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Dating Profile Review – How Come She Doesn’t Get Any Dates?

September 14, 2012 by 9 Comments

Name Jemima J
Profile URL: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/TamaraR
What Has Your Experience Been With This Profile?: Ever since I changed it to bitchy mode I get at least one email per day but nothing resulting in dates.  Before, I had a straight to the point “This is Me” profile.  I got one date.  It went no where.  That’s it.  I do get more activity since I changed my profile from saying “curvy” but seriously, I think someone is going to say there’s false advertising.

I changed my profile because I have been on dating sites for over 5 years, maybe 8 years now.  But I didn’t get anything.  My roommate joins and in 5 days she has weeks worth of dates lined up.  Me?  Still single?  Her?  Still dating guys she meets online and in bars.  Shoot me, please?
Age: 35

Let’s first address the fact that you’re comparing your experience to your roommate’s experience.

A few months ago, I was at the gym. I made the crucial mistake of looking at the dashboard of the treadmill occupied by the woman next to me. She was running at a high speed and didn’t seem to be struggling. I looked at my dashboard, my pace much slower than hers, and I got so frustrated and disappointed that I just left the gym. I got home and called a girlfriend who has mentored me here and there in regards to my work outs. She’s a married Mom of 2, works out regularly and has the body and discipline to show for it. She gave me some really incredible advice. She said, “Don’t compare yourselves to the performance of others. Do what you can do. She’s probably been running  for a long time. You can’t expect to be where she’s at in term of endurance. Just getting to the gym is a success in its own way. Also remember that that woman is probably looking at someone’s body in the gym and, when she’s having an off day,  feeling that very sense of frustration and disappointment.”

You can’t compare your roommate’s online dating experience to yours. She is not you and you are not her. From what you say, her experience is atypical. Most people don’t have “weeks” worth of dates lined up within the first five days of signing on to a website. If that truly is the case, then she’s going out with anybody that asks. I used to read a blog by a woman in Manhattan who was my age. She, like your roommate, had multiple dates a week. Week after week, month after month, year after year. She always had a reason why her Bachelors of the Week wasn’t going to be her Mr. Right. And then..it stopped. She had turned 40. It’s all fun and games at first. But that well does eventually dry up. That’s something women need to understand. Enjoy that steady stream of suitors while it lasts. Just know that it won’t last. Never think that the women who book date after date have it better than you. They really don’t. They actually shoot themselves in the foot by doing this. They have so many option that they think they don’t have to choose just one. Then one day they wake up and suddenly they’re lucky to get an email or two a week.

Yes, if your roommate is slender and younger, she’s going to get more attention. I don’t think I’m telling you anything you don’t know when I say that dating in general is difficult for many plus size women.  You’ve hot on the first reason why you’re not getting the results you want. Men will respond to your “bitchy” profile because they sense your frustration and think they have an in with you. They’re either pandering to you (which is what weak men do) or they’re blowing smoke up your skirt thinking you’re desperate. I’ve posted all kinds of test profiles on OKCupid, one of which was the “I’m so over all of this. Screw you guys, I’m going home” one. I literally cringed with embarrassment for the guys who would reply to such an ad. Who the hell wants to date someone exhibiting such negativity? Desperate doormats, that’s who. You do yourself no favors by being bitchy in your profile. You make yourself a mark.  The only people who will respond are the ones who identify with it or want to exploit it. I know people think that showing everybody their “real” side is “refreshingly honest.” It’s not. It shows poor judgment. It’s foolish. Hate to break it to you, kids, but nobody wants to see the “real” you so soon. Nobody wants to read about your problems or childhood issues before they’ve met you, either. We don’t want to know the dark secrets right out of the gate.

I’m not going to comment on the actually text in the ad because you know it’s atrocious. You have only one photo, a shot of you from the shoulders up, which is also a no no. That is the calling card of the overweight woman. Just because you didn’t include a body type in your ad doesn’t mean people can’t figure it out. No matter what your body type is, you need to show it in a photo. Nobody is going to respond to a profile where a man or woman doesn’t offer – at the very least – a clear head shot and a clear body shot.

You are what you are. Either learn to love your body or lose weight. Those are your two choices. If you haven’t been offering real transparency as to how you look, that’s a main factor as to why you’re not getting many responses. If your profile even mildly reeks of the negativity displayed in this profile, that’s the other reason you aren’t having the experience you want.  Your “straight to the point” profile sounds like it was off-putting, too. Men don’t want to date the no no-nonsense, sassy, take me or leave me women. That’s not attractive or feminine. I’m guessing you need to soften your approach. Men aren’t approaching you because you’re probably coming off angry in some way.

Email me directly and I’ll give you a free profile session and we’ll re-write your profile together and go through your photos and select new ones.

 

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Filed Under: Dating Profile Review, Online Dating, Profile Review Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Should Women Play Harder To Get When Dating Online?

January 11, 2012 by 11 Comments

So here was an interesting scenario discussed at our he said/she said event.

A woman was talking about her online dating experience on Chemistry.com. She said that she sent out a number of emails and got no responses. But then, in an attempt to switch things up, she started including her phone number in the initial message along with a suggestion that she and he meet for a drink. Using that approach she got a couple of responses versus getting zero responses before.

My immediate thought was that, by sending her number and suggesting a drink in the initial email, she was sending the wrong signal. As I’ve said before, I’m a big believer of getting offline as quickly as possible. But I know when I’ve received emails like that I’ve been hesitant. To me, it felt too eager.

One of the men who attended last night piped up and told the woman that this approach “seemed a little desperate.” To which I agreed. I said that I felt that the guys might have assumed that she was going to be an easy target and just looking to get laid. The woman insisted that that wasn’t the case.

In the cab ride home, my friend and I (male) discussed this further. He said that he didn’t necessarily think that the men assumed she was “easy” sexually. Just easier, if that makes sense. Less effort, less work. Whether that was a good thing or not is unknown.

So in order to keep up with the times I’d like to get feedback from other online daters, both male and female, and ask them if they feel this is a wise approach and why or why not. Does it send the wrong signal and potentially put the woman in a vulnerable position?

Let me also say that I’m hoping to hear from men and women who date a lot or who don’t necessarily struggle with getting dates online as well as those who do. It’s implied that a man who has a hard time getting dates online is going to find this approach appealing.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Profile Review, Latests Posts, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , ,

Dating Realities: The Online Dating Version

August 2, 2011 by 23 Comments

Ever since I started to do dating profile review sessions, I’ve noticed several similar issues amongst my clients. So I figured I’d whip up a list online dating realities to help make the process a little less frustrating.

1. Everybody lies in their profiles - Sometimes the lies are blatant, like about age or weight or interests. Mostly the untruths come in the form mood, personality or attitude. Everybody is trying to sell themselves. That guy who talks about all the hiking and traveling and wine tasting he does? Probably pretty boring. The worst lies, of course, are when people present themselves as being open to a real relationship. Then you meet them and it couldn’t be more obvious that they were really looking for a) a therapist or someone to talk to or b) sex. Very, very few people are the person they present themselves as in their profile.. Almost everyone  writes themselves as happier, sexier, fitter and more engaging than they really are.

2. For every 5-7 first dates, maybe one will lead to a second date. – 1 or 2 will be complete busts. 1 you’ll end up sleeping with or getting swept up in the moment only to never hear from them again. 2 will say they’ll call again or would like to go out again only to disappear.

3. Bad phone doesn’t always mean bad date – We’ve discussed before that most men hate the phone step because they aren’t phone people. They get uncomfortable and awkward and don’t know what to say. They prefer to talk with us face to face. Regardless of the phone litmus test results, you should go out with someone anyway.

4. Request for additional pictures is rarely if ever a good sign - If someone asks for more pictures, then they’re basically looking for a reason to say no. They’re either emotionally burnt out or not taking the whole online dating thing seriously, they think your pictures hint at you being over weight (and to them 8 times out of 10 to them you will be) or they’ve met  a number of  “old picture” people and are now suspicious of everyone. And then there are the people who are looking for nothing more than to whack off and hoping the innocent picture trade will soon turn naughty.

5. People who put down their gender in their profile should be avoided -  Anybody who has to put others down in order to elevate themselves is insecure and/or unhappy.

6. If they say they’re looking for something casual, they are - Don’t fool yourself in to believing a date with you will change them. It won’t. They’re basically looking to fill their dance card. Not find one special person with whom they can have lots and lots of sex. You will be one of many.

7. The people who are happy to email for days leading to weeks on end should be avoided – Bottom line: Unless they tell you they’re out of town, they’re stalling. They’re not looking for someone to date. They’re looking for attention and little more.

8. People with only 1 photo are suspect – Somebody serious about meeting someone will have at least 2 (preferably 3) or more photos.

9. People with several photos of themselves where it’s obvious they said, “Take a picture of me!!” are also suspect – It’s one thing if there are photos of them on vacation or in front of a monument or doing some activity. It makes sense to snap a picture. But people who are obviously posing for shot after shot like..make that need… attention.

10. Verbose profiles are usually signs that the writer is self-involved or self-important - We’ve all seen those profiles. You have to scroll and scroll down the page, and most of what they include is completely innocuous and pointless. Especially people who go on and on about their music and film choices.

11. Flirty banter is good…to a point. - It’s fine if someone likes to be flirty via email. But there’s a line. If you get the sense that they can’t ever write an email without saying something flirty or that has innuendo, they’re looking for sex. They’re laying out the bait and waiting for you to bite. If they flirt but never try to set up a date, they’re on that site for attention only. Punch out, Maverick.

12. People on these sites are fickle- Someone could exchange a handful of emails with you, things are going really well and then….poof…they’re gone. They’ve found someone else. If they’re this fickle via email, they’ll be fickle in real life.

13. If they’re still trolling that site after after 5+ dates they’re still keeping they’re options open - This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Some people take their time before jumping in to relationships. But many people who do this are dating with a safety net. They’re afraid to focus on just one person. They have to have someone to go to should the first situation not work out. That is never a good sign.

14. Emotional ambivalence abounds on these sites -Newbies have a hard time leaving the candy store. The people who are emotionally scarred from previous relationship are scared off by someone who appears emotionally available. Accept that half the fish in that online dating pond would rather swim around than be caught. Believe it or not, those who are emotionally ambivalent tend to seek out or are drawn to others who are the same. You can not save these people. They’ll date someone for 4-6 weeks, then dump then, then go back online.

15. Emotional Availability works against you more often than not – Since there are so many scared little fishies in this pond, one sure fire thing that will scare them off is if you’re open and available. I can tell you that this, I believe, is the reason why so many people have great first and second dates and then get that Dear John/Jane letter. It wasn’t anything you said or did. It wasn’t because you didn’t sleep with them. It was because they perceived you as emotionally healthy and available and they aren’t.

16. If you’ve seen them on other sites off and on for more than a few years, avoid - There’s a reason why they’re still using these sites and it’s rarely that they’ve been in relationships. Quite the opposite. They’re serial daters. I’ve only been on two dates with two separate men that had profile creation dates that were more than 3 years old. Both times the men were completely burnt out and going through the motions.

17. The Fade is standard operating procedure - Don’t bother getting upset if someone falls off the planet. Don’t follow up with them a week or two later with some snarky retort. They don’t care. They never cared. Especially don’t do this if you’ve never met the person. Like I said above…if they engaged you in email banter and flirty texts but never made a move to meet, they were either lying about who they were or never available/interested in the first place.

18. They call it Online Dating for a reason - If you’re looking for a relationship and are one of those people who want to have “the talk” after 3-5 dates, look elsewhere. If you’re looking to date someone to see where it goes then try online dating.

19. If you’re female and over 38, accept that your experience will be difficult – You could be beautiful, fit, cultured, engaging, etc. Doesn’t matter. Men will look at your age and dismiss you. It sucks, but it’s how it is. You’re dealing with men who have reach their late 30′s or older who have never settled down, or who have and the fantasy crumbled so they’re jaded. They have baggage, financial issues and maybe even kids. They aren’t anxious to jump back in to commitment. Or they’ve spent much of their adult life avoiding it.

20. Online Dating sites are no place to be picky – Seriously, you’re on there for a reason, and that reason is that you’re not finding what you want offline. That means you need to re-evaluate your criteria.  The people who seem ideal almost always turn out to be fakers, any way.

Did I forget any?

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Over 40, Dating Profile Review, Dating Realities, Latests Posts, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , ,

Profile Review – Femme Fan

April 6, 2011 by 5 Comments

Ethnicity
White

Height
5′ 3″ (1.60m).

Body Type
Curvy

Diet
Mostly anything

Smokes
No

Drinks
Socially

Drugs
Never

Religion
Atheism and laughing about it

Sign
Leo but it doesn’t matter

Education
Graduated from college/university

Job
Political / Government

Income
$50,000–$60,000

Children
Has children

Pets
Likes dogs and Owns cats

Speaks
English (Fluently)

My self-summary
I love to laugh, I love to make other people laugh, I love learning about new things, and I miss not having a best male friend for movie dates, dancing, and chatting. Not looking to marry at this time but I want a relationship that’s a little bit more than a one night (or two night) stand. However, I know what I like and I’m not shy about sharing it.

What I’m doing with my life
I work for an enormous Federal agency as an editor and webmaster, live with my college student son, and our cat. I’ve enjoyed my last couple of jobs since they’ve gone from a “pay the bills” type job to career building jobs. I was a stay at home mom for a long time, and now I am making up for it. Also, buying a house and moving soon, but not too far away.

I’m really good at
Oh, lots of things. Message me and discover what they are.

The first things people usually notice about me
Probably, based on my pictures, that I’m laughing. To a lesser extent, I’ve lost 50 lbs. recently, and am on the road to losing even more (and I should really get a profile picture that reflects that), so maybe I should say size. So tell me guys, does size matter?, she said with a wink.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: My favorite books are by Jack L. Chalker and when we meet, I’ll tell you why. There’s always a book I’m reading by my bed. If you know of a great book you’d like to share, put it in a Wink and send it to me. I usually read about 3 books a week.

Movies: I love the classics, musicals, science fiction movies, space movies, documentaries, and chick flicks. I have to say that my favorite type of movie in one in which things get blown up. But I’ve also seen more than my share of movies directed by John Waters and Kevin Smith. Even though I no longer have small children, I still love animation, both contemporary and classic. My favorite cartoon of all time is BULLY FOR BUGS. What’s yours?

Shows: Big Bang Theory, and Glee are appointment TV for me, and there are a few other sitcoms I like, but if I miss them, no biggie. I’m wistful watching Mike & Molly, I think that guy is cute, and I’d love to have that relationship. I like watching TV I just can’t remember to do so.

Music: It’s easier to say what I don’t like rather than what I do, since I like so much. I’m not fond of hard-core rap, whiny country songs, or heavy metal but have found there’s one or two exceptions to that. Otherwise: I probably like it. If I don’t know much about it, I’m open to letting you teach me about it.

Favorite foods: Like music, easier to say what I don’t like: olives, kale, beets. I will admit that I find the most tempting parts of a menu are the appetizers and desserts. I like wine and mixed drinks more than beer but I do like a nice cold beer on a hot day. Can’t abide Bud, though. But I’ve enjoyed beer samplers at brewpubs that were heavenly.

The six things I could never do without
I suspect the things I could never do without might turn out to be things I could do without if necessary. However, I like my gadgets (cell phone, MP3 player that I have games on), I like doing crafts, I adore reading, and I really like my job, and particularly like being paid. I guess the short answer is money & fun.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Everything.

On a typical Friday night I am
Watching TV, reading, hanging out with my kid, wasting time (enjoyably) online. If it’s the third Friday of the month, I’m at a science fiction meetup. (I am SUCH a geek.) I’d rather be meeting people and doing things but somehow I always end up doing things with friends on Saturdays rather than Fridays.

If it’s the second or fourth Saturday of the month, I’m at a different science fiction meetup. The friends I’ve made there are the closest I’ve ever come to being in my ideal community.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I have a hard time hearing people on the phone so I prefer email or chat to telephone calls. I’ve had a couple of OKC dates worm my phone number out of me, and then call me up and either I spend a long time asking them to repeat things, or I have to guess at what he’s saying. I’m fine chatting face to face. And isn’t the point here to actually MEET people face to face rather than chatting on the phone?

Does anyone ever answer this question with something provocative? Do any women answer it by saying something like, “Hell, yes, I *will* go to that swingers club with you but only if you promise to worship me as a goddess”? If OK Cupid wants to get rid of a section, this would be a good place to start.

I’m looking for

* Guys who like girls
* Ages 45-66
* Near me
* Who are single
* For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners

You should message me if
Someone whose opinion I respect, who is an online dating consultant (and it’s a shame I can’t afford her services!), says a dating profile should be two paragraphs: one paragraph about yourself, and one about the partner you hope to attract. So this is probably the best place for the latter.

If you could look at the range of guys I’ve dated, you can see a variety from nerdy looking guys to big hairy bears, to a David Bowie look-alike, and see that I have no ideal physical type. However, almost of all of them have been scary-smart guys, or at least both smart and funny. Lucky for you, I assume if you waded through my entire profile you’re smart enough for me. And also you are looking for someone in your life who could be one special woman or could be your next good friend. But you’ll never know what could be unless you send that message. Go ahead. I’m waiting. Are you man enough to be my man?

 

 

Okay. Let’s start from the top.

I love to laugh, I love to make other people laugh, I love learning about new things, and I miss not having a best male friend for movie dates, dancing, and chatting. Not looking to marry at this time but I want a relationship that’s a little bit more than a one night (or two night) stand. However, I know what I like and I’m not shy about sharing it.

What are you looking for? It’s not clear to me as I read your profile. You mentioned dating, then friends, and have a few sexual references peppered throughout. A wise person once told me not to try to be everything to everyone, and they were right. Figure out what you’re looking for and write to that person. What are you not shy about sharing?  Because, well, you’re not really sharing anything. Are you referring to your sexual proclivities?We’ll get to that in a abit. But for now you need a better self-description, as this one doesn’t exactly work. Who are you? How would your friends describe you? Get a friend to offer up a few adjectives and use those. I see people who do that all the time. They say “My friends would describe me as…” While I find that approach boring, it’s a good place to start.

Probably, based on my pictures, that I’m laughing. To a lesser extent, I’ve lost 50 lbs. recently, and am on the road to losing even more (and I should really get a profile picture that reflects that), so maybe I should say size. So tell me guys, does size matter?, she said with a wink.

I like the beginning. If the fact that you’re frequently laughing is what people notice about you first, that’s a great thing. The stuff about your weight needs to go. You’re justifying here. And you’re right. You need pictures that reflect the “new” you. We’ll get to that, too. This is one of those sections where you’re really not expected to say much, so don’t. Leave it at how you’re often found somewhere laughing at a story or joke.  The size line? Lose it.

If you know of a great book you’d like to share, put it in a Wink and send it to me. I usually read about 3 books a week.

I LOVE this. I think it’s great to give people an ice breaker or conversation starter. Keep this in. People are always asking what they should say in their intro emails. That’s once place a lot of people trip up, which is why they just use the wink/flirt feature. This option has gotten a bad reputation, but I think it’s one more people should employ. Let’s face it…online dating can be really time consuming and frustrating. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to streamline the process by using both the wink and email feature. If you really get stuck about what to say in an intro email, use a wink. People who get all pissy about winks and think they’re lazy need to come around to this and understand that many people are taking a minimalist approach to online dating in order to conserve time and energy. And if you think about it, the less you say online, the better. There’s less to analyze and less chance for confusion or misinterpretation. Just get to the offline date. The longer you engage in the online conversations or text conversation, the more you are forming a specific image of this person. Which can only lead to disappointment. You’ll never know if you and they are truly compatible until you meet.Don’t waste time with ongoing email or text messaging. Just meet.

I’m wistful watching Mike & Molly, I think that guy is cute, and I’d love to have that relationship. I like watching TV I just can’t remember to do so.

You can leave out this line or just include Mike & Molly as one of your favorite shows. You don’t want to talk about a relationship on television as though it’s real life. That might make people think you have overly romanticised ideas about relationships. Those ideals are hard to live up to, so someone might abandon the profile all together thinking they’ll fail somehow.

I will admit that I find the most tempting parts of a menu are the appetizers and desserts.

This isn’t necessary. You’re telling people you just lost weight in one section. Then in this one you refer to your love of the greasy/fattening foods. If you’re serious about losing weight, then you’re not going to be eating this stuff often enough that it’s worth a mention. Despite what long-time commenter DMN said, the concern someone has for their health really is an issue. If you are overweight, and you care enough about it to try and lose it, this line pretty much voids out your previous claim of dieting.

and particularly like being paid. I guess the short answer is money & fun.

Your mention of your fondness for money could end up being misconstrued. Take it out.

I have a hard time hearing people on the phone so I prefer email or chat to telephone calls. I’ve had a couple of OKC dates worm my phone number out of me, and then call me up and either I spend a long time asking them to repeat things, or I have to guess at what he’s saying. I’m fine chatting face to face. And isn’t the point here to actually MEET people face to face rather than chatting on the phone?

If you’re hearing impaired then mention that in your About Me section. But don’t make a big production out of this. Right now, I’m picturing a conversation with you like the one I had with my 80 year old uncle last night, where I was shouting almost to the point of going horse and repeating myself over and over. Conjuring up an image in your profile is great, just not this kind of image.

Do any women answer it by saying something like, “Hell, yes, I *will* go to that swingers club with you but only if you promise to worship me as a goddess”? If OK Cupid wants to get rid of a section, this would be a good place to start.

Alrighty. Let’s talk about the sexual references. I was never a fan of mentioning or alluding to sex in a profile. But I’ve come around to it as long as it’s done as more of a wink than a big, fat anvil being dropped on the reader’s head. As part of the who I’m looking for section, I mention I ‘m hoping to meet someone who is as much fun relaying the details of their day over a bottle of wine as they are as a morning shower companion. If you like sex and sex is important to you, it’s okay to mention it. Most people consider libido nurturing important.  Just don’t make it an obvious mention. That’s going to attract every guy on OKC just looking for a one night stand, or to be dominated or something else “kinky.” Unless that’s what you like. In which case, Godspeed. These mentions are rather make you sound like you’re trying too hard.

Someone whose opinion I respect, who is an online dating consultant (and it’s a shame I can’t afford her services!), says a dating profile should be two paragraphs: one paragraph about yourself, and one about the partner you hope to attract. So this is probably the best place for the latter.

You can lose this. It’s unnecessary and just adds to the length of the profile.

Lucky for you, I assume if you waded through my entire profile you’re smart enough for me…Are you man enough to be my man?

I really, really dislike lines like this. They’re smarmy. This is OKCupid, not Mensa. The tone and intention is lost. So if you’re trying to be cutesy or sarcastic it could fall flat and make you look like a woman who likes to berate men. I don’t get that sense from you. A line like this can KILL an otherwise good profile.

Your photos are, well, not great. One is taken from a distance. The other two are head shots. The other, the one with your son at graduation, isn’t really a clear shot. You need 3 photos. One good head shot that isn’t a professional shot. No pictures taken for work or the like. The next should be a social shot. You can keep the one at your son’s graduation if you like as long as you have a good head shot. The last needs to be a full body shot.

Anyone else have anything?

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Over 40, Dating Profile Review, Latests Posts, Online Dating

Dating Profile Review – Mada Hatter

March 23, 2011 by 14 Comments

Ethnicity
White

Height
5′ 4″ (1.62m).

Body Type
Average

Diet
—

Smokes
When drinking

Drinks
Often

Drugs
Never

Religion
Judaism but not too serious about it

Sign
Aries

Education
Graduated from masters program

Job
Sales / Marketing / Biz Dev

Income
—

Children
Likes children

Pets
Likes dogs and Dislikes cats

Speaks
English, Spanish, French

My self-summary
So, about me. The cheese that I ordered last week (from a selection at the Black Mountain Inn in Gowanus, by the way, a really nice place) was described as ‘Delicately Complex.’ That’s sooooo me.

I have a hard time taking myself, other people, and life in general too seriously. Though I will still be happy to argue about politics for about 15 minutes passionately. But then I get really tired of it. I don’t have the longest attention span or anything.

I am also an writer and film producer which means I spend some time clacking on a keyboard and cracking myself up.

Life has led to me to live in some strange and interesting places – Bogota & Salt Lake City…SLC was way weirder. I liked Colombia. I felt taller there.

I’m a Philly sports fan. So yes, Yankees girls, you will want to punch me. Welcome! I’m a golfer. My dad went to college on a caddy scholarship. Yup, like Caddyshack. I like hiking, tennis, skiing, biking…but I am not incredibly intense about any of these things. I really only get intense about stupid topics like existential literature, or someone’s really stupid strategy on Survivor, or how The Wire is the best television show ever.

So fictional things tend to have undue sway over my life, is what I’m saying. Sounding good, right?

Oh, and I am seriously allergic to cats so that eliminates about half the girls on here. So…who’s left? Buehler? Anyone?

What I’m doing with my life
I have, at various times in my life, been a teacher, theater director, writer, and actor, a film producer, and right now have a more stable existence in marketing and communications.

I’m just moved to Prospect Heights, Brooklyn and am excited about the new ‘hood and being near the big old park. I want a dog and think this might be the year to get one. I’ve moved ever year for the last 4 years, so maybe I can stick somewhere. But I do always like to see new things, so who knows.

I’m really good at
getting the dancing started at weddings; shouting funny things at softball games; getting lost in foreign countries; coming up with great ideas for movie scenes that I never remember the next day; making cutting, sarcastic remarks; wandering around the office and procrastinating…and I’m a decent golfer, too.

The first things people usually notice about me
I am short, so if you are pining for that guy who models H&M clothes, it is not me. But as long as I can still spin you around while dancing without looking stupid, I don’t care. This rubric works up to a surprisingly tall height.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: so, so many. I am a literature whore (somehow, sounds better than ‘geek’) and pretty indiscriminate in my range. Will just give you the latest. In love with the Sicilian detective novels of Andrea Camilleri – funny mysteries with great descriptions of Italian food. Liking Turkish writer Orhan Pamuk and Jose Saramongo from Portugal. I read some Americans too, especially noirish mysteries.

Movies: I still love the Godfather 1 and 2 and can’t help but watch them every time they end up on TV. I miss the era of silly comedies like Young Frankenstein, but Hot Tub Time Machine was a pretty good effort for these days. Okay, and I have a soft spot for School of Rock, God help me. Must be the former teacher in me.

TV: I cannot watch procedural dramas. I need a story arc. I am of the school that The Wire is the best thing to ever land on TV. Ready for a new season of Mad Men. Friday Night Lights has been really strong. Community is overtaking 30 Rock for me. And the Larry Sanders show re-runs on IFC this year have been good fun. I also can occasionally give myself up to reality show nonsense, but usually those that involve an objective (Survivor, Amazing Race) than those that just feel creepy and voyeuristic (anything on MTV).

Music: saw Cracker recently at the Highline Ballroom, it rekindled by love for late 80s-early 90s rock (will always love Pixies.) Recent downloads range from Jimi Hendrix in Band of Gypsys, Emily Wells, Nanci Griffith, Cannonball Adderly. I’m not real consistent.

Food: a good risotto can be a somewhat heavenly experience. Italian food and jewish delis still do the trick.

The six things I could never do without
The existence of dogs; old friends; new places to go; naps; my mom’s chocolate chip macaroons; and the hope that the Eagles will win a Super Bowl.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
ways to stop thinking so damn much

On a typical Friday night I am
roaming the streets; finally eating a nice dinner for a change; checking out some music; sometimes, just chilling and getting some down time with a book or movie.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I once chewed on cocoa leaves with an indigenous tribe in the Amazon…can I be arrested for that?

I’m looking for

* Girls who like guys
* Ages 26-42
* Near me
* Who are single
* For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

You should message me if
you want to grab coffee, happy hour, or just have a good idea of something to do that would be more fun with me around, which is pretty much everything!

SEE PROFILE HERE

Alrighty. The first thing I’ll comment on is that this profile is way too long. We have a minimum of about 5 seconds to engage a person who is viewing our profile. If the pictures aren’t strong enough, people will most likely abandon the profile before ever reading the text. As they are right now, the choice of photos and the sequence in which you put them do not work for you.

Remove the photo of you on the couch. For one, it has pictures of children on your lap. A no no. I’m sure they’re relatives of the kids of a friend. But the impression or images that photos like that conjure up are enough to make someone close their browser. That’s true for anyone.

Remove the photo of you with the two females wearing the black sweaters. Here’s why. See how your coat is between you and the woman in the middle? See the space between you two? See her smile? She doesn’t look comfortable. That’s not an impression you want to make on someone. You have your arm around her shoulder and she looks sort of..tense. Maybe she just doesn’t like to have her photo taken. Maybe she’s having a bad day. Whatever the reason, there’s tension in that photo. You don’t want people feeling anything negative while viewing your profile. So ditch that photo.

I actually like the picture of you with your male friend golfing. I’d use that as the second photo. Or even crop it so it’s just you and use it as your primary photo.

Take out the third photo of you in front of the village. It’s taken at a weird angle and isn’t flattering. Also get rid of the photo of you in front of the mini-van with the two women. For one, it’s taken from too far away. For two, you may end up coming across like you’re trying to prove something by posting photos of yourself with females.

Now, let’s get to the text.

The cheese that I ordered last week (from a selection at the Black Mountain Inn in Gowanus, by the way, a really nice place) was described as ‘Delicately Complex.’ That’s sooooo me.

Complex. First? Being complex is not a good thing. It’s akin to difficult. I guarantee you that you’re not nearly as complex as you think. Someone who calls themselves complex, or anything else that implies they’re somehow “different” in an atypical way,  usually perceived as being self-important. Like calling yourself a smartypants or something along those lines.

Though I will still be happy to argue about politics for about 15 minutes passionately. But then I get really tired of it. I don’t have the longest attention span or anything.

So now you’re complex and argumentative and flaky. These are not selling points. Take these lines out.You don’t want a woman wondering if you’ll tire of her the way you tire of talking about politics, something you’re passionate about.

I really only get intense about stupid topics like existential literature, or someone’s really stupid strategy on Survivor, or how The Wire is the best television show ever.

Intense is another buzzword that nobody should use in their profile. Intense hints at aggression. We reveal so much more about ourselves than we realize when we write, starting with our word choice. So far, you’re really not depicting yourself in a good light.You’re getting “intense” about things that don’t really matter to most people. In fact, I can’t tell you how many profiles I read where people make it a point to say that they don’t have a television or think television is stupid. My personal opinion? People who say that are trying to sound intellectual but fail and end up coming off pretentious.

Oh, and I am seriously allergic to cats so that eliminates about half the girls on here. So…who’s left? Buehler? Anyone?

I don’t think you mean this to sound like you’re making fun of the whole “single cat lady” stereotype. But that is a possible common interpretation of this statement. Ha ha. We get it. We’re single. We have a cat. I think you’re smart to include this allergy in your profile. I’m seeing this more and more often to the point where I wonder if guys are just saying it to avoid a “certain type” of woman.  I rarely if ever see this in profiles written by women. You need to re-word this to make yourself sound less like you’re making fun of women with cats. A simple statement that says “For those who might have pets – I’m seriously allergic to cats. Just an FYI….”

I’ve moved ever year for the last 4 years, so maybe I can stick somewhere. But I do always like to see new things, so who knows.

This, along with your other expression of having a short attention span, could read as unreliable. Wanderlust is normal. But you don’t want someone to read that and wonder if you’re going to stick around. Are you going to stick around?

making cutting, sarcastic remarks;

Okay…you do understand that making “cutting” remarks and being proud of it is disturbing, right? Get that line out of there. Pronto.

so if you are pining for that guy who models H&M clothes, it is not me.

Why do you say that? You sound overly defensive here. And you’re also implying that women are all shallow.

whore (somehow, sounds better than ‘geek’)

No, it really doesn’t. Geek is a better word. Many, MANY women find “geeks” very attractive. Cut down this whole section. It’s superfluous and kind of unimportant.

I’m going to be honest and say that  my sense is that you’re a guy who bats out of league and has developed a latent anger towards women. I’m only telling you this because I’m a female and I think a lot of women would pick up on exactly what I’m picking up on and would pass on your profile. You might believe that it’s your height that is holding you back, but I don’t think so. I think it’s your underlying frustrated and maybe a bit angry tone. You need to soften this up a bit. You have some really great lines here that make you come across interesting, well-traveled and quirky. It’s not the same tired tripe we all hear. But your word choice could really work against you. If you’re looking for a relationship then you need to make yourself sound less pointed and flakey. The parts that I didn’t cross out are good. But you can do better and make yourself sound less abrasive.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Profile Review, Latests Posts, Online Dating

Profile Review – Absolut Romantic

March 15, 2011 by 23 Comments

See Full Profile Here

Ethnicity
White

Height
5′ 5″ (1.65m).

Body Type
Fit

Diet
—

Smokes
No

Drinks
Socially

Drugs
Never

Religion
Catholicism but not too serious about it

Sign
Cancer

Education
Graduated from college/university

Job
Executive / Management

My self-summary
I live on the UWS and enjoy travel, cooking, and running/working out. I love learning new things and challenging myself, and get a huge sense of accomplishment from trying things I previously thought I couldn’t do.
I’m very loyal and dedicated to the things that are important to me. When I get a goal in mind, I throw myself into it wholeheartedly until I reach it – I can be pretty tenacious about getting it done!

I am cheerful, passionate, and adventurous

What I’m doing with my life
I like to be as busy as possible – surprisingly, I have more fun and get more done when I’m totally swamped, whereas when I feel like I don’t have enough to do, I get lazy and procrastinate. I’m an avid traveler, and broke the world record as the youngest woman to run a marathon in all 50 states.

On the work front, I’ve bounced around between strategy consulting and airline revenue management, but now have achieved the perfect mix by doing consulting for airlines. I travel a lot for work during the week, and spend my weeknights exploring the local hotspots wherever I may be. If I’m in NYC on a weeknight, I’m most likely to head home after work for some cooking, wine, and relaxation.

I usually try to pack a lot into my weekends. I’m a huge fan of brunch and have quite a few favorite spots. As far as going out, I prefer bars/house parties to the club/lounge scene, but my taste in bars ranges from upscale to dives. I can be picky about my drinks, though – sometimes I’m in the mood for a cocktail or good wine, but other times I want to kick back with a pint of a quality microbrew (I can’t stand Bud/Coors/etc, no matter how cheap the drink special).

I’m really good at
planning fun things to do – I always have a list of places I want to try. I’m also on a lot of event listservs, so my friends are often contacting me for new things to do. I get bummed out when my calendar doesn’t have anything on it and I have too much free time on my hands… but then I rediscover how much I love just relaxing in bed and catching up on my full DVR and bookshelf.

The first things people usually notice about me
I smile a lot, and am very friendly and outgoing – the type who makes friends with the doorman and the hotel concierge. I actually enjoy making small talk and meeting new people.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
My reading preferences are extremely eclectic; fortunately, I’m a very fast reader so I can read it all! Recent favorite novels include Gregory David Roberts’ “Shantaram” and some silly chick lit that I’m sure none of you guys would know :) I also really enjoy nonfiction, particularly biographies, health/fitness books, social psychology, and history (currently loving “The Zeroes” by Randall Lane).

For no particular reason, I am the worst about movies: I enjoy them fine, but never get around to going. I keep meaning to make it a project to watch the IMDB top 20, but haven’t gotten around to it yet. For now, my favorites are mostly chick flicks and romantic comedies (e.g., Mean Girls, Legally Blonde, Center Stage, The Holiday). That said, if you want to be my partner in crime, I’d love some nights of catch up!

My music taste, like my reading, is pretty broad. I like top 40ish pop and love country – mostly the newer artists like Taylor Swift and Rascal Flatts. Also, I started college as a musical theater major (yes, I was a “Glee”-ish nerd in high school) and I did my freshman year at NYU in pursuit of that dream before transferring to Cornell to study business, so I still have a soft spot in my heart for showtunes.

I love to cook, and tend to use healthy ingredients when I do. Therefore, when I go out to dinner, I usually splurge on something decadent/rich or something I can’t easily make myself. I love going out for the experience of it, so I rarely eat fast food or takeout (though I’m not opposed to a fun pizza-and-movie-night at home from time to time). I will try just about any food at least once, no matter how unusual it may be.

The six things I could never do without
1. My friends/family
2. My cell phone and laptop – I’m very social, and it’s important to me to feel connected as much as possible
3. My sneakers – I feel like a sloth if I don’t get some kind of exercise in every day, even if it’s just taking the stairs instead of the elevator at the end of the night
4. The ability to learn something new
5. Another trip on the horizon (planning it can be almost as much fun as actually going)
6. A little black dress and pink lip gloss :)

I spend a lot of time thinking about
My next adventure – be it a week-long trip to the Caribbean or a new restaurant opening in my neighborhood.

I’m looking for

* Guys who like girls
* Ages 24-34
* Near me
* Who are single
* For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners

You should message me if
You like my profile and you’re brave enough to actually ask me on a date (not just message back and forth and then put me into the awkward and unfeminine spot of having to ask you out).

The biggest drawback I’ve seen to online dating is that you may really like someone on paper, and then it’s not that they were misrepresenting themselves, but you meet and just don’t have any chemistry. I’d rather meet up sooner instead of later to figure that out without wasting anyone’s time.

See Full Profile Here

I’ve italicized and put in bold some statements that trip some of my internal triggers.

  • planning fun things to do – I always have a list of places I want to try.
  • I usually try to pack a lot into my weekends
  • I feel like a sloth if I don’t get some kind of exercise in every day, even if it’s just taking the stairs instead of the elevator at the end of the night
  • 2. My cell phone and laptop – I’m very social, and it’s important to me to feel connected as much as possible

Okay. I have to take a breath, as I’m a little winded. You sound like a fire cracker, which is a great thing. However, it almost sounds like you always have to be on the go. Which could be inferred as requiring constant stimulation. That can be a bit of a minus, as some men – well, many men -  might assume you’re high maintenance. High energy is great. But if it sounds like you always have to be going, going, going someone is going to wonder if there’s deeper issues at work.

Catholicism but not too serious about it - Sites like OKCupid are chock full of Atheists and Agnostics. The goal for your profile is to get you a date, not a relationship. So you don’t want to be too upfront about some of the more controversial sticking points like faith or politics. Choose spiritual or leave it blank. Frankly, how you vote, who you sleep with and who you pray to is nobody’s business.

I can be pretty tenacious – The image that that statement conjures up is a dog who won’t let go of his master’s slipper. Meaning, that word can be construed in a way as to make you sound either combative or relentless. The sentence is superfluous. You can remove it and someone will still understand what you’re trying to convey…you set goals and meet them. An excellent trait. It’s great to be driven. But you don’t want to seem obsessively so, know what I mean?

  • I like to be as busy as possible
  • when I’m totally swamped
  • I travel a lot for work during the week,

You mention a few times that you’re very busy, travel a lot and aren’t really around much. Now, if I’m a guy looking for a woman to get to know and hang out with on a consistent but even casual level, I’m crossing you off my list. Trying to make plans will be difficult. If I’m a guy who’s pretty unavailable and not looking for anything remotely substantive, I’m going to think you’re my girl. You’re rarely around, so you won’t require much work. If you’re hoping to find someone with whom you can have a supportive relationship, you have to be sure to make yourself sound available, both emotionally and in the physical sense. (Not sexual.)

I can’t stand Bud/Coors/etc, no matter how cheap the drink special – Mmm..this makes you sound high maintenance, too. It’s another line you don’t need. You made your point in the previous sentence when you said you enjoy a quality micro-brew. A girl who can drink beer is a big plus.

Also, I started college as a musical theater major (yes, I was a “Glee”-ish nerd in high school) and I did my freshman year at NYU in pursuit of that dream – I’d take this out. Only because men hear “actress” and think “drama queen/emotional.”

I love going out for the experience of it, so I rarely eat fast food or takeout (though I’m not opposed to a fun pizza-and-movie-night at home from time to time). – Oh, yeah. Take this out. For one, you contradict yourself. You rarely eat take out but you’re happy to order in with a guy if he suggests it. You’re being too eager to please. Plus, this line may be interpreted as “A Girl’s Gotta Eat!” and that you’re just looking for a free meal.

You like my profile and you’re brave enough to actually ask me on a date (not just message back and forth and then put me into the awkward and unfeminine spot of having to ask you out). -It’s not wise to emasculate a man in to contacting you. :) This is unnecessary and makes you sound combative. All you have to say is that someone should contact you if they’d like to know more and grab a drink.

The biggest drawback I’ve seen to online dating is that you may really like someone on paper, and then it’s not that they were misrepresenting themselves, but you meet and just don’t have any chemistry. I’d rather meet up sooner instead of later to figure that out without wasting anyone’s time. - This can go, too. Don’t let other people know you’ve had any other dates or been disappointed. Let each guy think they’re walking in to a situation with a clean slate.

PHOTOS:Your pictures are perfect! Don’t change them. You have a couple alone, one with a friend at a party, a full body shot. I like them. I think they’re really cute and fun and make you look very easy to get along with.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Profile Review, Latests Posts, Online Dating