You are here: Home / Archives for Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

How Do You Deal With a Guy Who Is Too Needy?

May 1, 2013 by 29 Comments

Name: Devenannoying-e1356637300485
Comment: Guy Who’s Too Needy!!!

Hi there,

So I have gone on five dates with an attorney who I met through work. He made a good impression initially but after the first date he started calling every day, then complaining that I didn’t talk to him long enough; e.g., more than fifteen minutes. Then he wanted to see me three days later; I agreed because the first date had been positive and suggested that we go to a local eatery…but he showed up with a bottle of wine. I told him I wanted to take things slow but he proceeded to question me about how long I thought it appropriate before being exclusive. He then began to email me, call me, and text me in addition to calling me everyday. I again told him to slow down.
I’ve also noted some odd behaviors which makes me think he may have Asperger’s Disorder. He seems emotionally immature for a 44 year old attorney, will stroke my hand for fifteen minutes while avoiding eye contact, and likes to stick his tongue in my ear (which I don’t mind, except that he missed my ear completely and left one side of my head wet). Those are just a few examples. He seems to be pushing for intimacy after only five dates, and he’s already making plans for us to do things together two months in advance…I can’t seem to get him to slow down.
Does this sound normal to people? Should I run for the hills?
Age: 43
City: NYC
State: New York

 

 

I’m taking a short hiatus from writing responses to these letters. I have other things I need to focus on and have some personal matters I need to tend to for now. If I can fit in a response or post here and there, I will. Enjoy.

Share
Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Meeting Men Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Come Some Women Are Never Satisfied?

November 25, 2012 by 64 Comments

Name: CityGal
Age: 35
State:
Question: Hi Moxie,

It’s been awhile since I wrote in, and I thought I’d turn to you since this situation has my best friend and sister stumped. I’ve been dating someone since mid-September and we agreed that we only wanted to date each other exclusively about a month after dating. He invited me to meet his parents last week, It was my first time meeting his parents and it could not have gone better.

Things were definitely on a positive note after the dinner with his parents (the two of us were back at his house), and I decided to broach the topic about an trip (outside of the country) that he has planned for New Years (his guy friends and friends who are girls are coming). Note: I’m not worried about the girls on the trip (I have met them and know that there isn’t a romantic interest, primarily because most will be with their S.O.s on the trip.)

I mentioned that I understand he had the New Years Eve trip planned before we met, and I completely understand if he can’t extend an invitation to me, but if there’s still room in the place where he’s staying, I can look into getting a plane ticket. I was completely taken aback by his response. Rather than explain that there was some conflict with space or logistics (I thought maybe it had something to do with money?), he said that he (I’m quoting him) “didn’t feel like we were ready to spend 9 days in a foreign country together.” He said he’s “not ready to take that step yet.” I, of course, felt pretty badly about his response, but I tried not to overreact. I didn’t really know if I should be feeling disappointed or not, given we’ve only been out for two months now, but part of me thinks it would be a natural progression to spend New Years together, especially if there are girls and guys involved in the trip and we would be at the four month mark, at that point.

We spoke again later the next day and he reiterated that he doesn’t feel ready for a trip outside of the country with me and the reality is that if he was “head over heels” he would invite me to go, but he’s not….My heart dropped. So I said to him that I am going to see other people and I think that he should too. He responded to this by saying that he doesn’t want to see anyone else besides me, but it makes sense to take a few steps back and be less intimate ….He said that in an ideal world, we could carry along from where we left off once we are done with NYE (meaning January) because NYE will be a lingering shadow above our heads for the month of December. Talk about confusing!!! So since then, he’s been reaching out to connect with me via text, IM, etc and I’ve been responding positively to him. I don’t want to overreact, but I also want to look out for myself and my well-being and not go down the path with a commitment-phobe or someone who is unsure of progressing with me. Thoughts?

 

 

My thoughts are that this guy was upfront and honest with you. You broached the topic of going on the trip he had already planned months in advance because you wanted to spend NYE with him. He told you, in what sounds like a respectful way, that he’s not ready to be with you for a consecutive amount of time in a foreign country. Which is an extremely reasonable and mature response/reaction.

There’s a big difference between spending a weekend together and traveling together. Not just traveling, mind you, but traveling with a group of people in a country that is thousands of miles away. There would be no escaping you should things take a bad turn.  I get hives just thinking about that. For you, it seemed like a no brainer. Not so much for him. For him, it was a possible mistake that could add undue stress to the relationship and force him into a position he’s not quite ready to be in just yet.

He had just introduced you to his parents – a milestone – and you were pushing for another one mere hours later. You essentially invited yourself on a trip he had planned and made him feel cornered. You put him in an awkward position. No matter how he answered that question, he was screwed. That’s why he backed off.

Now you’re doing what many women do and creating the back story to explain why the guy she’s been dating all of two months isn’t as eager to move things along as she is. Men are allowed to be cautious. He’s already given you exclusivity and a sit down with the folks. That should have been enough. But you wanted more. You wanted a trip and NYE. You don’t accrue points with each milestone, you know.

The problem here isn’t that he’s a commitment-phobe. He committed to you, so I don’t understand where that comes from. The issue is that you weren’t satisfied with what he had already offered you. You wanted more. He is taking a step back for the next 6 weeks because, I’m guessing, he doesn’t want to deal with any possible drama that could result about that trip. He just wants that trip to be over so you guys can start over where you left off. Basically, he’s avoiding you until Jan. 1st.Which isn’t a great sign. He doesn’t trust that you’ll be able to let the trip issue drop. So rather than listen to you or be forced to break down and invite you, he’s staying away from you. You need to examine that decision of his very closely.

It makes no sense that this guy would say he’s not head over heels for you yet agree to exclusivity after a month and introduce you to his parents. There’s an inconsistency here. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the decision to be exclusive and to meet his folks was yours, yes? You’ll say no, and you’ll believe it, but given the content of this letter I’m guessing that you’re not even aware of how pushy you are or can be. For example, you sent me this letter twice because I hadn’t answered it soon enough for you. You want what you want, and I get that. Believe me. But guys just don’t care for that. Men have no problem being challenged. They just don’t like to be badgered or bullied.

You need to temper your more demanding side and allow people to come around to things on their own (reasonable)  time table. None of this is to overlook the fact that this guy quite possibly is a pussy, of course, who can’t stand up to a woman. He very well might be. Or it could be that you are..a little scary and he’s afraid of you. Not sure. I certainly wouldn’t want to be with a man that couldn’t put me in my place should that need to be done. It sounds like this guy was just hoping you’d forget about that trip and never bring it up. Then, when you did, he decided to take a step back and advocate for “taking a break” of some kind so that he could enjoy the following 6 weeks and come out unscathed.

Those are my thoughts.

Share
Filed Under: Awkward, Dating, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Managing Expectations Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do You Need a Man’s Whole Heart To Be Happy?

September 9, 2012 by 17 Comments

Name: Emily
Age: 32
State: MA
Question: How much baggage is too much?
I’ve been dating W. for the past 10 months. We are both divorced, but unlike me (with no children), he has 3 children from his previous marriage and is 8 years older than me. As our relationship progressed and we became officially a couple (family functions, parties, weekends and short vacations spent together), my friends started giving their opinions about him. Most vocal was my brother. He keeps telling me how I should not date a man with “baggage”, especially 3 kids and an ex wife, that I am too young to compromise on this and that I should find a man to start “fresh”, with no prior attachments or responsibilities. He thinks I “deserve” this kind of a relationship because I’m “young, beautiful and successful”, and I will never be first priority in W’s life.

My boyfriend is equally successful in his business, loves his kids and has an absolutely wonderful relationship with them, is caring and attentive with me, respects me and my life-style. Going through a marriage (with my high-school boyfriend) and the complicated and painful divorce that followed, I learned a lot of things about myself. I lost the romantic view on love and marriage, I learned who I am and why I made bad and good decisions in my life. Dating several men (both online and offline) after my divorce, most less than 2 months, I learned what I want in a relationship with a partner… and having “no baggage” was never on my “list”.

W and I are both well grounded, with a realistic view of life and each other. No fancy dreams or beliefs.  We could each live happily without the other one, but together we are better people. I feel it’s possible this relationship might result in a marriage over the years, but this is not the time for either of us to think of that… but my brother and friends think of this and they are panicking a little. This might be just an overprotective brother, but I’ve heard some of my girlfriends saying similar things about the men they are dating.

And hence my question. Don’t we all have “baggage”, even if not in the form of kids/ex-partners? And how or what is too much baggage? Why does it matter for some women/men to have a “fresh” start?

I answered my brother – first by reassuring him that jumping in another marriage is not something I want right now, and either way I am not scared or feel challenged by 3 kids, that I don’t need to be someone elses “everything” again in my life, I don’t need a man’s whole heart to be happy. I am not defined by the amount of love a man has for me, but by how much I love myself. Rather than dating a 35 yo man (for example) that was never able to have a long-term relationship, I would rather date someone that proved he can be a husband and father…

 

I don’t need a man’s whole heart to be happy.

This is probably the most brilliant thing I’ve ever read in any of the almost 5,000 letters I’ve received over the years. The truth is that none of us should depend upon or expect the complete devotion and attention from someone else to feel secure. I think of my step-mother and how many times she must have been relegated to the second spot in my Dad’s life. That’s how life is sometimes, be it due to having an ex-spouse or kids or siblings or a job. If there is one piece of that cliched and trite advise I do agree with, it’s to learn how to be happy on your own before getting into a relationship. It doesn’t have to look a certain way in order to be right or to work.

What’s funny about your brother’s advice s that it almost seem to ignore the fact that you, too, are divorced. He’s talking about how you deserve a fresh start and should date someone with no baggage, etc. Question: Where was this wise Oracle the first time you got married? Was he so concerned then? Or did he say nothing? He wasn’t concerned that his baby sister was getting married to her HS boyfriend? That didn’t raise any red flags? He didn’t fear you were too young or not ready?

What your brother and friends are experiencing is confusion (and possibly jealousy) over the fact that you don’t need to be a someone’s everything all the time to be happy, and they do. See, this is why people get divorced in the first place. They have immature views and ideas of what marriage and commitment are all about. To them, and to many others, marriage is about spending every day with your best friend. Tra la la la la. You will always be priority number 1 and there will be total honesty between the two of you. Reality? There are going to be days when you hate their face off.

Another fallacy is that, after divorce, you get to wipe the slate clean and start anew. Um. No. I’m sorry to break it to y’all, but a divorce is a mark on your record. It just is. It’s not an unforgiveable one, but it’s a blight and gives people pause. Somewhere out there, there is a sister telling her little brother that he shouldn’t have to date a 32 year old divorcee because he deserves someone with a spotless record. It’s not terribly productive to try and sweep a past marriage under the rug and be all, “Fresh start!!! Weeeeeee!” I don’t like that mentality. Nor do I care for the idea that anybody “deserves” a certain type of relationship. It sounds like you’re one of the people who came out of your marriage and did some reflecting and actually learned something about yourself. That’s why pretending a marriage or relationship didn’t happen isn’t a good thing. You have to be able to re-trace your footsteps to see where you went wrong. And when a marriage ends, rarely is it ever just one person’s fault.

Does everyone have baggage? I suppose. In some way, yes. If you or anybody else chose to wait for that one baggage-less person, you would be alone for a very long time.

You’re happy? It works for you? That’s all that matters. Not how much or how little baggage someone has. Tell your girlfriends to keep their poisonous and passive aggressive slights to themselves. Yes, they’re being passive aggressive. They’re trying to make you think that your relationship has some fatal flaw. More than likely, it’s their relationships that suck, and their men who don’t treat them the way yours treats you. Don’t. Listen. To. Your. Girlfriends. They can’t be objective, and neither can your brother.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Dating In a Big City, Deaing With an Ex, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Servicey! – How To Meet People Offline

August 14, 2012 by 33 Comments

I was reading this blog post this morning about Match.com’s newly rolled out Stir Events.

But I want to try something new. I’m so over online dating (for now), speed dating makes my skin crawl (sorry but it does) and most events are poorly produced and/or aimed at youngins.

Let’s talking about getting offline.

I mentioned recently that I changed the copy of our speeddating events to read:

Aren’t you tired of emailing back and forth with that person from Match.com or OKCupid only to end up being blown off or disappointed? Here’s a fun and easy way to cut to the chase, save time and have fun all at the same time.

Join other single professionals for an early evening happy hour, topped off with about 7-10 rounds* of “mini-dates.” You’ll meet each member of the opposite sex for 5-7 minutes each (depending on the size of the event), turn in your dating card and then we’ll send you the contact info of your mutual matches 48 hours later. On average, 80% of those who attend end up with at least one or two mutual matches.

Why only 7-10 rounds? The more choices in front of someone, the less likely they are to  choose and focus on one specific person. We like to avoid replicating the “shopping cart” mentality that occurs with online dating.

Once this copy kicked in, our speeddating registrations in both Boston and NYC doubled. That is not an exaggeration. I am convinced it has to do with the reference to the shopping cart mentality that online dating creates.

I’ve also mentioned that I am one of those people whose attractiveness is more noticeable in person rather than on paper. I doubt I’m alone in that. I think now, more than ever before,  people need to incorporate both online dating as well as offline events into their rotation if they hope to meet someone new or special. Online dating has become intensified. People are much more likely to say “Next!” now. People are also becoming very insulated to the point where they think of nobody but themselves.

So, because I’m so servicey, I wanted to offer some suggestions, guidelines and recommendations to make your offline dating as productive as your online dating.

1. Attend an event alone - I know. You don’t want to show up alone in case you, like, get forced to make 5 minutes of conversation with someone unsavory. Come on. Grow up. Polish off those Big Girl Shoes and brush up on small talk and learn how to work a smile. The reason why singles/social events tend to draw more women than men is because women always bring friends because they can’t be alone. Guys attend these events by themselves all the time.

2. Learn to read signals - If you’re making conversation with someone and they excuse themselves, let them go and leave them alone. They’re being gracious. Don’t follow them around and hound them. If they wanted to talk to you, they would.

3. Learn how to make a graceful exit - I’m not going to lie. Singles events do attract a percentage of people who are socially awkward. But you meet those types of people everywhere. As an adult, we all have to learn how to deal with people like this. If you have to resort to being rude, then you’re as stunted as that person trailing you around the bar.

4. Remember – You get what you pay for – If you want to meet quality people, then attend an event with an admission fee. Free events tend to attract a lot of the people you don’t want to meet. If you’re someone who doesn’t like spending $25-$35 on an event in a major city, then you need to hang out in the suburbs. Nothing irritates me more than when someone attends an event with no concept of what was actually spent to develop it. (Granted, most people don’t.) The bottom line is that if they meet someone, it was worth it.If they didn’t, it was “poorly produced’ or some other excuse. To be fair,sometimes that is true. Things happen. It’s happened to us. But usually, the person complaining came to the event with a rancid personality/attitude.

5. Respect the age ranges - Ok. Buckle up. This one has bite. Ladies, if you’re in the high end of a specified age range of an event, you’re wasting your time. You will be surrounded by women younger than you. Yeah, I know. You’re a young looking 40, 45, 50. Guess what? Those 30 year olds are young looking 30 year olds. Guys? If an age range is, say, 37-49 and you’re 57, then you’re too old for the event. You can attend, of course. But you, too, will be wasting your time, as the women who register are looking to meet men in that age range. You will be considered that ‘creepy’ guy. People pay for these things to meet potential dates.It’s our job to provide that. When someone ignores the rules, they not only make themselves look bad, but they negatively affect the experiences of others and that’s not fair.  I get emails all the time from people asking if they should register for an event even though they’re X amount of years outside of the age range. What they’re actually looking for is a private invitation. Just by asking, they know the event probably isn’t for them. They want the organizer to tell them that they’re welcome. You have to understand that hosting an event for the over 50 crowd can be difficult in that it’s very, very hard to get men to attend. Especially when you have disgruntled 40something women running to the internet complaining about the dearth of “decent” single men. Also not helping, like with the case of Match’s Stir Events, is having a bunch of women who do nothing but gripe about dating and who never seem to meet anybody up to snuff promote your parties. The Evangelists are an important and telling part of a marketing plan. Just FYI.

Now, as for where to go:

*Both OKCupid and Match.com have launched a series of offline events. Great. My guess is that both of these sites are using the event channel to generate new subscribers/profiles. The events themselves aren’t going to generate much revenue. But the subscriber fees that come from outside members that want to attend will, which is what I believe the true goal is. (I think both Match and OKCupid allow for people to register for themselves and friends without requiring that the friend create a profile.) Supporting that theory is that I logged into my Match account, clicked the Events tab and was told that I had to be a subscriber to attend an event. I clicked the link that said “subscribe now” and was directed to a page that listed the various paid membership tiers. Apparently, you have to pay to see a list of upcoming events as well. No, that’s not a “small fee” that people will have to pay. That’s a big fee of anywhere from $40-$100 something dollars.  I tend to think that the “interest based” events will be few and far between and they’ll focus more on the free happy hours, as that might get them more bang for their buck. If you’re a paid member of Match you’ll see that, for NYC, all they have posted are two free happy hours. Like I said above, keep your expectations low for anything that is free to attend. But you should attend.Try to get in on one of their smaller, special interest events if you can. They appear to fill up in an oddly quick fashion.

*Niche events - Cooking classes, snow boarding classes, etc are all a great way to meet new people while learning something new. The fewer the people participating, the less likely you have that shopping cart mentality working against you.

*Speeddating – I’m not just saying that because that’s part of my business model. When I deal with an online dating client who appears awkward or shy or struggles to make conversation, I suggest speeddating. Speeddating provides you with multiple opportunities to talk to strangers. That is a key social skill. If speeddating “makes your skin crawl” well then guess what? You’re a social fail, too.

*Meetup.com - I would suggest the groups that focus on hosting small gatherings or special interests. Not the ones that have the free to get in blow outs at clubs and trendy lounges. They’re nice every once and a while, but they are meat markets and usually draw the non-city people. The reality is that if someone lives in a big city, they expect to pay for something and don’t complain about it. The people who regularly to exclusively attend the free events are usually the people who live outside the city or who don’t like to pay for anything. Yeesh all around.

 

Share
Filed Under: Awkward, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Douchey Guys, Drama Queens, Happy & Healthy, Managing Expectations, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Dating Rules & Tests Are All Bulls*it

January 23, 2012 by 75 Comments

Name: Cassie
State: NYCcomN
Age: http://34
Comment: Hi Moxie,

I met a guy a week ago in a bar and we hit it off. We exchanged numbers and went out on our first date the following night and had dinner and drinks. .the conversation was great and  we have a lot common. At the end of the date we didn’t get kiss but he gave me a hug. During the course of the week we texted off and on. He initiated the texts.

We went out on our second date and had a great time.  This time it was drinking and dancing. As the night wore on (and the booze flowed) we began to casually touch each other – hand on the back, lap etc – so by the end of the night we were making out like teenagers. He begged me to go home with him but I declined. I could tell he was disappointed. But what guy isn’t? He continues to text me but hasn’t asked for another date. Although he knew I had plans with my friends on Saturday and he was watching the football game with friends on Sunday.

My question is two-fold: (1) how do I know if he genuinely likes me or he’s priming the pump so that I sleep with him. I have to admit that after that make out session I would love to sleep with him but I don’t want him to do the fade away. Or am I getting ahead of myself considering he hasn’t asked me out for date 3 yet? (2)  can I ask him out for date 3 or should I wait for him to ask me? I think this guy may have potential but I don’t want to blow it by sleeping with him too soon or asking him out.  Thanks for your advice. Cassie

 

You should absolutely ask him out for the third date. He’s probably feeling  a little unsure of things since you politely put the brakes on things getting to hot and heavy. He’s gun shy now.

how do I know if he genuinely likes me or he’s priming the pump so that I sleep with him.

Cassie, he IS priming the pump so that you’ll sleep with him. That’s okay. You want to sleep with him, too. You’re not looking to pump and dump him, are you? We have to get past this idea that just because a man wants to have sex with us that he’s going to use us or that he’s a bad person. Our heads get filled with this idea from friends and movies and magazines. It’s absolute nonsense.

I don’t have any sure fire red flags to help you spot a Mr. Hit It and Quit It. I wish I did. The only way you’re going to know for sure if he’s going to fade is if he fades. That’s it. If you want to wait until you feel you have a better baseline to use to evaluate him, then you should wait to get physical. Just understand that you’re really not waiting for a justifiable reason unless he’s given you the impression his interest and behavior are disingenuous. You think you’re controlling the outcome, but you’re not. You just think you are.

A few weeks ago I was watching an episode of American Horror Story. One of the characters was trying to rid the house of two of the more evil ghosts. So she lured him to the basement and proceeded to recite some mystical chant. She was told by a medium that this would force out all the malevolent spirits. Guess what? It didn’t work. The ghost pointed out to her that chants and burning sage and various other tricks and myths were all bullshit. They were ways that people tried to take control of a situation that scared them. It’s like when people pray to God and ask Him to influence the outcome of a situation. Listen, I love me some God. But even I know that’s crap. My Mom used to make me put my hand on a Bible and she’d put one hand over my head and she’d pray. She’d ask God to keep her from getting sick. Ta da! She died at 46! She had a huge golfball sized tumor in her breast. God can’t protect ya from that, Lady Jane. Just the idea that he’s supposed to perform some kind of divine intervention is ludicrous.  She could have prevented it by going to a doctor sooner and doing exams. We have what we need to detect or determine danger. We just ignore those things out of fear or ignorance or pride.

That’s why many of these silly rules and games and tests are bullshit. They’re flimsy ploys to help people maintain a sense of control over a situation. In reality, they do not protect people from getting used or dumped. All they do is give the person a false sense of security and power. No blog or bullet point list or “experienced” girlfriend’s wise advice can protect you. That’s a scary reality, I know. But the sooner you accept that fact, the better of you’ll be.

You want me to give you some magical elixir so that you can “know” if this guy is genuine. There is none. You’re trying to dictate the results of this experiment by using criteria that amounts to a hill of nothing. One thing I do know is that if you start to question him and you tell him how afraid you are of this happening, the more likely it is that he will fade.

You need to trust your own instincts and judgment. Forget about what I say. What do YOU think? Do you have bad taste in men? Do you always find yourself pursuing men that don’t return the interest? Do you frequently find yourself in this very position, where you’re trying to analyze him like a criminal profiler? If so, where has all of that gotten you? Because if it’s gotten you in constant analysis paralysis with no mans, it’s not working.  You might think you’ve dodged those bullets. But really, those men are the ones who should be thankful they got out in time.

Now, if you’ve had a relative amount of success doing something, and it has worked out for you, then continue to do it. If waiting helps you feel more at ease and relieve the paranoia, then do it. That will be better for both of you in the long run. But if you’re hoping that the longer he waits the more invested he’ll become, you’re heading down a bad path. More often than not, guys like that WILL hit it and quit it out of frustration and their own fear of being used.

You need to trust that you have good judgment with men. If you want to have sex with him, then have sex with him. Be safe, ask the appropriate questions, and then enjoy it. If he never calls again, so what. You had a great few dates. Maybe he didn’t feel the sexual chemistry was there. Maybe he realized he wasn’t ready. Maybe he didn’t feel you were the one for him. Whatever. You’re never going to know the real reason anyway, so there’s no point in obsessing.

The only way you’re going to be able to control the outcome of this situation is to control how you react and respond to it. We’re always trying to control the guys, and inevitably we end up surrendering our control and power by doing so.  So stop with all the rules and tests. They don’t work.

They’re bullshit.

One on One Dating Profile Review

  • Ever wonder what sort of impression your online dating profile makes?
  • Tired of getting messages from people that aren’t your type?
  • Annoyed by messages from people who make inappropriate comments?
  • Had enough of dates with people who have certain and potentially offensive expectations?

Saturday Jan 28 – Feb 4 – Feb 11 – Feb 18th – 4:30-5:00PM – 5:15PM-5:45PM – 6:00PM-6:30PM

$23 – MUST USE PROMO CODE ATWYS WHEN REGISTERING

REGISTER HERE:

http://atwysprofilereview.eventbrite.com

Share
Filed Under: Book, Dating, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Hook Up Culture, Intimacy, Latests Posts, Meeting Men, Sex Tagged With: , , , ,

It’s Not You, It’s Him

June 28, 2011 by 2 Comments

Name: cdales |  Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi Moxie

I’m sure you’ll hear this and go same story different situation but I’ve been reading you’re advice and find your angle/take on the situation refreshingly simple and honest.  I’ve had this one situation in my dating career pester me and would love to get your insight on what actually happened…Here is goes…

Met and started dating the brother of my close friends boyfriend.  Things were going great – the first week was the “I’m so into you/I really like you” (BTW read your response regarding the saying nice things in the beginning as a way of knowing if you’re into him, totally interesting perspective).  After our first date he asked me out for the next day (I declined but rain checked) he started emailing me everyday…multiple times….followed by texts after the work day ended.  Frankly, I freaked out the first week because it was a little intense for me, but I still tried to keep my cool.   I kind of liked the emailing aspect, it was an interesting way to get to know someone.  The one weird point was after 2 weeks in he stopped trying to see me or it felt like it.  Same emailing everyday, same “what are you doing tonight?”, but he seemed to shy out of trying to hang.  I started to call him my penpal basically.  Granted I do understand that his job is 7:30 – 4:30 and then a lot of time out with clients/co-workers “schmoozing” if you will.  Mine is the same, and yes I know letting work get in the way is, well a cover for me.  So after once suggesting we hang out and didn’t I never tried that again.  I actually never really initiated conversation, let him sort of control as I was feeling it out.

Our last date/interaction was a mess…namely he was.  He was out with my friend/his brother and I came and met up with them later on (had plans that day).  He was a mess from the night before, was embarrassed about it and pointed out that we had to hang under better circumstances.  I spent the night (we were not even close to sleeping together at this point in our dating scheme).  Next morning was fine, he texted me after work, I replied, then he replied.  Then….nothing.  Normally I go with actions speak louder than words and he’s not into me.  A week later his brother was under the influence and gave me an earful about the guy I was dating/his brother.  Massive diatribe all unprovoked (I made it a point to NEVER speak about his brother with him) He had apologized because he told his brother to stop emailing as much bc it was too much (or something along those lines), he just didn’t realize that I didn’t mind getting in touch everyday.  His main points were that he’s loves his brother but 1) he’s an emotional child 2) all the girls he ever dated prior were idiots and I was the first ‘smart girl’ he had dated, which was ‘good’ because I was there to ‘push back’ and that’s why he knew his brother liked me 3) he has to ‘control’ situations 4) he is paralyzed by insecurity and the fear of being rejected.  I know we all are, but I can relate to the deep fear, all consuming all controlling feeling.  It happens to me a lot.

I did break and text him once a month later after all this.  Something along the lines of an inside joke, and ended with hope you’re well.  No questions necessary. He responded with a series of questions and I sorta played it cool.  Short response, no questions.  My guess was if he was into me then he’d continue. 

Any insight on what went down?  I’ve never had the juxtaposing behavior of I like you let’s talk everyday to … nothing.  Always on the fence of what went down and well, if he’s worth trying to get in touch with again.  I still think about him alot, which is weirder, dated plenty since then. 

If you have the chance I’d love to hear your feedback.

Thanks for your time,
C |Age: 26

This can be summed up quite easily.

He’s a mess.

The brother told you that he was, at times, paralyzed by insecurity and the fear of being rejected. Boom. Done. That’s all you need to know. It’s one thing to fear rejection. We all do. But to be “paralyzed” by it is not the same as having the occasional bout of insecurity.  This guy doesn’t even make his own decisions. His brother told him to stop emailing you. And he did it. Case closed. This guy is an emotional wreck. You don’t want him when he’s in this shape. 

What went down is that he isn’t any good with relationships. He probably usually dates girls who do all the heavy lifting and work. Not because he’s lazy but because he hasn’t a clue what to do. Do you want to be someone’s partner and equal or do you want to be someone’s nursemaid and caretaker?

You’re trying to rationalize irrational behavior. That’s what has you stuck. That’s where so many of us get stuck. Someone acts really in to us, shows signs of interests then puts the walls up  without warning. That’s not rational. I’m not saying the guy is crazy…just in need of some serious fixin’. But that is not your job. Don’t fall in to that pattern of taking in all the stray dogs and wounded birds. It’s great to be compassionate and kind. But there are some people that can’t be saved by love. That’s a Lifetime movie.

You don’t have to help him. Just don’t hurt him.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, It's Him, Latests Posts, Signs of Interest, Understanding Men

Are You His Back Up Plan?

May 8, 2011 by 44 Comments

Name: Sheila |  Location: New York, NY |Question: I recently had two dates with a man from Match.com.  Both dates lasted 3 to 4 hours. At the end of the second date he told me how much he enjoyed hanging out with me and that he really liked me. I reciprocated and said the same. He also said he wanted to go out again this week. Our last date was Friday night. I sent him an email on Saturday thanking him for dinner telling him I looked forward to seeing him again. This morning I received and email from him telling me he had fun too, but that he had been seeing someone else and has decided to see where things go with her. I didn’t know what to say. He had just told me two days before that he wanted to see me again. He said that people are often tempted to date multiple people that they connect with online and that that hasn’t worked for him in the past so he’s decided to focus on this one particular woman.Then he said that, should things not work out, maybe we could reconnect in the future.  That made me feel like he didn’t value me or my feelings and was thinking of me as a possible back up plan. What kind response should I give him? |Age: 37

Well, let’s back up for a minute.

That made me feel like he didn’t value me or my feelings

This sort of self-flagellation just isn’t healthy. He didn’t value you?  That’s an extreme thought, isn’t it. Isn’t that brutal? I hear women say this to other women, and I don’t think they really understand how statements like this chip away at a woman’s sense of self. Really, this is us projecting our own feelings of low self-worth on to the man (and possibly other women.) It’s an ugly way of trying to taint or poison our minds in to believing that men are crap. Convince yourself that men are crap and they’ll treat you like crap. That’s how that works.

I value things that mean a great deal to me. Usually, those are things that come with sentiment or serious purpose or that fulfill an important need. I value my friends. I value my mother’s cigarette case that she bought at a church bazaar. I value my laptop and phone. I don’t value my furniture. I don’t value my clothes. Don’t get me wrong. I like them. I enjoy them. But should my furniture all go away, I’ll survive. I’ll just replace it. My laptop dies? I’m screwed. It’s hard to attach a lot of sentiment in to someone you went out with twice, know what I mean?

This guy took you out twice. His decision to focus on one specific woman that is not you is not a statement to your value or the value he is supposed to have had for you. It was two dates.  If anything, the fact that he communicated his thoughts in an honest and timely fashion should tell you that he likes you and respects you. Our value is not based upon what others think of us. We determine our value. How a man that we barely know treats us is not a reflection on what our worth is.

Now, let’s discuss the back-up plan idea. That’s an unattractive way of describing it, though to some degree it is accurate. He is leaving the door open should things with the other woman not work out. Is he wrong for doing this? I don’t think so. He’s just keeping his options open. Is he foolish for putting it to you in this way? I think so, yeah. But he’s probably thinking, “Hey, I’m being honest. Women say they want us to be honest, right?” He probably thinks he’s doing the right thing. I don’t think he’s trying to put you down or disrespect you by saying it. I also believe he’s trying to say, in an awkward way, that he was genuinely interested/attracted to you. Most men are just not going to break down and write some love letter or testimonial about what a great date/person you are. I don’t think this should be held against him. If he comes back around, go out with him if you’re available. But only do so if you can let go of any possible resentment, or else you’ll be trying to make him pay for something you think he did, but that maybe he didn’t actually do.

Of course, it’s going to be hard to get past feeling like second choice should he contact you in the future. But you don’t know that you were second best. He could have had 5 dates with her and 2 dates with you. You weren’t so much second choice as you were late to the party. He could have based his choice on various things. Maybe he took things to a physical level with this woman and prefers not to juggle. Maybe he feels obligated to her because he’s been out with her more. And, yes, maybe he likes her more right now, but that makes sense since he may have gone out with her more and spent more time with her. There are dozens of reason why he’s choosing her that have nothing to do with you.

And, yes, he very well might be lying, cushioning the blow because he doesn’t want to hurt you or doesn’t want to leave the situation ambiguous or open for discussion. Again, this might not be about you.

What you do know is that, for now, the door is closed on this possible relationship. The whys and details don’t matter.  You should reply and say you understand and good luck. DO NOT thank him for his honesty, though. That will make him think that what he said was appropriate. It really isn’t. I think men are confused about what constitutes honesty, at least as honesty is defined by women. We need to figure out what sort of honesty we prefer before we start requesting total honesty from men.

 

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Latests Posts, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Online Dating

Why Men Prefer to Keep It Simple

May 6, 2011 by 9 Comments

Here’s the scenario.

A man and woman meet at a party. They become Facebook friends, occasionally trading wall posts or messages. After a few months the woman suggests to the man that they meet for a drink. She suggested a time and a fcew possible meeting places. He countered with a different time and location. She replied and agreed to the location, and asked to keep things at the time she suggested due to a previous engagement. He never replied. She went ahead and went to the location they originally decided upon at the time she suggested. He never showed. She contacted him, asking if she had gotten the nights mixed up. No response.  She followed up once more a week later and asked if he wanted to try again. He replied and told her he wasn’t interested in meeting up, and thanked her in advance for understanding. The woman was confused, wondering how someone could go from one point to the other like that and then stand her up. Her friend told her that she didn’t buy that he never wanted to meet her in the first place, as he suggested a time and a place. The friend also felt his response was condescending and dismissive.

 

Okay. Let’s break this one down point by point.

1. This man did not stand her up – As we were discussing recently in an earlier post this week, unless the two of you verbalize an understanding or agreed upon time and location, consider the date tentative at best. He never replied to her request to keep it at the original time she suggested because he never was all that interested in meeting up. When a man doesn’t reply, that’s your answer.

2. His response, while abrupt and with a sting, was honest - We can say we want honesty. We can even demand it.  But we can’t control the delivery. Nor can we can control how we feel once we get it.  Personally, I much prefer a direct approach than something flowery. I once had a man use a Winston Churchill quote with me as he delivered his truth. “I am always ready to learn although I do not always like to be taught.” As pretentious and douchey as that is, it was an appropriate quote.  We want to hear the reason why someone doesn’t want us. At least we say we do. And then we hear it and it bites. Ultimately, though, it unburdens us.

3. We’re right when we say that it makes no sense that someone go from point A to Point B so quickly and unceremoniously – They don’t. That’s because they were always at Point B. Someone can agree to meet up with absolutely no genuine interest in you. Maybe they’re bored or have time to kill. Or maybe they plan on canceling last minute. Just because someone accepts an invitation doesn’t mean they feel or sense what we feel or sense.When you find yourself wondering why or how someone could go from hot to cold, it’s because they were probably already cold. Why did they do this or say that? Who knows. What matters is the final outcome. There’s your answer.

4.When someone is rejecting you, you are being dismissed - If it feels dismissive, that’s because it is. There isn’t really any easy way to say it. Where men are concerned, at least, there is no softening up the inevitable blow to the gut. That’s why they deliver such news rather bluntly. They are talking to you they way people talk to them and they way they talk to other men. It’s quicker. More merciful. Which, frankly, I prefer.

5. Keep it simple, stupid - That’s the motto most men adhere to. The main reason why men keep it brief is this: they know some women have a tendency to over analyze and read things in to their words. By keeping it succinct and to the point, there’s less of a chance of that.   So while it feels like they are being abrupt, they’re really just trying to be precise so as to avoid confusion. Guys, if you want something to be over with little extended conversation, keep it short and sweet and to the point. You are not doing us favors by writing prose or manifestos. In fact, you’re completely contradicting yourself when you do so. The other problem with writing too much is that you can end up overwhelming her with details and information that leave her completely confused, which will only lead to more questions from her. There’s a point where the brain just shuts down and can no longer process all the things being thrown its way.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Share
Filed Under: Break Ups, Closure, Dating, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Latests Posts, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, The Fade

Why You Should Treat Men Like Options

April 28, 2011 by 16 Comments

LETTER #1 – APRIL 13

Name: micky | | Location: CEDAREDGE , co |Question: I was just recently introduced to this guy through a mutual friend. I live about 250 miles away from him, (I am a teacher)and he just moved to my hometown. I spend a lot of time back home and I will spend all summer there.  He asked this friend to give me his number, so I texted him that I got his number, enjoyed meeting him, and if he ever wanted to meet somewhere to give me a call, and my number as well. He texted back ” Hey it was great to meet you too! I got wrangled into some other plans this wkd, but next time your in town give me a holler!” My question is I am going to be home this weekend, do I call him or do I just forget about him? He seemed like a really nice guy, but he could just be giving me a brushoff, and I really don’t know what to do! I need some real honest good advice. |Age: 28

LETTER #2 – APRIL 26TH

Name: micky |  | Location: Grand Junction , CO |Question: I was introduced to a guy through a mutual friend and he told her to give me his number. So I texted him and told him I enjoyed meeting him. He texted back and said it was great to meet me too, and next time I am in town ( i live out of town)to give him a holler. So two weeks later I am back and I text him asking if he wants to meet up. He texted back that he had to work and he already had plans for the evening. Should I just move on or should I give it another try? If I ask again will he take that as a sign of neediness, or what? He didn’t say lets meet up next weekend, but my friend said that he might not want to for fear of what my schedule is like…and she said it was Easter Weekend and h may have had legitimate plans. So confused… and I am interested in this guy, but I would like to get to know him better, so what is the deal here? |Age: 28

 

There is no deal here.  You are a woman he met one time that he thought was cool and, should his schedule allow it, would hang out with it. It’s not that he’s giving you the brush off. He’s just not thinking about you. You live 250 miles away. You’re not really a viable relationship option for him. Sure, he might get together with you at some point. But he’s not investing any time or thought in to you.  You, on the other hand, are trying to decipher his actions. Stop that. You’ll never know what he’s really thinking.

The first sign that this guy wasn’t all that invested is that he asked your mutual friend to pass along his number to you instead of asking the friend for your number and contacting you himself. That right there tells you all you need to know. He is not going to pursue you in any way. He’s not going to drive out to see you. He’s not going to meet you in the middle.

People like this, who make no real effort, don’t deserve this much thought. I’m not saying he’s a scoundrel for not immediately trying to see you again or for tossing off comments like “give me a holler.” He’s just doing what many people do…keeping their options open while not locking themselves in to anything.  There’s nothing wrong with that. I doubt he’s saying these things to intentionally confuse you. In fact, I really don’t think you factor in to the equation all that much.

I used to sit and watch my male friends flirt and hit on any attractive woman they encountered. It wasn’t really about the woman.  We meet someone we find attractive, we talk with them a bit, we ask for their number or give them ours. It’s almost a Pavlovian response.

This is why so many people wonder why, after they give their number to someone, they never hear from the person. Often times there isn’t an ounce of actual intention to call the person. It’s just a conditioned response. A safety measure, really. They load their phone up with numbers and then, if the mood strikes them or they have nothing to do, they call the person and ask them out. Again…this does not automatically make them shady or lazy or not looking for anything substantive.

Now….is it possible to convert one of these situations in to something more substantive? Sure. If you can relinquish the need to control the outcome and the situation, you can use these scenarios to your advantage. But you have to understand that timing plays a key role. People can change their intentions and desires at any given time. Someone might not be looking for anything serious one month. Then two months later they decide they want a relationship. It happens.You have to stop trying to bang a square peg in to a round hole and just sit back and let things unfold.

Where we often trip ourselves up is that we place far too much importance on insignificant levels of attention or effort. You want to contact him again? Okay. Wait until you don’t care whether he replies or not. You need to take the same casual approach to him (and other men) as he is taking towards you. You can not let how or if he responds to you control how you feel or how you think. This guy is not the only man on earth.It’s this sort of mentality that encourages us to latch on to the wrong people.

We do this for several reasons:

1. The person we’ve latched on to represents something to us – Our infatuation or attachment to this person isn’t even about them. It’s about how they make us feel about ourselves. I was talking to my friend M. recently about the “caste system” theory. This theory implies that there are certain types (or “calibers”) of people that tend to exclusively date those who are in the same “class.” Some might call it shallow, and often times it is. But it’s also a case of like attracting like. The guy who takes pride in his expensive suits and fancy dinners is usually seen with a woman who places the same level of importance on labels and status. I know that I am not polished enough to ever capture the attention of one of these men. And that’s okay. But for years I wanted one of those men because I needed their approval. Some men or women are always going to be out of our league.  Not simply because of their looks, but because our core values are so different.

2. We’d rather focus on someone – anyone – than be alone with our thoughts - A lot of people need to  have someone on which to obsess or focus. Just the idea that someone out there might want them is enough to carry them through. As long as there’s someone out there that wants them, they’re okay. They don’t have to do any sort of personal inventory or be accountable.

3. We think this is our last chance - It’s only your last chance if you truly believe that. What’s really funny is that , even though we frequently find ourselves attracted to someone, we still believe that there is this shortage of men or women out there. If we’re always finding people that we like, how could there be a shortage?

4. We don’t really want a relationship and prefer to self-sabotage - The more common reason for getting attached to the wrong people is that they’re safe. They pose no risk. We can convince ourselves that we want a relationship and we support that claim by pursuing people that we know, on some level, we will never have. This is just another way we can avoid being honest with ourselves about our flaws or fears.

To the OP, this guy is treating you like an option. That’s how you need to treat him. Try it. The less importance you place on him, the less likely you will be to trip yourself up and get in your own way. That’s how we end up scaring or turning off people who could very well end up being right for us. If this is a consistent problem for you, you need to examine your behavior and figure out how you are contributing to this outcome. Figure that out and deal with it and you’ll be better able to take the relaxed and casual approach you need to get what you want.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Latests Posts, Loneliness

Why Bother Dating?

April 12, 2011 by 26 Comments

Name: chatty || Location: san diego , california |Question: Here is a question… Is it possible for a guy who pays to find love doing so? I have decided I only want to date women I meet in strip clubs, because I can have a good conversation with them, and decide if there is any physical attraction to them right off the bat.. Then I can talk to them, easily, get to know them, at my convenience, and decide if they are the kind of person I would like to hang out with.. I have found that all it takes to get a stripper’s real name and real number is about 400 to 500 dollars worth of dances… After you spend that kind of money, she will, with almost no exception, give you some kind of contact info, and you can pursue her further.

There are obvious pitfalls, eg when that becomes for them, a way of ensuring income, so they text you when they are working and ask you to come in… they are not really interested in you, they are just interested in your money.

How do I get around this…is there a way to develop a genuine relationship which is started in somewhat dubious circumstances? I would love to hear from girls who met their guys in rather dubious ways…

Also, how do you go back to regular dating when you know that rather than pay 400 dollars for dinner over a few dates which maybe go nowhere you could just pay 400 dollars and have a girl show you a real good time and then sit around and talk for awhile and laugh about it, and then you have her number?

Why does anyone who has any sort of decent sex drive at all even go on a regular date? So many judgments and rules and games… so much being appropriate and doing things by the rules… when you can just break the rules and have fun?

|Age: 36

The really frustrating part of this letter?

I’m trying to come up with a compelling argument, but I can’t.

Yes, what if he ends up blowing $500 on a woman only to find out she’s not really interested? That happens when you meet women the regular way, too. Although not as often. Hah! There! I have an argument.

But the rest? I do see his point. I mean, it’s depressing, of course. But I get it. I see the point he is making. For the record, I don’t think he’s serious about trying to date strippers because it makes more sense. I think (at least I hope) he’s trying to make an analogy.
Why does anyone who has any sort of decent sex drive at all even go on a regular date? So many judgments and rules and games… so much being appropriate and doing things by the rules… when you can just break the rules and have fun?

I agree with you in theory. It would be better if we all let go of our hang ups and pre-conceived ideas and biases and “rules.” But that would include getting rid of the opinions you’ve clearly formed about women. In your mind, we’re all blood sucking parasites who are just after your money and waste your time. My friend, pick up a newspaper. Right now, we’re kind of carrying your asses. There’s more of us XX’s graduating college than there are of you. When the economy was at it’s lowest in these past couple years, guess how many of us were going back to work to help pick up the slack in our homes and relationships? So, please spare me this junk about how we’re all after your wallets. Because we’re the ones filling a lot of them right now. Sorry for the mini-rant, but I’m tired of having the sins of a segment of women held against me just because I, too, have a vagina.You guys are no walk in the pahk. (That spelling was intentional, as when I get heated I tend to speak in my Boston accent.)

On a related note, I was recently told by a man that I turned down for a second date due to his constant travel schedule that I “didn’t have enough earning potential anyway.” That was a first for me. I have no idea if he’s just been burned too many times by women (he perceived were) after his money or what. But I laughed out loud when I read his response. I was being dumped (even though I was the one to turn him down) for being poor. I don’t know if that’s funny or telling or scary or all three.

Back to the topic….

We go on dates because they hold possibility.  Yes, there’s all these rules that many of us don’t even know exist, so we don’t even know what we’re doing “wrong” half the time. There’s a ton of uncertainty involved.

Which is why we need to get rid of the fear-based dating approach. We’ve forgotten how to trust, I think. We’re all waiting for the other shoe to drop and looking for signs of someone’s true colors. We’re too afraid to just say Que Sera, Sera. Whatever will be, will be. Yep, she might be using you. Or he might be blowing you off. Or they might be lying about wanting a relationship when they really don’t. Or too busy. But you’re never going to know if you sit back and wait for some stranger you barely know to lay all their cards on the table and tell you you’re on the exact same page and prove to you that they’re not just some self-serving turd just looking for a free meal, or sex or attention. Yes, you’re going to encounter those people. It’s inevitable. But you have to be willing to kiss a few frogs, as they say.

In closing, as a tie in of sorts, that guy that I said I went out with 5 times and he said he needed to take a few weeks to focus on work? He emailed me Sunday afternoon. He was back in town, he said, and wanted to see me this upcoming weekend. Could he just be looking for a piece? I don’t know. Is he still going to bee busy bee? Probably. What I do know is that he said he needed a few weeks to focus on work and things going on in his life, and he followed up. I could have blown him off or gotten pissy when he first told me he needed a mini-break. Instead I just said, “Okay. I understand.” I could have spent three weeks pissed and hurt and angry and analyzing whether he was lying or telling the truth. (Of course I vented to a couple close friends. I’m not that above it. ) Or I could have just chosen to keep my options and my mind open. Maybe it will lead to something serious, maybe it won’t. I don’t know. And I’m okay with that.

Now, if I – Queen of the overthinking and compulsive questioning and cynical thinking can do that? So can you.

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
Filed Under: Dating, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Latests Posts, Meeting Women, Traditional Dating Rules, Understanding Men
«Older Posts