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Is It Possible To Out-Grow a Partner?

February 27, 2013 by 8 Comments

Name: Lisa
Age: 24
State: New York
Question: So, I love my boyfriend, but we’re from two completely different backgrounds. I’m biracial and from a single-mother family and I know how to hustle. He’s from a nuclear, anglo-saxon family and is pursuing his passion of being a freelance/business-owner of his recording engineer studio.

I wouldn’t dare break up with him A) not because I fear being alone or B) because I’m annoyed/over it/out of love, but I’m having a hard time communicating my need to propel things forward. I don’t even believe in marriage, but in terms of moving in together, etc. He always seems like my urgency to talk about it is unwarranted and I don’t want to rush into anything at all, but if we’ve been together for 3 years (I’m 24 and he’s going to be 26 in June), when is it obvious that two people can’t communicate/work together/don’t have the same views and goals in life?

 

I think some people need to mark the progress of a relationship via gestures and milestones. Moving in together is a tangible thing you can point to so you can tell yourself that things are headed in a certain direction. I’m old school about living together. For me, living together means we plan on being together for a very, very long time. Maybe even permanently. Do you see that kind of future with this guy you’re dating? If not, then why be in such a rush?

You sound like you want the grand gesture just so you can prove to yourself (and probably some of your friends and family) that the relationship is going places and he’s not taking you for granted. At the same time you appear to be conflicted about you actually feel about him and the relationship.

I know a guy who, at 31, has already lived with 3 or 4 different women. (FYI? He cheated on his last two girlfriends a mere month or two after moving in with them.) For as long as I have known him he has always hopped from relationship to relationship, barely having a month or two of actually being single. He moves in with them at pretty much the same point in the relationship: around the 8 month mark. A couple of years ago he broke up with his GF of about 3 years, that he lived with for 2, and started dating someone 3 months later . She was almost 10 years younger than him and mere weeks out of her teens. A year later they were engaged. Now, everything about this situation seems like one collective red flag to me. That’s only because I know certain details. To the outside world, I bet people look at that and think it’s romantic and wonderful and wish those two kids all the luck in the world. Me? I see a guy who can’t be alone and who has a pretty flexible definition of commitment who was in a rush to lock something down before the girl matured and learned to know better.

If he is unwilling to have these conversations with you, then you either need to change your approach or accept that he does not feel the same urgency you do. Now, does that mean he doesn’t love you? Not necessarily. Not everybody feels the need to make it official, so to speak. It sounds to me like you do. My first suggestion is to really be honest with yourself about what you want and why. Do you need to prove something to yourself? Do you actually see long-term potential in this relationship? Despite what you say, do you fear being alone?

Signs of incompatibility having to do with goals and values and communication styles usually crop up pretty early on in a relationship. If this is the first time you’re actually noticing the potential incompatibility then it sounds like you and he have out grown each other.  In that scenario I mentioned above, I honestly believe the reason why he proposed to that girl when she was barely 21 was because he feared she’d eventually out-grow him. You started dating this guy when you were 21 or so. Now you’re approaching your mid-twenties.  What worked at 21 maybe doesn’t work at 24. What is it that you really want out of this relationship? More importantly…what do you want out of life? Does a relationship fit into that picture? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.

Sometimes it’s as simple as you and your partner are no longer compatible. Isn’t it better to determine this before you live together than after? Maybe you were on the same page once. Time has a way of changing things and changing people.

 

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Do Men Always Say Exactly What They Mean?

February 26, 2013 by 21 Comments

Name: Dana
Age: 27
State: Michigan
Question: I’ve been seeing someone for over a year now, nearly two. We got into an argument the other night, and something stands out to me that I don’t know really – and this sounds stupid – how to understand it. “You’re more invested than I am, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I don’t want to break up.” I’m getting all kinds of warning bells that are telling me to hang on, because this doesn’t sound good. Help?

 

I don’t think it’s atypical for one person to be more invested than their partner at any given point in a relationship. The issue for me is that he verbalized this thought to you. To me it seems like he’s trying to tell you something.

There’s a big difference between “I’m really happy and can’t think of what life would be like without you” and “I don’t want to break up.” The former is an expression of genuine commitment and emotional investment. The later, to me, is a lazy way of saying you could take the relationship or leave it.

Wherever this guy stands, he’s telling you that your level of investment is a cause for concern for him.That’s all I get from this. Like I said, you didn’t share much about this other than the statement itself. Without the whole conversation I can’t really tell what this guy’s motivations are.

For the most part I think men say exactly what they mean. When they utter something that leaves us trying to decode or decipher it, that usually indicates that they’re trying to broach a topic that makes them uncomfortable. They’re trying to say something without actually saying it. Whatever the subject is, it’s one that they fear will create unnecessary drama and conflict for them. They dance around what they actually mean hoping the woman will figure it out and solve the problem on her own. It’s a bad combination of diplomacy and cowardice. In general, if you find yourself trying to figure out the hidden meaning of a statement, that means that you know on some level there’s a message in the sub-text.

I would suggest asking him to expand on what he meant when he said that you were more invested than he was. That’s the only way you’re going to know what he really meant.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Men & Communication Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Long Is Too Long To Make a Guy Wait For Sex?

February 17, 2013 by 87 Comments

Name: Danielle
Age: 26
State: Florida
Question: Hi,

I’m a little confused about a guy’s behavior and would love another opinion. We met via an online dating website last May. I had recently ended a relationship of 9 months and really wasn’t looking to start dating again. However, when this guy asked me to grab coffee I thought, why not? I always like to meet new people. Towards the end of my previous relationship I had made a list of must haves because I had realized that recent people I was seeing were not good for my happiness in a relationship or didn’t have long term potential. Basically I wanted to raise the bar. After chatting with this guy for a few hours I realized that based on things he was saying (goals, plans, family) he was the first person I had ever gone out with that hit all the criteria. However, I was still skeptical because I didn’t want to have a rebound relationship or jump into things too fast. He told me on our second date that I was everything on his “list” and asked me on the third date if it was too soon to ask me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and he non-chalantly said that he would ask me again in the future. Long story short, we started dating and he was the epitome of a gentleman (walking on the outside of the street, holding doors, refusing to let me pay even though I wanted to). He was very sweet, a great listener, etc. He didn’t have a car at the time because it was being shipped from his previous residence a few states away so I drove us places and was perfectly fine with that. One day at brunch he was teasing me about something and I jokingly said that I should just leave him there. Later in the day his attitude kind of changed and he told me that it upset him that I said that (apparently I had made a similar joke another time) because he really didn’t feel like he could date the way he wanted to without a car. I assured him that it didn’t bother me that I was driving us around, but it still upset him. I’m guessing he felt emasculated. Well he started getting flaky and disappeared on me after another 2 weeks. We had been going on 2-3 dates a week for 6 weeks before this happened. Notably, we did not sleep together while dating because I wanted to be sure. The only time we came close was the night before the brunch incident and he didn’t have a condom so it was a no go.

Fast forward to September, he reached out to me again to see how I was. I initially ignored him because despite the length of our “relationship” I had gotten pretty attached to him over the summer and was hurt when he disappeared with no explanation. He kept in touch, saying he wanted to hang out which we eventually did in December. I was very skeptical about the whole thing because he was still being kind of flaky. The first thing he said when we met up was that he was sorry for being a jerk over the summer and I didn’t deserve it. I told him I appreciated the apology and we watched a movie at my place. Since January we’ve hung out once a week, either going to a movie, meeting up at a bar, dinner, playing tennis, etc. Since we started hanging out again, he hugs me and kisses me on the cheek, but there’s been no moves to go further.  Two weeks ago, he and a friend showed up at a club that I mentioned my friends and I would be at. His friend got bored so they went somewhere else and then came back towards the end of the night. He gave me his jacket and they walked me to my car. He hugged me for a pretty long time and then kissed the corner of my mouth saying he’d call me later. I haven’t heard from him since. My instincts say that I should just let this thing go. I would only want to start something with him if he can be consistent which he isn’t doing. Just wanted to get your thoughts about why he would show up again and then disappear.

Thanks!
Danielle

 

As I’ve always said, when someone is in a rush to commit there is typically a reason. Combine that with the fact that this guy endured a dozen plus dates with no sex and committed to you without having sex and I’m sure you’ll agree that something is off here.   You two may have hit it off as friends, but to be honest I don’t really sense that you two had much more than that. This was reminiscent of relationships we had in high school.

The no condom excuse is bullshit. There’s a CVS’/Duane Reade/Walmart/Bodega on every couple of blocks pretty much everywhere. If you wanted to have sex you would have gone and gotten some. Or you would have had them on hand. Or..shocker…you’d have done it anyway. Oh yes ,I know, that’s just for sluts. People who cry “no condom!” are people who never had intention of having sex in the first place.

There is the possibility that he just got tired of waiting for you to be ready to have sex. Maybe he didn’t appreciate the comment about leaving him at the brunch spot because he felt like he had been really respectful and patient and you didn’t seem to notice or appreciate that. I’m speculating,of course. I don’t have enough info to say for sure that this is the case. Whatever the reason may be, I think he was already on the defensive.  I agree that he probably felt emasculated to some degree, but the lack of sex definitely contributed to that.

It’s important to realize that a lot of men in a dating situation such as yours see sex as a gesture of attraction and appreciation. I’m guessing he disappeared because there was still no sex, and he was confused as to what exactly it is that you wanted. That and he sounds immature and maybe even inexperienced when it comes to relationships.

If you really want to know what happened then you should ask him. It sounds like the two of you have certain narratives in your head but neither of you expressed those narratives or intentions.

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Closure, Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

To Commit or Not To Commit (And Sleep With Her Ex): That Is The Question

February 12, 2013 by 12 Comments

Name: Shelly
Age: 24
State:
Question: I began dating this guy two weeks ago, but we didn’t establish we were exclusively dating until last week.  The day before we were exclusive I messed up and had sex with my ex boyfriend and told the guy I am dating now. He feels really hurt, because he thought that we were exclusive.  Although, I considered we were dating, I hadn’t made the emotional commitment in my head 100%. Am I in the wrong?

 

Technically, you did nothing wrong.

Technically.

You didn’t cheat on the guy you’re dating. But if it were me, I’d be wondering why – if I was into a guy enough to go exclusive after 2 weeks – I would even want to have sex with someone else? Everybody is different when it comes to things like this. For me, when I’m into someone else, really into them, regardless of whether we’re exclusive, I just don’t have the desire to be with anyone else.

Your guy has a right to be hurt. Nobody should have to feel like they have to justify how a situation or revelation affects them. We feel what we feel. Nobody can dictate that for us. He’s hurt for two reasons. One, because you told him, which was rather thoughtless and insensitive. Two, because you slept with someone else. Those are two actions that tell me that maybe you’re not as into this guy as you claim to be. That’s not an accusation. Just an observation. What I hear are instances of self-sabotage and possible lack of interest.

The lure of commitment is really strong to many men and women. We like the idea of it. There’s a sense of security that comes from it. The challenge is putting this idea into practice.  For me, emotional commitment takes longer than 2 weeks to develop. I place far more importance on emotional monogamy than I do on sexual monogamy because attraction is often times instant and unquestionable. True emotional intimacy takes time to develop. Committing to someone after two weeks seems sort of impulsive, given the specifics of this situation.

I don’t understand how, 24 hours before you agree to commit to someone, you weren’t 100% ready to become exclusive. Did the sex with your Ex push you over the line into the 100% Zone? How were you able to be in a head space to sleep with someone other than the guy you’re dating and then, a day later, turn around and say you were ready to swear off all other options?

I guess there’s the possibility that you needed to get something out of your system. That seems plausible, if not completely immature. The idea that we need to exorcise ghosts from our pasts and erase people from some bucket list before we settle into something exclusive is someone else sounds healthy. But it’s not. Thinking that way just indicates that you fear you might be missing out on something and will only agree to commit once you know the other options won’t come through.

As for telling this guy what you did, you really have to ask yourself why you did that. There was just no need. Plus, if you really cared about that guy and you knew the night with your ex was a one time thing and you could skate by under a technicality, you would have instinctively been looking to protect his feelings and would have lied. That that instinct didn’t kick in should tell you something about how you feel about this man and the situation.

I’ve said this countless times: 100% honesty, 100% of the time does not belong in a relationship. Diplomacy is what matters.

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Filed Under: Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Date Like a Man, Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

You Gotta Have Faith (Or Do You?)

October 24, 2012 by 25 Comments

I was raised Catholic. While I wouldn’t call myself a practicing Catholic, I do believe that I have strong faith in God. When I was 25, my Dad bought me a Cross necklace for my birthday. I have never worn it. Instead, I have it hung over my bedpost. Why? Well, for two reasons. First, I don’t typically wear much jewelery at all. Between typing all day and working out, it gets in the way.

Second, because I know that if someone sees me wearing it they might make assumptions. They might assume I’m prudish or judgmental or conservative. Other than the judgmental thing, they’d be way off base. I’ve never been called a prude and I’m not terribly conservative in dating-related areas.But that tiny little symbol around my neck might say otherwise to some people.

I play down my faith in my dating profile. I don’t identify as Catholic. I checked off “spiritual.” I answered the OKCupid question about how important God is in my life by selecting “somewhat important.” My faith has definitely gotten me through these past few months since my Dad’s death. Last month we learned my step-mother is now very ill. (As in hospice is now involved.) To say that the second half of this year has been trying is an understatement. But I truly believe everything is happening the way it’s supposed to happen. I never questioned why my Dad died the way he did or when he did. Now, it makes sense.  Knowing that my step-mother has the faith she does brings me great comfort. Maybe it’s all a big joke. Right now, I don’t care. It gives her peace.

I don’t discriminate based on religion when I date. Whether or not someone chooses to practice a certain faith is a personal choice. I do not try and bring them over to my side. I also don’t hesitate to say that I believe in God. I’ve never experienced any resistance or had anyone try to debate my faith with me.If they did, I’d happily engage.

Yesterday’s post got me thinking about the topic of dating and faith. In that column, the subject of the story wanted to meet a man who shared her faith. I said that I felt that, if that was a deal breaker for someone, that they shouldn’t have very high expectation of meeting someone on any of the mainstream sites. From what I’ve seen, most people identify as Atheist or Agnostic. That would never deter me from contacting them. The people who make it a point to tell anybody with any sort of spiritual side not to message them do all of us a favor, in my opinion. If you’re ignorant enough to put down someone’s faith publicly, you’ll be a nightmare to date. So thanks for that.

Since I don’t want children, it’s easier for me to be less concerned about finding someone who shares my faith. I don’t need them to come to Mass with me. I can pray when I’m alone. Those people who do want kids have to consider whether or not they want their offspring to ascribe to or follow certain teachings or traditions. Having a partner who understands and supports those things would obviously make things much easier. But given how so many people seem to be moving away from religion, do we make it harder on ourselves to insist upon only dating someone who practices and believe what we believe?

As I said yesterday, I don’t think mainstream online dating sites are a wise choice for people looking to meet someone who shares their faith. For starters, their options will be severely limited, making the competition that much stiffer. I would think joining a faith-based social or community group would be more productive. There are sites that are targeted to specific faiths, like J-Date and ChristianSingles.com. But from what I hear, these sites are heavily populated by people who aren’t Jewish or Christian. (J-Date especially.)

With all of this in mind, I wanted to ask you guys what you thought.

Is finding someone who shares your faith of critical importance to you?

Could you find yourself in a relationship with someone whose religious views do not align with yours?

Would you be able to co-exist with someone who didn’t have any faith at all?

If you do require that your partner be of the same faith as you, have you been able to meet possible candidates via online dating?

Finally..has someone ever refused to date you because of your faith?

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Faith, Dating Over 40 Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

There’s Three Sides To Every Story – His, Hers & The Version You Choose To Believe

October 15, 2012 by 11 Comments

Name: Corrie
Website:

Age: 28
State: NYC
When I first started dating my boyfriend he told me he had cheated on his previous girlfriend one time. I never asked why they broke up or anything about her/them.  He said things between them were rocky and he regretted cheating and that he broke up with her right after because he knew things weren’t right. He swears he never saw the other woman again.  He told me she (the other woman) was spreading rumors about him and wanted me to hear it from him before anyone else said anything. When he first told me I confided in a close friend. She told me to give him the benefit of the doubt and that people make mistakes. We’ve been together almost a year now. Last weekend the same friend who told me to give him a chance said she had heard through the grapevine that he had cheated on his Ex more than once. Now I don’t know who or what to believe. I want to ask him about it but things are going well and I don’t want to bring up something from the past. Your advice would be appreciated.

First and foremost…do you trust this girlfriend? If you do and she’s never given you reason to believe she didn’t have your best interests in mind, then proceed with caution.

By coming to you with the story first, your boyfriend did what they call in the PR industry “getting ahead of the story.” Before anybody had a chance to get to you first, he decided to pre-empt another person’s version of events. I can’t fault him for that. He feared that something was coming down the pipeline that could negatively impact his life. He very well might have thrown himself under the bus because he truly cares for you and doesn’t want to lose you. That’s a possibility.

Here’s what I find interesting: (Bear with me. This is how my mind works. I see  a mystery. I try to solve it. YMMV.)

1. Given how accessible we all are today, it’s interesting to me that this woman wouldn’t just contact you directly. That’s Girl With a Grudge 101,no?  If the woman’s goal was to come between you two or “ruin” him, she took the long road. Which, to me, makes no sense if she truly had an axe to grind versus just thinks he’s a douche.

2. In a situation like this, people only confess because they fear they’re about to get caught. I agree with your friend that people make mistakes.  He’s hoping that the fact that he came to you first will speak well for him should this ever get back to you. (He does get points for this.) The story was framed in a way to imply he felt remorse and did the humane thing and put  his girlfriend out of her misery and released her into the dating wild. Okay. That’s only true if he cheated once.   If he cheated more than that, well, that whole part of the story goes out the window. Anybody in his shoes is going to tell a sanitized version of events. But how much was said to save the relationship versus what is said to save his own ass? That’s unknown. Personally, I think he should have just kept his mouth shut. But that’s me.

3. Not only is he telling you he cheated, but he’s also letting you know that there’s someone out there – a “crazy ex” – who doesn’t like him. I’ve spoken before about how guys who tell their girlfriends about “crazy exes” are suspect to me. As I’ve said before, rarely is the “crazy ex” totally crazy. Usually, that “crazy ex” has a reason for not liking the guy. Only in the most severe cases are women just deluded and unstable like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Had you not alerted your girlfriend to this, it’s possible this gossip wouldn’t have dropped into her lap. If it’s been a year and you’ve heard nothing first hand other than what he told you, then my guess is she’s not as “crazy” as he made her out to be. Calling it a grudge might be a little dramatic. She doesn’t like him. There’s probably a reason for that. Is it valid? You’ll never know unless you talk to her. Which I don’t advise unless you really are prepared to hear things that could change your mind about him.

Here’s a question: if he had never told you that he cheated, would your friend’s news bother you as much? I ask this because I happen to think that women like to believe that they’d reconsider dating a man with a history of bad behavior, but actually wouldn’t. It’s like the “what’s your number” question. Honestly, would you *really* dump a guy because he had slept with 100 women? Doubtful. Same goes for cheating. We like to believe that we’re the woman who came along and made a guy a better man. If he cheated on someone else, so what? I’m different. He won’t do that to me. I’ve broken him of that bad habit. To be fair, sometimes, that is the case. Sometimes someone just needs to meet the right person to never cheat again. The reality is, I’d best most of us have been or are currently involved with serial cheaters and just don’t know it.

The real question is whether or not you can move past this.

Whether he cheated once or multiple times is kind of moot at this point.  If he cares about you then it makes sense that he would lie.  The thing you need to get past is whatever story you’ve chosen to believe. Before you say anything, ask yourself how you will react if he tells you the rumors are true or false. If he says they’re true, what’s your next move? You have to have that decided upon before you say anything. If he says they’re false, will you accept that and let it drop? If not, then there is no point in asking him about this.

People screw up. He could genuinely really care for you and had the misguided thought that telling you would help his case should this come to light. Or he lied. It’s been almost a year. If there have been no other bumps, then I think you should let sleeping dogs lie until things become sign on the dotted line serious. (Moving in together, getting engaged, etc.)

If you are going to question his integrity from here on out because of this, get out now.

 

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Cheating, Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Even Men Get Played

September 24, 2012 by 19 Comments

Name: Jeff
Age: 45
State: Maryland
Question: This has been an ongoing issue with a woman I’m dating. First the background: When this issue arose we are 4 months into this relationship, we are now at month 6+. Two weeks prior to this issue I had a minor crisis which caused us to spend far more time together than was planned. I walked away from that weekend with a deeper connection as the crisis had a side benefit of bringing us, or at least me closer to her. We have a long distance relationship as she lives about 2 hours from me. Our time together is mostly weekends with the occasional midweek date, extended weekend, etc, etc… We really hit it off, share many common interests, it doesn’t hurt that the sex is good too. How into her am I? I was inspired to do things for her: little gifts that while they didn’t cost much sent a message that I listen to you. Then there was the occasion where I transported fresh roses 3 hours in a car on a hot summer day, hid them, to surprise her with them at bed time, more on that later.

The issue is this: We rented a beach house. As I have kids I can only be there every other weekend, she is there every weekend. The issue that started this trip to the dark side was a shirt that was not mine. Getting into bed one night I opened a night stand drawer to stow my clothing for the night. Opening the drawer I find a shirt that I initially thought was mine left behind from a past weekend. Picking it up I discover that while it is my style it is not my size; XL vs. XXL. Granted this is a share house. While she had been there the weekend before we both were away 2 weeks prior. Upon finding it I asked her about it, not in an accusatory tone but one of puzzlement. Her reply, “You’re here every other weekend, your an XL, the guy who was here last weekend? He’s an XXL!” Unbeknownst to her there was a dozen of roses waiting for her on the headboard as she tells me she is fucking some guy a size bigger when I am not around!. Needless to say this was to use her words, major buzz kill! I was so turned off by this that I rolled over & went to sleep. I thought about packing my bags & going home right then & there. I stayed for a few reasons: Didn’t want to over react, it was 2 A.M., At this point I was awake for about 36 hours & leaving would have been suicidal as I needed sleep. The next day, Saturday, she smoothed things over told me she was “just joking”, (to which I’ve asked, “Who the fuck throws themselves under a bus like that?). While I wanted to believe her my spidey sense was now on alert. Later that day a visitor showed up at the house looking for her & a house mate. He was told she was up stairs in her bedroom, (we had been having sex, she suddenly ended things just as they were getting hot about 5 minutes prior to this guys arrival). This visitor does not call out to her from the first floor. He proceeded to walk up the stairs to our bedroom. To say the least this guy was way too familiar for my liking. I later told her if he does it again I will not be beating feet into the bathroom. That’s code for there will be a confrontation. BTW, he is an XXL & I’ve not hit anyone since high school.

After that weekend without a doubt I was not the same person, or should I say we were not the same couple? Without a doubt I paid greater attention to our surroundings. Let me add that as women go she is a hard woman to date: Life of the party, very flirty, many male friends, a few who are close…closer than I care, to say the least. Up until this point I handled all of this well. If she wanted to take an hour or 2 on a Saturday to golf with one of these guys I had no issue. Space is healthy in a relationship after all.

Paying greater attention to her & perhaps reading into things I learned this: One night while having sex she passionately tells me, “It’s been so long since we hooked up”. It was three weeks. I wanted to puke as I didn’t think I was someone she “hooked up” with. I’ve learned she can be a sneak and she does lies by omission. The male friends I mentioned? There is one who she actually briefly dated. One night after a party I felt the need to tell her that she needs to pay better attention to me as I felt like she was on a date with him. Side note: That night I asked this guy, “How long did you 2 date? He lied & said they never dated. Reading into things there was a moment with a girlfriend of hers where her g/f said to me, “You’re in love with her.” I replied, “Perhaps”. While the g/f said no more there was a look on her face that said, “if you only knew”. Moving forward a month after her “joke” I brought my kids out to the house for a mid week vacation. When I told her we were coming out on Sunday morning to spend the day at the beach as we wanted to make the most out of it she had a fit. She was in a absolute panic telling me how she didn’t want me showing up with kids, causing her housemates to feel like they had to make room for us, etc, etc… I told her I would not impose on her or fellow house mates, was not going to even show up at the house until Sunday night. Nothing mattered, as I said she was in a panic. I agreed not to arrive until late Sunday. Of course that marked the first time I lied to her. Me thought “the lady doth protest too much”. I arrived at the house at 7:30 on Sunday morning under the auspices of needing to get my beach items. I was there for one reason: To check up on her. What I found was that her car was there. Going through the house there was no sign of her. I was in her bedroom, her g/f was there asleep, she was not. Additionally she never goes anywhere without her cell phone. Calling it many times as I walked through our house it did ring many times. There was no answer by her, & no sound of it anywhere within our house.

Over the course of the next week I asked many questions, nailing her down on many issues one being that she was home that night. At first she didn’t recall what time she arrived, (her roommate was quick to declare that she “was home at 12:30″). After a week of her telling me many things I confronted her asking her where she stayed that Saturday night. She has done nothing but lie & claim she was home, clinging to the fact that her “car was home” & she never goes anywhere without her car. She had briefly stated that I lived 2 hours away. I told her that was true when I met her & true now adding I didn’t know we were no longer in an exclusive relationship. When I told her I had parked my car down the street as I knew she would have to pass that way & I saw her drive by she asked me what kind of car it was. Note no, that is impossible because I was home. She also went on to enlist 2 friends to tell me she was home that night, how juvenile! I’ve told her this is not something that someone whispered in my ear, I saw it with my own eyes, you were not here, there was no sign of you having slept in any bed and all of the other beds were taken.

Needless to say this is a recurring argument between us. Every time we encounter a random male friend of hers I dare not ask who he is or I am greeted with, “So do you think I’m sleeping with him too?” I answer no I do not. I’ve admitted that I do wonder who she spent the night with the night she stayed out. On that note I do know that she spent at least part of that night at a friend’s house. This friend is an engaged couple. They too have a share house with other house mates. I am leery of her friendship with this couple as I find it strange. One night when we were out with this couple there was a conversation where the woman was simply rude & insulting to me. Later discussing it with her I was warned, “Don’t come between me & (insert guys name), I warn you, you will lose.” She refers to the woman as her “sister”. Challenged on that she went on to explain that they are getting married & she has accepted her as her “sister”. This last part has me wondering if she swings with this couple. If this was Utah I would think there is some Big Love going on.

My question is, is this worth saving? Is there anything to save? Should she come clean would I be able to move past it?

Confused!

 

Is there anything to save?

You mean other than your dignity, self-respect and manhood?

You fell for the charming, charismatic woman. She has dumped on you time and again and you’ve taken it. She has no respect for you or probably any man stupid enough to date her. She dallies with guys like you because they give her a sense of power. Put her up against a true Alpha Male and she’d be in your shoes. This girl has a myriad of issues. None of which you’ll ever be able to fix. She’s still living like she’s a twenty something. A summer share? Really? How very Real World circa 1993.

There’s nothing to add to this other than you need to dump her before she manages to suck every ounce of life out of you and continue to drain your bank account. Let her fritter her years away like this. You can be sure it will all eventually catch up to her. Women like this always end up alone or with cuckholdish boyfriends/husbands.

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Filed Under: Cheating, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Trust, Dating Over 40 Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Man Who Proposes After 2 Months

September 16, 2012 by 12 Comments

Name: diana
Age: 40
State: boston
Question: I have some serious issues here, met a guy he is 48, i am 40, he seemed nice at beginning, sent flowers to my job, and a small gift it wasnt real or anything but he just wanted to send me something. well i went to meet this guy for first time, he lived in a small, very small studio,  we spent weekend just talking and gettin to know each other, i thought he was a nice guy, laid back,  i asked him where he was from, he said he came from jamaica 4 years ago, lived in florida then moved to VA with his brother, in florida he lived with others that were from Jamaica,  anyhow i didnt think much of it,  i went to see him twice, and both times he always bought up coming to my house and staying a week, i can go to work and leave him there he will be ok,  a red flag went up, because i was wondering why this dude wants to go to my house so fast, and stay a week, well i didnt answer,  finally i let him come, he stayed a week, but i stayed also, took vacation time, i dont leave anyone in my house alone,  well he pulls out these fake engagement ring,  and proposed, MIND YOU.. its only two months into the thing we had,  he proposed,  i said its to soon for that,  so i said yes just to see what happens next,  he started making dates, within 6 months he wants to marry, at justice of peace, and all this stuff,  then he ask me can he have 500 bucks because he behind on his rent,  then i had to pay his way twice to come see me,  once we went to station counter together, im thinking he gonna pay his own way, i already had my ticket,  well he pulls out his debit card and it was declined, no funds,  RED FLAG GOES UP,  he knew he had no money on that card when we was walking to the counter,  he knew he didnt, and he knew i would end up paying since we were there,  i peeped that one..  i paid, but i was heated. and he saw it,  I ask him how is he gettin paid,  he said he cant file taxes,  RED FLAG, i said WHY?   he said he dont have his papers,  RED FLAG,  i said what papers,  he said papers to be here in US,  RED FLAG!  he said he met a woman when he first got here, and married her after 7 months,  but when he asked her can he come live with her, she said NO,  he filed for divorce he said,  RED FLAG AGAIN,  i asked him why would someone he marry and suppose to be his wife say no to her husband living with her,  that didnt sound right!!!!!   then i notice he always yelling at me and its always his word and  my words didnt matter,  he never wanted to hear my side, he always say CONVERSATION OVER!  when he was done talking,  so cold hearted and mean i figured,  he yell at me and say HUSH.  once during sex, i said it hurts i dont want to put my leg there,  he said SHUT UP, and kept going hard,   ((sorry for puttin that in there but i had to tell it as it is)))  i also notice this dude belittling me saying i had no self belief and no self esteem,  i was full of shit,  and i asked him was he seeing someone  he went off on me badly,  and cursed me out.  then he says ,  we will marry but give him time, just be patient,  he will live in his place and i will stay at mine,  just have patience and let him take care of a few things and we will live anywhere i want together,  in my town or his,  RED FLAG,  i said to myself is this dude thinking im dumb, marry him, he stay in his place and me in mine,  then after he get his papers he dump me and divorce or something,  i am not sure how that stuff work,  he would get mad at me and stop speaking or answering my calls for a while,  then call and say TALK,  he is jamaican and i had a lil trouble understanding some things he say,  i never dated a jamaican before.    soon as i told him i decided not to marry,  he stop talking to me and wouldnt answer my calls or texts,  or return them,  so its clear he was using me to get his papers,   DAMN SHAME!   JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY STORY,  feel free to leave a word on it,  was i being used or not?

The truth is, Diana, you knew you were being scammed and you went along with it. Then, only when he decided to move on to another mark, you chose to feel vicitimized. The minute to accepted that marriage proposal, you became complicit in his deception.

And scene.

It’s okay to go forward with a situation even though your feelers might be jangling a bit. The purpose of seeing situations like this through to a point is to help you learn how to interpret your instincts. I’ve said this before. Rarely are our instincts wrong. It is how we decipher those internal warning signs that usually fails us. The main reason why so many people seem to stall at the same point in every relationship is because they’ve never followed through. They usually bail at the first sign of “trouble.” Or they do something that sabotages the relationship. Them when the person they suspected was “shady” disappears, they choose to believe that their instincts were correct. That’s how someone creates a false belief. It is those false beliefs that lead people down the wrong path.

The moment that the man in this story whipped out a fake engagement ring, that should have been all the confirmation Diana needed to know that he was up to something. Had she walked away then, she would have saved $500 and a portion of her dignity.

The problem I have with these stories is that most people – men and women -  ignore the fact that these stories almost exclusively come from people who display a myriad of issues and dating difficulties themselves. The listening audience doesn’t factor that very important bit of information into the big picture. Remember that the next time you hear or read a story like this.

Allow me to enlighten you. It’s very rare that someone who tells these tales of woe do so in order to help people. They tell these stories hoping people will join in and commiserate and/or congratulate them for being so smart/independent/savvy. I was recently moving furniture in and out of my apartment. As I stood outside waiting for my friend to come back from the store, a guy who was also hanging outside started to chat me up. Within ten minutes, I learned that his girlfriend had recently called off their engagement. Immediately a bell went off in my head. “Why is he telling me this?” I wondered. I politely declined when he asked for my number.

Develop a belief system and personal code that isn’t based on the distorted views and experiences of others. The mere fact that anybody would tell a story like the IP’s – publicly, no less – is a red flag in and of itself. Personally, I’d be embarrassed to admit to something like this. It’s one thing to turn to a trusted confidante. It’s a whole other ball of wax to share an experience like this with anybody who will listen.

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Filed Under: Bad Dates, Co-Habitation, Couple Conundrums, Critical Thinking, Dating, Douchey Guys, Dysfunction Junction, Red Flags

Estate of Affairs

July 18, 2012 by 17 Comments

Much of the last months has been taken up with dealing with/distributing my Dad’s estate. I’ve had to get myself up to speed on all kinds of “grown up” things like deeds, titles, notes, executors, etc.

As such, I’ve started to think about certain things in a different way. Such as:

If you move in with someone who owns their own apartment, do you ask to have your name put on the mortgage? If so, when? Why or why not?

If a family heirloom, say an engagement ring, is passed on to a family member, and they give it to their fiancee and they break up, does the ring come back to the family?

Finally, would you want to live in an apartment with your significant other that they shared (as in lived with) someone else? This was a big one for me. I don’t think I would want to live somewhere where my partner created a life with someone else. Too many memories and ghosts. I would probably lobby for us to find our own place. The issue, if that partners owns their place, is whether or not it’s fair to force someone to put a property on the market that they bought and on which they have been paying a mortgage. In a situation like that, I guess the appropriate thing to do is suck it up. And get a new mattress.

I realize that whomever I date has a past. There will be finger and footprints of an ex or two all over any apartment in which they live. The idea of someone other woman sleeping in his bed a few nights a week doesn’t bother. The idea of another woman carving out a space for herself in his (their?) home would.

Over the years, I’ve really come around to appreciating having my own space. I’m not sure it’s necessary to actually co-habitate together in the same space. Frankly, I see far more benefits living together, apart as they say. I think it would make each partner miss and therefore appreciate the other more. Of course, I’m talking about couple that don’t plan on having kids. Obviously, this might not be the ideal arrangement for those who want children.

From the above linked article:

Until about a year ago, Ms. Jacobs lived contentedly alone in a small San Francisco studio. Now she is cohabiting, sort of, for the first time since college. Mr. Pardo, a kindly, thrice-married art dealer, wooed her with an offer she couldn’t resist: her own bungalow, right behind his.

Theirs is a new twist on a newish trend, particularly among boomer-age couples, known as living apart together, or L.A.T. for short, an acronym that describes those who commit to each other, but not to having the same address. For Ms. Jacobs and Mr. Pardo, cohabiting at the same address but in two houses was a happy accident, she said.

When Mr. Pardo, who is now 63, asked her to marry him on their third date, she rebuffed him immediately.

“I told him I’d never lived with a man,” she recalled. “And at 50, I wasn’t going to start. I said the only way I could imagine it was if we had two houses. Of course, then he bought these. It’s intoxicating to have somebody want you that badly. How can you deny someone with such good taste?”

 

Okay. Maybe this isn’t the best example. These two sound rather..eccentric. But , hey. It appears to work.

I tend to think that, the longer you live on your own, the more difficult it will be to live with someone. Relationships and dating in general is rapidly changing. So doesn’t it make sense that these more non-traditional avenues are becoming more common?

Maybe we’re wising up and accepting certain realities regarding monogamy and living together and marriage? Namely, that they don’t really work? Sure, 50% of marriages don’t end in divorce. But how many of those are actually couples who suffer in silence or refuse to be taken to the cleaners or stay together for the kids?

If I was made aware of anything over these past few months while dealing with my Dad’s illness and passing, it’s that what he hand my Step-mom had was very, very rare. They were happy. Truly happy. But how many people come into a relationship with such an understanding of commitment? How many people get engaged with the intention of getting married and aren’t just buying time?

Just some random thoughts this morning, folks.

Speak.

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Couple Conundrums, Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Renting vs. Owning – What’s Really Involved With Living Together?

May 1, 2012 by 43 Comments

Boyfriend and I want to buy an apartment together. I asked my parents for a loan. They said they’d help me buy a place of my own but not one with him. They said I’m too young and haven’t been dating him long enough for me to make such an investment and that it’s too risky. I’m 22 and been dating him a year. Advice? – Nerve Confessions

I thought this might make for an interesting discussion.

First, there is the financial aspect of this scenario. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but in theory buying  an apartment with someone you’ve been dating all of a year – at 21/22 no less – seems like a huge financial risk.

I’d also be uncomfortable moving in with someone – at any age – where it was just his name on the paperwork. There just doesn’t seem to be any security in that.

How does one handle the legal aspects of co-habitation? Do you request that your name be put on the lease or mortgage? Or do you just cross your fingers and hope it works out and decide to think about the rest later?

Do you do credit checks on each other? Would you really reconsider living together if their credit or financial history doesn’t appear to be as sound as you’d like it to be?

What if the person you’re thinking of moving in with has never fully financially supported themselves? Would that be a concern?

As far as the poster’s age goes, when did people start moving in together at such a young age? I freely admit that I am an Old and could be out of touch. But is it me or does it seem that people move in together much more quickly these days? There was a time when living together meant you and your partner were on your way to something more long term. Now it feels as though this is just something people do and don’t put much thought in to it other than it will help them cut down on expenses.

I also wanted to discuss the whole renting vs. owning thing. Eliza brought up in a comment recently how she met a man who lived in a less than stellar apartment. She pointed out that it was a rental. Do people really care about whether or not someone rents versus owns? Why or why not?

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Finances, Shackin' Up Tagged With: , ,
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