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How Does She Date a Guy With a “Crazy” Ex?

June 7, 2013 by 44 Comments

Name: MaryHere's Looking At You

Comment: I have been with a “separated” man for 3 years now. He has 2 girls, who are now 18 and 22. He has been paying a huge amount of support, and some of their bills that he says the court ordered him to. The “wife” lives beyond her income, and he continues to give the small amount left in his paycheck for all the extra things like car repairs, prom dresses, year books, etc. He actually took out another loan to finance the car repairs, and another charge card to pay for a huge vet bill! His “wife” actually makes more a year than him!
 I let him live with me for a year early in our relationship, but broke off the relationship and insisted that I didn’t want to continue to be a secret from his girls any longer. He told his girls about me, and made promises that he eventually broke. I have not let him move back into my house, but I continue to pay for him when we go out, and help him out financially with things like motorcycle batteries, etc… I keep track of what I spend, and insist that he pay me back after years of not doing that.
 He filed for divorce through a cheap internet site, and all she had to do is sign the papers. That was 2 years ago, and she talked him into pulling out the divorce so that SHE could file herself due to the divorce not being GOOD ENOUGH from the internet. HE DID! And she hasn’t filed the papers yet, a year later!
 I could go on and on, but in 2 weeks he no longer has to pay support, and I’m waiting to see if he follows through on his promises to me.
 I am a widow of 4 years, and very independant, but regret being so naive to what I was getting myself into. My family has all welcomed him into our family after me “sticking up” for him, but I am NOT allowed to attend his daughters graduation ceremony, because it would UPSET his “wife”.
His girls do get along with me after a few years of grief, and they joined my surprise birthday party I had for their dad. But his “wife” hates me, and calls me names, which I do not understand since I met him AFTER he left her?
 What should I do?
Age: 51
City: Pittsburgh
State: PA

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Dating Over 40, Deaing With an Ex, Divorce Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Why Doesn’t She Have Custody of Her Kids?

May 20, 2013 by 16 Comments

Name: Lou

Comment: I have been online dating for a few years and I do not have any kids. Most women in my age range have kids. But I have come across Fearful peek over a table something that is new to me. The woman I am dating for 3 weeks now does not have residential custody of her kids. The kids (ages 6,10,12) live with their Dad in the house she used to live at also. She  moved out and now lives about a mile from the house and sees the kids every day for a few hours after school and on the weekends. They sometimes stay overnight with her at her apartment on the weekends. She works 9-3 at her job which allows her to spend some time with the kids after school before the Dad gets home from work. Since they have a babysitter, she is able to leave the house before he gets home since they (her and her ex) always end up arguing when they see each other in person.

I have never heard of a Mom not living with the kids. In every case, if the Dad did OK financially , he would be the one to move out and then pay child support and alimony so the kids could live with the Mom in the house. Every single/divorced Mom I ever dated, lived with the kids and the Dad has visitation rights. This scenario is completely reversed and I don’t know what to think.

I know this is a potential red flag. Or it may not be a red flag at all.   She seems really cool, the sex is good and we have fun when we are together.  But I know part of me is judging her and this arrangement. I was wondering where you and your readers came down on this topic.
Thank you.
Age: 46
City: Buffalo
State: NY

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

If They’re Out of Your League, They’re Up To No Good

April 2, 2013 by 37 Comments

Name: Sarah
City: Austin
State: Texas
Comment: In my mind, I know the answer to my question, but in my heart – I guess I need to hear it from other people.

I met a man back in December – he pursued hanging out with me – just fun, going out stuff, not dates. This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently. I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me. I researched him online and got the impression that he might be married. So I asked him – he came clean and indicated that he was separated, but still in the same house, but was going to move out & start divorce proceedings. Since it had been a long-term marriage (more than 15 years) and there were two kids – I was wary. I basically said we’d have to cool it until he really moved out & I could see that he was being honest about proceeding with a divorce. He did move out shortly thereafter and we resumed talking and dating. During the course of all of this, he would constantly send me texts – you’re awesome! and give me affirmations of his interest – I think about you all the time, I miss you when you’re not around, I feel like we have such a unique situation, etc. BUT he would also say – i’m all messed up in my head, I don’t really know what I’m looking for, etc. Again – I expressed my concern – saying that I wondered if he thought I was so awesome or if it felt so special because what he was coming from had felt so wrong for such a long time. So I tried to protect myself…but it’s hard when you DO feel a connection and you DO feel like this could be someone for the long-term and they are also expressing that. Then after about 2 months he started to pull away. Saying that he felt guilty about not spending more time with his kids and that he really needed to get busy and finalize things and clear up his personal situation. MY understanding from our conversation was that we were going to keep it casual, still see each other but try to “pump the brakes” so to speak. However, it’s now been a week and I haven’t seen him and I’ve only had one text saying hello/hope you are having a nice weekend. I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting? I was REALLY ok with taking a step back & being more casual for a little while to see if we truly had a connection but I didn’t expect it to just disintegrate completely. Do I just relax, not contact him & let him contact me? Or do I push for resolution and ask him to explain what is going on? Give up entirely?
Age: 41

 

I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me.

Let’s address this point first. This? This is in your head. No confident and secure man is intimidated by a woman, for any reason. Stop telling yourself this to make yourself feel better. Either you’re drawn to men with issues or there is something unlikeable about you. Those are the only to options to explain this phenomenon.

This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently.

If this guy was atypical for what you generally meet, that likely means that something about his interest was disingenuous somehow. Sorry, but it does.  The fact that he didn’t even tell you he was married, knowing how the internet works and how common it is to Google someone, means he didn’t care enough to tell you about his status. He wasn’t concerned if you found out. Why? Because he didn’t actually care, period. That was the second red flag that this guy was going to fade. The first was that this dream man appeared in your life at all.

I get the desire to meet someone with a similar intellect or life experience. But the reality is that if we struggle to find that well educated and polished needle in a hay stack, then we should question when one falls in our lap rather effortlessly. I’m choosing to ignore the whole “on my level” thing. Holding out for that guy hasn’t served you well so far. You’re not going to readjust your expectations or self-perception until you get tired of the disappointment and frustration.

This guy was looking to get laid and likely never expected to stay involved with you in any way once that happened. He’s investing time by sending texts. That’s all part of the maintenance involved with cultivating a roster of options. He’s dipping his toe pack in the pool in order to see what is out there before he finally makes the move and leaves his marriage. He doesn’t want to let go of one branch without making sure there will be others to grasp.

I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting?

Easy peasy. He never thought you were the greatest thing since sliced bread in the first place. It was an act. Remember what I said about guys up to no good who pile it on are being disingenuous? This is a perfect example.

His reason for pulling back is that he senses you’re looking for a relationship and that’s not something he can offer. The stuff about his kids and needing to get his head straight, while I’m sure true to some degree, are not why he’s fading. This guy isn’t interested in you in the way you are interested in him. Let it go.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Dating Over 40, Red Flags, Rejection, The Talk, The Unavailable Man/Woman, To Settle or Not To Settle, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Should He Let Go of His Desire To Have Kids?

March 27, 2013 by 42 Comments

Name: Brian
City: New York City
State: NY
Comment: My divorce became final a few months and I’d like to start dating again. Since I would like to have biological children I prefer to date women between who are early to mid thirties. I’m upfront about this in my OK Cupid profile but find I am not getting the results that I want. I mainly hear from women late thirties and older.  Many of them are divorced women with children of their own. I’d prefer to have my own children before becoming a parent to another person’s child. How do I increase my chances of meeting someone in my desired age range who also wants to have children?
Age: 43

 

I think you need to start by being more realistic. While 43 certainly isn’t old, a woman of 30-35 can easily find a man closer to her own age. The early thirties woman might casually date you. I’m not sure you’ll find many that are crazy about having kids with a guy who will be a first time Dad at 45 or even older. Also working against you is the fact that you’re newly divorced. A lot of women will hear that and be skeptical that you’re actually ready to date again or in a rush to knock them up. I would suggest not mentioning how recent your divorce is in your profile. If a woman asks, then you can say within the last year until you get to know her better. Then you can tell her the truth. If, in your profile, you reveal your intention of meeting someone with whom you’d like to have children, take that out as well. That makes you sound like you have a biological clock ticking very loudly, and that ain’t sexy. No woman likes to be thought of as just a baby making machine. Whenever I see a profile of a man in his forties who says he still wants children, I pass.  I question the judgment and perspective of someone 40+ and above who hasn’t let go of that particular expectation. That’s not realistic, and that’s a sign of other possible difficulties.

If having children is a priority for you then you really should be focusing on the women in their late thirties. Yes, I know, they’re in their late thirties. But Brian….you’re almost in your mid-forties. Time to face some hard reality. First, you are less attractive to many women 10 years younger than you. You just are.  Put you next to a 35 year old and a woman is probably going to choose the 35 year old. Regardless of how potent you think your sperm is, the fact still remains that you’re still getting up there.You might be extremely fit and active, but you’d still be 8-12 years older than the women you wish to date. They don’t have to date someone your age. It’s possible that your desire to have children will go unfulfilled. Especially if you cut off women “of a certain age” because you insist upon dating younger. Blah blah blah biological imperative. I can hear some of the male commenters now.

I think you’d have a much better chance of having your own children if you broadened your horizons a bit. As we’ve said before, the people who are contacting you online are the ones looking for someone like you. Don’t fritter away your time and energy by chasing a dream because you still feel you deserve or are entitled to something else. That’s how people get burnt out on online dating.

There just comes a point in everybody’s life when they have to accept that certain goals or wishes are out of their reach.  And some people are just out of our league. They just are. As brutal as this might sound, men and women in their late thirties and older need to stop looking for the needle in the haystack and start getting real about their options. Marriage and kids  might not happen. You might not get that bright and shiny new car relationship. There might be a lot of mileage or a few dents. That just comes with the  territory as we grow older. Banging your head against the wall and rejecting people for not being exactly what you want isn’t going to get you closer to your goal. The reality is that you’re probably a little banged up, too. You can’t date for as long as we have and not be.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Meeting Women, Moxie 101, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Social Rules of Dating, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Moxie 101: After 35, You Just Don’t Get To Be So Picky

February 6, 2013 by 63 Comments

Name: JaneF
Age: 45
State: FL
Question: I find it impossible to meet anyone of quality. I’ve tried online, offline, inline, outtaline, you name it.
I’m slender, pretty, and fun, over 40 but playful and ‘young’ for my age and not attracted to anyone 50+ or 250lbs+  (I’ve tried!). I’m friendly, smiley, attractive, smart and get attention from men…it’s me who doesn’t like them, not the opposite.I’m friendly, smiley, attractive, smart and get attention from men…it’s me who doesn’t like them, not the opposite.
Yeah, I have “baggage” (who doesn’t?) – I’m divorced, gainfully employed, and share custody of the two most amazing, happy, delightful kids imaginable -we’re very close, but they are 1 year away from leaving home and I am looking for a true love to share my life with. I’ve been divorced for ages, and looking for 4 years since losing my long-term BF (no, there’s no chance of reconciliation- he’s engaged- to someone with no kids).

I see so many red flags when dating someone new and have come to the conclusion I’m just a bad “fit” for men here (FL) who are used to flashy, shallow golddiggers who throw themselves at man, and just expect the same from me. (again, the “fit” issue) I expect courtship and old-fashioned romance, but that’s gone the way of the dinosaur. I see some of my friends’ husbands are good guys, but I’ve not met any single guys of strong character (and I’m not interested in stealing someone else’s man, I have a strict moral code).

I’ve tried meetup. Grocery stores. Bookstores. Asking friends to fix me up. Social media. You name it. That saying “all the good ones are taken” is absolutely true. (Or gay). Ok, so tell me I’m wrong, or that there is something I can do differently and get a different result. I’m open to and appreciate gentle suggestions – just don’t beat me up – I’m fragile and sensitive ;) I’d even relocate if I met the perfect guy, which is something I’d never consider til now (now that the kids are grown).

I’m convinced there’s a better place where men are honest, faithful, spiritual, respectful, smart and sexually attractive – it’s called Oz. Just kidding. Am I on crack, or does a place like this exist – do I just have to drastically lower my standards and date men I don’t even respect or give it up and retire an old maid?

 

I’m slender, pretty, and fun, over 40 but playful and ‘young’ for my age and not attracted to anyone 50+ or 250lbs+  (I’ve tried!).

Try harder. You’re 45. Your target age range, if you’re looking for a long term relationship, is roughly 47-57. Yes, you’re going to have to make some concessions if you seek a committed relationship. I’m sorry to seem curt, but I simply can’t keep answering letters like this. I can’t. I can’t keep saying that you need to choose wisely when you get married or when you commit to someone. I can’t keep saying that fewer men are committing and therefore you need to refocus your energies and re-evaluate these so-called standards you have.

It’s not that all the good ones are taken. It’s that all the good ones you want are either taken or don’t want you. There. Fixed that for you. There are plenty of great guys out there who seek a relationship with a 45 year old divorcee with kids. Unfortunately for you, they all fall under your undesirable category. Yes, you’re going to lower your drastically out of whack standards. Sorry, but that’s your only recourse here. That and get a more accurate perception of what your value is in your particular market. 45. Divorced. With kids. If you seek a serious relationship, you’re probably going to have more luck focusing on the Divorced Dad market. Guys your age or a couple years old who don’t have children don’t have them for a reason: they don’t want them. They also don’t want to take on the added responsibility of being financially responsible for another man’s children. Yes. I know. That wouldn’t be the case. Unfortunately, many men won’t believe you. And let’s be honest…that wouldn’t be entirely true. At some point, if you and a man get serious, he will be shelling out money for your kids in some way.

I am looking for a true love to share my life with

But…you already had a true love. That guy you married, remember? Weren’t you going to have true love with him and share your life with him? What happened there and what makes you think that a) you deserve another shot at it and b) you’ll be any better at it the next time around? Look, you might be everything you say you are. A catch and a half. That’s not the issue. The issue is this entitlement you appear to feel about how every lid has a pot, etc. You might have to settle for great companionship. It’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth.

As for whether or not you should give up, that’s a personal choice. I do think you’ll need to make changes. Maybe that includes moving or maybe that involves lowering your standards. I don’t know. If you’re using all these mediums and outlets to try and meet someone and nothing is working, obviously changes need to be made.

Whatever you do, you need to confront this fear you have of ending up alone. Because..you might. Dating just so you can alleviate this fear of dying alone in your home and having cats eat your face off rarely ends well.

 

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Filed Under: Dating 2.0, Dating Advice, Dating After Divorce, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Humblebrag Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Man Who Was Burned By His Ex

January 30, 2013 by 35 Comments

Name: Peter
Age: 28
State:
Question: The last post in regards to single vs divorced is the impetus for this letter.  I am currently separated from my wife and required to live apart for 1 full year before filing for divorce in my state with 6 months down and 6 more to go.

I have listed myself as divorced on my online profiles versus separated as there is zero chance of reconciliation, although I remain legally married.  We have a separation agreement, so our assets are settled and all that is left is a court date in 6 months to tell the judge we’re done.

My problem is that being 20-something and divorced carries a stigma.  I was married 5 years and my wife ended up buying a plane ticket to see another man and asked me for an open marriage.  I told her to cancel the ticket and move out or she could fly out to see the guy with the expectation of me not being here when she got back, so she moved out and cancelled the ticket last minute, keeping her options open.  A month later, she asked for a divorce, rebooked her plane ticket, and ended up moving in with the guy several states away just a few weeks later.  I found her journal on the computer when I was sorting through backup files and figuring out what files I needed to get back to her and found out before we got married she cheated on ex-boyfriends, tried to break up engaged couples, and basically fell in love with every man she ever met and manipulated them for her personal gain.  It turned out everything was an elaborate front and the woman I married never existed.

The bottom line is I was a victim in my marriage/divorce.  Before I found out she wasn’t the person she claimed to be, I told my ex-wife I’d quit my job, quit grad school, go to counseling, and do whatever else it took to save our marriage, but it was all for nothing if she wasn’t willing to put forth the effort since I couldn’t save our marriage on my own.  She told me not to do any of the above and gave up on me, which in hindsight was a good thing after finding her journal.

I live in the Bible Belt/South and the type of women I want to attract are those with strong values as my ex-wife turned out to not have any values at all.  This typically means a woman who is religious or politically conservative (of which my ex-wife was neither), which I have no problem with, but I carry the divorced stigma and get judged negatively despite the fact I was willing to give up everything to make my marriage work.  My parents are divorced and a “family history of divorce” seems to also be a red flag with  women also.

Beyond the divorce stigma, I’m a catch: I’m good looking, work out regularly, earn six figures, own a house, finish grad school in May, and I’m obviously not afraid of monogamy or commitment.  I realize that everyone my age has baggage and the key difference is how people have managed their baggage.  The only thing scarier than a man with a past is a man with no past. I don’t want to tick the box as never married and be deceptive and I don’t think it is appropriate to go into divorce details on a dating profile, but it sure would be nice if the women who weren’t emailing me back because I ticked the divorce box knew the reasons behind it without sounding like a vindictive crazy man.  If I would have had a church wedding, I’d have grounds for an annulment and would have never been married in the eyes of a church and could claim never married with an asterisk. What’s a guy to do to improve his odds without being a big fat liar liar pants on fire?

 

Here’s my question:

Do you want to date or do you want to bitch? Because it sounds like you just want to bitch. I’m not sure you should be dating at all at this juncture because you’re clearly not any where near past what your ex-wife did. This wasn’t really a letter seeking advice. You just wanted to vent. Which, I’ll tell you now, is unattractive. It’s unattractive in women and it’s unattractive in men. I understand that what she did was selfish, thoughtless and hurtful. I do and I’m sorry. But this woman didn’t become a shrew overnight. Nor did she hide it, as so many people like to say happens when they wake up one day and realize they dated an asshole. These people aren’t the cunning and calculated sociopaths we like to tell people they are. We refer to them as such because that’s a much easier pill to swallow than admit we were just blind or needy or lonely or desperate. And because it removes all responsibility from us for why we chose them.  She always was who she was. You just chose to ignore it.

Sweetheart, you’re wife picked you for a reason. Yep. She carried on affairs and manipulated you behind your back. Do you know why? Because she knew you’d either never catch on or you’d ignore it and let her do what she wanted because you feared losing her.

I was married 5 years and my wife ended up buying a plane ticket to see another man and asked me for an open marriage. 

Do you understand that by doing this she was telling you she couldn’t have cared less how you felt? No matter what you said, she was going to do what she wanted to do. I guess what I’m wondering is how you fell for this girl in the first place.  You need to figure out why you married this woman or else you’re doomed to repeat this mistake.

As for the rest of your letter, TL/DR. I mean, I read it. You’re so stuck in victim mode that it was struggle to get through it. I’m guessing that this is just who you are: a professional victim. You’re whining about stigmas and your selfish ex-wife and society. People who adopt a victim mentality tend to get victimized. That’s how it works.

What’s a guy to do to improve his odds without being a big fat liar liar pants on fire?

Well, the first thing they do is to swear never to say “liar liar pants on fire” again.  This isn’t about online dating and being divorced with an asterisk. What can you do? You can stop feeling sorry for yourself, take responsibility for choosing poorly, find out why you were attracted to your ex-wife and fix the problem. There you go. Boom goes the dynamite.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Beware, Break Ups, Cheating, Closure, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating After Divorce, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Myths Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Single, Separated, Divorced: How Honest Should You Be?

January 29, 2013 by 30 Comments

This Frisky article might spark some interesting discussion. Once again, I left a comment and it’s being moderated. I’m starting to think it’s personal. :) From the article:

Finding out that “single” signifier on his online dating profile actually should have read “divorced” has happened to me a grand total of FIVE times. I shit you not! Yes, all the guys listed themselves as “single” online, but mentioned their divorces at some point on the first date during the whole “this is my whole resume and life recap” bit. One guy referred to an ex as his “ex-girlfriend” first before letting it slip that they had been married. 

Personally, I don’t care how they present it initially. As long as they are available and not breaking laws or vows/commitments, I don’t care. I totally get why some people (because women do this too) are hesitant to reveal that they are divorced. This Frisky article, to me, has an underlying tone of judgment. Divorced = baggage/bad. Men and Women both know that people will make assumptions about them if they reveal that they are divorced.

“Oh God. Crazy Ex-Wife/Husband alert!”

“He doesn’t have any money because he got screwed in a divorce!”

“Oh, she lives off alimony. Gold digger!”

That’s why some people aren’t upfront about it. As I’ve said before, people who expect total honesty and full disclosure this soon reveal their own inexperience and issues.

I agree that Single, Separated but Single and Divorced are three totally different things. Divorced and Single, to me, are the same thing. I’d want to know sooner than later, but I wouldn’t automatically assume he was being shady if he told me later.  I’d wonder why he felt uncomfortable revealing this info. That would be my first question to him.

I do agree that someone should be upfront in their profile about just being separated. I’d prefer to know that before I decided to meet them. I still might meet them, though. These situations are rarely cut and dry. Someone could be legally separated but no immediate plans to get divorced for financial reasons. Is that an ideal situation? No. But if the guy comes clean and explains it in a way that doesn’t set off any buzzers, I’d be willing to give it a go.

And an honorable mention goes to O’Ex-Boyfriend who dated me exclusively for two whole months before he let it drop that he wasn’t actually legally divorced yet, only separated. Oh, did you just happen to forget to mention it?!?

If a man you’re dating “exclusively” reveals that he actually lied or intentionally mislead you about his marriage/separation status, guess what that means? It means he was never committed to you and that “exclusivity’ was just a weak promise to sleep with only you “for now” or because you pressured him into committing. It’s not the lie itself that bothers us. It’s the implications/motivations behind the lies and revelations that freak us out.

I once went out with a guy from OK Cupid. On his profile he states that he is single. He didn’t fill out the offspring option and left it blank. He also didn’t reveal in what field he worked.  He encouraged women to read his questions. He answered the question about whether or not he wanted to have kids by checking off No. He qualified that by saying that more kids were not in the cards for him.

But here’s the funny part. He was divorced (which he offered in an email conversation) and has 2 kids and works in a field that didn’t appear relevant or connected to things he admitted in his profile. Yet, despite being secretive and almost intentionally misleading about these points, he discloses in his profile that he wants to meet women who don’t mind that he’s already dating other women. Interesting thing to choose to reveal, no? He’ll be honest about that, yet not forthcoming about things as simple as what he does for a living.  I showed my friend his profile before I met him. He laughed out loud at the line about already dating other women.

“That’s like if I sat here talking to you and, out of nowhere, just poked you in the eye. It’s rude and unnecessary.”

“Maybe he just doesn’t want to date women looking for anything serious or exclusive? That’s why I responded to him.”

This particular friend is my Yoda, Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society and Hannibal Lechter all rolled into one. I half-expected him to look over his glasses at me and say, “Noooo…that’s incidental.”

“No. It’s just rude. It’s meant to be shocking.. Ask yourself why someone would do that.”

I went into that particular date far more alert after that conversation.

Back to the article. The piece also suggested that people should reveal their STD status in their profile.

Ami and I disagree on this one. She doesn’t think that going on a date with someone means there’s a presumption that sex will take place and that people should disclose once it’s clear sex is going to occur. Meanwhile, I say that you should at the very least obliquely indicate your STD status in some way prior to meeting a person for two reasons. One, so other people wirh similar STDs who may want to date someone who knows what they’re dealing with can find you, and two, so someone for whom an STD is a dealbreaker knows whether to to invest the time.

This just in: most first dates go absolutely nowhere. Why should someone make themselves that vulnerable that soon? It’s like the author of this piece doesn’t even take into account how being public about something like that could compromise other aspects of his life.I also find it really…inconsistent…that someone like this particular author who is constantly talking about sex-positivity would write something that makes it clear that she considers an STD a deal breaker.

It’s not up to a virtual stranger to help you manage your expectations and personal biases. Dating involves investing time and money and accepting that there may be very little return on each investment. If you consider investing time in ONE DATE to be a challenge, then it’s really no secret why you struggle to find someone to date regularly.

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Awkward, Dating & STDs, Dating After Divorce, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do You Enjoy Being A Dating Victim?

January 17, 2013 by 10 Comments

Name: E.B.
Age: 28
State: WA
Question: Here is my situation..  I was in a 9 year relationship and got divorced in the summer of 2011.  We were together from the time I was 17 until I was 26. He put me down a lot and we did not enjoy spending time together and wanted different things, he decided he did not want children, and so I decided it was time to move on. When I made that decision my mother decided that it was all my fault, I am a horrible person and my parents have not spoken to me in a year and a half.  In the fall of 2011 I met a person I simply refer to as POS. the first 2 months were fine but then I started to find out things he had lied about. To make a long story short after about 4 months it all ended in a very dramatic week in which I was held hostage in my own home, threatened daily until he was arrested, my house searched, my car seized by the police as he had apparently been taking it on drugs runs and robberies.  I found out he was lying about pretty much everything… His name, his past, his job, where he was what he was doing… Was there red flags? Hell yes. Was I am idiot and ignored them because I was depressed and wanted desperately to feel someone loved me? Hell yes.

I now suffer from PTSD and severe anxiety which has made dating difficult to say the least. I have moved across the country to try and get a fresh start.  I am fine in a casual dating setting but in the 2 relationships I have attempted to take to a more serious level have ended in disaster. As soon as I begin to develop feelings I also begin with the panic attacks and anxiety. I become extremely needy, clingy, jealous and basically turn into a lunatic. I am aware of it. Aware I am driving them away. But it’s like I can’t control it by that point. I totally lose my confidence and happiness and become consumed with what this person is doing and thinking. I am convinced everything is a lie and they are using me.

I have begun counseling to deal with my issues but I love this website and the no nonsense approach so I wanted to see if there was another interpretation of my behavior and the way I now view relationships and if anyone has been in a similar situation what helped to get through it. I am planning on taking some time off of dating because I do not want to treat another person the way I treated the last person.  Thanks for any feedback and advice!!

 

Well, I’m no therapist but you sound like you can’t be alone and are probably a bit co-dependent. You were divorced in the summer of 2011 and by fall of 2011 you’re already in a new relationship. Of course you ignored the red flags. You wanted the relationship to work because you didn’t want to be on your own.

It’s not enough to go, “Yup, I ignored the red flags.”  The more pressing issue is why you ignored them. You knew the guy was a dirt bag but stayed with him anyway. That’s the real problem, not that you somehow got bamboozled by his lies, as you didn’t. That’s bullshit.

As I’ve said before, stable people don’t find themselves being held hostage in their own home by their drug dealer boyfriend. It doesn’t happen that way.  Just like women with their shit together or an accurate perception of themselves don’t wind up dating some married man or con artist. Women who find themselves involved with men like this put themselves in those situations in one way or another. Either they place importance on qualities common in these smarmy and shady types or they enjoy the drama and self-victimization.  Those results are merely outliers to the deeper issues. That’s just how the issues manifest. That situation, while obviously scarring in some way,  isn’t why you get needy and clingy and anxious and drive men away. That behavior has been there all along and is part and parcel in why you get in the unhealthy relationships you get into.

Dating detoxes are swell and all, but they really serve no purpose other than to make you feel like you’re proactively trying to solve the problem. It’s a great thing to say, of course. It sounds like you’re making a healthy and rational decision. People say a lot of things to convince themselves and others that they’re trying to do the right thing. None of that matters. What matters is results. The true test is to take what you learn through therapy and apply it. That’s where the rubber hits the road.

I don’t really buy that you want to hear other people’s experiences. I think you’re more interested in commiserating. That’s typically why people take to the internet and crowd source their problems. They don’t really want answers. They want sympathy and attention. They want validation for how they handles things so they can feel a little less bad about themselves and their behavior. Harsh, I know.

But it’s true.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Advice, Dating After Divorce, Dating The Crazy, Dysfunction Junction Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Stop Fearing You’ll End Up Alone

December 16, 2012 by 12 Comments

Name: Cara
Age: 50
State: New York
Question: Moxie, I wrote in before with a question regarding my older (8yrs) white boyfriend who was not introducing me to his family/friends.   You and your readers suggested that I leave him because this relationship wasn’t going anywhere.

I hung in for another 6 months because I wanted to believe that he would finally do it.  In that 6 months time, he did not but on top of that I caught him cheating.  I broke up with him and haven’t spoke with him since.

Since Hurricane Sandy he reached out to me and we have been cordial…now he says he is ready to truly committ to me, wants me to meet his family next week (they will be in town for the holidays) and wants to go ring shopping now.  He says he has realized how empty his life has been without me and wants me in his life.  He wants us to be married within the year (sooner if I agree to move in with him).

I am 50 years old and to be honest the prospects out there of men in who want to settle down are almost nil.  It’s been almost 2 years and although I’ve been dating in that time, most men I’ve met just want something casual where I want to settle down.

Am I in love with him….NO, and I’ve told him so.  But I do care about him still.  He says he will do ANYTHING/EVERYTHING to get me back and show me he is the man I fell in love with 4 years ago (that’s how long we dated).  But at this time, I don’t trust him and I don’t know if the love and trust I felt can come back.

Marrying him will afford me a nice lifestyle (big house, fancy cars, vacations, etc), but I want to marry for love and companionship not just financial security.  I’m just confused about my feelings, my life, my choices, etc.  I don’t want to be writing to you in 5 years regretting not giving him a chance.

Is it really once a cheater always a cheater?  Can people really change?  Please help!

Thanks!

 

So, it took him to almost 60 to realize how empty his life was without a partner? Meh. Not buying it. This feels like a case of The Holiday Blues combined with him coming face to face with the reality that he ain’t getting any younger. For me, that’s not a good enough reason to strap yourself in for the rest of your life.

Take a look around. You have settled down. You’re in your fifties, you’ve obviously got a life and a job and a sense of stability. You don’t need a man to settle down. You can take a partner so that you have someone with you on the journey, but the settling down part is on you. And you’ve done it. You’ve gotten this far without a manz.

Date this guy. Enjoy his company. But don’t commit to him because you fear you have no other options left. Even if that’s true, that’s still never a reason to make a life-long commitment to someone.

Will he cheat again? I don’t know. I’ve said before that I don’t feel that the cheating is the real issue and that it’s just an outlier. The real issue is that, by stepping out with someone else, he clearly doesn’t value the commitment he made to you. That’s just another sign of someone’s poor judgment and willingness to make an empty promise. People with these characteristics don’t tend to make the greatest of partners. I don’t believe those people will change at their core. They might not cheat but they’re still the same people. Especially this guy who is knocking on 60 years old. The thinking that drove him to cheat likely won’t change.

Choosing whether or not to be with someone shouldn’t involve this much internal conflict.

 

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Filed Under: Cheating, Commitment, Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating After Divorce, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is He Keeping Their Relationship a Secret?

December 14, 2012 by 5 Comments

Name: JMS58
Age: 54
State: MA
Question: I have been dating a gentleman for 4 months. He lives about 40 miles away from me. He is 65 yrs old and I am 54 years old and I live with my parents since my divorce. I have been married and divorced once after a 23 year marriage. He has been married and divorced 3 times. When we first started dating we met up 4 times in a neutral location. This was his decision to do this. Whenever we see each other after the 4th time I always drive to his place and stay over. I have mentioned to him 3 or 4 times that I would like it if he would drive up to where I live so we could do something up here and that I would also like for him to meet my parents and friends. Then I would get my car and follow him down to his place. He hemmed and hawed and said maybe the first couple of times. The last time he said why do that? I cant sleep with you at your parents house? This has irked me for a while now. Last night he brought up the subject briefly about going to my friends restaurant that I frequent and meet some of my friends. This remains to be seen. He does treat me very nicely…has done very thoughtful things for me, and we have a great time together. He also calls me to make arrangements for the following weekend on on Wed or Thurs…but the calls are brief. Slowly he is introducing me to his neighbors whom he’s close to. And every now and then he tells me that he doesn’t want to see me this weekend because he needs space. My question here is should these different things that I see as a problem be bothering me at this point? Or should I let them go because its too early in the relationship? Am I thinking too much?

 

I think, by the 4th month mark, if you and he were on the same page then it wouldn’t be so difficult to get him to show more interest in your life outside of him. It seems he is literally and figuratively only willing to go so far for you. So you need to decide whether or not you can accept this or not. I don’t think you’re over-thinking it. I do think that the writing is on the wall and you need to either accept how things are or move on.

The guy has been divorced 3 times. Clearly, he’s not very good at relationships and possibly possesses pretty poor judgment. It’s likely that he’s done with serious and committed relationships. He might not be making much effort to meet your friends and family because he’s not interested in being a part of your life in that capacity. Not yet, at least.  He’s 65 and divorced multiple times. I think saying he’s cautious about getting too serious is an understatement.

Something else to consider is that, with three divorces under his belt, he could also be a tad embarrassed. There’s only so many times you can get away with failing publicly before you learn to lock it all up and keep things on the DL just in case. There’s really only one reason why someone not already in a committed relationship might keep a relationship a semi-secret: fear of judgment. I dated a guy a little while back. During one of my Facebook stalking cruising sessions, I learned that he was engaged. I ended up writing a snarky (but vague with no specifics) tweet about it because, well, he’s an idiot and likes to creep my tweets so I’m happy to comply with interesting content. Within 48 hours I had a scathing email in my inbox telling me I had crossed a line, blah blah. The morally challenged guy had already had a string of successive failed relationships, one right on top of the other with little room between, the last of which was just a couple months before he started dating his fiancee. Seeing as though he had been caught trailing me around the web, I didn’t understand why he was pissed off. Then it struck me that maybe he was afraid this, like all his other relationships, would fail too.  I’m just spit balling here, of course.What do I know?

In any case, especially as someone who at one time publicly documented her every dating failure oblivious to how bad it made me look, it’s not a bad thing to be cautious about such things. I’d love to post Facebook photos that I take on dates. But I don’t, because I don’t want to have to explain why I suddenly stopped posting pics.  When something fails, having to relive it publicly only makes the recovery that much more difficult. I was reading an article yesterday that detailed a woman’s bad date. The whole scenario was identical to several others she has discussed. One or two admissions to failure aren’t so troubling. But if they’re constant, it’s not unreasonable to assume that casual observers might infer that deeper issues are at work that have nothing to do with the other party and everything to do with you.

My point, J, is that this guy just might be hyper-cautious about “going public” so to speak. I think you need to ask him what his true reservations are. It could be that he’s just trying to avoid the harsh judgment and speculation that many of us fear. Or he just doesn’t wish to engage in anything too serious and committed. The only way you’re going to know is if you ask him what’s up.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Trust, Dating After Divorce, Dating Over 40 Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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