Comment: i’m 30, attractive, independent, confident, and have a successful job. I am the total package, but I can’t seem to attract the right guy for me. It seems that the guys I’m interested in aren’t interested in me and the ones I’m not interested in, like me. I’m actually trying to get over someone that I’m infatuated with, but I often find myself comparing every other guy I meet to him. The truth is I really want to be with him and no one else, but I’m several years older than him and I don’t know how he feels about me. Thusly, I’ve been trying to meet other guys in hopes to get over the one I’m infatuated with. However, I just haven’t met someone worth my time. I want nothing to do with them and so far none of them have been my type. I am willing to give different guys a chance, but I typically leave the date at the end of the night relieved that it’s over and that I never want to see them again. I’ve tried speed dating, online dating, going out with friends, etc. But haven’t met anyone and it’s frustrating. I don’t know what to do or what I’m doing wrong. I feel like I’m being picky, but I refuse to settle. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
I don’t think you’re being picky. I think you’re fixated on someone that you can’t have and refuse to let him go. That’s what is holding you back. You’re not coming across as available.
You can put yourself out there in a multitude of ways, but if you’re not truly willing to give someone a chance, then you’re wasting everybody’s time. This guy you’re infatuated with? If he wanted to be with you, he would be. It’s that simple. Sitting around pining for something that will never come to fruition is counter-productive.
There’s nothing I can say that will get you un-stuck. You’re going to have to get there on your own. The last thing you want to do is continue to tell yourself how you’re trying and you’re being flexible, etc etc. You’re not. The solution to your non-problem is to finally confront and accept that you’re never going to have this younger guy. Ever. Time to start the grieving process of this relationship that never was.
You’re delaying the inevitable because you’d rather hold on to the idea of a relationship – no matter how fictitious – that actually have one.
i’m 30, attractive, independent, confident, and have a successful job. I am the total package
That so? By whose standards? Because other than the attractive part, men don’t care much about these components you believe make you “the total package.”
We briefly touched on this in yesterday’s post. I have a feeling that most people are in the dark as to just how appealing and attractive the opposite sex finds them. I also think people are clueless as to the impressions they make on people that they meet. Independent, confident and successful, you say? I tend to ascribe to the “if you have to say it, you aren’t” philosophy. You might think you’re independent, but I’d bet many people see you as aloof, and that your confidence is regularly construed as abrasiveness. If you’re doing all these things trying to meet someone, and you’re such a catch, and you’re not meeting anybody, there’s a problem.
I am willing to give different guys a chance,
Well, that’s might gracious of you. What would you say if I told you that I bet some of those men are thinking the exact thing about you? You’re quite taken with yourself, and it shows. You’re not doing these men favors by agreeing to let them spend money on you. You realize that, don’t you?
However, I just haven’t met someone worth my time.
Slow down, Princess Grace. Worth your time? Orly? Do go on and explain to the class why your time is more valuable than another person’s time. I’ll wait here with my imaginary boyfriend Jeremy Renner.
There’s a great saying that I like and have uploaded as my Gmail avatar:
Nothing will impede someone’s ability to find a partner more than inordinate expectations, because usually those expectations are derived from a bunch of false ideas. They’ve created this image in their head of what it is all supposed to look like, all based on distorted perceptions and understandings of themselves and relationships.
The OP sees herself with someone specific, someone she considers to be on her level. The problem, of course, is that she’s probably not on that level.Few of us ever correctly assign ourselves an accurate desirability rating. Objectivity is often lacking. We completely exclude the most important part of the equation: how other people see us. Until someone accepts and understands that, they will struggle.
Somebody asked the other day how a person could determine their audience. I happen to think that this is an understanding that we develop over time and is based upon experience. The people who provide the least resistance and who actively and consistently demonstrate their interest is typically your audience.