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Dating Someone Who Rents vs. Owns: Do You Care?

April 22, 2013 by 35 Comments

“I also love how WO7 insists that LS and I have been/are “living out of our means.” We’ve both already told him that’s not the case. But he blows FrustratedWomanpast that and ignores it. I have never heard a man or woman say, ‘Eww..he/she rents? No thanks.” Nobody cares about that. It’s just not something people focus on. All people care about is that they can support themselves. And someone who lives with a roommate can’t support themselves.” – Moxie

Because you have. You can deny it all you want, but it’s true. By mid 40′s, you shouldn’t be renting anymore. Bottom line. “Nobody cares”? No, nobody cares in your social circles perhaps. But yes, people care. I imagine they care a lot more about someone who’s still renting in their mid 40′s than someone who has a roommate after age 27.

The bottom line, you’re doing your readers a disservice by encouraging them to ignore people who have roommates and/or live in an outer borough. You tell them to get rid of all the other stupid reasons to hamstring their chances to find love, but you refuse to let go of this one.

The other thing I notice, is your mentality is so out of date. It shows your age. Have you looked at the prices in Brooklyn Heights, Williamsburg, LIC, Park Slope? Your mentality is a fading one. It is no longer unacceptable to live in Brooklyn and Queens.

I think that’s what this all really boils down to. You’re from a completely different generation, and you haven’t changed with the times at all. – WO7

First of all, I’ve long since adjusted my stance of dating people in Brooklyn. Like, literally years ago. I’ve dated men in Hoboken, Brooklyn and Jersey City in the last 2 years. I have to branch out. I’m 44 and single and in Manhattan. Do I like it? Nope. Do I take a pass on men who live in Queens because of the hassle? Yes. My options here are limited so I have to be more flexible, but I don’t have to be that flexible. Even at my age, I still have some options in Manhattan.  And since Brooklyn has become such a booming boro, now even people who live there choose not to date outside of it. Why? Because they don’t have to because so many people have moved there.  Most people will choose convenience or the path of least resistance. Someone in Brooklyn who can easily find someone in Brooklyn will choose to limit their search to Brooklyn. Same goes for Manhattan. Congrats to you that you’re so open minded. Truly. You’re a better person than most. We get it. You think it’s just awful/terribly/elitist that someone might sniff at the opportunity at dating someone that lives 90 minutes by subway. Well,  good for you. Not everybody prioritizes things the way you do. I’d sooner poke my eyes out with a fork than date in the suburbs. The lifestyles and mentalities of people who live there are vastly different than those of people who live in a city.  It’s about compatibility. Go right ahead and make your case for how snobbish that is. I don’t have any fucks to give. I don’t date guys with roommates because a) I don’t have trouble meeting men who don’t have them  b) because I find that arrangement inconvenient and c) I choose to date men who live a similar lifestyle to mine.

I have never told people not to date in an outer boro. Seriously. NEVER. I have told people to accept the fact that singles in places like Manhattan don’t have to look outside of where they live in order to meet someone. I have suggested that people who insist upon meeting and dating people in heavily populated cities where there’s tons of competition to move to that city to improve their chances. Again, I didn’t make any of these “rules.” Women under 35 in Manhattan don’t have to date in Brooklyn. They’re in high demand. Men in their 40′s don’t have to date in Jersey for the same reason. People aren’t snobs because they don’t want to drive out to a suburb after work or sit on a bus for an hour plus. Valuing time and productivity isn’t an elitist trait. Living 60 to 90 minutes away by subway, car or bus automatically knocks you down to the bottom of list if you’re competing with equally attractive people who are local. That’s just the way it goes.

As far as renting versus owning, I have never..and I mean never…encountered ONE PERSON of any age,  male or female – who cared. The only people I ever hear tossing this idea around are the same people who want to know someone’s credit score after a few dates or are otherwise immature about relationships. What most people care about is that whomever they date is financially responsible and stable. That’s it. The rest will work itself out. They’ll take a solid credit rating over a mortgage any day. I have friends that range from 30-50. Some own, some rent. All make a good living in the 6 figures, all financially stable. Not everybody sees the need to own a home in their thirties and forties, if at all. Not everybody wants the responsibility. Not everybody wants to have kids. Not everybody wants to get married.  Many people are waiting to meet someone so they can buy a place together. Some folks don’t want to go through the grueling process of trying to buy a place only to have to turn around and sell it a few years later. Other people are divorced or recovering from being out of work or trying to get their finances in order (all while living alone, btw). You want to talk out of touch? Anybody who, in this economy, expects people of a certain age to be owning instead of renting is out of touch. It’s astounding how you accuse me of being superficial when everything you write makes it abundantly clear that you care far more about things only the most shallow of people care about.

What’s truly astounding about your whole comment and most of your rants is that you express the same elitist attitude that you accuse others of having. You have your own biases, but noooooooooooooooooobody else is supposed to have them. Yours are supported by shaky facts and figures, therefore they’re more valid. Sweetheart, you’re no different. You are as snobby and elitist and shallow as everybody else. So get the fuck over yourself. You’re desperately trying to convince me that I’m somehow missing out. Maybe I am. But I don’t care nearly as much as you do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Would You Date Someone Who Lived With Their Parents?

April 17, 2013 by 133 Comments

Name: Guywallet22
Age: 30
City: Brooklyn
State: NY

Comment: To whom it may concern:

I am little lost on this dating scene.I wanted to be honest.

 First, I am balding, non-white/asian (it unfortunately matters I learned), Christian, and I can’t sing(hah).

But I do have a M.S., a job, live with my parents, and attending law school at night. In the culture I was brought up in, living with your parents until you were married or at least when you finish school was expected. But I am constantly seeing that people value someone that lives on their own but has family values. I am little lost on that concept. I am a only child, I love my parents, and I have friends, but apparently I am not good enough because I live with my parents?  Living with my parents has allowed me to keep an eye on my parents, get closer family relations, save plenty of money(apparently women like that, $100K+ in the bank). Furthermore, whenever I want to date someone outside my ethnicity I am already tagged as some vagrant or loser with loose morals that should not be given another thought. I have low expectations as it is already but still could someone throw me a bone—hah.

QUESTION: So my question is, how can I level the playing field where I can date other women of different nationalities and not have to face that stigma?

Easy. You move out and live on your own. I have to say that I call bullshit on the “but I save so much money!” excuse for having roommates or living with parents. Being an adult is about making sacrifices. When I hear the word roommate come from anybody over 27 or so I hear, “I’m not ready to grow up.” You can live on your own and still save money. You might not have the size apartment you might have if you didn’t have roommates, but you’ll have a roof over your head. It’s about living within your means. If you can save 100K while being in law school, you have the means.

In a rather heated exchange with my niece and nephew last week, I had to explain to them why I’m opting out of owning a condo that my father had purchased and let my sister live in that was included in my Dad’s probate estate. I created a bullet point list of why gifting my portion over to my sister would be a very, very bad move financially for all involved. I also had to explain the terms of the promissory note drafted by my father when he sold my sister, their Mom,  his home. It struck me, as we were going back and forth and they were accusing me of being greedy, that neither of them have ever lived on their own. My niece is in her mid-twenties and still lives at home. My nephew, 31, only recently moved in with his fiancee. Neither of them have ever had to go through the process of renting an apartment or buying a home. They’ve never dealt with landlords or had to pay property tax or applied for a mortgage. Therefore, everything I said went right over their heads.

By 22 or 23, most people here have moved into their first apartment. By 27 or 28, they’re living alone. Which means they are not only responsible for the financial aspect of that by creating and living on a budget and watching their credit score,  but for keeping their home clean, cooking, shopping, laundry, etc. That kind of autonomy and responsibility is crucial in our development. As I was saying to a friend the other night, there’s an incredible sense of pride in knowing that all your bills are paid, you’re debt free, and you’re contributing to a savings and planning for your future. As someone who always had a financial safety net of sorts in my father, I can not tell you how good it feels to stand on my own. (And, no, my trust has not played a major part in that.)

As long as you have that safety net of living at home, Guy, you’ll never truly be considered an adult.

It’s not just the “weird” stigma that you’re facing, Guy. What people are also wondering when they consider dating you is how you’ll cope with being “on the outside.” Lacking the experience in basic responsibilities like paying rent sets you behind developmentally. Yes, women like men who are financially stable. But you live at home. It’s not hard to accrue a 100K savings when you’re not paying rent or a mortgage. A woman would be a lot more impressed if you had a mortgage and 25K in savings.

I think you’re using your cultural traditions to justify why you don’t want to spend the money on an apartment. You know that living with your folks compromises your love life. Yet your desire to sock away cash appears to be overriding that. You want a girlfriend and a social life? Move out. You can move close to your parents and check in regularly. There are plenty of work-arounds here.Should you move out of Brooklyn there’s this magical system of cars that run beneath the ground that can transport you to wonderous places like Queens and Williamsburg.

Your making excuses because you don’t want to spend money. That is at the top of the list of things that women find unattractive.

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Filed Under: Date Outside Your Means, Dating, Dating & Finances, Dating & Race Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Would You Give a Second Date To a Guy Who Didn’t Pay for The First?

April 12, 2013 by 112 Comments

Author : KC
I went on a date last night with a guy I met online.  He suggested dinner and I thought it was a very gentlemanly thing to do.  The date went fairly well – conversation flowed, he was extremely complimentary, telling me I was far more stunning than my posted pictures and he was shocked at how well we seemed to click. We discussed family, jobs (both have great, well-paying jobs) and aspirations.

Near the end of the meal, he asked when he could see me next -  again telling me he was thrilled with his first impression and excited to see where this may lead.

I was flattered and also a bit excited.

BUT…when the bill came, he sort of reluctantly took it and then asked me for HALF…  I must have turned white – I was so shocked.  I of course handed him the cash and then a quick hug and bee-lined for the door.

I made the mistake of giving this bozo my phone number and now’s he’s a texting maniac – asking when we can see each other again.  I don’t want to sound superficial but I am so turned off by this tacky behavior (dinner was at his suggestion and I am a very generous person and would happily pick up future tabs).  How do I tell him to take a hike and hopefully teach him a little something about how you treat a lady?

Advice would be most welcomed – Thanks!!!

 

He reluctantly took the bill because, possibly like you, he was having a really great time and he was looking to see if you would offer to contribute to the bill. See, that who pays test works both ways. Unlike you, he’s willing to brush it off and give it another go.

Here’s what your real question is: How do I swallow my pride and accept a date with this guy again without looking desperate or losing my power? If you truly had no interest in seeing him again, his texts wouldn’t bother you. You’d simply reply back and tell him something suddenly came up and you won’t be seeing each other again. People who complain about all the pestering texts they get from folks aren’t really griping. They’re bragging. You, love, are bragging.  So accept the date and move past this, because you know that’s what you want to do. How much more does he need to do to woo you? He agreed to dinner on a first date, something no guy does. The conversation went well. He showered you with compliments. You got the majority of The Girlfriend Experience. Which, frankly, I see as a red flag. Not sure how genuine this guy is. For that reason alone I’d want another date.Experienced guys know that dinner on a first date is a no no. So he’s either inexperienced or disingenuous. Only time will tell.

Was it as simple as he “reluctantly” took the bill or did he sit there and watch you steadfastly refuse to even pretend to want to pay your share. If I were confronted with that sense of expectation and entitlement, I would probably do exactly what he did.Who the hell is anybody to expect me to spend my money, money I work hard for, on them just because they agreed to meet me for a meal?

First dates aren’t all about the man working to impress the woman. It’s about both people trying to make a good first impression. You don’t seem at all concerned that maybe you failed the test. Because you did. While many women will turn to friends or the internet to complain/brag about their date with the cheap Unicorn, most men will just chalk it up to poor communication. They might even make a judgment call that the woman is possible spoiled or entitled. They don’t crowd source the experience. They decide to either file that away and give it another go or to blow her off and move on to the next.

Maybe by asking you to help pay, he was trying to teach you a lesson about how to treat a guy.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Finances, Dating 2.0, First Date Etiquette Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Would You Use Someone For A Free Meal/Sex?

March 24, 2013 by 34 Comments

XOJane published yet another article that showcases the distorted rationalizations that many people lean on when acting like assholes. Read it, then let’s discuss both the article and the following quote:

All women engage in this.  And, every guy you know is doing the same thing – dangling the possibility of commitment to women in order to get sex.  People are selfish.  Sure, it’s socially inappropriate to admit to doing it (and dumb if you’re announcing to thousands of readers non-anonymously on the Internet) but doesn’t mean everyone is not doing it. Men are far more guilty of this than women, I think.  They will have sex with a woman with no intention of it leading to anything knowing the woman wants more.  Women dangle the possibility of sex to get other things.  I don’t think it’s always about free meals.  In my experience that is rare.  But it’s about getting something.  So everyone is guilty. – DMN

 

I let you guys discuss the finer points of DMN’s feedback. I agree that both parties are using the promise of something they know the other covets to get what they want. So there really isn’t much difference in what this woman did versus what many men do in an attempt to get laid.

Of course the minute this story went live it became Reddit/MRA fodder. She’s a dinner whore, she’s a prostitute, blah blah blah. The men complaining reveal nothing other than they were suckers once, too. The author of the essay is rationalizing her decision to use men for free meals by deflecting and pointing the finger at men. That’s to be expected. As I said in one of my comments in that article’s thread, I’m tired of men and women trying to avoid responsibility by  re-directing attention to similar behavior of the opposite sex. Stop doing that. 99% of the time, both genders are wrong so you’re not really helping your argument. It becomes a circular conversation where one side attempts to bait the other into responding. Nothing gets accomplished and the cycle of resentment is perpetuated.

Not only did she demonstrate poor judgment for using men for free meals, but she proved she still makes questionable choices by writing about it non-anonymously on the internet.  The only real difference between her and the men she is comparing herself to is that the majority of those guys would never publicly admit to behaving so heinously. Why? Because a) it would interfere with their game and b) they know it’s wrong. That doesn’t stop them from doing this, of course. They keep it to themselves so that they – along with their male peers – can continue the ruse should they choose to use it. They are not only looking out for themselves but for their bros. I think the opposite is true for women who share these revelations in a public forum. They’ll say they’re doing it warn other females or balance out various injustices, but are they? Are they really?

EDITED TO ADD: I honestly think women publicly share stories that make them sound as though they are far more successful/no-nonsense/sexually desirable than other women. For example: the woman who wrote the XO Jane piece implies she got steak and lobster dinners from men she met off OK Cupid and Craigslist. Really? REALLY?? Because all the guys who can afford to blow a couple hundred on a first date dinner all cruise….Craigslist? Please. That was written strictly to generate jealousy from the female readership and imply that men found her so attractive that they freely and gladly opened up their wallets for her.

While many females like to speculate that men behave poorly,  the evidence that women actually do appears to be piling up on the internet. Not only do articles like this make the subject look bad, they make all women look bad. It seems like every day there’s another piece of evidence  cropping up that incriminates us in the form of personal memoir writing. The question is: why? Aren’t we better than this?

Nobody in this digital age, where Googling first dates is expected, could possibly think publishing this story was a good idea. The XO Jane piece was framed as though it was an act of contrition, but it wasn’t.  I think it was shared because the author was proud of what she did. Only someone pleased with themselves would write a story like this under their own name and post photos. The decision to go public with this is what will haunt her. Having to defend and explain why she wrote this will be her penance.

 


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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Dating, Dating & Finances, Nice Guys, OKCupid, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

How The Fake Reach For Your Wallet Can Backfire

March 12, 2013 by 23 Comments

Here’s a two-fer for Tuesday!

First there is this story from The Frisky about a woman who went on a date and the guy forgot his wallet.

The check arrived and I began my elaborate routine of digging through my purse to look for my wallet while waiting for him to stop me because he’d inevitably insist on paying. That’s just the dance of the first date. But I truly wanted to pay for half, so I’d offer that and insist and we’d see where the chips fell on the floor of this wine bar, so to speak. My purse digging routine went on for a while and he said nothing to shoo me away from searching for my wallet. Rather, HE spent an inordinate amount of time digging through his jacket pockets and emptying their contents onto the bar: his apartment keys, his iPhone, his ear buds. Each item was carefully and deliberately pulled out of the pockets as though he were a prosecutor presenting his evidence to the jury. He walked me to my apartment where we hugged goodbye as he said that the next date would be “on him” and I thought, There’s not going to be another date. And sure enough there wasn’t—no worthwhile follow up from him, no suggestion of another date. And that was just fine with me.”

I’m on the fence as to whether he actually forgot his wallet or if he just likes to test women. A woman replied to my comment suggesting maybe he was telling me the truth by saying that there didn’t seem to be enough “groveling” on the guy’s part for him to be sincere. Apparently, a virtual stranger is expected to grovel and beg for forgiveness for making a mistake.

Here’s where I get suspicious. Earlier in the essay she says:

Conversation was good, but I wasn’t sure whether or not a second date was in our future, so when the check arrived I was going to see how he played it and, against the rules of my dad, I was planning to offer to pay for half. In my sophisticated and somewhat illogical hierarchy of principles, letting a guy who I’m not sure I’m interested pay for a first date is a worse offense than a guy I am interested in not offering to pay for a first date. I just never want to take advantage of anyone and that’s how I’d feel if I had let him pay for everything with no assurance that we’d see each other again. So in this instance, I was ready and willing to go Dutch.

I guess my main issue with this is how dodgy the author seems to be. If she truly believed that it was inappropriate for her to allow a man she was on the fence about to pay, then how he “played” it would be irrelevant. Her decision would have been made already. This feels like a rationalization that borders on a fib. In order to protect her virtue and prevent people from accusing her of basically doing exactly what she’s implying the man was guilty of, she’s trying to insist that she’s not like “those other women.” Not saying he’s not a dick if he did intentionally forget his wallet. But let’s not act all doe eyed like we’re above The Con, mmkay?

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Second article is this one from XOJane. To recap, the woman meets a guy abroad while she’s in Europe. Ten months later they’ve decided to move in together and move across the country to LA where he has taken a job. She gives up her life here in NYC and agrees.  I’m not questioning her decision. Yay for love and all that. My question is concerning what sort of security measures are put in to place to protect herself. Specifically, is her name on their lease or is it just his? As I’ve learned over these past 9 months dealing with the drama that has arisen due to my family being unable to find my Dad’s will, it’s never a good idea to leave certain things up to someone else. Especially when it comes to the roof over your head. Whether it’s a move across the country or simply moving in with someone who lives ten blocks away, is it ever as simple as taking your stuff and placing it somewhere else? What measures are in place to protect you should things go awry? How much would or should someone be willing to risk in a situation like this?

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Co-Habitation, Dating & Finances Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Online Dating & Income – How Much Do You Reveal?

March 5, 2013 by 22 Comments

I woke up to an email from a friend on Facebook.

“I just got an email from a  woman on Match who asked if the lack of a stated income on my profile meant I was unemployed. Should I include my income?”

Let’s think about this from a search perspective. When someone is choosing criteria that they prefer in a mate, are many people selecting a specific income?I would guess that there’s a decent amount of people who do. Hence, it might be a good idea to include a salary just because you want to come up in as many search types as possible so that you can drive traffic to your ad. The downside, of course, is attracting people who only wish to date people who fall within a certain income bracket. My guess is that if you work in a field that is known for it’s high salary then you’re used to being targeted by such people and can sniff them out pretty quickly. I’d suggest planning a low key date at a modestly priced bar. If your date tries to upgrade then you know that they’re more drawn to you for your wallet than your personality.

As I’ve said before, people who make high salaries aren’t opposed to spending money. They know that that’s all part of the Dating Game. They don’t mind sharing the wealth as long as their date appears to appreciate it. They don’t have to have someone match their spending habits on dates to do that. A simple offer to pay for the cab or buy a round of drinks will suffice. It’s not about the amount, it’s about the gesture of appreciation.

Now, what if you want to select “Prefer not to say?” Personally, I think that’s the best way to go. I don’t like the idea of people feeling obligated to reveal sensitive information like salary range to strangers. This would never come up in regular conversation if you met someone at a bar or party.Either choose that option or undercut your salary a bit. I always suggest to clients that they don’t go into great detail about what they do for a living. Don’t give it all away upfront. If you work in the corporate world select Executive/Management as a career field whenever you can.

In my example profile that I use when doing profile reviews, I identify as financially self-sufficient as opposed to financially independent. I place more importance on whether or not someone can take care and support themselves than how much they make. I also prefer to date someone who lives a similar lifestyle to mine, meaning they live on their own and, while maybe don’t make enough to travel to Europe on a regular basis, can still afford to go out and enjoy certain activities and is responsible enough to maintain a savings.

The phrase “financially independent” says, to me, “I don’t need you. I got this.” That’s not a message you want to send to potential partners. You want people to think you need them to some degree. “Financially self-sufficient” says, to me, “I’m responsible.” That’s what sufficiency is about – being able to take care of yourself. I often advise women not to make mention of finances or careers in their profiles. For one, they make themselves targets to the OKCupid/Match.com Hobos looking for a place to rest their weary heads. Yes, that’s a thing. The other reason is that men just don’t care what a woman makes or what she does for a living as much as women care about the same things. Men want women to use their more “feminine” qualities to attract men. Most men focus on personality traits and characteristics than on financial or professional ones.

On a somewhat related topic, can we all talk key words for a second? A great way to draw the right people to your profile is to include specific key words. If you’re super health conscious, then make sure to use words like healthy, diet and exercise. Go even more specific and use words like organic and yoga. If you like being outdoors, include words like nature, hikes, environment, sunset, mountains, etc. Looking for a nerd? Think of the various descriptors and hobbies you think someone like that might identify with and put them in your profile. I’ve found the, more and more, people are honing their searches by using the key word search option.

So now I’ll turn it over to you:

Do you complete the income question on your profile? Why or why not? Have you encountered people who have seemed judgmental based on your admitted salary? Have you been targeted by people who appear to primarily seek people in your income bracket? If so, how did you know and how did you handle it?

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Finances, OKCupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, So..What Do You Do For a Living? Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Date When You Don’t Have a Job?

January 27, 2013 by 13 Comments

Name: Greg
Age: 29
State: NY
Question: I have what is sometimes referred to as an ‘invisible illness’, a disability that is not obvious at a glance, and I receive government benefits due to my inability to work. People will generally have no idea I have a health issue unless I tell them, so my question is, how do I deal with this in terms of dating?

Often times the question of work will come up, and I’m never sure how to reply. Should I be up front when the issue comes up? Should I wait to get to know the person for a bit, and if so how long? If I were to make an online dating profile, should I disclose this right on the page? I don’t want to be dishonest, but I also don’t want to give the wrong impression or seem as if I’m just blurting out personal information willy-nilly.

Any advice on how to handle this?

MOXIE’S EDIT: He has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_fatigue_syndrome

If you’re unemployed for whatever reason, you should probably mention that in your profile. That is one of those topics that you really can’t fudge. If you don’t mention it you’ll look deceptive in some way. Then, when you do reveal it, your date will assign some nefarious and shady reasoning for why you didn’t tell her. She’ll make far worse assumptions about you other than you don’t have  a job.

I’m toying with the suggestion that maybe you should say that you’re financially self-sufficient but not check off anything as a specific career type. Only when you engage in an email exchange should you expand on this. Your situation has to be revealed before too much time and energy is invested.

It’s not that a woman cares what exactly a man does to make a living. Some women do. The ones who will only date a man in a certain field should be avoided anyway. So at least you’ll weed them out. What most decent women care about is that you support yourself and could possibly support them should things progress. Yes, that’s how far women think into the future when reviewing a profile. She’s calculating in her head how you and she will be able to buy a home together and afford to have her leave her job to stay home and raise your children. It’s crazy, but it’s how some of us do.

The reality is that if you are not in a position to support a family, even just you and her, then that means you have to go for women who either don’t want children/marriage, are divorced and not looking to marry again or don’t mind being the breadwinner. Yes, that is going to limit your options. Better that than going on a ton of dates that go nowhere and getting frustrated. You’re probably going to have to widen your age range, too.   I’m not going to tell you to wish upon a star and hope someone will love you for who you are because that’s a crock. If you don’t bring to the table an impressive level of financial security, you’re going to be ignored by a hefty portion of the female population. It sucks, but it is what it is. You are not going to Norma Rae your way out of this by trying to change the system.

Revealing an illness, even an invisible one, is going to make you appear weak and flawed. I tend to think women are more turned off by that than men. Women expect men to be “strong” in various areas, including health and physical ability. You can maybe say that a health situation has sidelined your career and that you’re thankful that you’ve still been able to maintain a secure and stable life. You have to make this sound as positive as possible.

It’s important to paint the right picture of your life and lifestyle. Ok, so you don’t go to an office or work full time. What do you do, if anything? Do you volunteer? Do you work part-time? Do you have hobbies? What does a day in your life look like? That’s what you have to share in your profile. You do not want to make yourself appear like you’re a shut in or live in a plastic bubble. If you’re active enough to be able to date regularly, that needs to come across in your profile.

(Contact me and I’ll be happy to review whatever you write and give you a complimentary profile review session. )

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Dating, Dating & Career, Dating & Communicating, Dating & Finances, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Why Is He Paying Her Bills If He’s Not Getting Sex?

January 22, 2013 by 31 Comments

Name: Single Mom
Age: Early Thirties
State:
Question: Is it worth sticking around?
I am an attractive, professional, physically fit, single mom in my early thirties. Ultimately, I would like to remarry and have another child (ren). I usually don’t have trouble getting male attention when I go out, but between being a mommy and my career, getting out hasn’t been a priority. Last year I reconnected with an “ex” from many years ago. About him: he is in his late forties and works in the political arena and is well known in our area. He is considered a very eligible bachelor in his circles.  We started sleeping together again within a few months and thereafter spent a great deal of time together.  However, during this whole time he was adamant he didn’t want a relationship. So after 7-8 months of dating/sex, I stopped sleeping with him and cut back communication because I knew I ultimately wanted a committed relationship and felt he was being clear he didn’t want one. Fast forward a few months and we start seeing each other again. This time sex is not part of the equation, BUT we are spending more time together than ever before and doing  things traditionally reserved for couples: we talk/text several times a day (if he cannot reach me he calls repeatedly); we see each other 4-5x per week often staying over several days; he has met my child  and seems to adore her; we have met each other’s family, friends and coworkers; we have gone down to his summer home a few times for extended periods; he has done helpful things around the house; for Christmas he paid off a credit card for me, etc. He has said he loves me although he has made it clear he is not in love. Also, very clear is that he still says he doesn’t want a relationship. After digging a little deeper this time, he told me after how horrible his divorce was   and how another serious relationship ended… he doesn’t want to go there again. He says he cares for me and he knows I am a great catch, but he just can’t do a relationship.  I guess what I don’t understand is how a relationship would be any different than what we are doing now besides slapping a label on it.  It has been about a year and half of on and off dating without a commitment and about a year since I last slept with him. My question is, should I ride this out longer to see what will happen or cut ties completely with him.  With as much time as we spend together, I don’t have time to explore any other options or to even keep my options open.  What makes it hard for me to decide is that unlike other men I have dated he acts like he wants a relationship,  but says otherwise, whereas my experience has been with men saying they wanted commitment, but their actions were completely at odds with that.

 

Let’s see…late forties, divorced eligible bachelor. Side note: Know who else was a successful eligible bachelor? Liberace. Moving on.

I’m stuck on the part where you let this man that you’re not dating/sleeping with pay your credit card. I mean, doesn’t that feel odd to you or ring any bells? Tell me again what he’s getting out of all of this? It’s clear what you’re getting: you get a show pony to trot around town and show off to your family and friends and pay your bills AND you don’t have to have sex with him. It doesn’t sound like the lack of sex really bothers you. The only thing that appears to bug you is that he refuses to agree to be your boyfriend. That’s all quite telling to me. Do you even want a relationship with him or do you just want to be able to say you have a relationship with him?

More intriguing is how you’re making it sound like he’s doing all of these of his own volition. Which, sorry, I’m dubious about. If you’re asking him to help hang a picture or fix something or attend a family party,  he’s doing it because you’re making the request. That’s completely different than if he offered to do all these things. Maybe he just likes being needed. You could be exploring other options. You’re choosing not to. It sounds like maybe you’re creating a certain atmosphere so you can turn around and accuse him of acting like a boyfriend.

I guess what I don’t understand is how a relationship would be any different than what we are doing now besides slapping a label on it. 

Well, no. One other thing that you’d be doing is sleeping together. You’re not. You and this man aren’t dating. At best you’re just good friends and he’s hanging around for the companionship and possible professional benefits. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want a relationship with you, he’s not sleeping with you and thereby building up expectations. A man can not want a relationship but still want sex. He doesn’t even want sex from you. He’s just hanging out with you. You are allowing this because it allows you to appear as though you have a man. There’s no mystery here. He’s just your friend. You’re the one building this up into something it isn’t. He’s likely getting the sex from someone else and the companionship from you. Did you think he’s been going without for the past year? Of course not.  He’s just not getting it from you because he doesn’t want to lead you on and make his life more difficult. I have several male friends who buy me drinks and pay for my meals and attend family functions with me. It doesn’t mean we’re dating. It means we’re friends. Other than paying your credit card bill, which baffles me and does makes me question his motives slightly,  this guy isn’t doing anything that doesn’t fall under the category of friendship.

Find someone else. This guy doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You’re hitching your wagon to the wrong horse insisting that the guy is acting like a boyfriend. No, he’s not. He’s made his position clear and now feels like he can just be himself. His reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship with you don’t matter. He’s being polite. He’s not interested in dating you. He’s giving you phony reasons for why you can’t be together, probably because you keep trying to force a relationship that doesn’t exist.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Commitment, Date Outside Your Means, Dating, Dating & Finances, Marriage, Men & Communication, Monogamy Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

All The Single Ladies…Are Fighting For The Same Man

January 16, 2013 by 136 Comments

This is what I call the stereotypical Manhattan single woman’s online dating experience. Woman meets a guy online. He’s employed and well educated with a good job and impressive package. He strings her along for months, but instead of cutting him loose, she kinda hangs on to him, afraid to let him go because what if he turns out to be sincere? (Hint: he’s not.) All of the women rally around her and tell her to kick him to the curb, girl, while regaling her with stories about how, when they met their man, they didn’t have to tolerate any nonsense. None, you hear me? I mean, okay, so some of them have only had “their man” for a handful of weeks or months. But still. They’re advice trumps that of anyone else because, you know, they have a manz. It’s just one ongoing circle jerk that would leave any woman dizzy.

What we have going on now is a number of women pursuing the same men. These men are all employed, attractive, educated and engaging. They are in no rush to pick just one woman because…why should they? Women refer to them as players, but is that really accurate? Or fair? Is it their fault that most women would rather pursue them than consider the guys with fewer options? For several months now we’ve been reading about how there are fewer and fewer “marriageable men” out there thanks to the economic downturn. Fewer men graduating college means fewer men are able to be the type of providers that women seek. That leaves us with a bunch of ladies all setting their sights on a smaller population of men.

As I said in the comments of this post:

It all comes down to supply and demand and the fact that women hold on
to antiquated rules and gender roles. For whatever reason, women have no
problem embracing the fact that they are now the breadwinners and are
more educated, yet they can’t wrap their brain around the possibility
that that means they now become the providers. They want equality in
every area – financially, sexually, etc – EXCEPT in the case of having
the burden of being the provider placed on their shoulders. That’s where
they want traditional gender roles to stay in place. If they could move
past this and broaden their horizons, they could find a man who wants
to commit. Instead, they all go after the Big Fish – the guy with the
degree and the paycheck – and end up becoming part of a harem. Why
should a guy pick just one when he has and endless supply of women who
pursue him? Cut off the supply to these men and the problem goes away.

The solution seems so simple in theory: stop going after men with so many options OR date multiple men at a time. Yet few women want to do either.They’d rather cling to the tales they here from other women on the internet, who I’m sure did not settle in any way, shape or form. Nope. Not even a smidge. Those women found their dream man and she can, too, with a little pluck and perseverance. Here’s the problem with that thinking, ladies:

1. I can assure that at least some of those women settled in some way.

2. Keeping a man’s interest for a few weeks or even months is not proof of anything.

3. You probably wouldn’t want what those women have.

I’ve said this before: what threatens our chances of finding what we want is that we compare our insides to other people’s outsides. So rather than hope against hope that your life will follow the blue print of some other woman’s life, why not design your own? Stop crowd sourcing your love life. No good will come from that.

I don’t know when or if we’re going to see any changes to the current dating landscape. Right now, the men have the upper hand. They have enough options to keep them comfortable for the foreseeable future. You can try and fight it or you can follow their lead and do what they are doing.  Chastising these men a and calling them players isn’t going to help you. They don’t care. They don’t have to. The fact remains that they are in demand.

If it’s a relationship you seek then you need to focus on the men who appear to have fewer options. If you’re emailing a guy, chances are someone else is too. Lots of someone else’s.  Those men would be the ones who email you. I realize that that prospect doesn’t sound terribly appealing, but it’s the truth.

 

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Finances, Dating 2.0, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Which Is Better In a Partner: Good Credit or No Debt?

December 26, 2012 by 51 Comments

Here’s an interesting article from Jezebel:

If You’re Looking for Love, You Better Have a Good Credit Score

John Hendrix, a 33-year-old chemist in San Francisco, said he worried that the vast disparity between his girlfriend’s credit score and his own low one could create tension in their relationship. When the couple leased a car in October, Mr. Hendrix had to leave his name off the contract because his poor credit scuttled his chances for the bargain interest rate that his girlfriend qualified for.

From the original NYT article:

 

She simply couldn’t help it, though. After all, he was tall, from a religious family, raised by his grandparents just as she was, worked in finance and even had great teeth.

Her musings were suddenly interrupted when her date asked a decidedly unromantic question: “What’s your credit score?”

“It was as if the music stopped,” Ms. LaShawn, 31, said, recalling how the date this year went so wrong so quickly after she tried to answer his question honestly. “It was really awkward because he kept telling me that I was the perfect girl for him, but that a low credit score was his deal-breaker.”

 

While I agree that a couple should have a frank discussion about finances if they are considering merging in some way. Up until that point, I don’t see why it matters. Not only that, but I’d be more concerned with whether or not they live within their means and seem responsible with their spending than a credit score. While the credit score often reflects someone’s spending habits and money management ability, many times it doesn’t accurately reflect the strides someone has made to become more financially responsible.

I could never discount someone based on a three digit number. I’d have to have a fuller picture in order to make such a decision.  To me, there’s something off about someone who cries poor a lot but who smokes, orders a lot of take out, belongs to an expensive gym, etc. To me, that shows their inability or unwillingness to sacrifice. Which, as we’ve discussed before, is really the core of commitment. Equally troubling are people in between apartments and couch surfing who are actively trying to date. Dating is expensive. 4 or 5 dates a month is a few hundred dollars. How important could it be to someone to get an apartment if they’re taking that much money away from the more important necessity of having a roof over your head? These people aren’t looking for partners, they’re looking for providers.

How important is someone’s credit score to you? Is it a determining factor or do you consider other issues like spending habits or how much debt they do/ do not have?

 

Which would you rather…someone with no debt but a poor credit score or someone with a good credit score and sizeable (say over 25K) debt?

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Dating, Dating & Finances Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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