Name Jemima J
Profile URL: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/TamaraR
What Has Your Experience Been With This Profile?: Ever since I changed it to bitchy mode I get at least one email per day but nothing resulting in dates. Before, I had a straight to the point “This is Me” profile. I got one date. It went no where. That’s it. I do get more activity since I changed my profile from saying “curvy” but seriously, I think someone is going to say there’s false advertising.
I changed my profile because I have been on dating sites for over 5 years, maybe 8 years now. But I didn’t get anything. My roommate joins and in 5 days she has weeks worth of dates lined up. Me? Still single? Her? Still dating guys she meets online and in bars. Shoot me, please?
Let’s first address the fact that you’re comparing your experience to your roommate’s experience.
A few months ago, I was at the gym. I made the crucial mistake of looking at the dashboard of the treadmill occupied by the woman next to me. She was running at a high speed and didn’t seem to be struggling. I looked at my dashboard, my pace much slower than hers, and I got so frustrated and disappointed that I just left the gym. I got home and called a girlfriend who has mentored me here and there in regards to my work outs. She’s a married Mom of 2, works out regularly and has the body and discipline to show for it. She gave me some really incredible advice. She said, “Don’t compare yourselves to the performance of others. Do what you can do. She’s probably been running for a long time. You can’t expect to be where she’s at in term of endurance. Just getting to the gym is a success in its own way. Also remember that that woman is probably looking at someone’s body in the gym and, when she’s having an off day, feeling that very sense of frustration and disappointment.”
You can’t compare your roommate’s online dating experience to yours. She is not you and you are not her. From what you say, her experience is atypical. Most people don’t have “weeks” worth of dates lined up within the first five days of signing on to a website. If that truly is the case, then she’s going out with anybody that asks. I used to read a blog by a woman in Manhattan who was my age. She, like your roommate, had multiple dates a week. Week after week, month after month, year after year. She always had a reason why her Bachelors of the Week wasn’t going to be her Mr. Right. And then..it stopped. She had turned 40. It’s all fun and games at first. But that well does eventually dry up. That’s something women need to understand. Enjoy that steady stream of suitors while it lasts. Just know that it won’t last. Never think that the women who book date after date have it better than you. They really don’t. They actually shoot themselves in the foot by doing this. They have so many option that they think they don’t have to choose just one. Then one day they wake up and suddenly they’re lucky to get an email or two a week.
Yes, if your roommate is slender and younger, she’s going to get more attention. I don’t think I’m telling you anything you don’t know when I say that dating in general is difficult for many plus size women. You’ve hot on the first reason why you’re not getting the results you want. Men will respond to your “bitchy” profile because they sense your frustration and think they have an in with you. They’re either pandering to you (which is what weak men do) or they’re blowing smoke up your skirt thinking you’re desperate. I’ve posted all kinds of test profiles on OKCupid, one of which was the “I’m so over all of this. Screw you guys, I’m going home” one. I literally cringed with embarrassment for the guys who would reply to such an ad. Who the hell wants to date someone exhibiting such negativity? Desperate doormats, that’s who. You do yourself no favors by being bitchy in your profile. You make yourself a mark. The only people who will respond are the ones who identify with it or want to exploit it. I know people think that showing everybody their “real” side is “refreshingly honest.” It’s not. It shows poor judgment. It’s foolish. Hate to break it to you, kids, but nobody wants to see the “real” you so soon. Nobody wants to read about your problems or childhood issues before they’ve met you, either. We don’t want to know the dark secrets right out of the gate.
I’m not going to comment on the actually text in the ad because you know it’s atrocious. You have only one photo, a shot of you from the shoulders up, which is also a no no. That is the calling card of the overweight woman. Just because you didn’t include a body type in your ad doesn’t mean people can’t figure it out. No matter what your body type is, you need to show it in a photo. Nobody is going to respond to a profile where a man or woman doesn’t offer – at the very least – a clear head shot and a clear body shot.
You are what you are. Either learn to love your body or lose weight. Those are your two choices. If you haven’t been offering real transparency as to how you look, that’s a main factor as to why you’re not getting many responses. If your profile even mildly reeks of the negativity displayed in this profile, that’s the other reason you aren’t having the experience you want. Your “straight to the point” profile sounds like it was off-putting, too. Men don’t want to date the no no-nonsense, sassy, take me or leave me women. That’s not attractive or feminine. I’m guessing you need to soften your approach. Men aren’t approaching you because you’re probably coming off angry in some way.