have your best interests in mind, then proceed with caution.

By coming to you with the story first, your boyfriend did what they call in the PR industry “getting ahead of the story.” Before anybody had a chance to get to you first, he decided to pre-empt another person’s version of events. I can’t fault him for that. He feared that something was coming down the pipeline that could negatively impact his life. He very well might have thrown himself under the bus because he truly cares for you and doesn’t want to lose you. That’s a possibility.

Here’s what I find interesting: (Bear with me. This is how my mind works. I see  a mystery. I try to solve it. YMMV.)

1. Given how accessible we all are today, it’s interesting to me that this woman wouldn’t just contact you directly. That’s Girl With a Grudge 101,no?  If the woman’s goal was to come between you two or “ruin” him, she took the long road. Which, to me, makes no sense if she truly had an axe to grind versus just thinks he’s a douche.

2. In a situation like this, people only confess because they fear they’re about to get caught. I agree with your friend that people make mistakes.  He’s hoping that the fact that he came to you first will speak well for him should this ever get back to you. (He does get points for this.) The story was framed in a way to imply he felt remorse and did the humane thing and put  his girlfriend out of her misery and released her into the dating wild. Okay. That’s only true if he cheated once.   If he cheated more than that, well, that whole part of the story goes out the window. Anybody in his shoes is going to tell a sanitized version of events. But how much was said to save the relationship versus what is said to save his own ass? That’s unknown. Personally, I think he should have just kept his mouth shut. But that’s me.

3. Not only is he telling you he cheated, but he’s also letting you know that there’s someone out there – a “crazy ex” – who doesn’t like him. I’ve spoken before about how guys who tell their girlfriends about “crazy exes” are suspect to me. As I’ve said before, rarely is the “crazy ex” totally crazy. Usually, that “crazy ex” has a reason for not liking the guy. Only in the most severe cases are women just deluded and unstable like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Had you not alerted your girlfriend to this, it’s possible this gossip wouldn’t have dropped into her lap. If it’s been a year and you’ve heard nothing first hand other than what he told you, then my guess is she’s not as “crazy” as he made her out to be. Calling it a grudge might be a little dramatic. She doesn’t like him. There’s probably a reason for that. Is it valid? You’ll never know unless you talk to her. Which I don’t advise unless you really are prepared to hear things that could change your mind about him.

Here’s a question: if he had never told you that he cheated, would your friend’s news bother you as much? I ask this because I happen to think that women like to believe that they’d reconsider dating a man with a history of bad behavior, but actually wouldn’t. It’s like the “what’s your number” question. Honestly, would you *really* dump a guy because he had slept with 100 women? Doubtful. Same goes for cheating. We like to believe that we’re the woman who came along and made a guy a better man. If he cheated on someone else, so what? I’m different. He won’t do that to me. I’ve broken him of that bad habit. To be fair, sometimes, that is the case. Sometimes someone just needs to meet the right person to never cheat again. The reality is, I’d best most of us have been or are currently involved with serial cheaters and just don’t know it.

The real question is whether or not you can move past this.

Whether he cheated once or multiple times is kind of moot at this point.  If he cares about you then it makes sense that he would lie.  The thing you need to get past is whatever story you’ve chosen to believe. Before you say anything, ask yourself how you will react if he tells you the rumors are true or false. If he says they’re true, what’s your next move? You have to have that decided upon before you say anything. If he says they’re false, will you accept that and let it drop? If not, then there is no point in asking him about this.

People screw up. He could genuinely really care for you and had the misguided thought that telling you would help his case should this come to light. Or he lied. It’s been almost a year. If there have been no other bumps, then I think you should let sleeping dogs lie until things become sign on the dotted line serious. (Moving in together, getting engaged, etc.)

If you are going to question his integrity from here on out because of this, get out now.

 

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Cheating, Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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