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At Some Point We’re All Undateable To Someone

February 8, 2013 by 22 Comments

Name: lovelost
Age: 29
State:
Question: I’ve had genital herpes (HSV-2) for two years. I’ve tried online hsv dating with no luck but I have dated 3 guys that I knew from the real world. All three of these guys openly pursued me, not the other way around. I told all three as soon as it was clear that we were thinking of getting intimate and all three were willing to give the relationship a try anyways, but I chickened out.

The problem is that I’m terrified of giving it to someone and then later feeling like they aren’t the one and wanting to break up with them. I just wasn’t sure enough that I really liked them, so it didn’t go anywhere.

When I do meet someone I really like I feel like it would be unfair to flirt with them or ask them out. It feels more misleading and dishonest then if the guy was trying to pursue me.

Is this a reasonable fear or should I try and get over it and get my flirt on?
How do you go about dating in the general fish pool?

 

I admire your desire to be responsible. I do. But if these men say that they don’t care about your HSV status, then let them take on the responsibility. It’s not up to you. As long as your upfront about your status and take all prescribed meds and practice safe sex, you’ve done your part.

You also need to stop walking around like you have a Scarlet H sewn to your blouse. You have genital herpes, not the Bubonic Plague. You are not in some teeny tiny minority. Will it make things a tad bit more difficult for you? Yes. But guess what? Pretty much everybody has their own Scarlet H. This person is unemployed, this person is a little overweight, this person writes a dating column. Most of us have something that makes it impossible for us to date whomever we want. You are not alone in that.

Will their people who reject you? Yeah. But you know what? You’ll end up screening out a lot of the people just looking for sex. A friend and I were having this conversation last night about what our lines where in regards to STDs. If I met someone that I truly cared about and liked, and he told me he had genital warts, I would at the very least listen to him and do my research. If he’s knowledgeable and can answer my questions, then I’d date him. Would I casually hook up with someone with genital herpes? No. Just being honest. I’ve managed to go my whole life without an STD, and I’m not going to take on that risk just for sex. That’s reckless.

You’re going to hear a lot of fear-mongering from people who will try to label you as “bad.” But again, guess what? Divorced people get labeled as “bad.” People with bad credit get labeled as “bad.” There are always going to be people out there who live in their little bubbles and follow all the rules and cast aspersions on everybody else. Meanwhile, they’re either alone or in miserable relationships. “I would never lie about my age in my dating profile. That’s just wrong!” Translation: I have little success at dating, but at least I’m doing it the right away unlike all those other people.” Congrats. Have fun on that Island of Self-Righteousness.

You need to stop feeling so guilty. That’s the first thing you need to do. That and get rid of this shame you carry around with you.Okay. You got a bum rap and contracted an STD. You didn’t beat a family to death with a sack of puppies. You are not obligated to reveal your status to people just so they don’t waste their time. Like I said the other day, if someone considers a handful of dates to be a waste of their time or gets super invested after a couple of conversations and dates, they have bigger issues to contend with.

 **Edited to change “with an STD” to “without.” I do not have an STD.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating & STDs, Dating is Fun, Dating Myths, Dating Realities, Dating Skills Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Single, Separated, Divorced: How Honest Should You Be?

January 29, 2013 by 30 Comments

This Frisky article might spark some interesting discussion. Once again, I left a comment and it’s being moderated. I’m starting to think it’s personal. :) From the article:

Finding out that “single” signifier on his online dating profile actually should have read “divorced” has happened to me a grand total of FIVE times. I shit you not! Yes, all the guys listed themselves as “single” online, but mentioned their divorces at some point on the first date during the whole “this is my whole resume and life recap” bit. One guy referred to an ex as his “ex-girlfriend” first before letting it slip that they had been married. 

Personally, I don’t care how they present it initially. As long as they are available and not breaking laws or vows/commitments, I don’t care. I totally get why some people (because women do this too) are hesitant to reveal that they are divorced. This Frisky article, to me, has an underlying tone of judgment. Divorced = baggage/bad. Men and Women both know that people will make assumptions about them if they reveal that they are divorced.

“Oh God. Crazy Ex-Wife/Husband alert!”

“He doesn’t have any money because he got screwed in a divorce!”

“Oh, she lives off alimony. Gold digger!”

That’s why some people aren’t upfront about it. As I’ve said before, people who expect total honesty and full disclosure this soon reveal their own inexperience and issues.

I agree that Single, Separated but Single and Divorced are three totally different things. Divorced and Single, to me, are the same thing. I’d want to know sooner than later, but I wouldn’t automatically assume he was being shady if he told me later.  I’d wonder why he felt uncomfortable revealing this info. That would be my first question to him.

I do agree that someone should be upfront in their profile about just being separated. I’d prefer to know that before I decided to meet them. I still might meet them, though. These situations are rarely cut and dry. Someone could be legally separated but no immediate plans to get divorced for financial reasons. Is that an ideal situation? No. But if the guy comes clean and explains it in a way that doesn’t set off any buzzers, I’d be willing to give it a go.

And an honorable mention goes to O’Ex-Boyfriend who dated me exclusively for two whole months before he let it drop that he wasn’t actually legally divorced yet, only separated. Oh, did you just happen to forget to mention it?!?

If a man you’re dating “exclusively” reveals that he actually lied or intentionally mislead you about his marriage/separation status, guess what that means? It means he was never committed to you and that “exclusivity’ was just a weak promise to sleep with only you “for now” or because you pressured him into committing. It’s not the lie itself that bothers us. It’s the implications/motivations behind the lies and revelations that freak us out.

I once went out with a guy from OK Cupid. On his profile he states that he is single. He didn’t fill out the offspring option and left it blank. He also didn’t reveal in what field he worked.  He encouraged women to read his questions. He answered the question about whether or not he wanted to have kids by checking off No. He qualified that by saying that more kids were not in the cards for him.

But here’s the funny part. He was divorced (which he offered in an email conversation) and has 2 kids and works in a field that didn’t appear relevant or connected to things he admitted in his profile. Yet, despite being secretive and almost intentionally misleading about these points, he discloses in his profile that he wants to meet women who don’t mind that he’s already dating other women. Interesting thing to choose to reveal, no? He’ll be honest about that, yet not forthcoming about things as simple as what he does for a living.  I showed my friend his profile before I met him. He laughed out loud at the line about already dating other women.

“That’s like if I sat here talking to you and, out of nowhere, just poked you in the eye. It’s rude and unnecessary.”

“Maybe he just doesn’t want to date women looking for anything serious or exclusive? That’s why I responded to him.”

This particular friend is my Yoda, Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society and Hannibal Lechter all rolled into one. I half-expected him to look over his glasses at me and say, “Noooo…that’s incidental.”

“No. It’s just rude. It’s meant to be shocking.. Ask yourself why someone would do that.”

I went into that particular date far more alert after that conversation.

Back to the article. The piece also suggested that people should reveal their STD status in their profile.

Ami and I disagree on this one. She doesn’t think that going on a date with someone means there’s a presumption that sex will take place and that people should disclose once it’s clear sex is going to occur. Meanwhile, I say that you should at the very least obliquely indicate your STD status in some way prior to meeting a person for two reasons. One, so other people wirh similar STDs who may want to date someone who knows what they’re dealing with can find you, and two, so someone for whom an STD is a dealbreaker knows whether to to invest the time.

This just in: most first dates go absolutely nowhere. Why should someone make themselves that vulnerable that soon? It’s like the author of this piece doesn’t even take into account how being public about something like that could compromise other aspects of his life.I also find it really…inconsistent…that someone like this particular author who is constantly talking about sex-positivity would write something that makes it clear that she considers an STD a deal breaker.

It’s not up to a virtual stranger to help you manage your expectations and personal biases. Dating involves investing time and money and accepting that there may be very little return on each investment. If you consider investing time in ONE DATE to be a challenge, then it’s really no secret why you struggle to find someone to date regularly.

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Awkward, Dating & STDs, Dating After Divorce, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Dating 2.0 Scares Men

August 4, 2012 by 91 Comments

Name: John
Age: 45
State:NY
Question: My divorce was finalized 12 months ago and now I am online dating for a couple of months. I am not looking for a casual hookup but something with LTR potential. Here is a scenario that happened with a woman I met.

She is 45, divorced and has 2 preteen kids.  She lives about 30 minutes from me. She drives and has her own car. She doesn’t work since she is home all day and doing errands, taking kids places, etc. I didn’t directly ask her how she supports herself, house and 2 kids but she is clearly not working and I get the impression she hasn’t in some time. She never mentioned anything about being laid off and  she didnt mention anything about money being tight. So maybe she has income from other sources but it is something I am curious about. But after 1 date, I didnt think it was appropriate to ask her about this.

Our first date we met for a drink and it ended with a good makeout session. It was a 4 hour date. On date #2 I went to her place to pick her up and we went to lunch. I had to be at work by 4pm hence, the lunch date.Her kids were at day camp. After lunch we went back to her place and she was all over me and wanted sex. I didnt have a condom so I didnt, but the fact I had to get back to work provided the perfect way out. It just seemed too soon to jump into bed anyways.

She said we would do it the next next night which was a Friday night (and presumably I would be condom ready). But then she said that she wanted me to drive to her and pick her up, drive back to my place, have dinner and sex and then drive her back to her place and then for me to come home. WHen I asked if it would be possible for her to just drive to me, she said the guy should always pick up the girl. I lost all interest in seeing her. I dont even know her that well to the point that I dont even know what she does for a living so having sex seems like it is too soon for me.

It seems to me like she is looking for something casual. Since I am not, the ridiculous driving I had to do and not even knowing something as basic as to how she makes a living, made it seem too casual for what I am looking for.

I could have kept my mouth shut, do the roundtrip commute twice and had sex, but I felt like I was going through hoops. My best friend said I was nuts to pass up surefire sex on account of not wanting to jump through those hoops. So I am asking you to break this down for me. Maybe I am just not ready to be intimate with someone? Or is this a case of me just being picky?

 

I didn’t directly ask her how she supports herself, house and 2 kids

So maybe she has income from other sources but it is something I am curious about.

You know how she supports herself. Alimony. And? How is this in any way atypical for a divorced woman in your age range with children? What if she inherited money? Maybe she’s in the Mob. As long as she doesn’t try to leech off of you, I don’t see why this matters.  You’re analyzing the innocuous things that ultimately don’t matter unless you plan on marrying her and merging your finances.In short, you’re looking for a way out.

After lunch we went back to her place and she was all over me and wanted sex. I didnt have a condom so I didnt, but the fact I had to get back to work provided the perfect way out. It just seemed too soon to jump into bed anyways.

Okay. But if that’s what you truly feel, then why did you go back to her house? We say this to women all the time. “Don’t go home with a guy unless you plan on having sex with him.” Same rules apply, my brother. I don’t think you chose not to have sex because it seemed “too soon” or because you didn’t have a condom. Please.  When has not having a condom stopped anybody? Especially someone our age? Yes, I know…safety shamer!!! Whatever.  People do it all the time. They just typically lie about it so they can cling to the moral high ground. Congrats. You’re so special. You’re getting right into heaven, disease free. Boo yah!

You didn’t have sex with her because you were intimidated in some way and feared you couldn’t deliver. This wasn’t about catching The AIDS or fearing that you’ll be overpowered and chopped up and put into a box under her bed. Her assertiveness as well as her casual attitude towards the sex is what threw you. Citing  a lack of a condom and the “too soon” excuse just makes you sound discerning and reasonable. Again, you’re looking for a way out.

But then she said that she wanted me to drive to her and pick her up, drive back to my place, have dinner and sex and then drive her back to her place and then for me to come home.WHen I asked if it would be possible for her to just drive to me, she said the guy should always pick up the girl. I lost all interest in seeing her.

 

Right. She, like you, is justifying the sex. She needs you to “treat her like a lady”  so she can screw with wild abandon. I honestly want to bop the two of you upside the head. You could debate her on this and say it’s silly and needless. It won’t get you anywhere. She’s in her forties and divorced. She’s still living in a time when men called women. She likely hasn’t dated in close to 15 years. Our mystical ways confuse her.

You didn’t lose interest because of her request. It’s a 30 minute drive. Come on. You lost interest because you psyched yourself out.

This just in…many women make unreasonable and illogical requests. Welcome to Dating. Thinking you’ll find that one “sane” woman who doesn’t make such requests  is setting yourself up for failure. Either accept that you’ll have to do a little bit of harmless hoop jumping or buy those cats now. Women nowadays are far more assertive than they were when you were first dating. You, like Caveman Lady up there, have been defrosted after hundreds of years of being frozen in a chunk of ice. Remember Austin Powers? Yeah. Like that. The two of you are trying to get your bearings. She wants to be all sexually empowered, but she’s still clinging to antiquated rules so she can justify having sex. (Which must have made her a joy to be married to, btw.) You’re still thinking that femininity means being coy and reserved. Uh uh. Not any more. It’s odd, though, that you’re thrown by her sexual assertiveness, but you’re turned off by her old fashioned request that you pick her up.

So I am asking you to break this down for me. Maybe I am just not ready to be intimate with someone? Or is this a case of me just being picky?

No, you’re not being picky. That’s one of those famous excuses that women use to explain why no guy sticks around. Yes…they dumped him. Not the other way around, okay???? I could get on bored with your thought that you’re not ready to be intimate, though. You’re still figuring out how Dating 2.0 works. I think you need to get a better handle on that, and a better understanding of what constitutes “typical” or “acceptable” behavior before you embark on anything serious or physically intimate.

Bottom line? You’re just ready to get back out there yet. Baby steps.

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Filed Under: Book, casual sex, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & STDs, Dating Over 40, Divorce, Popular Post 3, Popular Post 5, Popular Posts - 2, Popular Posts 3, Sex, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Man With a Savior Complex

May 9, 2012 by 24 Comments

Name: AJ
Age: 59
State: Illinois
Question: I’d like to call this “The guy who wanted a Roommate With Benefits”. I have never ran into a guy like this until now and I thought it might be interesting sharing with your readers.

First I have to preface this with I’m a 59 year old female. Unemployed Art Director, freelancing. Been married twice, 10 and 16 years respectively. Had 3 very bad relationship experiences in the last 10 years of being single again. One resulted in catching HSV.  So I was not looking.

Okay, I met a guy last year, early fall. I was out with friends at a meet-up gathering.  He introduced himself as Joe. But his name tag had a different name and I remembered his pix from the sign-up list and he looked nothing like that. Anyway he hung out with our group the whole evening. A few days later I get an email from him through the group’s email site, stating I ditched him when he went to the bathroom at the end of the evening. And gave me this phone number in case I felt like getting together sometime. Yup I did ditch him. Nice guy and all, but, had just broken up with his girlfriend of 12 years, never been married and was 9 years younger. Plus thought it best not to date a man from Meet-up considering my situation.

Well, he pursued me for about 4 months. Sometimes I’d say yes, sometimes I’d say no to going out. Most of the time I was shooing him away. Finally one night I had to drop the bomb on him. He took the news quite well and asked if we could see each other again. I said sure. He texted me the next day and we made a date for that Sunday. Then he canceled. I was pissed and hurt. Waited about a week and I texted that dating was out of the question. He asked if we could be just friends and hang-out. Sure, not really taking it seriously.

I finally gave in to dating him after another 2 months of him pursuing me in the name of friendship. We never had intercourse (we slept together and had sex) for the three months we were together, he never introduced me as his girlfriend to any of the few friends I met. One even brought up his ex in front of me one night. Asking me how she was. So I asked Joe if anyone including his family knew about me. His answer was no. I had asked him prior if it was okay for me to introduce him as my boyfriend and if we were in a relationship. He said yes.

Other red flags…constantly offered to help pay for my mortgage, offering to buy me a house close to him, asking me to live with him several times, offering to start a business with me. Really guy? All this during the three months we dated? What’s the hurry?

He was constantly checking out and smiling at any attractive women he saw when we were out, then denied it. The last straws were him telling me this. He and a girlfriend he had been living with for 10 years were not getting along. He had been sleeping on the sofa for about a year before he moved out and into what had been his girlfriend for the last 12 years. Excuse me? That’s considered cheating in a sense. I mean when did he start dating girl number two? Plus, two days later he calls me and asks if I want to go on a go-see for a building he was interested in buying. Then brings up the living together thing after two days earlier we both admitted we didn’t love each other. Are you for real? The next day my friend called and said he saw him on a hook-up sex site. I checked. There he was…The End.

I picked up what was the few things I had at his house and returned his key. He had left nothing at mine. He was there only a couple of times. Which was another red flag. Too inconvenient for him. Few other ridiculous things…I love watching those wedding reality shows. So he offers to go with me to try on wedding dresses? He was still paying for half the mortgage for his last girlfriend? Offering to move back to New York with me to help my mom out? Was he really going to give up his fantastic job for the city of Chicago? Really guy.

Why does any of this even matter?? I mean, other than you clearly are enjoying all the drama and ups and downs?

It’s as if, in your mind, it’s perfectly okay for you to be all over the place about this but he’s not. Hon, you’re both kind of a mess. And not because you have HSV, because that isn’t an issue. You’re choosing to walk around like you have a Scarlet A stitched into your forehead. Cut the woe is me stuff out. There are people out there dying of cancer. HSV? Not a big deal. You’re a mess because you have “victim” painted all over you. That’s why this guy chose you to hone in on and woo.

I had asked him prior if it was okay for me to introduce him as my boyfriend and if we were in a relationship. He said yes.

Okay. For the record? This does not mean he’s actually your boyfriend. This is not an official agreement to be exclusive. You asked if you could introduce him as your boyfriend. He said sure. He did not pledge to be exclusive. He merely allowed you to do what so many women do and put a label on the relationship to ease their minds. Men know that women just want to use the word “boyfriend” when out with their female friends.It means nothing to them.

He likes being the Savior. That’s his schtick. He finds women whom he feels need his support and attention and money and he showers them with it. It makes him feel good about himself. The bummer about these guys is that they don’t actually want the woman to get better. They want her to stay vulnerable and weak and dependent upon him. That’s the hook. He means none of what he says. He will never follow through on any of this. He wants you to get invested and attached and need him that much more. It’s a sick and twisted co-dependent relationship. Healthy, mature relationships are about encouraging each other to be the very best they can be.

You keep expressing your mistrust as though you actually believe it. You don’t. If you did, you’d have never gotten involved with this guy. You’re saying, “Really?” as though you have his number. You do. You just wish you didn’t because you want for all of this to be real.You can’t make this decision on your own. You’re looking to us to tell you either he’s for real or he’s a phony because you can’t decide one way or another on your own.

Let him find some other wounded bird. Focus on making yourself stronger so you don’t fall prey to these types again. Learn how not to trust the wrong people and make better choices. But most importantly, learn to have more conviction and faith in your decisions and trust your instincts more. The reason why you trust the wrong people is because you don’t trust yourself enough to make the right decisions.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & STDs, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Sex, Shackin' Up, To Settle or Not To Settle Tagged With: , , , , ,

The Dealbreakers That Keep You Single

February 16, 2012 by 26 Comments

Name: Rebecca
State: CT
Age: 43
Comment: Hi.  I am back in the dating pool for the first time after finding out I have HSV-2.  Putting myself out there on dating sites feels like false advertising.  I’m going to meet up with a really interesting guy for the first time next week who has no idea I have herpes.  Obviously this isn’t something you put in your dating profile.  I would welcome thoughts about this.

 

I feel like I’ve answered this question numerous times, so I’m going to direct you here to read what I’ve said on the topic of when to tell someone and how.

As for the whole “false advertising” issue, EVERYBODY who has an online dating profile partakes in the act of false advertising. I can assure you that the large majority of online daters have something that they don’t tell you about in their dating profile. Like:

  • They’re unemployed
  • They have bad credit
  • They cheated on their ex
  • They’re an alcoholic
  • They’re horrible in bed
  • They haven’t had a relationship in several years, if at all

Yes, I know. None of these are as bad as the dreaded STD. None of these are things that people might use as a reason to break up with someone or blow them off. Right.

Nobody is morally obligated to reveal the fact that they cheated on their husband or wife. Funny, right? If this issue is morality, then you’d think infidelity trumps sexuality. That’s an adorable mixed message. Alcoholics get to be anonymous. But not someone with herpes.

Here’s what I think. I think people don’t want to know the truth. They want to be told a sanitized version of the truth.

Here’s the really funny thing. How many people would dump their partner if they learned he had cheated on their ex? I bet there’s a ton of people out there who would rationalize that one.

People could manufacture a back story for their past and most of you wouldn’t be the wiser. It’s not the idea that someone might “taint” you or infect you that bothers most people. It’s the idea that their partner with an STD is admitting to a “flaw.” That deprives the person they tell from believing that they got somebody untouched or “better” than other people’s partners.

Everybody, especially someone who has struggled to find a relationship, wants to believe that that person they found is “better” or at least “as good” as everybody else’s.

That desperate girl who couldn’t get past two dates with a guy doesn’t want to know that that dude that she finally got to stick around has actually scared off every other woman with his clinginess or neediness. She wants to believe that she’s the only one with whom he’s fallen for so hard and  so fast. Guess what? She’s not. She just didn’t have any better options. Same goes for that guy who needs to believe that he planted that flag on his woman’s vagina and no man has gone there before him. Certainly not on the first date.

We certainly don’t want to acknowledge the real truth. That being that all those times our friends told us we could do better, we actually couldn’t.

If you’re going to have a deal breaker, make it something that is actually going to prevent you from getting hurt in the long run. Like smoking. That could actually kill you. Stop making stupid things up to use as an excuse to dismiss someone. Things like:

I usually don’t date men who don’t dance. It shows that they are not creative, take themselves too seriously and don’t know how to let go. And above all, it gives me an idea of how sensual they are since it is about moving your body and enticing the other person. Plus, if he can lead, it’s a great way for me to surrender to his arms without it being awkward. Men who don’t dance don’t interest me; they sound very boring and sexy at all. – Cricri

And this ridiculous piece of nonsense:

The only thing the OP did wrong was to schedule both dates on weekend. Saturday night for a 1st internet date??? What a waste! Those things should happen on Tuesday-Wednesday. Thursday, Friday and Saturday should be reserved for guys you’ve already gone out with. Scheduling a 1st day on Sat looks kind of desperate actually – shows you don’t have better otions or life. – Downtown Angel

The people who have the most ludicrous of deal breakers are usually the ones most flawed. They’re competing in some imaginary race, running around the track lap after lap and getting absolutely no where.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & STDs, Dating Over 40, First Date Jitters, First Impressions, Happy & Healthy, Latests Posts, Managing Expectations, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Do We Enjoy Torturing Ourselves?

January 31, 2012 by 10 Comments

So, I had my yearly exam today. In addition to the regular breast exam and blood work (fibrotic breasts! Yay!) I had my STD panel done.  It all got me to thinking about the whole sexual history issue, the STD talk, and what precautions we take or don’t take.

Here’s the scenario. You date someone for awhile, you assure each other you have no STIs. Maybe you get tested again or you rely on recent test results. Then you get a little careless here and there because things happen and you get carried away. Then you break up and you meet someone new and you wonder, “Hmmm…..maybe I should get tested again. Just to be sure.”

Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you just tuck any of those doubts into the back of your head because you know you the likelihood of being exposed to something is minimal (but not impossible, of course.) Then the moment comes when you’re about to embark on something new and you want to be sure you aren’t putting them at risk. Suddenly, even though you know you’re probably fine and have nothing to worry about, you get a nagging case of the guilts. Like maybe you’ve been too lucky for too long and now is when Karma will kick in.

Doctors, in general, freak me out. I now have to go for an ultrasound. Not because my doctors found anything but because of my family history. Just to be safe. I’m told fibrotic breasts have many causes, one of which is high levels of estrogen. I took a poll of all my sisters today and it turns out we all have the same issue. Of course, one of us has breast cancer and our mother had breast cancer, so that doesn’t put my mind at ease. While there, I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone and get the full work up of tests.

My friend M and I were emailing as I waited in the waiting room.

“Why are you torturing yourself?” he asked.

I had no rational reason other than it’s the thing to do.  It was a way to take control of a situation where I had no control. So why not go balls to the wall and thoroughly freak myself out?

Before my appointment my sister had a great piece of advice.

“Do it afraid.”

Push through the fear. Even though I really had nothing to fear, I still felt consumed by it. I have been so blessed my whole life with great health. I’ve gotten past the point where both my Mom and sister were diagnosed. How long until my luck runs out? I’ve always believed that it was my mother’s pregnancy with me that brought on her cancer. Just too much estrogen after so many pregnancies and because of her age. Maybe I feel guilty? I’m totally thinking aloud here. Feel free to ignore. This is how I get when I get anxious. All the thoughts I’ve pushed away bubble to the surface. The lid will be firmly in place in a bit and all will return to status quo. :)

I don’t know. I’m fairly drained from today between the needles and the speculums and my doctor’s cold hands on my boobies. Watching her pause a few seconds too long while examining one breast had me in a panic. (Everything is fine.)  But back to the topic at hand….

I feel like there’s a lot of propaganda out there trying to scare people unnecessarily about the dangers of STD’s and STI’s. Obviously, these are not things to shirk or ignore. But even still, we’re all so afraid we’ll be marked with some kind of Scarlett Letter should we contract something.

Then there’s the fact that you never really know if someone is 100% clean. Or 100% faithful. Or 100% honest. You just have to trust them. Which makes me wonder…what’s the point of even asking about their history? I’ve always felt that the whole “I won’t have sex without commitment because I might catch an STD!” excuse was a bit overwrought. That person could have slept with someone just before committing to you and may have contracted something that doesn’t show up in a test until several months later. If the real fear is catching an STD, then someone should wait a good 6-9 months and undergo two rounds of testing before having sex. Which, of course, nobody does. That’s why I consider the STD reasoning pretty thin. Plus, how do you even know they got tested?

I guess I’m thinking that my friend M. had a point.

Why do we tortures ourselves about this?

You know what? I’m not done with this post. STD’s aside….why do we over-analyze the things that, in the grand scheme of things, mean nothing? I was reading a post on another blog the other day. The woman must have written about 1500 words about how some guy that had winked at her had included his email address in his profile and what that meant. She justified her decision to not respond to him via email with various reasons including that she wasn’t ready to give him her real email address.

Holy balls. Make a fake email address! How is this difficult?? Email him! If it’s a fake,  it’s a fake! Who cares? How does this warrant a manifesto? What are you so afraid of?

It is, like M. said, that we enjoy torturing ourselves when it comes to all of this stuff. What does it all mean? What if they’re a fake? What if they’re going to use me for a meal? Oh my God! The sky is falling! THE SKY IS FALLING!

Then there’s all the rationalizing. People will find any reason not to go on a date or justify why they’re single or why they’re not. Good Christ. It’s truly a wonder any of us leave our homes in the morning with how prone we are to questioning and analyzing and rationalizing every little thing. It’s just always…something. We’re not happy if we don’t have something to over-think or question. It’s seems to be all some people know.

It has to be fear of some kind, right? Fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt, fear of getting used. Nobody wants to push through the fear anymore. They’d rather stay stuck. It just seems like such a waste of energy and time.

You can’t let all that stuff hold you back.

My sister had it right.

Do it afraid.

 

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If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em

November 13, 2011 by 25 Comments

Name: Kelz
State: nyc
Age: 40
Comment:  I’ve been using Match and okCupid for the past several months. When I started online dating I did so looking for a LTR. After several months of meeting men that showed no signs of wanting a serious relationship I wondered if maybe they were on to something. I’ve met 3 men that I see regularly and am sexually involved with two. The other I’ve only been out with three times but I’m sure he’ll eventually want things will turn physical. I don’t have a problem with any of this.  When I tell me friends about this they say I’ve given up on finding what I truly want but I don’t feel like I’m compromising.   Is it a bad sign that I’m not more bothered by the fact that none of these men are willing to commit? That’s my question.

Well, let’s first discuss this idea of “one true love.” How realistic is that, really? Don’t get me wrong…I love the idea of being in  a partnership with someone, someone to fight the good fight with. I just think that a connection like that can take many forms.I also think developing a connection like that doesn’t happen in just a few months. More like a few years.

Who is to say what any of these men are going to want or feel 6 months from now. Of course, you shouldn’t cling to or rely upon any guy magically changing his mind. But as we’ve said here before, men aren’t really afraid of commitment. They’re afraid of committing to the wrong person. I’ve always maintained that just because a man doesn’t agree to exclusivity after a couple months doesn’t mean he never will. (However, if he tells you explicitly he’s not looking for commitment, then you should probably cut bait and move on. It’s highly unlikely that he’ll change his mind.) So it makes sense that a man might not jump to committing after just a few months. In fact, I’d find any man who who does jump in and commit after just a few months questionable.  Determining true compatibility takes time, and I’d rather be with someone who has really thought things through and seen me at my best and worst before he decided to commit to me.

What you’re not considering, probably because you have your friends constantly chirping in your ear about what you’re supposed to want (which is really just what they think they want), is that maybe you don’t really want a serious relationship. Which is perfectly acceptable. Maybe you’re comfortable with regularly dating multiple men because it actually works for you. It’s okay to like that.  It’s also okay to sleep with multiple people if that’s what you choose. Is there a risk? Yes. But there’s a risk in sleeping with just one person with whom you’re not exclusive. If the risk is what is going to deter you, then don’t have sex at all. Commitment doesn’t protect you from catching an STD. Good judgment, common sense and prudent choices in regards to safe sex do that. Your friends probably don’t understand why you don’t have the sense of urgency they feel. That’s because they want you and everyone else in that circle to feel the same way so that they don’t have to examine their own motives. They’re going to try to do whatever they can to shame you in to not doing what you’re doing. They’ll bad mouth the guy, call him names, compare him to their boyfriends or husbands, say he’s using you…whatever. Don’t listen to them. Rely solely upon your instincts and experiences with each guy. Do not allow them to encourage you to second guess yourself. That’s what they want, because they’re second guessing themselves.

You’re not doing anything that men don’t do. If you’re truly okay with it and aren’t trying to manipulate these men in to giving you more, then what’s the problem?

Now, with all that said, there is a “downside.”

This sort of arrangement probably isn’t for you if you’re someone who always likes to have a date to a family gathering, friend’s party or holiday dinner. Or if you’re someone who thinks dating someone means you’ll always have someone to take care of you when you’re sick. Basically, if you’re someone who is defined by whether or not that have a significant other, then casually dating multiple people isn’t for you. The funny thing is that it’s usually those expectations that end up driving people away. It’s okay to want those things. But you should never require them of someone you’re dating. I’ve found that when you stopped expecting certain type of treatment, you’re more likely to get it. And when you’re dating multiple people, you’re able to get various needs met. Just not all by one person. So there’s less pressure placed upon that one person to produce, thereby encouraging them to want to do those things for you rather than do them out of a sense of obligation.

Finally, keep something in mind. Deciding to consistently date two or even three people isn’t the same as juggling first date after first date.  To me, going on several first dates, one right after the other, isn’t productive. There is no rush to find Mr. or Ms. Right. If you do find yourself under the gun, that’s about you. That’s indicative of something within you that is driving you, and that something is usually fear or guilt. Deal with that before entering in to a relationship or it will be your undoing. One or two first dates every week or so isn’t a bad idea. But try to avoid back to back first dates. Give each person  – and more importantly yourself – time to properly assess and process each date. Going on three + first dates in a week is only going to wear your mental and emotional bandwith thin.

Dare I say that I think a woman is more likely to find the long term commitment she seeks going this route than by trying to see if every guy she dates is “The One.”If getting exclusivity and commitment is a priority, then you need to speak up and ask for it. If they don’t want to give it to you, then take them off the roster. That’s the other benefit of consistently dating multiple people. It takes the pressure off of you, too. Now, instead of wanting to lock things down after a couple months, you can maybe wait it out 4-6 months before you bring it up. But if at that point he tells you he doesn’t want to commit and doesn’t see himself committing to anyone, leave. He’s probably not going to change his mind.

 

 

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What If “The One” Has Herpes?

September 15, 2011 by 30 Comments

Name: Leslie
Age: 38

State: CA

Comment: I’ve recently met an absolutely amazing guy. Charming, bright, etc. We’ve been dating for about 4 weeks and he recently shared that he has Genital Herpes.  He was clearly very embarrassed about it and was adamant that he is taking suppressive therapy to minimize his outbreaks. He encouraged me to research the disease further and was very clear that he didn’t want to pass this along to me (we have not had sex yet) and wanted me to be able to make an informed as to whether or not to continue to date him. I absolutely adore him, though, he’s not without imperfections.  I’ve never run into this before.I don’t want to be a bitch about it as this is clearly not something that he asked for, yet all of the research shows me that condoms are not foolproof and there is certainly a risk of this disease being passed on to me. I’m fearful of passing up a great guy because of this but if he is not “the one”, there’s a substantial risk of my having to have a similar conversation with another sexual partner in the future.  Would appreciate any advice on this one. Thanks!
State: CA

 

There’s two points in this letter I want to address.

First, there’s the issue of whether or not you should turn this guy down for having herpes.  Here are some important statistics from May, 2011.

How Many People Have Herpes: Fast Facts

  • 16.2%, or one out of six, people ages 14 to 49 is infected with HSV-2, the virus that causes genital herpes
  • Of those infected, 90% are unaware they have the virus
  • In the past 10 years, the percentage of U.S. citizens with genital herpes has remained stable

 

Now…if 90% of those infected are unaware that they have the virus, and the percentage of citizens with genital herpes has remained stable in the past ten years, what does that tell you?

Here’s what it tells me:

It tells me that most of those people who know they are infected are responsible, upfront and educated about the STD. It also tells me that, even without knowing that they are infected, most people unaware that they have the virus are practicing safe sex and/or not passing on the virus. You are right that condoms are not fool proof. But they’re pretty damn effective. Combine the use of condoms with someone who is responsible, informed and accountable and it seems as though the chances of being infected are fairly low.

Keep something else in mind….if 90% of those infected with the virus don’t know, imagine how many people you have already come in contact with that could have had or passed along the STD. Seems to me that the people who know that they are infected are a lot lower of a risk than those who tell you they are STD free.

I certainly understand the concern. But STDs are not leprosy or some other stigmatized disease. STDs are pretty common, in fact. They aren’t necessarily indicative of anything other than the person had physical contact with someone else. I think you’re concerned that you might get infected and then, if this relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll be deemed tainted in some way. Yes, some people will think that. I know I certainly had my concerns and still do. But the more educated we are, the less biased we remain.

I think you should continue to date this guy and give him a chance.

Next, let’s talk about this idea of “The One.”  As much as I believe in  a higher power and a plan, I don’t believe that there’s one special person designated for each of us.   I think we’re presented with several opportunities for the purpose of honing in on what it is we really want, be that to be single or in a serious relationship.  Every relationship is a lesson and an opportunity to challenge yourself and grow, not just a chance at twu wuv.

This idea of “The One” is so misleading. It’s what keeps us hanging on to the wrong people. We buy in to the fantasy and the idea of happenstance and kismet. We latch on not to the person but to the myth.

Not that believing in myths is a bad thing. I happen to believe in karma, but only because that belief keeps me from straying over the line of what’s right and wrong. Sure, there’s no hard evidence that karma exists. But holding on to that belief keeps me pretty straight. I believe in God, as childlike as that sounds, because I need to believe that there is someone watching over us, who has some sort of idea of why we’re all here, and that we all have a purpose and that life isn’t totally random. I believe in Heaven because I need to believe that, in those darker moments when I just want my Mom to hold me and tell me everything will be okay, that she can hear me when I pray to her. It’s comforting. I guess that’s why we cling to these unfounded beliefs…they comfort us in times when we feel hopeless or lost.

Blind faith is never wise. Educated faith is more likely to get you what you want. It forces you to face certain realities and evolve. I question God every day. Every day. But He knows I’m going to do that. I think He wants me to second guess him so that I gain a deeper understand of myself and the world around me. Questioning Him reminds me that this life is about more than me. Anything that encourages empathy or consideration of others is a good thing.

If putting stock in the idea of “The One” is what gets you through, then I guess you need to stick to what keeps you going.

Just don’t ever stop questioning these myths.

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & STDs, Latests Posts, Sex

Dating Someone With a Past

July 25, 2011 by 16 Comments

How do you navigate dating someone with a “past”?  you know, criminal charges, bankruptcy, addiction, that kind of stuff.  I don’t recall having seen a recent column on that.  I’ve been thinking about it because I think in general women don’t know how to ask questions or what to do with what another person discloses along these lines–and in our age range, it’s not uncommon to meet guys with one or more of these problems.  I’d be curious to know what people’s take is on this – Pistola

 

I think a lot of this depends on what you’ve been exposed to. For me, someone who is in recovery doesn’t phase me, as long as they’ve been clean for at least 2-3 years. But that’s only because of my family history with alcoholism and addiction. I know that the sober person and the addict are two different people. Who they were while they were under the influence and control of addiction is usually not who they are now. Of course, they are still an addict and many addicts shift addictions, like they give up alcohol but take up smoking or caffeine. So the addictive patterns may still be there. But if they’ve been doing what they need to do, going to meetings, etc then I don’t have any issues with dating them.

As for criminal charges, I think it depends on what they did and what the circumstances where. More than anything , I’d have to see genuine remorse.If any of the issues you bring up would concern me most, it’s this one. But I’d have to hear their side f the story.

Bankruptcy? That really wouldn’t concern me because I’m not looking for someone to financially support me, nor do I plan on merging finances when I  do move in with someone. (Of course, that would depend on what we decided together. If he explains to me why we should and it makes sense, then I’d consider it and probably do it.)  Plus, with how things are now and with how hard so many entrepreneurs have been hit, it’s not uncommon to encounter someone with bad credit, owes back taxes or who has filed for bankruptcy. What might bother me is if they didn’t try to do what they could to resolve the issue. I don’t like the idea of expecting other tax payers to clean up your mess. It’s like my issue around people who are unemployed and living of unemployment and are offered odd jobs but won’t take them. Work is work. Money is money. If you’re not going to try to get a job and pay your way, then that would be concerning for me. You’d basically be living off the hard work of others. As I’ve said, I don’t wish to be with someone who doesn’t pay his own way. Doesn’t have to be much. But he has to stand on his own two feet for the most part.Don’t care what you do, don’t care if you live in a tiny studio. As long as you are happy and able to take care of yourself. And yes, I’m still opposed to dating someone with roommates. I’m actually very interested to hear how men and women determine someone financial stability. What signs do you look for?

What about mental illness? That’s one that I think is far more common than people realize. OCD, bi-polar disorder, depression and anxiety are very common. But because some people are afraid to talk about whatever conditions they may be battling, most partners never end up knowing that the person they’re dating suffers from mental illness. For me, as long as someone is taking their meds if they take them and doing what they need to do to take care of themselves, it’s something I would not find concerning.

Then there’s physical illnesses. Could you date someone if they told you they suffered from a disease or condition that would affect their quality of life? How would someone go about revealing such a thing?

I think that, as we get older, the chances of encountering someone with “spots on their record” increases. I mentioned before my experience with the divorced men and men just out of relationships that I met when I was doing online dating. What I wonder is if a person’s ability to bounce back becomes weakened as they get older.  I truly am stunned at how many men seem totally shattered after their break-ups and divorces. They just seem…lost. Yet I talk with women in similar situations and at similar ages and they seem so much more adept at handling the same situations. Maybe it’s because men don’t feel comfortable talking about what they perceive are failures? Maybe it’s a hit to their ego and that’s why it takes them longer to recover, because they don’t talk about it and work through it?

To expect your partner to be free of any relationship blemishes, especially after 35 or so, seems counter productive. The longer we date, the longer we work, the longer we live the higher the chances we’ve had low points.STD’s, money issues, emotional issues, stress, fear of intimacy…everybody has their stuff. The question is what you’re willing to tolerate and why and what issues can you forgive and overlook?

As for how to find all this stuff out? I’d say simply ask. I don’t agree with people who have to have alllll the information up front or after one or two dates. Background checks and the like feel like a violation of privacy. Get to know someone first and get a sense of them. If you’re concerned for your safety or financial well being, take the necessary precautions. When I hear people – men and women – say they don’t want to waste their time, my first thought is to suggest that they just stay home and not date.

Dating Reality: Much of the time you spend dating will be a waste of time.

If you can’t get through 4 or 5 dates without knowing everything about the person you’re dating, you’re going to end up shooting yourself in the foot. People should be allowed to reveal something sensitive in their own time. That is, if they feel it’s relevant. That’s another thing. I can remember someone writing in and saying she found out that her boyfriend of five years finally revealed to her that he had been briefly married when he was younger. I didn’t think ti was an issue that he didn’t tell her. Why is it relevant? How does it relate to his current relationship? The real question is: why do we feel we need to know or are owed a review of someone’s history?

Look. People mess up. They cheat. They lie. They make bad decisions. What matters is that they’re trying to rectify their actions and show regret and don’t repeat those mistakes. Of course, there are limits to how understanding someone should be. If someone admitted to abusing a partner, or physically hurting someone or intentionally deceiving them, that would be difficult for me to get past. But, as I said in the beginning, we all have our thresholds based on personal experience.

 

 

I’ll end with this:

Would you rather date someone with a history of cheating or someone financially unstable?

Would You Rather Date Someone W/a History of Cheating or Who Was Financially Unstable?

View Results

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Finances, Dating & STDs, Dating After Divorce, Happy & Healthy, Latests Posts

Why Men Hate Hearing “We Need To Talk”

July 21, 2011 by 37 Comments

Here’s the scenario:

Woman and man are having a casual relationship for several months. Woman and man have anal sex. The condom breaks. Women texts the man the next day saying they need to talk about what happened. Guy says okay, but doesn’t call her as she requested, saying he’s busy at work. He finally texts her a few days later and she tells him she wants to know if he’s been tested since the last time the discussed each other’s testing history. He tells her that if she’s so concerned that she should go get tested. Woman apologizes and says that she wasn’t trying to offend him and that his lack of a timely response has her confused about how he feels.


To him, this was not a big deal. He probably knows he’s safe. And, if we’re going to be frank here, she’s as responsible as he is for making sure the conversation over whether he’s STD free happens. Especially if she’s having anal sex. In his mind, all he hears is drama, drama, drama. So he’s naturally going to avoid that conversation.

Never assume a man cares about you, period, until he tells you he cares about you and follows that up with actions and consistent follow through. And even then, it could all be an act. That’s why you need to develop a personal code by which you live when it comes to dating, determine if it’s realistic, and then stick by it.

Here’s my personal opinion of this particular scenario. The whole “std talk” after the fact is just an ice breaker to the “how do you feel about me” conversation. That’s really what we want to know in most cases. Sometimes, absolutely, you follow up with someone and double check. You have an attack of the guilts and fear that karma will somehow catch up to you and bestow upon you a sexually transmitted disease. Rarely do we ever send these texts messages or require these isolated conversations when we’re intimately involved with someone we trust and with whom we know where we stand. These conversations are rarely really about whether or not our lover is disease free. (Yes, J., I know how much you hate the word “lover.”)

To me, this feels like an excuse to get in to the “are you sleeping with anyone else/how do you feel about me” talk. And here’s a secret…men know what we’re doing when we do this. That’s why they usually ignore this question. It’s a back-door (see what I did there?) way to try and force the other person in to treating you as though you and he are in a relationship. There are little things people do when involved with someone casually that are really just ways to get the other person to treat them like a boyfriend or a girlfriend. The STD talk is one. Requesting a person call you versus text you is another. Inviting them out to a play or event “because you have a spare ticket.” Things that two people in a relationship would do naturally. (Although I think asking or offering for someone to spend the night is still something people in FWB relationships do and it doesn’t mean anything.)  The thing to remember is that, even if you get someone to do these things, it still doesn’t prove anything or make the situation transform in to a “real” relationship.

This is the main reason why men hate hearing the phrase “We need to talk.” What that usually means is “I need to talk to you about how I feel.” Many men feel that we are complicating matters that they perceive are simple or crystal clear by requiring discussion. Sometimes we are. Sometimes we’re not. Sorry guys, but sometimes the boundaries and expectations need to be discussed and clarified. If we don’t ask you to talk, you’ll continue on doing whatever you’re doing forever.

 

 

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