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Is Your Love Life Like An After School Special?

December 9, 2012 by 31 Comments

Name: Elle
Question: I have a situation with a man (I’ll call him the “busy guy”) that I met in August. We had about 4-5 dates before things got “rocky” to say the least. He was on summer recess from college when we met and he also works full-time. He told me everything up front, including how he’s just getting out of a nasty relationship with his ex who cheated on him, got pregnant by the other guy, and unexpectedly abandoned him for the other guy…Come to think of it the busy guy is carrying a lot of emotional baggage and doesn’t seem to be over a lot of women he’s dated in the past…

Anyway he told me up front that things would become really hectic for him once school starts back in September and that he’s not looking for a serious relationship right now…He even told me to date other men…

I was crushed by that since I really liked him…Plus I thought that we were starting to get serious given all the futuristic talks we had about marriage, how to raise our children, etc….He showed me his family album of pictures and told me so much about his family that I feel like I’ve known them all my life. We even discussed having unprotected sex with each other (after we both got tested together of course).

But I did respect his wishes and continued to date him and other men. A few weeks ago I was on a date with another man and we attended at party. This “busy guy” was also there which was strange because he never parties in Manhattan and he doesn’t know where to go in the City (I usually tell him where all the hot spots are). I couldn’t help but think that he was following my Foursquare check-ins on Facebook and decided to show up at that party…

I was standing on the dance floor holding hands with my new date and the busy guy walked up and literally snatched me away from my date and gave me the biggest bear hug ever. I really didn’t know what to do so I gave busy guy a hug back then pulled away from him so we could have a quick conversation. Instead, busy guy pulled me closer towards his body and started rubbing my waist and back and admiring my body. All this happened in front of my new date who just stood there dumbfounded.

We chatted for awhile then busy guy left and said he’ll be back later to dance with me…But later never happened because my date whisked me upstairs to the VIP area and wouldn’t let me come near busy guy for the rest of the night.

Meanwhile, busy guy texted me and asked me where I’m at so he could dance with me. I could see that he was looking all over for me. Finally busy guy looked upstairs and saw me dancing with my date. We were standing on the balcony overlooking the downstairs dance floor where busy guy was standing looking enraged and heartbroken. Busy guy stood there in the middle of the dance floor for at least a half hour just starring at me and my date dancing!

Later that night I texted busy guy and told him I was in upstairs VIP and asked where was he at but all busy guy did was reply back “Yeah I saw you up there…”

A week later I texted busy guy again just to say hi and to tell him that I missed him but he never texted back. He usually texts back within a couple hours.

I really like busy guy but I think he’s angry with me because he saw me out on a date with another man, which is crazy because he told me to date other men in the first place! I haven’t heard from busy guy in 3 weeks now…But busy guy hasn’t deleted me from his Facebook page yet so maybe he’s just “busy”.

What should I do or say to get busy guy to talk to me again? Or should I just let him go?
Age: 35
State: NY

 

You have futuristic talks with Busy Guy? Like, about how robots were eventually going to run the world and stuff?

I’m sorry to open with snark, but this story is all kinds of ridiculous and melodramatic. Put a boom box in Busy Boy’s hands while he stood in the middle of the dance floor watching you on that balcony and it would be like a mash up of Say Anything and She’s All That.

Elle, the guy doesn’t want you. He told you as much. Now you’re creating a storyline in your head of how this guy just couldn’t let you go and was following you around the city with his heart in his hands. Unless you were staring back at him for those 30 minutes, too, you have no idea what he was doing. Sure, maybe he glanced up at you a few times. But stood their watching you for half an hour? Monitors your Four Square check in? (Ok. I’ll give you that one because I actually had that happen to me once.) You need to stop watching so much TV.

You were on a date with someone else and completely disrespected that guy while you played out some After School Special in your head. You know why he didn’t respond to your texts? He’s not interested. But rather than pay attention to all the warning signs that this guy is hand delivering to you, you’ve decided to pursue him anyway. Not sure that anything I say here will resonate with you. Personally, I’d let this guy go.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Beware, Dating, Dating The Crazy, Deaing With an Ex

What Do You Do When An Ex Publicly Calls You Out?

December 6, 2012 by 43 Comments

Question: What’s your advice to a man who was recently blasted on OK Cupid and Twitter (by username) by a woman he dated a few times? I met A. through OKC. She mentioned in her profile that she wrote for a website/blog. My curiosity got the better of me and I asked for the link. From there I found her Twitter and followed her. After a couple dates I got the feeling we wouldn’t be a good mix. I ended things after the 4th date. Looking back I should have followed my initial instincts and ended things before they went too far. We had sex on the third and fourth date. After that I told her I didn’t think things would work out. I thought I’d wait awhile before unfollowing her. The day after I “broke up” with her she updated her OKC profile and said she was off the market for a bit because of being humiliated by me. The same day she posted a link to my OKC profile on her Twitter feed telling everybody what an ass I was. This all happened two weeks ago and she’s still saying things. Should I contact her and try to smooth things over? – G., 33 – Facebook

 

Do not contact her. It’ll just give her more to bitch and complain about. Trust me. I know of what I speak on this matter. Any attempt to offer an olive branch will seem phony at this point.

I’m not sure how you found out that she said anything. Did someone alert you to this fact? Or were you creeping her pages just to be sure she wasn’t bad mouthing you? If it’s the latter, then stop that pronto. If she bad mouths you, she bad mouths you. As long as she’s not naming you by name, then who gives a shit? Disable your OK Cupid profile and start a new one. There. Problem solved. Could she find it and continue to bad mouth you? Yes. Again, who gives a shit? Just by outing you she looks psychotic and anybody who would listen to her isn’t worth your time. Just stop caring about this. If she finds out that you’re watching her, I guarantee you she will keep it up. I am absolutely guilty of this. When I found out that someone I was involved with was creeping all my social media, I made it a point to say things on Twitter (and only Twitter) that he could construe were about him. Petty? Counter-productive? Yes and Yes. Bite me. It felt great. I never used specifics or linked to anything, nor did I make it a daily or even weekly habit. The only reason he knew what I was saying was because he was watching. (I had changed all the URLs/usernames to my social media profiles because of him. The only way he would have been able to find the new pages was if he either a) made a point to find the new address or b) been following me under a fake profile all along. See how that works?) He eventually wrote me and warned me that his gf’s ex-cop uncle was monitoring my online activity across various sites. That’s why, OP, you shouldn’t say anything. You’ll be outing yourself as reading her stuff and end up looking stalkery (and flat out pathetic) yourself.

A few tips for venting about an ex publicly:

1. Never use specifics of any kind - You can’t be reckless in this day and age. No, you’re not being careful if you only reveal their unique first name. You’re doing it intentionally to make them look bad, and that makes you an asshole with impulse control issues. Be careful not to reveal anything that will lead people right to your subject. Remember this: the enemy of my enemy is my friend. If you’ve got skeletons of your own, you can be sure they’ll tumble out of that closet right quick.

2. Never use criticism to smoke someone out – If your ex refuses to reply to your attempts at contact, take that as a sign that they don’t want to talk to you. Running to Twitter, Facebook and YouTube to publicly reveal intimate details about their life in dribs and drabs is not the way to get them to respond.  Behavior like that makes you look like an awful, immature, vindictive crazy person, despite what your sycophantic followers tell you.

3. Have some dignity - Rolling around wailing on Twitter is not only unbecoming, it’s insufferable and unbearable to watch. If you get dumped, lick your wounds privately. Again, trust me on this, The last person you want seeing you so vulnerable is the person that you believed hurt you. It gives them far too much power over you. They’ll watch and wait and strike when they think you’re vulnerable.

4. Keep private matters private - Leave text messages and emails and profile info offline. Look, just because it didn’t work out for you doesn’t mean they aren’t a good person. Learn the difference between a good person in a bad situation and a bad person.

5. Remember that it’s a small world - Take, for example, an email I received the other night from a reader. They happened to be a reader of another blog. A recent post perked up their ears because the numerous specifics mentioned about the guy in question fit a regular commenter here. Sure enough, when I read the blog, I realized the woman was lambasting someone I knew. And while he absolutely brought it upon himself, she still looked bad for what she said and came off immature and spiteful.

 

Tips to avoid being bitchy blogger fodder:

1. Do your research - Your first clue that this girl was going to do something like this was that she admitted in her profile that she writes for a website or keeps a blog. That’s your cue. These are rarely isolated incidents. Meaning, this woman has undoubtedly done this before. If you read her website or tweets and she seems attention whorey, you can be sure she’ll eventually use you as bait to get it. If she does appear loose lipped, approach with caution.

2. Don’t lie about reading her blog or tweets – Granted, deep down, we know that it’s a lie. But if you tell us that you’re not reading, we’re going to test you. That’s when the rubber hits the road. Let me tell you, if we know we have you or anyone close to you as part of our audience, we’ll use this to our advantage.

3. Don’t put anything you don’t want public knowledge in writing – Keep all communication during the first few dates brief and innocuous. That person has to prove themselves to you. Before our first date, the guy I’ve been dating and I talked about what I do for a living. We even read some of the blog together. I was open to any and all concerns he voiced. As someone who does this for a living or for a hobby, you have to understand that what we do is really unsettling to most men.

4. Don’t date someone because of their blog - Oh, so you like to be written about? Remember you said that. Nobody likes to feel like an experiment.

5. Don’t follow them on social media until things get serious – That way, there’s no messy unfollowing or defriending.

I say you try and capitalize on this. Let this girl give you free promotion. The smart women will recognize that you dumped a Crazy. Or her hate followers will do what they can to get one over on her and try to date you so they can rub her face in it. Whatever you do, do not contact her and try to ignore it. She’s trying to get your attention because she hopes you’re reading. Don’t react and I assure you she’ll get tired of it and find another victim. Don’t unfollow her or block her, either. Do not reveal your presence at all. If she sees that she’d getting to you, she’ll keep it up.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating The Crazy, Deaing With an Ex, Drama Queens, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do You Need a Man’s Whole Heart To Be Happy?

September 9, 2012 by 17 Comments

Name: Emily
Age: 32
State: MA
Question: How much baggage is too much?
I’ve been dating W. for the past 10 months. We are both divorced, but unlike me (with no children), he has 3 children from his previous marriage and is 8 years older than me. As our relationship progressed and we became officially a couple (family functions, parties, weekends and short vacations spent together), my friends started giving their opinions about him. Most vocal was my brother. He keeps telling me how I should not date a man with “baggage”, especially 3 kids and an ex wife, that I am too young to compromise on this and that I should find a man to start “fresh”, with no prior attachments or responsibilities. He thinks I “deserve” this kind of a relationship because I’m “young, beautiful and successful”, and I will never be first priority in W’s life.

My boyfriend is equally successful in his business, loves his kids and has an absolutely wonderful relationship with them, is caring and attentive with me, respects me and my life-style. Going through a marriage (with my high-school boyfriend) and the complicated and painful divorce that followed, I learned a lot of things about myself. I lost the romantic view on love and marriage, I learned who I am and why I made bad and good decisions in my life. Dating several men (both online and offline) after my divorce, most less than 2 months, I learned what I want in a relationship with a partner… and having “no baggage” was never on my “list”.

W and I are both well grounded, with a realistic view of life and each other. No fancy dreams or beliefs.  We could each live happily without the other one, but together we are better people. I feel it’s possible this relationship might result in a marriage over the years, but this is not the time for either of us to think of that… but my brother and friends think of this and they are panicking a little. This might be just an overprotective brother, but I’ve heard some of my girlfriends saying similar things about the men they are dating.

And hence my question. Don’t we all have “baggage”, even if not in the form of kids/ex-partners? And how or what is too much baggage? Why does it matter for some women/men to have a “fresh” start?

I answered my brother – first by reassuring him that jumping in another marriage is not something I want right now, and either way I am not scared or feel challenged by 3 kids, that I don’t need to be someone elses “everything” again in my life, I don’t need a man’s whole heart to be happy. I am not defined by the amount of love a man has for me, but by how much I love myself. Rather than dating a 35 yo man (for example) that was never able to have a long-term relationship, I would rather date someone that proved he can be a husband and father…

 

I don’t need a man’s whole heart to be happy.

This is probably the most brilliant thing I’ve ever read in any of the almost 5,000 letters I’ve received over the years. The truth is that none of us should depend upon or expect the complete devotion and attention from someone else to feel secure. I think of my step-mother and how many times she must have been relegated to the second spot in my Dad’s life. That’s how life is sometimes, be it due to having an ex-spouse or kids or siblings or a job. If there is one piece of that cliched and trite advise I do agree with, it’s to learn how to be happy on your own before getting into a relationship. It doesn’t have to look a certain way in order to be right or to work.

What’s funny about your brother’s advice s that it almost seem to ignore the fact that you, too, are divorced. He’s talking about how you deserve a fresh start and should date someone with no baggage, etc. Question: Where was this wise Oracle the first time you got married? Was he so concerned then? Or did he say nothing? He wasn’t concerned that his baby sister was getting married to her HS boyfriend? That didn’t raise any red flags? He didn’t fear you were too young or not ready?

What your brother and friends are experiencing is confusion (and possibly jealousy) over the fact that you don’t need to be a someone’s everything all the time to be happy, and they do. See, this is why people get divorced in the first place. They have immature views and ideas of what marriage and commitment are all about. To them, and to many others, marriage is about spending every day with your best friend. Tra la la la la. You will always be priority number 1 and there will be total honesty between the two of you. Reality? There are going to be days when you hate their face off.

Another fallacy is that, after divorce, you get to wipe the slate clean and start anew. Um. No. I’m sorry to break it to y’all, but a divorce is a mark on your record. It just is. It’s not an unforgiveable one, but it’s a blight and gives people pause. Somewhere out there, there is a sister telling her little brother that he shouldn’t have to date a 32 year old divorcee because he deserves someone with a spotless record. It’s not terribly productive to try and sweep a past marriage under the rug and be all, “Fresh start!!! Weeeeeee!” I don’t like that mentality. Nor do I care for the idea that anybody “deserves” a certain type of relationship. It sounds like you’re one of the people who came out of your marriage and did some reflecting and actually learned something about yourself. That’s why pretending a marriage or relationship didn’t happen isn’t a good thing. You have to be able to re-trace your footsteps to see where you went wrong. And when a marriage ends, rarely is it ever just one person’s fault.

Does everyone have baggage? I suppose. In some way, yes. If you or anybody else chose to wait for that one baggage-less person, you would be alone for a very long time.

You’re happy? It works for you? That’s all that matters. Not how much or how little baggage someone has. Tell your girlfriends to keep their poisonous and passive aggressive slights to themselves. Yes, they’re being passive aggressive. They’re trying to make you think that your relationship has some fatal flaw. More than likely, it’s their relationships that suck, and their men who don’t treat them the way yours treats you. Don’t. Listen. To. Your. Girlfriends. They can’t be objective, and neither can your brother.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Dating In a Big City, Deaing With an Ex, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

How Close Do You Keep An Ex?

August 28, 2011 by 22 Comments

I want to get you guys’ perspective on this. Been exclusive with this guy for several months now, no fights, he’s great, we communicate, all the good stuff. I had a hard time in the beginning when I realized he was spending time with his ex that had been “driving me crazy, she wants me back and I keep saying no, won’t stop calling. I don’t know what to do.” according to him. I gave him some advice on how to get her to move on (no contact for several months, then slowly start talking again to see if a friendship could happen), but he never took it.

Now, she calls him constantly; he calls back or answers when I’m not around, but never when I am. They text constantly, he talks to me about her every single time we are together, what she’s up to, how she’s doing, here’s a pic she sent him of something she’s working on, etc. Honestly, I don’t care and really wish I didn’t have to hear about her.

I don’t really feel jealous like I have in the past of other women, but it just feels weird to me. I don’t really care to know about her, and part of me wishes they didn’t talk so much, which might be selfish. I don’t want to tell him who he can be friends with, but I’m really wondering if I can actually be okay with this ever. Am I right to feel weird about it?

He doesn’t have friends, and this girl is really close to him. I met her once, before we were exclusive, so she knows about me. Like I said, I don’t feel threatened per say, but I do feel a bit second-place. They broke up two years ago now, but never ceased contact for any period of time.

Thanks for reading and helping me out! You guys are always awesome, which is why I’m writing again :) – SB

 

I had a hard time in the beginning when I realized he was spending time with his ex that had been “driving me crazy, she wants me back and I keep saying no, won’t stop calling. I don’t know what to do.”

Oh. Well then a super way to get her to go away is to hang out with her. That’ll teach her!  When you don’t want anything to do with someone, you don’t engage. That’s it. This junk about how he doesn’t know what to do is a load of bull. He knows what to do. He just doesn’t want to do it. Then he’s coming to you and “complaining” about it. That right there is what sets of my internal warning bells.

Now, she calls him constantly; he calls back or answers when I’m not around, but never when I am.

I’m assuming that he tells you it’s her, yes? Or do you look at his phone? I don’t think he should be expected to turn his phone off while he’s with you, but there’s no reason for you to know that she’s calling him so much. But then…SHE SHOULDN’T BE CALLING HIM. He hasn’t set any boundaries. For a reason.

Honestly, I don’t care and really wish I didn’t have to hear about her.

Then why are you hearing about her? Why aren’t you telling this guy you don’t want to hear about his Ex? Are you afraid of looking insecure or jealous? Don’t be. You have every right to lay down a boundary, although the real boundary should be that he stop being in such constant contact with his Ex. Don’t play the role of advisor to him. Don’t give him little tips how to get this girl to leave him alone. Clearly, if she’s still doing it, he likes it.

I don’t want to tell him who he can be friends with, but I’m really wondering if I can actually be okay with this ever. Am I right to feel weird about it?

Yes, you are. You shouldn’t HAVE to tell him that this situation makes him uncomfortable. He should already know that. And either he does, and doesn’t care. Or he’s clueless – which its totally possible – and you need to step in and say something.

He doesn’t have friends, and this girl is really close to him. I met her once, before we were exclusive, so she knows about me.

Yes. She knows about you and yet still continues to contact YOUR BOYFRIEND. See, the missing piece here is what he’s telling her. That’s what you don’t know.

I don’t have an issue with people staying in touch with their Exes. Friendly hellos, Happy Holidays, etc. You had feelings for each other once, so it makes sense that you’d wish them well and maybe check in. (Although that always strikes me as a tad shady, especially if they’re in a new relationship.)To me it feels like keeping tabs on said Ex. I don’t like that. It makes me think they’re performing due diligence in some regard, making sure their reputation will stay in tact. They make great efforts to mend fences with Exes, maybe even develop a “friendship” with each one, just to be sure their Ex won’t be out there bad mouthing them. It’s phony and self-serving.

If the core group of someone’s friends are people they casually dated that’s a red flag for me. I know women who do this and it’s because they don’t want the men to find someone else and lose their attention. – NB

I think I mentioned recently that a guy I went out with several months ago Friend requested me on Facebook the day after our date. After I accepted, I took a look at his page and his photos. Not only did he have a number of shots with women – like, 75% of his photos – but a few were obviously, based on body language and nature of the photos) Exes or women with whom he had some form of an intimate relationship.

I see no problem with people in relationships maintaining close friendships with people of the opposite sex as long as their are boundaries. In fact, I think that’s healthy and that their primary relationship could benefit because of the insight that the friend provides. Where I draw a line is someone who has a number of his Exes as close friends and confidantes. Friendly with Exes? Great. Hanging out on a regular basis to keeping in frequent contact? Uh. No. If these women have moved on to other relationships, then he should know enough that the boundaries have changed. That’s just how it works. Like NB said, it makes me wonder why he’s holding on to these relationships, especially if they were brief affairs and not several year long relationships. And even then, in the case of staying close with an Ex that you dated for a very long time, it concerns me. Though I understand that it’s hard to just extricate someone from your life that was a big part of it for so long.

These people – male and female – are fluffers. They provide some form of additional external validation. They present themselves as a shoulder to cry on and a sounding board for their “friends.” But what they’re really doing, I think,  is trying to prevent their “friend” from committing to another relationship. They’re also usually quite competitive with and threatened by other members of their gender, which is why they don’t tend to have many friends of the same sex.

To the OP: I don’t see this guy cutting the chord with this woman any time soon. So either you’re going to have to speak up or accept this woman as the third wheel. And you should do it before YOU become the third wheel.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Dating, Deaing With an Ex, Latests Posts, Uncategorized

Three-Way to Crazytown

August 14, 2011 by 10 Comments

Name: FG | | Location: Jersey City , NJ |Question: Because I know I’ll get ripped apart here, first let me say that I’m not asking for what I should do now.  I’m fairly certain I know the answer to that is to stay far away from this girl. Nor am I asking what you think of me, because I know I had a lot of fault in this as well.  What I’d like to know is what people think the underlying issues were. Insecurity? Self esteem problems? etc. Obviously I have some problems of my own as well.  Although there are many details, I’ll try to keep it short as I can.

I started going out with a girl near the beginning of the year. Things were good. However I did already kind of feel that she was not the one, only a month or so in, but enjoyed spending time with her and sex was great. (I know.. fault #1. I should’ve ended it there) Anyway, I met her friend early in the relationship, then all hungout together once or twice. We hungout once helping the GF with cleaning the apartment because she has back problems. The GF left for appointments, errands, while her friend and I stayed and continued cleaning for hours. This whole time we talked and got to know each other better. Just basic stuff… music, job problems, etc. Nothing happened between us. However a day or so later, or possibly even that night ( i can’t remember) her friend sent me a txt saying something along the lines of : “Hey, it’s xyz and I think you’re cool. Just wanted to let ya know. “I replied saying, you too. …and I deleted the txt, not ever thinking much of it. Just thought that she was glad her friend met someone cool I guess.

After that I did not even realize, but I seemed to be interested in her and looked at her more than I should’ve when she was with us hanging out. I say I didn’t notice because my GF did, and asked about it. I didn’t even really notice I was. I denied anything going on because I didn’t actually realize. Now looking bac
k, I guess I did. Possibly the txt from her got me thinking? Possibly she meant to have that happen by sending the txt, now looking back.

Within about 2 weeks I breakup with the GF for other reasons. (seriously) I was having trouble with personality issues and that she was a bad smoker who said she was quitting but never made any efforts.

She then showed she was trying to make changes. Ended up getting back with her when we hungout a week later. Still over time, when her friend was around she said she noticed me looking at her often or more than I should. She confronted me about it and her friend about it. We both said nothing was going on.

Few months later… At this point the old issues that made me break it off the last time have come back fullswing. I’m having trouble dealing and plan to breakup. The 3 of us all go down the shore. Alcohol’s involved. Somehow they start talking about a 3way. Next thing ya know, that happens. I then feel like the GF does not really care about the relationship if she not only let this happen, but seemed to have even plan it. Over the next two days the friend shows she’s kind of interested now. Looking at me alot, smiling, we exchange a txt or two. We even talk alone about how it would be cool if we could get to know each other. Now kind of confused and unsure of things, of feelings for the friend as well, and knowing the issues that bothered me in the first place about the GF are still here, and because I had already planned to, I break it off with the GF again.

The following week I contact the friend and tell her that I’d like to meet in person and talk about all this. She is hesitant and says she needs to mention it to my ex-GF because she doesn’t want to hurt her. She does and the ex-GF first says go see what he wants. We plan to meet, but that night she calls me and says she can’t meet now, that the ex-GF now said no. They were together at the time, which I was unaware of. She and the ex-GF start fighting, and she storms out. She then calls me from a different location. We talk about the situation briefly and I also explain to her that I did plan on breaking it off with the ex-GF and this did not happen because of her. But looking back, it probably made it alot easier for me to do. We continue to talk about other things for about 2 hours and had a great time talking. We do not meet in person. A few days later she calls me and says she cannot see me because she doesn’t feel it’s right and said she doesn’t know if she may change her mind… that she will keep my number.

During that following week, the ex-GF and her fight on and off, like resentment is now showing from the friend. She keeps telling the ex-GF she does not like me and does not want to be with me, etc. But she finds out that the ex-GF and I are still talking over phone, txt. The friend gets angry that she feels she can’t make her own decision about me, and
why should the ex-gf still talk to me if she can’t as well. They have it out one big final time which gets ugly and are no longer friends.

Two weeks go by and the friend contacts me, saying she’s coming to town to hang with friends and thought we could meetup before or after. So, we plan that. Earlier the day we are supposed to meet, she then says she’s not hanging with the friends, but still wants to meetup. Hmm, convenient. So we do. We have a great time, walk around, hit a few bars, play pool, then end up back at my place, have sex. She stays over. Next morning we go back to her place, hangout the rest of the day.. mall, dinner. During the following two weeks we get together about 5-6 times. Always great. Not always sex either, but a few times. I enjoy spending time with her and feel great around her. She tells me she does not want a serious relationship because she is kind of just getting over the last one. (that ended over a year ago) and because of her new job, does not want to be distracted from it. Although my goal is a serious relationship in the end, I am fine with this… fine to keep hanging out, having fun and see where it goes. During the two weeks she gives alot of mixed signals, like mentioning things to do together far off in the future, eventually coming to say she has liked me on the outside but is now really starting to like me on the inside as well. Always sending a txt to ask how my day went. Calls for no reason, just to talk and say hi. We speak or at least chat online/txt everyday. Even told me that she does “have feelings for me” All this is of course making me feel as though it’s getting a bit more serious. She has also mentioned a few times that she feels horrible about what happened with her old friend (my ex-gf) and also feels like she’s sneaking around and hiding us, from her parents as well. A day or two later, she then tells me she is going to tell her parents about it over the weekend “because she doesn’t really care what they think.”  At this point, I’m starting to feel like she is developing stronger feelings for me, and is prepared to let her parents know. But, she txt me the following day saying she wants to have dinner the next day, and the reason is because she has a few things she needs to say to me.

I now fully expect she will end it… that she spoke to her parents and it went really bad. I mentally prepare myself and even plan out what I will say. Sure enough when I get there, she is visibly upset and anxious. I ask her whats up. We sit down to talk and she starts by saying, “I can’t see you anymore” … that it’s just too much and she feels horrible, about the ex-friend …that it’s also because of how everything happened, how bad she feels about things, and not because of me, or how things have been between us. I ask if she told her parents… no she did not. I tell her what I had planned… that “she’s a great girl, we have a great time together and each time seems better than the last, but if she feels this decision is best for her, then I accept it and I will leave her alone,” give her a hug and kiss on the cheek, wish her well with the new job and to take care of herself. I did not try to talk her into changing her mind. I made sure to not act pissed off. She’s keeps opening her mouth as to say more, but does not. Seemed to be confused and not sure what to say, and just says “same to you” as I walk out. At the time I guess I was hoping she would change her mind and contact me again, so very important to keep cool.

While with the ex-GF, she had told me things that happened in the friends past. Problems with her ex-boyfriend. Drug and alcohol problems she had. I have kept in touch with the ex-GF and recently found out that this friend was in a psychiatric hospital for a bit. That she was/is on medication and was supposed to be seeing a therapist. I do not know if I believe the ex-GF. But the ex-GF did figure out the timeline of how all this happened and feels that the friend actually caused the breakup, or certainly helped it along. She also feels that this was her intention all along, since she had sent me that first txt months before, saying she thinks I’m cool.

The ex-GF did also recently find out about the friend contacting me. She then spoke to her on the phone and the friend admitted everything but called me a piece of s##t. Completely opposite of how she told me she felt about me. Maybe the easy way out, but why lie about anything now? Just easier to get it over with maybe. Or possibly how she really felt. She’s lying to one of us.

I’m no longer speaking to either of them, as myself and the ex-GF also had it out. It’s only been a week since the friend and I stopped seeing each other.

I’m not sure what to think of the friend now. I feel as though she has major self-esteem problems and insecurity… since I know now that she kept going back to the ex-boyfriend even though he treated her very, very bad and doesn’t seem to want to be bothered by her. Why she even contacted me, I don’t know. I guess she felt she was no longer friends with my ex-gf, so why not see what happens. But it seems like the guilt got to her. Maybe also the lying? Also being afraid to tell her parents, because they knew of the situation, …fear of her parents being disappointed?

Not sure. Just wanted to see what people thought. I know.. I’ve heard from friends already, this isn’t a good way to start a relationship anyway… and she sounds kind of jeckyll&hyde-ish. She also was lying to either myself or the ex-gf, when telling each of us how she feels about me. If she did also plan to cause problems with that very first txt, bad news. Also has a long history of deleting contact info of the ex-boyfriend but then reaching out again, saying she misses him, etc… but then fighting the next day with him about his or her belongings that each other may still have. Very high-schoolish. She did that with me actually. When her and the ex-gf fought and she said she was not interested in me, she deleted my number. When she finally contacted me, it was through a friends facebook page (she does not have a FB account)

Crazy story or what?
|Age: 37

Yep. That’s a  CRAZY story.

What’s really, really crazy about all of this is that you’re 37 years old. I expected to reach the end of this letter and see your age listed as 25 or 26. Though I totally called the threeway the minute you brought up the friend. Way to go, brah.

What I’d like to know is what people think the underlying issues were. Insecurity? Self esteem problems? etc

I have no idea what her possible issues are. What I do know is that you shouldn’t trust your ex-girlfriend to tell you the truth. Maybe she is. Maybe she isn’t. But she has reason and motive to paint this “friend” of hers as a lunatic. It’s called good old fashioned jealousy. These two were never actually friends. They were frenemies. There was always underlying problems between them, as well as a latent resentment and competitiveness. So don’t fret about being the catalyst that broke these two up. If it wasn’t you it was going to be somebody.Your ex-GF just is not to be trusted. She’s revealing sensitive information about her “friend.” Plus….SHE WENT FOR THE THREEWAY AND POSSIBLY SET IT UP! Hello? She basically pushed the girl’s vagina in your direction. She’s what we all loving refer to as “batshit  crazy.” Stay away from her. You don’t want to be that guy with the story of the wacko ex who won’t leave him alone. Women hear tales like that and immediately wonder what it was the guy might have done to create such chaos in his life. There’s ALWAYS two sides to that coin. The red flags are almost always there. That you chose to ignore them makes you suspect.

The friend of the GF sounds unstable and erratic. So now that’s two women you’ve been drawn to and dated and slept with that had overt “crazy” tendencies. The difference is, I think the friend might actually be in need of treatment and therapy. You can’t really hold her actions against her if she’s not in full control of her impulses. If she gets the proper treatment and medication, she very well might be able to be the girlfriend you want her to be. You’re obviously still entranced with her to some degree, so why not reach out to her as a friend and suggest she get some help? She’s clearly suffering, and what she could really use right now is someone who has her back, who isn’t looking for something in return. She shouldn’t be demonized or ostracized, especially by a “friend.” You seem to care about her, so look out for her. Not because you want to get laid or because you have your own issues involving co-dependency, but because she’s a human being.

The real issue here, for me, is what drew you to these women in the first place. Because you’re just going to do this again.What is it about women like this that you find attractive? Do you just like the wounded birds or feel you can somehow fix them?Maybe you’re just extremely empathetic? I don’t know. But you do seem to have a high threshold for women who display less then healthy tendencies. It’s okay to be a care taker of sorts, as long as you understand that not everybody can be saved. People spend their whole lives trying to fix people who are can not be healed. Be sure to figure out why you stayed in this situation as long as you did or risk repeating it over and over.

I’m always curious about men who go on about the “crazy” women in their lives, yet still manage to engage them and have sex with them. Yes, I know, we all know the stories about “crazy girl sex.” It’s wild, it’s uninhibited, wooo hoo!  THREEWAY! I swear that some of you guys who mock the “crazy” girls are such hypocrites. You don’t even get that the mere fact that you indulge these women speaks volumes about you. And frankly, I find it a little disingenuous of those guys who openly mock these women but who have frequent trysts with these women behind closed doors. Psst…guess what? That means…wait for it…you’re “crazy,” too. Get over yourselves, ya big drama queens.

And for the record? Never, EVER partake in a threeway with your girlfriend and one of her friends. If that’s something you want to do, find a third party elsewhere. A situation like that is chock full of possible drama.  Go to a bar or an adult/poly/swinger party to find a third. My girlfriends are like my sisters. I couldn’t possibly imagine one of them going down on me. (Sorry, J.) But a petite little brunette, possibly Latina or Mediterranean,  with C-cups that we meet at a bar? Yeah. That’s possible. As long as I wouldn’t have to see her again. And this might not be what Emily Post suggests, but I’d make it clear that they leave right after the sex.  No cuddling or hanging out. No real names exchanged. Get a hotel room so they can’t Google your address. (As you can tell, I’ve thought this through. ;) ) If you choose a friend, then things will always seem weird afterwards. You don’t want to end up in a serious relationship with someone and end up double dating and befriending the friend’s boyfriend knowing you had her, too.

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Dating & Trust, Dating The Crazy, Deaing With an Ex, Dysfunction Junction, Latests Posts, Sex

Is Your Desire For Monogamy Keeping You Single?

August 9, 2011 by 126 Comments

Name: Anonymous |  | Location: Pittsburgh , PA |Question: My ex-boyfriend and I dated for about 7 months (the last 3 months of it, we were exclusive).  I am the one who broke it off. This is why: one day, when I went to watch TV at his apartment (which is hooked to his computer), I found it open to a swingers site. He was not logged in, but it had his username and a saved password in the login area. I did not log in (though I was tempted). I just closed the page.

He also had a second tab open to a local adult “playground” site. and it was open to a page showing that he’d recently communicated with someone. (They emailed back and forth). This time, I did look at the history, and saw this was the only person he had communicated with, and that he had initiated the conversation.

He told me he was afraid to tell me because he thought I’d dump him as soon as I found out he was ever a swinger.  He said that he decided to “leave the lifestyle” about three months into our relationship, right before I left for a one month trip [So out of the total 7 months, we were apart for one month, during which we kept in touch long-distance; then became exclusive once I got back]. He said that he slept with someone else (one of his old girl friends who is also a swinger) soon after I got back, and he said he got back on the websites soon after I got back (not before, while I was gone) as well.  In the meantime, we were seeing each other all the time.  We became exclusive soon after.

I told him that had he been truthful, I would have been open to at the very least checking out a swingers event or party, to see what it was like, and then figuring things out from there. He seemed genuinely remorseful when things ended, and wanted to keep dating. He says he didn’t sleep with anyone he had been communicating with after we became exclusive, but I don’t know whether to believe that or not. That said, I broke up with
him for lying to me, and also because I found it disrespectful that he was initiating contact with other women for sex behind my back, when we were supposed to be seeing each other exclusively (which he had claimed to be happy about).

We have not seen each other since [I needed time apart], but have stayed “friends” and communicate regularly over email. (At first by phone as well, but I ended that so I could get over him faster). That said, I would appreciate if you would please discuss why he would go back into “the lifestyle” AFTER becoming exclusive with me and telling me he missed me so much while I was gone. Also, should I have tried to work things through with him?  Thanks.  |Age: 28

 

I have to admit to being a bit turned around here, so please correct me if I get anything wrong.

I’m not sure where he lied to you. Are you referring to the fact that he didn’t tell you about his interest in swinging? I’m not sure he’s really obligated to do that. Just like you’re not obligated to tell him how many men you’ve slept with or whether or not you’ve been with a woman or had a threeway. Regardless of the logistics, sexual history and proclivities really aren’t our business and up to our lovers to share.

I found it disrespectful that he was initiating contact with other women for sex behind my back, when we were supposed to be seeing each other exclusively (which he had claimed to be happy about).

This right here? This is where you’re 100% justified. If you’re exclusive and he’s trying to organize or set up sex with someone else, he’s wrong.

That said, I would appreciate if you would please discuss why he would go back into “the lifestyle” AFTER becoming exclusive with me and telling me he missed me so much while I was gone.

This one is simple. He didn’t really want to be exclusive. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, doesn’t mean he didn’t really miss you. It just means he wants to have multiple sexual partners. And he wouldn’t be the first man or woman to want that. Nor does that desire make him (or her) bad or wrong. Monogamy isn’t for everyone, and there’s a debate as to whether humans are capable of it. personally, I don’t think we are. I think the only reason we use monogamy as the “typical” or “normal” outlier if an exclusive relationship is because society tells us we should.

The NY Times had a great interview with Dan Savage last month. In the piece, Savage discusses his thoughts on monogamy and how far a partner should be willing to go to preserve their relationship/marriage.

Such straight talk about the difficulty of monogamy, Savage argues, is simply good sense. People who are eager to cheat need to be honest with their partners, but people who think they would never cheat need honesty even more. “The point,” he wrote on his blog last year, “is that people — particularly those who value monogamy — need to understand why being monogamous is so much harder than they’ve been led to believe.”

How exactly does Savage think talking about monogamy’s trials make practicing it easier? In part, by reminding people to be good, giving and game. Straight talk about why we might cheat helps couples figure out ways to keep each other satisfied at home. If I promise my wife that I would never, ever, ever sleep with another woman, the conversation might end there, the two of us gazing into each other’s eyes (even if our minds might be wandering). But if I say, “I’ve been feeling sexually unfulfilled lately because I have a secret fantasy about trading dirty pictures with a woman” — well, then maybe my wife will e-mail me some of her. And so monogamy is preserved.

“If you are expected to be monogamous and have one person be all things sexually for you, then you have to be whores for each other,” Savage says. “You have to be up for anything.”

While I don’t think Savage is advocating that someone compromise themselves or push themselves to cross a sexual threshold with which they aren’t comfortable, I do think he’s suggesting that couples open the lines of communication and work to get past pre-conceived opinions that they have about sex and sexuality. A man once asked me to greet him at the door wearing stilettos and red lipstick. Given that the sexual aspect of our relationship was new, I was concerned. Was he already bored? What’s this fantasy about? Oh God…prostitutes! When he came over, I opened the door wearing an outfit that I chose. Before things got physical, I asked him the significance of the heels and cherry lipstick. It had nothing to do with porn or hookers or some random memory of his Mom schtupping the cable guy. He said, quite simply, he liked when I wore high heels and he loves my lips. I changed outfits soon after :) In my mind, I had created all these reasons for this, in my mind, possibly “deviant” fantasy. This conversation opened up the doors to deeper conversations where we confessed our individual likes, dislikes and insecurities. And that’s really where I think we get in our own way. This is where monogamy screws us up. We let our insecurity over not being enough for our partner get in the way of really understanding and talking about what we like -and more importantly – what we need – sexually.

The fact that you, OP, were willing to check out these parties with him shows that you were open minded enough to learn more about what turns him on. Had he told you, you probably could have gotten past this particular blip.

You obviously still have some lingering feelings. So I guess what you really need to do is figure out what you want. Do you want to be with him? Can you forgive him and put this instance of his dishonesty in the past and start with a clean slate? The real question is, could you get past and work with his desire to have sex with other women? Because that would have to be part of the equation, lest he slip again.

I know people will tell you to ditch him and find a man who won’t cheat. But what’s worse…a partner who secretly wants to cheat because they feel dissatisfied or just get an urge for something new..or a partner  that actually cheats? Aren’t both equally destructive to a relationship?

I think anybody – male or female – would be hard pressed to find someone who is content with the idea of having the same sexual partner for an indefinite and extended amount of time. In my mind, this is another thing that is tripping up so many people and preventing them from developing a relationship with someone else. The concept of and uses for commitment and monogamy are so vastly different now, and they’re in a continuous state of change. It’s getting harder and harder to keep up. Can you  broaden your definitions?

Sure, communication helps. Like the NYTimes piece suggested, sharing a fantasy of wanting to have an illicit affair with someone else could open up all kinds of possibilities for role playing and such. It’s possible that two people can find those sexual work-arounds, too. But both scenarios involve open communication and an honest look at why you may not be willing to fulfill such needs.

 

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Filed Under: casual sex, Cheating, Deaing With an Ex, Fluidity, Hook Up Culture, Kinky, Latests Posts, Monogamy, Polyamory, Popular Posts - 2, Sex

Why is He Avoiding Commitment? – Redux

July 7, 2011 by 40 Comments

Name: Anne |  | Location: Chicago , IL |Question: So this is kind of a long story.  I am planning on breaking up with my boyfriend because he travels a lot for work, and when he is home he is really non- committal.  Our nearly 3 year relationship has been gradually deteriorating for a while, but I was trying to make it work.  A few months ago, while my boyfriend was on a business trip, I started flirting with a guy who is very good friends with my best friend’s boyfriend.  He told our mutual friends that he was interested in me, and asked for my number.  They told him that I was in a relationship, but that things were not going well, so that maybe he could ask me out at some point. Every time this guy hangs out with my friend’s boyfriend he asks about me.  Finally, last weekend when they were hanging out, he decided he was going to ask me out, even though my relationship wasn’t officially over.  I am planning on officially ending things with my current boyfriend, but he is currently on a 3 week business trip, and I do not want to do it over the phone.  Other guy and I went out for drinks last weekend, and ended up hanging-out and talking for about four hours.  He picked me up, and dropped me off, and wouldn’t let me pay for anything.  During our date he said several things that made me think that he would like to see me in the future, like offering to help me learn how to drive and offering to burn me a copy of a CD he owns that I liked.  When he dropped me off, he said that if I was around later that weekend maybe we could do something with my friend and her boyfriend.  He never called me after our date.  My friend told me that I should call him because he had taken a risk calling me while I was still in a relationship and that it was my turn to call and ask him out.  I don’t usually call boys because I like to feel pursued, but I did and he still has not called back.  I’m confused about what is going on.  Did our date not live up to his expectations, since he has been waiting around for me to be available for a long time?  Is he turned off by me being very recently out of a long-term relationship?  I think it is rude of him not to return my call.  If he is not interested any more than that is fine, but we have mutual friends and will most likely run into each other at some point.  We can’t really just avoid seeing each other again, so I think the mature thing would be for us to talk and try to be friends, regardless of what happens romantically.   What is his deal? I think it is probably too soon for me to be dating anyone new, but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk.(Also you ran my post last month on why I want to break up with my current boyfriend..not sure if that’s relevant.)  |Age: 28

Wait. Didn’t you submit this letter just a few weeks ago?

Is he turned off by me being very recently out of a long-term relationship?  I think it is rude of him not to return my call.

You are still in your relationship. You can’t just decide to mentally extricate from your relationship and think that’s the same thing as talking to your partner and telling them, to their face, that things are over. Your friends shouldn’t be shooting their mouths off about the status of your relationship, either. Wonder how your boyfriend would feel if he heard what they said? And do you really think, should he ever run in to your friend’s boyfriend or should they go out for beers or what have you, that your friend’s boyfriend won’t tell him what you did? You truly believe that your little dalliance is going to stay a secret? You are terribly naive.

He’s not rude for not returning your call. He doesn’t owe you anything. He took you on one date. He’s not interested. There’s your answer.

I think it is probably too soon for me to be dating anyone new, but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk.(Also you ran my post last month on why I want to break up with my current boyfriend..not sure if that’s relevant.)

You’re right that it is too soon for you to be even stressing about this. You haven’t even done the respectful thing and told your boyfriend that you wish to break things off.

Maybe this guy hasn’t called you because, like, you’re technically cheating on your boyfriend. I mean, fine, you didn’t have sex with the guy. But the fact that he even asked you out while you were still with your boyfriend, or even if he believed you had just recently broke up with him, tells you everything you need to know.

During our date he said several things that made me think that he would like to see me in the future, like offering to help me learn how to drive and offering to burn me a copy of a CD he owns that I liked.

This would be the part of the date where the warning bells go off. The “we” chatter. The talk of future plans before you’ve even gotten through the first date. This guy was saying these things to butter you up. Then one of two things happened: He either didn’t get laid, which was what he wanted, so bailed. Or he just wasn’t interested in seeing you again. Either way, this situation is over. Further thought and analysis is simply wasted energy. He changed his mind, or was never terribly interested to begin with. Such is life. Such is dating.

Aren’t you glad you’re single now? Because this is what you have to look forward to. So I’d be really, really sure you’re ready to throw away those 3 years. It’s funny how, when an opportunity of something more presents itself, you’re ready to take the jump from what you have with someone else. That’s not very loyal, and I’d think if there’s one thing that men want in a partner is loyalty. Someone who has their back. You do not have your man’s back. Even if things are deteriorating, you still spent three years with this man. You owe him more than what you are giving.

You seem incredibly impatient. You want instant gratification and confirmation of where a guy stands. If he doesn’t move quickly enough or on your time table, you dispose of him. That’s not going to bode well for you when you start dating again. Few men will tolerate that. I think you need to address your own control issues before you even consider getting in to another relationship. Or leaving your current one.

UPDATES ON SATURDAY, JUL 9TH:

I meant to add this when I first wrote this post:

We’ve talked about rebound relationships and when is it too soon to move on etc. What disturbed me so much about this letter, and similar situations, is that it displays an alamring level of emotional detachment. Of course this guy was going to be hesitant to take this woman out again. Who wouldn’t be? To me, someone who can jump from a moderately long term (2yr+) relationship to another relationship with little time in between is not safe. If I met a man and he had said that he and his girlfriend of 3 years had broken up a handful of months ago or less and he was looking for a new relationship, I’d be wary. It would make me wonder just how emotionally invested they were in their previous relationship. It would also make me question how they are wired emotionally. I get that some people move on quickly or emotionally detach long before the actual break up occurs. I just don’t think they’re ability or choice to go from one relationship to another so quickly bodes well for the next relationship.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Cheating, Dating, Deaing With an Ex, Latests Posts, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today

Blog Like Everybody Is Watching

June 15, 2011 by 18 Comments

As a blogger, we choose to put ourselves out there. When I’m feeling strong, when things are good, it’s a lot easier to write an honest post that still manages to conceal the private stuff that is too risky to share, especially when I’m aware of exes, co-workers, close friends, and people I know reading it.
People ask me how I do it. “Isn’t it tricky to promote your own blog to people – to new friends, including potential future mates?” The answer is, absolutely. It is tricky. You could say that I, or any writer or blogger, takes a chance each time she directs someone to a public journal of sorts that exposes her vulnerabilities, conflicts, and history. Isnt that the stuff that people should discover about you over time, if they (and you) want to?

Should bloggers be sharing, even when they are wary to, or have nothing to say? – Cougel

When my step-mother was diagnosed with breast cancer back in October, I didn’t find out until about week after everyone else in my family. I asked my Dad why nobody had called me to tell me. He said that he had so many other things on his 86 – year old mind that he forgot. And then he said,

“It’s not like it’s something you broadcast over the Internet”

Huh. Touche, Dad.

When my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer two months later, I found out right away. But now that her kids are older and in their twenties, I am hyper-aware of the fact that what I write here might unsettle them or violate their privacy. With all of my nieces and nephews being in their twenties, the oldest turning thirty next month, I realized that not everything is meant to be shared. And that’s okay.  (For the record, both my step-mom and sister are doing well. Both underwent treatment that appears to be successful in battling/managing the disease.)

Most of my nieces and nephews follow me on Facebook and read the columns I post to my Wall. As do their friends. They read at their own risk. If I say something particularly shocking I get a Facebook message or a phone call or text. With all that in mind, I now feel more guarded about what I share publicly. And not just with my family in mind.

Inevitably, a dating blogger writes that post about how their blog affects their love life or about how someone they dated found their blog. I’ve said it a thousand times and this will make a thousand and one: dating bloggers are deluding themselves if they think they’ll eventually find that one amazing man or woman who is totally comfortable dating a blogger. I don’t care how cautious and sensitive you think you are being, the idea that you’re dating someone who considers every conversation and activity to be possible content for a blog post is unsettling. Manage this issue ineffectively, and kiss your love life good bye. For real.

I was having a conversation with my friend J. the other day. I was telling her my hesitancy to discuss The Teacher on the blog. He knew up about, of course. One night we sat in bed and he read several posts. It was the first time in a long time I had done that with anyone other than Tad. When The Teacher and I ended things, there was so much I wanted to say here, but chose not to. While there was no ill will or hurt feelings beyond general sadness and disappointment, I still didn’t want him to know how vulnerable I felt. Not while I was still vulnerable. Plus, I genuinely like him as a person and never wanted to say something that he could construe as negative. There was no lying or verbose musings or excuses. It just didn’t last. I didn’t want to publicly revel in yet another “failure.” I was already beating myself up. To write it all out  and relive it would have been far too painful.

There are other guys, guys that didn’t handle things as well, who don’t merit that consideration.  These are the people that bloggers shouldn’t write about because we’re simply giving them what they want. That’s why you want to keep your private pain..mostly private. Jesus H. Christ on The Cross…do not run to Twitter or Facebook and spend days, weeks and months bemoaning your broken heart. Just don’t. You’re begging for the perpetrator to break back in and ransack your psyche. These people want to believe that they are occupying our thoughts. The funny thing is, that desire to still be relevant to us almost always amps up once we’ve moved on. The minute it becomes clear that we’ve gotten some distance, and maybe a more clear perspective, that’s when they strike. That’s another danger of social media. Share with your followers or readers, through updates or photos,  that you’re happy, content or pre-occupied with something or someone else and you make yourself vulnerable in yet another way.  These ghosts of lovers past do something in the hopes of redirecting your focus back on to them. Maybe they deliver a one-two punch. They make it clear they don’t want you or even let you know they have someone else. At the same time they try to hijack whatever closure you did give yourself so you don’t completely move on. These actions are meant to hurt you, so that that pain will serve as a reminder that they still exist. They’re still out there. Lurking.

If people like this were any more transparent, they’d be clear.

To answer Cougel’s question about whether or not bloggers should be sharing when they’re feeling vulnerable, my answer is…no. It’s not healthy for our self-esteem. And let’s face it. The fact that we’re here doing what we’re doing demonstrates how fluid our self-esteem can be. It opens us up to the possibility of criticism. And if we’re feeling raw, that’s really not what we want to hear. Especially if what we’re really doing when we write such posts is looking for a round of attaboys. Readers know when we’re pandering, and they’ll call us out out on it, making us feel worse.

The reality is, people aren’t waiting with bated breath for what we say next. (Unless, of course, they want to see if we’re writing about them.)  We’re really not that important. Sick? Don’t blog. Sad? Don’t blog. Have nothing at all to say? Don’t. Blog. There’s nothing worse than reading something that you know was slapped together because the blogger is terrified of not posting for fear of losing traffic or hits or followers.  They write something just to fill the space. A blogger never wants to get to that point where their blog or blog persona is the focal point of their world and identity. That’s the dark side. That’s why I think it’s good to step away and restrain yourself here and there.

It can get really easy to grow accustomed to writing whatever comes in to your head. That’s a bad habit to form, because before you know it you’re doing that in all forms of communication, all the time. We totally lose our ability to filter. Everything becomes public domain. I can remember reading a story last year about a date that a woman had with someone she met online. She told the guy about her blog, they went out, the date went poorly. She came back and just trashed the guy online. When people asked her if maybe she was being a little cruel since he could read what she wrote, she and other commenters piped in with, “He knew she was a blogger!! He asked for it!”

Well, no. To a large portion of rest of the world, otherwise known as non-bloggers/Tweeters/Facebookers, things we say in private conversations are assumed to be private. It doesn’t occur to people that they’ll end up being blog fodder.

I guess what I’m saying in this windy little rant cum introspective post is that it’s not such a bad thing to keep some stuff to yourself. I think, as bloggers, we have this sadistic need to punish ourselves. We thrive off of feeling wounded and get off on people telling us how witty/brave/strong/talented/awesome we are. The more blogs I read, the more aware I become of how I sound. That, if anything, has made me more cautious about what I share here and what I leave for conversations with friends.

Some bloggers like to say, “Blog like nobody is watching!”

Meh. I disagree.

Blog like everybody is watching.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Blogging, Deaing With an Ex, Deep Thoughts, Latests Posts, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today

Is He Leading Her On?

June 6, 2011 by 55 Comments

Hi Moxie, (hopefully) quick question from the guy-side of the relationship spectrum.  My quick question is – if you are the guy in a FWB situation, how often would you confirm with your partner that this indeed isn’t a committed relationship?  It goes something like this – met a girl, we dated 6 months. Then we broke up, neither of us saw a future together.  After a ‘cooling off’ month or two, we got together for a drink and she proposed a FWB situation.  Being a red blooded man, I said yes.  We had that arrangement for a few months, she asked if I would like to do a Caribbean Island over the 4th.  After sex at her place one night, we booked a trip online (Turks & Caicos). Everything seemed peachy from my POV until one of my friends expressed surprise that we planned a trip together.  She thinks that the woman might assume this means the FWB relationship we agreed to has developed in to something more.

Would it be worth clarifying that nothing has changed for me in the last few months?  Most of our emails are arranging schedules, while most of our in-person conversation is catching up, so I guess this would best be done in-person if it needs to be done at all.

Sincerely,

M – 37 – NYC

Would it be worth clarifying that nothing has changed for me in the last few months?

That depends. Were the tickets non-refundable? I’m only half joking. This is something that should have been clarified before the trip was booked.If she is assuming that you’re more than FWB, this is going  to take the wind out of her sails. Now that money she spent (please, dear God, tell me she booked her own ticket) is going to possibly go to waste.

Being a red blooded man, I said yes.

Oh no, brah. You’re not going to use that lame excuse. You guys need to pick a side and stick to it. Either you want women to see your as human beings with feelings who know how to control their testosterone or you don’t.  Ya ain’t helping the cause, my brother.  You and she already had the relationship. It didn’t work. There’s no takesies backsies. She basically came back to you and proposed a similar arrangement as last time. Only this new arrangement involved no obligation or exclusivity on your part. At least that’s probably how she sold it to you.

You’re telling me that this woman was your only option for sex and so, despite the numerous emotional landmines that could happen given your history, you still went through with it? You’re way too old to be that naive.

But we both know you’re not that naive at all, don’t we :)

Now let me sink my teeth in to her. Let’s say I’m going out with a man. After 6 months we break up. Now, if I’m breaking up with him after that amount of time, it’s because we’re not on the same page in terms of what we want. 6 months of dating means there was “chemistry”, attraction and mutual interests/rapport. So if she was the one to break up with you, it’s most likely that she did so because you didn’t want to commit, yes? If so, then her going back to you and proposing FWB is basically her saying, “I’ve agreed to bone you on your terms.” Now, she’s obviously playing this very well – kudos – because she got you to BOOK A TRIP TO TURKS & CAICOS WITH HER.And she’s clearly avoiding having the conversation, too, as she knows it will probably ruin things. So she’s staying quiet. You both are. That’s another reason why I think she’s hoping things will naturally progress to commitmentville.  Could she be worrying that you might be getting attached and she doesn’t want to rock the boat? I guess anything is possible.

Would it be worth clarifying that nothing has changed for me in the last few months?

It sounds to me like you like and enjoy this woman. You just don’t want to commit to her. So when you have this six month performance review, that’s what you need to stress. Yes, you need to check in with her, as she very well might be assuming that you two have slipped back in to relationship mode or because she might be worried that the things are now going beyond the scope of what was originally intended. The real question is whether you should do it before the trip or after, and I think that hinges on whether or not you can get your money back. If you can’t, keep your trap shut until the trip is over. Who knows? You might come around and decide the time together has made you want to have a real relationship. But if you can get some or all of your money back, speak up before the trip.

I don’t think you need to do it face to face. If you feel a face to face conversation then you obviously genuinely care for her to some degree. That’s a good thing. I just don’t get why you weren’t just having a full on relationship. I mean, other than you want to have your cake and eat it too. But then, she’s serving it up to you on a silver platter so…

I don’t know. It would be one thing if you and she went out a few times and one of you  or both of you determined that there was no romantic future. But you guys had a relationship. I don’t know why you’d ever think this could possibly work. Nor do I understand why this woman would go back to you and suggest this and would believe that it wouldn’t end badly.

This is just a relationship without the commitment, no?

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Filed Under: casual sex, Dating, Deaing With an Ex, Hook Up Culture, Latests Posts, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict Tagged With:

A Sticky Situation

May 18, 2011 by 8 Comments

So here’s the situation…

You’ve been on a couple dates with someone. They invite you to an “industry” event. As fate would have it, you learn that an ex-lover – one with whom you have a tumultuous  history  -  is attending the same event because he/she works in said “industry.”

What do you do?

Do you:

1. Tell your date about the person from your past being at the party so he/she is in the know and can help you navigate and avoid any possible uncomfortable situation?

2. Say nothing. just calm the eff down and go have fun?

3. Make an excuse to bow out of the event?

My answer is number 1.

 

What Would You Do?

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Deaing With an Ex, Latests Posts