You are here: Home / Archives for Dating In a Big City

Are You The Catch That You Think You Are?

April 30, 2013 by 45 Comments

Name: Sarahwonka
Comment: i’m 30, attractive, independent, confident, and have a successful job. I am the total package, but I can’t seem to attract the right guy for me. It seems that the guys I’m interested in aren’t interested in me and the ones I’m not interested in, like me. I’m actually trying to get over someone that I’m infatuated with, but I often find myself comparing every other guy I meet to him. The truth is I really want to be with him and no one else, but I’m several years older than him and I don’t know how he feels about me. Thusly, I’ve been trying to meet other guys in hopes  to get over the one I’m infatuated with. However, I just haven’t met someone worth my time. I want nothing to do with them and so far none of them have been my type. I am willing to give different guys a chance, but I typically leave the date at the end of the night relieved that it’s over and that I never want to see them again. I’ve tried speed dating, online dating, going out with friends, etc. But haven’t met anyone and it’s frustrating. I don’t know what to do or what I’m doing wrong. I feel like I’m being picky,  but I refuse to settle. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Age: 30
City: Boston
State: Ma

 

I don’t think you’re being picky. I think you’re fixated on someone that you can’t have and refuse to let him go. That’s what is holding you back. You’re not coming across as available.

You can put yourself out there in a multitude of ways, but if you’re not truly willing to give someone a chance, then you’re wasting everybody’s time. This guy you’re infatuated with? If he wanted to be with you, he would be. It’s that simple. Sitting around pining for something that will never come to fruition is counter-productive.

There’s nothing I can say that will get you un-stuck. You’re going to have to get there on your own. The last thing you want to do is continue to tell yourself how you’re trying and you’re being flexible, etc etc. You’re not. The solution to your non-problem is to finally confront and accept that you’re never going to have this younger guy. Ever. Time to start the grieving process of this relationship that never was.

You’re delaying the inevitable because you’d rather hold on to the idea of a relationship – no matter how fictitious – that actually have one.

i’m 30, attractive, independent, confident, and have a successful job. I am the total package

That so? By whose standards? Because other than the attractive part, men don’t care much about these components you believe make you “the total package.”

We briefly touched on this in yesterday’s post. I have a feeling that most people are in the dark as to just how appealing and attractive the opposite sex finds them. I also think people are clueless as to the impressions they make on people that they meet. Independent, confident and successful, you say? I tend to ascribe to the “if you have to say it, you aren’t” philosophy. You might think you’re independent, but I’d bet many people see you as aloof, and that your confidence is regularly construed as abrasiveness. If you’re doing all these things trying to meet someone, and you’re such a catch, and you’re not meeting anybody, there’s a problem.

I am willing to give different guys a chance,

Well, that’s might gracious of you. What would you say if I told you that I bet some of those men are thinking the exact thing about you? You’re quite taken with yourself, and it shows. You’re not doing these men favors by agreeing to let them spend money on you. You realize that, don’t you?

However, I just haven’t met someone worth my time.

Slow down, Princess Grace. Worth your time? Orly? Do go on and explain to the class why your time is more valuable than another person’s time. I’ll wait here with my imaginary boyfriend Jeremy Renner.

jeremy-renner-on-aussie-tv

There’s a great saying that I like and have uploaded as my Gmail avatar:

 

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our heads of how it’s supposed to be.

 

Nothing will impede someone’s ability to find a partner more than inordinate expectations, because usually those expectations are derived from a bunch of false ideas.  They’ve created this image in their head of what it is all supposed to look like, all based on distorted perceptions and understandings of themselves and relationships.

The OP sees herself with someone specific, someone she considers to be on her level. The problem, of course, is that she’s probably not on that level.Few of us ever correctly assign ourselves an accurate desirability rating. Objectivity is often lacking. We completely exclude the most important part of the equation: how other people see us. Until someone accepts and understands that, they will struggle.

Somebody asked the other day how a person could determine their audience. I happen to think that this is an understanding that we develop over time and is based upon experience. The people who provide the least resistance and who actively and consistently demonstrate their interest is typically your audience.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Understanding Men, Understanding Women, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do Men Consider Women In Their 40′s Relationship Material?

April 24, 2013 by 162 Comments

Name: NBKEYBOARDACCESS

Comment: Moxie,

I’m a 40 yo single woman who has usually had a boyfriend, hence, I just started online dating about 5 months ago. Needless to say, it has been a disappointing and discouraging experience. I’ve never proactively dated, so I’m on the naive side. I do look 6-10 years younger,(and yes, I know every girl says this, but I’m happy to attach pictures to confirm)and am often asked out by men in their late 20′s to early 30′s. I recognize that these men have no interest in a relationship, but I’m always up for a fun night so I occasionally go. When I first started online dating the endless parade of dates was fun and exciting, but it got exhausting fast. 80% of them were unattractive or incompatible, and the other 20% simply wanted a one night stand. Mind you, OKC was my site of choice.. so now I’m trying to limit myself to men who want more than a one night stand and to that end, will be upgrading from OKC to match.

My question to you is, what is the cutoff point? Do men in their late 30′s/early 40′s consider 40 year old women relationship material, or should I limit myself to 45+ yo men? As far as I know, if a male doesn’t want children, your age is a less important number than where you fall on the 1-10 scale of attractiveness, ie you’re only as old as you look.
Age: 40
City: Brooklyn
State: New York

and the other 20% simply wanted a one night stand.

I’m going to blown your mind right now. Ready? I will bet any amount of money that Mr. Relationship was part of that 20%. Here’s why I know that: because most women haven’t a clue as to how to determine whether a man is just looking to laid. Unless these men came out and told you they just wanted a one night stand, you have no evidence to back up your theory. All you have is years and years of crappy advice from your girlfriends. Something you’ll need to understand about men and dating now is that they prefer sex to happen sooner than later. If it doesn’t, or there’s too much challenge presented, these guys won’t think twice about Fading on you and looking elsewhere. Because they can. They have options that you don’t. So while these men in the 20% might have made a sexual comment or two or invited you back to their place, what I bet many were doing was testing the waters to see how you reacted. If you got uptight or defensive, they assigned you a high level of difficulty and mentally kicked you to the curb. I happen to think that the days of men judging women for having sex too soon are pretty much gone, save for the men here and there with the fragile egos.
My question to you is, what is the cutoff point? Do men in their late 30′s/early 40′s consider 40 year old women relationship material,

For the most part? No. Certainly not if they want children. But you’ll pursue them anyway, I’m sure because you’re convinced that you look young enough to be considered relationship material by them. That’s why you made it a point to mention your youthful appearance. You were setting up your defense. (And mind you, I wrote that part before I even read that last line.)

should I limit myself to 45+ yo men?

I don’t know if I would say that you should “limit” yourself to them. I think a better word is “focus.” You should direct your attention and efforts to meeting men in the 45+ range if you seek something committed and long term. If you seek a relationship, then you need to be looking at the Divorced Dad crowd and the guys in their mid/late forties to early fifties. Which isn’t a bad thing.

I don’t understand this whole thing about not wanting to date guys in their mid-forties. Yes, I know. You’re really active and fit and still dance like nobody’s watching, like when you were 25. You know what is the best thing about dating men 45 and older? They actually want you. Unlike those 38 year olds you’re hanging your hopes on who might date you for a few months until someone younger comes along. Because she will.

As far as I know, if a male doesn’t want children, your age is a less important number than where you fall on the 1-10 scale of attractiveness, ie you’re only as old as you look.

Nope. They pretty much still prefer younger women. The ones who are open to dating a woman of 40+ are in pretty high demand. If you want them, then be ready to go to the mattresses, because you will have stiff competition. Age trumps hotness, I’m afraid. Except with the younger guys. They just want to bang you for the story and experience.

I realize that this isn’t what you wanted to hear. But the fact is that you’ve had a string of boyfriends and nothing appears to have resulted in what you wanted. Or maybe it did and you’re just looking for a guy to date for a little while. I don’t know. What I know is that you’re now 40 and you’re doing what you can to find reasons why you can’t meet someone appropriate. It’s not OK Cupid’s fault. Welcome to dating at 40. Match isn’t going to be much different, especially if you try to get the guy in his thirties. This is what it’s like. You had 15+ years to find your Mr. Right. For whatever reason, none of those worked out in the way you wanted. Now you’re hoping that lightening will strike again.

The problem isn’t an algorithm or a website. You’re grappling with facing the reality that this is how dating is for you now. I’ve noticed that the women who return to the dating scene at some point in the last few years struggle the most. The dating landscape has changed and will continue to change change rapidly. It’s just..harder now. Especially for women our age. I’ve said this before: the 37-44 year old men in Manhattan and even Brooklyn aren’t looking for us. You’re going to have to branch out and start looking in Connecticut and New Jersey or even further. If you insist on local, then you have to channel your search and make yourself available to the 45-50 crowd. A lot of men 40-45 are still hanging on to the possibility of having children. Even if that pang to reproduce is faint, those guys are going to naturally seek out women they believe are of optimum child bearing age.

Dating isn’t like a vending machine. When the last Snickers bar is gone, the universe doesn’t magically put 10 more in your path. Your choice is to wait around for someone to come along and refill that option or select the Twizzler or Baby Ruth. Yeah, it’s not what you originally wanted. Someone came along before you and bought that Snickers before you could have a chance. That’s what it’s like to date at 40 in Manhattan or probably any other major city where there is an overage of single women to single men.

You can continue to pursue the late thirties to early forties guy. I’m not saying that getting one of them to commit is impossible. What you have to ask yourself is whether the frustration you will experience by holding out for them is worth your time. You also have to consider is whether or not you want to take those hits and run the risk of becoming less available and more impatient. There really is nothing more sad than listening to a woman in her mid-thirties and older complain about online dating and dating in general. The stench of bravado and remorse in her words is a pungent one.

 

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating Advice, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Over 40, Older Women/Younger Men, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Online Dating: How Much Rejection Is Normal?

March 31, 2013 by 37 Comments

Name: Maria
Age: 35
City: Brooklyn
State: NY
Comment: Hi, I am wondering if what happens to me is “normal” in the dating world here in NYC.  I am 35, on OKC and I get asked out a lot.  I meet an average of 3 guys per week, which some would consider lucky.  I think I would feel lucky if all I wanted was to go to countless dates with men that 98% of the time I never hear back from.  Is this normal? Do other women experience what I take as rejection??

 

3 dates a week doesn’t sound abnormal for OK Cupid. It’s a free website. As many people have mentioned in previous threads, OKC attracts a number of time wasters. That site is heavily populated by folks not terribly interested in anything beyond attention or a casual relationship. Hence why you’re getting so much action. I’m going to guess that you’re a quantity over quality person. You go out with pretty much everyone who asks because you like feeling so in demand. OK Cupid is like a fun house mirror in that it provides a distorted view of our desirability and attractiveness. Hate to be the bearing of bad news, but let’s just say that that site isn’t known for attracting men who are terribly picky.

I highly doubt that the majority of men you’re meeting on OK Cupid are actually looking for a relationship.  Getting dates with OKC is beyond easy. Getting quality dates is much, much harder. Many of those guys are taking you out in the hopes of hooking up. When that doesn’t happen they just move on. That would explain a good portion of the rejection that you are experiencing.

The other contributing factor is probably that you’re disappointing these men somehow. Either your profile is too good and full of embellishments or..dun dun DUN! you don’t look like your photos.

While it’s not abnormal to have many one off first dates that lead no where, it is atypical to have that many not lead to a second date. So something is off. Whomever you present online is not translating offline. You should be getting more men following up if you’re having 3 dates a week. So, in addition to meeting a lot of one and doners,  it’s either an issue of inaccurate photos or you’re just not terrible interesting/engaging. That’s something that a lot of people don’t consider. Everybody thinks they “rock” first dates. Few people actually do. Every person I’ve ever known or heard of who was booking multiple online dates every week always, to me, seemed to have something “off” about them. Either they seemed burnt out on the process or over-anxious or completely desensitized to the process. I think 2 dates a week with two different people is pushing it. More than that and you’re just overloading your mental hard drive. People assume because they get so many dates or have so many people eager to commit to them that that actually means what they think it means. A lot of times it doesn’t. You’d be surprised what people will do and say just to get sex on the regs. Or at all.

I don’t know how to say this without some people feeling as though I am trying to crush their spirit. Dating in Manhattan or in any city where there is an overage of single women to single men is tough. Trying to date in Manhattan as a woman in her mid to late thirties and older is brutal. As harsh as this sounds, the odds are just against us. My suggestion to you, OP, as well as to all the other women in your age range and above is to branch out. Way out. Like Boston or Connecticut or Philadelphia. Or maybe even further. We are just not in demand here. I’m not saying that you should completely count out the men where you live. I’m suggesting that you widen the net.

I will also advise any woman over 35 that is looking for a relationship to rely more heavily on the paid dating sites. Use OK Cupid, as it’s a great way to get dates and get out. Who knows, you might strike gold. But if you really want something serious, OK Cupid is just not the place to go. You are up against it on that site, competing with a lot of women in the same boat.

As for the guys who struggle, all the whining and sad sackery has to stop. Get off the angry man forums. Many of you sound like the 98 pound weakling who just had sand kicked in his face at beach. If you want a certain type of woman, you need to up your game. That means dressing and sounding the part. You can say all you like how unfair it is that women don’t like nice stable guys but deep down you know that’s not true. They just don’t want you. It’s time for you to stop listening to all the other losers at love and break free from that pack. Maybe it would serve you well to look elsewhere, too. Either that or suck it up and accept that your $10 first date policy isn’t cutting it. Time to break open the wallet and pull yourself together. Congrats, you stay in shape or you’re pretty or you have a job. Whoopee. You’re hardly unique. If you want people to notice you or take you seriously you have to present yourself in a certain way.

If you’re surrounded by people who bring more to the table, and at any given time you probably are, then you need to either up your game in some way and/or go where people want what you can offer. If you aren’t willing to do either, then you need to accept the reality of your situation quickly and learn to adapt.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Over 40, OKCupid, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Rejection Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Sex & Vulnerability: How Much Is Too Much And What Are The Risks?

March 14, 2013 by 39 Comments

So, this article went up on The Frisky today and my head exploded.

 

We were fucking, he pulled out of me, and I saw his sperm on my pubic hair. ”You just came inside me?” I said, panicked. “Why didn’t you tell me first?” I hadn’t consented to him doing that. And I wouldn’t have consented to it had he announced he was going to come instead of just silently going ahead and doing it.

“Aren’t you on the pill?” he replied by way of response.

“No, I’m not on the pill,” I said.

He looked at me pained. “I just came inside a girl who is not on the pill?”

“Yeah, you did. Why didn’t you ask me if I was on it if you were going to come inside me? I thought you were going to pull out.”

“I just assumed you would be on it.”

Okay. What is this fuckery?

I’ll only briefly touch on the kink aspect to this story. Whether two people are engaging in kink or good o’ missionary vanilla sex, there are always risks involved with going home with someone you don’t know very well. Hell, there’s risks all around at various stages of a relationship. I have a friend who went home with a guy she met on Match. They were having sex and – out of nowhere – he slapped her across the face. It wasn’t as harsh as it sounds. He was obviously testing the waters since they had discussed their mutual interest in kink. Her initial reaction was shock and then anger. The guy quickly apologized and said he thought she had said she had experience with that and liked it. There was not another date.

Since I’ve made my opinions of first date sex quite clear, it should come as no surprise to any of you that I’ve had sex on a first date. I have been lucky that I have never experienced anything like what my friend or Jessica experienced. I could go on about my insight and intuition and all that, but nothing is ever fail-proof. I have been lucky. When I have delved into kinkier activities, it has always been with someone I have been dating – casually or seriously – for a significant amount of time. I mentioned the Too Many Cocks guy, yes? I made it quite clear that I had no intention of fulfilling whatever desire he had with someone I barely knew. There was no second date.

Communication is a key part of sex and intimacy. You can never take it upon yourself to believe that you know exactly what a person’s boundaries are or that you and they are on the same page. You need to ask and you need to listen and you need to respect said boundaries. That applies to hook ups on the first date or ones that happen after dating several months. I’ve frequently questioned Jessica’s actual experience level with BDSM and kink. To me, it sounds like she was with someone who had more experience than she did. You can never assume that you and your partner have even close to similar sexual histories. These things need to be talked about before you try something new.

And at some point in the evening as the pain he was inflicting on me hurt worse and worse, I used his safeword: “Pineapple!” He stopped spanking me, like he should have. We did other things. But later on that night, he started smacking my butt again. I felt so sensitive there that I wasn’t enjoying it — it wasn’t “good pain.” Come to find out the next day when I looked in a mirror, I had a constellation of small bruises all over my ass: three on one butt check and one on another. Because of the position he had been holding me in, this man most certainly saw those bruises. My safewording should have been the indicator to ease up the

Jessica is demonizing this guy, and after reading the piece a few times, I’m not sure why. Initially I read this and felt the guy was disregarding her stated boundaries. Then I read it again. And again. When she asked him to stop, he stopped. They engaged in a brief exchange about their individual definitions and uses for a safeword, and that’s somehow construed as violating her. That was a conversation they should have had before they even took their clothes off. Then she stayed overnight because..wait for it…she wanted to have sex with him? What the whating what?  It was written as though the guy was trying to somehow coerce her, and I’m not sure that’s what actually happened.

For the people who will say things like, “This is why you don’t have sex on a first date!!” I’ll just say this: I think it’s precious that you think that renting space on the moral high ground means anything to anyone other than you.

Now for the other issue concerning birth control. I was really livid as I read the exchange Jessica had with this guy after he ejaculated inside of her. I do not agree – at all – that it’s the man’s job to ask if a woman is on The Pill. I think both people are supposed to take a breath and exchange some vital information such as testing history, relationship status, who has condoms and what other birth control methods are being used. While the guy was an ass – and an obvious idiot – I don’t think it’s fair to paint him as The Bad Guy in this particular part of the situation. I’m actually shocked that an adult male would make any assumptions about birth control given the possible consequences. Guys, allow me to clear something up: regardless of whether a woman says she can’t get pregnant or it’s a safe time or whatever, wrap it up. While she may genuinely believe these things, nothing is 100%. Don’t use any opportunity to go without a condom. And definitely don’t blame the woman should something actually happen. You were there, too. Not every woman is out to trap you so they can get a piece of your $150K a year salary.

Then, of course, there’s the STD factor, which I know a lot of people are going to address, so I won’t bother.

Finally, there’s the question of why she ever revealed any of this at all. The issues of boundaries once again rears its head. No, she’s not brave or raw or honest. That’s something else women need to stop. Writing this was foolish. Now that I’m getting work writing for other sites, I realize how popular and in demand the personal essay/narrative type pieces are. You can write such stories and self-edit and still offer a take away value without making yourself so vulnerable.  I wish we’d stop encouraging women to reveal so much before they’re truly emotionally mature enough to handle the possible fall out.

The biggest issue for me concerning this post – and frankly most posts that women bloggers write about their love and sex lives – is the total lack of accountability in the outcome. Yes, a lot of them acknowledge that they made mistakes. But then, just as quickly, they remind the reader of how awful the guy is. You know. Just in case they forgot. It’s almost always 100% exclusively the guy’s fault in every aspect. If a woman has a rocky dating history or struggles to keep a guy interested, it’s never because she makes bad choices. It’s because the men “tripped her up.” While we have all, at one time or another, willfully chosen to ignore red flags, there’s only so many times you can do that before your judgment comes in to question. One commonality that I notice in all of these articles is the air of experience these women try to convey, yet at the same time by sharing so much they actually reveal how inexperienced they really are.

I’m so tired of this passive role so many women are willing to take when it comes to their love lives. Everything appears to happen to them, implying that they don’t have any control or say in how things work out. They’re victims of men, yet they’re still empowered and self-sufficient and refuse to settle and have standards, dammit.

Sorry, but you ladies simply can’t keep trying to have it both ways, if for no other reason than you’re inevitably going to lose out on the very thing you claim to want. If everybody keeps passing you by and getting closer and closer to their goal while you sit there struggling, it’s not fate or destiny. It’s you.

 

 

SHAMELESS PLUG: Check out an essay I wrote for The Gloss. I’m actually quite proud of, as it discusses how my opinions of being single vs. being married have evolved over the past year. Like it, Tweet it & comment..please?

Can You Be Single And Still “Be Alive?”

Share
Filed Under: Article Roundup, Birth Control, casual sex, Dating & Trust, Dating Blogger Drama, Dating In a Big City, First Date Sex, Kinky, Online Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Dating & Stereotypes: What’s Your Learning Curve?

March 7, 2013 by 25 Comments

Name: David
Comment: Hi Moxie, I recall you mentioned that as a dating blogger you have difficulties finding suitable mates.

How about being a psychologist? I had great conversations and wonderful first dates until I revealed (when asked for my occupation and education) that I am a psychologist with a PhD.

In addition, even before revealing the above, when I say to City dates that I live on Staten Island, it seems to be the end of the encounter, either in person (e.g. speed dating) or on a dating site. I am fit, attractive, and own a car.

Your advice?
Thanks.
Age: 44
City: Staten Island
State: NY

 

There are two separate issues here.

Let;s tackle the non-problem of your career. My ex is a psychologist. Personally, I loved being with someone who not only appreciated and understood my need to analyze things, but encouraged it. However, I can see why some people might find that intimidating. As I said in a recent post, no matter what you do for a living, there is going to be somebody out there who will not date you because of it. If anything you should use your job as a filter of some kind to help you determine compatibility.

Yep, some people won’t date me because of what I do and some people only want to date me because what I do. That’s life. I think the problem is that people mature believing that they have far more options than they actually do.  There will always be stereotypes and biases applied to us that cause us to be pursued, judged or dismissed. Lawyers deal with it. Finance people deal with it. Fireman deal with it. If someone recoils or stops showing interest once you reveal what you do for a living, it’s because they are either intimidated or ignorant themselves, as they live their lives basing decisions on stereotypes. If they aren’t even willing to give you a chance, they’re not worth your time.

Speaking of stereotypes, let’s tackle the second issue in your letter. Unfortunately, inhabitants of Staten Island are typically perceived as simple and boorish. There’s another issue in this specific scenario because many people tend to envision the “typical” Staten Island resident to be Italian and to possess the “typical” personality traits of Italian people i.e. loud and ignorant. (Please watch A Bronx Tale. The Robert Deniro character is also an example of the “typical” Italian male. Quiet but strong, hard working and devoted to family. We’re not all loud-mouth and violent gangsters with mob ties. Kthanxs.)

The other problem is that you live outside of the city. I dread bringing this up as it will just arouse and awaken all the whiny dudes in Queens who like to cry elitist. Boo hoo. You have to understand, OP, that people who attend an event in Manhattan or any other major city want to meet people who live in that particular city. Not Queens or Long Island or Astoria.They don’t want to deal with the commute and all the stress that comes with it.  On the opposite end of this expectation are the people who live in Jersey and Queens who attend Manhattan events and get upset because they didn’t meet a bunch of Patrick Batemans and Mr. Bigs. They, too, struggle to find someone suitable.

The trouble with relying so heavily on stereotypes is that, while there usually is a layer of validity to the stereotype, the image and assumptions constructed are not based on reality. They are usually an extension of our personal opinions and desires. What hinders dating most is the unreasonable expectations that we have the tendency to develop based on ideas we have in our head.

I’ll never forget meeting a guy on OKC. In one of our pre-date conversations, I gave him the link to this web site. He took a tour and read dozens of posts. In his search he came across one of the password protected posts. He emailed me and asked for access to the post entitled “Too Many Cocks.” I assumed he made a typo, as the post was actually entitled, ‘Too Many Cooks.” Suffice to say that this guy had assumed I was some kind of Slutty OKC Unicorn -attractive, intelligent, sexual and interested in extreme sexual acts. When I wasn’t as “open” as he thought I would be, he balked. All it took was to read a blog title too quickly to cause him to manufacture an image of me in his mind that did not exist.

Equally counter-productive is to look at a photo and assume that you’ll be meeting someone who looks exactly like that picture. As a good friend once commented, a photo is nothing more than a moment in time.You can’t expect someone to appear or behave exactly like how you assumed (or hoped) they would because of a couple of one-dimensional representations. There needs to be a learning curve of sorts. If you dismiss someone because you have a specific idea of how they should look or act and most people don’t meet that image, you’re shooting yourself in the foot.

My advice, David, is this: If you want to date a woman who lives in the city, move to the city. Either that or accept the fact that where you live and what you do will be used against you and will thereby limit your options. Just keep in mind that everybody’s options are limited. Your assumption that other people have it easier is false. Pretty much everybody struggles to meet someone. It’s the people who accept that their audience is smaller that experience the least frustration and has more success.

 

Share
Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating In a Big City Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Are City Singles More Attractive Than Suburb Singles?

February 28, 2013 by 51 Comments

Name: Chris
City: Nutley
State: NJ
Comment: Any ideas on how to meet single girls in the suburbs? I don’t meet anyone through my job and the people I meet in the different activities I try, like co-ed sports, are already in a relationship. Then the only ones who are interested in me on the dating websites are the overweight women – which is the exact opposite of me. I’m athletic and active. Also, I’m white, and it seems like women of other races are interested in me, but white women are not. I don’t get it.
Age: 35

 

My opinion is that, if you can’t find anybody online that you want to date, you’re probably not going to find them offline, either. When you use online dating you are literally surrounded by single, eligible people. If you go to a bar or a sports group or some other activity that isn’t singles related, you have no idea who is available. With online dating, you do. If you can’t manage to find or attract anybody to your liking when you’re online, there’s a disconnect. It all comes down to perception. If you go around thinking that there’s nobody out there to your liking, you probably won’t ever find them. So the first thing you need to do is change your attitude.

Then the only ones who are interested in me on the dating websites are the overweight women – which is the exact opposite of me.

When you say overweight, what exactly do you mean? Like, severely overweight or, like, 10 or 20 pounds overweight? Because if you’re one of those people who refuses to date someone even slightly overweight, you should really just stay home. You should also take a reality pill. Unless you are objectively hot, you don’t get to insist upon only dating women of a certain body type. If you can’t manage to meet or find anybody to you liking anywhere, you’re either too picky or not as attractive/engaging as you think. It’s that simple. Someone slightly over weight (to you) can still be quite healthy and fit. I’m a size 10. I probably weigh about 155-160 pounds. I do intervals/run 3-4 times a week and, for the most part, stick to a diet of 1400 calories a day. I’ve had doctors comment on my immune system, my heart and my lungs. I have great skin and hair. Someone not a size 4 or 6 can be fit and healthy. Some people just don’t have the genetic make up that allows them to be a smaller size. Please don’t say that women with some extra weight aren’t healthy and that’s why you won’t date them, as fitness is really important to you, because that’s crap. You want a thin woman. That’s fine. You’re allowed to have your type. Just don’t justify it with a bunch of BS.   Also? Based on your other admission about never hearing from white women, you just might be a tad ignorant. Preferring to date someone of a certain race is one thing. Expressing it as you did is another.  That is suburbanite simplicity at work. I’ve said this many times before, the City Single mentality is very different from the Suburb Single mentality. There is a simpleness to people that live in suburbs that people who live in cities simply can not jibe with.

The slender and in shape women you seek? They’re going for guys in Manhattan. And they’re getting them. They’re not looking for Suburb Guy. They want City Guy. I’m going to throw this little theory out there. I think City Singles are more attractive mentally and physically than Suburb Singles.  City Singles are more concerned with their looks because they are surrounded by other attractive people. Walking down the street in a major city is a constant reminder that there is always someone younger, richer and hotter. Hence why people in the city tend to pay more attention to the external. We are always being exposed to what else is out there and are starkly aware of who our competition is.

If meeting someone fit and active is important to you, then you have to create a dating profile that makes that clear. You need to discuss, without going over board, how you stay active and healthy. You should post pictures of you involved in activities or outdoors. You’re never going to be able to prevent people who aren’t your type from contacting you. You have to just accept that pretty much everybody online thinks they’re better looking than they are or are willing to throw a bunch of darts at a dartboard. That’s online dating. If you can invent a filter that will stop messages from people you don’t find attractive from hitting your inbox, email me. Until then, you just have to accept that online dating involves slogging through a lot of people that don’t interest you. There is no avoiding that.

I would not make any kind of statement in your profile about only wishing to meet women of a certain race or ethnicity. That makes you sound ignorant and possibly racist. Same goes for including a disclaimer in your profile that you only wish to hear from petite/slender/slim women. You’ll end up turning off a large majority of the people you wish to meet.

Chris, if you only wish to date slender women, my suggestion to you is to look towards Manhattan.I believe you are more likely to meet a slender, fit and active women in Manhattan than you will in Nutley, New Jersey. Go ahead. Flame me and call me an elitist. You’ll hardly be the first.

As for why so many women of color contact you, I’ll leave that up to women and men who fall in to that category to offer insights.

Share
Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Weight, Dating In a Big City, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

She’s Just Not That Into You, Bro

February 21, 2013 by 43 Comments

Name: Mark
Age: 31
State: CA
Question: Super Responsive but No Initiation Whatsoever

Hey there, love your column and would also love your advice on something.

I recently went out on a few dates with this girl who I met a few months ago.  We met at a bar in LA and she actually gave me her number without me asking.  We texted a bit back and forth and finally decided to meet up.  She lives in a suburb of LA so our commutes were a bit of a pain, but we managed over the course of the past 2 months to have 3 really nice dates, spaced out in 2 week intervals on Saturday nights.  Nice places, great times, and impromptu post-dinner visits to bars and even a random comedy show.

Now I’d like to think I’m a guy that “generally” gets when a girl is into me and when she’s not.  I’m not like a lot of the guys that write to you complaining about women and the plight of the dating world.  I had a great time with her and I do want to see her again.  And I forgot to mention, all 3 dates we ended out making out/necking/petting and sometimes dancing in public but never going back to each other’s places (the commute issue).  I also left each of those dates pretty happy about how things went.

If you’re of the belief that most people exhibit rational behavior when dating, to not only advance their own interests but make the other party know what they’re thinking/feeling without saying it, then this girl would be the exception.  She was super sweet, cool, classy, and respectful during the 3 dates, and is a relatively successful career woman and well educated.  Nothing in her behavior indicated anything to the contrary.   However, there’s been one problem: while she is very responsive to all of my contact, she has never once initiated anything.  No text, call, email, anything.  I feel like if I never reached out I’d never hear from her again.  Once I do reach out, boom, I plan a date and we’re all set.

After our 3rd date, a few issues came up with our schedules and we haven’t been able to set it up for something more.  Every time I’m free, she’s not, and vice versa.  But every time this is even decided, it’s me reaching out.  (I’m a text guy, not a call guy).  As I got more confused, I decided to wait several days without contacting her.  Still nothing.  Then I sent her a text, and she sends a flirty response within 2 minutes.  Bunch of flirting back and forth.  Then I say we should hang out this coming weekend. “I can’t next few weeks but definitely at some point.”

I’m just not used to behavior like this so I don’t know how to read it.  Not interested? Just very aloof? Has a bf so thinks she can ‘back pocket’ me? Leading me on, but getting what out of it? I definitely dont text her every day, sometimes going almost a week, and never more than a few back and forths, so it can’t just be for attention.

At this point I’m just kind of exhausted.  It’d be nice to go out again, but I don’t know if I can deal with this kind of contact style for the foreseeable future.  I also haven’t mentioned any of this to her because it’ll come off as needy.  I think it’s a little bit like your passive aggressive email article, but we’ve been on 3 dates and given the flirtiness and responsiveness I don’t see this as a “pissing contest”.  If it’s a ploy to get me more attracted it’s not working, it’s just confusing.  On the other hand if she’s not interested, she should just stop responding and let it run its natural course by fizzling it out.

 

I’m leaning towards thinking she’s not terribly interested. The commute, as you said, is somewhat of a pain and it’s not like you two can just pop by each other’s apartment’s or make last minute plans. You’re fun to hang out with when she has nothing better to do. As I’ve always said, if both parties want sex, they have it, distance or lack of condoms be damned.

If her schedule is so busy that she can’t make time for you for two weeks, that’s a pretty good indication of how she feels about you. That’s actually  polite way of telling you she’s moderately interested at best. That’s how a lot of people handle these types of situations. Will she hang out with you if she doesn’t get a better offer? Sure. She’s not repulsed by you. My guess is the distance isn’t ideal so she’s keeping you on her roster, as some people are wont to do. She’s not totally ready to dismiss you, as she might have a dating dry spell. But she’s not going to move mountains to get together with you. Her message is mixed and inconsistent. She’s busy…but she totally still wants to get together. You’re right. That’s exhausting to try and decipher let alone deal with on a regular basis.

I think a lot of women tend to believe that the man is supposed to initiate contact and be the one to make plans. That’s a test to see just how interested the man is. The funny thing is, a woman doesn’t even have to be all that interested in a man to make them pass this test. It’s all about the ego stroke. The making out and petting are just empty gestures, much like the post-sex for the first time text or paying a tab. They are things men and women do because they know it’s expected and will grease the wheels of progress, so to speak. If she wanted you, really desired you, she’d have jumped you by now or made it quite clear she wanted to have sex with you.

She’s just not that into you, brah.

 

Share
Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating In a Big City, Geographically Undesirable, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Can Someone Be The One After One Date?

February 11, 2013 by 26 Comments

Name: Denny Laine
Age: 44
State: New York City
Question: I have a minor question regarding our favorite holiday: Valentine’s Day. I had a great first date last week with someone I met online. She could possibly be “the one” for me. We hit it off on the phone, hit it off in person, and since then we’ve been constantly texting and e-mailing. We made plans to see each other again on Wednesday. I had suggested hanging out Thursday not realizing it was Valentine’s Day. She said Wednesday would be better for her so we agreed. I realize that flowers and love letters and being Valentine’s might be too soon after just one date. But at the same time I want to somehow acknowledge it, that VD is the next day because there’s a good chance we can become a long term couple. I have some ideas. Or should I just let it pass and wait for next year? Any thoughts from anyone?

 

Ok. You need to slow down, Captain. First, let’s revisit your history a little, shall we?

This question was submitted by you:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2011/10/26/is-he-too-nice-thats-why-he-cant-get-a-2nd-date/

And this one:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2013/01/12/how-to-tell-if-theyre-a-dating-liability/

And this one:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2011/09/28/guest-post-cock-blocked/

And here is a recent comment from you from last month.

Denny, you have only had one date with this woman. It seems like you get ridiculously invested with every woman with whom you have a decent first date. If you asked this woman to get together on Thursday aka Valentine’s Day and she said Wednesday works better, she’s telling you she feels it would be weird for you two to have your second date on Valentine’s Day. Which, sorry to say, is not  a good sign. She’s turning down the opportunity to tell people she has a date on Valentine’s Day. Many women live for that shit. So you have to ask yourself why she doesn’t want to get together on Thursday.She either is not on the same page as you or has another date. Neither of which bode well for you. These are the things you need to learn to deduce so that you can gauge where you stand and appropriate expectations.

It’s hard to navigate a situation like this. You don’t want to come off too detached or disinterested, but you also don’t want to give the impression that you might skin a woman and wear her as a suit. Right now, you’re tip toeing in skin her and wear her as a suit territory. You’re already considering V-Day 2014. Sorry, but that’s a little scary.

If she wanted you to acknowledge the upcoming holiday, she’d have accepted the V-Day date. I’m sorry to say this so bluntly (no I’m not) but I’m guessing she’s not as into you as you think. If you push the V-Day idea, this woman will back off. I’m going to speculate that you’re coming on too strong and it’s making her uncomfortable. I’m also going to throw out there that you do this a lot, which is why you have such trouble keeping a woman around. I have told you before that I feel you come off weak and needy. Those are two things that will automatically get you friend zoned and blown off. You need to learn how not to get so attached and invested so quickly. It’s not healthy.

You’ve been out with this person ONCE. You have NO IDEA if there is any substantive long term potential. I think you’re so used to being blown off early that you haven’t had enough experience with the early dating process. What you need to do is detach a bit. Go back online and find someone else and start engaging them. Do anything you can to distract you from thinking about this woman if only to temper what has to be perceived by women as too interested. Do not acknowledge Valentine’s Day in any way other than maybe in passing via a text conversation that day. But don’t start that conversation off with “Happy V-Day!” You’ll send her a text the morning after your date and say, “Hey, had fun last night. How about we meet up on Xday for whatever.” She will either reply and say yes or no. If she says yes, then make plans. Then and only them, as you’re signing off, wish her a Happy Valentine’s Day.  You can’t make a big deal of this. You just can’t. If she acts all schmoopy woopy with you on that second date, then maybe you can send her a cute e-card the next day. But that’s it. You should not be spending any money on this or making it into a production.

Denny, the pattern here with you is clear. You get too invested and likely give off a really off putting vibe. You have to become more self-aware and pay more attention to what I can only assume a glaring red flags of moderate interest from these women. You’re pinning all your hopes on every single woman who shows interest. I realize how great it feels to feel like someone is out there thinking about you or that you some how matter to someone. That can be intoxicating, especially if you go a long time without it. But you have to understand that things that are said and done in those early stages are either disingenuous or done without any real thought. People can get caught up, or they like the attention or they’re just otherwise insensitive and thoughtless.

It all means nothing until it means something. Please try to remember that.

Share
Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating 2.0, Dating Advice, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Realities, Dating Skills Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Moxie 101: After 35, You Just Don’t Get To Be So Picky

February 6, 2013 by 63 Comments

Name: JaneF
Age: 45
State: FL
Question: I find it impossible to meet anyone of quality. I’ve tried online, offline, inline, outtaline, you name it.
I’m slender, pretty, and fun, over 40 but playful and ‘young’ for my age and not attracted to anyone 50+ or 250lbs+  (I’ve tried!). I’m friendly, smiley, attractive, smart and get attention from men…it’s me who doesn’t like them, not the opposite.I’m friendly, smiley, attractive, smart and get attention from men…it’s me who doesn’t like them, not the opposite.
Yeah, I have “baggage” (who doesn’t?) – I’m divorced, gainfully employed, and share custody of the two most amazing, happy, delightful kids imaginable -we’re very close, but they are 1 year away from leaving home and I am looking for a true love to share my life with. I’ve been divorced for ages, and looking for 4 years since losing my long-term BF (no, there’s no chance of reconciliation- he’s engaged- to someone with no kids).

I see so many red flags when dating someone new and have come to the conclusion I’m just a bad “fit” for men here (FL) who are used to flashy, shallow golddiggers who throw themselves at man, and just expect the same from me. (again, the “fit” issue) I expect courtship and old-fashioned romance, but that’s gone the way of the dinosaur. I see some of my friends’ husbands are good guys, but I’ve not met any single guys of strong character (and I’m not interested in stealing someone else’s man, I have a strict moral code).

I’ve tried meetup. Grocery stores. Bookstores. Asking friends to fix me up. Social media. You name it. That saying “all the good ones are taken” is absolutely true. (Or gay). Ok, so tell me I’m wrong, or that there is something I can do differently and get a different result. I’m open to and appreciate gentle suggestions – just don’t beat me up – I’m fragile and sensitive ;) I’d even relocate if I met the perfect guy, which is something I’d never consider til now (now that the kids are grown).

I’m convinced there’s a better place where men are honest, faithful, spiritual, respectful, smart and sexually attractive – it’s called Oz. Just kidding. Am I on crack, or does a place like this exist – do I just have to drastically lower my standards and date men I don’t even respect or give it up and retire an old maid?

 

I’m slender, pretty, and fun, over 40 but playful and ‘young’ for my age and not attracted to anyone 50+ or 250lbs+  (I’ve tried!).

Try harder. You’re 45. Your target age range, if you’re looking for a long term relationship, is roughly 47-57. Yes, you’re going to have to make some concessions if you seek a committed relationship. I’m sorry to seem curt, but I simply can’t keep answering letters like this. I can’t. I can’t keep saying that you need to choose wisely when you get married or when you commit to someone. I can’t keep saying that fewer men are committing and therefore you need to refocus your energies and re-evaluate these so-called standards you have.

It’s not that all the good ones are taken. It’s that all the good ones you want are either taken or don’t want you. There. Fixed that for you. There are plenty of great guys out there who seek a relationship with a 45 year old divorcee with kids. Unfortunately for you, they all fall under your undesirable category. Yes, you’re going to lower your drastically out of whack standards. Sorry, but that’s your only recourse here. That and get a more accurate perception of what your value is in your particular market. 45. Divorced. With kids. If you seek a serious relationship, you’re probably going to have more luck focusing on the Divorced Dad market. Guys your age or a couple years old who don’t have children don’t have them for a reason: they don’t want them. They also don’t want to take on the added responsibility of being financially responsible for another man’s children. Yes. I know. That wouldn’t be the case. Unfortunately, many men won’t believe you. And let’s be honest…that wouldn’t be entirely true. At some point, if you and a man get serious, he will be shelling out money for your kids in some way.

I am looking for a true love to share my life with

But…you already had a true love. That guy you married, remember? Weren’t you going to have true love with him and share your life with him? What happened there and what makes you think that a) you deserve another shot at it and b) you’ll be any better at it the next time around? Look, you might be everything you say you are. A catch and a half. That’s not the issue. The issue is this entitlement you appear to feel about how every lid has a pot, etc. You might have to settle for great companionship. It’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth.

As for whether or not you should give up, that’s a personal choice. I do think you’ll need to make changes. Maybe that includes moving or maybe that involves lowering your standards. I don’t know. If you’re using all these mediums and outlets to try and meet someone and nothing is working, obviously changes need to be made.

Whatever you do, you need to confront this fear you have of ending up alone. Because..you might. Dating just so you can alleviate this fear of dying alone in your home and having cats eat your face off rarely ends well.

 

Share
Filed Under: Dating 2.0, Dating Advice, Dating After Divorce, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Humblebrag Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Moxie 101: There’s No Such Thing As Having Sex Too Soon

February 4, 2013 by 13 Comments

Name: Marie
Age: 45
State: Florida
Question: I went out on a first date and really connected to this guy. I broke all my rules…I drank too much, slept with him (letting the wild girl come out-which I have never done). He only texted me a few times and called once. He said he wants to get together again but working a lot. After almost 3 weeks I had a drink and sexted him!! He did not sex back except to say he is getting horny and will see me soon. I am embarrassed. If I was dating me I would say yikes..she is too wild and only wants sex. I am not normally like this, so should I apologize and explain who I normally am ( a good, caring, mature, responsible, not party animal kinda of girl) or do I just stop texting and if he does text or call just not defend myself?

Photo Credit – roblang.photoshelter.com

 

If I was dating me I would say yikes..she is too wild and only wants sex.

That’s because you’re a woman. A guy wouldn’t find your desire to have sex a bad thing. You’re thinking like a woman. The fact that you care what he thinks means you’re not just in it for the sex. You made a decision and now you’re all in your head because you’ve been trained to believe that women who have sex too soon are slutty and bad and blah blah blah . He’s not not seeing you because you were so “wild” in bed.He’s not seeing you because he has options. Either that or he was never terribly interested in the first place and took the sex you offered him.

I went out on a first date and really connected to this guy.

That was your first mistake. Had you and this guy genuinely connected, you wouldn’t have needed to sext him. He isn’t treating you like a booty call option because you had omigod “wild” sex with him.  You didn’t disrupt true love’s design and now it’s going to come to get you like some rom com version of Final Destination. That connection was in your head. That you’re still believing that you and this guy had a connection is the real problem. The only time you should be having sex with a guy on the first, second, third whatever date is if you’re perfectly okay with the possibility that you might never get anything more than that from him. The sex should never be used to as a bartering chip. That’s not to say that you won’t ever get more than sex. You just can’t use sex for anything other than personal pleasure if you wish to avoid what it is that you’re feeling right now.

Women like to imagine that there was some magical connection between themselves and a guy so they can justify doing exactly what you did. You wanted to have sex. That’s it. That’s why you’re remembering that date the way you are. It’s selective recall. You are embarrassed at what you did and are now choosing to see that date as something that it wasn’t.

The real question is…why did you want to have sex? Was it because you were horny and you like sex? Ehh…I’m guessing no. More likely, you thought showing him how “wild” you were in bed was going to make him like you more and keep you interested. If you just wanted to have sex you wouldn’t care a whit what he was thinking about you or whether he was judging you. That’s what sexual empowerment is all about: making a choice, owning it and never apologizing for it. Don’t you dare send that guy a text and explain yourself. You don’t owe him or anybody else an explanation or apology. Not only that but doing that will make you way too vulnerable. If he wasn’t using you before, he sure as hell will once you back pedal on your decision to have sex with him. Never let a man or woman know they’ve got you on the ropes.

 After almost 3 weeks I had a drink and sexted him!!

And? You didn’t beat a school bus full of kids with a sack of puppies. The only thing you did wrong was try to use the promise of sex to get attention from a man. That’s what makes what you did awkward. That just doesn’t work. Sure, you might get a response, but more often than not the guy sees that bone that you’re offering as a trap. Most men know that when a woman offers sex, and just sex, there’s usually some strings attached. That’s why many men don’t take that bait.

I’ve explained this before…despite what your friends might tell you, men like slutty women. Slutty is okay. Men date slutty women. Men marry slutty women. But there’s slutty and then there’s…slutty. The former is a woman who likes sex and has it when she wants without giving much care for what the man or her friends or society might think if they knew. That’s the key. If they knew. The latter type of slutty are the women who broadcast or otherwise use their sexuality to get attention or validation.  Those women are liabilities. They’re usually insecure or damaged in some way and use sex to fill a void.

Leave it alone. This situation isn’t right for you. You’re way too in your head and second guessing yourself. It won’t end well. He’s clearly not terribly interested in you, so just file that one away and learn from the experience. Do not do what so many women do and tell yourself that you somehow screwed up your chance at finding a boyfriend. The sex had nothing to do with it. He was never going to be your boyfriend.

 

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
Filed Under: casual sex, Date Like a Man, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, Last Night's Column, Moxie 101, Moxie Rant, Sex, Sexting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
«Older Posts