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Depression, Daddy Issues & Meds – When Do You Reveal Your Baggage?

April 15, 2013 by 23 Comments

Name: Sophia
Comment: I’d like your advice on looking for relationship when you have baggage – as in emotional/mental baggage.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens. These days, I have those issues under control though I may have days when I feel overwhelmed and get headaches. I’m on medication in low dosage, and see a therapist twice a month.

This does not mean I am some crazy psycho. I spend each day trying to understand myself more so I could combat my issues. I take care of myself by eating healthy and exercising. I even meditate sometimes to sort things out. I may have issues, but they do not control me. I may have bad days, but not on a regular basis.

It seems a lot of guys refuse to date any woman who is on psychiatric meds or in therapy. I was always aware that my problems will turn guys off, but it seems so few are willing to give such a woman a chance. I used to delay revealing my issues until after several dates, but now I feel I need to mention it early on. Before, I used to think it was too personal to tell a guy about my meds and all, but now I don’t want to waste my time with someone who’ll turn out to be judgmental.

Part of my problem is that I have daddy-issues. My father and I have always had a difficult relationship, and I can be kind of guarded, and then needy once I relax. This doesn’t mean that I hate men or I’m an emotional wreck. I think I simply require a certain type of guy. A lot of guys ask what kind of relationship I have with my dad, which makes since because it says a lot about you. I usually answer that we have our days when things are not easy. I don’t want to be that woman with daddy issues, even if I do, but I don’t know how to properly answer that question.

I would just like advice on how to navigate the dating scene when there are aspects of me that make guys run in the opposite direction. I would like to have a relationship with a stable, decent guy but I’m aware that kind of a guy would be hard for me to get.
Age: 31
City: New York
State: New York

 

It seems a lot of guys refuse to date any woman who is on psychiatric meds or in therapy.

I disagree with this. I think, especially in NYC, taking meds and going to therapy is actually very common. I can’t imagine anybody here in Manhattan being so thrown by this information. What I can envision is a person being a bit concerned that a near-stranger has decided to unload all their problems on them on their first couple of dates.

A lot of guys ask what kind of relationship I have with my dad,

This, too, feels off to me. Really? Guys quiz you on your relationship with your Dad? Is that how the conversation goes? Or do you maybe bring up your Dad, possibly give off the impression that it’s a contentious relationship and the guys pick up on your cues and ask questions to be polite?

If you have your depression under control, then what’s the big deal? I’m sorry to be dismissive but depression and anxiety aren’t all that rare or scandalous. To me, it sounds like you actually want to be treated with kids glove about all this. There’s really no reason for you to tell someone you’ve just begun dating that you have to take medication. If your issues with depression or anxiety actually compromised your relationships or made them difficult, then I could see opening about and revealing this information. But if you’re taking care of yourself and following a doctor’s advice, then I don’t see why you would feel compelled to share this.

I’m thinking that your challenge isn’t the fact that you suffer from anxiety and depression. I’m going to guess the problem is in the way you present this information. If you use it as an excuse to explain why you get needy them yeah, a guy is probably going to bail. Not because you’re on meds but because you’re needy. You’re trying to find a connection between your mental health and why men appear to abandon relationships with you, but I’m not sure there is one. It could be as simple as you get unnecessarily insecure and cloying. Is that related to your anxiety? Possibility. But not definitely. And that is certainly treatable. It’s quite possible you’re just really needy for  constant validation and confirmation of a man’s interest. You can be sure that will send most guys running.

What I hear in your letter is, “I’m really complex. How do I get men to understand all the intricacies involved with me?” The problem with that is that you’re really not all that unique. You seem to be defining yourself by these extremely common mental health issues. You speak like you’re not stable when you are. You’re applying the stigma to you. Not them.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Drama Queens, Dysfunction Junction, First Impressions, Meeting Men, Meeting Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Long Do You Wait For Them To Commit?

March 25, 2013 by 21 Comments

Name: Tracey
Age: 45
City: Baltimore
State: MD
Comment: Hi Moxie,

As usual a quick google has turned up contradictory advice on my question, so I would appreciate your always well-conceived thoughts on this.  From the bits I have read, my natural inclinations aren’t always the best course of action.

My question:  how does one balance determining if a man has genuine interest vs a man wanting to take things slowly?  Some advice says not to put men on the spot about their feelings, they need to come to it organically and “process.”  Okay, fair enough, but how much time is reasonable to give it?  On one hand, I am not in a hurry and naturally want a relationship to be right for both parties, but on the other hand, don’t want to be dragged along and left feeling like an option (or in the “grey zone” as some site called it).  How much do individual circumstances (excuses?) play in to the equation on what’s reasonable?  For example .. relatively recent break-up, job stress ..

I could be setting dates with other gents as I do get asked out often (on okc).  But as a parent with a full-time career, don’t have the time, and frankly don’t have the inclination as I would prefer to be developing things with Guy#1 so it feels disingenuous to these other possible dates.  Be happy to share any other details you think would be vital to a response.

Thanks, T.

If, after a handful of dates, someone isn’t making an effort to see you more than once a week then they’re either too busy for a full-on relationship or not looking for anything too serious.

Since you’re crowd sourcing this predicament and scouring the internet looking for an answer, then my inclination is to tell you to just ask Guy #1 where he sees things heading. If he’s interested, he’ll stick around. If he’s not, he won’t.

If you have people showing interest and you think you and they might hit it off, go out with them. I just don’t understand this need to put your whole life on hold while you wait for someone else to decide the direction of the relationship. If you want a certain kind of commitment, you need to ask for it. That seems a lot more productive than spinning your wheels and wondering.

If someone constantly has a reason for not being able to see you on a regular basis, you have your answer. When someone wants you, they’ll do what they can to make sure nobody else gets you. It’s very simple.

I apologize for being short with this response, but the whole idea of worrying about whether or not a guy wants to commit or not and wondering where I stand with him just exhausts me. I intentionally detach myself from guys who travel a lot, work inordinate hours, or otherwise make it abundantly clear that they aren’t physically available. The minute a man shows signs of having limited amounts of time or emotional bandwidth, I simply shut off the switch in my head and look elsewhere. I might still date them and enjoy the time we do spend together. But I also acknowledge that they can only give so much and therefore should not be made any kind of priority. I expect nothing from them. Sometimes they surprise me, sometimes they don’t. Oh well.

I guess it comes down to how comfortable you are being alone or not being attached to someone.If you can get to a place where you accept the possibility that singledom might be your destiny, it’s amazing how much easier and less stressful dating becomes.

OP, you’re 45 years old. You have a child. You have a career. You have what it takes to get by and be secure. If this guy comes around, then Godspeed. Enjoy it. Love like nobody’s watching. But if he doesn’t, it’s okay. You’re fine. You still have options. Women our age have to stop buying into the idea that a happy ending looks one specific way. It doesn’t. Write your own Second Act. Maybe it has a dashing leading man. Maybe it has a few. Maybe it has none. Just remember that they’re just the supporting players. You’re the lead.

 

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Commitment, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Communicating Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Is It Possible To Out-Grow a Partner?

February 27, 2013 by 8 Comments

Name: Lisa
Age: 24
State: New York
Question: So, I love my boyfriend, but we’re from two completely different backgrounds. I’m biracial and from a single-mother family and I know how to hustle. He’s from a nuclear, anglo-saxon family and is pursuing his passion of being a freelance/business-owner of his recording engineer studio.

I wouldn’t dare break up with him A) not because I fear being alone or B) because I’m annoyed/over it/out of love, but I’m having a hard time communicating my need to propel things forward. I don’t even believe in marriage, but in terms of moving in together, etc. He always seems like my urgency to talk about it is unwarranted and I don’t want to rush into anything at all, but if we’ve been together for 3 years (I’m 24 and he’s going to be 26 in June), when is it obvious that two people can’t communicate/work together/don’t have the same views and goals in life?

 

I think some people need to mark the progress of a relationship via gestures and milestones. Moving in together is a tangible thing you can point to so you can tell yourself that things are headed in a certain direction. I’m old school about living together. For me, living together means we plan on being together for a very, very long time. Maybe even permanently. Do you see that kind of future with this guy you’re dating? If not, then why be in such a rush?

You sound like you want the grand gesture just so you can prove to yourself (and probably some of your friends and family) that the relationship is going places and he’s not taking you for granted. At the same time you appear to be conflicted about you actually feel about him and the relationship.

I know a guy who, at 31, has already lived with 3 or 4 different women. (FYI? He cheated on his last two girlfriends a mere month or two after moving in with them.) For as long as I have known him he has always hopped from relationship to relationship, barely having a month or two of actually being single. He moves in with them at pretty much the same point in the relationship: around the 8 month mark. A couple of years ago he broke up with his GF of about 3 years, that he lived with for 2, and started dating someone 3 months later . She was almost 10 years younger than him and mere weeks out of her teens. A year later they were engaged. Now, everything about this situation seems like one collective red flag to me. That’s only because I know certain details. To the outside world, I bet people look at that and think it’s romantic and wonderful and wish those two kids all the luck in the world. Me? I see a guy who can’t be alone and who has a pretty flexible definition of commitment who was in a rush to lock something down before the girl matured and learned to know better.

If he is unwilling to have these conversations with you, then you either need to change your approach or accept that he does not feel the same urgency you do. Now, does that mean he doesn’t love you? Not necessarily. Not everybody feels the need to make it official, so to speak. It sounds to me like you do. My first suggestion is to really be honest with yourself about what you want and why. Do you need to prove something to yourself? Do you actually see long-term potential in this relationship? Despite what you say, do you fear being alone?

Signs of incompatibility having to do with goals and values and communication styles usually crop up pretty early on in a relationship. If this is the first time you’re actually noticing the potential incompatibility then it sounds like you and he have out grown each other.  In that scenario I mentioned above, I honestly believe the reason why he proposed to that girl when she was barely 21 was because he feared she’d eventually out-grow him. You started dating this guy when you were 21 or so. Now you’re approaching your mid-twenties.  What worked at 21 maybe doesn’t work at 24. What is it that you really want out of this relationship? More importantly…what do you want out of life? Does a relationship fit into that picture? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.

Sometimes it’s as simple as you and your partner are no longer compatible. Isn’t it better to determine this before you live together than after? Maybe you were on the same page once. Time has a way of changing things and changing people.

 

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Do Men Always Say Exactly What They Mean?

February 26, 2013 by 21 Comments

Name: Dana
Age: 27
State: Michigan
Question: I’ve been seeing someone for over a year now, nearly two. We got into an argument the other night, and something stands out to me that I don’t know really – and this sounds stupid – how to understand it. “You’re more invested than I am, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I don’t want to break up.” I’m getting all kinds of warning bells that are telling me to hang on, because this doesn’t sound good. Help?

 

I don’t think it’s atypical for one person to be more invested than their partner at any given point in a relationship. The issue for me is that he verbalized this thought to you. To me it seems like he’s trying to tell you something.

There’s a big difference between “I’m really happy and can’t think of what life would be like without you” and “I don’t want to break up.” The former is an expression of genuine commitment and emotional investment. The later, to me, is a lazy way of saying you could take the relationship or leave it.

Wherever this guy stands, he’s telling you that your level of investment is a cause for concern for him.That’s all I get from this. Like I said, you didn’t share much about this other than the statement itself. Without the whole conversation I can’t really tell what this guy’s motivations are.

For the most part I think men say exactly what they mean. When they utter something that leaves us trying to decode or decipher it, that usually indicates that they’re trying to broach a topic that makes them uncomfortable. They’re trying to say something without actually saying it. Whatever the subject is, it’s one that they fear will create unnecessary drama and conflict for them. They dance around what they actually mean hoping the woman will figure it out and solve the problem on her own. It’s a bad combination of diplomacy and cowardice. In general, if you find yourself trying to figure out the hidden meaning of a statement, that means that you know on some level there’s a message in the sub-text.

I would suggest asking him to expand on what he meant when he said that you were more invested than he was. That’s the only way you’re going to know what he really meant.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Men & Communication Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Can Someone Be The One After One Date?

February 11, 2013 by 26 Comments

Name: Denny Laine
Age: 44
State: New York City
Question: I have a minor question regarding our favorite holiday: Valentine’s Day. I had a great first date last week with someone I met online. She could possibly be “the one” for me. We hit it off on the phone, hit it off in person, and since then we’ve been constantly texting and e-mailing. We made plans to see each other again on Wednesday. I had suggested hanging out Thursday not realizing it was Valentine’s Day. She said Wednesday would be better for her so we agreed. I realize that flowers and love letters and being Valentine’s might be too soon after just one date. But at the same time I want to somehow acknowledge it, that VD is the next day because there’s a good chance we can become a long term couple. I have some ideas. Or should I just let it pass and wait for next year? Any thoughts from anyone?

 

Ok. You need to slow down, Captain. First, let’s revisit your history a little, shall we?

This question was submitted by you:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2011/10/26/is-he-too-nice-thats-why-he-cant-get-a-2nd-date/

And this one:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2013/01/12/how-to-tell-if-theyre-a-dating-liability/

And this one:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2011/09/28/guest-post-cock-blocked/

And here is a recent comment from you from last month.

Denny, you have only had one date with this woman. It seems like you get ridiculously invested with every woman with whom you have a decent first date. If you asked this woman to get together on Thursday aka Valentine’s Day and she said Wednesday works better, she’s telling you she feels it would be weird for you two to have your second date on Valentine’s Day. Which, sorry to say, is not  a good sign. She’s turning down the opportunity to tell people she has a date on Valentine’s Day. Many women live for that shit. So you have to ask yourself why she doesn’t want to get together on Thursday.She either is not on the same page as you or has another date. Neither of which bode well for you. These are the things you need to learn to deduce so that you can gauge where you stand and appropriate expectations.

It’s hard to navigate a situation like this. You don’t want to come off too detached or disinterested, but you also don’t want to give the impression that you might skin a woman and wear her as a suit. Right now, you’re tip toeing in skin her and wear her as a suit territory. You’re already considering V-Day 2014. Sorry, but that’s a little scary.

If she wanted you to acknowledge the upcoming holiday, she’d have accepted the V-Day date. I’m sorry to say this so bluntly (no I’m not) but I’m guessing she’s not as into you as you think. If you push the V-Day idea, this woman will back off. I’m going to speculate that you’re coming on too strong and it’s making her uncomfortable. I’m also going to throw out there that you do this a lot, which is why you have such trouble keeping a woman around. I have told you before that I feel you come off weak and needy. Those are two things that will automatically get you friend zoned and blown off. You need to learn how not to get so attached and invested so quickly. It’s not healthy.

You’ve been out with this person ONCE. You have NO IDEA if there is any substantive long term potential. I think you’re so used to being blown off early that you haven’t had enough experience with the early dating process. What you need to do is detach a bit. Go back online and find someone else and start engaging them. Do anything you can to distract you from thinking about this woman if only to temper what has to be perceived by women as too interested. Do not acknowledge Valentine’s Day in any way other than maybe in passing via a text conversation that day. But don’t start that conversation off with “Happy V-Day!” You’ll send her a text the morning after your date and say, “Hey, had fun last night. How about we meet up on Xday for whatever.” She will either reply and say yes or no. If she says yes, then make plans. Then and only them, as you’re signing off, wish her a Happy Valentine’s Day.  You can’t make a big deal of this. You just can’t. If she acts all schmoopy woopy with you on that second date, then maybe you can send her a cute e-card the next day. But that’s it. You should not be spending any money on this or making it into a production.

Denny, the pattern here with you is clear. You get too invested and likely give off a really off putting vibe. You have to become more self-aware and pay more attention to what I can only assume a glaring red flags of moderate interest from these women. You’re pinning all your hopes on every single woman who shows interest. I realize how great it feels to feel like someone is out there thinking about you or that you some how matter to someone. That can be intoxicating, especially if you go a long time without it. But you have to understand that things that are said and done in those early stages are either disingenuous or done without any real thought. People can get caught up, or they like the attention or they’re just otherwise insensitive and thoughtless.

It all means nothing until it means something. Please try to remember that.

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating 2.0, Dating Advice, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Realities, Dating Skills Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

At Some Point We’re All Undateable To Someone

February 8, 2013 by 22 Comments

Name: lovelost
Age: 29
State:
Question: I’ve had genital herpes (HSV-2) for two years. I’ve tried online hsv dating with no luck but I have dated 3 guys that I knew from the real world. All three of these guys openly pursued me, not the other way around. I told all three as soon as it was clear that we were thinking of getting intimate and all three were willing to give the relationship a try anyways, but I chickened out.

The problem is that I’m terrified of giving it to someone and then later feeling like they aren’t the one and wanting to break up with them. I just wasn’t sure enough that I really liked them, so it didn’t go anywhere.

When I do meet someone I really like I feel like it would be unfair to flirt with them or ask them out. It feels more misleading and dishonest then if the guy was trying to pursue me.

Is this a reasonable fear or should I try and get over it and get my flirt on?
How do you go about dating in the general fish pool?

 

I admire your desire to be responsible. I do. But if these men say that they don’t care about your HSV status, then let them take on the responsibility. It’s not up to you. As long as your upfront about your status and take all prescribed meds and practice safe sex, you’ve done your part.

You also need to stop walking around like you have a Scarlet H sewn to your blouse. You have genital herpes, not the Bubonic Plague. You are not in some teeny tiny minority. Will it make things a tad bit more difficult for you? Yes. But guess what? Pretty much everybody has their own Scarlet H. This person is unemployed, this person is a little overweight, this person writes a dating column. Most of us have something that makes it impossible for us to date whomever we want. You are not alone in that.

Will their people who reject you? Yeah. But you know what? You’ll end up screening out a lot of the people just looking for sex. A friend and I were having this conversation last night about what our lines where in regards to STDs. If I met someone that I truly cared about and liked, and he told me he had genital warts, I would at the very least listen to him and do my research. If he’s knowledgeable and can answer my questions, then I’d date him. Would I casually hook up with someone with genital herpes? No. Just being honest. I’ve managed to go my whole life without an STD, and I’m not going to take on that risk just for sex. That’s reckless.

You’re going to hear a lot of fear-mongering from people who will try to label you as “bad.” But again, guess what? Divorced people get labeled as “bad.” People with bad credit get labeled as “bad.” There are always going to be people out there who live in their little bubbles and follow all the rules and cast aspersions on everybody else. Meanwhile, they’re either alone or in miserable relationships. “I would never lie about my age in my dating profile. That’s just wrong!” Translation: I have little success at dating, but at least I’m doing it the right away unlike all those other people.” Congrats. Have fun on that Island of Self-Righteousness.

You need to stop feeling so guilty. That’s the first thing you need to do. That and get rid of this shame you carry around with you.Okay. You got a bum rap and contracted an STD. You didn’t beat a family to death with a sack of puppies. You are not obligated to reveal your status to people just so they don’t waste their time. Like I said the other day, if someone considers a handful of dates to be a waste of their time or gets super invested after a couple of conversations and dates, they have bigger issues to contend with.

 **Edited to change “with an STD” to “without.” I do not have an STD.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating & STDs, Dating is Fun, Dating Myths, Dating Realities, Dating Skills Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Date When You Don’t Have a Job?

January 27, 2013 by 13 Comments

Name: Greg
Age: 29
State: NY
Question: I have what is sometimes referred to as an ‘invisible illness’, a disability that is not obvious at a glance, and I receive government benefits due to my inability to work. People will generally have no idea I have a health issue unless I tell them, so my question is, how do I deal with this in terms of dating?

Often times the question of work will come up, and I’m never sure how to reply. Should I be up front when the issue comes up? Should I wait to get to know the person for a bit, and if so how long? If I were to make an online dating profile, should I disclose this right on the page? I don’t want to be dishonest, but I also don’t want to give the wrong impression or seem as if I’m just blurting out personal information willy-nilly.

Any advice on how to handle this?

MOXIE’S EDIT: He has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_fatigue_syndrome

If you’re unemployed for whatever reason, you should probably mention that in your profile. That is one of those topics that you really can’t fudge. If you don’t mention it you’ll look deceptive in some way. Then, when you do reveal it, your date will assign some nefarious and shady reasoning for why you didn’t tell her. She’ll make far worse assumptions about you other than you don’t have  a job.

I’m toying with the suggestion that maybe you should say that you’re financially self-sufficient but not check off anything as a specific career type. Only when you engage in an email exchange should you expand on this. Your situation has to be revealed before too much time and energy is invested.

It’s not that a woman cares what exactly a man does to make a living. Some women do. The ones who will only date a man in a certain field should be avoided anyway. So at least you’ll weed them out. What most decent women care about is that you support yourself and could possibly support them should things progress. Yes, that’s how far women think into the future when reviewing a profile. She’s calculating in her head how you and she will be able to buy a home together and afford to have her leave her job to stay home and raise your children. It’s crazy, but it’s how some of us do.

The reality is that if you are not in a position to support a family, even just you and her, then that means you have to go for women who either don’t want children/marriage, are divorced and not looking to marry again or don’t mind being the breadwinner. Yes, that is going to limit your options. Better that than going on a ton of dates that go nowhere and getting frustrated. You’re probably going to have to widen your age range, too.   I’m not going to tell you to wish upon a star and hope someone will love you for who you are because that’s a crock. If you don’t bring to the table an impressive level of financial security, you’re going to be ignored by a hefty portion of the female population. It sucks, but it is what it is. You are not going to Norma Rae your way out of this by trying to change the system.

Revealing an illness, even an invisible one, is going to make you appear weak and flawed. I tend to think women are more turned off by that than men. Women expect men to be “strong” in various areas, including health and physical ability. You can maybe say that a health situation has sidelined your career and that you’re thankful that you’ve still been able to maintain a secure and stable life. You have to make this sound as positive as possible.

It’s important to paint the right picture of your life and lifestyle. Ok, so you don’t go to an office or work full time. What do you do, if anything? Do you volunteer? Do you work part-time? Do you have hobbies? What does a day in your life look like? That’s what you have to share in your profile. You do not want to make yourself appear like you’re a shut in or live in a plastic bubble. If you’re active enough to be able to date regularly, that needs to come across in your profile.

(Contact me and I’ll be happy to review whatever you write and give you a complimentary profile review session. )

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Dating, Dating & Career, Dating & Communicating, Dating & Finances, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

First Date No No: Setting a Time Limit To The Date

January 13, 2013 by 34 Comments

The people over at FriendFlirt gave my recent post about First Date Chemistry a shout out. Here’s an interesting suggestion from online dating coach, Laurie Davis:

Laurie’s advice was that the first meeting should be between 45 minutes to an hour. Something low key and simple, just to see if you two click. You want to leave that first meeting right when the chemistry is at it’s peak so that you leave on a great note and are already scheduling your second date.

Or if you don’t click, you didn’t waste a whole lot of time and money on the whole thing.

I love this idea. With the pressure taken off of the first meeting, you two will feel more natural and at ease. Also, if you don’t click, you won’t feel too stressed about it. It was just two people meeting, not a horrible first date.

That sounds like one of those things that dating experts like to say but have never actually implemented themselves. If they had, they’d know why that’s a counter-intuitive approach to dating. Why should someone go through all the motions to prepare for and arrive at a date just for 45 minutes? Not only that, but how does placing a time limit on the date not make your date feel like they’re under a microscope?

I’ve always found that the people who go into dates with these sort of disclaimers and limitations are already half-way to not interested. When people say things like, “Who knows…you might not think I’m your type” or “Why don’t we plan to do XYZ..just in case things don’t work out” they’re really saying, “I’m on the fence.” They’re telling you without telling you that they’re not sure or that they’ve had their share of awkward first dates. They are not complimenting you or being self-deprecating. They are warning you that there’s a real possibility there won’t be a mutual interest. Gee. Sign me up! This sort of strategy is actually quite telling and reflects poorly on the person setting up the rigid time frame of the date.

After doing online dating for a certain amount of time, a person should have developed the social skills necessary to navigate a first date without clicking some imaginary stop watch. They should also be able to learn how to tell if they’re truly interested in someone based on a profile. People should go out with people whom they are genuinely excited to meet. Not just anybody who shows interest. That’s why people get so burnt out on online dating. Stop being afraid to go with it. That is just a sign that you don’t trust yourself and your decisions. Go into a date confident in your choices and you won’t have anything to worry about.

I wouldn’t bother meeting anyone who put this sort of disclaimer on a date. And if someone abruptly put an end to a date – without warning -  that seemed to be going well, I’d be annoyed. Not intrigued. Nobody likes the idea of being bookended between appointments or rushed through their cocktail.  That would cast a shadow on the whole experience.

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Filed Under: Dating & Communicating, First Date Etiquette, first date ideas, First Date Jitters, First Impressions, Online Dating, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Facebook Friend Collector & Guys Who Just Want to Be Friends

November 6, 2012 by 37 Comments

Name: Lala
Age: 28
State: MN
Question: I recently separated from my husband. We are getting divorced and I have started dating. My ex has a serious girlfriend.

I had an intense, horrible relationship with someone right out the door. I was not ready to date anyone and it ended very badly. This was very hard for me since I had only been in one serious relationship, the one with my soon to be ex-husband. I was 16 when I met him, 18 when we had our son, and 21 when I married him. I’m now 28. Needless to say, I am very new to dating.

Eventually I was feeling like getting back on the horse and one of my coworkers mentioned an online dating site. I always looked down on them in the past and didn’t really want to do it, but I didn’t want to go to the bar every time I didn’t have my son and end up making the same mistakes with the same kind of guys.
I tried out two. One I paid for and one was free. The paid site was horrible for my confidence. It seemed as though I was not attractive to the kind of guys I was looking for. The free site was like a shock in the water. I received email after email after email!!! I was excited yet kind of taken back by this. I talked to a LOT of guys in the first month on that site and yet only two from the paid site. The two on the paid site were nice and seemed more interested in actual relationships. I only met up with one. He was what I thought I was looking for, but he was not interested in me for more than friendship. That is what he told me after the date anyway. He ended up trying to hook up with me a few times a few weeks later.

I met up with a lot of guys from the free site. All were nice, some more fun than others, all very attractive, but I have yet to make a connection with any of them. They like me and text a lot, but I seem to get to a third date and feel like they are not what I’m looking for.

During the middle of this, and what I am writing this about, I got all dolled up and went dancing with a group of people for my niece’s 21st birthday. I hadn’t really dressed up since before I separated and since I had lost some weight,  I was feeling pretty good and decided  to wear a sexy outfit and show myself off.
We went dancing and I let loose. I had a really great time. Just about to the end of the night, I was standing in an open area away from the dance floor just to the side of the bar. My best friend and I were posing for a picture. We were being kind of silly and having fun with it. After that we went to return to the dance floor. I was approached by a VERY attractive guy. He was dark and handsome and I stood and talked with him for about a half hour. I, being a bit intoxicated, told him he was adorable and was about to walk away when he asked for my number. I gave it to him and went on dancing until the place closed and we all left.
Later that night, he called me while we were getting some food. I walked outside and talked with him for a few minutes and invited him to come hang out with us at the party back at the house. He said he couldn’t but would like to see me again soon.

The next day I didn’t even really remember him getting my number and when I thought about it, I figured he and I were just drunk and he would not end up contacting me again. I was wrong. He texted me the next day and asked how the rest of my weekend was. We chatted a little and friended each other on Facebook. It turns out he is a model and a bartender. I was a little surprised that he had interest in me. Now, I have confidence, but this specimen was a little “out of my league”.

We have continued to talk on the phone from time to time, text and we have made plans to meet up. He got sick the first time, the second time my car broke down.  He texted me on the way back from his sister’s wedding the other day and said that he was thinking about me all weekend.

I have continued to meet up with people from the online site for dates and even met someone the good old fashioned way and went on a couple of dates with him, but this weekend I decided to do something different. I texted him and said: “I know this might be a little out of the blue, but I am a very straight forward person. I know we don’t know each other very well,  but are you interested in me for dating or are you simply looking for friendship?” I got an almost instant response. It usually takes him a few minutes between texts, this was lighting fast. He said: “Well, I don’t know you very well. That is my fault though. I think you are cool and I am going to make time for you this week no matter what.” I was about to reply and he also sent: “I love that you asked that!” I ended up replying with a simple thanks and said for him to get in touch with me this week.

So, long story short, I am wondering if I should count this guy out or if I should try to meet up again and see where it goes. I’m a little skeptical because he is nice, funny and very attractive. I know he has a lot of females in his life. I don’t want to feel “special” if I’m really not.

Thanks,
L

 

This guy is collecting female friends for his Facebook page so he can make himself seem desirable.He’s getting number after number at these clubs where he hangs out, adding them to his phone and maintaining conversations with multiple women at any given time.

Anyone that eager to let you into their Facebook/Twitter/Blog world is probably just seeking attention. They don’t care what you see, what pics you view or what wall posts you read. They just want the addition to their follower count and to show off. They want an audience.

He called later that night after meeting you because he was looking for someone to hook up with and couldn’t find anyone else. That’s all he wants, I think. He’ll probably try to make last minute plans with you should he not have anything else going on. He’ll invest just enough, sending texts and complimenting you. That’s so he can offer that last minute invite and it will seem genuine and not just a last ditch effort.

You’re not special to him. Nobody is.

As for the paid versus free online dating sites, yes, you’re going to kind fewer clowns on the paid sites. There will still be some, but not as many as the free sites. Don’t assume that because someone pays for their membership that that means they’re more serious, though.They’re paying to avoid the flakes and clowns as well as to meet people who actually want to get offline. Also realize that, on the paid sites, many of the people you see with “active” profiles aren’t paying members. That means they can’t email you or respond to messages. That’s part of the reason why you received so few messages.  This is the main reason why I won’t pay for a Match.com subscription or a Nerve Dating membership. I will not use a “free to sign up but you have to pay to contact people” site. They might have a lot of members, but my guess is very few of them pay to be there and have no emailing capability.  At least with a free site you know everybody can reply or respond. There are way fewer fake or dead profiles.

As for your guy who didn’t want more than friendship, dig this: he says that to everybody. PS? Being “just friends” does not involve having sex. Like your Facebook guy, this guy takes out woman after woman and tells her the same story. They agree to be friends because he follows through and wants to “hang out as friends.” Then he makes his move.  He’s just looking for casual hook ups.  If he just came out and said that, nobody would go out with him. So he takes them on a date, tells them he just wants to be friends, hangs out under the guise of being friends and then they hook up.

And…scene.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Facebook, It's Him, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Great Dating Advice or Just A Way To Get Dumped?

August 28, 2012 by 25 Comments

A friend just sent me this article this afternoon. The funny thing is that I actually have seen the OKC dating profile of the guy who wrote this. He admits that he’s a writer for Match.com. I went to find it today so I could talk to him about this piece, but his profile is down. Womp Womp.

Anywhoo, the advice in it is fine. Unfortunately, the problem isn’t the advice but how many women will interpret it.

1. He loves that you indulge at dinnertime. Yes, he likes that you aren’t a vegan or calorie/carb nazi. But let’s not assume this means that he thinks it’s oh so sexy to indulge frequently. Not sure many guys want a woman who eats melted cheese off a plate and then polishes that off with banana pancakes. We’ve spoken about the weight issue before. The more prominent issue for men and women when it comes to dating someone overweight isn’t just the aesthetics. That’s a factor, of course. Few people will admit that they don’t want to date someone overweight because it makes them sound shallow. The real concern is the health and self-esteem of the person. An extra 10-20 pounds on someone who eats well and regularly exercise is a lot more tolerable than if the person sits on the internet all day and shovels ice cream, burgers and beer down their gullet at every opportunity.

2. He loves your occasional outbursts.“Hearing a woman use profanity out of context gives a guy a shock of adrenaline,” explains Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of Be Honest — You’re Not That Into Him Either and DSI: Date Scene Investigation. “Men like women who can be tough and assertive, and as long as she doesn’t take the talk too far, it’s a positive thing.” Ok. But can we talk about what “taking it too far” means? Because I’m pretty sure what many women will take from reading this part is “he loves it when you rant and curse.” Yes, many men like to see their woman get worked up. Just..not at them. Important disclaimer. Not at them. They also aren’t so much turned on by a woman who “puts someone in their place” [read: threatens to kick someone in the balls] as they are, well, scared. It’s all in the delivery. A woman can be downright terrifying without ever having to raise her voice or curse. See Devil Wears Prada and watch Streep’s performance in that film. She doesn’t yell, screech or even curse. Her tone is even and calm and she looks people right in the eyes when she eviscerates them. Chilling.

3. He loves that you aren’t a neat freak. “Guys love a woman who’s not trying too hard,” explains Dr. Kerner. “Most men think a pair of boxer shorts and a ratty old T-shirt around the house is your most attractive look.” So don’t spend hours choosing the perfect date-night outfit or getting your place in House Beautiful-worthy shape, because men love you just as you are — in your comfortable, slightly sloppy glory.” No, seriously…where’s the camera?  Yes, guys like a woman who isn’t always polished and primped 24/7. And every once in a while she looks adorable in his t-shirt and boxers. But not all the time. This piece pretty much tells women to stop trying to impress her guy. And if there’s one thing men really dislike, it’s coming home to a living room or kitchen that looks like a tornado just blew through it. Bottom line? Men like women to make some effort. It shows they appreciate their man and want to keep him interested. I found the comment about the over-abundance of hair products amusing, as I’ve had guys comment on the number of hair products that crowd my bathroom shelves and usually fall on the floor when they reach for the mouthwash. What a lot of men wonder when they see all this stuff is..”So, um, this isn’t natural? This takes a lot of ..um..effort, huh?” It’s not a fireable offense or anything. It just takes away some of the mystery.

4. He loves your extra padding.Sure, you’ve heard that men love women with curves, but how about those extra pounds you’ve been trying to sweat off at the gym? There’s a good chance that your guy loves them, too. Just ask 26-year-old Nick: “My girlfriend exercises regularly, but I think the little pudginess in her thighs is sexy because it shows she’s not perfect.” Uh huh. Like I said. The extra weight is more tolerable if you’re actively and noticeably taking care of yourself. Something tells me ‘ol Nick wouldn’t be so enamored of his GF’s pudgy thighs if she sat on the couch all day. And let’s define ‘hour glass figure” since the articles states that men are most attracted to women with such a body type. Studies show that men are drawn to women with a healthy waist to hip ratio. Hourglass figure is not defined simply by having boobs, a waist and hips. If your hips spread wider than your shoulders, that’s not an hourglass figure. That’s disproportionate. Possibly even greatly overweight.

5. He’s fascinated by your knowledge of the things you’re passionate about. A man becomes fascinated by whatever it is that gets you all hot and bothered — regardless of whether or not he shares the same interests. Now this I agree with.I get turned on listening to a man talk about something that gets him pumped. His confidence and his passion are highly arousing. I would assume the same goes for men. But maybe that’s my vajajay talking.

6. He loves a good head rub from you. Don’t get me wrong — men love it when you grope their erogenous zones. But that’s not the only type of touch they crave. I agree with this part, too. Not sure the head rub is the way to get him turned on. But, hey, different strokes for different folks. Back, shoulders, face…guys do like to be touched just as much as women do. They like to feel desired in the same ways women do, and one way to communicate that is through touch.

I think most dating advice geared towards women is written in this tone. The author never wants to alienate their audience. Especially a dude. I have always said that men write stuff like for one of two reasons – a paycheck or to get laid. Pieces like this blatantly pander to women’s insecurities and egos for a reason. Unfortunately most women don’t understand that.

The gold in most dating advice is in the subtext. That’s how most dating advice is delivered. The real advice is in the underlying message and implication, not in what you’re actually being told.

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Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Article Roundup, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating & Weight, Dating Advice, Understanding Men, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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