Comment: I’ve been seeing this guy for the past few months and he’s made it clear to me he doesn’t have time to devote to a serious relationship because his new job takes up too much time and energy and he has no idea when that will all change, plus he’s new to the city (I know, three DEFINITE red flags for not being relationship-ready: new job, new crazy hours, new to the city). I am looking for a serious relationship, but still have fun with him. So I’m trying to date him while I continue to look for/try to date other men I like. He’s told me despite not wanting to restrict me from dating other people, he would still like to continue dating because he thinks we really “get each other”, says he knows that’s difficult to find, and thinks we have so much fun together when we do see each other. At this point we’re only seeing each other once every other week, and almost three weeks had passed before our most recent date. Is that normal? Is it even worth it to continue dating him at all then, or am I just being unrealistic expecting that people that are just casually dating could still see each other once a week? I’m curious to know how do fellow online daters define casual dating or as Ok Cupid likes to call it, short-term dating? I think the bottom line is that I probably just can’t handle casual/ expiration date type of dating, if this is what it is.
City: New York
Believe it or not, I think most people are in short-term relationships and are casually dating and just don’t know it. Casual dating is the new relationship.
I don’t think it’s unrealistic to think that people who are casually dating can see each other once a week or more. In fact, I would say that that is the norm for casual daters. The thing to remember about casual dating is that is basically means that you’re seeing each other regularly or semi-regularly, sleeping together, but there is no expressed exclusivity or long term commitment. It’s more like Indefinite Dating than Casual Dating. It doesn’t really have an expiration date unless you and the person you’re seeing would like to put one on it. Which, you know, is a huge buzz kill.
My personal experience, as well as that of many of my friends, is that casual dating isn’t always any different than long term dating or serious dating. We take trips and go to events together and meet each other’s friends. I think people assume that casual dating is just meeting for drinks and then going home and having sex. Which it can be, and there’s nothing wrong with that. A lot of people like to place importance on the logistics of the dates, how much money is spent, how much time is spent together and what activities are involved other than sex. People comfortable with casual dating don’t really care about that stuff. It’s about the quality of the connection, not the itinerary of events involved.
Can it lead to commitment. Of course. Some people take longer than others to determine the long term compatibility of a person and relationship. Just because they don’t commit after two months doesn’t mean they won’t. That’s where communication is key. If you’re not someone who wants to wait around too long – a valid choice – then you need to be able to stand your ground and ask for what you want.You need to be crystal clear about what you’re asking for, too. You should inquire as to whether or not they see things turning serious or not with you. “I don’t know” is not a No. If someone says they can’t give it to you at that moment, you need to decide whether or not you want to give it time. A flurry of reasons like they’re busy with work or have family obligations, however, is more of a No. More often than not, the excuses as to why they can’t give more are just that. Excuses. They don’t want to give more to you. Maybe not to anyone, but definitely not to you.
The reality of your situation is this: he’s dating other people. Probably a few. You are being rotated in to his schedule. If you don’t like the idea of being one of a few and can’t get that out of your head, you should get out now. Or you can just accept the terms of the situation, detach and pursue other options. Because you undoubtedly have them. You’re just not seeing them because you’re so focused on this guy.
As for the photo attached to this post..come on. How great is that? She’s got a mouth on her. Double entendre! Because not only am I outspoken but, blowjob classes, amirite guys? AMIRITE? I was walking home from brunch and saw that window and was gobsmacked.