Hi Moxie:
Referencing back to NB’s question from a few days ago, I have a follow-up question. Basically, what would a relationship look like between two childless adults in their 40′s?
Am I right in thinking that there isn’t going to be a wedding, there isn’t going to be a marriage? For guys, I think marriage is like the military; any guy can do it, but you have to start young to convince yourself that you are enjoying it.
As a guy in my low 40′s, I have watched too many of my friends – even my childless friends – go broke as a result of divorce.
So if we go over the 4 basics of marriage (in no particular order):
1) Attraction/sexuality
2) Common mission
3) Friendship
4) Negotiated priorities
For almost every breeding pair I have ever met, #2 is the kids. This will probably open a can of worms, but biologically speaking two childless adults in their 40′s have no chance at kids.
Which leads me back to the original question: what would a relationship look like between two childless adults in their 40′s? More like two roommates in love?
-Michael, 42, NYC
I think there comes a point where women begin to accept the real possibility that getting married or finding someone to settle down with long term might not happen. By forty, most people have worked years to create a stable life for themselves and aren’t eager to give it up. They’ve also developed habits and tendencies that make it difficult to just jump into commitment casually.
I spoke the other day about preferring to date men that are my equal. In the comments of that post I tried to explain why I preferred to be with someone who understood why I wouldn’t want to host them at my apartment multiple times a week. I guess I’m selfish, as I need alone time. Only someone who also lived alone would get that. It’s not something that can be quantified. I want to be with someone who has also worked hard for what they have and who values the effort and sacrifice it took to build that. By forty or so, you want to be with someone that understands you in various ways. It’s not just about physical attraction or sexual compatibility. You don’t want to feel like you have to explain yourself. By forty-four, emotional and social compatibility is right up there with sexual compatibility. That combination is hard to find. Once someone is in their forties, there is more at stake. More money, more freedom, more independence. When you become comfortable being alone, finding the right fit becomes the priority and it’s easier to day no.
I’ll use Michael’s letter as a spring board to discuss something else. Everybody is free to comment on either.
When I read letters like NB’s from the other day, there is a part of me that gets a little annoyed at how people like her appear to feel entitled to an endless string of relationship opportunities. What I hear in those letters is Denial, which we all know is the first stage of the grieving process. These men and women convince themselves that, because they believe that they look a certain way, they should still be able to those in a particular league. Sidenote: That’s why I don’t bother with men who write in their profiles about how youthful they are or how they believe they look ten years younger. They’re building up their defense when they come up against rejection from their desired, and much younger, target market. They’re not creeps, they say. They just better identify with younger women.
It’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that you’re no longer in high demand or that the men or women you seek don’t consider you a viable option. It can take some people years of banging their head against a wall to get it. But by that time they’ve crossed over into Anger. Men are shallow and ageist, women are all after their money or too picky, etc. Another chunk of time and energy is taken up by complaining. Meanwhile, perfectly good possibilities waltz right by them. No, they think, I refuse to settle. I’m going to be that exception to the rule.
Next comes Bargaining. This is where people start to address, although not fully, their contribution to their current state of opportunities. They try to rectify the bad choices by telling themselves that they’ll make better ones. They’ll be less shallow, they’ll be smarter, they’ll heed certain warnings, etc. They try to do everything “right” hoping that will set them on a different course. But by that time, many of them have aged out of their desired market. They either don’t know it or refuse to accept it.
By the time the Depression stage begins, the wear and tear on their hearts and minds have become apparent. Their patience has worn thin. They give up for awhile. They take dating detoxes or swear off the opposite sex. Secretly, they hope to encourage others to do so along with them. They don’t want to believe that the solution to their “problem” lied within them all along.
That answer, of course, is to lower your standards. They’ve been doing that anyway, of course. They just can’t admit that out loud, let alone to themselves.
“Oh, I knew he/she was probably a player. But I played along, too.” Uh, no. You didn’t. That’s a lie. Also a complete untruth is how you chose to meet someone “out of curiosity” or how you didn’t get attached and knew the score the whole time. All those break-ups you think you initiated never happened. You didn’t stand your ground as much as you just took your toys and what remained of your dignity and left.
Acceptance doesn’t come easy. For some it takes many, many years or disappointments and confusion. For others, people arrive rather quickly, determined not to grow angry or despondent. They make the most of what they have and alter their expectations. They don’t want to date in the dark anymore.
It’s not easy to face up to the fact that those dreams or goals you had at 25 or 35 might not come to fruition. But accepting that fact is a hell of a lot easier (and more enjoyable) than waiting for lightening to strike again. Or ever.
I’d even relocate if I met the perfect guy, which is something I’d never consider til now (now that the kids are grown).
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