Name:Deena
State: Illinois
Age: 31
Comment: I am a woman who loves cooking, traveling, art, home decorating, sports (watching and playing), wine, and cultural and educational events.  I am a good friend, daughter, sister and volunteer with many different organizations.  I’m often told that I’m sexy; I have a model’s frame and my best asset is my smile. But more importantly, I am a good person and practice the ‘treat others the way I want to be treat’ mantra. I’ve had great relationships that just ran it’s course and don’t have any baggage. In fact, I have a friendly relationship with almost all of my exes.  Here’s the problem: I’m unemployed.  I’ve recently obtained my masters and have been job hunting for almost a year.  In my pursuit for a career, I’m also looking for a partner for a long-term relationship.  I am ashamed of the fact that I’m unemployed and I feel as if I’ve lost my identity; what do you do is the first question people ask after they’ve asked for your name.  I know that I have a lot to offer but since my unemployment, I’ve turned down many dates for fear that I may seem like a ‘loser.’ In the past, I was pursued by really successful men and now, I hide from them.  I’ve began dating men I wouldn’t ordinarily date, men who are younger and not as financially secured.  I’m not looking for someone to ‘take care of me’ and I don’t want to come across as such, due to my unemployment.  How do men feel about dating unemployed women?

My stepmother dropped out of high school to take care of her parents. It was something she always regretted. My father, right after they got married, encouraged her to go get her GED at 50something. She did and then headed back in to the work force in her fifties.  Then, at 70,  she expresses an interest in computers. My father told her to find a class that could teach her computer basics. Would she ever use those skills? Probably not. But he still encouraged her to take classes because he (like many people) value the pursuit of knowledge. I have a tremendous amount of respect for what you did, Deena.

Here’s the thing about that question, “So…what do you do?” I’d say that, for the most part, when men ask that question they’re merely trying to make conversation. While they’re definitely on high alert for women who are looking for someone to support them, they don’t all necessarily care if a woman is marginally employed or unemployed as long as she’s managing it well. Especially in a situation like yours where you took time off from your career to pursue your education. That’s not something someone does just to find a benefactor.

You invested in your professional career. That’s something that most people – male and female – greatly respect. Someone who does that possesses important and admirable qualities that make them a good employee as well as partner. When someone tells me that they’re pursuing higher education (or any level of education) I think they’re not afraid of hard work, they’re focused and they’re disciplined.  Those are all good things, things that you should make you feel proud. You’re bettering yourself. Don’t think men look down on that.

In today’s times, I think it’s far more common to encounter people in your position. Anybody who would look down on someone for being unemployed these days or consider it a mark on the person’s record is astonishingly out of touch. Being unemployed or having bad credit or not being terribly financially stable is commonplace now. No, they’re not great things. But they are realities of our current economic situation. Someone expecting to meet another person who is gainfully employed with a stable job, with a 700-800 credit score, and little debt is ignoring what’s going on out there now. Yes, there are some people who have been able to maintain all of that. But there are a lot of really good, hard working, honest people who weren’t so lucky. There’s a big difference between some leech who is living off parents or the government and eeking out a living and someone trying very hard ( and maybe failing at times) to make ends meet on their own. This is something that should be examined on a case by case basis. Broad generalizations are not wise.

You’re intentionally going for men that you consider “less than” because that’s how you see yourself. I’ve said this before…shame is a heavy anchor. You didn’t so anything wrong! You chose to continue your education so you could go on to have a lasting and successful career! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! The longer you allow those thoughts of shame or insecurity percolate in your head, the worse it’s going to be. You have to shut them out. You have to. There’s nothing worse than living like that. There really isn’t. The messages just play over and over in your head until you start to believe them. Turn them off. Now. Start doing things that make you feel good about yourself. Go volunteer. Be a mentor to a teenager. Work out. Do something to get you out of your head.You did nothing wrong.

It’s great that you’re self-aware. But you don’t want to become so aware of your perceived flaws that you end up becoming a walking raw nerve. Not only does that affect you mentally, but it has some pretty adverse physical affects as well.

The true upshot here? You’re giving guys a chance that you probably wouldn’t have before. While you might be going for some men men who aren’t all that available just because they’re riddled with shame, too, you’re probably getting to know them beyond what they do for a living. Another positive! Anything that encourages empathy is plus.

Next time someone asks you what you do for a living, all you say is, “I just finished my Masters and now I’m on the job hunt.”  If you’re not having luck in finding a job, take any job that gets you out of the house and around people. I’d also suggest volunteering or even interning in the interim. (Internships aren’t just for college students anymore.) At least it gives you a sense of purpose and exposes you potential job connections. Fill some of your time doing something that relates to your chosen career.  Create an action plan that details how you will get back on track professionally, socially and financially. Start a support group for others who are fresh out of school and unemployed.

When you start to see that there are so many people who are in the same situation as you, you won’t feel so out of place.