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Can You Ever *Really* Unravel The Mystery of Why Someone Dumped You?

October 8, 2012 by 29 Comments

Name: Westley in SF
Age: 36
State:
Question: Six years ago, I dated and eventually got engaged to the love of my life. Five and a half years ago, the engagement ended with her mailing the ring back, and we haven’t spoken since. I’ve tried, I’ve emailed, called, texted, written, pleaded, begged, but she won’t see me and won’t talk to me, although she does email and respond to me.

The post isn’t about her though. I’m just giving you some background. The point is that I’ve never had any closure and honestly haven’t been able to emotionally move on.

That’s not to say I haven’t tried, I have. I date often and since the breakup, I have honestly been crushing it. Women seem are really attracted to the slightly older, heartbroken bachelor, especially girls in their 20s (I call it being Hank Moody). I have dated casually and I’ve dated seriously. I am a great boyfriend, I know what to do, but all too often it feels like I am going through the motions. The spark isn’t there, I’m doing things, like sending flowers or leaving notes to find, because I know they are what women want, not because I’m impassioned about them. I even lived with one girlfriend, in an attempt at settling down, but that didn’t work.

Since then I’ve had a different opinion of dating… I meet a lot of amazing women — gorgeous, smart, successful, funny, fun, etc — and I enjoy their company, but I find that I don’t actually want to date any of these women. I don’t want to go through the end of a failed relationship with them, I’d rather be friends with them. Instead I date girls, sorry how this sounds, that are beneath me in education, career, socio-economic status, and the such. They’re good girls too, but I only date the ones I am comfortable excising completely from my life.

I guess I wanted to know if this is normal, being unable to move on and being resigned to a life of permanent bachelorhood. Should I be honest with one of these amazing women that I’m an emotional cripple? Or should I keep silent as I keep dating, hoping that I might eventually find someone who can help me move on? Or am I a particularly pathetic case of a broken heart?

Your ability to attach and detach seems to have been seriously affected by your broken engagement. I don’t know if it’s closure that you’re looking for, because we can give that to ourselves if we choose to. Something about how she ended things has taken a huge chunk from your ego and self-esteem. The only way to get it back is to rebuild it yourself, I’m afraid.

That’s the basis of most people’s need for closure. We don’t really want answers or to know why things ended. The why doesn’t really matter. What we want is to believe that the other person cared enough to acknowledge our hurt and pain. I’d guess that in the majority of cases, those of us who have sought closure at some point weren’t even given the truth. We were told what we wanted to hear because the other person wanted to unburden themselves in some way. Either they no longer wished to deal with us, no longer wanted to fear repercussions or just wanted to get rid of their own guilty conscience. Extending the olive branch, so to speak, is for their benefit. Not ours. It’s disingenuous. I honestly believe that, only in the rarest of cases, do we get the truth. And you know what? I would almost guarantee we wouldn’t want it anyway. That’s why the idea of closure is a myth. It doesn’t really exist.

Is what you’re experiencing “normal?” No. But it is common and even typical, especially when someone was excised the way it seems you were. It sounds like it was sudden and rather cold. To be frank, if I’m following the timeline correctly, this whole thing sounds impulsive and rushed. That makes me wonder if maybe there aren’t deeper issues going on here. Like maybe you get attached too quickly, thereby making it harder to detach?  To get engaged and then un-engaged in six months implies that the relationship itself wasn’t all that strong to begin with. As an aside, I find engagements that happen after a year or less to be questionable, but that’s me.

Mailing someone’s engagement ring back to them and refusing to see them sounds odd. Usually, the woman keeps the ring or has the decency to return it in person. If she’s not willing to face you and give that ring back, it makes me think she feels a tremendous amount of guilt about something. Now you’re trying to unravel the mystery of what really happened. That would explain your need for closure. There’s a piece to the puzzle that’s missing and you can’t move on without it.

I think you want to know whether she ever cared for you at all. The problem with asking a question like this is that you don’t want the truth here. Nor are you likely to get it. She’ll hide behind plausible deniability. She’ll never admit the truth.  Ergo, your pursuit of closure might be pointless. I think you need to accept that. Doing so might allow you to start healing enough to find something substantive and healthy.

Like I said, beyond what I’ve shared I don’t think I’m qualified to address your concern too deeply. This sounds like something you need to work through with a professional, if only to give you a second pair of eyes to help you uncover that last puzzle piece. You probably have it already. You just need someone to help you find it.

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Closure, Dating, Dating After Divorce, Dating Over 40, Deep Thoughts, Dysfunction Junction Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Am I Sluttier Than I Thought?

January 6, 2012 by 37 Comments

I’ve spent my morning consuming far too much coffee and reading Susan Walsh’s blog Hooking Up Smart.

Reading blogs like this make me realize just how limited I am when it comes to understanding Hook Up Culture, Red Pill Culture, etc.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. In general, I’ve found that the more I over think something, the more often I fail. The more I acknowledge something, the more frequently it works against me.

As I was reading the posts over at HUS I began to feel doubt creep in. I began to question my choices and actions.  But then, that’s the point of these blogs. To get people to consider POV’s other than their own, and they do this quite well.

For example, here’s Susan’t perspective on the double standards and male/female promiscuity

I’ve stated before that my interest in sex (and who’s having it) is a strategic one. I’m not concerned with moral questions around casual sex. Indeed, I do not believe that casual sex is immoral. My opposition to casual sex is rooted in the belief that it is a risky strategy for women who wish to ultimately settle with a life partner. This is not to say that promiscuous women will be unable to marry, just that promiscuity limits one’s options by dramatically shrinking the pool of potentially interested partners. There is also some evidence that the prior number of sexual partners, as well as the age at which women lose their virginity, are risk factors for divorce. (More about male promiscuity in a bit.)

Ultimately, my position re casual sex means that there will be times when I will applaud a male for having gotten laid, while withholding approval from a female for the same behavior. This is simply a reflection of my position that men and women experience sex differently, and judge one another accordingly. It is a double standard, one that’s built in, and 40+ years of feminism’s trying to “reeducate” men and women has been an unmitigated failure. I believe that it’s possible, though by no means guaranteed, that a man may profit from a casual sexual encounter. I believe it’s also possible, though much less likely, that a woman may benefit from a casual sexual encounter.

Now, here’s what I want to know…how would a man know how many partners a woman has had unless she tells him? I’m probably oversimplifying things but how would this information ever come to light unless it was intentionally shared? While I do not disagree that no man or woman wants to know that their partner has “slept around,” unless that fact is confirmed by an admission, it’s all just conjecture and assumption.

I guess the way it goes is that, if a woman sleeps with a man “too soon” or “early” or without commitment then that means she’s done it a lot, yes?  Am I being naive to think that many men are far more evolved that that and either don’t even consider that or just don’t care? And is there always a connection between a man’s unwillingness to commit and his partner’s presumed sexual history? Maybe he just doesn’t commit period? Maybe women just like to point to sex as the reason men dump them because it lays the blame on men and doesn’t subject her judgment to scrutiny and criticism?

Is this one of those things I just blindly choose to ignore because I don’t buy it or feel I’ve been judged because of it? Like how I don’t think society gives a hoot if I’m single or not? Or am I intentionally ignoring all of this because it doesn’t jive with the inner narrative I’ve created?

As I’ve said recently the less I’ve thought about all of this, about what men think and how they judge me, the happier I’ve been. And the more successful I’ve been with them. But, let’s not discount the fact that I’ve also shut my trap about my personal life and past experiences.  There has to be a connection there. The question is…what is that connection? Was it the lack of mystery? Was it the sex? Was it the total lack of boundaries and the men feared exposure some way? What exactly was I being judged for? (I’m soooo opening myself up here, and I know it.)

Then there’s the talk over there at HUS about how frequent casual sex eventually takes its toll on a woman’s self-esteem. Which I absolutely agree with. I’ve always said that it wasn’t a woman’s choice of casual sex that I found questionable. It was when all she seemed to have or engage in was casual sex arrangements that I felt pointed to emotional or self-esteem issues. A commenter recently asserted that I offer free pussy to anyone who asks. I suppose to some that is how I appear simply because I advocate having sex when you want to have sex and not as some sort of exchange or bartering attempt. Just choose wisely. Sure, there is room for failure. But if you learn from past experiences then you should be fine. But if you don’t and just keep doing the same thing over and over again, then yes, your self-esteem is going to take  a beating.

The other supposed side effect of frequent “casual” sex is that it interferes with a woman’s ability to form healthy connections with men. I’ll agree once again that this is a real possibility. What I’d argue is that the issues surrounding self-esteem and one’s inability to form healthy connections with others has little to do with sex. The sex might be an outlier of that, but it’s not the cause. Those sort of issues are already present.  The sex just heightens these emotional defects. At least that’s what I think.

I don’t know exactly what I’m saying here. This post probably reads as incredibly disjointed. All I know is that my relationships with men have improved ten fold over the last 12 months or so. The only external change was that I stopped blogging about my private life. The internal change was that I stopped buying in to the “sex too soon” concept and stopped taking everything so personally. So I went from being a one date wonder for the most part to having several month long relationships with men that consisted of vulnerability from both sides,  intimacy and sex. My pursuit or interest in sex never changed. I didn’t hop on any stick that presented itself. Nor did I deprive myself because I feared judgment. I just did what I wanted to do and was able to develop substantive connections with men, something I wasn’t able to do before.  I didn’t find myself frustrated or annoyed or confused.

I guess what I’m asking here is…is there really a right or wrong approach? Doesn’t it all come down to the two people involved and whatever issues they might have?

Is casual sex the cause of a woman’s inability to form healthy connections…or was that defect already present and pursuing casual sex is just a by product of that?

Most importantly,  are any of these ideas even true? Do men really care about a woman’s sexual history or are they more evolved than that?

Is casual sex really to blame for why many women can’t find healthy relationships?

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: casual sex, Dating, Dating & Blogging, Dating Over 40, Deep Thoughts, Hook Up Culture, Latests Posts, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Why Aren’t Men As Obsessed With Dating As Women Are?

October 12, 2011 by 54 Comments

Name: Bree
State: DC
Age: 34
Comment: Moxie,
Why has there been such a inundation of questions, concerns, and comments all regarding men that revolve around how they think, what they want, don’t want, how to get and keep a man etc etc etc….?
Lately I’ve been wondering do men have all these discussions revolving around women? jmo- but I have yet to see numerous blogs, public forums, articles, and discussions from men about how to keep women and what women want and how women think? Not saying there aren’t any, but not nearly as many articles and discussions on men trying to get and keep women. I think this is one of the reasons why women have so many issues with men and find it so hard to get and keep a man. We put waaaaay too much thought and effort into it instead of just being ourselves and letting a man come to us who appreciates and respects and wants us for who we are, just as we are. I have been watching the Tough Love show lately with the host (a guy) trying to teach women how to get and keep a man. I have never seen a show where a female host taught men how to get, keep and please women. I think that we as women give men too much power and too much of the upper hand. Men know they are a hot commodity nowadays and in high demand and they act on that accordingly. They know the playing field is not level and they can “have it their way” most of the time with many women. I think part of this is women’s fault for putting so much time and effort and discussion into figuring out men’s minds and how to please them and keep them. We have forgotten about us and the discussions about our wants and needs because sometimes we get “a good man” and we’re still not happy and satisfied with him because our needs, wants, and desires as women are not being met consistently. What is your opinion on this new trend of the barrage of discussions and blogs that seem to revolve around what men like, want, need and how to get them, satisfy them, and keep them?

 

I have never seen a show where a female host taught men how to get, keep and please women.

That’s because, I think, men see the spectacularly bad advice women give to each other and have no interest in being tutored by a female. They want to hear it from a man, and those shows and websites absolutely exist. (As a side note, I actually like Steve Ward and think he gives some great advice. ) As someone said recently, women are kind of screwed in that we don’t really get the advice we need. We get the advice we want. Our female friends are either handling us with kid gloves because they fear the loss of a friendship OR they’re sabotaging us on either a conscious or unconscious level.

We have forgotten about us and the discussions about our wants and needs because sometimes we get “a good man” and we’re still not happy and satisfied with him because our needs, wants, and desires as women are not being met consistently.

And that right there is the answer to your question, Bree.  All of these forums and blogs and whatnot where women gather to to discuss men is just an online version of what we do with friends. We’re not really looking for answers when we poll our friends on what to do. We’re just looking to complain and vent and be told what we want to hear. These forums encourage and fuel our self-obsession. That’s what social media in general has done…made us all famous. Now it’s all “Look at ME!”

I strongly disagree that we’ve forgotten about us. If anything, it’s just the opposite. We’re so consumed with ourselves that we don’t have the mental bandwith needed to consider men. We say that’s what we’re doing and we say that’s what we want. But is it? Because somewhere along the way these sites went from being about distributing information and building a community to just bitching and mocking the opposite sex. It’s just a bunch of white noise disguised as introspection. The women who really do want insight and want to change are usually lost amongst the masses or being misguided.

Why do blogs exist? Many exist to blame men as the reason why those particular women are single. Forget the fact that they’ve gone on so many dates that they’ve lost count and nothing has materialized. It’s not them. It’s the guys. They’re wishy washy, creepy, lazy, sex addicts only after one thing, ruled by their hormones who all want to bang 20 year olds. Like Angeline said in a recent comment, putting men on a public spit and roasting them is a great way to distract people from the real issue – THEM.

These writers will lay out their list of standards and tell men they have to “man-up”…and then, by the end of date one or two, just because the man asked them out via phone instead of text, she’ll be in his bed. (That just happened to my friend M. with a woman he met on OKCupid. Found her blog, read it, went out with her and she was in his bed by date 2. So much for all those standards and rules, huh?) But if she does that, she’s empowered. In fact, if she expresses any fondness for sex she either endlessly defends her right to it or she’s heralded as a sexually empowered woman. But if a man does that? Why, he’s a creep or a dog or a player. If she pursues casual sex and is rejected, the man is said to be threatened by her overt sexuality. It’s never, “Uh, maybe he thought you were a creeper. Or crazy. Or pushy.” It’s

Then there’s the endless barrage of essays from women promoting the upside of singledom and how being single is the single most singley thing a single can do. How is this supposed to convince men we are emotionally available and want a relationship? And then the next story is about her 545th online date gone wrong or bad attempt at a booty call.

That’s the disconnect. The inconsistency and frequency of all the messages out there.

Men know they are a hot commodity nowadays and in high demand and they act on that accordingly. They know the playing field is not level and they can “have it their way” most of the time with many women. I think part of this is women’s fault for putting so much time and effort and discussion into figuring out men’s minds and how to please them and keep them.

Exactly! By being so vocal about how we’re fed up with men and not going to take it anymore, all we’re really doing is letting men know that we have fallen for their tricks before and quite possibly will again. When women broadcast their frustrations by getting all “I am woman hear me roar” they’re letting men know that they are vulnerable. Basically, we’re handing off our playbook to the other team by being so public about all of it.  Why should men up their game, so to speak, when they know there are so many women out there with flimsy standards?  Even the good guys will take an opening should they see it. We make ourselves ripe for the picking. The chickens are coming home to roost, y’all. And it ain’t gonna be pretty.

There are a few forums out there where men gather to discuss women. But it’s not in the “Omigod, do you think she likes me?” vein. It’s more, “Women did this to themselves” type stuff. (Hint: We kinda did.) And no, those sites aren’t the PUA stories that we’re familiar with. These are stable, functional, able men who are now reaping the benefits of all this inconsistency and inter-gender competition. Or they are a collection of guys who, like women, have decided to forgo women all together because they don’t feel any of it is worth it. (Do yourself a favor, people, and read this site. And this one. )

I get why publicly complaining about men is so popular. Obviously. But now all that stuff is just so pervasive and overwhelming. Twitter, Blogs, Facebook…..it’s everywhere. You can’t avoid it. It just feels like too much. It’s oppressive and suffocating.  It’s not encouraging growth or accountability. If anything it’s stunting us.

The only way to change this is to stop airing our dirty laundry and to stop indulging this negativity and start being more honest with ourselves that we are a part of the problem. We have contributed to the passivity of men by both publicly beating them down and not constructing and honoring our own personal codes of behavior.

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Filed Under: casual sex, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Blogging, Deep Thoughts, Hook Up Culture, Latests Posts, Sex

Has Dating Become Too “Loosey-Goosey?”

June 30, 2011 by 66 Comments

Name: Confused on Dating |  | Location: Manhattan , Ny |Question: I met this guy at a party, instant attraction. We went out to dinner and many drinks, I was so attracted to him and tipsy, I brought him back to my house and we got busy.  Since our first night, we continued to go out to nice dinner and drinks 3 nights a week and usually back to my house and a couple times his house.  We must have went out 12 times now in the past month. Here’s the issue.  I spent the night at his house twice, he only spent the night at my house once. WHY DONT DUDES SPEND THE NIGHT?

Ok, next thing… so after another nice night of dinner, and drinks, we go back to my house and conversation comes up that I ask him if hes sleeping with anybody. He responds that i’m the only one hes sleeping with without a condom.  I said “Ok, what about with a condom… he said one girl. I dont have a girlfriend. He mentioned that he doesnt want a girlfriend because he just got out of a 3 year relationship.  Im confused. Im not sure what to do at this point. Im not into sharing. I think this changes things for me.  I do like him.  But I dont think I can handle chilling at home thinking “is he banging that other chick”. I guess this is what guys do when they arent exclusive?  At least he was honest right? Is he doing what other men dont do and be upfront? I know the dude is digging me… but to what point?  I guess my options are to bounce or continue with this… What is the norm? |Age: 36

 

Holy balls. Okay. I need a moment.

First of all, what’s with the bareback sex? Ok, wait. I know the answer to that. I do. I’ve done it. I like it. I don’t mean to get judgey. But we both know that’s risky. Please don’t be that reckless with yourself.

Since our first night, we continued to go out to nice dinner and drinks 3 nights a week and usually back to my house and a couple times his house.

Uh huh. Swell. But drinks and dinner do not a relationship make.

Here’s the issue.  I spent the night at his house twice, he only spent the night at my house once. WHY DONT DUDES SPEND THE NIGHT?

There are many reason they don’t spend the night. The main one being..they don’t want to. They’re not with you for the closeness or intimacy. There with you because you allow them to have sex with you without a condom and probably don’t push them to integrate you in to their lives in any substantive way. 12 dates? Have you met his friends? Ever been out  somewhere other than dinner or drinks? Do you do things that involve actual interaction and stimulation? Or do you two just wolf down some food, toss back a couple drinks and then screw? You’re wondering why he’s not making effort or showing signs that he truly cares about you. That’s why you’re confused. You actually believe he’s with you because he has feelings for you. So many of us say it all the time…men don’t need to have feelings for someone just to have sex with them or spend time with them. They don’t.

He responds that i’m the only one hes sleeping with without a condom.  I said “Ok, what about with a condom… he said one girl. I dont have a girlfriend.

Well, let’s think about this. He rarely spends the night and he’s sleeping with someone else. So..he could have a girlfriend. You really don’t know either way, now do you?

I know the dude is digging me… but to what point?

Until the point where he a) gets bored with you b) feels like you’re approaching that point where you’ll ask where things are going or c) meets someone he does want to commit to. Could that person be you? Anything is possible. But the fact that he’s telling you he’s sleeping with someone else tells me he has absolutely no designs on having anything real with you. In fact, he could be making that up strictly to keep you from getting attached. He’s making sure, by not staying over and by telling you he’s sleeping with someone else, that there is a separation of sorts between you and him.

I guess this is what guys do when they arent exclusive?  At least he was honest right? Is he doing what other men dont do and be upfront?

I’ll stop you here. You’re trying to make this guy seem better than he is and trying to convince yourself you mean more to him than you do. You’re rationalizing your decision to continue sleeping with him. You don’t have to rationalize it. You want to keep sleeping with him, do it. With a condom. And keep dating. Just know that there’s an expiration date here. You have no idea if he was actually being honest. Don’t assign characteristics to him like that to make him seem more ideal. You asked a question. He answered. That’s what we’re supposed to do. We’re supposed to be honest. Don’t praise him for doing what he’s supposed to do. That will quickly spiral in to you making excuses for bad behavior.

I guess my options are to bounce or continue with this… What is the norm?

The norm appears to be what you’re doing. Waiting it out. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it will. But this is what “traditional dating” has become. It’s all very loosey-goosey. Lots of people are not signing on the dotted line and closing the deal. Many of us are constantly in transition. We’re apprehensive about locking ourselves in to something. Personally, I think this is about our fear or ambivalence towards intimacy brought on by the lack of faith people have in monogamy and marriage. I mean, every week there’s a new story of someone cheating on their appears to be ideal mate. So many aspects of our society are tenuous. The economy. The state of family and marriage. Our government. Many of us have just lost faith. We don’t know who or what to believe because everybody has a different angle or experience. There’s no set formula that works.

I want to say that you should hold out for a guy that can offer you what you want. The problem I have with that is that I don’t really know if that’s realistic anymore. My friend S. was telling me about her online dating experience and how the last five guys or so all seemed to be looking for just sex. They’d take her out several times, hold her hand, act romantic. But they all, when asked what they were looking for, revealed their lack of desire for a serious relationship.  She met a guy that she’s been seeing for a couple months now, the only one she slept with, and he’s told her that he isn’t looking for commitment. But she likes him. And they have fun together. And the sex is great. And they’re going away for the Fourth of July.   She asked me if the fact that she wasn’t walking away from her meant she was desperate. She’s a few years younger than I am, 37, and the reality is..this behavior that this man is exhibiting is common. Getting a man or woman our age to commit and give up their freedom…it isn’t easy.

As long as there are men and women out there willing to engage in these situations, they’ll continue.

The question is, is there really any harm in that? People will check in and say the OP slept with him too soon. Well, this guy probably would have stuck it out a few dates and she would have slept with him eventually and things would still be going the way they’re going. She could have asked him earlier what his deal was and who else he was seeing. Maybe at that point he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. Or he could have lied because he didn’t know her well enough to know how she’d react. There’s just no way to sniff these people out except to lock it all up, reveal little and wait. If he is one of those relationship guys, he’s likely to bail or lose interest because he’s tired of doing all the work or feels she’s not emotionally available.

So what do we do?

Since traditional dating is changing, doesn’t it stand to reason that the traditional idea of commitment should also change? I think that’s the real issue. It’s not that these men and women are apprehensive about getting emotionally intimate with someone. They’re just not comfortable with the idea of traditional commitment or obligation or monogamy. Okay. What’s the happy medium? Is there one?

I’m as confused about that as everyone else. I wish I had an answer. I don’t. I don’t mean to make this sound dour. I still believe that there are many people out there want to find one person with whom they can invite along on their journey through life. But I also believe that “long -term commitment” means something different to everyone.

What if we were to throw away all those terms and words? How would that change how we date? What if we took that stuff off the table or at least downplayed it? What would happen, do you think?

 

 

 


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Filed Under: Dating, Deep Thoughts, Latests Posts, Sex, Standards & Preferences, Traditional Dating Rules, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Blog Like Everybody Is Watching

June 15, 2011 by 18 Comments

As a blogger, we choose to put ourselves out there. When I’m feeling strong, when things are good, it’s a lot easier to write an honest post that still manages to conceal the private stuff that is too risky to share, especially when I’m aware of exes, co-workers, close friends, and people I know reading it.
People ask me how I do it. “Isn’t it tricky to promote your own blog to people – to new friends, including potential future mates?” The answer is, absolutely. It is tricky. You could say that I, or any writer or blogger, takes a chance each time she directs someone to a public journal of sorts that exposes her vulnerabilities, conflicts, and history. Isnt that the stuff that people should discover about you over time, if they (and you) want to?

Should bloggers be sharing, even when they are wary to, or have nothing to say? – Cougel

When my step-mother was diagnosed with breast cancer back in October, I didn’t find out until about week after everyone else in my family. I asked my Dad why nobody had called me to tell me. He said that he had so many other things on his 86 – year old mind that he forgot. And then he said,

“It’s not like it’s something you broadcast over the Internet”

Huh. Touche, Dad.

When my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer two months later, I found out right away. But now that her kids are older and in their twenties, I am hyper-aware of the fact that what I write here might unsettle them or violate their privacy. With all of my nieces and nephews being in their twenties, the oldest turning thirty next month, I realized that not everything is meant to be shared. And that’s okay.  (For the record, both my step-mom and sister are doing well. Both underwent treatment that appears to be successful in battling/managing the disease.)

Most of my nieces and nephews follow me on Facebook and read the columns I post to my Wall. As do their friends. They read at their own risk. If I say something particularly shocking I get a Facebook message or a phone call or text. With all that in mind, I now feel more guarded about what I share publicly. And not just with my family in mind.

Inevitably, a dating blogger writes that post about how their blog affects their love life or about how someone they dated found their blog. I’ve said it a thousand times and this will make a thousand and one: dating bloggers are deluding themselves if they think they’ll eventually find that one amazing man or woman who is totally comfortable dating a blogger. I don’t care how cautious and sensitive you think you are being, the idea that you’re dating someone who considers every conversation and activity to be possible content for a blog post is unsettling. Manage this issue ineffectively, and kiss your love life good bye. For real.

I was having a conversation with my friend J. the other day. I was telling her my hesitancy to discuss The Teacher on the blog. He knew up about, of course. One night we sat in bed and he read several posts. It was the first time in a long time I had done that with anyone other than Tad. When The Teacher and I ended things, there was so much I wanted to say here, but chose not to. While there was no ill will or hurt feelings beyond general sadness and disappointment, I still didn’t want him to know how vulnerable I felt. Not while I was still vulnerable. Plus, I genuinely like him as a person and never wanted to say something that he could construe as negative. There was no lying or verbose musings or excuses. It just didn’t last. I didn’t want to publicly revel in yet another “failure.” I was already beating myself up. To write it all out  and relive it would have been far too painful.

There are other guys, guys that didn’t handle things as well, who don’t merit that consideration.  These are the people that bloggers shouldn’t write about because we’re simply giving them what they want. That’s why you want to keep your private pain..mostly private. Jesus H. Christ on The Cross…do not run to Twitter or Facebook and spend days, weeks and months bemoaning your broken heart. Just don’t. You’re begging for the perpetrator to break back in and ransack your psyche. These people want to believe that they are occupying our thoughts. The funny thing is, that desire to still be relevant to us almost always amps up once we’ve moved on. The minute it becomes clear that we’ve gotten some distance, and maybe a more clear perspective, that’s when they strike. That’s another danger of social media. Share with your followers or readers, through updates or photos,  that you’re happy, content or pre-occupied with something or someone else and you make yourself vulnerable in yet another way.  These ghosts of lovers past do something in the hopes of redirecting your focus back on to them. Maybe they deliver a one-two punch. They make it clear they don’t want you or even let you know they have someone else. At the same time they try to hijack whatever closure you did give yourself so you don’t completely move on. These actions are meant to hurt you, so that that pain will serve as a reminder that they still exist. They’re still out there. Lurking.

If people like this were any more transparent, they’d be clear.

To answer Cougel’s question about whether or not bloggers should be sharing when they’re feeling vulnerable, my answer is…no. It’s not healthy for our self-esteem. And let’s face it. The fact that we’re here doing what we’re doing demonstrates how fluid our self-esteem can be. It opens us up to the possibility of criticism. And if we’re feeling raw, that’s really not what we want to hear. Especially if what we’re really doing when we write such posts is looking for a round of attaboys. Readers know when we’re pandering, and they’ll call us out out on it, making us feel worse.

The reality is, people aren’t waiting with bated breath for what we say next. (Unless, of course, they want to see if we’re writing about them.)  We’re really not that important. Sick? Don’t blog. Sad? Don’t blog. Have nothing at all to say? Don’t. Blog. There’s nothing worse than reading something that you know was slapped together because the blogger is terrified of not posting for fear of losing traffic or hits or followers.  They write something just to fill the space. A blogger never wants to get to that point where their blog or blog persona is the focal point of their world and identity. That’s the dark side. That’s why I think it’s good to step away and restrain yourself here and there.

It can get really easy to grow accustomed to writing whatever comes in to your head. That’s a bad habit to form, because before you know it you’re doing that in all forms of communication, all the time. We totally lose our ability to filter. Everything becomes public domain. I can remember reading a story last year about a date that a woman had with someone she met online. She told the guy about her blog, they went out, the date went poorly. She came back and just trashed the guy online. When people asked her if maybe she was being a little cruel since he could read what she wrote, she and other commenters piped in with, “He knew she was a blogger!! He asked for it!”

Well, no. To a large portion of rest of the world, otherwise known as non-bloggers/Tweeters/Facebookers, things we say in private conversations are assumed to be private. It doesn’t occur to people that they’ll end up being blog fodder.

I guess what I’m saying in this windy little rant cum introspective post is that it’s not such a bad thing to keep some stuff to yourself. I think, as bloggers, we have this sadistic need to punish ourselves. We thrive off of feeling wounded and get off on people telling us how witty/brave/strong/talented/awesome we are. The more blogs I read, the more aware I become of how I sound. That, if anything, has made me more cautious about what I share here and what I leave for conversations with friends.

Some bloggers like to say, “Blog like nobody is watching!”

Meh. I disagree.

Blog like everybody is watching.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Blogging, Deaing With an Ex, Deep Thoughts, Latests Posts, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today

All The Right Moves

June 4, 2011 by 10 Comments

Her Facebook message consisted of one line:

Why does he have to be so cold?

She’s spent the last 3 months trying to move on with her life. Dating other guys. Going out with her girlfriends. Traveling. Anything to help her forget that day when she found out her boyfriend of a year and a half had cheated on her.  He was on her cell phone plan and was having trouble with his phone. She offered to take it back to the retailer to see if they could fix it. The Geek Squad-ish guy behind the counter managed to solve the problem. He suggested she test the homescreen icons to be sure they worked. She touched each one to ensure the proper screen came up. Settings? Check. Music? Check. Texts? Check.

Wait.

The word “cock” jumped out at her. She looked at the message more closely. She didn’t write it. She tapped the screen and pulled up the text. There were days worth of messages between her boyfriend and this woman. She was able to infer that he had slept with her.

Too afraid to lose the message, she called her boyfriend from her phone and asked him to meet her at a nearby bar for a drink. She placed his phone on the bar, with the message open. He arrived and greeted her with a kiss. She wasted no time.

“What the fuck is this?”

She held the phone up to him, like someone holding a biscuit just out of reach of a dog. He moved in to grab the phone. She pulled it back.

She turned the phone so she could read the message. Aloud.

“No, we’re not engaged. I won’t do that until i know I’m truly ready to settle down. I might have flexible morals but I truly believe in marriage. There will be no messing around when I make that decision.”

He had told her when they had begun dating  that he wasn’t sure he believed in marriage. She believed him.

He went on the defensive, saying things hadn’t been working with them for awhile. They had been fighting more in the recent months. They were barely having sex. What was he supposed to do?

She knew what he was doing. He was trying to blame her. It worked for a couple weeks. She wrestled with forgiving him. Things had been rough the last couple months. His job was insane. His boss was a tyrant. He was pulling away and she knew it. She could have pulled the plug. She didn’t. She became that girl she had always pitied. The one who grilled her boyfriend for his whereabouts and withheld sex to be hurtful. He, in turn, would get defensive when they fought. She should have known that was his guilty conscience talking. Why didn’t she call him on it? Why did she let get away with it for so long?

For a month she blamed herself. The next two she spent rebuilding her self-esteem. She felt as though she had finally – finally – shook it off. Her friend thought she was doing the right thing by telling her. She really did.

The photo made it abundantly clear that he had moved on. Was the girl in the photo, who was no older than 21, the same girl who sent the texts? She didn’t know.

Nor did she want to.

She asked me again how he could be so cold. I told her that he was always that way. She just chose not to see it.

It’s like he trips and falls in to another relationship. Why is it so easy for him?

What she was really asking is why she wasn’t having as much success despite the fact that she was – in her mind – a good person who tried to do the right thing. I felt for her. He had been her first “grownup” boyfriend. He was “older.” 28. She was 22 when they met. They traveled. They cooked dinner at his “grown up” apartment. She moved in 6 months before they split. He had an impressive job. All the things that most of us, at 22 or 23, find exciting. She wasn’t so much concerned about integrity. It didn’t bother her that he had just gotten out of a long term relationship a month or two before they had started dating. She didn’t really think about that. I told her that most of us would have turned a blind eye to that.

Then I told her the harsh truth. That being a good person really doesn’t count for much in dating. You could do everything “right” and still end up hurt. If someone isn’t feeling it, they aren’t feeling. And 75% of the time it has nothing to do with you. You could accrue all kinds of good karma points and it didn’t really matter. That that was part of the process. And dating overall is a process, I reminded her. A series of lessons.We’re supposed to encounter some not so nice people. That way we can recognize the good ones. But it doesn’t work if we focus on the things that don’t really matter. Like apartments or jobs or clothes or income.

Then I told her this:

It’s amazing how easy it is to find someone when you don’t require much in terms of substance. When you live an inauthentic life – one based on empty, hollow things – then you’re less discerning. All you care about is that they are easily persuaded. This guy? He’ll move on again. Once the new woman he’s dating smartens up and stops being easily impressed. That stuff is interesting for only so long. At some point you require depth. So she’ll either realize that the relationship is built on a house of cards. OR…she’ll get permanently sucked in to the fairy tale he’s created. Now, either way, do you want that to be you? When you’re looking for something real, something lasting…IT’S SUPPOSED TO REQUIRE MORE TIME AND EFFORT. Good relationship don’t just fall in to your lap. Nor do we “trip” in to them. I’ve learned a few things in my 42 years. Starting with this: Everything happens for a reason. You were supposed to go through this because you’re supposed to end up with someone good. This blip educated you on the importance of communication and trusting your gut. And it taught you to spot certain signs of dishonesty and guilt. Now you have to take those lessons and apply them to your next relationship.

The other thing I’ve learned is that water seeks its own level. This guy, the one you dated? He’s soulless. An empty vessel. When the water doesn’t reach very high, then you have more options, because you aren’t looking for much. Just enough enough to cover you and sustain you. That is, until the water evaporates and the level drops. The higher the water, the longer things last. Basically…focus on shallow things and you’ll meet shallow people and nothing will sustain. So stop doing that.

Finally…I do believe in Karma. I also believe that The Universe ALWAYS provides us with moments that alert us to the fact that it has evened the score for us. So there’s no need to try and hurt him with words or seek revenge. You won’t have to. Don’t think for a moment that in the dark recesses of his mind he doesn’t worry about the anvil that looms over his head dropping on him one day.  That is, if he has a conscience. If he doesn’t, then thank your lucky stars you’re no longer with him. It might not happen in the near future.

But it will happen.

All you can do is stay the path and continue to do the best you can.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Dating, Deep Thoughts, Douchey Guys, Happy & Healthy, Latests Posts, Loneliness, Men & Conflict

Are You a Dating Quitter?

May 31, 2011 by 20 Comments

So here’s the situation. Man replies to a woman’s profile. They exchange a couple messages. He asks where she lives. She says Uptown.  He suggests they meet up and offers a few possible nights. She chooses Friday. He suggests a place in his part of town. Which is all the way downtown for her.

The woman is now wary of what this guy really wants. This is feeling reminiscent of another guy that liked things on his terms. Now she’s in this fearful place. She doesn’t want to be that way, though. She sees what it has done to other women and she doesn’t want to become that. Desensitized, detached…destroyed.  They’ve either given up entirely or settle in to casual sex arrangements. Neither of which makes them sound terribly happy.

So the woman replies to the man and says she lives all the way uptown and hoped they could find a place that’s more central to both, as she works from home. She almost replied and laid her cards on the table and asked what he was looking for. She’s met too many guys in the past eight months who were either emotionally or physically unavailable. Or both. But she knew that would make her look insecure and unwilling to trust. The reality is…she doesn’t know what this guy wants or whether he’s a “good” guy or a “bad” guy. The only way she’ll know is if she meets him. What happened in the past is in the past. Hopefully, she has learned a lesson or three. She needs to clear out all that junk and wipe her mental slate clean. Because she doesn’t want to give up. She doesn’t want to tell herself lies to make herself feel better. She doesn’t want to make excuses so she can reject someone before they reject her first. She also doesn’t want to take a dating “break” because that will give her time to ruminate on the past. She doesn’t want to stop trusting her judgment or lose faith in herself. Those are the things that happen when you begin to question every little thing a man says or does, I’ve found. Been there, done that. And, as Paula says, got the tattoo and had it laser removed. :) I do not want to be branded a dating quitter.

She doesn’t want to write angry blog posts or Tweets that are really just desperate S.O.S attempts to get the guy to acknowledge her. She doesn’t want to contribute to the dating fatigue and passivity that is becoming more and more pervasive out there. She doesn’t want to become a side show act or sad sack, dwelling on her wounds and how she got them so that everybody can come in and chuck her under the chin and tell her how ” brave” she is. By doing this the men could learn, should they be monitoring her in some way, that they somehow broke her.

They didn’t. And even if they did, they can not “un-break” her. So they have no power anyway. They shouldn’t matter.

She knows how she got where she is. She ignored her instincts. And in one case (The Teacher), even though she tried hard and he tried, it just wasn’t right. They weren’t all spectacular failures. They were lessons.

Plus…God damn if this guy doesn’t have a spectacular ass.

I’d be lying if I said I’ve totally lowered my guard. The fact that he suggested a place in his neighborhood does not sit well with me. If he comes back to me with an excuse as to why he can’t do any other location, then I’ll have my answer. But I refuse to fall in to that slump that I see so many women slip in to after a “relationship” goes south or another guy doesn’t meet expectations or return her level of interest. My friend M. said he thought maybe he was trying to impress me with a trendy hot spot. My friend K. said maybe he thought his neighborhood was convenient because I live on the UES and there’s an accessible subway that goes right down to the bar location.

I don’t want to ever lose hope. To me, that is when you’ve officially given up. And I’m not willing to do that.

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Closure, Dating, Dating Over 40, Deep Thoughts, Latests Posts, Online Dating

Win, Lose or Draw

May 3, 2011 by 18 Comments

When I was in tenth grade, I opted to run for Vice President of my class rather than President, the role I held as a freshman. Why? Because omigod there was a big fight going on between two girls and I got caught in the middle and one them decided to run against me for president. So I chose to run for VP instead because I thought it better to take a lesser role and win than a bigger role and lose. (She ended up losing for Prez, I won for VP, and went on to win for Prez the following 2 years. Yes. I just bragged about being class president in high school.)

I was raised to believe that if you had the desire and the willingness to do the work and make the effort, you could do whatever you wanted and achieve any goal. Unfortunately, my Dad never told me that this philosophy really shouldn’t be applied to relationships. Sometimes you just have to admit defeat and walk away.

Or sometimes you have to accept the judge’s decision that the match has ended in a tie.  I’ve never understood that concept. A tie. There is success and there is defeat. And since defeat is not an option for me, I can and will only accept a win.

Certain relationships start off with the best of intentions. You do what you can to accept the other’s limitations. You try. You try hard. And yet, despite all that effort, there is no ultimate pay off. That concept seems unacceptable to me. I worked for something. I tried. Where’s my prize? I WANT MY PRIZE!!

Two men enter, one man leaves. Would the gladiators have accepted a tie? Would they have just looked at each other, bloodied and battered, spears and shields in hand and just shaken hands and said, “Good effort, mate. It was an honor” and then head to their respective exits and left? No. One of them had to lose.

Some relationships become a battle of wills. It stops being about trying to make things work and just becomes a grudge match.

Fuck you. No..FUCK YOU.

All either person can do is try to get the other to concede.Like the aforementioned gladiators, the prize was not a peaceful, mutually beneficial relationship. No. After that much arguing and conflict, you want the head of your opponent on a stick that you can carry out of the stadium. And, gee, isn’t THAT healthy. I mean, how could a relationship like that possibly fail? Forget about healthy. Nobody gets a trophy for being the most healthy or functional. Uh uh. You want that huge, gaudy trophy that’s 8 feet tall that you can put in your living room and point at every time a new person comes in to your life. “See? I win. Don’t forget that. I. always. win.”

There are obvious upshots to being willful. You’re more driven and more likely to succeed professionally and personally. But in relationships? Not so much. That’s when being willful works against you.That’s when your stubborness usually leaves you somewhat broken and worse for wear. The drive to win makes you, at the time, impervious to pain. You’re fueled by the driving desire to succeed. At any costs.

Fuck you. No…FUCK YOU.

I had a relationship with someone recently where I tried, so very hard, to make it work. I tried being patient and understanding. He tried to be more communicative and accomodating. In some aspects of the situation, we brought out the best in each other. But in others we brought out the worst. The very worst.  In the end, neither of us could see beyond our own needs. No matter what we did, or how much effort we made, it was never enough. We were both too stubborn and too…willful.

When I think of the angst that we caused each other I’m filled with remorse. Constantly putting the other in a position to explain or defend themselves.Horses were beaten to bloody stumps.  The good stuff was becoming overshadowed by the bad. It all started with the best of intentions and there was plenty of good stuff. There truly was. There just wasn’t enough of it. The time had come for me to accept  that this was one match I could not win and would have to settle for a tie. I had been so afraid to let it go because I would have had to admit to failure. I don’t “do” failure well.

I wish things could have been different. I wish I could have been different. We tried different approaches. We tried different methods. We talked (too much, I suspect). Things worked for a while. Until they didn’t. Until we found ourselves at that place that we both now recognized as familiar. The impasse.

Fuck you. No..FUCK YOU.

I want to believe that this was just a case of incompatible dispositions. But I fear that the problem is with me. That, no matter who it is, no matter how hard I try to temper it, it will always bring me to this place. Even though I have men in my life that have seen that willful side, and stuck around in various capacities and who love me in spite of it, I will always place precedent on the ones I drive away because of it.

I worked. I tried.  I had the desire.

I was supposed to win, you see.

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Deep Thoughts, Happy & Healthy, Latests Posts, Uncategorized

When Did We Start Giving Men So Much Power?

April 19, 2011 by 40 Comments

In a teleclass recently, a woman was relaying her experience on a recent date.

According to her, the man “dominated” the conversation and hardly allowed her the opportunity to talk about herself. And when the check came he “grabbed” it and paid for it.

I don’t know. I guess this type of scenario is foreign to me. If a person cuts me off when I speak, or interrupts me, or “dominates” a conversation…I have no qualms about speaking up. I have Youngest Child Syndrome, so being cut off is always something that makes me prickly. I don’t really care if I’m out with friends or on a date, if it bothers me and it’s a consistent problem, I say something. I wait to see if it’s just a case of the Nervous Nellies. In which case, the person usually rectifies the situation themselves once they relax. But if it continues, I smile and touch their hand or leg and say “Hold on. I’m almost finished.” As long as it’s done appropriately and without a shaming tone, I don’t see anything wrong with it. If it doesn’t stop, then I make the decision in my mind that this person couldn’t care less what I have to say and just get through the evening and don’t respond or contact them again. No need to get in to an argument or make things more uncomfortable. You always want to be the one who walks away from a situation knowing you maintained your composure.

I’m also perplexed by this whole “he grabbed the check”  myth. Really? He just reached across the table and aggressively snatched the bill from in front of you? Or is it more like the check was placed on the table and you sat there, glanced at it or ignored it and waited for him to take it? When did we stop asserting ourselves?

This isn’t about the whole who pays debate. This is about how seemingly self-proclaimed “strong” women frequently manage to find themselves in such submissive roles when dealing with men.

I do understand, to some degree, that some situations dictate that you not say exactly what is on your mind just in case your instincts aren’t correct. When the guy from Sunday Brunch canceled, I was annoyed. Last minute cancellations are rude. I found myself in that position so many of us frequently find ourselves in where we either suck it up or speak our mind. That was one of those situations where I chose to suck it up. It stuck in my craw for about an hour and I let it go. What it’s really about is not playing your hand too early. Let him know I was disappointed and annoyed and I’d look too invested. I was choosing to be submissive, and when it’s my choice, I’m okay with that. But this idea that men instill some kind of fear or weakness in me because I’m too afraid that he won’t like me or think less of me? That doesn’t fly with me.

The man didn’t grab the check. You let him pay it. He didn’t dominate the conversation. You were too afraid to speak up lest he not like you.You wanted him to call and ask you out instead of text. But instead of calling him yourself, because person to person communication is so important to you, you just idly sat back and let him do something that annoyed you.Only when you are in front of your friends d0 you find your voice and assert your power.  It’s those little inconsistencies that make us look bad. We say we want an equal partnership, yet we arbitrarily silence our voice when it suits us or when it can support a really distorted view of men, women and relationships.

The whole paying the check thing really trips my trigger, as do the excuses women use to justify expecting a man to do it.

“Well, I Googled him and he owns his own business and owns his own place.” Uh huh. Well, unless you’re his lawyer or accountant, you haven’t a clue how much money he does or doesn’t have. That’s a comfy little lie we like to tell ourselves to justify letting a man pay our way.  As is the excuse that “he chose” the expensive restaurant…even though going to a place so expensive makes you uncomfortable. Bullshit.If it makes you uncomfortable, or makes you feel like you’ll “owe” him something, don’t go. Additionally, if you’re going out with a man that makes you feel guilty or indebted in him some way, then maybe you shouldn’t be out with him in the first place.

Another adorable myth is that when men go on dates, there is the “expectation” of sex. See, men think about sex all the time. Like ALLLLL THE TIME. They barely can keep themselves from masturbating on the subways. They neeeeed it. So that’s why they ask us out. It’s not because they like us, or respect us, or want to spend time with us. They just want to get their dicks wet because they’re all animals. So in order to lubricate our vaginas, they must pay the tab. Because women should all assign a monetary value to entrance to their vagina, as if it was a ride at Disneyland.

What sort of sexist bullshit is THAT? And yes, it IS sexist. Any time you assign a sweeping negative generalization to someone based on their gender, you’re being sexist. That’s no different than if a man said that all women date because we need someone to support us or take care of us. Well, I don’t know about your vagina, but mine doesn’t have a price tag stamped on it.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but women still have a voice, right? When..and Why…did we start giving men so much power over us again? It’s like our confidence in being assertive comes and goes in waves. Or are we just practicing Selective Assertiveness? Is there any benefits to that?

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Finances, Deep Thoughts, Gender Roles, Latests Posts, Manly Man, Traditional Dating Rules, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today

Why Are We So Desperate for a Man’s Approval?

March 4, 2011 by 68 Comments

Yet another rebuttal piece to Tracy McMillan’s “Why You’re Not Married” article

My friend B. just forwarded me the link with the note “Go get her!!”

Here are a few of the quotes that made my head explode. (Read the full article here.)

We learned to let men treat us like crap.

No, see..we allowed them to treat us like crap. Therein lies the biggest problem that prevents people – male and female – from finding a healthy relationship if they so choose.: Lack of Accountability. Thriving off of being wounded.   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I have horrible taste in men and need to re-evaluate.

Women of my generation are still the second-class citizens of fairy tales: only now, we don’t even have the chivalry or the ever-blooming roses to comfort us in our eternal boredom.

Oh, it’s chivalry we want? I thought it was to be treated as equals? It’s no wonder men haven’t a clue whether they should open a door or walk on the left side of the street…we don’t even know what we want. We want to be treated like equals in the office, and then like delicate little flowers on a date. Have you noticed that men don’t have such inconsistent requests? Men are expected to act the same way at all times. They don’t get to be vulnerable or demure. Lord knows that if a man were to write a woman some sacchariny sweet email  in response to her profile, or an apology for behaving badly, she’d run to the internet and post it for the world to see calling the guy a pussy.

Our conversation eventually — and inevitably — led us to the topic of why she never married, and to illustrate the point, she told me a story. “When I was younger,” she said, “I was dating a man who told me: ‘You’re extraordinarily smart, and you’re extraordinarily beautiful. You need a man who is either so strong that he can stand up to you, or so weak that you can walk all over him. I’m just a normal man. I’m not the man for you.’”

Allow me to translate. You’re difficult. Note how he phrased this..by complimenting her first so as to soften the blow. He appealed to her ego. He took the hit. He made this about his supposed weakness, when it had nothing to do with that. In other words…it was a lie. And it’s a lie that some women have been telling themselves for years to help them justify their own behavior.

As I was leaving, she said to me, with a great deal of kindness: “You’re pretty, and you’re smart. It’s a curse. You’ll have a lot of difficulty finding a man.”

Holy Jesus Christ on a Cracker. Yes, men hate pretty, smart women. They abhore them. They all want to find submissive, docile girls. Not true, not by a longshot. Many, MANY men are looking for an equal. A partner. Has any man ever been told the equivalent? Has any man ever heard such a condescending, offensive comment? “Oh Gee, Don, you’re good looking and successful. It’s going to be hard for you to find a gal.” And what makes this worse is that it’s one woman saying it to another woman. I swear, it’s a conspiracy to keep other women single. Plant seeds of doubt in their heads, psych them out, take them out of the race. Or tell them what they want to hear because that’s what they would want to hear, thereby perpetuating this type of nonsense.

For the first time in my life, someone openly acknowledged the dirty dark secret of my generation of women. And that is that all of the qualities we cultivate in ourselves from our first overachieving moments in elementary school to our graduation from the best universities in the nation — confidence in our physical appearance, the ability to support ourselves, our cultured and well-read minds, the sterling pedigree of our schooling, our taste for healthy debate with our peers (both men and women) — actually won’t help us to find an equal partner. What it will do is make an “equal” man feel insecure, and what he will do with that insecurity is label us as “crazy.”

Are you including me in this generation of women of which you speak? Because I’ve never bought in to that crap. Oh wait. I did. It was when I was in my late twenties and early thirties and got dropped like a hot rock at every turn. What the problem here is that some women are offended at the fact that men aren’t impressed by their pedigree. The other problem is how some women cling to these accomplishments and assume, because they’re so impressed with them, that other people should be, too.  The real hurdle is overcoming that huge chip that resides on so many women’s shoulders. Men aren’t impressed by words in the same way women aren’t. A guy can talk, talk, talk all day long about where he went to school and how much he knows. I don’t care. Don’t tell me how valuable you are. Show me. Show me what you bring to the table other than a bank account and a piece of paper on your wall. We’ve become far too impressed with qualities that do not matter, the flash, and forgotten about what really matters: substance.

I say to you, why aren’t you telling me that I should be going out to look for the men who wants a woman like me? (They do exist; some of them are my friends.)

Oh. Then why aren’t they either dating you or fixing you up with their friends? That’s what women who believe this should be asking themselves. If you have male friends who constantly tell you what a catch you are, but never seem to know of any single friends, there’s a reason for that. And it’s not that they don’t know any single men. Usually, at least.

Instead of being told I need to medicate my “craziness” to pander to a man’s itty-bitty oh-so-witty ego, I want a man who is every bit my match, and is not scared off by that. I want a man who is every bit my match, and is not scared off by that. I want a man who appreciates that I enjoy sex. I want a man who loves that I can fire back a sassy comment like Katharine Hepburn on one of her lazy days.

Great. You love The Cock. Who doesn’t? Do you really think men will hold against a woman for enjoying sex? REALLY? And as for this love of “sass”…this was something that came up in a recent workshop we held about writing an effective online dating profile. When the word “sass” was used in one woman’s profile, almost all of the men in the class kind of winced. Sass? Is not as fun as it sounds. Sass usually involves talking to or treating someone sarcastically or disrespectfully. Now, I don’t know about you…but I’m not too eager to date someone who’s always “sassing” me. If a man is turned off by a woman’s “sass” then it’s probably because she’s not being “sassy” she’s being obnoxious. As for the Katherine Hepburn comparison…Hepburn had what I call The Finesse. I am in awe of woman who possess this quality. It’s an ability to convey strength and vulnerability at the same time without ever coming across fragile. For a more recent example, watch The Good Wife on CBS. One of the lead characters, Diane Lockhart, is a 50 something partner in a law firm. Of all the female characters, she’s not only the most self-assured, she’s the most sexy. (Well, Khalinda is pretty smokin’, too.) Diane is portrayed as vibrant, sexual, and strong. She’s no-nonsense, confident of her abilities and she makes no apologies. She doesn’t broadcast or defend her sexual exploits (she’s the only female on the show who consistently has sex) , or feels a need to remind people she’s in charge. She commands respect with her demeanor, and she gets it.

I have a pedigree like an Arabian thoroughbred — double Ivy League degrees in art history, the ability to speak in five languages, a resume full of prestigious jobs in the art world, a history of international travel that even Bruce Chatwin would gape at — and it’s come to the point that if a man doesn’t immediately identify me as crazy, I question if he’s even listening to me when I open my mouth.

He’s not not listening because he thinks a woman with such accomplishments is crazy. He’s not listening because she probably sounds pretentious. And kinda boring.

But it’s clearly not a biological fact that a woman needs to be in a relationship to have a child. A decade from now, I know that I’ll be making a more-than-decent living, and so, assuming I don’t ask a friend to knock me up (hey, best friends make the best lovers, right?), I’ll have plenty of money to pay for in vitro fertilization. I have many, many good friends, five siblings, relatively young parents, and over 20 aunts and uncles who would help me to raise that baby.

I’m not going to knock anyone for wanting to be a single parent. I believe we can do anything we set our mind to. So if someone wants to be a single parent and they have that desire and commitment to it, then they will succeed. What bothers me about this quote is this idea that her large extended family will be around to help. Umm…you do understand that you’d be the primary care giver, right? And that while most people will enjoy watching your child occasionally, they have lives and relationships and families of their own and can’t always make themselves available to you, right? I’m actually pretty shocked at how the author tosses off this comment, as if she’d be giving birth or adopting a dog that sleeps in the corner and requires only to be walked twice a day.

All that I’m trying to say, ladies, is stop trying to frighten me; make me feel empowered. Speak to me like I can make my own decisions, and don’t demean the difficulties I may be having finding a guy who I think is worth my time and energy. Marriage is a rapidly-changing institution. Let’s discuss how it can be molded to fit our rising status, rather than trying to jam ourselves into some outdated ideal.

Can someone please point me in the direction of the articles that have encouraged or suggested that women stay home and lock themselves in the kitchen whilst barefoot and pregnant? Because all I’ve been hearing about lately is how women are comprising more of the work force than men. And I don’t think it’s anybody’s job to make you feel empowered. That’s our own individual job.  But that’s what the real issue is today, isn’t it? That  so many women are seeking the approval, not the affection, of men? Not just men..other women, too.

We’ve become so focused on proving ourselves, proving our worth, showing everyone what we’ve got, defending our choices….talking talking talking…that we’ve become completely consumed with ourselves. We’ve forgotten that a relationship involves being able to think about someone else. I just said it in today’s earlier post and I’ll say it again….emotional availability. That’s what both men and women want in a partner and in a  relationship. They want someone to champion and to support, and who will give that in return.

All this time that women spend justifying their lifestyle choices could be put to more productive use if we just stopped needing the approval of faceless strangers and accepted – truly accepted – who we are and what we’re doing.

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Filed Under: Dating, Deep Thoughts, Entitlement, Standards & Preferences
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