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Dealing With The Passive Aggressive Email Dater

February 13, 2013 by 36 Comments

 

When is it okay to say something about how long it takes for a guy to respond to a text or email? I’ve been out with the guy in question twice. He sometimes takes a whole day (as in 24 hrs) to reply to emails. – Georgia, 38, NYC

 

I’d need a little more to go on here. In general, I find a long lapse in response to an email to be a not so good sign. There’s just no excuse for someone to not be able to reply to a message within a few hours at least. I can’t stand when people say that they’re “so busy!” and that’s why they haven’t sent a response. Orly? That busy? Wow. You’re so important! I’ll just sit here eagerly awaiting your response while you carve out the 38 seconds it would take to write a reply.

There’s usually an underlying message to the lack of a message. They’re trying to tell you something without telling you while probably trying to maintain their image as a “good person.” They’re hoping you get the hint and go away quietly.

Passive aggression. I hate it. I hate it more than I hate Facebook status updates about what someone had for lunch.

The most frustrating part of being on the receiving end of that behavior is that if you speak up and say anything, it just gets worse. You become the “crazy” one. You’re not sympathetic to their situation. You’re selfish.

The lapse in response time and disappearing during a conversation is done to create a sense of urgency and incite confusion and insecurity. It’s often a power play, and it’s really, really destructive to someone’s self-esteem. It’s especially unhealthy if, like me, you’re confrontational. I only had to be involved with one passive aggressive guy to learn very quickly that a relationship with someone like that will not end well for me. It just becomes this ongoing pissing contest.

The true sign of passive aggression is that when a person is called on it they will respond with something particularly hurtful. The goal in such cases is to subdue you. You’re on to them, they know it, and now they feel trapped. Ignore whatever it is that they say. Remember, it’s said with the intention of slicing your psychological Achilles heel. They’ll identify your weakness and exploit it to your advantage. Especially if you’ve constructed a well informed argument. That’s why I hate to see you or anybody else put yourself in a vulnerable position so early in the game. Some things men and women just have to suck up for a bit until there’s a genuine comfort level.

My honest advice to you is to stop contacting this guy all together. By not replying in a timely fashion, he’s telling you where you fall on the priority list. That’s not to imply that you should be high a top the list after two dates. That’s an unreasonable expectation. However, if he was genuinely interested in keeping you around in some way he’d at least do I what I refer to as “investing.” Investing can take many forms. It can be the weekly text from someone you met online, sent “just to say hi”, but never leads to setting up an actual date. It can be a few word response to an email you sent. Investing involves making the bare minimum of effort just to maintain a line of communication and contact.

At best, I would think this guy is moderately interested. I’d suggest sitting back and waiting to see if he follows up with you at some point. In the interim, hop online or go out and meet other people.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating The Crazy, Servicey!, Social Rules of Dating, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Do You Enjoy Being A Dating Victim?

January 17, 2013 by 10 Comments

Name: E.B.
Age: 28
State: WA
Question: Here is my situation..  I was in a 9 year relationship and got divorced in the summer of 2011.  We were together from the time I was 17 until I was 26. He put me down a lot and we did not enjoy spending time together and wanted different things, he decided he did not want children, and so I decided it was time to move on. When I made that decision my mother decided that it was all my fault, I am a horrible person and my parents have not spoken to me in a year and a half.  In the fall of 2011 I met a person I simply refer to as POS. the first 2 months were fine but then I started to find out things he had lied about. To make a long story short after about 4 months it all ended in a very dramatic week in which I was held hostage in my own home, threatened daily until he was arrested, my house searched, my car seized by the police as he had apparently been taking it on drugs runs and robberies.  I found out he was lying about pretty much everything… His name, his past, his job, where he was what he was doing… Was there red flags? Hell yes. Was I am idiot and ignored them because I was depressed and wanted desperately to feel someone loved me? Hell yes.

I now suffer from PTSD and severe anxiety which has made dating difficult to say the least. I have moved across the country to try and get a fresh start.  I am fine in a casual dating setting but in the 2 relationships I have attempted to take to a more serious level have ended in disaster. As soon as I begin to develop feelings I also begin with the panic attacks and anxiety. I become extremely needy, clingy, jealous and basically turn into a lunatic. I am aware of it. Aware I am driving them away. But it’s like I can’t control it by that point. I totally lose my confidence and happiness and become consumed with what this person is doing and thinking. I am convinced everything is a lie and they are using me.

I have begun counseling to deal with my issues but I love this website and the no nonsense approach so I wanted to see if there was another interpretation of my behavior and the way I now view relationships and if anyone has been in a similar situation what helped to get through it. I am planning on taking some time off of dating because I do not want to treat another person the way I treated the last person.  Thanks for any feedback and advice!!

 

Well, I’m no therapist but you sound like you can’t be alone and are probably a bit co-dependent. You were divorced in the summer of 2011 and by fall of 2011 you’re already in a new relationship. Of course you ignored the red flags. You wanted the relationship to work because you didn’t want to be on your own.

It’s not enough to go, “Yup, I ignored the red flags.”  The more pressing issue is why you ignored them. You knew the guy was a dirt bag but stayed with him anyway. That’s the real problem, not that you somehow got bamboozled by his lies, as you didn’t. That’s bullshit.

As I’ve said before, stable people don’t find themselves being held hostage in their own home by their drug dealer boyfriend. It doesn’t happen that way.  Just like women with their shit together or an accurate perception of themselves don’t wind up dating some married man or con artist. Women who find themselves involved with men like this put themselves in those situations in one way or another. Either they place importance on qualities common in these smarmy and shady types or they enjoy the drama and self-victimization.  Those results are merely outliers to the deeper issues. That’s just how the issues manifest. That situation, while obviously scarring in some way,  isn’t why you get needy and clingy and anxious and drive men away. That behavior has been there all along and is part and parcel in why you get in the unhealthy relationships you get into.

Dating detoxes are swell and all, but they really serve no purpose other than to make you feel like you’re proactively trying to solve the problem. It’s a great thing to say, of course. It sounds like you’re making a healthy and rational decision. People say a lot of things to convince themselves and others that they’re trying to do the right thing. None of that matters. What matters is results. The true test is to take what you learn through therapy and apply it. That’s where the rubber hits the road.

I don’t really buy that you want to hear other people’s experiences. I think you’re more interested in commiserating. That’s typically why people take to the internet and crowd source their problems. They don’t really want answers. They want sympathy and attention. They want validation for how they handles things so they can feel a little less bad about themselves and their behavior. Harsh, I know.

But it’s true.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Advice, Dating After Divorce, Dating The Crazy, Dysfunction Junction Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

How To Tell If They’re a Dating Liability

January 12, 2013 by 21 Comments

Name: Denny Laine
Age: 44
State: New York City
Question: I recently started talking with an OKcupid woman who I’ve been e-mailing with for a  week. Things were going great and we finally made an appointment to meet. Before hanging up though she said “Just to let you know, I just got out of a 10 year relationship.” I didn’t know what to say but “OK.”   I didn’t know what to make of that.  What did that have anything to do with me? With us? Shouldn’t we start out fresh when meeting possible mates? Should I admire her for having a relationship last that long? Or should I question her for ending a relationship that lasted a long time? Do I give myself 10 years with her to see if we would make a different kind of couple?  When I meet someone, I like to think we’re starting out fresh. I would answer any question they may have from “how long was your longest relationship?” to “why do you think it failed?” I would answer absolutely anything and everything and be totally honest. I understand it’s not about me, that she’s just trying to get a picture of what WE would be like in the future.  But I wouldn’t saddle anyone with something like that when first meeting them. Was that supposed to be a warning to me, a total stranger looking to see her in good faith, starting out fresh? Any thoughts?
Age: 44
State: New York City

Wow. Okay. First, slow down. You haven’t even met this woman an already you’re thinking in terms of “we.” You are over-thinking this, which is almost certain to lead to you psyching yourself out.

She told you about her break-up for two reasons:

1. Because she’s probably a bit of a mess and didn’t know not to say that.

2. To warn you that she’s a bit of a mess and that you shouldn’t get your hopes up.

Her lack of self-awareness will inevitably cause problems down the road.

Personally, someone like this would present a degree of difficulty that does not interest me. I’d bail.

I would answer any question they may have from “how long was your longest relationship?” to “why do you think it failed?” I would answer absolutely anything and everything and be totally honest.

You’ve written several letters to me complaining that you can’t seem to find a girlfriend and that women think you’re “too nice.” This is why. You have to understand that when women ask you these kinds of questions there’s a reason and it’s not just curiosity. They want to find things out about you to eventually use against you in some way. Women ask men these questions in an attempt to exert power over them. They’re trying to establish just how far they can push him. If you answer these questions in any kind of detail, you risk looking weak. That is what “too nice” actually means.

I understand it’s not about me, that she’s just trying to get a picture of what WE would be like in the future.  But I wouldn’t saddle anyone with something like that when first meeting them.

That’s where you’re wrong. You do not factor into why she revealed this bit of information. You’re right. Nobody should ever saddle a prospective date with something that personal. It’s inappropriate. She lacks the social skills needed to know that. That’s what makes her a liability. A ten year relationship? Did they ever marry? Were they engaged? The potential bad judgment surrounding that scenario abounds. My guess is that she’s not looking for a relationship. She’s just looking to get back on the horse and have dates so she can feel more attractive. Same goes for men who offer such revelations. Except they’re also looking to get laid, since that’s what truly convinces a man that a woman finds him attractive.

This is why people should skip all the chit chat and decrease the amount of communicating they do before actually meeting someone in person. Inevitably someone says something stupid or inappropriate. You have to remember that everything you say is being put under a microscope. That’s why you should avoid discussing, among other things,  dating/relationship history. That topic is a minefield and gives people far too much ammunition. The whole subject should be avoided until the two people have established a level of trust and intimacy. Let them get a first hand sense of who you are in a relationship before you tell them about who you were in other relationships.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating The Crazy, Don't Date 'Em, First Impressions, Happy & Healthy, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Does He Want To Wait To Have Sex?

January 9, 2013 by 40 Comments

question….what are your thoughts on a guy who is into a girl immediately and ‘commits’ to an exclusive relationship within 2-3 weeks of meeting however, wants to wait until it feels right to have intercourse.

He loves giving oral to his GF even though she doesn’t reciprocate nearly as much due to some past issues/concerns she has….he’s pretty tolerant and respectful of that……she totally loves receiving oral from him and expresses her extreme satisfaction…..   what would you think about a girl that gets frustrated by the guy not having intercourse yet and also what would you think about this girl who then won’t even allow fooling around to go beyond kissing because she feels ‘tortured’ by receiving oral and some other play but isn’t allowed to have sexual intercourse because he’s not ready yet…..- A., Male,38, NYC

 

Since I know you and since we’ve had a conversation about this specific issue before, I want to include something that you left out of the story. Your hesitation surrounding having sex too soon is mostly rooted in your fear of getting a woman pregnant. You’ve told me this. When you first told me about this hesitation I have to be honest and say that I thought it sounded like an irrational phobia. I strongly urge you to talk about this with a professional. If you’re being responsible and safe and you educate yourself on ovulation and conception, then you don’t really have anything to worry about.

If she’s getting off, then I don’t understand her frustration. She committed to you without the sex. Unless you promised her that you two would fully consummate the relationship once you and she were exclusive, I don’t understand why she’s so bothered. That is, unless this relationship has been going on for several months without intercourse. That’s a problem.  I also don’t understand how you can be so blase about the fact that she refuses to give you head citing “past issues.” The bottom line is that either she doesn’t like giving head and doesn’t feel a need to return the favor despite all the effort you make to please her OR she’s withholding oral until you give her intercourse. Either possibility is a bad sign.There should never be any withholding of affection in a relationship. If she cared for you, she’d at least try.  I’m just not sure how connected you and she could be when your relationship lacks such a fundamental form and expression of intimacy. Right now, it sounds like sex is just a tool for you two to climax and that’s it. That’s childish.

Another red flag is that you’ve committed to her 1) after 3 weeks of dating 2) without having sex with her. As I’ve said before, men who typically jump head first into relationship usually do so because they have a critical flaw that they wish to hide. They want to lock the woman in and dazzle her with their willingness to commit, knowing that’s what most women want.

I think both you and she need to be honest with yourselves and each other that sex is not much of a priority. Therefore, all this fretting and wondering is a waste of time. I don’t buy that she’s frustrated at the lack of sex. I think that works for her, actually. If she were so sexual that a lack of intercourse bothered her, it stands to reason that she would engage in whatever she could to fill that void while she waited for you to be ready. She might believe that she’s frustrated at the lack of intercourse, but I’m guessing she’s quite relieved. She doesn’t have to go down on you and doesn’t have to have intercourse. She got you to commit without having to have sex. Sweetheart, you’re the typical Manhattan single woman’s wet dream.

Maybe you don’t like having sex with condoms and that’s why you hold off. I don’t know. What I do know is that without sex, you two are engaging in a high school version of a relationship. People who like and enjoy sex have it. You two aren’t having it. You both agreed to be exclusive without knowing if you sexually satisfy each other. This is the typical outcome of situations like that.

There are some alarming physical, interpersonal and emotional disconnects going on here. That does not bode well if you hope to have a mature and healthy adult relationship.

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, Dating The Crazy, First Date Sex, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sherlock Holmes Your Way To A Better Online Dating Experience

January 1, 2013 by 13 Comments

A little deductive reasoning can spare you an agonizing date.

If you’ve had a series of confusing (or even disturbing) online dates, then you probably overlooked some key clues in your companion’s profile. Take a look at this list and see if any of these red flags ring a bell.

 

*They only have one photo on their profile

What it says: Since most people can manage to scrape together at least 3 acceptable photos of themselves, just having one immediately sets off a red flag. Either the subject isn’t terribly trusting or invested in the process or could only manage to find one old-ish photo where they look attractive. If the person were subjectively good looking, they’d be able to find at least a couple pics that showcase their various angles.

*They only have photos of themselves taken by a phone or laptop

What it says: Most folks have an array of pictures taken from social events and gatherings. If someone doesn’t have even one of those on their profile, it’s probably because they lead a fairly insulated life with limited socialization.

*They post multiple attractive photos, but barely fill out their profile

What that says: They think the rules don’t apply to them. Online dating has a standard list of unspoken guidelines by which most people abide. People who think they can get away with skipping the basics strictly because they’re objectively attractive display an alarming sense of entitlement.

*They have multiple photos, but none with a clear shot of their face.

What it says: These people expect you to be so intrigued that you’ll feel compelled to respond. That indicates a sense of entitlement. That will only lead to further issues down the road. Or they’re hiding from someone.

*They verbalize deal-breakers

What it says: It’s perfectly acceptable to have preferences. Everybody does. Selecting “non-smoker” as a smoking preference is enough to tell me that you prefer not to date a smoker. Overtly stating that non-smokers/right wingers/blondes/Christians need not apply makes you sound intolerant. If you’re intolerant about one thing, you’re probably intolerant about others. Being opinionated if fine. Being intolerant suggests a rigidity and intensity that might be too much to handle.

*They reveal that they’re just out of a relationship

What it says: Someone who alerts you to the fact that they’re just out of a relationship is typically just looking for a quick hook up or trying to get back on the dating horse. Unless you want to be someone’s “get over the hump” hump, avoid them. “Just out of a relationship” is usually code for “Just looking for casual sex.” These people will expect you to be inordinately forgiving and understanding of their plight.

*The reveal sensitive details about their past

What it says: Sharing with the internet that your father abandoned you or that you were once tortured by an in home burglary sends the message that you carry heavy baggage and emotional scars. Most people know that that is a turn off. That’s why someone who would share such intimate information either lacks self-awareness or consistently seeks attention/praise/sympathy. Unless you have a thing for high maintenance mates, avoid.

*Their profile is excessively verbose

What it says: This person possesses a dazzling level of self-absorption if they expect people to muddle through their personal manifesto. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that more words means more emotional depth. The only thing they’re invested in is themselves.

*They take longer than a few hours to reply to an email

What it says: Unless they are trapped in a Panic Room without a signal, there is no excuse for taking longer than a few hours to reply to a message. People are attached to their smartphones, tablets, iPads and laptops. A long lapse in communication – without offering any explanation – conveys a low level of interest or schedule so filled (possibly by a mate) that they don’t have time to properly get to know someone.

*They’re vague about their availability

What it says: The whole point of dating online is to get offline. If someone drags their feet about setting up an initial meeting, there’s a reason and it’s rarely a good one. Cut your losses pronto or risk being strung along with innocuous texts every couple of days.

*They inform readers that they don’t typically initiate contact or check their inbox regularly

What it says: They’re risk averse. They expect you to make the first move so that they don’t have to chance being rejected.  Try to imagine dating someone who needs you to continuously prove yourself. Exhausting, yes?

While many of these seem elementary, understanding why people do these things will help you avoid the bad daters online and off.

Here’s one final bit of advice. When you come across something in a profile  or in offline interaction that feels off to you, stop and ask yourself ONE question:

Why would someone do that?

If you can’t come up with a reasonable explanation that doesn’t involve rationalizing, then that means you should probably move on. We’ve discussed critical thinking quite a bit here. Critical thinking is where you challenge commonly believed assumptions. Deductive reasoning takes that a step further. It involves cultivating enough knowledge, understanding and experience about your environment/subject to be able effectively analyze a given situation. The longer you do online dating and the more experience you gather, the quicker you will be able to spot red flags or potential problems.

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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating Skills, Dating The Crazy, Deductive Reasoning, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The #1 Red Flag That Your Date Is Bad News

December 15, 2012 by 14 Comments

Here’s an article from XOJane that I thought would make for interesting discussion.

In the story, the man and woman met online and are on their 2nd date. The first date goes really well. The second date, however, takes a bad turn. The guy is European, with the sexy accent to boot, who works on Wall Street. Not only does he literally tell her at the beginning of the 2nd date that he’s an asshole, but he also reveals that he and one of his Wall Street brahs committed a teensy bit of white collar crime and got slapped on the hand for it. The minute the writer revealed that the guy worked in finance and had an accent, I knew this wasn’t going to end well. In the same vein, as soon as she admitted that she has a thing for men with accents, I knew why she was in this situation. Most women, at one time or another, want to date their own personal James Bond. Guys with accents are exotic. (Date a few and you’ll realize how woefully unimpressive they really are.)

He willingly presents himself in a negative light by copping to fraudulent behavior. Do you know what that means? It means he doesn’t care what she thinks about him. There’s your #1 Red Flag that you’re on a date with a douche.

Similar red flags include:

1. Telling you he has a girlfriend but still tries to hook up with you

2. Admissions of cheating or other indiscretions that denote poor character.

3. Telling you that he’s not looking for anything serious but thinks you’d be great f*ck-buddy material.

On her part, she came off like less than a slice of heaven as well. Look, it’s a second date. A good general rule of thumb is to avoid conversations about politics, rape and murder. Jesus Christ. Have a drink, tell a knock knock joke, run your hand up his thigh and  flirt a little. But no. She felt compelled to show just how intellectual and well-informed she was instead of just dismissing his initial obnoxious comment. This guy was never going to concede, nor did he even care what her opinion was on the subject. He made an ignorant and obnoxious comment either to intentionally rile her up or to shut down the topic because he didn’t wish to discuss it.  She has mentioned that she self-identifies in her dating profile as a feminist. So there’s your explanation right there as to why he’d say something so arrogant. Maybe he was teasing her because he’s still 12 years old emotionally. Or maybe he sucks. Who knows. Polarizing topics don’t belong in a profile any more than they belong in conversation on the first few dates. He was clearly baiting her and she fell for it. That’s because, I think,  she likes the drama and conflict involved with dating an asshole, a red flag of its own. We’ve discussed this particular author before. This isn’t the first time she’s written about a man calling her crazy or irrational or where she’s humblebragged about dating a pick up artist or felt insulted by a date. So either she is, in fact, crazy or irrational or she seeks out or creates conflict, which then leads to men calling her crazy and irrational. In my opinion, these two both performed a little self-sabotage.

The first few dates are about gauging compatibility and enjoying the moment. They’re not cage matches. A date should never take on the vibe of some kind of Gladiator-esque showdown. If it does, you need to pull back a bit and re-group. Drop any heavy topics or skirt them in some way. If someone says something that completely offends or unnerves you, leave. Don’t sit there trying to have an argument with them to prove your passion or intellect. You don’t owe anybody that that early on in a relationship. If they offend you, first try to gauge if they’re just being socially awkward or not. If they’re being rude, walk away.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Awkward, Dating, Dating Skills, Dating The Crazy, First Impressions Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is Your Love Life Like An After School Special?

December 9, 2012 by 31 Comments

Name: Elle
Question: I have a situation with a man (I’ll call him the “busy guy”) that I met in August. We had about 4-5 dates before things got “rocky” to say the least. He was on summer recess from college when we met and he also works full-time. He told me everything up front, including how he’s just getting out of a nasty relationship with his ex who cheated on him, got pregnant by the other guy, and unexpectedly abandoned him for the other guy…Come to think of it the busy guy is carrying a lot of emotional baggage and doesn’t seem to be over a lot of women he’s dated in the past…

Anyway he told me up front that things would become really hectic for him once school starts back in September and that he’s not looking for a serious relationship right now…He even told me to date other men…

I was crushed by that since I really liked him…Plus I thought that we were starting to get serious given all the futuristic talks we had about marriage, how to raise our children, etc….He showed me his family album of pictures and told me so much about his family that I feel like I’ve known them all my life. We even discussed having unprotected sex with each other (after we both got tested together of course).

But I did respect his wishes and continued to date him and other men. A few weeks ago I was on a date with another man and we attended at party. This “busy guy” was also there which was strange because he never parties in Manhattan and he doesn’t know where to go in the City (I usually tell him where all the hot spots are). I couldn’t help but think that he was following my Foursquare check-ins on Facebook and decided to show up at that party…

I was standing on the dance floor holding hands with my new date and the busy guy walked up and literally snatched me away from my date and gave me the biggest bear hug ever. I really didn’t know what to do so I gave busy guy a hug back then pulled away from him so we could have a quick conversation. Instead, busy guy pulled me closer towards his body and started rubbing my waist and back and admiring my body. All this happened in front of my new date who just stood there dumbfounded.

We chatted for awhile then busy guy left and said he’ll be back later to dance with me…But later never happened because my date whisked me upstairs to the VIP area and wouldn’t let me come near busy guy for the rest of the night.

Meanwhile, busy guy texted me and asked me where I’m at so he could dance with me. I could see that he was looking all over for me. Finally busy guy looked upstairs and saw me dancing with my date. We were standing on the balcony overlooking the downstairs dance floor where busy guy was standing looking enraged and heartbroken. Busy guy stood there in the middle of the dance floor for at least a half hour just starring at me and my date dancing!

Later that night I texted busy guy and told him I was in upstairs VIP and asked where was he at but all busy guy did was reply back “Yeah I saw you up there…”

A week later I texted busy guy again just to say hi and to tell him that I missed him but he never texted back. He usually texts back within a couple hours.

I really like busy guy but I think he’s angry with me because he saw me out on a date with another man, which is crazy because he told me to date other men in the first place! I haven’t heard from busy guy in 3 weeks now…But busy guy hasn’t deleted me from his Facebook page yet so maybe he’s just “busy”.

What should I do or say to get busy guy to talk to me again? Or should I just let him go?
Age: 35
State: NY

 

You have futuristic talks with Busy Guy? Like, about how robots were eventually going to run the world and stuff?

I’m sorry to open with snark, but this story is all kinds of ridiculous and melodramatic. Put a boom box in Busy Boy’s hands while he stood in the middle of the dance floor watching you on that balcony and it would be like a mash up of Say Anything and She’s All That.

Elle, the guy doesn’t want you. He told you as much. Now you’re creating a storyline in your head of how this guy just couldn’t let you go and was following you around the city with his heart in his hands. Unless you were staring back at him for those 30 minutes, too, you have no idea what he was doing. Sure, maybe he glanced up at you a few times. But stood their watching you for half an hour? Monitors your Four Square check in? (Ok. I’ll give you that one because I actually had that happen to me once.) You need to stop watching so much TV.

You were on a date with someone else and completely disrespected that guy while you played out some After School Special in your head. You know why he didn’t respond to your texts? He’s not interested. But rather than pay attention to all the warning signs that this guy is hand delivering to you, you’ve decided to pursue him anyway. Not sure that anything I say here will resonate with you. Personally, I’d let this guy go.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Beware, Dating, Dating The Crazy, Deaing With an Ex

What Do You Do When An Ex Publicly Calls You Out?

December 6, 2012 by 43 Comments

Question: What’s your advice to a man who was recently blasted on OK Cupid and Twitter (by username) by a woman he dated a few times? I met A. through OKC. She mentioned in her profile that she wrote for a website/blog. My curiosity got the better of me and I asked for the link. From there I found her Twitter and followed her. After a couple dates I got the feeling we wouldn’t be a good mix. I ended things after the 4th date. Looking back I should have followed my initial instincts and ended things before they went too far. We had sex on the third and fourth date. After that I told her I didn’t think things would work out. I thought I’d wait awhile before unfollowing her. The day after I “broke up” with her she updated her OKC profile and said she was off the market for a bit because of being humiliated by me. The same day she posted a link to my OKC profile on her Twitter feed telling everybody what an ass I was. This all happened two weeks ago and she’s still saying things. Should I contact her and try to smooth things over? – G., 33 – Facebook

 

Do not contact her. It’ll just give her more to bitch and complain about. Trust me. I know of what I speak on this matter. Any attempt to offer an olive branch will seem phony at this point.

I’m not sure how you found out that she said anything. Did someone alert you to this fact? Or were you creeping her pages just to be sure she wasn’t bad mouthing you? If it’s the latter, then stop that pronto. If she bad mouths you, she bad mouths you. As long as she’s not naming you by name, then who gives a shit? Disable your OK Cupid profile and start a new one. There. Problem solved. Could she find it and continue to bad mouth you? Yes. Again, who gives a shit? Just by outing you she looks psychotic and anybody who would listen to her isn’t worth your time. Just stop caring about this. If she finds out that you’re watching her, I guarantee you she will keep it up. I am absolutely guilty of this. When I found out that someone I was involved with was creeping all my social media, I made it a point to say things on Twitter (and only Twitter) that he could construe were about him. Petty? Counter-productive? Yes and Yes. Bite me. It felt great. I never used specifics or linked to anything, nor did I make it a daily or even weekly habit. The only reason he knew what I was saying was because he was watching. (I had changed all the URLs/usernames to my social media profiles because of him. The only way he would have been able to find the new pages was if he either a) made a point to find the new address or b) been following me under a fake profile all along. See how that works?) He eventually wrote me and warned me that his gf’s ex-cop uncle was monitoring my online activity across various sites. That’s why, OP, you shouldn’t say anything. You’ll be outing yourself as reading her stuff and end up looking stalkery (and flat out pathetic) yourself.

A few tips for venting about an ex publicly:

1. Never use specifics of any kind - You can’t be reckless in this day and age. No, you’re not being careful if you only reveal their unique first name. You’re doing it intentionally to make them look bad, and that makes you an asshole with impulse control issues. Be careful not to reveal anything that will lead people right to your subject. Remember this: the enemy of my enemy is my friend. If you’ve got skeletons of your own, you can be sure they’ll tumble out of that closet right quick.

2. Never use criticism to smoke someone out – If your ex refuses to reply to your attempts at contact, take that as a sign that they don’t want to talk to you. Running to Twitter, Facebook and YouTube to publicly reveal intimate details about their life in dribs and drabs is not the way to get them to respond.  Behavior like that makes you look like an awful, immature, vindictive crazy person, despite what your sycophantic followers tell you.

3. Have some dignity - Rolling around wailing on Twitter is not only unbecoming, it’s insufferable and unbearable to watch. If you get dumped, lick your wounds privately. Again, trust me on this, The last person you want seeing you so vulnerable is the person that you believed hurt you. It gives them far too much power over you. They’ll watch and wait and strike when they think you’re vulnerable.

4. Keep private matters private - Leave text messages and emails and profile info offline. Look, just because it didn’t work out for you doesn’t mean they aren’t a good person. Learn the difference between a good person in a bad situation and a bad person.

5. Remember that it’s a small world - Take, for example, an email I received the other night from a reader. They happened to be a reader of another blog. A recent post perked up their ears because the numerous specifics mentioned about the guy in question fit a regular commenter here. Sure enough, when I read the blog, I realized the woman was lambasting someone I knew. And while he absolutely brought it upon himself, she still looked bad for what she said and came off immature and spiteful.

 

Tips to avoid being bitchy blogger fodder:

1. Do your research - Your first clue that this girl was going to do something like this was that she admitted in her profile that she writes for a website or keeps a blog. That’s your cue. These are rarely isolated incidents. Meaning, this woman has undoubtedly done this before. If you read her website or tweets and she seems attention whorey, you can be sure she’ll eventually use you as bait to get it. If she does appear loose lipped, approach with caution.

2. Don’t lie about reading her blog or tweets – Granted, deep down, we know that it’s a lie. But if you tell us that you’re not reading, we’re going to test you. That’s when the rubber hits the road. Let me tell you, if we know we have you or anyone close to you as part of our audience, we’ll use this to our advantage.

3. Don’t put anything you don’t want public knowledge in writing – Keep all communication during the first few dates brief and innocuous. That person has to prove themselves to you. Before our first date, the guy I’ve been dating and I talked about what I do for a living. We even read some of the blog together. I was open to any and all concerns he voiced. As someone who does this for a living or for a hobby, you have to understand that what we do is really unsettling to most men.

4. Don’t date someone because of their blog - Oh, so you like to be written about? Remember you said that. Nobody likes to feel like an experiment.

5. Don’t follow them on social media until things get serious – That way, there’s no messy unfollowing or defriending.

I say you try and capitalize on this. Let this girl give you free promotion. The smart women will recognize that you dumped a Crazy. Or her hate followers will do what they can to get one over on her and try to date you so they can rub her face in it. Whatever you do, do not contact her and try to ignore it. She’s trying to get your attention because she hopes you’re reading. Don’t react and I assure you she’ll get tired of it and find another victim. Don’t unfollow her or block her, either. Do not reveal your presence at all. If she sees that she’d getting to you, she’ll keep it up.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating The Crazy, Deaing With an Ex, Drama Queens, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dating & Pets: Do They Mix?

December 4, 2012 by 66 Comments

Name: S.
Age: 29
State: California
Question: I’ve been doing some online dating.  I am a woman who lives alone with pets in a home.  I’ve received questions like “so do you live alone” or “who do you live with.”   My instinct is to tell them I live with roommates.  I feel like it is a red flag that they are asking this question without ever had met in person.  I also feel like it is none of their business at this point.  Should I trust my instincts or is it a way to find out if I still live with my parents?  Thanks for taking my question.

 

You shouldn’t tell them you live with roommates because that’s one of those lies that, if revealed, will make you look strange or paranoid. You say that you live with pets. Plural. How many are we talking here? Like..2? 3? 12? Maybe you feel uncomfortable about living with a number of pets? I have two cats. Yes, I know. I’m a walking stereotype. I don’t typically tell guys I have 2. I say that I have 1 because I want to avoid giving some guy an asthma attack or allergic reaction once he enters my apartment. I sometimes volunteer with animals so I don’t care if a guy has a dog or cat. Yeah, dating a guy with a dog is a hassle because it interferes with things and makes scheduling things a tad difficult.  I love animals so I look past it. But some people don’t.

Guys with cats are often considered creepy by women. Women with cats are often thought of as sad. It’s unfortunate, but even our choice in pets can sometimes work against us. Between allergies to a general dislike, having a pet does lessen your options. (PS? Anybody who says they don’t like dogs or cats is immediately considered suspect to me.)

Some women actually feel threatened by a guy’s relationship with his dog. I’ve heard stories where men and women take their dogs on dates because they want to test their potential mate’s affinity for their canine friends. Don’t get me started about people who take their dogs to the office. There’s such a thing as being too attached to your pet.

I’ll take  a cat owner over a dog owner any day because cats are so self-sufficient. No need to cut dates short because they have to get home to walk Fido. You can sleep in without being awoken at 7:30 because his pup needs to pee. Dating someone with a dog really can be difficult if you’re not flexible and they’re unusually dependent on their canine.

All that being covered, let’s address your paranoia.

I’m going to use a word that I hate here:

Chillax.

Either they want to be sure you’re not some gold digger or transitional person

OR…

They want to be sure you live alone so you and they can have sexy time without having to worry about your roomies.

People don’t always have an agenda when they ask certain questions. You can’t be worrying that someone is plotting to cook you and eat you. I have to disagree with you that your living situation is none of their business. I always ask men about their living situation. Why? Because I don’t date couch surfers. That’s a red flag right there if a man in his thirties or forties is sleeping on some brah’s couch. I also don’t date men with roommates for reasons I have discussed ad nauseum here. I suspect that many men feel the same. They want a woman who is financially responsible and stable. They don’t want to be someone’s meal ticket.

The next time someone asks you you’re living situation, tell them exactly what you told me. You live alone and have pets. Simple. This really isn’t as dark and nefarious as you’re making it out to be. If their conversations are sexual and then they ask about your living situation, then I can see why your red flags are waving. In a case like that, the guy is angling to get you naked. But again, that’s not as horrible as you think. Big deal. He’s just a guy who wants to get laid. Stop responding and even block him if you have to.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating The Crazy, Online Dating, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

The Best Dating Advice Women Will Ever Get Is…

October 25, 2012 by 17 Comments

I originally wrote this for YourTango a couple months ago. I’m going to add to it in order to answer some of the comments and feedback I’ve received since writing it. The feedback I received from men on this piece was universally positive. Not so much when it came to the ladies. Big surprise.

Ladies, I’m going to give you some of the best dating advice you’ll ever hear. Free.

Stop asking your girlfriends for dating advice. Wait. I’ll amend that.

Be very careful which of your female friends you turn to in times of romantic distress. The problem with most of said advice and reinforcements is that it’s rarely objective.  For example:

“You look GREAT!” – Thanks to social media, we have an endless supply of people who are happy to toss off this attaboy whenever we post a new Facebook photo. I can remember reading one such status update a few weeks ago. The woman had recently lost a fair amount of weight and, to her credit, it showed. The string of comments underneath her picture ranged from telling her how hot she was to how “skinny’ she was. As I perused the list of people commenting, I wasn’t surprised to see that there was nary a man in the bunch. The lesson for women here, when trying to determine what men find attractive,  is to pay close attention to both who is offering affirmation,  and who isn’t. You’ll rarely hear a woman say, “Sweetie, time for you to cut back on the booze. Your skin looks awful.” A man *will* say it…. in the form of a rejection, leaving the woman perplexed. EDITED TO ADD: No, dear. I am not saying that all her friends are lying to her and that she is  ugly and should latch on to whatever tubby drunk she can land. I’m saying that if you’re trying to meet someone, that their definition of attractive counts, too. Therefore, we shouldn’t tune out what men do and don’t say.

“You can do better.” – This statement is dangerous because it feeds the idea that we “deserve” a certain caliber of partner. It’s also misleading because, in many cases, water has sought its own level. Meaning the man our friend is dating is exactly what she prefers, consciously or unconsciously. Therefore, she possibly can’t do better. Due to all the self-flagellation that occurs when women get together, women sometimes develop an over-inflated or distorted perception of themselves. Also?  If it’s true that we can do better, we should always remember that he probably thinks he can, too. EDITED TO ADD: What our well intentioned (as opposed to the ones who are telling us what we want to hear) girlfriends mean by this statement is, “I never understood why you where with that jerkface in the first place.” They are questioning your judgment. The implication of this statement is, “What’s up with that?” If you think that you’re so incredible that few men can “handle” you or “deserve” you, and you keep meeting men who confirm that bias, you very well might be sabotaging yourself.

“Men are intimidated by you.” – This is probably the most egregiously inaccurate statement ever uttered by a female.  No, men are *not* intimidated by you. Women take this as a compliment, and it’s not. Women like to say this to each other because it implies that they (the women) are so scary intelligent, clever, successful, beautiful and witty that men immediately fear they aren’t good enough for them.  When a man says it, what he’s really saying is that men find that particular woman unlikeable in some way. He is not saying that men are threatened by the woman’s assertiveness or outspoken nature or success. That is a fallacy. Most men are not turned off by those things.  The ones that are, are men that these women wouldn’t want anyway, ergo who cares what they think? A woman should take a very long pause and do some personal inventory should a man ever tell her that men find her “intimidating.”EDITED TO ADD: Sorry, but if more than ONE guy says this to you, he’s telling you that something about you puts men off. If a man you’ve dated told you this, he’s nicely trying to say you were a pain in the ass.  If you’re dating men that are all a’threatened by how together you are, you have poor taste in men. See the previous point above and rectify that. Justifying this critique by bemoaning the lack of genuinely confident guys makes you sound defensive. I agree that there are some men threatened by a successful woman. But let’s stop perpetuating this myth that they make up the majority just so all us single gals can have something to bitch about over cocktails or on blogs.

“You should ask him out.” – Unless you genuinely believe that a man is too timid or shy or otherwise in the dark about your interest, you should wait for him to do the asking. The reason is simple: because men freely admit to arbitrarily raising and lowering their standards depending on the situation. Meaning that, if sex is offered, he’s likely to take it regardless of how attracted or interested he actually is. Since there isn’t the rampant slut shaming amongst men like there is women, men aren’t particularly concerned with being labeled “easy.”

“Never settle.” – The key to dating, if you ask me, is finding and embracing your audience. Thinking that your life will play out like the plot of She’s All That is counter-productive. Plus, let’s be honest. Rachel Leigh Cooke was already beautiful before they stuck glasses and overalls on her. If a woman sends out message after message through an online dating site and rarely to never hears back from those men, then she’s going for men with many options. She can either accept her place in his harem or, if she wants something committed and lasting, get really comfortable with the idea of settling. Or she could develop her own harem and enjoy herself and stop worrying what everybody thinks. Many women have bastardized the term “settling” to imply that it’s only done out of desperation. This just in…most people settle. They just convince themselves that they didn’t. EDITED TO ADD:  When I hear women talk about allll the opportunities they’ve had to settle down with someone but chose to remain single “because they’re worth it” I think one of two things: Liar, liar pants on fire or defense mechanism. Frankly, there really isn’t anything that gives me a bigger case of The Sads than listening to women rattle off all the opportunities they had that they chose to dismiss because they believe they bring something magical to the table that is so special and unique. Oh, you’re awesome and beautiful and smart? You’re right. You are different than all the other women out there! Eventually, no matter how a-MAH-zing you are, someone else comes along who is even more a-MAH-zing. Or just as a-mah-zing, but with less of an entitled attitude. Guess who the guys will choose?

This all brings me to my final point: choosing which female friends to look to for dating advice.

The friends who always manage to say, “Ugh. That’s like the time when Guy X…” should immediately be crossed off your list. Not only can’t they be objective, but they’ll make the situation about them, which is the opposite of supportive. You should also count out the women who have a negative impression of men or who stereotype them. Women who steadfastly insist that “all” men want is sex should be relegated to Dating Advice Siberia.  Lastly, avoid the women who emulate behavior that even men consider alarming and annoying when exhibited by men. That would include immaturity, combativeness, bragging and anger. These women have based their perceptions of men on a small segment of the male population. Whether these women will admit it or not, they actually find this kind of boorish behavior attractive. That should speak volumes about their perceptions and insight.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to ask that single female friend for advice. Women who like to use a woman’s single status as a reason why her opinion is invalid or wrong do so in an attempt to discredit her.  It’s shocking to me how many women see this as acceptable. To imply that a woman couldn’t possibly understand the intricacies of dating and relationship unless she has a man is probably one of the most sexist things women can say about other women.

Despite what many women will have you believe, a woman doesn’t need a ring on her finger to practice common sense and critical thinking.

In addition to this article, I’m going to post tips about dating advice in general.

Choose the right people to give you advice. people you know care for you.

Read it. Read it carefully. Listen to it. Don’t project. If your friend cares for you, they’re not trying to hurt you.

The gold in any bit of dating advice we get from our friends is in the sub-text. It’s not always going to be spelled out for you. Though that’s what I try to do. Your friends mean well, but sometimes they can’t be 100% objective because either they’re your friends and care about you or they’re jaded by their own experiences.

This advice can be summarized thusly:

Want to know what men find attractive or what men are thinking? Then listen to them carefully when they answer your questions. (Or don’t answer your questions.) Remember..sub-text is key. Men, for the most part, want to solve the problem. Just because they – or I – don’t tell you what you want to hear doesn’t mean we’re wrong or cynical or outdated.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Blogging, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Myths, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Dating The Crazy Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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