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Why He’ll Have Sex With You But Won’t Date You

May 22, 2013 by 36 Comments

Name: Lindywomen-upset-after-sex-780x520
Comment: I met a guy through my work a while back. At first, he was just another customer, but he became a regular and so most of our staff got to know him by name, what he liked, chatted about little details in ours/his life, etc. I wasn’t interested at first, he’s younger than me, a little out of my league (he’s very built to my curvy size 12), and we didn’t seem to have that much in common. He’s very into the workout scene, martial arts, ultimate fighting. I’m not a gym fan (though I do work out at home), and I don’t really like violent sports. (Though I suppose you could argue all contact sports are violent in their own way.) But we carried on some harmless flirtation, goofing off when he’d come in. Whatever.

We became friends on facebook. He had a girlfriend, I had a boyfriend, but he would occasionally send me messages “Hey, what’s up?” after hours. They weren’t ever flirty, we’d talk about our weekend plans, comment on some event in the city, and move on. Skip to about 6-8 months later, I’m single, he’s single. I had, on occasion, invited him out when we’d message about weekend plans, not really expecting him to show, which he didn’t. Now we’re both single and he sends me another message, I invite him out and we start some heavy flirty, sexy chit chat, what have you. He doesn’t come out, already at a friends house watching “the fight,” but the next night we meet up specifically to hook up. It was the best sex of my life (so far).

We hook up again a few nights later, I texted him, went to his place again. He has yet to come to mine and we’ve hooked up a few times over a couple months. Some with me prompting through drunk texting.

I know where I went wrong with him. I started the whole thing off with sex. I don’t mean that in the way with sleeping with someone on the first date can be a bad lead in. I mean, there has been no date. It’s only been sex. And I also know that there won’t be a relationship with this guy, even if I want the opportunity. I’m not a complete idiot. If he wanted to see me outside of HIS bedroom, he would. Simple as that.

I don’t hear from him often (though he constantly likes my photos and comments on facebook), but I ran into him recently and we had an impromptu lunch. We flirted heavily, me trying to hold back because I don’t want to jump into this again with him knowing the results. I told him about some changes with my work, how my schedule is opening up, seriously as just to say I’m excited about the changes, and he sees it as an opportunity to “sort of” ask me out. I say “sort of” because we didn’t make definite plans. He says he’ll text me and we’ll go see a movie Friday. I did get texts from him earlier in the week. But Friday has come and gone with no word.

I realize that his flirtation and mention of a date was his way of trying to keep the door open for more hook ups. And if that’s all I wanted, I’d be okay with that. So of course, since I want more, I’m disappointed. But that really isn’t my question.

I gave this guy the wrong impression. I started it out with sex, combined with a few drunk texts, he seems to think I drink a lot, an obvious turn off by his comments in conversation. But truth is, I really don’t. When he and I were hooking up, I was dealing with a rough situation with a friend, and was going out to distract myself. He just got caught in the drunk text blur.

I know I can’t salvage a potential something besides sex with this guy, even though I’d like to, but my question is: Is it worth my time to try and explain my actions to him, even when I know it won’t make a difference relationship-wise?
Age: 28
City: Memphis
State: TN

 

No, it’s not. He’s not interested in anything more than an occasional hook up.  He’s made little to effort with you beyond Liking a Facebook status. You’re done the majority of the pursuing. When he’s available, he participates. When he’s not, he doesn’t. It sounds like you kind of force situations and conversations and he just sort of goes with it to be polite or if he’s horny. Hence his half-assed plans for the movie on Friday.

You can belabor this for as long as you’d like.  It has nothing to do with how things started off or your drinking or any other combination of mishaps that has created this Perfect Storm in your head. He’ll have sex with you, but he’s not interested in dating you. That’s it. Side note: Anybody who makes snarky comments about whatever lifestyle choice you make, be it religion or drinking or whatever, is a douche. Tell him to take his pious bullshit elsewhere. He enjoys watching grown men punch each other in the face. That’s not exactly high brow entertainment. That’s a step above cock fighting.

There are plenty of reasons for why this turned out the way it did. It could be that he’s just not looking for anything too heavy or obligated right now. Or it could be that he doesn’t feel you have enough in common to have a full-fledged relationship. Or, and gird your loins folks, it could be that he’s attracted enough to you to have sex with you but not enough to actually date you.

I’m reminded of this gem of a comment from that atrocious Thought Catalog piece about “skinny minnie” speeddating:

And best of all, heavier women almost always want to please their men and really enjoy a man’s company. I’m serious, heavy women are great, not to say that thin women cannot be fun, but in my experience thin women are full of trouble and usually very high maintenance.

Translation: Fat girls try harder! Derp.

The brutal reality is that some guys actually think like that. Heavy girls are more desperate and eager to please, etc.

OP, I’m going to place my bet on the fact that he’s not attracted to you enough to date you. Either that or he places high importance on working out and staying “fit” and he thinks you don’t. Either way, this guy sounds like a flaming asshole. Stop talking to him, stop texting him and move on. Most importantly, stop looking for this guy’s approval, because you’re never going to get it.

He’ll take the sex when you offer it, but outside of that I’m not sure he’s terribly interested in you. The way this started did not play into how it turned out.

 

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Filed Under: casual sex, Dating, Dating & Weight, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Facebook, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Who You Date At 21 Probably Isn’t Who You Will Date At 31

May 5, 2013 by 12 Comments

Name: Jensingle-mom-dating-615x265
Comment: During my third year of undergrad, I became pregnant by my fiancée. We moved in together before we were married, but I’m glad that we did because he revealed his true colors. He became physically abusive, so I left him and no longer have contact with him. I am finishing undergrad and working toward becoming a medical doctor. I am an attractive, intelligent, African American woman who is very open-minded. Though I am young, I consider myself to be mature and wise beyond my years due to my life experiences. I prefer to date older men and would like a chivalrous Christian man who is successful in his career and shares some commonalities with me but also has some differences as I believe that some differences make for a more interesting relationship. I’ve read on here before that many men prefer not to date women with (a) child(ren) because they feel that it would hinder her spontaneity. I don’t feel that that is true for me. Another question that I commonly see asked of the OP is “what makes you different?” I feel that what makes me different is the fact that I am very open-minded and love to experience and enjoy life. Due to my open-mindedness and love of people, I have found it very easy to find common ground with a wide range of people of many backgrounds and walks of life. My child is eight months young but very low maintenance. Although I don’t plan to date until I finished med school (at the age of 28), I would like to know how you think my situation affects my date-ability.
Age: 21
City: Richmond
State: VA

Answering this question now seems a little pointless. By the time you reach 28, you’re probably going to be a significantly different person. As will your I have no doubt totally low maintenance eight year-old child.

The problem I’m seeing here is that you think nothing applies to you. Not only are you different, but you’re baby is different. That speaks to a) you’re lack of self-awareness and b) your lack of maturity. Not that I’m expecting you to be fully actualized. I don’t. You’re 21. You’re supposed to be figuring out who you are.

There are certain things we can think about ourselves that are acceptable up until the point where we say them out loud. Anybody who identifies or describes themselves as “wise beyond their years” typically isn’t. Yes, you have some experiences under your belt that other people your age don’t. And those tribulations will absolutely affect how you see yourself, men, relationships etc. But you are discounting the actual process of maturity and the important role it plays in shaping our identities. Self-awareness and self-actualization aren’t things that develop over the course of a few months or even a couple years. Our emotional evolution is a constant operation. It doesn’t just stop when we reach a particular milestone. It might slow down once we get older, but at this point in your life it is a 24/7 procedure.

Right now you wish to find an older, chivalrous man. Do you really think that your desire for someone older isn’t related to your past trials? Of course it is. Older men represent security and responsibility, something you didn’t and possibly don’t have. Give that a few years and you might very well have it, seeing as though you’re pursuing a medical career. Or maybe you won’t. Who knows? My point is that you need to get a stronger hold on who you are and what you want before you even consider bringing someone into the lives of you and your child.

At 21, we all think we’re different. Hell, there are men and women out there now who, at 35, still think that way. Few of us actually are. There’s a certain level of presumptuousness in believing that we are unique in some way. Your story, OP, is not original. This will read as an insult, but it’s not. The tone and voice of the woman who wrote this letter is a young one. You sound like a 21 year old. We were all precocious at 21 or 22. You are no better or worse than other people your age.

I want you to change because not changing, to me, would be the true tragedy. I can’t imagine staying forever stuck at 21-25. I would never want to be that stunted. That makes me shudder.

As for having a child while trying to date, I think being as young as you are will make a difference. However,  I do tend to believe that most men will want their own child and not wish to deal with an disgruntled exes. A 27 or 28 year old can effortlessly find someone your age without a child. While you still have some wiggle room with the never-married men in your age range, you might – when you’re ready – wish to focus on the divorced Dad crowd. If you seek someone Christian, than I would avoid online dating completely and join your church. My 23 (?!) niece just married her husband, whom she met through her church community. The only reason why I feel as though that pairing will work out long term is because they both come from the same kind of background (no divorce/parents still together), have matching life experiences (college educated/working full time in their respective fields) and share many similar values in regards to faith and family.

 

Good luck.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Childen, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Men & Younger Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Are You The Catch That You Think You Are?

April 30, 2013 by 46 Comments

Name: Sarahwonka
Comment: i’m 30, attractive, independent, confident, and have a successful job. I am the total package, but I can’t seem to attract the right guy for me. It seems that the guys I’m interested in aren’t interested in me and the ones I’m not interested in, like me. I’m actually trying to get over someone that I’m infatuated with, but I often find myself comparing every other guy I meet to him. The truth is I really want to be with him and no one else, but I’m several years older than him and I don’t know how he feels about me. Thusly, I’ve been trying to meet other guys in hopes  to get over the one I’m infatuated with. However, I just haven’t met someone worth my time. I want nothing to do with them and so far none of them have been my type. I am willing to give different guys a chance, but I typically leave the date at the end of the night relieved that it’s over and that I never want to see them again. I’ve tried speed dating, online dating, going out with friends, etc. But haven’t met anyone and it’s frustrating. I don’t know what to do or what I’m doing wrong. I feel like I’m being picky,  but I refuse to settle. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Age: 30
City: Boston
State: Ma

 

I don’t think you’re being picky. I think you’re fixated on someone that you can’t have and refuse to let him go. That’s what is holding you back. You’re not coming across as available.

You can put yourself out there in a multitude of ways, but if you’re not truly willing to give someone a chance, then you’re wasting everybody’s time. This guy you’re infatuated with? If he wanted to be with you, he would be. It’s that simple. Sitting around pining for something that will never come to fruition is counter-productive.

There’s nothing I can say that will get you un-stuck. You’re going to have to get there on your own. The last thing you want to do is continue to tell yourself how you’re trying and you’re being flexible, etc etc. You’re not. The solution to your non-problem is to finally confront and accept that you’re never going to have this younger guy. Ever. Time to start the grieving process of this relationship that never was.

You’re delaying the inevitable because you’d rather hold on to the idea of a relationship – no matter how fictitious – that actually have one.

i’m 30, attractive, independent, confident, and have a successful job. I am the total package

That so? By whose standards? Because other than the attractive part, men don’t care much about these components you believe make you “the total package.”

We briefly touched on this in yesterday’s post. I have a feeling that most people are in the dark as to just how appealing and attractive the opposite sex finds them. I also think people are clueless as to the impressions they make on people that they meet. Independent, confident and successful, you say? I tend to ascribe to the “if you have to say it, you aren’t” philosophy. You might think you’re independent, but I’d bet many people see you as aloof, and that your confidence is regularly construed as abrasiveness. If you’re doing all these things trying to meet someone, and you’re such a catch, and you’re not meeting anybody, there’s a problem.

I am willing to give different guys a chance,

Well, that’s might gracious of you. What would you say if I told you that I bet some of those men are thinking the exact thing about you? You’re quite taken with yourself, and it shows. You’re not doing these men favors by agreeing to let them spend money on you. You realize that, don’t you?

However, I just haven’t met someone worth my time.

Slow down, Princess Grace. Worth your time? Orly? Do go on and explain to the class why your time is more valuable than another person’s time. I’ll wait here with my imaginary boyfriend Jeremy Renner.

jeremy-renner-on-aussie-tv

There’s a great saying that I like and have uploaded as my Gmail avatar:

 

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our heads of how it’s supposed to be.

 

Nothing will impede someone’s ability to find a partner more than inordinate expectations, because usually those expectations are derived from a bunch of false ideas.  They’ve created this image in their head of what it is all supposed to look like, all based on distorted perceptions and understandings of themselves and relationships.

The OP sees herself with someone specific, someone she considers to be on her level. The problem, of course, is that she’s probably not on that level.Few of us ever correctly assign ourselves an accurate desirability rating. Objectivity is often lacking. We completely exclude the most important part of the equation: how other people see us. Until someone accepts and understands that, they will struggle.

Somebody asked the other day how a person could determine their audience. I happen to think that this is an understanding that we develop over time and is based upon experience. The people who provide the least resistance and who actively and consistently demonstrate their interest is typically your audience.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Understanding Men, Understanding Women, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Depression, Daddy Issues & Meds – When Do You Reveal Your Baggage?

April 15, 2013 by 23 Comments

Name: Sophia
Comment: I’d like your advice on looking for relationship when you have baggage – as in emotional/mental baggage.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens. These days, I have those issues under control though I may have days when I feel overwhelmed and get headaches. I’m on medication in low dosage, and see a therapist twice a month.

This does not mean I am some crazy psycho. I spend each day trying to understand myself more so I could combat my issues. I take care of myself by eating healthy and exercising. I even meditate sometimes to sort things out. I may have issues, but they do not control me. I may have bad days, but not on a regular basis.

It seems a lot of guys refuse to date any woman who is on psychiatric meds or in therapy. I was always aware that my problems will turn guys off, but it seems so few are willing to give such a woman a chance. I used to delay revealing my issues until after several dates, but now I feel I need to mention it early on. Before, I used to think it was too personal to tell a guy about my meds and all, but now I don’t want to waste my time with someone who’ll turn out to be judgmental.

Part of my problem is that I have daddy-issues. My father and I have always had a difficult relationship, and I can be kind of guarded, and then needy once I relax. This doesn’t mean that I hate men or I’m an emotional wreck. I think I simply require a certain type of guy. A lot of guys ask what kind of relationship I have with my dad, which makes since because it says a lot about you. I usually answer that we have our days when things are not easy. I don’t want to be that woman with daddy issues, even if I do, but I don’t know how to properly answer that question.

I would just like advice on how to navigate the dating scene when there are aspects of me that make guys run in the opposite direction. I would like to have a relationship with a stable, decent guy but I’m aware that kind of a guy would be hard for me to get.
Age: 31
City: New York
State: New York

 

It seems a lot of guys refuse to date any woman who is on psychiatric meds or in therapy.

I disagree with this. I think, especially in NYC, taking meds and going to therapy is actually very common. I can’t imagine anybody here in Manhattan being so thrown by this information. What I can envision is a person being a bit concerned that a near-stranger has decided to unload all their problems on them on their first couple of dates.

A lot of guys ask what kind of relationship I have with my dad,

This, too, feels off to me. Really? Guys quiz you on your relationship with your Dad? Is that how the conversation goes? Or do you maybe bring up your Dad, possibly give off the impression that it’s a contentious relationship and the guys pick up on your cues and ask questions to be polite?

If you have your depression under control, then what’s the big deal? I’m sorry to be dismissive but depression and anxiety aren’t all that rare or scandalous. To me, it sounds like you actually want to be treated with kids glove about all this. There’s really no reason for you to tell someone you’ve just begun dating that you have to take medication. If your issues with depression or anxiety actually compromised your relationships or made them difficult, then I could see opening about and revealing this information. But if you’re taking care of yourself and following a doctor’s advice, then I don’t see why you would feel compelled to share this.

I’m thinking that your challenge isn’t the fact that you suffer from anxiety and depression. I’m going to guess the problem is in the way you present this information. If you use it as an excuse to explain why you get needy them yeah, a guy is probably going to bail. Not because you’re on meds but because you’re needy. You’re trying to find a connection between your mental health and why men appear to abandon relationships with you, but I’m not sure there is one. It could be as simple as you get unnecessarily insecure and cloying. Is that related to your anxiety? Possibility. But not definitely. And that is certainly treatable. It’s quite possible you’re just really needy for  constant validation and confirmation of a man’s interest. You can be sure that will send most guys running.

What I hear in your letter is, “I’m really complex. How do I get men to understand all the intricacies involved with me?” The problem with that is that you’re really not all that unique. You seem to be defining yourself by these extremely common mental health issues. You speak like you’re not stable when you are. You’re applying the stigma to you. Not them.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Drama Queens, Dysfunction Junction, First Impressions, Meeting Men, Meeting Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Testing a Man Will Almost Always Backfire

April 14, 2013 by 25 Comments

Name: Pilot Girl
Comment: I met a guy a few months ago through a friend. He’s a little younger and works crazy hours in the investment banking industry. I wasn’t interested at first because of the age difference. I turned him down a few times before finally agreeing to go out with him and almost cancelled our first date. I’m glad I didn’t because it went really well and we had a really good connection.

He was very consistent about seeing me again and again. He didn’t let more than a day go by without texting or calling to set up the next date. Twice he called me very last-minute to see if I wanted to grab a bite or coffee after work (when his boss would unexpectedly let him go home early). I agreed to meet him both times on the fly and we had an amazing time talking and getting to know each other. But after the second time I let him know that I would prefer a few days notice for dates. From then on he started to schedule our dates in advance.

Here’s my issue. He called last Thursday and asked me out for dinner/movie in the next couple of days (our 6th date). I told him I was free on Friday (next day) and Sunday. He replied that either one of those days worked for him and that I could choose. I chose Friday and we made plans.

A few hours before our date he called to say something came up at work and he had to work late. He immediately suggested we reschedule to Sunday plus gave me Saturday as an option too. He caught me off guard so I initially agreed to Sunday as I was busy on Saturday.

Then I thought about it. Something didn’t feel right. That saying by Dr. Phil “you teach people how to treat you” popped into my brain. If I let him cancel on me at the last minute so early on in our courtship then will he think I’m a pushover? Lose respect for me? Do it again next time?

It was a very painful decision (because I really wanted to see him) but I texted him back and said I forgot about plans I had for Sunday (lie) and let’s try to connect next week. I wanted to send a message that canceling at the last minute was not OK and the consequence is that he won’t get to see me that weekend. He texted back right away with “Why are you bailing on me? But OK, whenever is good for you.”

He didn’t wait until next week to contact me. He texted on Sunday to say hello and then again on Wed evening to see if I was free for a bite (again last-minute because he finished work early). I was happy to hear from him but I was literally in the middle of having dinner with a friend. I told him I was busy and I’ll be happy to do it another time. He texted back “For sure!” but didn’t offer up an alternative. It’s now Friday and I haven’t heard from him since Wed. We don’t have any plans for this weekend and I feel like I blew it.

I feel horrible about telling him I was busy on Sunday when I wasn’t. I’m starting to think that this disingenuous move derailed our dating momentum. But as a woman who’s dated her share of jerks, players and flaky guys I find it hard to strike a balance between being flexible and being assertive. When do I let it go? And when do I put my foot down?

My dilemma is this: Did I do the right thing by making a stand when he cancelled on me at the last minute? Or did I need to be more flexible knowing that his job is very demanding and unpredictable? Who should make the next move? I feel like he’s pulling away (maybe due to my perceived lack of interest) and I’m really unsure about what (if anything) to do next.
Age: 42
City: Toronto
State: ON

 

Did I do the right thing by making a stand when he cancelled on me at the last minute?

No, you didn’t. You screwed up. This is a classic example of the way many men and women sabotage themselves by implementing tests. Everything appeared to be moving along nicely. Then you had to go and invoke some stupid rule and create a problem where there was none. Now he’s sitting back and waiting for you to initiate a date. So do it.

You’re sitting there waiting for a guy to screw up. When he doesn’t, you create a situation that you can point to and use as evidence that all men are this or that. You need to get over that. You can’t be looking for monsters around every corner.

I’m going to guess that your suspicion stems from the fact that this guy is younger than you. If the age difference was significant enough for you to be hesitant about dating him, I’m guessing he’s not just “a little” younger. He’s likely noticeably younger than you. If that is the case, then you should be suspicious of his motives. Two to three years? Eh, not a big deal. But if this guy is in his mid to late thirties, then you’re right to wonder what his intentions are. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date him. It just means that you should proceed with caution. This is one of those situations where critical thinking should come into play. Ask yourself this:

Why would someone his age want to date someone your age?

He could be totally sincere and interested in something substantive. You will only know that after you spend time with him. If you’re not able to set aside whatever questions you have about a man’s sincerity, then you should remove yourself from a situation. Give him a chance. A real one.

For the most part, the tests and traps that people use to determine someone’s character or interest prove nothing. All they provide is a false sense of confidence and security. They never consider that, as humans, we become adept and determining the right things to say and do in order to fulfill an agenda. It doesn’t matter if your goal is to get a free drink at a bar or get someone to commit or into bed. We say what we know people want to hear. We present ourselves in a specific light in order to get what we want. Sure, that guy will pay that bill or compliment you. Not because he’s so bowled over by your presence but because he knows not doing it will not get him what he wants. That’s what men and women do.

I have said this before: people who research their dates or who implement trite dating advice they’ve heard from charlatan dating coaches or their friends do so because they don’t trust themselves. They haven’t learned from their past mistakes. They don’t listen to whatever internal voice that that is telling them that something is wrong. I assume that the reason people do this is because they are hoping against hope that this Unicorn that has presented itself is real or because they need to prove something to themselves.

If you find yourself questioning somebody’s motives right off the bat, there’s a reason. That’s your brain poking at you and saying, ‘Hey…based on past experience and what we know to be typical, something about this isn’t right.”

I’ll say it again: Observe. Compare. Deduce.

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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Dating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Meeting Men, Men & Communication, Tests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Long Should You Wait For The Second Date?

March 17, 2013 by 65 Comments

Name: Scott
Age: 30
City: New York
State: NY
Comment: So I’ve decided to get back on the sauce and once again use a fairly popular, well-known internet dating website that’s free…Yes, I’ve been going out with a few women, with mixed success, and thankfully enjoying the experience for the most part without getting too exhausted and/or frustrated.

Last night, I was pleasantly surprised to have a first date which I initially thought wouldn’t go anywhere turn out to be excellent…instead of having the typical one round of drinks and calling it a night, we ended up having four rounds, and our conversation flowed smoothly as we opened up and got to know one another…as I got the sense that she was enjoying my company and somewhat into me, just as I was into her, I asked her if she would be interested in seeing me again.  I’m in my 30’s now; I’m not into the dating games and am fairly clear with my intentions, and she was in her mid-20’s and respected the fact that I’m a bit older and have my act together (for the most part).   She seemed receptive to getting together again, and I suggested getting together the upcoming weekend – we went out on a Wednesday night, so it seemed like an appropriate amount of time.

When she indicated the weekend was not looking good, I suggested the following week, and she seemed hesitant, and said she was pretty booked.  Now, I understand how someone can easily book 7 dates for each night of the week, and I’m not implying that she did that.  When she suggested that we meet a week and a half later, I mentioned something like, “I’m going to have to wait a week and a half to see you again?”  Keep in mind as well that she’s relatively new to the site, having signed up about a month ago, but she was the one who initially contacted me on the site.  After my comment, she checked her schedule again and she realized she was free on Tuesday, so we agreed on getting dinner that night.

However, I’m wondering what your thoughts are with respect to waiting too long for that second date…If she were to make me wait, let’s say a week and a half, when there was no discernible excuse like going out of town, studying for a test, etc. etc., then would that be too long to wait and a sign that she wasn’t really into me, as I had thought?  Do you think my comment about waiting a week and a half compelled her to “free” up a night, because she sensed I would lose interest?  What’s your take?

I generally feel like after a successful first date, barring any exigent circumstances, i.e. catering to out of town guests, out of town trips, heavy work loads, etc., you shouldn’t have to wait more than a week to see someone you’re interested in.   What say you?

 

My take is that she’s new to the site and probably, since she’s in her mid twenties, getting a lot of offers. I don’t think she’s any more interested in you than she would be any other guy she met on there.

Here’s the thing: when a woman is into a guy, she finds excuses to free her schedule. That’s it. She doesn’t tell a man she’s booked. That is, unless she’s trying to play hard to get and/or not terribly interested. She could have been trying to seem aloof and like she has options. I tend to think that women like this are more invested in the chase and the attention than anything else. Either way, her response doesn’t bode well for you.

I’m not sure if all of this back and forth happened the same night of your first date or what. If so, yikes. You came on pretty strong. If this whole conversation happened while you two were face to face after that first date, I’m thinking she felt kind of awkward and uncomfortable. If that’s the case, she might have agreed to see you Tuesday just to get away from you and planned on cancelling once she got home.

In the future, when a woman says she’s booked, just reply back and say, “No problem. Get back to me when you know your schedule.”  Don’t offer commentary like, “I have to wait a week and a half to see you again?” It just makes you seem overly invested and aggressive given you only had one date. Not only that but you really shouldn’t have to convince someone to want to see you again. That, too, is a bad sign. My guess is she wasn’t 100% psyched to go out with you again, was trying politely to get out of it, and you pushed a bit. That or her plans cancelled and she had nothing to do so she figured, “Why not?” I wouldn’t be surprised if you followed in the comments and told me that she cancelled on you. Like I said, if we like you, we make time for you. If she had been on the same page as you you wouldn’t have sensed hesitation. You would have sensed antici….pation. (Rocky Horror reference!)

I think a lapse of a week and a half after the first date ruins the momentum. There’s too much time between meetings for things to develop naturally. You want to be able to build on whatever attraction and compatibility is present in person, and rather soon. Suggesting to a date that you and they should get together again over the weekend following the first date sounds reasonable to me. I used to think that suggesting a second date within the next 2 or 3 days after the first date was too much, but that’s changed. Time is of the essence. If the connection and attraction is there, go for it. Within reason, of course. Don’t become all clingy and barrage them with texts, don’t suggest a date the next night,but do something to let your interest be known.

What was considered “too available” a few years ago doesn’t necessarily stand now because of how intense and fast the process of meeting and connecting has become.

Now, to touch on your distinction that she messaged you first and therefore that is an indicator of her interest level. You’re rationalizing. The online experience and the offline experience are two separate animals. Your profile is a one dimensional representation of who you are and nothing more. She probably sent a few messages to different men. I can assure you that her investment level was minimal, as it should be since she hadn’t even met you yet.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Rejection, Social Rules of Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Can Someone Be The One After One Date?

February 11, 2013 by 26 Comments

Name: Denny Laine
Age: 44
State: New York City
Question: I have a minor question regarding our favorite holiday: Valentine’s Day. I had a great first date last week with someone I met online. She could possibly be “the one” for me. We hit it off on the phone, hit it off in person, and since then we’ve been constantly texting and e-mailing. We made plans to see each other again on Wednesday. I had suggested hanging out Thursday not realizing it was Valentine’s Day. She said Wednesday would be better for her so we agreed. I realize that flowers and love letters and being Valentine’s might be too soon after just one date. But at the same time I want to somehow acknowledge it, that VD is the next day because there’s a good chance we can become a long term couple. I have some ideas. Or should I just let it pass and wait for next year? Any thoughts from anyone?

 

Ok. You need to slow down, Captain. First, let’s revisit your history a little, shall we?

This question was submitted by you:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2011/10/26/is-he-too-nice-thats-why-he-cant-get-a-2nd-date/

And this one:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2013/01/12/how-to-tell-if-theyre-a-dating-liability/

And this one:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2011/09/28/guest-post-cock-blocked/

And here is a recent comment from you from last month.

Denny, you have only had one date with this woman. It seems like you get ridiculously invested with every woman with whom you have a decent first date. If you asked this woman to get together on Thursday aka Valentine’s Day and she said Wednesday works better, she’s telling you she feels it would be weird for you two to have your second date on Valentine’s Day. Which, sorry to say, is not  a good sign. She’s turning down the opportunity to tell people she has a date on Valentine’s Day. Many women live for that shit. So you have to ask yourself why she doesn’t want to get together on Thursday.She either is not on the same page as you or has another date. Neither of which bode well for you. These are the things you need to learn to deduce so that you can gauge where you stand and appropriate expectations.

It’s hard to navigate a situation like this. You don’t want to come off too detached or disinterested, but you also don’t want to give the impression that you might skin a woman and wear her as a suit. Right now, you’re tip toeing in skin her and wear her as a suit territory. You’re already considering V-Day 2014. Sorry, but that’s a little scary.

If she wanted you to acknowledge the upcoming holiday, she’d have accepted the V-Day date. I’m sorry to say this so bluntly (no I’m not) but I’m guessing she’s not as into you as you think. If you push the V-Day idea, this woman will back off. I’m going to speculate that you’re coming on too strong and it’s making her uncomfortable. I’m also going to throw out there that you do this a lot, which is why you have such trouble keeping a woman around. I have told you before that I feel you come off weak and needy. Those are two things that will automatically get you friend zoned and blown off. You need to learn how not to get so attached and invested so quickly. It’s not healthy.

You’ve been out with this person ONCE. You have NO IDEA if there is any substantive long term potential. I think you’re so used to being blown off early that you haven’t had enough experience with the early dating process. What you need to do is detach a bit. Go back online and find someone else and start engaging them. Do anything you can to distract you from thinking about this woman if only to temper what has to be perceived by women as too interested. Do not acknowledge Valentine’s Day in any way other than maybe in passing via a text conversation that day. But don’t start that conversation off with “Happy V-Day!” You’ll send her a text the morning after your date and say, “Hey, had fun last night. How about we meet up on Xday for whatever.” She will either reply and say yes or no. If she says yes, then make plans. Then and only them, as you’re signing off, wish her a Happy Valentine’s Day.  You can’t make a big deal of this. You just can’t. If she acts all schmoopy woopy with you on that second date, then maybe you can send her a cute e-card the next day. But that’s it. You should not be spending any money on this or making it into a production.

Denny, the pattern here with you is clear. You get too invested and likely give off a really off putting vibe. You have to become more self-aware and pay more attention to what I can only assume a glaring red flags of moderate interest from these women. You’re pinning all your hopes on every single woman who shows interest. I realize how great it feels to feel like someone is out there thinking about you or that you some how matter to someone. That can be intoxicating, especially if you go a long time without it. But you have to understand that things that are said and done in those early stages are either disingenuous or done without any real thought. People can get caught up, or they like the attention or they’re just otherwise insensitive and thoughtless.

It all means nothing until it means something. Please try to remember that.

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating 2.0, Dating Advice, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Realities, Dating Skills Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

At Some Point We’re All Undateable To Someone

February 8, 2013 by 22 Comments

Name: lovelost
Age: 29
State:
Question: I’ve had genital herpes (HSV-2) for two years. I’ve tried online hsv dating with no luck but I have dated 3 guys that I knew from the real world. All three of these guys openly pursued me, not the other way around. I told all three as soon as it was clear that we were thinking of getting intimate and all three were willing to give the relationship a try anyways, but I chickened out.

The problem is that I’m terrified of giving it to someone and then later feeling like they aren’t the one and wanting to break up with them. I just wasn’t sure enough that I really liked them, so it didn’t go anywhere.

When I do meet someone I really like I feel like it would be unfair to flirt with them or ask them out. It feels more misleading and dishonest then if the guy was trying to pursue me.

Is this a reasonable fear or should I try and get over it and get my flirt on?
How do you go about dating in the general fish pool?

 

I admire your desire to be responsible. I do. But if these men say that they don’t care about your HSV status, then let them take on the responsibility. It’s not up to you. As long as your upfront about your status and take all prescribed meds and practice safe sex, you’ve done your part.

You also need to stop walking around like you have a Scarlet H sewn to your blouse. You have genital herpes, not the Bubonic Plague. You are not in some teeny tiny minority. Will it make things a tad bit more difficult for you? Yes. But guess what? Pretty much everybody has their own Scarlet H. This person is unemployed, this person is a little overweight, this person writes a dating column. Most of us have something that makes it impossible for us to date whomever we want. You are not alone in that.

Will their people who reject you? Yeah. But you know what? You’ll end up screening out a lot of the people just looking for sex. A friend and I were having this conversation last night about what our lines where in regards to STDs. If I met someone that I truly cared about and liked, and he told me he had genital warts, I would at the very least listen to him and do my research. If he’s knowledgeable and can answer my questions, then I’d date him. Would I casually hook up with someone with genital herpes? No. Just being honest. I’ve managed to go my whole life without an STD, and I’m not going to take on that risk just for sex. That’s reckless.

You’re going to hear a lot of fear-mongering from people who will try to label you as “bad.” But again, guess what? Divorced people get labeled as “bad.” People with bad credit get labeled as “bad.” There are always going to be people out there who live in their little bubbles and follow all the rules and cast aspersions on everybody else. Meanwhile, they’re either alone or in miserable relationships. “I would never lie about my age in my dating profile. That’s just wrong!” Translation: I have little success at dating, but at least I’m doing it the right away unlike all those other people.” Congrats. Have fun on that Island of Self-Righteousness.

You need to stop feeling so guilty. That’s the first thing you need to do. That and get rid of this shame you carry around with you.Okay. You got a bum rap and contracted an STD. You didn’t beat a family to death with a sack of puppies. You are not obligated to reveal your status to people just so they don’t waste their time. Like I said the other day, if someone considers a handful of dates to be a waste of their time or gets super invested after a couple of conversations and dates, they have bigger issues to contend with.

 **Edited to change “with an STD” to “without.” I do not have an STD.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating & STDs, Dating is Fun, Dating Myths, Dating Realities, Dating Skills Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Moxie 101: After 35, You Just Don’t Get To Be So Picky

February 6, 2013 by 63 Comments

Name: JaneF
Age: 45
State: FL
Question: I find it impossible to meet anyone of quality. I’ve tried online, offline, inline, outtaline, you name it.
I’m slender, pretty, and fun, over 40 but playful and ‘young’ for my age and not attracted to anyone 50+ or 250lbs+  (I’ve tried!). I’m friendly, smiley, attractive, smart and get attention from men…it’s me who doesn’t like them, not the opposite.I’m friendly, smiley, attractive, smart and get attention from men…it’s me who doesn’t like them, not the opposite.
Yeah, I have “baggage” (who doesn’t?) – I’m divorced, gainfully employed, and share custody of the two most amazing, happy, delightful kids imaginable -we’re very close, but they are 1 year away from leaving home and I am looking for a true love to share my life with. I’ve been divorced for ages, and looking for 4 years since losing my long-term BF (no, there’s no chance of reconciliation- he’s engaged- to someone with no kids).

I see so many red flags when dating someone new and have come to the conclusion I’m just a bad “fit” for men here (FL) who are used to flashy, shallow golddiggers who throw themselves at man, and just expect the same from me. (again, the “fit” issue) I expect courtship and old-fashioned romance, but that’s gone the way of the dinosaur. I see some of my friends’ husbands are good guys, but I’ve not met any single guys of strong character (and I’m not interested in stealing someone else’s man, I have a strict moral code).

I’ve tried meetup. Grocery stores. Bookstores. Asking friends to fix me up. Social media. You name it. That saying “all the good ones are taken” is absolutely true. (Or gay). Ok, so tell me I’m wrong, or that there is something I can do differently and get a different result. I’m open to and appreciate gentle suggestions – just don’t beat me up – I’m fragile and sensitive ;) I’d even relocate if I met the perfect guy, which is something I’d never consider til now (now that the kids are grown).

I’m convinced there’s a better place where men are honest, faithful, spiritual, respectful, smart and sexually attractive – it’s called Oz. Just kidding. Am I on crack, or does a place like this exist – do I just have to drastically lower my standards and date men I don’t even respect or give it up and retire an old maid?

 

I’m slender, pretty, and fun, over 40 but playful and ‘young’ for my age and not attracted to anyone 50+ or 250lbs+  (I’ve tried!).

Try harder. You’re 45. Your target age range, if you’re looking for a long term relationship, is roughly 47-57. Yes, you’re going to have to make some concessions if you seek a committed relationship. I’m sorry to seem curt, but I simply can’t keep answering letters like this. I can’t. I can’t keep saying that you need to choose wisely when you get married or when you commit to someone. I can’t keep saying that fewer men are committing and therefore you need to refocus your energies and re-evaluate these so-called standards you have.

It’s not that all the good ones are taken. It’s that all the good ones you want are either taken or don’t want you. There. Fixed that for you. There are plenty of great guys out there who seek a relationship with a 45 year old divorcee with kids. Unfortunately for you, they all fall under your undesirable category. Yes, you’re going to lower your drastically out of whack standards. Sorry, but that’s your only recourse here. That and get a more accurate perception of what your value is in your particular market. 45. Divorced. With kids. If you seek a serious relationship, you’re probably going to have more luck focusing on the Divorced Dad market. Guys your age or a couple years old who don’t have children don’t have them for a reason: they don’t want them. They also don’t want to take on the added responsibility of being financially responsible for another man’s children. Yes. I know. That wouldn’t be the case. Unfortunately, many men won’t believe you. And let’s be honest…that wouldn’t be entirely true. At some point, if you and a man get serious, he will be shelling out money for your kids in some way.

I am looking for a true love to share my life with

But…you already had a true love. That guy you married, remember? Weren’t you going to have true love with him and share your life with him? What happened there and what makes you think that a) you deserve another shot at it and b) you’ll be any better at it the next time around? Look, you might be everything you say you are. A catch and a half. That’s not the issue. The issue is this entitlement you appear to feel about how every lid has a pot, etc. You might have to settle for great companionship. It’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth.

As for whether or not you should give up, that’s a personal choice. I do think you’ll need to make changes. Maybe that includes moving or maybe that involves lowering your standards. I don’t know. If you’re using all these mediums and outlets to try and meet someone and nothing is working, obviously changes need to be made.

Whatever you do, you need to confront this fear you have of ending up alone. Because..you might. Dating just so you can alleviate this fear of dying alone in your home and having cats eat your face off rarely ends well.

 

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Filed Under: Dating 2.0, Dating Advice, Dating After Divorce, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Humblebrag Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Can You Find The Real Deal On An Online Dating Site?

January 10, 2013 by 18 Comments

Name: Clare
Age: 40
State: Belfast
Question: I recently met a man I really like on line, I have lots of other guys texting me but I get a real buzz when this guy does, he is funny and articulate and when he phones to speak to me we are on the phone for hours, but I have been separated now for 4 years. When I initially split with my husband I had met a guy online that I liked but was very needy and vulnerable and I frightened him off, I really don’t want to do that again.

He lives in another country, but as he is quite wealthy he has said he is going to come back here for a few months to spend some quality time with me, to see if there is anything behind what we have, when he went home he text  me within to days with his new mobile number to let me know he was back.

We didn’t sleep together as I’d met him on line and wasn’t comfortable about it and he respected that, but the more we got to know each other the better we get on. As I have been out of the dating game for so long, I’m not sure about anything any more, who texts first etc I really don’t want to appear as vulnerable, as I am a much stronger person now, but should we create mystery about ourselves, if so for how long? And is it possible to find the real deal on a dating site ?

 

Yes, I think it’s possible to find the real deal on a dating site. It just depends on what your definition of “the real deal” is. As I said last night in the comments, I’ve had a great deal of luck with online dating. But that’s mainly due to the fact that I’m not looking for long term commitment. I do a pretty good job of weeding out the time wasters. There’s the occasional gaffe, but they are very few and very far between. I have not had many of the stereotypical “bad online dates” we hear so much about on the internet. That’s only because I don’t go out with every guy who shows interest and know exactly what I want. I think people, especially people over 35, who join online dating sites looking for long-term commitment are going to be sorely disappointed. Long Term commitment no longer means moving in together or marriage. It means dating more than 6 months or so. Appropriate your expectations, learn how to filter and read people and embrace/understand your audience and you’ll have great success with online dating.

Unfortunately, I don’t this guy is the real deal. The wealthy man from another country schtick reeks of scammer or Man of Mystery type who flies around the world bedding women out of boredom. Since you admit that you are vulnerable, that cements my impression of this man even more. That is what these types specifically seek out. There are likely some clues to this vulnerability in your profile,too. If you have any mentions of being separated or unsure/hesitant in any way, that’s why draws men like this to you. As a commenter recently said, just because you and this guy got on well doesn’t mean he was actually interested in you. He was being polite. If he truly is wealthy and has the expendable cash flow to fly and meet you, I’m guessing he has just as many options a stone’s throw away from his WiFi spot. Therefore, why isn’t he dating one of those women if that’s what he actually wants? If he doesn’t have any options closer, then why?

Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that, because a guy stuck after he didn’t get sex, that means he’s “truly” interested. What else was he going to do? He was stuck somewhere unfamiliar and probably didn’t have anywhere else to go or anyone else to talk to. Trust me, he was hoping for and even expected sex. People don’t fly hundreds of miles for good conversation. I wouldn’t hold your breath hoping to see this guy again. He very well might text and chat with you, but you have dropped down the priority list.

As far as whether or not mystery is important, I say yes. That’s why you shouldn’t spend too much time communicating, flirting or otherwise “bonding” with someone you’ve only met online. It builds a false sense of security. It also makes you more vulnerable to those who might not be on the same page.  You’ll get too comfortable and share things you probably shouldn’t share, which leaves you open to being tricked or bamboozled.

Going forward, I would avoid the rich jet setter types who live far away. My instinct says that 50% of those men are looking for the low hanging fruit, and the other 50% can’t find a woman close to them due to a critical personality flaw.

 

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