Name: Jenna
Comment: I’ve been doing online dating for roughly 4 years (which seems like an eternity, actually). I’m 28, and I live in NYC (Manhattan).

While I’ve had a fairly typical online dating experience in some regards (I’ve gone on a very large number of terrible first dates), I’ve also met a number of guys that I’d actually like something long-term with. There have been six guys that I’ve dated for periods of ~3-4 months. Yet, I have not been able to convert a single one into an actual committed, exclusive relationship.

I know I’m doing something wrong, because several of these guys have subsequently entered into committed relationships (with other woman), one is now engaged, and one is now even married. So, I don’t think I’m picking commitment phobic guys.

My relationship pattern pretty much looks like this – at first, the guy plans dates (dinner, concerts, etc.) and asks me out in advance. After about a month, that largely stops, and he’d rather have me meet him and his friends at a bar. We’ll still have regular contact and do things during daytime hours (so, I know the relationship isn’t entirely sex focused), but the actual dates either largely or completely stop.

I’ve tried various things to remedy this – calling the guy out on it, suggesting dates on my own, etc. Nothing really seems to work. I confronted my last boyfriend about it on multiple occasions, which led to him breaking up with me and telling me I was putting too much pressure on him. He’s now seriously dating someone else, so I’m wondering what she did differently.

So, here’s my question. Given the age range of men I’m dating (27 – 33), is this typical behavior? Should I not expect to be eating romantic one-on-one dinners with these guys? Should I just “go with the flow” and meet him and his friends at a bar? I guess I’ve just heard from way too many people that if you accept this kind of behavior, the guy won’t take you seriously.

I should also add in that the guys I look to date are generally pretty attractive, successful guys around my age or within 5 years of my age. While I think I’m attractive, in shape, and successful myself, I’m well aware of the dating inbalance in NYC, and that the guys I’m dating definitely have a lot of other options.

Thanks,
Jenna
Age: 28
City: New York
State: NY

The first thing I want to point out is that sometimes it’s as simple as an issue of timing. When some of these guys dated you they weren’t ready for anything serious. Then they met someone else a little while later and either were sick of dating around or just felt they met someone with whom they felt comfortable. It isn’t always that there was something inherently wrong with you.

That being said, if one of your Exes came out and told you you were putting too much pressure on him, then that’s a pretty good indication that you were and that you need to lighten up a bit. Most guys won’t even bother with an explanation. They’ll offer some weak excuse and leave. For a man to express exactly why he’s dumping, he’d have to be pretty pushed to the limit, I think.

I’d also like to suggest that these relationship you had all sound like they pretty much dried up after a month or so. I appears as though the guy just kept you around until he found someone else. If after a month of dating, a guy considers hanging with him and his brahs at a bar a date, then the relationship is in trouble. Once? Okay. Not a problem. Regularly? He doesn’t want to be alone with you. They gave it some time, figured out you weren’t girlfriend material, but kept you on the roster while they explored their options. Or they saw that you were developing expectations, ones they weren’t ready to meet, and didn’t want to end the relationship entirely but did want to create some breathing room for themselves.

We’ll still have regular contact and do things during daytime hours (so, I know the relationship isn’t entirely sex focused)

Well, I wouldn’t go that far. My guess is arrangements like this are largely sex focused. The main reason why men date at all is for the consistent sex. The smart ones know they have to make a certain amount of effort in order to maintain it. Don’t automatically assume that none of these guys were just in it for the sex along, because I’m sure at least one or two were.

I’m going to suggest something kind of daring here, so brace yourself. It’s possible that you’re what many men consider B or C-list. Cute enough, fun enough,  but not exactly Varsity material if you catch my drift. You’re a pit stop of sorts on their way to Boyfriendville. The way to avoid this is by dating guys who don’t have as many options. I don’t know if this is what’s going on with you, but I know it happens. I read about it every day. At any given time we are on somebody’s C-list. If it happens more than a few of times, that’s a clue that you might be batting way out of your league and need to scale it back to what you can feasibly pull for a relationship. Just something to chew on.

The other suggestion is to do what you suggested and go with the flow for a bit longer than you do. You don’t have to  accept blatantly disrespectful treatment. But it wouldn’t hurt to bite your tongue here and there. That doesn’t make you weak or mean you’re compromising your integrity. You’re just going along to get along, and that’s a necessary skill when it comes to dating and relationships. Diplomacy is crucial, as is picking and choosing your battles. If there’s one thing that men take to, it’s simplicity. Which is not the same as being docile or submissive. It means not being difficult. If everything requires a conversation or explanation, then you’re difficult. Nobody wants to deal with people like that. Sometimes you just have to suck it up as you wait for things to progress. If that’s not something you can do, that’s your problem. You can’t constantly be shaking your head and wagging your finger at everything that strays from what you believe to be “real” relationship behavior, you know?

I guess I’ve just heard from way too many people that if you accept this kind of behavior, the guy won’t take you seriously.

By people, do you mean girlfriends? If so, take what they say with a grain of salt. We get an awful lot of ideas about how relationships should and shouldn’t progress from tall tales told to us by our gal pals. Here’s a secret: many of them lie or stretch the truth. They want you to think they have their man wrapped around their little finger. They don’t. They’re often white knuckling it, too, and keeping their mouths shut until it’s all systems go and they’re in Girlfriend territory. Stop listening to them.

While there are some men who are terrified of dealing with a woman who speaks her mind or has demand, most men aren’t. They know many of us have dealt with jerks and hear warped stories from our friends and so they cut us some slack. A few here and there will run screaming from a woman who speaks up, but most just hunker down and pray for daylight. That is, unless she just becomes so difficult to deal with and keep happy that they need to preserve their own sanity. That’s when they bail.

You can be easy going without being a doormat. Don’t let other people fill your head with false information. Asking for something and demanding it are two different things. As hard as it might be to do, I think you need to be a little less confrontational and see where that gets you.