Question: I went out on a first date and really connected to this guy. I broke all my rules…I drank too much, slept with him (letting the wild girl come out-which I have never done). He only texted me a few times and called once. He said he wants to get together again but working a lot. After almost 3 weeks I had a drink and sexted him!! He did not sex back except to say he is getting horny and will see me soon. I am embarrassed. If I was dating me I would say yikes..she is too wild and only wants sex. I am not normally like this, so should I apologize and explain who I normally am ( a good, caring, mature, responsible, not party animal kinda of girl) or do I just stop texting and if he does text or call just not defend myself?
Photo Credit – roblang.photoshelter.com
If I was dating me I would say yikes..she is too wild and only wants sex.
That’s because you’re a woman. A guy wouldn’t find your desire to have sex a bad thing. You’re thinking like a woman. The fact that you care what he thinks means you’re not just in it for the sex. You made a decision and now you’re all in your head because you’ve been trained to believe that women who have sex too soon are slutty and bad and blah blah blah . He’s not not seeing you because you were so “wild” in bed.He’s not seeing you because he has options. Either that or he was never terribly interested in the first place and took the sex you offered him.
I went out on a first date and really connected to this guy.
That was your first mistake. Had you and this guy genuinely connected, you wouldn’t have needed to sext him. He isn’t treating you like a booty call option because you had omigod “wild” sex with him. You didn’t disrupt true love’s design and now it’s going to come to get you like some rom com version of Final Destination. That connection was in your head. That you’re still believing that you and this guy had a connection is the real problem. The only time you should be having sex with a guy on the first, second, third whatever date is if you’re perfectly okay with the possibility that you might never get anything more than that from him. The sex should never be used to as a bartering chip. That’s not to say that you won’t ever get more than sex. You just can’t use sex for anything other than personal pleasure if you wish to avoid what it is that you’re feeling right now.
Women like to imagine that there was some magical connection between themselves and a guy so they can justify doing exactly what you did. You wanted to have sex. That’s it. That’s why you’re remembering that date the way you are. It’s selective recall. You are embarrassed at what you did and are now choosing to see that date as something that it wasn’t.
The real question is…why did you want to have sex? Was it because you were horny and you like sex? Ehh…I’m guessing no. More likely, you thought showing him how “wild” you were in bed was going to make him like you more and keep you interested. If you just wanted to have sex you wouldn’t care a whit what he was thinking about you or whether he was judging you. That’s what sexual empowerment is all about: making a choice, owning it and never apologizing for it. Don’t you dare send that guy a text and explain yourself. You don’t owe him or anybody else an explanation or apology. Not only that but doing that will make you way too vulnerable. If he wasn’t using you before, he sure as hell will once you back pedal on your decision to have sex with him. Never let a man or woman know they’ve got you on the ropes.
After almost 3 weeks I had a drink and sexted him!!
And? You didn’t beat a school bus full of kids with a sack of puppies. The only thing you did wrong was try to use the promise of sex to get attention from a man. That’s what makes what you did awkward. That just doesn’t work. Sure, you might get a response, but more often than not the guy sees that bone that you’re offering as a trap. Most men know that when a woman offers sex, and just sex, there’s usually some strings attached. That’s why many men don’t take that bait.
I’ve explained this before…despite what your friends might tell you, men like slutty women. Slutty is okay. Men date slutty women. Men marry slutty women. But there’s slutty and then there’s…slutty. The former is a woman who likes sex and has it when she wants without giving much care for what the man or her friends or society might think if they knew. That’s the key. If they knew. The latter type of slutty are the women who broadcast or otherwise use their sexuality to get attention or validation. Those women are liabilities. They’re usually insecure or damaged in some way and use sex to fill a void.
Leave it alone. This situation isn’t right for you. You’re way too in your head and second guessing yourself. It won’t end well. He’s clearly not terribly interested in you, so just file that one away and learn from the experience. Do not do what so many women do and tell yourself that you somehow screwed up your chance at finding a boyfriend. The sex had nothing to do with it. He was never going to be your boyfriend.
Question: The last post in regards to single vs divorced is the impetus for this letter. I am currently separated from my wife and required to live apart for 1 full year before filing for divorce in my state with 6 months down and 6 more to go.
I have listed myself as divorced on my online profiles versus separated as there is zero chance of reconciliation, although I remain legally married. We have a separation agreement, so our assets are settled and all that is left is a court date in 6 months to tell the judge we’re done.
My problem is that being 20-something and divorced carries a stigma. I was married 5 years and my wife ended up buying a plane ticket to see another man and asked me for an open marriage. I told her to cancel the ticket and move out or she could fly out to see the guy with the expectation of me not being here when she got back, so she moved out and cancelled the ticket last minute, keeping her options open. A month later, she asked for a divorce, rebooked her plane ticket, and ended up moving in with the guy several states away just a few weeks later. I found her journal on the computer when I was sorting through backup files and figuring out what files I needed to get back to her and found out before we got married she cheated on ex-boyfriends, tried to break up engaged couples, and basically fell in love with every man she ever met and manipulated them for her personal gain. It turned out everything was an elaborate front and the woman I married never existed.
The bottom line is I was a victim in my marriage/divorce. Before I found out she wasn’t the person she claimed to be, I told my ex-wife I’d quit my job, quit grad school, go to counseling, and do whatever else it took to save our marriage, but it was all for nothing if she wasn’t willing to put forth the effort since I couldn’t save our marriage on my own. She told me not to do any of the above and gave up on me, which in hindsight was a good thing after finding her journal.
I live in the Bible Belt/South and the type of women I want to attract are those with strong values as my ex-wife turned out to not have any values at all. This typically means a woman who is religious or politically conservative (of which my ex-wife was neither), which I have no problem with, but I carry the divorced stigma and get judged negatively despite the fact I was willing to give up everything to make my marriage work. My parents are divorced and a “family history of divorce” seems to also be a red flag with women also.
Beyond the divorce stigma, I’m a catch: I’m good looking, work out regularly, earn six figures, own a house, finish grad school in May, and I’m obviously not afraid of monogamy or commitment. I realize that everyone my age has baggage and the key difference is how people have managed their baggage. The only thing scarier than a man with a past is a man with no past. I don’t want to tick the box as never married and be deceptive and I don’t think it is appropriate to go into divorce details on a dating profile, but it sure would be nice if the women who weren’t emailing me back because I ticked the divorce box knew the reasons behind it without sounding like a vindictive crazy man. If I would have had a church wedding, I’d have grounds for an annulment and would have never been married in the eyes of a church and could claim never married with an asterisk. What’s a guy to do to improve his odds without being a big fat liar liar pants on fire?
Here’s my question:
Do you want to date or do you want to bitch? Because it sounds like you just want to bitch. I’m not sure you should be dating at all at this juncture because you’re clearly not any where near past what your ex-wife did. This wasn’t really a letter seeking advice. You just wanted to vent. Which, I’ll tell you now, is unattractive. It’s unattractive in women and it’s unattractive in men. I understand that what she did was selfish, thoughtless and hurtful. I do and I’m sorry. But this woman didn’t become a shrew overnight. Nor did she hide it, as so many people like to say happens when they wake up one day and realize they dated an asshole. These people aren’t the cunning and calculated sociopaths we like to tell people they are. We refer to them as such because that’s a much easier pill to swallow than admit we were just blind or needy or lonely or desperate. And because it removes all responsibility from us for why we chose them. She always was who she was. You just chose to ignore it.
Sweetheart, you’re wife picked you for a reason. Yep. She carried on affairs and manipulated you behind your back. Do you know why? Because she knew you’d either never catch on or you’d ignore it and let her do what she wanted because you feared losing her.
I was married 5 years and my wife ended up buying a plane ticket to see another man and asked me for an open marriage.
Do you understand that by doing this she was telling you she couldn’t have cared less how you felt? No matter what you said, she was going to do what she wanted to do. I guess what I’m wondering is how you fell for this girl in the first place. You need to figure out why you married this woman or else you’re doomed to repeat this mistake.
As for the rest of your letter, TL/DR. I mean, I read it. You’re so stuck in victim mode that it was struggle to get through it. I’m guessing that this is just who you are: a professional victim. You’re whining about stigmas and your selfish ex-wife and society. People who adopt a victim mentality tend to get victimized. That’s how it works.
What’s a guy to do to improve his odds without being a big fat liar liar pants on fire?
Well, the first thing they do is to swear never to say “liar liar pants on fire” again. This isn’t about online dating and being divorced with an asterisk. What can you do? You can stop feeling sorry for yourself, take responsibility for choosing poorly, find out why you were attracted to your ex-wife and fix the problem. There you go. Boom goes the dynamite.
This Frisky article might spark some interesting discussion. Once again, I left a comment and it’s being moderated. I’m starting to think it’s personal. From the article:
Finding out that “single” signifier on his online dating profile actually should have read “divorced” has happened to me a grand total of FIVE times. I shit you not! Yes, all the guys listed themselves as “single” online, but mentioned their divorces at some point on the first date during the whole “this is my whole resume and life recap” bit. One guy referred to an ex as his “ex-girlfriend” first before letting it slip that they had been married.
Personally, I don’t care how they present it initially. As long as they are available and not breaking laws or vows/commitments, I don’t care. I totally get why some people (because women do this too) are hesitant to reveal that they are divorced. This Frisky article, to me, has an underlying tone of judgment. Divorced = baggage/bad. Men and Women both know that people will make assumptions about them if they reveal that they are divorced.
“Oh God. Crazy Ex-Wife/Husband alert!”
“He doesn’t have any money because he got screwed in a divorce!”
“Oh, she lives off alimony. Gold digger!”
That’s why some people aren’t upfront about it. As I’ve said before, people who expect total honesty and full disclosure this soon reveal their own inexperience and issues.
I agree that Single, Separated but Single and Divorced are three totally different things. Divorced and Single, to me, are the same thing. I’d want to know sooner than later, but I wouldn’t automatically assume he was being shady if he told me later. I’d wonder why he felt uncomfortable revealing this info. That would be my first question to him.
I do agree that someone should be upfront in their profile about just being separated. I’d prefer to know that before I decided to meet them. I still might meet them, though. These situations are rarely cut and dry. Someone could be legally separated but no immediate plans to get divorced for financial reasons. Is that an ideal situation? No. But if the guy comes clean and explains it in a way that doesn’t set off any buzzers, I’d be willing to give it a go.
And an honorable mention goes to O’Ex-Boyfriend who dated me exclusively for two whole months before he let it drop that he wasn’t actually legally divorced yet, only separated. Oh, did you just happen to forget to mention it?!?
If a man you’re dating “exclusively” reveals that he actually lied or intentionally mislead you about his marriage/separation status, guess what that means? It means he was never committed to you and that “exclusivity’ was just a weak promise to sleep with only you “for now” or because you pressured him into committing. It’s not the lie itself that bothers us. It’s the implications/motivations behind the lies and revelations that freak us out.
I once went out with a guy from OK Cupid. On his profile he states that he is single. He didn’t fill out the offspring option and left it blank. He also didn’t reveal in what field he worked. He encouraged women to read his questions. He answered the question about whether or not he wanted to have kids by checking off No. He qualified that by saying that more kids were not in the cards for him.
But here’s the funny part. He was divorced (which he offered in an email conversation) and has 2 kids and works in a field that didn’t appear relevant or connected to things he admitted in his profile. Yet, despite being secretive and almost intentionally misleading about these points, he discloses in his profile that he wants to meet women who don’t mind that he’s already dating other women. Interesting thing to choose to reveal, no? He’ll be honest about that, yet not forthcoming about things as simple as what he does for a living. I showed my friend his profile before I met him. He laughed out loud at the line about already dating other women.
“That’s like if I sat here talking to you and, out of nowhere, just poked you in the eye. It’s rude and unnecessary.”
“Maybe he just doesn’t want to date women looking for anything serious or exclusive? That’s why I responded to him.”
This particular friend is my Yoda, Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society and Hannibal Lechter all rolled into one. I half-expected him to look over his glasses at me and say, “Noooo…that’s incidental.”
“No. It’s just rude. It’s meant to be shocking.. Ask yourself why someone would do that.”
I went into that particular date far more alert after that conversation.
Back to the article. The piece also suggested that people should reveal their STD status in their profile.
Ami and I disagree on this one. She doesn’t think that going on a date with someone means there’s a presumption that sex will take place and that people should disclose once it’s clear sex is going to occur. Meanwhile, I say that you should at the very least obliquely indicate your STD status in some way prior to meeting a person for two reasons. One, so other people wirh similar STDs who may want to date someone who knows what they’re dealing with can find you, and two, so someone for whom an STD is a dealbreaker knows whether to to invest the time.
This just in: most first dates go absolutely nowhere. Why should someone make themselves that vulnerable that soon? It’s like the author of this piece doesn’t even take into account how being public about something like that could compromise other aspects of his life.I also find it really…inconsistent…that someone like this particular author who is constantly talking about sex-positivity would write something that makes it clear that she considers an STD a deal breaker.
It’s not up to a virtual stranger to help you manage your expectations and personal biases. Dating involves investing time and money and accepting that there may be very little return on each investment. If you consider investing time in ONE DATE to be a challenge, then it’s really no secret why you struggle to find someone to date regularly.
question….what are your thoughts on a guy who is into a girl immediately and ‘commits’ to an exclusive relationship within 2-3 weeks of meeting however, wants to wait until it feels right to have intercourse.
He loves giving oral to his GF even though she doesn’t reciprocate nearly as much due to some past issues/concerns she has….he’s pretty tolerant and respectful of that……she totally loves receiving oral from him and expresses her extreme satisfaction….. what would you think about a girl that gets frustrated by the guy not having intercourse yet and also what would you think about this girl who then won’t even allow fooling around to go beyond kissing because she feels ‘tortured’ by receiving oral and some other play but isn’t allowed to have sexual intercourse because he’s not ready yet…..- A., Male,38, NYC
Since I know you and since we’ve had a conversation about this specific issue before, I want to include something that you left out of the story. Your hesitation surrounding having sex too soon is mostly rooted in your fear of getting a woman pregnant. You’ve told me this. When you first told me about this hesitation I have to be honest and say that I thought it sounded like an irrational phobia. I strongly urge you to talk about this with a professional. If you’re being responsible and safe and you educate yourself on ovulation and conception, then you don’t really have anything to worry about.
If she’s getting off, then I don’t understand her frustration. She committed to you without the sex. Unless you promised her that you two would fully consummate the relationship once you and she were exclusive, I don’t understand why she’s so bothered. That is, unless this relationship has been going on for several months without intercourse. That’s a problem. I also don’t understand how you can be so blase about the fact that she refuses to give you head citing “past issues.” The bottom line is that either she doesn’t like giving head and doesn’t feel a need to return the favor despite all the effort you make to please her OR she’s withholding oral until you give her intercourse. Either possibility is a bad sign.There should never be any withholding of affection in a relationship. If she cared for you, she’d at least try. I’m just not sure how connected you and she could be when your relationship lacks such a fundamental form and expression of intimacy. Right now, it sounds like sex is just a tool for you two to climax and that’s it. That’s childish.
Another red flag is that you’ve committed to her 1) after 3 weeks of dating 2) without having sex with her. As I’ve said before, men who typically jump head first into relationship usually do so because they have a critical flaw that they wish to hide. They want to lock the woman in and dazzle her with their willingness to commit, knowing that’s what most women want.
I think both you and she need to be honest with yourselves and each other that sex is not much of a priority. Therefore, all this fretting and wondering is a waste of time. I don’t buy that she’s frustrated at the lack of sex. I think that works for her, actually. If she were so sexual that a lack of intercourse bothered her, it stands to reason that she would engage in whatever she could to fill that void while she waited for you to be ready. She might believe that she’s frustrated at the lack of intercourse, but I’m guessing she’s quite relieved. She doesn’t have to go down on you and doesn’t have to have intercourse. She got you to commit without having to have sex. Sweetheart, you’re the typical Manhattan single woman’s wet dream.
Maybe you don’t like having sex with condoms and that’s why you hold off. I don’t know. What I do know is that without sex, you two are engaging in a high school version of a relationship. People who like and enjoy sex have it. You two aren’t having it. You both agreed to be exclusive without knowing if you sexually satisfy each other. This is the typical outcome of situations like that.
There are some alarming physical, interpersonal and emotional disconnects going on here. That does not bode well if you hope to have a mature and healthy adult relationship.
Last fall I had a date with a guy that I met on OKC. T.’s profile made it clear that he was looking for a casual relationship, as was I. Our conversations made it clear that we had much in common. He took great interest in my blog, something that always sends up a red flag for me. He said many times how eager he was to meet me because he felt like we’d have so much to talk about.
So we meet up. I’m not in my chair more than five minutes before he’s telling me how he never has expectations when it comes to his online dates, but that I was different. He then expanded on this by drawing a diagram with his finger on a napkin indicating how I “filled all the boxes” in terms of what he was looking for.
But then, out of no where, he dropped a bomb.
“The trouble with this is that there’s no hiding from you. There’s no mystique.”
I swallowed my cider and tried to ignore what he had said.Given that he had confessed to reading my blog extensively, my level of insight and perception should not have come as a surprise to him. Since he works in the sociology and psychology field, he and I share certain traits that tend to put a crimp in relationships. Namely that we both read people exceptionally well. My Ex, J, was a psychologist. I’d be lying if I said that our similar insight and ability to analyze situations didn’t cause some strife. But we got through it. I have said many times that I am no walk in the park when it comes to dating.Namely because I often times can predict what a guy will say or do long before he’s even formulated a plan of action in his head.
T. was right in the sense that there would be little mystique. But then…so what? I could see how this might be a problem if we were both looking for something more involved. But we weren’t. At least I wasn’t. According to his profile, neither was he.
Then he dropped another bomb on me:
“I’d love to write for your blog.” He didn’t say it seriously. More like half-jokingly. I just smiled and said nothing, my anger boiling up inside me. Son of a bitch. T. wasn’t interested in the woman behind the profile. He was interested in the woman behind the blog.
When T. said he couldn’t help that he “wasn’t feeling it” I stopped caring. He assured me that he thought I was attractive. It was the personality similarities between us that he wasn’t sure he could get past. We were both very direct, with equal levels of intuition and perception. Tricky. Acceptable. But there was no need to let me in on that little secret, thereby derailing a perfectly fun date.Which makes me wonder if that was what he wanted. Maybe he wanted to throw me off kilter so he could be in control of the dynamic. Or maybe he’s just profoundly stupid like his predecessor, Don Draper. He, too, would say the stupidest of things that would make things worse, not better. They both felt that being “honest” was the “right” thing. But if they were truly as intelligent as they perceived themselves to be, they’d know that total honesty was not going to advance their agenda, whatever that might be.
I got up to leave and put my money on the bar. T. asked me to stay, saying he felt we could still “salvage this.” I explained that I didn’t show up to the date looking for a new girlfriend, and that if all he offered was friendship then there was no point in me sticking around. He tried to talk me down, but my claws were out by that point. I lobbed back every serving of ‘honesty’ he offered and then some. Fuck that noise. Salvage what? Your ego? He eventually paid for our drinks and left. I sat there pondering what had just happened. I guess I felt the same way a guy feels when a woman goes home with him, lets him feel her up, gets undressed and then says she can’t take things further. It’s maddening and hurtful at the same time. T. was a psychological cock tease, no different then the women who let you slide your hand down their pants and then say, ‘Oh, we have to stop. I can’t do this.” His hand is DOWN YOUR PANTS. You’re already doing it!
I felt like I had been bait and switched on my date with T. Casual anything was not on the table. It never was. It made me feel really, really stupid for believing his praise. He was right in that I was not someone with whom he would always have the upper hand. I suppose that is unattractive in some way to some men. Someone who sells himself online the way he did in his profile on the Interwebs, so openly, really shouldn’t be concerned with maintaining a sense of mystery. Things didn’t add up for me, which lead me to believe that even though he said he was being honest, and was to some degree, he really wasn’t. Not with me and possibly not with himself. Bullet dodged.
Another guy I dated last winter pulled something similar. After a few dates he said that he felt like what he truly wanted was something more permanent. He asked me if I saw us headed in that direction. I will fully admit here that I lied to him and said yes. Am I open to something long term or more involved? Absolutely. But I knew he wasn’t it. We continued to date for awhile longer until it was clear I couldn’t give him what he wanted. We never were exclusive. I wouldn’t do that to someone that I knew I didn’t see myself with long term. He had originally said he wanted one thing. Then when he had it, he decided that’s not what he really wanted. In this case, he wasn’t honest with himself about what he was seeking. He didn’t know himself well enough to understand what he could and couldn’t handle. Like I said last week, the real challenge of online dating is finding someone who knows what they want and who they are. Unfortunately, these people often lose out. Knowing what you want and what you can feasibly offer is scary to a lot of people.
When I hear people complain about the lack of honesty in dating and how badly they want the truth, I realize very quickly that they’ve never actually been told the truth. If they did, they’d know why total honesty is bullshit. Additionally, the people who tell you how honest and straightforward they are are also liabilities. They’re not honest as much as they are socially clueless, manipulative or rude. They wield their honesty like a bat with the intention of either hurting someone or maintaining control. It’s not as healthy and wonderful as you think.
Whether you’d like to believe it or not, the person you want and who is most safe to date is the the one who is willing to keep their mouth shut and tell a white lie.
1. Stop asking “Why?”- To quote your parents, “Because. That’s why.” You’re never going to fully understand why someone wasn’t interested or why something didn’t work. It just didn’t. Don’t waste time trying to figure things out. That is, unless that one thing is a pattern. Then you should do some personal inventory and ask yourself (and friends you trust) some tough questions.
2. Give people a chance- Okay, so he wrote you and just said, “Hey’”or “How are you?” Some people aren’t very good with small talk. If their profile works for you, don’t let a wink, a flirt or a brief message with no personalization prevent you from replying.
3. Stop asking so many questions - Either take the leap or stay home.You’re never going to have a complete picture. Go big or go home.
4. Ladies, plan the first date once in a while - Stop leaving it up to the guy. It seems like 80% of the time, women get pissed for one reason or another about where the guy chooses to meet. If it’s so controversial take the bull by the horns and do it yourself.
5. Make up your own mind - Stop living by other people’s rules. They aren’t you. What works for them isn’t always what is best for you.
6. Stop caring what people think - I’m telling you, most of the judgments you hear and read come from people who absolutely suck at dating.They want you to fail.
7. Learn to enjoy the beauty of a dive bar - You haven’t really dated until you’ve had a night of beers, bad bar food and cheesy jukebox music. Every date doesn’t have to look like a scene from Sex and the City. Withhold judgment until you actually have the date.
8. Ladies, stop being afraid of being sexual/”slutty” – For the love of God, stop listening to your friends. I’m telling you that their heads have been in way more laps than they care to reveal.Fun fact: you’re friends won’t have anything to judge if you lie or keep details to yourself.
9. Guys, get rid of that stupid “I’ll only spend $20 on a first date” rule – Dating costs money. Get over it. Be more discerning when inviting women out if you find you’re spending too much money.Yes, you’re being cheap.
10. Don’t say “Yes” to a date unless you’re really interested – Be considerate of the schedule and time of other people. Setting vague plans and not following up is rude.Read a person’s complete profile before engaging them.
11. Don’t fear rejection or failure – You need the bad experiences to help you enjoy and identify the good ones. Unless you want to keep re-living the same date over and over, you have to see things through. Ladies, send that “thank you” email the next morning and suggest another date. Don’t wait for him to do it. Guys, if you like her then ask her out at the end of the first date.
12. Update profile photos regularly - No more posting pics from 2009! Make it a point to have friends take pictures whenever you’re out. You should be updating those photos every 3-6 months.
13. Have sex on the first date - Do it. Yes, relationships do come from it. You don’t have to do it all the time, of course. But don’t not have sex thinking you have cleared some imaginary hurdle. You haven’t.
14. Stop placing importance on empty gestures - It means nothing until it means everything. Remember that. Just because he paid the check doesn’t mean he’s sincere. Just because she accepted an invitation to dinner doesn’t mean she’s interested.We do things because it’s expected or as a means to an end.
15. Stop looking for signs - You know how you know a relationship (of whatever type) is working? You’re not watching or looking for signs. You’re too busy enjoying the moment and the experience.
16. Stop demanding honesty - Until someone is truly invested, they’re not going to risk conflict by offering total disclosure. Allow people to bow out of things in their own way. Yes, that sometimes means fading. Chasing them down and demanding an answer isn’t worth your dignity or self-esteem.
17. Stop dating assholes - This one is self-explanatory. The better choices you make, the better your experience. The people who complain and gripe all the time are doing that because the repeatedly date people that don’t treat them well. That’s because they focus on shallow criteria and don’t pay attention to the red flags..
18. Lower your expectations - Dating has become such a commodity these days that it’s counter-productive to need to feel special and unique on every first date.
19. Reply to messages quicker - No more trying to play it cool, folks! The process has now become so intensified that someone can email you on Monday and be smitten by Tuesday.
20. Stop being afraid of being alone - Listen. You’ve made it this far on your own. Maybe the love of your life is the love of *your life.* Appreciate and take advantage of the benefits of being single.
21. Date multiple people at once – Try it before you pass judgment. See how it fits.If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. But don’t turn your nose up at the idea until you’ve actually given it a chance.
2. Don’t make every first date an interview - Knock back a couple drinks and enjoy yourself. Stop being so worried that you might make some critical error that will turn someone off. If they’re interested, they’ll be interested the next morning unless you do something horribly offensive. Have fun! Get a buzz, flirt a little, tell a dirty joke.
Have any of your own?
Question: I’m an attractive 28 year old single girl, and I seem to attract married men or men in relationships moreso than any of my friends, and moreso than I seem to attract single men. I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few, though never with the intention or expectation that it would turn into anything serious, because obviously I could never trust them as a boyfriend or anything but if I’m sexually attracted to them and the timing is right, you know… whatever (in one case I found myself getting attached so I ended it to prevent a truly ugly situation).
I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along. Some of my friends have told me because I’m really confident, carefree and give off a kind of “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, this is very attractive & exciting for men who aren’t looking for something serious and are probably tired of their nagging wives/girlfriends. And they say it’s this sort of demeanor that keeps away the single guys because I just come off as someone looking for fun. But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own. So which one is it?? I am a little quirky, have a “strong” personality (I am told) definitely smart and have been told I’m really funny, but shouldn’t that make me equally as attractive to single men as married/taken men? Or are married men just more brave about approaching me (or any woman) because they know their status makes them sexually non-threatening and I’m the one who attracts them by actually entertaining their advances?? Why is this happening and how do I turn this tide? Please help!
I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few.
Okay. There’s your answer as to why you “seem” to attract a lot of married or otherwise available men. These men will hit on anybody. It’s not something special or unique about you. But they pursue or push the issue with you because you entertain them. I’m not judging. While I’ve never gone the married man route, I’ve absolutely engaged and involved myself with men who had girlfriends.I liked the idea (aka the lie) of fulfilling something that the man’s girlfriend didn’t. The compliment was in the delusion that they were somehow choosing me over someone else. It wasn’t until one particularly toxic and unfortunate situation that began almost 6 years about that still rears its ugly head to this day did I really understand how insulting and disingenuous these types of advances are. Right now, you think these men get involved with you because there’s something special about you. Something better than their “nagging” wives. Newsflash: A man could be very happily married and love his wife and still want sex with other women. The two can be mutually exclusive. That “I don’t give a fuck” attitude your friends suggest that you have? That’s not a compliment. Not from your friends and not from the men. What they are telling you is that maybe people see you as someone with no moral compass. It’s one thing to behave that way. It’s another to demonstratively show no shame in behaving that way.
These men are not honing in on your because of your carefree attitude or strong personality or sexuality. They aren’t honing in on you at all. They just take it to the next level with you because you allow it. Why do you allow it? I don’t know.Only you know that. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re so just so incredible that available men don’t have the stones to approach you. When, quite possibly, you don’t want them in the first place.
I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along.
Maybe you don’t want a single guy? Like I said above, I’ve been in your shoes and that’s how I used to think, too. “Oh, I’m just biding my time until an available guy comes along.” There are available guys everywhere, if you look for them. But I wasn’t looking for them. I wasn’t looking for unavailable guys. I just wasn’t looking, period.
How do you turn the tide? You start by being honest with yourself about what you want and are capable of giving. There are a lot of grave mistakes that women make as they search for love. One of the biggest is the constant cognitive dissonance under which they function. They tell themselves one thing, but their behavior and actions say the complete opposite. If you truly wanted an available guy, you’d be with one. You choose unavailable men because those men work for you. Why? Well, I’ll throw out a few of possibilities. One, you like the attention and ego stroke that comes from convincing yourself you somehow are better than their wives. Two, you like your freedom and don’t need a serious commitment. You can get through life’s more trying moments on your own, but enjoy a little company now and then. Three, you like to know what you’re getting. Screwing an unavailable guy comes with instructions and an expiration date. You like that. There are no guessing games. You know it will end.
But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own.
Just because you’re available doesn’t mean you’re desperate. You probably are content on your own. So much so that you don’t want or need much more than that. There’s no rule that says you have to seek a relationship. I’m sure there are plenty of guys who don’t have wives or girlfriends who can deliver what it is you seek. It seems implausible to me that you don’t ever seem to meet them. They’re everywhere. Which leads me to think that there’s something specific to these entanglements with unavailable men that attracts you. Maybe it’s the understood and inevitable end. Or maybe you just don’t like other women. I don’t know.
You get something from sleeping with married men. Figure out what that is and you’ll have your course of action as to how to change the path.
Question: Dear Moxie- Really? After 35 every single woman must “settle” in order to end up in a serious relationship? I see this in almost every one of your posts. What exactly does the term “settle” mean to you Moxie? If a good looking woman in her mid to late 30s wants to find a smart, funny man, who has a job, and that she personally is attracted to, to have a serious relationship with, why shouldn’t she have that? It’s not like they are these ridiculous standards like he must make six figures, look like George Clooney, be as funny as Conan O’Brien, blah blah blah. I’m just talking BASIC standards. Why should a woman over 35 have to settle for someone she’s not attracted to mentally and physically just because of her age. She’s not 70, she’s 35! Come on now. Or am I just misinterpreting what you’re saying? If someone as young as 35 needs to start settling to have anything other than a casual relationship why don’t we all just throw in the towel now? How depressing.
I’ve never suggested that women forgo physical attraction or sexual compatibility. Ever. Not once in the 8 years I’ve been writing this column. You have no idea what this sort of rant says about you. That’s what is so funny. Someone says “settle” and you (the collective you) all think what is being suggested is to find some schmuck and get him to marry you. Do you have any idea what that tells people? Let me fill you in. When women automatically assume that that’s what “settle” means, that is usually an indicator of the fact that those women try (and chronically fail) to date out of their league.
If someone as young as 35 needs to start settling to have anything other than a casual relationship why don’t we all just throw in the towel now?
You don’t seem to be getting it. It’s not that there is a limited supply of men who want to date you. It’s that there is a limited supply of men who want to commit to you or anybody else. And if they do want to commit, they either are probably going to do it with someone under 35 so they won’t be rushed into settling down and having kids OR they are guys that you have blown off and passed over as you wait for your funny, attractive, educated, employed, charming Mr. Right. Many women have been listening to tales and fables from their friends about that one woman in their office or second cousin or sorority sister from college who found Mr. Right. They are exceptions to the rule. Not the rule.
Listen to some of the stories here from women who refuse to settle. How many tales do they have of dating some dude who beds them and disappears? If there are so many options for you ladies, then where are all the stories of courting and wooing? Why is online dating a billion dollar industry? Why is there a new dating blog popping up every ten god damn seconds deconstructing all the bad dates that women have? Hon, wake up. The days of marriage and commitment being a given or a must have are over. We spent so long saying we didn’t need a man and had plenty of time to find someone that we completely missed the part when men started thinking the exact same way. Men have learned how to use the overage of single woman in the market place to their advantage. Now they’re winning. Now they’re being taken care of by desperate women who would rather support some leech than be alone. Or they’re dating multiple women who, like them, don’t want commitment. Or they’re juggling multiple women who do want commitment and then dumping them and then starting over. There’s a constant supply of single women for them! And by “them” I mean the men that most women want. The ones with options and charm and looks and money and stability.
Your mistake is thinking that commitment is a “basic standard.” It’s not. Not anymore. Not for many men, at least.