I’m a 40 yo single woman who has usually had a boyfriend, hence, I just started online dating about 5 months ago. Needless to say, it has been a disappointing and discouraging experience. I’ve never proactively dated, so I’m on the naive side. I do look 6-10 years younger,(and yes, I know every girl says this, but I’m happy to attach pictures to confirm)and am often asked out by men in their late 20′s to early 30′s. I recognize that these men have no interest in a relationship, but I’m always up for a fun night so I occasionally go. When I first started online dating the endless parade of dates was fun and exciting, but it got exhausting fast. 80% of them were unattractive or incompatible, and the other 20% simply wanted a one night stand. Mind you, OKC was my site of choice.. so now I’m trying to limit myself to men who want more than a one night stand and to that end, will be upgrading from OKC to match.
My question to you is, what is the cutoff point? Do men in their late 30′s/early 40′s consider 40 year old women relationship material, or should I limit myself to 45+ yo men? As far as I know, if a male doesn’t want children, your age is a less important number than where you fall on the 1-10 scale of attractiveness, ie you’re only as old as you look.
State: New York
and the other 20% simply wanted a one night stand.
I’m going to blown your mind right now. Ready? I will bet any amount of money that Mr. Relationship was part of that 20%. Here’s why I know that: because most women haven’t a clue as to how to determine whether a man is just looking to laid. Unless these men came out and told you they just wanted a one night stand, you have no evidence to back up your theory. All you have is years and years of crappy advice from your girlfriends. Something you’ll need to understand about men and dating now is that they prefer sex to happen sooner than later. If it doesn’t, or there’s too much challenge presented, these guys won’t think twice about Fading on you and looking elsewhere. Because they can. They have options that you don’t. So while these men in the 20% might have made a sexual comment or two or invited you back to their place, what I bet many were doing was testing the waters to see how you reacted. If you got uptight or defensive, they assigned you a high level of difficulty and mentally kicked you to the curb. I happen to think that the days of men judging women for having sex too soon are pretty much gone, save for the men here and there with the fragile egos.
My question to you is, what is the cutoff point? Do men in their late 30′s/early 40′s consider 40 year old women relationship material,
For the most part? No. Certainly not if they want children. But you’ll pursue them anyway, I’m sure because you’re convinced that you look young enough to be considered relationship material by them. That’s why you made it a point to mention your youthful appearance. You were setting up your defense. (And mind you, I wrote that part before I even read that last line.)
should I limit myself to 45+ yo men?
I don’t know if I would say that you should “limit” yourself to them. I think a better word is “focus.” You should direct your attention and efforts to meeting men in the 45+ range if you seek something committed and long term. If you seek a relationship, then you need to be looking at the Divorced Dad crowd and the guys in their mid/late forties to early fifties. Which isn’t a bad thing.
I don’t understand this whole thing about not wanting to date guys in their mid-forties. Yes, I know. You’re really active and fit and still dance like nobody’s watching, like when you were 25. You know what is the best thing about dating men 45 and older? They actually want you. Unlike those 38 year olds you’re hanging your hopes on who might date you for a few months until someone younger comes along. Because she will.
As far as I know, if a male doesn’t want children, your age is a less important number than where you fall on the 1-10 scale of attractiveness, ie you’re only as old as you look.
Nope. They pretty much still prefer younger women. The ones who are open to dating a woman of 40+ are in pretty high demand. If you want them, then be ready to go to the mattresses, because you will have stiff competition. Age trumps hotness, I’m afraid. Except with the younger guys. They just want to bang you for the story and experience.
I realize that this isn’t what you wanted to hear. But the fact is that you’ve had a string of boyfriends and nothing appears to have resulted in what you wanted. Or maybe it did and you’re just looking for a guy to date for a little while. I don’t know. What I know is that you’re now 40 and you’re doing what you can to find reasons why you can’t meet someone appropriate. It’s not OK Cupid’s fault. Welcome to dating at 40. Match isn’t going to be much different, especially if you try to get the guy in his thirties. This is what it’s like. You had 15+ years to find your Mr. Right. For whatever reason, none of those worked out in the way you wanted. Now you’re hoping that lightening will strike again.
The problem isn’t an algorithm or a website. You’re grappling with facing the reality that this is how dating is for you now. I’ve noticed that the women who return to the dating scene at some point in the last few years struggle the most. The dating landscape has changed and will continue to change change rapidly. It’s just..harder now. Especially for women our age. I’ve said this before: the 37-44 year old men in Manhattan and even Brooklyn aren’t looking for us. You’re going to have to branch out and start looking in Connecticut and New Jersey or even further. If you insist on local, then you have to channel your search and make yourself available to the 45-50 crowd. A lot of men 40-45 are still hanging on to the possibility of having children. Even if that pang to reproduce is faint, those guys are going to naturally seek out women they believe are of optimum child bearing age.
Dating isn’t like a vending machine. When the last Snickers bar is gone, the universe doesn’t magically put 10 more in your path. Your choice is to wait around for someone to come along and refill that option or select the Twizzler or Baby Ruth. Yeah, it’s not what you originally wanted. Someone came along before you and bought that Snickers before you could have a chance. That’s what it’s like to date at 40 in Manhattan or probably any other major city where there is an overage of single women to single men.
You can continue to pursue the late thirties to early forties guy. I’m not saying that getting one of them to commit is impossible. What you have to ask yourself is whether the frustration you will experience by holding out for them is worth your time. You also have to consider is whether or not you want to take those hits and run the risk of becoming less available and more impatient. There really is nothing more sad than listening to a woman in her mid-thirties and older complain about online dating and dating in general. The stench of bravado and remorse in her words is a pungent one.
I met a man back in December – he pursued hanging out with me – just fun, going out stuff, not dates. This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently. I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me. I researched him online and got the impression that he might be married. So I asked him – he came clean and indicated that he was separated, but still in the same house, but was going to move out & start divorce proceedings. Since it had been a long-term marriage (more than 15 years) and there were two kids – I was wary. I basically said we’d have to cool it until he really moved out & I could see that he was being honest about proceeding with a divorce. He did move out shortly thereafter and we resumed talking and dating. During the course of all of this, he would constantly send me texts – you’re awesome! and give me affirmations of his interest – I think about you all the time, I miss you when you’re not around, I feel like we have such a unique situation, etc. BUT he would also say – i’m all messed up in my head, I don’t really know what I’m looking for, etc. Again – I expressed my concern – saying that I wondered if he thought I was so awesome or if it felt so special because what he was coming from had felt so wrong for such a long time. So I tried to protect myself…but it’s hard when you DO feel a connection and you DO feel like this could be someone for the long-term and they are also expressing that. Then after about 2 months he started to pull away. Saying that he felt guilty about not spending more time with his kids and that he really needed to get busy and finalize things and clear up his personal situation. MY understanding from our conversation was that we were going to keep it casual, still see each other but try to “pump the brakes” so to speak. However, it’s now been a week and I haven’t seen him and I’ve only had one text saying hello/hope you are having a nice weekend. I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting? I was REALLY ok with taking a step back & being more casual for a little while to see if we truly had a connection but I didn’t expect it to just disintegrate completely. Do I just relax, not contact him & let him contact me? Or do I push for resolution and ask him to explain what is going on? Give up entirely?
I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me.
Let’s address this point first. This? This is in your head. No confident and secure man is intimidated by a woman, for any reason. Stop telling yourself this to make yourself feel better. Either you’re drawn to men with issues or there is something unlikeable about you. Those are the only to options to explain this phenomenon.
This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently.
If this guy was atypical for what you generally meet, that likely means that something about his interest was disingenuous somehow. Sorry, but it does. The fact that he didn’t even tell you he was married, knowing how the internet works and how common it is to Google someone, means he didn’t care enough to tell you about his status. He wasn’t concerned if you found out. Why? Because he didn’t actually care, period. That was the second red flag that this guy was going to fade. The first was that this dream man appeared in your life at all.
I get the desire to meet someone with a similar intellect or life experience. But the reality is that if we struggle to find that well educated and polished needle in a hay stack, then we should question when one falls in our lap rather effortlessly. I’m choosing to ignore the whole “on my level” thing. Holding out for that guy hasn’t served you well so far. You’re not going to readjust your expectations or self-perception until you get tired of the disappointment and frustration.
This guy was looking to get laid and likely never expected to stay involved with you in any way once that happened. He’s investing time by sending texts. That’s all part of the maintenance involved with cultivating a roster of options. He’s dipping his toe pack in the pool in order to see what is out there before he finally makes the move and leaves his marriage. He doesn’t want to let go of one branch without making sure there will be others to grasp.
I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting?
Easy peasy. He never thought you were the greatest thing since sliced bread in the first place. It was an act. Remember what I said about guys up to no good who pile it on are being disingenuous? This is a perfect example.
His reason for pulling back is that he senses you’re looking for a relationship and that’s not something he can offer. The stuff about his kids and needing to get his head straight, while I’m sure true to some degree, are not why he’s fading. This guy isn’t interested in you in the way you are interested in him. Let it go.
Comment: Hi, I am wondering if what happens to me is “normal” in the dating world here in NYC. I am 35, on OKC and I get asked out a lot. I meet an average of 3 guys per week, which some would consider lucky. I think I would feel lucky if all I wanted was to go to countless dates with men that 98% of the time I never hear back from. Is this normal? Do other women experience what I take as rejection??
3 dates a week doesn’t sound abnormal for OK Cupid. It’s a free website. As many people have mentioned in previous threads, OKC attracts a number of time wasters. That site is heavily populated by folks not terribly interested in anything beyond attention or a casual relationship. Hence why you’re getting so much action. I’m going to guess that you’re a quantity over quality person. You go out with pretty much everyone who asks because you like feeling so in demand. OK Cupid is like a fun house mirror in that it provides a distorted view of our desirability and attractiveness. Hate to be the bearing of bad news, but let’s just say that that site isn’t known for attracting men who are terribly picky.
I highly doubt that the majority of men you’re meeting on OK Cupid are actually looking for a relationship. Getting dates with OKC is beyond easy. Getting quality dates is much, much harder. Many of those guys are taking you out in the hopes of hooking up. When that doesn’t happen they just move on. That would explain a good portion of the rejection that you are experiencing.
The other contributing factor is probably that you’re disappointing these men somehow. Either your profile is too good and full of embellishments or..dun dun DUN! you don’t look like your photos.
While it’s not abnormal to have many one off first dates that lead no where, it is atypical to have that many not lead to a second date. So something is off. Whomever you present online is not translating offline. You should be getting more men following up if you’re having 3 dates a week. So, in addition to meeting a lot of one and doners, it’s either an issue of inaccurate photos or you’re just not terrible interesting/engaging. That’s something that a lot of people don’t consider. Everybody thinks they “rock” first dates. Few people actually do. Every person I’ve ever known or heard of who was booking multiple online dates every week always, to me, seemed to have something “off” about them. Either they seemed burnt out on the process or over-anxious or completely desensitized to the process. I think 2 dates a week with two different people is pushing it. More than that and you’re just overloading your mental hard drive. People assume because they get so many dates or have so many people eager to commit to them that that actually means what they think it means. A lot of times it doesn’t. You’d be surprised what people will do and say just to get sex on the regs. Or at all.
I don’t know how to say this without some people feeling as though I am trying to crush their spirit. Dating in Manhattan or in any city where there is an overage of single women to single men is tough. Trying to date in Manhattan as a woman in her mid to late thirties and older is brutal. As harsh as this sounds, the odds are just against us. My suggestion to you, OP, as well as to all the other women in your age range and above is to branch out. Way out. Like Boston or Connecticut or Philadelphia. Or maybe even further. We are just not in demand here. I’m not saying that you should completely count out the men where you live. I’m suggesting that you widen the net.
I will also advise any woman over 35 that is looking for a relationship to rely more heavily on the paid dating sites. Use OK Cupid, as it’s a great way to get dates and get out. Who knows, you might strike gold. But if you really want something serious, OK Cupid is just not the place to go. You are up against it on that site, competing with a lot of women in the same boat.
As for the guys who struggle, all the whining and sad sackery has to stop. Get off the angry man forums. Many of you sound like the 98 pound weakling who just had sand kicked in his face at beach. If you want a certain type of woman, you need to up your game. That means dressing and sounding the part. You can say all you like how unfair it is that women don’t like nice stable guys but deep down you know that’s not true. They just don’t want you. It’s time for you to stop listening to all the other losers at love and break free from that pack. Maybe it would serve you well to look elsewhere, too. Either that or suck it up and accept that your $10 first date policy isn’t cutting it. Time to break open the wallet and pull yourself together. Congrats, you stay in shape or you’re pretty or you have a job. Whoopee. You’re hardly unique. If you want people to notice you or take you seriously you have to present yourself in a certain way.
If you’re surrounded by people who bring more to the table, and at any given time you probably are, then you need to either up your game in some way and/or go where people want what you can offer. If you aren’t willing to do either, then you need to accept the reality of your situation quickly and learn to adapt.
Question: ok, so I met this wonderful man. His eye contact and body language all showed me he was sincere in everything he talked about. He seems so caring, loving, giving, just the right guy for me all around. My question is he asked me if I would like to go out of town for a few days? We had one date and talked and texted a lot the past few days. Normally I would so no way…I do not even know this man… but I know some people will meet each other for the first time out of town and spend a weekend together. I feel comfortable but am I jumping too fast and possibly putting myself in harms way? I don’t feel like it, but family have told me he could be a bad person and I should not do it. I have dated many men and he is the first real genuine nice and good man I have met where I saw these traits right away… Any thoughts? Thank you !
For me, there are two issues here. The first is how blown away you are by this guy based his non-verbal cues. While I am a big believer in the importance of reading body language and paying attention to various cues, none of those things actually prove anything. In fact, I think there are a lot of men and women out there who know exactly how to present themselves so that they seem more sincere and convincing. We all learn how to navigate situations in a way to get what we want. It’s not difficult to learn these things. Since you don’t know this guy really at all, you don’t have a baseline that can be used for comparison purposes.
Should you take him up on his offer to go away for a weekend? I really don’t know. Yesterday, in the comments of another thread, the issue of whether or not someone would accept a 2nd date on Valentine’s Day came up. A couple of people insisted that they would not do that. Much like the “I’ll only go down on woman if she freshly showered and shaved” admission, I find such declarations to be a tell. As I said in response to a tweet yesterday asking who accepts a first date on Valentine’s Day, someone who would is someone who doesn’t over-analyze everything. People who swear up and down that they would “never” do certain things like that are actually revealing that they’ve probably never been presented with the opportunity to do so or have their own issues that would prevent them from being so daring. If you met someone you really liked and they asked you for a first or second date on Valentine’s Day, most people would go. Please. The people who say that it’s too much pressure, might set false expectations, etc are making excuses. If you really liked them, you’d go.
Same goes for this request of taking a trip with this guy. People are going to give you all kinds of reasons that you shouldn’t. Personally, I’m not sure that it’s the best of ideas. Traveling with someone – anyone – can be stressful. I’m not sure that you and this man have established the kind of rapport necessary for you to go into this relatively confident that you and he will not have any problems. As for the security concern, that’s valid too. I think it’s unlikely that he’ll chop your hands off and stick you in a freezer, but it’s still something you should consider. Just like people should consider meeting people from online dating sites in a public place for the first date. Caution is good. Just don’t let it rule you.
You say that this is the first guy that you’ve met who has shown you all these traits right away. That, for me, is the big red flag. What does it tell you that “all” the other men you’ve met have not acted this way? It tells me that either you have not so great judgment in men (as witnessed in this post) OR that this guy is being insincere. The fact that these experiences you have seem to fall on the extreme ends of the spectrum is what concerns me. You seem rather hungry for a genuine connection. I think that might be clouding your judgment.
I think you might be so used to dealing with guys who are unavailable that you jump at the first guy who is available. Neither is really all that smart. I’d want to know why this guy was so eager and available. Look, I’m the bee’s knees. But even I would immediately be suspect of someone who seemed this interested, this quickly. I’d want to know why he was so available. That would be the reason why I would hold off on that trip for now. I think you need to get to know this guy a bit and get a baseline read on him before you make snap judgments.
Question: I find it impossible to meet anyone of quality. I’ve tried online, offline, inline, outtaline, you name it.
I’m slender, pretty, and fun, over 40 but playful and ‘young’ for my age and not attracted to anyone 50+ or 250lbs+ (I’ve tried!). I’m friendly, smiley, attractive, smart and get attention from men…it’s me who doesn’t like them, not the opposite.I’m friendly, smiley, attractive, smart and get attention from men…it’s me who doesn’t like them, not the opposite.
Yeah, I have “baggage” (who doesn’t?) – I’m divorced, gainfully employed, and share custody of the two most amazing, happy, delightful kids imaginable -we’re very close, but they are 1 year away from leaving home and I am looking for a true love to share my life with. I’ve been divorced for ages, and looking for 4 years since losing my long-term BF (no, there’s no chance of reconciliation- he’s engaged- to someone with no kids).
I see so many red flags when dating someone new and have come to the conclusion I’m just a bad “fit” for men here (FL) who are used to flashy, shallow golddiggers who throw themselves at man, and just expect the same from me. (again, the “fit” issue) I expect courtship and old-fashioned romance, but that’s gone the way of the dinosaur. I see some of my friends’ husbands are good guys, but I’ve not met any single guys of strong character (and I’m not interested in stealing someone else’s man, I have a strict moral code).
I’ve tried meetup. Grocery stores. Bookstores. Asking friends to fix me up. Social media. You name it. That saying “all the good ones are taken” is absolutely true. (Or gay). Ok, so tell me I’m wrong, or that there is something I can do differently and get a different result. I’m open to and appreciate gentle suggestions – just don’t beat me up – I’m fragile and sensitive I’d even relocate if I met the perfect guy, which is something I’d never consider til now (now that the kids are grown).
I’m convinced there’s a better place where men are honest, faithful, spiritual, respectful, smart and sexually attractive – it’s called Oz. Just kidding. Am I on crack, or does a place like this exist – do I just have to drastically lower my standards and date men I don’t even respect or give it up and retire an old maid?
I’m slender, pretty, and fun, over 40 but playful and ‘young’ for my age and not attracted to anyone 50+ or 250lbs+ (I’ve tried!).
Try harder. You’re 45. Your target age range, if you’re looking for a long term relationship, is roughly 47-57. Yes, you’re going to have to make some concessions if you seek a committed relationship. I’m sorry to seem curt, but I simply can’t keep answering letters like this. I can’t. I can’t keep saying that you need to choose wisely when you get married or when you commit to someone. I can’t keep saying that fewer men are committing and therefore you need to refocus your energies and re-evaluate these so-called standards you have.
It’s not that all the good ones are taken. It’s that all the good ones you want are either taken or don’t want you. There. Fixed that for you. There are plenty of great guys out there who seek a relationship with a 45 year old divorcee with kids. Unfortunately for you, they all fall under your undesirable category. Yes, you’re going to lower your drastically out of whack standards. Sorry, but that’s your only recourse here. That and get a more accurate perception of what your value is in your particular market. 45. Divorced. With kids. If you seek a serious relationship, you’re probably going to have more luck focusing on the Divorced Dad market. Guys your age or a couple years old who don’t have children don’t have them for a reason: they don’t want them. They also don’t want to take on the added responsibility of being financially responsible for another man’s children. Yes. I know. That wouldn’t be the case. Unfortunately, many men won’t believe you. And let’s be honest…that wouldn’t be entirely true. At some point, if you and a man get serious, he will be shelling out money for your kids in some way.
I am looking for a true love to share my life with
But…you already had a true love. That guy you married, remember? Weren’t you going to have true love with him and share your life with him? What happened there and what makes you think that a) you deserve another shot at it and b) you’ll be any better at it the next time around? Look, you might be everything you say you are. A catch and a half. That’s not the issue. The issue is this entitlement you appear to feel about how every lid has a pot, etc. You might have to settle for great companionship. It’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth.
As for whether or not you should give up, that’s a personal choice. I do think you’ll need to make changes. Maybe that includes moving or maybe that involves lowering your standards. I don’t know. If you’re using all these mediums and outlets to try and meet someone and nothing is working, obviously changes need to be made.
Whatever you do, you need to confront this fear you have of ending up alone. Because..you might. Dating just so you can alleviate this fear of dying alone in your home and having cats eat your face off rarely ends well.
This is what I call the stereotypical Manhattan single woman’s online dating experience. Woman meets a guy online. He’s employed and well educated with a good job and impressive package. He strings her along for months, but instead of cutting him loose, she kinda hangs on to him, afraid to let him go because what if he turns out to be sincere? (Hint: he’s not.) All of the women rally around her and tell her to kick him to the curb, girl, while regaling her with stories about how, when they met their man, they didn’t have to tolerate any nonsense. None, you hear me? I mean, okay, so some of them have only had “their man” for a handful of weeks or months. But still. They’re advice trumps that of anyone else because, you know, they have a manz. It’s just one ongoing circle jerk that would leave any woman dizzy.
What we have going on now is a number of women pursuing the same men. These men are all employed, attractive, educated and engaging. They are in no rush to pick just one woman because…why should they? Women refer to them as players, but is that really accurate? Or fair? Is it their fault that most women would rather pursue them than consider the guys with fewer options? For several months now we’ve been reading about how there are fewer and fewer “marriageable men” out there thanks to the economic downturn. Fewer men graduating college means fewer men are able to be the type of providers that women seek. That leaves us with a bunch of ladies all setting their sights on a smaller population of men.
As I said in the comments of this post:
It all comes down to supply and demand and the fact that women hold on
to antiquated rules and gender roles. For whatever reason, women have no
problem embracing the fact that they are now the breadwinners and are
more educated, yet they can’t wrap their brain around the possibility
that that means they now become the providers. They want equality in
every area – financially, sexually, etc – EXCEPT in the case of having
the burden of being the provider placed on their shoulders. That’s where
they want traditional gender roles to stay in place. If they could move
past this and broaden their horizons, they could find a man who wants
to commit. Instead, they all go after the Big Fish – the guy with the
degree and the paycheck – and end up becoming part of a harem. Why
should a guy pick just one when he has and endless supply of women who
pursue him? Cut off the supply to these men and the problem goes away.
The solution seems so simple in theory: stop going after men with so many options OR date multiple men at a time. Yet few women want to do either.They’d rather cling to the tales they here from other women on the internet, who I’m sure did not settle in any way, shape or form. Nope. Not even a smidge. Those women found their dream man and she can, too, with a little pluck and perseverance. Here’s the problem with that thinking, ladies:
1. I can assure that at least some of those women settled in some way.
2. Keeping a man’s interest for a few weeks or even months is not proof of anything.
3. You probably wouldn’t want what those women have.
I’ve said this before: what threatens our chances of finding what we want is that we compare our insides to other people’s outsides. So rather than hope against hope that your life will follow the blue print of some other woman’s life, why not design your own? Stop crowd sourcing your love life. No good will come from that.
I don’t know when or if we’re going to see any changes to the current dating landscape. Right now, the men have the upper hand. They have enough options to keep them comfortable for the foreseeable future. You can try and fight it or you can follow their lead and do what they are doing. Chastising these men a and calling them players isn’t going to help you. They don’t care. They don’t have to. The fact remains that they are in demand.
If it’s a relationship you seek then you need to focus on the men who appear to have fewer options. If you’re emailing a guy, chances are someone else is too. Lots of someone else’s. Those men would be the ones who email you. I realize that that prospect doesn’t sound terribly appealing, but it’s the truth.
Question: I recently met a man I really like on line, I have lots of other guys texting me but I get a real buzz when this guy does, he is funny and articulate and when he phones to speak to me we are on the phone for hours, but I have been separated now for 4 years. When I initially split with my husband I had met a guy online that I liked but was very needy and vulnerable and I frightened him off, I really don’t want to do that again.
He lives in another country, but as he is quite wealthy he has said he is going to come back here for a few months to spend some quality time with me, to see if there is anything behind what we have, when he went home he text me within to days with his new mobile number to let me know he was back.
We didn’t sleep together as I’d met him on line and wasn’t comfortable about it and he respected that, but the more we got to know each other the better we get on. As I have been out of the dating game for so long, I’m not sure about anything any more, who texts first etc I really don’t want to appear as vulnerable, as I am a much stronger person now, but should we create mystery about ourselves, if so for how long? And is it possible to find the real deal on a dating site ?
Yes, I think it’s possible to find the real deal on a dating site. It just depends on what your definition of “the real deal” is. As I said last night in the comments, I’ve had a great deal of luck with online dating. But that’s mainly due to the fact that I’m not looking for long term commitment. I do a pretty good job of weeding out the time wasters. There’s the occasional gaffe, but they are very few and very far between. I have not had many of the stereotypical “bad online dates” we hear so much about on the internet. That’s only because I don’t go out with every guy who shows interest and know exactly what I want. I think people, especially people over 35, who join online dating sites looking for long-term commitment are going to be sorely disappointed. Long Term commitment no longer means moving in together or marriage. It means dating more than 6 months or so. Appropriate your expectations, learn how to filter and read people and embrace/understand your audience and you’ll have great success with online dating.
Unfortunately, I don’t this guy is the real deal. The wealthy man from another country schtick reeks of scammer or Man of Mystery type who flies around the world bedding women out of boredom. Since you admit that you are vulnerable, that cements my impression of this man even more. That is what these types specifically seek out. There are likely some clues to this vulnerability in your profile,too. If you have any mentions of being separated or unsure/hesitant in any way, that’s why draws men like this to you. As a commenter recently said, just because you and this guy got on well doesn’t mean he was actually interested in you. He was being polite. If he truly is wealthy and has the expendable cash flow to fly and meet you, I’m guessing he has just as many options a stone’s throw away from his WiFi spot. Therefore, why isn’t he dating one of those women if that’s what he actually wants? If he doesn’t have any options closer, then why?
Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that, because a guy stuck after he didn’t get sex, that means he’s “truly” interested. What else was he going to do? He was stuck somewhere unfamiliar and probably didn’t have anywhere else to go or anyone else to talk to. Trust me, he was hoping for and even expected sex. People don’t fly hundreds of miles for good conversation. I wouldn’t hold your breath hoping to see this guy again. He very well might text and chat with you, but you have dropped down the priority list.
As far as whether or not mystery is important, I say yes. That’s why you shouldn’t spend too much time communicating, flirting or otherwise “bonding” with someone you’ve only met online. It builds a false sense of security. It also makes you more vulnerable to those who might not be on the same page. You’ll get too comfortable and share things you probably shouldn’t share, which leaves you open to being tricked or bamboozled.
Going forward, I would avoid the rich jet setter types who live far away. My instinct says that 50% of those men are looking for the low hanging fruit, and the other 50% can’t find a woman close to them due to a critical personality flaw.
One of my Twitter followers sent me an interesting article today. The piece discusses the possible negative impact that online dating has had on monogamy and commitment.
In the past, Jacob had always been the kind of guy who didn’t break up well. His relationships tended to drag on. His desire to be with someone, to not have to go looking again, had always trumped whatever doubts he’d had about the person he was with. But something was different this time. “I feel like I underwent a fairly radical change thanks to online dating,” Jacob says. “I went from being someone who thought of finding someone as this monumental challenge, to being much more relaxed and confident about it. Rachel was young and beautiful, and I’d found her after signing up on a couple dating sites and dating just a few people.” Having met Rachel so easily online, he felt confident that, if he became single again, he could always meet someone else.
This feels like a “which came first: the chicken or the egg?’ scenario to me. It’s no secret that online dating encourages a shopping cart mentality amongst its users. People join a dating site in the hopes of meeting people for….whatever. Sex. Love. Casual love. Once they complete a profile, it takes but a matter of minutes to hours to receive attention. Yes, online dating creates the idea that our options are limitless. Just like the media creates the idea that if we buy the latest version of of iPhone our lives will be that much easier and more complete. The concepts of supply and demand and the law of scarcity have existed for centuries. Online dating didn’t manufacture them. They already existed. All online dating did was provide us with a platform in which we could meet people. It’s up to the individual user whether or not they decide that commitment or casual sex is for them. If someone is conditioned to leave a relationship at the first sign of trouble, isn’t that more about how they viewed commitment and monogamy in the first place?
From the sounds of it the lead character in this article, Jacob, wasn’t really inclined to desire commitment in the first place. He stayed in unsatisfying relationships because that was a more appealing alternative than being alone or regularly masturbating. Are we to overlook the fact that Jacob was also an only child? Gee, you mean someone who grew up never having to share or compromise or argue with a peer isn’t good at relationships? Color me stunned. A man who doesn’t feel compelled to commit to just one woman? File that under “No shit, Sherlock.” What online dating did was enable an already preexisting condition. For many men, more vagina = more gooder. For many women, more dates = more attention.
It’s interesting that the article doesn’t focus on both a female and a male subject. Has online dating fostered a similar lax attitude towards monogamy and commitment in its female users? Based on the letters I receive and stories I hear, that would be no. The women on Twitter or Facebook or blogs frequently mocking the “nice guy” or coming up with excuse after excuse for turning down a second date, to me, seem to be exerting a false sense of vindication and control. Did that chip on their shoulder start with online dating? I don’t think so. I think these women always harbored warped ideas about love, sex, men and commitment and I think those seeds were planted long before they scoffed at their first Wink. That thinking was borne from years of being told they could do better by well meaning or sabotaging girlfriends.
It’s too easy to blame online dating for society’s evolving ideas surrounding commitment and monogamy. What I believe turned people away from monogamy and commitment wasn’t a collection of profiles. It was the habitually piling evidence that maybe, just maybe, what we were taught about relationships and sex is antiquated and counter-productive. None of these so-called benefits that existed 20, 30, 50 years ago no longer apply. Societal views and morals concerning these subjects are rapidly changing.
With divorce rates climbing can we really say that marriage is the expected course of action should two people meet and fall in love?
With the economy struggling and as more and more men remain out of work while women return to work can we really continue to believe that women need to marry for financial security?
With infidelity rates between men and women neck and neck are we still going to say that women are “hard wired” to be monogamous?
How can we continue to function under such beliefs when numbers don’t lie?
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Well, it’s broke. Only now people are choosing to fix it their own way rather than how they were told they should. Online dating didn’t serve as the breakdown in commitment and lack of interest in monogamy. We have simply evolved beyond what we were originally taught.
I come from a family where there is no divorce. My father had not one but two extremely successful and satisfying marriages. As such, I believe marriage is to be done once and you better pray you choose wisely and be prepared to fight the good fight. I was raised in a sexually repressed and religious household. Where did I learn about sex? From books and friends and movies. It was the exposure to and experience with these subjects that enhanced and changed my views. But in order for me to upgrade my line of thinking, I had to have been curious in the first place. There are plenty of people who are more than willing to accept what they are exposed to as the “right” way to live. There are others who challenge such views or desire more.
The medium that provides the exposure simply does just that. It’s the people who implement the strategy. I’ve met men who write profiles stating they want something casual only to turn out to want something more long term. I’ve also met men who write about wanting to find a partner but never appear to do so, as their profile stays active day after day, month after month, for years.
In my mind, it’s not the environment that online dating provides that is the problem. The true hurdle is certain user’s inability to accurately identify what it is they seek. That’s what makes it difficult for them to settle on just one person.
State: New York
Question: Moxie, I wrote in before with a question regarding my older (8yrs) white boyfriend who was not introducing me to his family/friends. You and your readers suggested that I leave him because this relationship wasn’t going anywhere.
I hung in for another 6 months because I wanted to believe that he would finally do it. In that 6 months time, he did not but on top of that I caught him cheating. I broke up with him and haven’t spoke with him since.
Since Hurricane Sandy he reached out to me and we have been cordial…now he says he is ready to truly committ to me, wants me to meet his family next week (they will be in town for the holidays) and wants to go ring shopping now. He says he has realized how empty his life has been without me and wants me in his life. He wants us to be married within the year (sooner if I agree to move in with him).
I am 50 years old and to be honest the prospects out there of men in who want to settle down are almost nil. It’s been almost 2 years and although I’ve been dating in that time, most men I’ve met just want something casual where I want to settle down.
Am I in love with him….NO, and I’ve told him so. But I do care about him still. He says he will do ANYTHING/EVERYTHING to get me back and show me he is the man I fell in love with 4 years ago (that’s how long we dated). But at this time, I don’t trust him and I don’t know if the love and trust I felt can come back.
Marrying him will afford me a nice lifestyle (big house, fancy cars, vacations, etc), but I want to marry for love and companionship not just financial security. I’m just confused about my feelings, my life, my choices, etc. I don’t want to be writing to you in 5 years regretting not giving him a chance.
Is it really once a cheater always a cheater? Can people really change? Please help!
So, it took him to almost 60 to realize how empty his life was without a partner? Meh. Not buying it. This feels like a case of The Holiday Blues combined with him coming face to face with the reality that he ain’t getting any younger. For me, that’s not a good enough reason to strap yourself in for the rest of your life.
Take a look around. You have settled down. You’re in your fifties, you’ve obviously got a life and a job and a sense of stability. You don’t need a man to settle down. You can take a partner so that you have someone with you on the journey, but the settling down part is on you. And you’ve done it. You’ve gotten this far without a manz.
Date this guy. Enjoy his company. But don’t commit to him because you fear you have no other options left. Even if that’s true, that’s still never a reason to make a life-long commitment to someone.
Will he cheat again? I don’t know. I’ve said before that I don’t feel that the cheating is the real issue and that it’s just an outlier. The real issue is that, by stepping out with someone else, he clearly doesn’t value the commitment he made to you. That’s just another sign of someone’s poor judgment and willingness to make an empty promise. People with these characteristics don’t tend to make the greatest of partners. I don’t believe those people will change at their core. They might not cheat but they’re still the same people. Especially this guy who is knocking on 60 years old. The thinking that drove him to cheat likely won’t change.
Choosing whether or not to be with someone shouldn’t involve this much internal conflict.