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In Dating, Does Water Truly Seek Its Own Level?

March 18, 2013 by 14 Comments

Name: Clarissa
Age: 25
City: boston
State: massachusetts
Comment: I have been in a relationship with this guy for 3 months. We were together before but we broke up. Now we decided to get back together and that our feelings are still there. We tell each other that we love each other and we check up on each other. But my only issue is that he is really needy. He always needs me to do something for him and it gets annoying.I don’t like when people are very needy especially when they have a job or the proper resources and they feel that you have to help them with everything. He is also very controlling and whenever I fuss he gets really mad and tells me to stop acting different. Which I’m not, I am just speaking my mind. Now he is really listening and trying more. but it won’t be long before he goes back to being the same way. He is always partying and at his friends house. And I can only see him on his time. Like if I go somewhere he has to know with who and where. Or he will just randomly pick a day to come over my house. I hate it. Every time I tell him I am about to leave or i start to pull away or call less he starts begging and saying sorry or saying how much he misses me. It’s like how many times can you say sorry. I’m starting to get tired of him. And even though I love him these things are pushing me to the edge. One day he called me out of nowhere and said babe where are you. I want to see you, and meet your family. I asked him if he was OK because he wasn’t into meeting my family for a short time in our relationship. After that day he has become very clingy. Two days after he was sad about something and I gave him advice and talked to him. And he wouldn’t let me go to sleep. He kept calling me saying he couldn’t go to sleep without talking to his babe. Then the next morning he just kept texting me all day and being loving. Which he does. No lie. And then after that day he went back to his old self. I feel like he is afraid of commitment. And he is backing off a little out of fear. But what do I know. What are your honest thoughts? Because I am on my last straw.and i really want to be with him but how more can you take.

You two are clearly incompatible. You have very different personalities and thresholds for certain behavior. So much so that I’m trying to figure out what you saw in each other in the first place.

I remember be at a happy hour with co-workers back when I worked a regular 9 to 5 job. One of the guys was saying how most people were average looking. Or as he referred to them, “a solid 5 or 6.” He pointed out a couple of women at the bar and assigned them a number on his sliding scale of hotness. Then he said, “My girlfriend is average. I’m a little above average.” There went my belief that every man found their girlfriend or wife beautiful. My stomach developed a knot thinking that, if he made such an obnoxious comment publicly, what the hell did he say privately. Or worse…to her face.

I had met his girlfriend a few times and did often wonder what the attraction was. As much as I hated to admit it, he was a very good looking – if arrogant -  guy. Lookswise he could have scored a woman who was more objectively “hot.” But the real confusion came to their personalities and lifestyles. They seemed like polar opposites in every possible way. The point that stuck out to me most is that he was so disciplined when it came to what he ate and working out and she was a little overweight and out of shape. She had actually expressed insecurity about her body another time we had been together socializing. I imagine it must have been difficult to be struggling with your own body image issues as your partner fastidiously stuck to a diet and work out regime. I toyed with the idea that he enjoyed passive aggressively torturing her with his fixation on his body. That’s something that has always puzzled me: how does someone so focused on their own fitness reconcile with being with someone who doesn’t share the same mind set? Could it be that there really was something psychological at work there? A type of gaslighting, perhaps?

It wasn’t until many, many years later as I reflected on that pairing did it start to make sense to me. I wondered if he preferred a woman who was non-threatening. Was his ego too fragile to endure having it challenged? Is that, like, a real thing? Was his relationship an example of water seeking its own level?

I think that sometimes attraction has nothing to do with the physical and everything to do with the mental. Subconsciously – or maybe in some cases even consciously – we seek out people who won’t intimidate us or make us feel inadequate. Or who make us feel needed. Or who make us feel superior. And so on.

My point, OP, is that even to the casual observer, your relationship doesn’t appear to be working. It seems the obvious answer is to break up. I would encourage you to ask yourself what you really found so attractive about this guy in the first place. Is it possible that his needy, weak behavior somehow compliments your domineering and, well, cold demeanor? Maybe you are with him because he’s someone who, because of his own limitations,  accepts you as is?

Just something to consider.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Break Ups, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Mental Health/Illness, Dating & Weight, Dating a Manipulator, Dating Advice

Why Did She Get More Attention From Men When She Was Overweight?

March 10, 2013 by 9 Comments

Name: Just Wondering
Comment: This is more for curiosity’s sake than anything else–why did I get more attention from men (online) when I was chubby?  A few years ago (in my early 20s) I was 50 pounds heavier and got FAR more responses from my online profile.  A serious 5 year relationship and a loss of 50 pounds later I’m back on and get next to no attention (I have chosen photos to post that I get compliments on, full body shot, etc. I do get more attention from men when I’m out in public than I used to, though).  Really I only seem to get contacted by guys looking for sex, which in and of itself is fine, but I am pretty clear about looking for a relationship in my profile.

It’s not like I’m losing sleep over this, I’m just curious.  Should I post a chubby pic on my profile to go along with the others now?
Age: 29
City: Edmonton
State: Alberta

Unfortunately, I just don’t trust people who say things like the “only” people who contact them are such and such looking for so and so, despite how “clear” they are about what they want.

I think we need some examples of how you’re “pretty clear” about wanting a relationship in your profile. If you’re making statements like, “Not looking to be a booty call!” or other such declarations, well, that’s why you’re hearing from so many men who “just want sex.” Remember what I said about keywords. People who cruise these sites looking for no strings sexual encounters are going to search for profiles that include words like casual, fwb, sex, nsa, no strings, etc. If you have any such words in your profile, take them out.

The people who genuinely are “just” looking it get laid aren’t even bothering to read your profile. They are spamming women with messages in the hopes something will stick. There is no way to stop hearing from these men. None. You have to build a tolerance for that.

I think reason you got more attention before is two fold. First, you were younger. Let’s face it, age can often trump extra weight/bad behavior…for awhile. Second, and this one is a little more unseemly, your weight made you a target. Guys thought you were more forgiving.

Again I’m going to refer to this post over at XOJane.

The author insists that, because she gets attention from men, that her body type/weight isn’t universally unattractive. The problem with that, as we’ve said before, is that attraction is often secondary when it comes to seeking sex.  Men and women both have the ability to get past the lack of intense physical desire if the goal is to get off. Basing your perception of yourself and your attractiveness upon insincere  attention you receive is where you can get into trouble. The otherspeed bump is ignoring the possibility that our weight/body type is more appealing to people of certain ethnicities other than the one we predominantly date. You can’t take that attention and assume that their race or cultural experience doesn’t play a part. The woman from this article is choosing to believe what she wants – including the feedback from her friends that her weight isn’t an issue – than accepting her reality.

No, you shouldn’t post a pic of yourself when you were heavier to your profile. People will assume that that is what you look like now. Not only that but, what’s the point? Why would you want to highlight the fact that you used to be 50 pounds heavier? We’d all need to see these older photos to better answer this question. Maybe you were posed in such a way that your extra weight wasn’t as obvious. I can’t trouble shoot a scenario like this without evidence or actual data. But then, that’s the point, I guess. I’m not sure you want an answer as much as you want an opinion/experience validated.

You seem bothered that you’re not getting the amount of responses you used to get. I understand. But I’d guess the majority of people who were emailing you before weren’t genuinely interested in you in the first place. If you want more emails, post a great shot of your cleavage. If you want to find something substantive that could possible turn into something, then except that a handful of messages a week is the standard.

People really need to accept the fact that, when it comes to online dating, we don’t have the amount of options that we think. Everybody is so thrown when nobody replies to their messages or they don’t get any emails. Hello? Is this thing on? That’s online dating for pretty much everybody. It’s a crap shoot, one that requires effort and patience and self-awareness. Forget those stories you’ve heard about all the people you know who have met online and gotten married. They are not the rule. They are exceptions to the rule. To meet them it’s going to take more than a handful of dates or a few months on a dating site. The only people trying to convince you otherwise are the online dating companies themselves along with dating coaches who are probably being compensated to promote these so-called “facts.” These sites and experts chirp about studies and research and then create pretty info-graphics and blast them out to bloggers and encourage us to post them. Trust me. I’d bet the majority of people these sites poll are not the people you’re trying to meet.

It would also serve the general dating population well to dispel themselves of the notion that they are somehow doing somebody a favor by overlooking certain “flaws.”  . No, you’re not meeting them out of curiosity. No, you’re not giving them the what for because you want to school them in etiquette. You’re pissed because you convinced yourself that that Mr./Ms.McDreamy was more into you than you were into them and it turned out they weren’t.

I am sorry to put it this way, but dating now requires that people have low expectations. If you want to be a grammar expert or spend your days sifting through profiles that make your heart beat faster, have at it.  You will undoubtedly find excellent reasons to stay single. The rest of us will be going out with people who don’t use semi-colons correctly or don’t look like our imaginary celebrity boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Weight, Dating 2.0, Dating is Fun, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Are City Singles More Attractive Than Suburb Singles?

February 28, 2013 by 51 Comments

Name: Chris
City: Nutley
State: NJ
Comment: Any ideas on how to meet single girls in the suburbs? I don’t meet anyone through my job and the people I meet in the different activities I try, like co-ed sports, are already in a relationship. Then the only ones who are interested in me on the dating websites are the overweight women – which is the exact opposite of me. I’m athletic and active. Also, I’m white, and it seems like women of other races are interested in me, but white women are not. I don’t get it.
Age: 35

 

My opinion is that, if you can’t find anybody online that you want to date, you’re probably not going to find them offline, either. When you use online dating you are literally surrounded by single, eligible people. If you go to a bar or a sports group or some other activity that isn’t singles related, you have no idea who is available. With online dating, you do. If you can’t manage to find or attract anybody to your liking when you’re online, there’s a disconnect. It all comes down to perception. If you go around thinking that there’s nobody out there to your liking, you probably won’t ever find them. So the first thing you need to do is change your attitude.

Then the only ones who are interested in me on the dating websites are the overweight women – which is the exact opposite of me.

When you say overweight, what exactly do you mean? Like, severely overweight or, like, 10 or 20 pounds overweight? Because if you’re one of those people who refuses to date someone even slightly overweight, you should really just stay home. You should also take a reality pill. Unless you are objectively hot, you don’t get to insist upon only dating women of a certain body type. If you can’t manage to meet or find anybody to you liking anywhere, you’re either too picky or not as attractive/engaging as you think. It’s that simple. Someone slightly over weight (to you) can still be quite healthy and fit. I’m a size 10. I probably weigh about 155-160 pounds. I do intervals/run 3-4 times a week and, for the most part, stick to a diet of 1400 calories a day. I’ve had doctors comment on my immune system, my heart and my lungs. I have great skin and hair. Someone not a size 4 or 6 can be fit and healthy. Some people just don’t have the genetic make up that allows them to be a smaller size. Please don’t say that women with some extra weight aren’t healthy and that’s why you won’t date them, as fitness is really important to you, because that’s crap. You want a thin woman. That’s fine. You’re allowed to have your type. Just don’t justify it with a bunch of BS.   Also? Based on your other admission about never hearing from white women, you just might be a tad ignorant. Preferring to date someone of a certain race is one thing. Expressing it as you did is another.  That is suburbanite simplicity at work. I’ve said this many times before, the City Single mentality is very different from the Suburb Single mentality. There is a simpleness to people that live in suburbs that people who live in cities simply can not jibe with.

The slender and in shape women you seek? They’re going for guys in Manhattan. And they’re getting them. They’re not looking for Suburb Guy. They want City Guy. I’m going to throw this little theory out there. I think City Singles are more attractive mentally and physically than Suburb Singles.  City Singles are more concerned with their looks because they are surrounded by other attractive people. Walking down the street in a major city is a constant reminder that there is always someone younger, richer and hotter. Hence why people in the city tend to pay more attention to the external. We are always being exposed to what else is out there and are starkly aware of who our competition is.

If meeting someone fit and active is important to you, then you have to create a dating profile that makes that clear. You need to discuss, without going over board, how you stay active and healthy. You should post pictures of you involved in activities or outdoors. You’re never going to be able to prevent people who aren’t your type from contacting you. You have to just accept that pretty much everybody online thinks they’re better looking than they are or are willing to throw a bunch of darts at a dartboard. That’s online dating. If you can invent a filter that will stop messages from people you don’t find attractive from hitting your inbox, email me. Until then, you just have to accept that online dating involves slogging through a lot of people that don’t interest you. There is no avoiding that.

I would not make any kind of statement in your profile about only wishing to meet women of a certain race or ethnicity. That makes you sound ignorant and possibly racist. Same goes for including a disclaimer in your profile that you only wish to hear from petite/slender/slim women. You’ll end up turning off a large majority of the people you wish to meet.

Chris, if you only wish to date slender women, my suggestion to you is to look towards Manhattan.I believe you are more likely to meet a slender, fit and active women in Manhattan than you will in Nutley, New Jersey. Go ahead. Flame me and call me an elitist. You’ll hardly be the first.

As for why so many women of color contact you, I’ll leave that up to women and men who fall in to that category to offer insights.

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Weight, Dating In a Big City, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Article Round Up: How Does Someone Determine How Attractive They Really Are?

February 24, 2013 by 43 Comments

I meant to write about this a couple of weeks ago. There was a great post on XOJane several days ago that focused on the sometimes awkward way men express their pleasure and dis-pleasure about a woman’s body. The essay reminded me of this comment left on my blog over the summer in response to the photo at left.

“I have to wonder why she is hiding her face in a glass of wine. insecure? Problem Drinker? Facially unattractive? From what I see, her forehead is about double the length of a normal female forehead, and so is her chin. Not sure if this is because of skeletal deformities or excess fat. Her eyelids are drooping somewhat, due to age or genes, but neck and hands look youthful if not a little plump.

Arms are way too chubby, and I can’t tell her true figure from the dress and the position she’s standing in, but I suspect her waist-hip ratio is about 0.8-0.9. I would assume she are wearing a lot of spanx to pull in her waist, based on her propensity to carry weight in her upper body. Breasts are too small in proportion to the rest of the body. They are also very far apart, which suggests a large ribcage and back.

Best features are the calves (beautiful), small hands and feet. Although, putting her small (chubby) hands near her face confirms that there is something disproportionate about the size of her head. I would need a picture of her in jeans and without an obscured face to give a better evaluation.

Since she has lost a lot of weight recently, and at the age I think she is (44-48?), her skin will not be so elastic. Although slender is the ideal, I would prefer a fatty who fills her skin than a chubb who is covered in loose skin around her stomach.

Curly hair? As long as its long, healthy and bouncy then I don’t care about the color or texture. The OP needs to grow her hair a little longer as I think her afro look does not suit her, since she is a ruddy-cheeked chubby woman.

If I saw this picture on a dating site, nothing would make me contact the OP, even if she was DTF in that nice apartment and willing to pay for my dinner, drinks and blow all night, then drive me home in the morning.” – Daniel

 

Then there was this a few weeks ago:

Moxie lost this argument. When she has no defense she brings up PH balance and says since I dont know this, I dont get close to a vagina. Maybe its hard for her to reach hers because her size 10 gut is in the way. More evidence she rarely gets close to a gym. – John

 

Not to be outdone in the “who can embarrass themselves more when dissecting women’s looks, men or women?” contest, here’s a woman’s opinions on my body and looks:

You aren’t a 6-7. you are a solid 3-4. Slightly less than average. You are an overweight, 45 year old chick who believes she is higher – you aren’t. sorry. I am not 100% wild about my prospects either, so I get it.Time to get with reality, fat chick who is also over the hill! (I am over the hill too though… :/) – Vox

Mind you, I’m not naive enough to think that if I post a photo of myself in a tight dress I’m not going to get commentary of all kinds, including negative feedback. Comments like Daniel’s and Vox’s are par for the course when you put yourself out there publicly. Men who say such things will want to take you down a peg, lest you get too big for your britches. Women who make such comments just want to hurt you so you don’t some how surpass them or succeed where they failed. Both just want to put a woman “in her place” and subdue her.

The bigger issue, to me, is whether or not people should allow the opinions of others to dictate how they feel about their own bodies. Are we capable of ever really seeing ourselves objectively?

Here’s an interesting excerpt from a great Frisky article I read this morning.

I stayed in bed almost until I left. Why did I spent the rest of the night with one partner? Well, my paddling friend was absolutely rapturous about my ass. I have an otherwise slender frame with large, pear-shaped hips/ass and weight gain tends to show just on my stomach. Even though I love my curves on my boobs and butt, I’m less enthused about my belly.  But he didn’t see that: he just saw curves, curves, curves everywhere and made me feel like I have an amazing body.  He couldn’t keep his hands off my ass and hips — and I lapped up the attention. In my normal  day-to-day life, I have mean Internet commenters telling me a couple times a week that I’m fat or unattractive. Those are the poison darts stuck inside my brain. I don’t walk around thinking, I have a great ass. I walk around thinking, Who’ll be able to see past by belly?

While I found the story itself intriguing, what I took away from it was how the reactions and responses from other people seemed to shape how the author felt about her own body and attractiveness. Like I said above, there are always going to be people who voice their opinions if you put certain things out there. Whether you’re naked in the emotional sense on the internet or naked in the physical sense at an orgy, there can be this overwhelming sense of vulnerability involved. Having a tenuous grasp on how you feel about your own body can be dangerous in either situation.

There is also the risk that someone might place too much importance on or give unwarranted credibility to feedback that comes from people who want to wound or seduce you. As I’ve said before, I find most compliments and critiques from strangers to be strategic or disingenuous. That’s only because I think I have an accurate and objective view of my attractiveness and know my audience. I don’t seek out opportunities to have my self-esteem brutalized by a stranger. I also don’t listen to the comments of randos on Facebook or the internet or OKCupid.

None of that is real. Not the positive. Not the negative.

It seems the question is: how does a person determine how attractive they really are?

Does it come from within?

What sort of feedback and reactions are genuine?

How much do the opinions of others matter?

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Dating & Weight Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Is Her Weight Preventing Her From Getting More Dates?

December 19, 2012 by 47 Comments

Name: Kelly
Age: 45
State: DC
Question: I am a thick girl (size 14). I know it.I know it’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t particularly like it myself, but that’s my own issue to work on.

In my OKCupid profile, I have posted one face shot and 2 full body shots so that guys can get an idea of what they’re getting into. In the body type section of my profile, it reads, “A little extra.”  I’m really trying to avoid any feelings of deception or bait and switch that I’ve so often heard reported from guys.

I get a fair amount of emails from men on the site. The last one I went out with seemed a good match, and we had a good email exchange before he asked me out. On the day we were to go out, I was reviewing his profile and noticed in his questions and answers some response that indicated that (over)weight would be an issue or deal breaker for him. Ugh. I almost wanted to call off the date then. But I went ahead with it, trying to be optimistic. I felt it went well, we extended just drinks into a comedy show afterwards, but I never heard from the guy again. Can’t say I was surprised. I realize that there could be some self-fulfilling/defeating prophecy in play, since I don’t like me being fat either, so there’s self-esteem issues at play. But it’s probably more likely he doesn’t like fatties (hey, at least I’m not in denial).

Since then, every time I’ve gotten an email, I go read the man’s Q&A to see if he’s answered something related to a woman’s weight. And almost every time, he has indicated that he’s not interested in someone overweight and it’s a deal breaker.

So why are they contacting me? It could be I’m not as large as they consider to be “too big.” Maybe they didn’t really read my profile or look at all my pics and just thought I had a cute face so they wrote. Maybe they think I’m desperate, ergo an easy lay.

What should I do with these emails? Should I ignore them completely? Should I respond and point out that we are likely not compatible?  Or respond as if I didn’t see what I saw and meet if/when they suggest it?

It could be I’m not as large as they consider to be “too big.”

Bingo. Surprising, right? That’s the problem with answering too may of those OKC questions. People can misinterpret your answers. Many people tend to project their insecurities on to others.

I did the same thing you did when reviewing profiles of men. I used to looked at their questions to see how they answered the questions about weight.  Also like you, I was hesitant to contact them or meet up with them. But if these men are emailing you, and you have full body shots, and you list your body type as “a little extra” then the majority of these men like your body. Side note: change that body type to Average pronto. Size 14 is average. You are not obligated to throw yourself under the bus for these random dudes. You’re way too self-aware in this regard. Okay, we get it. You’re not a size 6. You’re not a criminal or hiding some dark past.No, you shouldn’t point out to a man that you fear you and he aren’t compatible. Most men don’t appreciate being told how they feel or think. Plus that will just make you seem insecure.

Don’t assume that that guy didn’t want to see you again because of your body. The one and done date is a staple of online dating. Just like women who like to craft “how to” tutorials on why their relationship works based on isolated experiences that prove nothing, you’re trying to rationalize why these men aren’t asking you out again. You’re making illogical leaps based on no concrete data other than a tape you choose to play over and over in your head.

Trust me. They looked at your photos. Yes, it could be that these men prefer women with a little more junk in the trunk.  That doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t date them. There are blonde fetishists, red head fetishists…all kinds. Some men like women really thin. Some men like women with a little extra. Don’t automatically go to that place in your head where you wonder if you’re being duped in some way. You’re the one labeling yourself  a “fattie.” That right there speaks to how you see yourself. Don’t take it upon yourself to decide why these men are responding or how they will react. That’s not your job. Could some of these men be looking to use you? Yep. But you’re never going to learn the difference between them and guys who aren’t unless you meet and interact with them.

So why are they contacting me?

Got big boobs and an ample ass? There’s a guy for that. Trust me. Size 14 isn’t as big as you think. Would it be easier if you were thinner? Yes. If you want to work on it, then do it. Don’t just talk about it. But do it for you, not for male approval.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Weight, Dating 2.0, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

She’s Afraid To Get Naked

December 18, 2012 by 45 Comments

Name: Anna
Age: 27
Question: I need help and I am not sure if anyone else has this kind of problem. I recently lost 65 pounds, and everyone tells me I look great. I have met people in person and through OKC and all is well until they find out my little secret – that I carry the skin of my former fat self wherever I go. I hide flabby skin on my arms and stomach underneath cute clothes and attempt to lead a normal life! I love fashion and wearing whatever I want has never been more fun. To guys, i look like just another pretty girl. BUT, Getting intimate is tough because my body has been through a battle.
And it isn’t pretty.

I met with a plastic surgeon who said all of the skin would have to be cut off which would leave huge knotty scars down my arms and across my stomach… Plus it would be outrageously expensive. No matter how much I work out, this skin will never go away or tone up- it’s beyond that point (according to the docs).

How will I ever get anyone to love the new me if I can’t escape my old fat suit? Do i warn guys? It is not right to lead them on, right? Please help me!!!!

 

A few years ago, I remember reading a post written by a spectacularly douchey guy whining about how a woman he had met online, that he traveled a few hours to meet, turned out to have extra skin due to a recent weight loss related surgical procedure. He was oh so offended that the woman “made” him drive all this way only to end up “having breasts like pillow cases. He had sex with her anyway, of course. But he made sure to run to his blog like a 16 year old girl and bitch about this massive deception. He wouldn’t explicitly tell anybody in the blog post what had transpired. Instead, he did what most flaming attention whores do and suggested people write him individually to hear the full story in all its gory detail.

I share this little tale because, sadly, people like this actually exist. Telling Anna that the right guy won’t mind and will love her for who she is would be as damaging as the blog post that guy wrote. PS? The girl he was discussing knew about his blog and could read his cruel and self-absorbed words. Talk about wanting maximum impact. Anna is right that some men will be angry that she never revealed her not at all uncommon situation. They will feel duped. But what they’ll really feel is shame. That male blogger was so full of self-hatred for sleeping with this woman that he projected all of it onto her. People do this. It doesn’t stop after high school they way we’ve been led to believe.

Anna, get the surgery. The money spent will be worth it. Do it over time if that’s the only way you can afford it. Ask your parents for a loan. I bet if your parents have the money, or even if they don’t, they’ll do whatever they can to help you through this.  You should also talk to a therapist to help you come to terms with the “new you.” You’ve been through a major physical and psychological transformation. Anyone in such a position should seek counseling to help them with the transition. Take a proactive role in solving this. That’s going to help alleviate some of your psychological discomfort. But before you do that, you have to let go of the shame you carry with you. If you can do that successfully, you may not even need the surgery because you’ll have accepted yourself as is. Whether you get the procedure or not, this step is crucial. We all have secrets and things we’re ashamed of that keep us stuck. Some of us carry these scars externally, some carry them internally. But we have them. There really is nothing more detrimental to successfully forming emotional/physical connections than shame. It weighs you down and keeps you in the constant state of fear and anxiety. What if they find out? What if they judge me? What if they learn I’m a mess?

I can’t concisely express how liberating it is to get to a place in your life where you don’t give a shit what people think about you. Okay, so you were overweight. So what? Lots of people are overweight. You did something about it. That’s an accomplishment for which you should be proud. The extra skin you carry can be removed. It’s not permanent. The scars can be treated. And even if they’re still visible, I’ll bet any amount of money that you will be far more aware of them than others who see you naked.

As for how to handle things in the interim, just explain to men – before things get physical – that you recently lost a lot of weight. You don’t have to paint a graphic picture. Just let them know what to expect when they see you undressed. Do I think that disclosure is a must? Yes, because those men deserve the option of deciding if that’s something they wish to deal with or not. Truth? Not every man will accept it. That’s why you need to choose your partners wisely. If a man seems particularly shallow, then he’s probably not someone you should let in on your little secret. Emotional scars take much longer to heal than physical ones.  I can state with confidence that many guys have already dealt with this in some way or another. In fact, I think this is more common than you think. Even men suffer from it.

When my Ex, J, and I started dating last fall, he took forever getting all his clothes off the first time we slept together. It was clear that there was something he was trying to obstruct from my view. I didn’t push the issue.  One morning, about 2 weeks after we started dating, he was in the bathroom shaving. I knocked and asked to pop in because I needed to brush my teeth. He had just gotten out of the shower and didn’t have his shirt on. He let me in and,for the first time, I saw his bare back under the light. He had a series of bumps and scars all over his back. He explained that he had begun taking prescribed medication about a month before we had met and had had a serious allergic reaction to it. Obviously, he was self-conscious about it. Was it jarring to see at first? Yes. But pretty soon I stopped seeing it. It didn’t make me want him any less, or hug him any less close when we’d sleep, or not want to scratch his back as we lay on his couch watching TV. If anything, the revelation made me feel closer to him.

It’s hard to open ourselves up like that. But when we do we usually learn that the thing we were so ashamed of, to other people, really aren’t that big of a deal. We just build them up in our heads for so long that they seem that way.

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Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Dating, Dating & Weight Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Online Date When You’re Overweight?

October 7, 2012 by 46 Comments

Name: Dori
Age: 41
State: MA
Question: Dear Moxie,

Couple weeks before you posted ‘My inner fat girl’ in May 2012 I made a profile on OKC. I described myself as ‘curvy’. At that time I was 5’3′, 180 lb. My profile generated some responses, but not the ones you (or even I) would describe as high quality.  After about a month I got frustrated, deleted my profile and started working on weight loss.

So as I am getting thinner and planning a triumphant return, here is the question. OKC gives the following options for body types:

Thin
Overweight
Skinny
Average
Fit
Athletic
Jacked
A little extra
Curvy
Full-Figured
Used-up

Describing oneself as Overweight/A little extra/Full Figured seems to indicate self-deprecation/low self-esteem, i.e. I would be shooting myself in the foot. I like ‘curvy’ (I have DDD bra size), but is it true that ‘curvy’ is just a euphemism for obese? At which weight (BMI? Waist to Hip ratio?) can a woman honestly describe herself as ‘average’? Would you consider commenting on the body types definitions and deciphering the OKC-speak?

Thank you,
D

 

I don’t think describing oneself as overweight, full figured, etc is a sign of low self-esteem. It’s a sign of self-awareness. How other people perceive that admission isn’t about you. That’s about them. As for whether or not I would actually select that body type option, the answer is no. Select average. That way you’ll come up in more searches. If you post accurate and recent photos of yourself, then you won’t be misrepresenting yourself too egregiously. Guys will see what they’re getting.

Yes, “curvy” is just a nice way of saying overweight. It’s unfortunate that that’s how most people, even many women, interpret that. But they do. Select Curvy as your body type and the majority of people who will view your profile will be the fetishists and chubby chasers. Which isn’t necessarily bad as long as you understand that those people are attracted to you because of your weight/size and not in spite of it.

Hip to waist ratio is irrelevant when it comes to online dating. No reasonable, well adjusted man is going to look at your photo and do some sort of math in his head trying to determine that. Thankfully, the other 98% of men on those sites doesn’t give a shit what your BMI or waist to hip ratio is as long as you look reasonably healthy and attractive to them. Being overweight, you’re not going to be everybody’s cup of tea. Accept that first before diving head first into the OK Cupid waters.

As we said in a recent post, online dating isn’t about 100% honesty. (Hell, dating isn’t about 100% honesty, 100% of the time.) It’s about getting the interview. Of course, you don’t want to say you went to Harvard when you really attended Small Town State University and that you had a 4.0 instead of a 3.4, There’s an acceptable fudging curve. You can’t say you’re “Fit” and then post up to date pics of yourself where you’re clearly a good 30+ pounds overweight. You very well might be quite healthy. But to the majority of people looking at your profile, you’ll look delusional. Selecting average is safe. It will get you enough profile views to make a difference. Learn how to figure out which guys are genuine and which ones are just hitting you up because they’re desperate, though.

I’m not being cynical when I explain that dating online when you’re a bigger girl is fraught with landmines. If you know your audience, you’ll manage to avoid a lot of the frustration and embarrassment that many plus sized women experience due to online dating. Many of the dating bloggers out there who have wacky story after wacky story of bad first dates wherein guys mysteriously ditch them, hook up with them and never call again, refuse to pay the bill or make crude and obnoxious comments are also chubby. That’s not a coincidence.

As for the body type breakdown, I’ll give it a shot.

Thin – To me, this means healthy and slender.
Overweight – For me this means excess weight in the belly area.
Skinny – My interpretation of this is that the person is unhealthy in some way. Skin and bones and little else. Gaunt.
Average – This could be assigned to just about anybody who doesn’t too chubby or flabby up to and including people who could stand to lose 20 pounds or so. It also means – to me – that they don’t work out or aren’t very healthy/fitness conscious.
Fit – Self-explanatory, I think. Evenly proportioned and mostly toned.  This descriptor says, “I work out regularly and am health conscious.”
Athletic – See above but add some thickness. Thick legs, big arms, etc.
Jacked- Gym rat. The guy with the muscle tees who groan when they lift.
A little extra – Self-explanatory. The person is carrying around slight but noticeable amount of extra weight.
Curvy -Curvy has been taken over by the plus sized gals. The woman on the far right of the photo above, to me, is curvy. Curvy used to mean hourglass shaped with a larger breast, thin waist and ample but not out of proportion with the rest of your body hips. Now it’s a label used by plus sized to obese women.
Full-Figured -  Overweight with no noticeable waist line.
Used-up – I don’t think anybody uses this, nor do I think it has a definition.

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Weight, First Impressions, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Should He Tell His Girlfriend She’s Gained Weight?

September 13, 2012 by 40 Comments

Name: Paul
Age: 36
State: NYC
Question :I admit to being someone who is not attracted to “chunky” women. Since women are sensitive about this, how should a man let his girlfriend know that she’s gained weight? I’ve been with V. for 2 years. When we met she was 31, in great shape, very health conscious, working out multiple times a week. We moved in together at the beginning of this year. In that time she has gone from fastidiously working out to making it to the gym twice a week at best. I’ve met her parents and her Mom is quite overweight and not even 60 yet. Before I take this relationship to the next level I want to be sure that that won’t be her – and my – fate.

 

Well, first you have to find out why she’s gained weight. Is she suffering from any health or medical problems? That should be your first concern. She could have a thyroid issue or PCOS, two conditions known for causing weight gain. If you haven’t noticed her being sluggish or heard her complaining of any kind of pain or health concerns, then it might not be a medical issue. It’s quite possible that she has a certain health issue that she hasn’t told you about. A change in medications can certainly cause a noticeable weight gain. Though, for the record, I don’t necessarily buy that meds are the only problem in those cases. It’s a nice excuse that many people hide behind. Sometimes it solely due to medications. But not always. usually it’s a combination of the medical issue and horrible dieting choices. Having a medical issue is a great excuse people can use to convince themselves that it’s OK to stuff their face with a bag of candy.

Next item to cross off the list is psychological issues. Is she depressed? Has she been stressed?If her demeanor is the same, then there probably aren’t any issues there.

Which leaves the tried and true “I gots my man, I don’t have to try anymore” excuse. She has you now, so maybe she doesn’t feel she has to try anymore. Adorable. Stupid and naive, but adorable.

Letting yourself go is one surefire way to lose your partner. Single men and women have the same concern. It shocks me to see some people my age and how unhealthy they look. Not just unhealthy but unkempt. I was at a party last month with a friend and we were shocked to see women my age and older walking in to the party wearing knee length denim skirts and tank tops and flimsy flip flops. Their saggy boobs jiggled underneath their tops, their hair was unstyled. Then there were the men in their forties who walked around in tight jeans and sleeveless shirts, their thinning hair combed over to one side. What really shocked me was seeing the skin on all these people. Folks, if there is one thing you should pay most attention to after your weight it’s your complexion/skin. It speaks volumes about your lifestyle choices. If you drink a lot, it shows. If you eat poorly, it shows. If you don’t sleep much, it shows.

Guys, if you’re one of those men who likes to crack on chubby or overweight women, especially on the internet, you better pray that you look good enough to do so. Same goes for the women who bitch about men with beer bellies.  Unless you’re hitting the gym regularly and eating well and taking good care of your skin and bones, you need to keep your yaps shut. Also, ladies, stop deluding yourself that you don’t have wrinkles and look ten years younger. Also please cease with the, “I get hit on by younger guys ALL. THE. TIME!” All that means is that they think you’re old and easy. Stop embarrassing yourselves with that. Nothing is more unattractive to me than when a man says, “I’m 45 but look and act/feel younger!” Hate to break it to you, Benjamin Buttons, but we all age. Yes, you have wrinkles. Start embracing your age instead of being ashamed of it.

Time to step it up, ladies and gentleman. Forget about attraction. Your life depends on it. Your body doesn’t stay healthy on its own.

The reality is that we – men and women – need to do whatever we can not to give people reason to pass us over. Overweight and not having success? Lose it. Drink too much? Cut back. Work too much? Fix that.  Don’t be insecure and annoying. Don’t be unpleasant. Don’t put a unsightly tattoo on your face. Don’t add. Subtract.

Okay. Back to the OP. Paul, if your girlfriend’s weight is an issue, one that could prevent you from being attractive to her, you need to address that with her. And, no, not with hints. Hints don’t work. But like I said above, you better be bringing the same amount of concern and dedication to the table if you want that talk to go well. You don’t need to tell your GF that you’re afraid you’ll no longer be attracted to her. You should frame it as though you are concerned for her health. Which you are. I assure you she will go to the ‘you still think I’m pretty, right?” place first, giving you an opportunity to say that you feel she could and has looked better.If that doesn’t light a fire under her butt, nothing will.

You don’t have to feel bad about this, either. Nobody should ever assume that it’s okay to let themselves go at the expense of their partner’s needs. Keeping yourself looking good, besides just being good for your emotional and physical health,  is how men and women demonstrate to their partners that they care and show self-esteem.

Now, if she does nothing to change? Well, my advice is to leave. If she’s not going to at least try to get back in shape, she’s telling you that your needs don’t matter. She’ll give you the excuse that your supposed to love her for who she is, blahblahblah. That’s another sweetened up lie that Mommy’s tell their daughters. No. Men and women want to be with people they want to have sex with. She’s not 60 years old. She’s, what, 33? Please. Barring medical/psychological issues, she should be able to take off 15-20 pounds in just a few months. Whether or not she can depends on how badly she wants to keep the relationship.

Listen, nobody said relationships were easy or held guarantees.

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Weight, Dating Advice, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Dating Skills, Entitlement, Sex, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Great Dating Advice or Just A Way To Get Dumped?

August 28, 2012 by 25 Comments

A friend just sent me this article this afternoon. The funny thing is that I actually have seen the OKC dating profile of the guy who wrote this. He admits that he’s a writer for Match.com. I went to find it today so I could talk to him about this piece, but his profile is down. Womp Womp.

Anywhoo, the advice in it is fine. Unfortunately, the problem isn’t the advice but how many women will interpret it.

1. He loves that you indulge at dinnertime. Yes, he likes that you aren’t a vegan or calorie/carb nazi. But let’s not assume this means that he thinks it’s oh so sexy to indulge frequently. Not sure many guys want a woman who eats melted cheese off a plate and then polishes that off with banana pancakes. We’ve spoken about the weight issue before. The more prominent issue for men and women when it comes to dating someone overweight isn’t just the aesthetics. That’s a factor, of course. Few people will admit that they don’t want to date someone overweight because it makes them sound shallow. The real concern is the health and self-esteem of the person. An extra 10-20 pounds on someone who eats well and regularly exercise is a lot more tolerable than if the person sits on the internet all day and shovels ice cream, burgers and beer down their gullet at every opportunity.

2. He loves your occasional outbursts.“Hearing a woman use profanity out of context gives a guy a shock of adrenaline,” explains Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of Be Honest — You’re Not That Into Him Either and DSI: Date Scene Investigation. “Men like women who can be tough and assertive, and as long as she doesn’t take the talk too far, it’s a positive thing.” Ok. But can we talk about what “taking it too far” means? Because I’m pretty sure what many women will take from reading this part is “he loves it when you rant and curse.” Yes, many men like to see their woman get worked up. Just..not at them. Important disclaimer. Not at them. They also aren’t so much turned on by a woman who “puts someone in their place” [read: threatens to kick someone in the balls] as they are, well, scared. It’s all in the delivery. A woman can be downright terrifying without ever having to raise her voice or curse. See Devil Wears Prada and watch Streep’s performance in that film. She doesn’t yell, screech or even curse. Her tone is even and calm and she looks people right in the eyes when she eviscerates them. Chilling.

3. He loves that you aren’t a neat freak. “Guys love a woman who’s not trying too hard,” explains Dr. Kerner. “Most men think a pair of boxer shorts and a ratty old T-shirt around the house is your most attractive look.” So don’t spend hours choosing the perfect date-night outfit or getting your place in House Beautiful-worthy shape, because men love you just as you are — in your comfortable, slightly sloppy glory.” No, seriously…where’s the camera?  Yes, guys like a woman who isn’t always polished and primped 24/7. And every once in a while she looks adorable in his t-shirt and boxers. But not all the time. This piece pretty much tells women to stop trying to impress her guy. And if there’s one thing men really dislike, it’s coming home to a living room or kitchen that looks like a tornado just blew through it. Bottom line? Men like women to make some effort. It shows they appreciate their man and want to keep him interested. I found the comment about the over-abundance of hair products amusing, as I’ve had guys comment on the number of hair products that crowd my bathroom shelves and usually fall on the floor when they reach for the mouthwash. What a lot of men wonder when they see all this stuff is..”So, um, this isn’t natural? This takes a lot of ..um..effort, huh?” It’s not a fireable offense or anything. It just takes away some of the mystery.

4. He loves your extra padding.Sure, you’ve heard that men love women with curves, but how about those extra pounds you’ve been trying to sweat off at the gym? There’s a good chance that your guy loves them, too. Just ask 26-year-old Nick: “My girlfriend exercises regularly, but I think the little pudginess in her thighs is sexy because it shows she’s not perfect.” Uh huh. Like I said. The extra weight is more tolerable if you’re actively and noticeably taking care of yourself. Something tells me ‘ol Nick wouldn’t be so enamored of his GF’s pudgy thighs if she sat on the couch all day. And let’s define ‘hour glass figure” since the articles states that men are most attracted to women with such a body type. Studies show that men are drawn to women with a healthy waist to hip ratio. Hourglass figure is not defined simply by having boobs, a waist and hips. If your hips spread wider than your shoulders, that’s not an hourglass figure. That’s disproportionate. Possibly even greatly overweight.

5. He’s fascinated by your knowledge of the things you’re passionate about. A man becomes fascinated by whatever it is that gets you all hot and bothered — regardless of whether or not he shares the same interests. Now this I agree with.I get turned on listening to a man talk about something that gets him pumped. His confidence and his passion are highly arousing. I would assume the same goes for men. But maybe that’s my vajajay talking.

6. He loves a good head rub from you. Don’t get me wrong — men love it when you grope their erogenous zones. But that’s not the only type of touch they crave. I agree with this part, too. Not sure the head rub is the way to get him turned on. But, hey, different strokes for different folks. Back, shoulders, face…guys do like to be touched just as much as women do. They like to feel desired in the same ways women do, and one way to communicate that is through touch.

I think most dating advice geared towards women is written in this tone. The author never wants to alienate their audience. Especially a dude. I have always said that men write stuff like for one of two reasons – a paycheck or to get laid. Pieces like this blatantly pander to women’s insecurities and egos for a reason. Unfortunately most women don’t understand that.

The gold in most dating advice is in the subtext. That’s how most dating advice is delivered. The real advice is in the underlying message and implication, not in what you’re actually being told.

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Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Article Roundup, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating & Weight, Dating Advice, Understanding Men, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Is He Too Embarrassed to Have Sex With Her?

June 6, 2012 by 28 Comments

Name: Anonymous
Age: 43
State: Alaska
Website:
Question: I met someone on Match.com a little over a month ago, and we have gone on six or seven flawless dates. He seems to be a great match – smart, funny, self-sufficient, well-rounded, etc.  The only issue so far is that other than a quick kiss and a warm hug at the end of the night, he hasn’t initiated any physical affection whatsoever.  I have a history of becoming physical too quickly, so I was letting him take the lead, but I’m beginning to wonder what’s up.  Last night I asked if I could snuggle up to him when we were watching a movie, and he agreed, but didn’t put his arm around me, etc.  Just sat watching and enjoying the movie.  My friends think perhaps he has ED, or maybe he’s ashamed of his size (he’s overweight).  I’m not sure what to do…Make the moves on him? Talk to him about it?  Let it just play out? It’s only been a month, after all.  I really like this guy, and it’s clear he really likes me too.  Any thoughts would be welcome!

 

I think the only thing you can do is try to start a conversation. I do agree that both his weight and possible ED play a part. That’s part of the reality of dating men in their forties and older.  Everything isn’t as automatic anymore. And, yes, men have body issues, too.

I think the conversation should begin with you expressing a need for affection first. Then work up to the sex. It could be that he’s just not terribly affectionate. Whatever it is that is holding him back , you have a right to know. Sitting there and waiting for it to play out seems like a waste of your time. If he shuts down, then you need to decide what your personal tolerance level is for something like this.

This poses an interesting question, though.

Could you go without much sex in your relationship as long as there is a continuous supply of physical affection? Conversely, could you deal with a relationship where you have an active sex life, but little to no physical affection beyond sex?

 

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