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Should She Settle Before It’s Too Late?

April 4, 2013 by 25 Comments

Name: FallinAA
Comment: Hi, I am an Asian woman who has lived in the city for many years.  I met my boyfriend a year and half ago.  For the first three months or so we were just hanging out as friends.  I wasn’t physically attracted to him since he was overweight, even though he has had strong feelings for me from the very beginning.  Anyway, my feelings for him eventually grew since we have a lot of things in common, e.g. we both love traveling, hiking, biking, movies, food etc.  We also had quite some fights due to the differences in our background (he’s European).  Nevertheless we started dating exclusively and I moved into his apartment six months ago.  Things seemed to be working – he lost quite a lot of weight, we had a great vacation in Europe and met each other’s friends and family…Then he broke his knee and had a major surgery right before SANDY.  I took good care of him (“she has been an angel” is what he told his friends and family).  However, we haven’t had much sex since he had the accident.  At the beginning it was because he couldn’t move much.  But then as time goes by, some how I don’t feel the desire to do so.  And we continued to have arguments.  I am a very driven person who has her life together, while he’s laid back and some times I feel he doesn’t try hard enough to get something he wants.  And to make things worse, he started to gain weigh due to less exercise and lack of control on his diet (who drinks three bottles of beer a day while he’s still a bit overweight?).   Because things are not going well, he started to contemplate about moving back to Europe where he thinks he can have a better life.  I told him from day one that I can try to live in Europe with him for a couple years (it’s not difficult for me to get a job at my company’s headquarter in Zurich).  But I probably don’t want to live there for the rest of my life, since the US especially NYC is better for Asians like me (multi-cultural environment).  Anyway, I feel now our relationship has come to a cross-road.  I want to get married some day and maybe have a child, but I don’t want to settle with someone who is not right.  On the other hand if I broke up with him, what’s the chance of finding the right one as I am getting older?  We all know NYC is tough for finding the true love…
Age: 37
City: Manhattan
State: NY

 

Anyway, my feelings for him eventually grew since we have a lot of things in common, e.g. we both love traveling, hiking, biking, movies, food etc.

I can buy that you developed feelings for him over time. What I don’t is believe that you could develop an attraction for him over time. What I think is that you were 35 or 36, knew you were getting up there, and tried to force yourself to feel something for this guy because you wanted to settle down. Since he had deep feelings for you, he probably didn’t care whether or not you were attracted to him. He took advantage of your sudden flexibility. It’s no surprise that your interest is waning. It wasn’t terribly high in the first place.

But then as time goes by, some how I don’t feel the desire to do so.

Some how you don’t feel the desire? Really? More like, “I finally had an excuse not to have sex with him.” I know you will find that harsh, but if you’re honest with yourself you’ll admit that sex wasn’t really that much a priority for you from the beginning. You wouldn’t have become romantically involved with him if it was. As I’ve said before, people who like sex have it. I’m guessing that having sex with this guy in particular wasn’t really doing it for you anyway.

I think if you poll many women and told them that they could be totally honest, they’d admit that they’d be satisfied with a relationship that didn’t require sex.

Your question in a nutshell is this:

I want to get married and have a baby. Should I continue to settle for this guy that I’m not terribly attracted to?

My answer depends on what it is that you truly want. If all you want is a child, then adopt or go to a sperm bank. If you want to get married so you can build a life with someone and raise a family….then stay with him. But if you want that as well as a relationship that fulfills you emotionally and sexually, then you need to end things with this guy now. Like right now. Will it be easy for you? Well, it will be slightly easier because you’re an Asian woman in NYC. But you’ll still be 37.

I know some people want me to tell you to break up with this man and go find your bliss and that you can do better. Reality? You might not. So you need to decide, pronto, what it is that is most important. You also need to accept, depending on what you want most, that it might never look like what you thought it was going to look like. It never does.

 

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Compatibility, Dating, Sex, To Settle or Not To Settle Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

How The Fake Reach For Your Wallet Can Backfire

March 12, 2013 by 23 Comments

Here’s a two-fer for Tuesday!

First there is this story from The Frisky about a woman who went on a date and the guy forgot his wallet.

The check arrived and I began my elaborate routine of digging through my purse to look for my wallet while waiting for him to stop me because he’d inevitably insist on paying. That’s just the dance of the first date. But I truly wanted to pay for half, so I’d offer that and insist and we’d see where the chips fell on the floor of this wine bar, so to speak. My purse digging routine went on for a while and he said nothing to shoo me away from searching for my wallet. Rather, HE spent an inordinate amount of time digging through his jacket pockets and emptying their contents onto the bar: his apartment keys, his iPhone, his ear buds. Each item was carefully and deliberately pulled out of the pockets as though he were a prosecutor presenting his evidence to the jury. He walked me to my apartment where we hugged goodbye as he said that the next date would be “on him” and I thought, There’s not going to be another date. And sure enough there wasn’t—no worthwhile follow up from him, no suggestion of another date. And that was just fine with me.”

I’m on the fence as to whether he actually forgot his wallet or if he just likes to test women. A woman replied to my comment suggesting maybe he was telling me the truth by saying that there didn’t seem to be enough “groveling” on the guy’s part for him to be sincere. Apparently, a virtual stranger is expected to grovel and beg for forgiveness for making a mistake.

Here’s where I get suspicious. Earlier in the essay she says:

Conversation was good, but I wasn’t sure whether or not a second date was in our future, so when the check arrived I was going to see how he played it and, against the rules of my dad, I was planning to offer to pay for half. In my sophisticated and somewhat illogical hierarchy of principles, letting a guy who I’m not sure I’m interested pay for a first date is a worse offense than a guy I am interested in not offering to pay for a first date. I just never want to take advantage of anyone and that’s how I’d feel if I had let him pay for everything with no assurance that we’d see each other again. So in this instance, I was ready and willing to go Dutch.

I guess my main issue with this is how dodgy the author seems to be. If she truly believed that it was inappropriate for her to allow a man she was on the fence about to pay, then how he “played” it would be irrelevant. Her decision would have been made already. This feels like a rationalization that borders on a fib. In order to protect her virtue and prevent people from accusing her of basically doing exactly what she’s implying the man was guilty of, she’s trying to insist that she’s not like “those other women.” Not saying he’s not a dick if he did intentionally forget his wallet. But let’s not act all doe eyed like we’re above The Con, mmkay?

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Second article is this one from XOJane. To recap, the woman meets a guy abroad while she’s in Europe. Ten months later they’ve decided to move in together and move across the country to LA where he has taken a job. She gives up her life here in NYC and agrees.  I’m not questioning her decision. Yay for love and all that. My question is concerning what sort of security measures are put in to place to protect herself. Specifically, is her name on their lease or is it just his? As I’ve learned over these past 9 months dealing with the drama that has arisen due to my family being unable to find my Dad’s will, it’s never a good idea to leave certain things up to someone else. Especially when it comes to the roof over your head. Whether it’s a move across the country or simply moving in with someone who lives ten blocks away, is it ever as simple as taking your stuff and placing it somewhere else? What measures are in place to protect you should things go awry? How much would or should someone be willing to risk in a situation like this?

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Co-Habitation, Dating & Finances Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Is It Possible To Out-Grow a Partner?

February 27, 2013 by 8 Comments

Name: Lisa
Age: 24
State: New York
Question: So, I love my boyfriend, but we’re from two completely different backgrounds. I’m biracial and from a single-mother family and I know how to hustle. He’s from a nuclear, anglo-saxon family and is pursuing his passion of being a freelance/business-owner of his recording engineer studio.

I wouldn’t dare break up with him A) not because I fear being alone or B) because I’m annoyed/over it/out of love, but I’m having a hard time communicating my need to propel things forward. I don’t even believe in marriage, but in terms of moving in together, etc. He always seems like my urgency to talk about it is unwarranted and I don’t want to rush into anything at all, but if we’ve been together for 3 years (I’m 24 and he’s going to be 26 in June), when is it obvious that two people can’t communicate/work together/don’t have the same views and goals in life?

 

I think some people need to mark the progress of a relationship via gestures and milestones. Moving in together is a tangible thing you can point to so you can tell yourself that things are headed in a certain direction. I’m old school about living together. For me, living together means we plan on being together for a very, very long time. Maybe even permanently. Do you see that kind of future with this guy you’re dating? If not, then why be in such a rush?

You sound like you want the grand gesture just so you can prove to yourself (and probably some of your friends and family) that the relationship is going places and he’s not taking you for granted. At the same time you appear to be conflicted about you actually feel about him and the relationship.

I know a guy who, at 31, has already lived with 3 or 4 different women. (FYI? He cheated on his last two girlfriends a mere month or two after moving in with them.) For as long as I have known him he has always hopped from relationship to relationship, barely having a month or two of actually being single. He moves in with them at pretty much the same point in the relationship: around the 8 month mark. A couple of years ago he broke up with his GF of about 3 years, that he lived with for 2, and started dating someone 3 months later . She was almost 10 years younger than him and mere weeks out of her teens. A year later they were engaged. Now, everything about this situation seems like one collective red flag to me. That’s only because I know certain details. To the outside world, I bet people look at that and think it’s romantic and wonderful and wish those two kids all the luck in the world. Me? I see a guy who can’t be alone and who has a pretty flexible definition of commitment who was in a rush to lock something down before the girl matured and learned to know better.

If he is unwilling to have these conversations with you, then you either need to change your approach or accept that he does not feel the same urgency you do. Now, does that mean he doesn’t love you? Not necessarily. Not everybody feels the need to make it official, so to speak. It sounds to me like you do. My first suggestion is to really be honest with yourself about what you want and why. Do you need to prove something to yourself? Do you actually see long-term potential in this relationship? Despite what you say, do you fear being alone?

Signs of incompatibility having to do with goals and values and communication styles usually crop up pretty early on in a relationship. If this is the first time you’re actually noticing the potential incompatibility then it sounds like you and he have out grown each other.  In that scenario I mentioned above, I honestly believe the reason why he proposed to that girl when she was barely 21 was because he feared she’d eventually out-grow him. You started dating this guy when you were 21 or so. Now you’re approaching your mid-twenties.  What worked at 21 maybe doesn’t work at 24. What is it that you really want out of this relationship? More importantly…what do you want out of life? Does a relationship fit into that picture? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.

Sometimes it’s as simple as you and your partner are no longer compatible. Isn’t it better to determine this before you live together than after? Maybe you were on the same page once. Time has a way of changing things and changing people.

 

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Your Place or Mine?

October 4, 2012 by 77 Comments

Last night one of my Favorite Online Dating Coaches, @GeeksDreamGirl, asked me my thoughts on whether a client should list Connecticut or NYC as his location. He lives in CT, but he works in NYC.

I told her that he should say he lives in Connecticut. It doesn’t really matter that he works in NYC. At the end of the day he travels home to a whole other state. I’m sure many people will say that disqualifying someone for this is being too picky.

Hold that thought. Here are reasons why this would be a problem.

1. Dates would need to be scheduled around train or bus schedules – No big deal, right? They can catch the 10:40 train back to Jersey or Stamford, so no biggie? In theory, you’re right. It’s no big whoop. But picture it. It’s the first or second date. You’re having fun. Conversation is flowing and things are getting cozy. Then they look at their phone and say, ‘Shit! I have to get to Penn Station.” Buzz kill.

2. They can’t drink or need to watch how much they drink – I’ll say it. Boooooo! You can’t catch a good buzz or enjoy your cocktails because your date doesn’t want a DUI. Dates that involve cocktails and laughing and groping and flirting are the best dates. When you’re too concerned that your blood alcohol level will go over the legal limit, it’s hard to just kick back and have fun.

3. There’s little spontaneity - Nothing beats meeting someone at 8:00 for drinks and then heading to dinner or a movie unexpectedly. You can’t do that when you they have to hit the road and watch their alcohol or have to be home by X time so they can be up the next day at dawn for work. A 45 minute alteration in plans wouldn’t be so bad if you lived in the city. But when you’re taking a train or driving into the city, that 45 minute delay could end up requiring you to cancel.

4.The city dweller does most if not all of the hosting – This is my biggest concern. This is why I don’t date full-time single parents or people with long commutes. I don’t mind having sleepovers. I just don’t like having to be the one to do it all the time. Sometimes I don’t feel like cleaning up my apartment or running to the store because I’m out of coffee or eggs. In the past few months I’ve been moving furniture in and out and and getting renovations. I’m not having someone back to my place unless I plan on a) sleeping with them and b) letting them stay the night. I would never invite someone over and then kick them out. It’s rude and disrupts the flow of a date/blossoming relationship. I’m extremely lucky that I have a very large studio apartment. I’ve been able to get rid of some pieces of furniture and add new ones and create more space. I can be on my bed working on my laptop and someone can sit at my desk and do their work and not feel cramped. I enjoy sleepovers. I just don’t like having that responsibility always be on my shoulders. I enjoy having the option of spending the night/weekend at a man’s apartment. It’s like staying in a hotel.

5. Reality is delayed - There’s only so long that someone can hop a train or sit in traffic or fight for parking before they wonder if it’s worth it. Why someone would want to endure a multiple hour drive every week just for two days or romantic bliss is beyond me. I honestly believe people who choose these kinds of relationship like having two worlds between which they can float. They like the affordable rent of where they live and enjoy the small town vibe. But they also like the hustle and bustle of a bigger city. It’s like a mini-vacation. Could the relationship survive if things were more permanent and one party wasn’t traveling back and forth? Not likely. The relationship works because the two people are constantly in the honeymoon phase.

6. It’s an excuse to have sex -  Give someone a reason to bring someone home – especially someone who needs an excuse to have sex – and they will. Kind of like booze. How many times do we hear women say that they had sex with a guy because they had had a couple glasses of wine? (Note: I am in no way including situations where a woman can not legally consent to sex in this scenario.) If you’re someone who has sex on the first or second date and then regrets it or freaks out over it, don’t put yourself in a situation like this.

Despite what people think, working in the city and living in the city are not the same thing.

 

 

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Dating, Dating & Finances, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is This Relationship Going Anywhere?

September 23, 2012 by 18 Comments

Name: Ophelia
Age: 34
State: NYC
Question:  I’d like to talk to my boyfriend about living together. We’ve been dating almost a year. We’re at each others places a couple times a week. Either I sleep at his place or he at mine.   I’d like for this relationship to continue moving forward. How do I bring this up without scaring him off?

 

Well, my first suggestion is to examine why you want to live together. Judging by your letter and the way you phrased this, what you truly want is to lock down this relationship. I don’t get the sense from your brief question that you actually want to build a home life with this person. Which, if you’re curious, is the real reason why people should live together. All the other reasons, like convenience or finances, to me seem rather flimsy and bogus. You don’t share a living space with someone so you can save a few hundred dollars per month or have a shorter commute to work. You do it because you want to build a life with someone.

We had a letter like this months ago, sent in by a guy, and I’m going to say to you what I said to him. If you’ve been dating almost a year and you’re only seeing each other a couple times a week, I’m not sure moving in together should be your main concern.

Spending a couple or even a few nights here and there with someone without wanting to claw your face off isn’t exactly a barometer for determining the kind of compatibility needed to live together. Sure, maybe you’ve even vacationed together a couple of times and spent a whole week together. If you have done that and that went well, then put that in the plus column. Just remember that you and he appear to have just as much time together as you do apart. Which means it’s kind of always the honeymoon phase with you two, even if you talk every day.

Seeing each other a few times a week doesn’t really prepare you for what living together is like. Of course, at some point, you’re just going to have to jump and put your feet into the fire. However, I don’t think now is that time for you. What you want is to know that he is in this for the long haul. This might not thrill you to hear, but there’s a really good chance that he’s not. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you or enjoy hanging out with you. It means that, maybe, you and he don’t have the same end goal in mind.

If moving in together were on his radar, I would think you and he would be spending more than a couple or few nights a week together. Coming over after work, having dinner, watching TV, having sex and then waking up and saying good bye until you seem them again in a couple days does not scream “I want to build a future with you.” It says “I like my space. I like things as is. I have no plans to make this more serious.” Spend a few consecutive nights and days together for awhile. For all you know, his constant presence might drive you up a wall.If things haven’t progressed beyond spending a two or three nights together and it’s been a year, I don’t think that’s a good sign. If you two aren’t spending full weekends together, for sure that’s not a good sign. (I don’t care if you spend all Saturday morning and afternoon together. I’m talking a straight weekend.)

Any couple that thinks that they’re ready for this kind of commitment but never spends more than a few days together at a time is immature and delusional, in my opinion. Couples who have constant “breaks” from each other are also silly to believe that they have what it takes to make it long term.  Someone is a fool to not recognize how the constant separation plays a role in the viability of such a relationship.  Eventually, the breaks will disappear and you two will be left only with each other. You have to endure the less appealing side of a relationship – the boredom, the annoyance, the temporary lack of interest in sex – before you can really determine if that person is someone you see yourself with long term.

Ophelia, what I think you need to do is bite the bullet and ask your guy where he sees things going and let him know if you and he aren’t on the same path.

You want the milestone just for the sake of having it so you can believe the relationship is serious. That’s the thinking of someone who doesn’t really know what this kind of commitment involves or is about. You just want the serious relationship without even knowing if it will make you happy in the long run.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Are Women Expected To Take What They Can Get?

September 18, 2012 by 26 Comments

Name: Dee
Age: 40
State: CA
Question: I’ve been using the services of a male dating coach for a year, and he has helped me to get a relationship, but I’m really starting to doubt the relationship and the coach.

For about nine months I’ve been dating a 53 year old man.  Like me, he has never married.  He works in a call center and has lots of spare time to pursue hobbies, but prefers to watch tv and drink beer after work.  He also spends a lot of time online, as he chats with friends and relatives.

At first, we went on dates within his budget, but after I started cooking for him at my house and having sex, the dates dried up, and he now comes to my house every weekend for home cooked meals and to spend quality time with me, as he puts it.  We don’t spend any time at his place, because he is renting a room in a shared apartment and there is no privacy.

I feel like I can’t go to the gym on the weekends because he’s in my house.  I got him guest passes so he could come with me, but he isn’t interested.  He also won’t eat salads or cooked vegetables, so I prepare things he enjoys, but I’m starting to resent him because it means I work out like crazy during the week so I don’t gain weight.

I have suggested he made a contribution towards the food, and he says he brings the beer (which I don’t drink) and suggests I don’t buy him anything special, he’ll eat what I eat.  But he won’t eat the healthy meals I prepare.  He wants red meat, potatoes, sandwiches and baked goods.  He has stopped complimenting me on my cooking, too.

I have suggested we go out from time to time, and have planned dates to free concerts, walks and other things I think he might enjoy, but he just says he wont go, he is tired from working all week and wants to relax at my house and watch TV.  We tried going to dinner parties with my friends and colleagues, but he absolutely hates them and calls them fake intellectual snobs.

Recently he hasn’t been interested in sex.  He doesn’t react to lingerie, heels or compliment me when I’ve made an effort to look beautiful for him.  He was never very sexual to begin with, and I don’t know whether he is stressed about something.  He doesn’t open up, and refuses to discuss anything of a sexual or personal nature.

He had a double chin and belly, but has gained weight since we met.  I’m not sure if this is related to his medication.  He won’t discuss it with me, even though I’m a pharmacist (but work in research nowadays).

I find myself spending a lot of time in the garden when he watches sports on TV.  I can’t hear the TV in the garden, and tending to the plants helps me to relax when he is around.  I feel tense because there seems to be nothing I can do to please this man.  I feel rejected and unfeminine when he is around.

He has suggested we live together, and keeps saying that there’s no point in him renting a room when I have so much space in my house, but I’m very uneasy.  I enjoy my freedom during the week to socialize with friends, go to museums, concerts, read in silence and work out at the gym.  I dread the lifestyle I would have with this man if I allowed him to live with me full time.

My coach says I’m trying to mold him into the man I want, but this was the same person who encouraged me to continue dating this guy, even when my gut instinct was to turn down the second date.

Reading red pill literature makes me doubt myself.  I have a non-violent, non-player man who consistently visits me, but all I look forward to is Monday morning when he’s gone.

Sometimes I feel like the eat pray love woman because I’m not haaapy, but other times I wonder how I got myself into a sexless one sided relationship and think my life would be happier without him.  I’m also afraid that if I left him, the next man will be much worse.

I would love to know whether you think I’m being unreasonable.   I want a man I can have conversations with, enjoy sex with, and share a few interests outside of the home.  In return I will be a loving, supportive girlfriend.  Is that too much to ask for at my age?

 

No, it’s not too much to ask. You’re not being unreasonable, and anybody who tries to tell you you are should be ignored.

You have to understand something about the red pill wisdom. A lot of what those guys says is said with the intention of making women doubt themselves. It is said to hurt and weaken women to make them easier to get. While there is a lot of helpful advice out there in the “manosphere” and  there is definitely a need for such a resource for men, you have to learn how to filter out the advice from the whining/ranting. The goal of many of those guys is to knock women down a peg and balance things out. That comes from bearing the brunt of all the women out there refusing to be accountable for their issues and using the men as their personal pinatas/court jesters.

For the most part, I think dating coaches are a bunch of scam artists. Most of them are people who have just read books and re-purposed other people’s information and repackaged it as their own. They want fame and money and that’s it. The majority have no business coaching anybody. Especially the ones who Tweet those trite, stupid quotes. “A man who truly cares will love you for who you are.” Grrr.  I can assure you that the majority of them don’t make a dime and live off supplemental income or husbands/parents while self-publishing their awful books and running around their city and Facebook and Twitter telling everybody how successful they are. It’s all hype. There are maybe 3 people that I would ever recommend. The rest are people who see an opportunity to make money off the loneliness/horniness of men and women or are complete famewhores. (Don’t get me started on my ol’ pal Blaire’s $8,000 4 day retreat to take walks on the beach with her to get aligned with the sea so you can find your twin flame. Holy Christ on a salty triscuit. Yeah, she got married last year. She’s already divorced. See what I mean?)

This guy is a loser. Plain and simple. It’s might nice of this guy to suggest that he sponge off of live with you instead of in that tiny room he rents. No, you weren’t trying to “mold him” into anything. You were expecting him to be a fully functioning adult. That is a reasonable expectation.He’s not looking for a partner. He’s looking for a caretaker.

I enjoy my freedom during the week to socialize with friends, go to museums, concerts, read in silence and work out at the gym.

You already have a love of your life. You love your life. There’s no rule that says you *have* to have a partner. If you want one, I’m sure you can find another guy in his late forties to early fifties who isn’t a leech. You are bound by nothing right now. You have no obligation to anybody but yourself. No kids. No husband. No aging parents (I don’t think.) Go enjoy your life. If you want sex, you can find that. You can still get the late-thirties guy for a little casual fun. If it’s longevity you’re looking for, ask yourself why you want that and if it is something you truly want and need. Then go find some forty-something guy and have it.  You can even take a page from the red-pillers and create your own harem of guys to rotate in and out. It’s *your* life. It doesn’t have to follow anyone’s blueprint but yours.

If you’re financially stable and have a cozy social circle and activities that you enjoy, you’re way ahead of many of the single women out there. Don’t sell yourself short because you don’t have a manz.

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Over 40, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Man Who Proposes After 2 Months

September 16, 2012 by 12 Comments

Name: diana
Age: 40
State: boston
Question: I have some serious issues here, met a guy he is 48, i am 40, he seemed nice at beginning, sent flowers to my job, and a small gift it wasnt real or anything but he just wanted to send me something. well i went to meet this guy for first time, he lived in a small, very small studio,  we spent weekend just talking and gettin to know each other, i thought he was a nice guy, laid back,  i asked him where he was from, he said he came from jamaica 4 years ago, lived in florida then moved to VA with his brother, in florida he lived with others that were from Jamaica,  anyhow i didnt think much of it,  i went to see him twice, and both times he always bought up coming to my house and staying a week, i can go to work and leave him there he will be ok,  a red flag went up, because i was wondering why this dude wants to go to my house so fast, and stay a week, well i didnt answer,  finally i let him come, he stayed a week, but i stayed also, took vacation time, i dont leave anyone in my house alone,  well he pulls out these fake engagement ring,  and proposed, MIND YOU.. its only two months into the thing we had,  he proposed,  i said its to soon for that,  so i said yes just to see what happens next,  he started making dates, within 6 months he wants to marry, at justice of peace, and all this stuff,  then he ask me can he have 500 bucks because he behind on his rent,  then i had to pay his way twice to come see me,  once we went to station counter together, im thinking he gonna pay his own way, i already had my ticket,  well he pulls out his debit card and it was declined, no funds,  RED FLAG GOES UP,  he knew he had no money on that card when we was walking to the counter,  he knew he didnt, and he knew i would end up paying since we were there,  i peeped that one..  i paid, but i was heated. and he saw it,  I ask him how is he gettin paid,  he said he cant file taxes,  RED FLAG, i said WHY?   he said he dont have his papers,  RED FLAG,  i said what papers,  he said papers to be here in US,  RED FLAG!  he said he met a woman when he first got here, and married her after 7 months,  but when he asked her can he come live with her, she said NO,  he filed for divorce he said,  RED FLAG AGAIN,  i asked him why would someone he marry and suppose to be his wife say no to her husband living with her,  that didnt sound right!!!!!   then i notice he always yelling at me and its always his word and  my words didnt matter,  he never wanted to hear my side, he always say CONVERSATION OVER!  when he was done talking,  so cold hearted and mean i figured,  he yell at me and say HUSH.  once during sex, i said it hurts i dont want to put my leg there,  he said SHUT UP, and kept going hard,   ((sorry for puttin that in there but i had to tell it as it is)))  i also notice this dude belittling me saying i had no self belief and no self esteem,  i was full of shit,  and i asked him was he seeing someone  he went off on me badly,  and cursed me out.  then he says ,  we will marry but give him time, just be patient,  he will live in his place and i will stay at mine,  just have patience and let him take care of a few things and we will live anywhere i want together,  in my town or his,  RED FLAG,  i said to myself is this dude thinking im dumb, marry him, he stay in his place and me in mine,  then after he get his papers he dump me and divorce or something,  i am not sure how that stuff work,  he would get mad at me and stop speaking or answering my calls for a while,  then call and say TALK,  he is jamaican and i had a lil trouble understanding some things he say,  i never dated a jamaican before.    soon as i told him i decided not to marry,  he stop talking to me and wouldnt answer my calls or texts,  or return them,  so its clear he was using me to get his papers,   DAMN SHAME!   JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY STORY,  feel free to leave a word on it,  was i being used or not?

The truth is, Diana, you knew you were being scammed and you went along with it. Then, only when he decided to move on to another mark, you chose to feel vicitimized. The minute to accepted that marriage proposal, you became complicit in his deception.

And scene.

It’s okay to go forward with a situation even though your feelers might be jangling a bit. The purpose of seeing situations like this through to a point is to help you learn how to interpret your instincts. I’ve said this before. Rarely are our instincts wrong. It is how we decipher those internal warning signs that usually fails us. The main reason why so many people seem to stall at the same point in every relationship is because they’ve never followed through. They usually bail at the first sign of “trouble.” Or they do something that sabotages the relationship. Them when the person they suspected was “shady” disappears, they choose to believe that their instincts were correct. That’s how someone creates a false belief. It is those false beliefs that lead people down the wrong path.

The moment that the man in this story whipped out a fake engagement ring, that should have been all the confirmation Diana needed to know that he was up to something. Had she walked away then, she would have saved $500 and a portion of her dignity.

The problem I have with these stories is that most people – men and women -  ignore the fact that these stories almost exclusively come from people who display a myriad of issues and dating difficulties themselves. The listening audience doesn’t factor that very important bit of information into the big picture. Remember that the next time you hear or read a story like this.

Allow me to enlighten you. It’s very rare that someone who tells these tales of woe do so in order to help people. They tell these stories hoping people will join in and commiserate and/or congratulate them for being so smart/independent/savvy. I was recently moving furniture in and out of my apartment. As I stood outside waiting for my friend to come back from the store, a guy who was also hanging outside started to chat me up. Within ten minutes, I learned that his girlfriend had recently called off their engagement. Immediately a bell went off in my head. “Why is he telling me this?” I wondered. I politely declined when he asked for my number.

Develop a belief system and personal code that isn’t based on the distorted views and experiences of others. The mere fact that anybody would tell a story like the IP’s – publicly, no less – is a red flag in and of itself. Personally, I’d be embarrassed to admit to something like this. It’s one thing to turn to a trusted confidante. It’s a whole other ball of wax to share an experience like this with anybody who will listen.

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Filed Under: Bad Dates, Co-Habitation, Couple Conundrums, Critical Thinking, Dating, Douchey Guys, Dysfunction Junction, Red Flags

Estate of Affairs

July 18, 2012 by 17 Comments

Much of the last months has been taken up with dealing with/distributing my Dad’s estate. I’ve had to get myself up to speed on all kinds of “grown up” things like deeds, titles, notes, executors, etc.

As such, I’ve started to think about certain things in a different way. Such as:

If you move in with someone who owns their own apartment, do you ask to have your name put on the mortgage? If so, when? Why or why not?

If a family heirloom, say an engagement ring, is passed on to a family member, and they give it to their fiancee and they break up, does the ring come back to the family?

Finally, would you want to live in an apartment with your significant other that they shared (as in lived with) someone else? This was a big one for me. I don’t think I would want to live somewhere where my partner created a life with someone else. Too many memories and ghosts. I would probably lobby for us to find our own place. The issue, if that partners owns their place, is whether or not it’s fair to force someone to put a property on the market that they bought and on which they have been paying a mortgage. In a situation like that, I guess the appropriate thing to do is suck it up. And get a new mattress.

I realize that whomever I date has a past. There will be finger and footprints of an ex or two all over any apartment in which they live. The idea of someone other woman sleeping in his bed a few nights a week doesn’t bother. The idea of another woman carving out a space for herself in his (their?) home would.

Over the years, I’ve really come around to appreciating having my own space. I’m not sure it’s necessary to actually co-habitate together in the same space. Frankly, I see far more benefits living together, apart as they say. I think it would make each partner miss and therefore appreciate the other more. Of course, I’m talking about couple that don’t plan on having kids. Obviously, this might not be the ideal arrangement for those who want children.

From the above linked article:

Until about a year ago, Ms. Jacobs lived contentedly alone in a small San Francisco studio. Now she is cohabiting, sort of, for the first time since college. Mr. Pardo, a kindly, thrice-married art dealer, wooed her with an offer she couldn’t resist: her own bungalow, right behind his.

Theirs is a new twist on a newish trend, particularly among boomer-age couples, known as living apart together, or L.A.T. for short, an acronym that describes those who commit to each other, but not to having the same address. For Ms. Jacobs and Mr. Pardo, cohabiting at the same address but in two houses was a happy accident, she said.

When Mr. Pardo, who is now 63, asked her to marry him on their third date, she rebuffed him immediately.

“I told him I’d never lived with a man,” she recalled. “And at 50, I wasn’t going to start. I said the only way I could imagine it was if we had two houses. Of course, then he bought these. It’s intoxicating to have somebody want you that badly. How can you deny someone with such good taste?”

 

Okay. Maybe this isn’t the best example. These two sound rather..eccentric. But , hey. It appears to work.

I tend to think that, the longer you live on your own, the more difficult it will be to live with someone. Relationships and dating in general is rapidly changing. So doesn’t it make sense that these more non-traditional avenues are becoming more common?

Maybe we’re wising up and accepting certain realities regarding monogamy and living together and marriage? Namely, that they don’t really work? Sure, 50% of marriages don’t end in divorce. But how many of those are actually couples who suffer in silence or refuse to be taken to the cleaners or stay together for the kids?

If I was made aware of anything over these past few months while dealing with my Dad’s illness and passing, it’s that what he hand my Step-mom had was very, very rare. They were happy. Truly happy. But how many people come into a relationship with such an understanding of commitment? How many people get engaged with the intention of getting married and aren’t just buying time?

Just some random thoughts this morning, folks.

Speak.

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Couple Conundrums, Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Renting vs. Owning – What’s Really Involved With Living Together?

May 1, 2012 by 43 Comments

Boyfriend and I want to buy an apartment together. I asked my parents for a loan. They said they’d help me buy a place of my own but not one with him. They said I’m too young and haven’t been dating him long enough for me to make such an investment and that it’s too risky. I’m 22 and been dating him a year. Advice? – Nerve Confessions

I thought this might make for an interesting discussion.

First, there is the financial aspect of this scenario. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but in theory buying  an apartment with someone you’ve been dating all of a year – at 21/22 no less – seems like a huge financial risk.

I’d also be uncomfortable moving in with someone – at any age – where it was just his name on the paperwork. There just doesn’t seem to be any security in that.

How does one handle the legal aspects of co-habitation? Do you request that your name be put on the lease or mortgage? Or do you just cross your fingers and hope it works out and decide to think about the rest later?

Do you do credit checks on each other? Would you really reconsider living together if their credit or financial history doesn’t appear to be as sound as you’d like it to be?

What if the person you’re thinking of moving in with has never fully financially supported themselves? Would that be a concern?

As far as the poster’s age goes, when did people start moving in together at such a young age? I freely admit that I am an Old and could be out of touch. But is it me or does it seem that people move in together much more quickly these days? There was a time when living together meant you and your partner were on your way to something more long term. Now it feels as though this is just something people do and don’t put much thought in to it other than it will help them cut down on expenses.

I also wanted to discuss the whole renting vs. owning thing. Eliza brought up in a comment recently how she met a man who lived in a less than stellar apartment. She pointed out that it was a rental. Do people really care about whether or not someone rents versus owns? Why or why not?

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Finances, Shackin' Up Tagged With: , ,

Should He Stay or Should He Go?

March 28, 2012 by 25 Comments

Name: Peter
State: NY
Age: Early40′s
Comment: Simple question and I’m interested to hear what your readers have to say.

In a relationship for 2yrs and living together for 8 months. Girlfriend just cheated with an ex and says she’s sorry, realizes it was a mistake, and wants to work through this. Wondering how someone in my situation can figure out if it’s worth the fight. We have no children together and no financial ties so to speak.

Appreciate your insight.

 

I was going over this question with a friend the other night and I asked them their thoughts. They said that they felt that cheating, while hurtful, isn’t the worst thing someone can do to another person. That infidelity is one of those things that, in time, they could get past. In the end, it’s just sex.It’s just a physical urge.

The biggest issue for me with this story is that she cheated with an ex. Not some random guy she met out one night or online. There’s a history and an intimacy there. I think I’d be less bothered (but still upset) that my partner cheated with someone he didn’t know than if he stepped out with an ex. My guess is she probably has been turning to him for more than just sex. This probably wasn’t a one time slip. Meaning I think she and he have been communicating and she’s been sharing her concerns with the relationship. Which, for me, is much harder to forgive.

How do you know if you should fight to save a relationship or just end it? I think if you have to ask that question, then there isn’t much there in terms of intimacy and a bond. That’s what keeps us in a relationship in the first place.

Cheating is rarely just a blip. It’s usually a symptom of something that’s going wrong in the relationship.A lot of people cheat because they want out of the relationship or are unhappy. I’m curious how you found out she cheated. If she came out and told you, that’s not a great sign. As I’ve said in the past, some things need to be kept secret. If you know it was a one time thing and/or hormone driven, keep that shit to yourself. But if you know there was a deeper motivation, an unhappiness, then telling someone you cheated is usually just a way to get them to dump you. Especially if they’ve never given you a justifiable reason to end things. OP,  If your GF told you about the cheating, my suggestion is to end things now. She probably doesn’t want to be in that relationship and is looking for a way out. She’s forcing you to walk away because she doesn’t have the balls to do it herself. Personally, I find this whole approach selfish and cowardly. You cheated. Don’t kid yourself that you are “doing the right thing” by “being honest.” If doing the right thing were so important, you wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.

The upside, of course, is that you didn’t marry her. It sounds like you took your time before moving in, too. She’s revealed herself as not being ready for a true commitment. Best to learn this know than to plow forward. The reality is that who we are at the beginning of any relationship is rarely who we are mid-way through or at the end. Somebody who thinks the person they’ve met will stay exactly as is as they get older, especially after marriage, is extremely naive.That’s a disaster (and a divorce) waiting to happen.  You can’t keep someone locked away from the world and insulate them. Eventually, they will develop their identity and become self-actualized.

There is always a learning curve in dating and relationships. Always. Whether you’ve had 3 dates with someone and been with them 3 years. As we get older, and depending on how much experience we gain, the curve becomes smaller. It’s still there. It’s just not as extreme. We learn who we are and what we want. We figure out who and what we want. Look back at what you thought of relationships at 21 or 22 and compare it to what you thought at 25, then 35. I guarantee your ideas and ideals have changed.

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Cheating, Co-Habitation, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Shackin' Up Tagged With: , , , ,
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