You are here: Home / Archives for Drama Queens

Do You Need Dating To Be Dramatic?

May 7, 2013 by 10 Comments

Name: melisabless
Comment: I started somehow a relationship with a guy (we are working in the same place but i’m just a part-time and he’s a full-time). I got to know him the last few months. First I thought he was in me and he was trying to create some occasions to get together along with other coworkers. Then he told he was separating with his-ex with whom he is still sharing the house (he says she will leave soon? when she finds a place but i don’t know when, or even it’s true). But he continued. He was trying to spend time with me and he seemed really interested and nice. I also liked to spend time with him. and we started somewhat a relationship after spending at most to weeks texting and seeing each other frequently but in a friendly basis. Then he told me that he likes me and we kissed the same day. We are kissing a lot in public areas, like high school kids. At the end of the first week, in a day he was sure that his ex wouldn’t come to home (which was also his last night before he left for a one moth work travel), i went to his flat and we had sex and i stayed there at the night.

Now things are quite confusing,
1. he introduced himself at a time that later understood he was in a relationship.
2. before the time we kissed for the first time he was so interested in me and was trying to spent as much time as possible with me; it change within 2 days, he put somewhat a distance, acted confusing. when i asked he said he’s confused because of the situation he’s in; and he knew it’s strange for us but it’s just a kind of weird ‘beginning’.
3. one night i visited him outside his apartment and he didn’t want us to be seen together by his ex, saying he didn’t want any drama. (His ex has a new relationship for almost 2 months by the way).
4. when i went his flat i saw their photos together still hanging on the board, which i couldn’t get but didn’t make an issue. When i simply mentioned the photos he acted neutral, with no reaction.
5. He waited to become alone to demand a skype talk with me. Before that he was on a conference with a coworker for one week. In that one week he was not trying to have a mutual contact. this made me uncomfortable. (You might think that i am expecting too much too soon, it’s true but he made me felt like that. because the second day of our ‘thing’ he told me that would miss me so much and he didn’t want to go…)

Positive signs:
- He’s texting me just before and after his flights and when he got his hotels.
- This week on skype or on any chatting medium he told me that he’s missing me several times.

for the completeness:
- While we were seeing each other friendly, i asked him i he wanted to get back together with his ex. He said no way. and that relationship ended. But again it’s what he says.
- I already told him that complication and confusion are the last things i need i my life right now. and even decided to end this issue that day but continued somehow.
- he’s around the same age with me.

So there is not a specific question: but the questions in my mind are “did i move too fast by  allowing him getting close in his first trial?” “should i slow down the things, but how?” i even logically think that i should suggest him “to move 2 steps backward to the friendship position and get to know each other better because things seem too complicated”.

As you see there is no clear question, but i liked your comments on other issues so i wanted to hear your opinion.

Thanks in advance
Age: 32
City: den haag
State: NL

 

I know you’re hoping that I’ll analyze this story from every angle, but I honestly don’t see the point. What I hear in this letter is drama. Drama, drama, drama. The first clue was the passive role you took in this scenario. You didn’t “somehow” get involved with this guy. You made a conscious choice to do so. You have continued to pursue this relationship despite all the hurdles and challenges. I honestly don’t think anything I say will affect how you approach this issue.

No, you shouldn’t try to go back to the point  before you and this guy hooked up. The conflict that has erupted in these scenario has nothing to do with his lack of familiarity with you. It has everything to do with the fact that he has a messy living situation and doesn’t want to tie up those loose ends. Also contributing to this is your willingness to stand by and wait as he figures out what to do next. He doesn’t want drama? That’s adorable. You don’t want confusion? How cute. Weird how you both managed to find the exact things you claim you wish to avoid. His ex has moved on and now he’s trying to do so, too. I won’t slag on him for still living with her, as many people choose to do that for financial reasons or because the timing isn’t right to move. That said, a mature person would realize that bringing somebody else into this mess probably isn’t wise. That’s the opposite of wanting to avoid drama. Remember what I said earlier: the red flags are in the inconsistencies.

My opinion is that this guy is not available and that you’re wasting your time.

As I was saying to a friend over the weekend, I really haven’t had much dating drama in my life in the past couple of years. Hence my increasing impatience with some of these letters. The way to avoid all of this wailing and gnashing of teeth is to simply decide, once and for all, that you’ve had enough and stay resolved to that. I don’t need to investigate particular arrangements, nor do I let my curiosity get the better of me and proceed when all signs point to chaos. I just say no. If a red flag is waving, I turn around and go the other way. It simply isn’t worth the emotional bandwidth that it sucks up to engage in settings like this. Making that easier is that I’ve all but curbed my need to complain or brag- publicly or privately – about my difficulties or successes. While my inner attention-whore cries out from time to time, for the most part she has been sated.

I honestly believe that many of the troubles we encounter in dating are driven by our need to be recognized and acknowledged.  That’s it. We don’t really want the people we claim to be chasing or pining for.  We just want something to announce and use as a bid for attention.  Something about these dating-related farces give people a false sense of importance. They’re black hole fillers and nothing more. In place of the intimacy we seek, we create drama for ourselves.

Try and find that spotlight somewhere other than through dating. All you will end up achieving is depleting yourself of the energy you’ll need to find and hold on to a healthy relationship. Instead of fearing that emptiness, embrace it. It’s the need to run away from that void and pretend that it doesn’t exist that leads us to jump at any opportunity to fill it.

Share
Filed Under: Compatibility, Crowdsource!, Dating, Drama Queens, Dysfunction Junction Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Depression, Daddy Issues & Meds – When Do You Reveal Your Baggage?

April 15, 2013 by 23 Comments

Name: Sophia
Comment: I’d like your advice on looking for relationship when you have baggage – as in emotional/mental baggage.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens. These days, I have those issues under control though I may have days when I feel overwhelmed and get headaches. I’m on medication in low dosage, and see a therapist twice a month.

This does not mean I am some crazy psycho. I spend each day trying to understand myself more so I could combat my issues. I take care of myself by eating healthy and exercising. I even meditate sometimes to sort things out. I may have issues, but they do not control me. I may have bad days, but not on a regular basis.

It seems a lot of guys refuse to date any woman who is on psychiatric meds or in therapy. I was always aware that my problems will turn guys off, but it seems so few are willing to give such a woman a chance. I used to delay revealing my issues until after several dates, but now I feel I need to mention it early on. Before, I used to think it was too personal to tell a guy about my meds and all, but now I don’t want to waste my time with someone who’ll turn out to be judgmental.

Part of my problem is that I have daddy-issues. My father and I have always had a difficult relationship, and I can be kind of guarded, and then needy once I relax. This doesn’t mean that I hate men or I’m an emotional wreck. I think I simply require a certain type of guy. A lot of guys ask what kind of relationship I have with my dad, which makes since because it says a lot about you. I usually answer that we have our days when things are not easy. I don’t want to be that woman with daddy issues, even if I do, but I don’t know how to properly answer that question.

I would just like advice on how to navigate the dating scene when there are aspects of me that make guys run in the opposite direction. I would like to have a relationship with a stable, decent guy but I’m aware that kind of a guy would be hard for me to get.
Age: 31
City: New York
State: New York

 

It seems a lot of guys refuse to date any woman who is on psychiatric meds or in therapy.

I disagree with this. I think, especially in NYC, taking meds and going to therapy is actually very common. I can’t imagine anybody here in Manhattan being so thrown by this information. What I can envision is a person being a bit concerned that a near-stranger has decided to unload all their problems on them on their first couple of dates.

A lot of guys ask what kind of relationship I have with my dad,

This, too, feels off to me. Really? Guys quiz you on your relationship with your Dad? Is that how the conversation goes? Or do you maybe bring up your Dad, possibly give off the impression that it’s a contentious relationship and the guys pick up on your cues and ask questions to be polite?

If you have your depression under control, then what’s the big deal? I’m sorry to be dismissive but depression and anxiety aren’t all that rare or scandalous. To me, it sounds like you actually want to be treated with kids glove about all this. There’s really no reason for you to tell someone you’ve just begun dating that you have to take medication. If your issues with depression or anxiety actually compromised your relationships or made them difficult, then I could see opening about and revealing this information. But if you’re taking care of yourself and following a doctor’s advice, then I don’t see why you would feel compelled to share this.

I’m thinking that your challenge isn’t the fact that you suffer from anxiety and depression. I’m going to guess the problem is in the way you present this information. If you use it as an excuse to explain why you get needy them yeah, a guy is probably going to bail. Not because you’re on meds but because you’re needy. You’re trying to find a connection between your mental health and why men appear to abandon relationships with you, but I’m not sure there is one. It could be as simple as you get unnecessarily insecure and cloying. Is that related to your anxiety? Possibility. But not definitely. And that is certainly treatable. It’s quite possible you’re just really needy for  constant validation and confirmation of a man’s interest. You can be sure that will send most guys running.

What I hear in your letter is, “I’m really complex. How do I get men to understand all the intricacies involved with me?” The problem with that is that you’re really not all that unique. You seem to be defining yourself by these extremely common mental health issues. You speak like you’re not stable when you are. You’re applying the stigma to you. Not them.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Drama Queens, Dysfunction Junction, First Impressions, Meeting Men, Meeting Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What Do You Do When An Ex Publicly Calls You Out?

December 6, 2012 by 43 Comments

Question: What’s your advice to a man who was recently blasted on OK Cupid and Twitter (by username) by a woman he dated a few times? I met A. through OKC. She mentioned in her profile that she wrote for a website/blog. My curiosity got the better of me and I asked for the link. From there I found her Twitter and followed her. After a couple dates I got the feeling we wouldn’t be a good mix. I ended things after the 4th date. Looking back I should have followed my initial instincts and ended things before they went too far. We had sex on the third and fourth date. After that I told her I didn’t think things would work out. I thought I’d wait awhile before unfollowing her. The day after I “broke up” with her she updated her OKC profile and said she was off the market for a bit because of being humiliated by me. The same day she posted a link to my OKC profile on her Twitter feed telling everybody what an ass I was. This all happened two weeks ago and she’s still saying things. Should I contact her and try to smooth things over? – G., 33 – Facebook

 

Do not contact her. It’ll just give her more to bitch and complain about. Trust me. I know of what I speak on this matter. Any attempt to offer an olive branch will seem phony at this point.

I’m not sure how you found out that she said anything. Did someone alert you to this fact? Or were you creeping her pages just to be sure she wasn’t bad mouthing you? If it’s the latter, then stop that pronto. If she bad mouths you, she bad mouths you. As long as she’s not naming you by name, then who gives a shit? Disable your OK Cupid profile and start a new one. There. Problem solved. Could she find it and continue to bad mouth you? Yes. Again, who gives a shit? Just by outing you she looks psychotic and anybody who would listen to her isn’t worth your time. Just stop caring about this. If she finds out that you’re watching her, I guarantee you she will keep it up. I am absolutely guilty of this. When I found out that someone I was involved with was creeping all my social media, I made it a point to say things on Twitter (and only Twitter) that he could construe were about him. Petty? Counter-productive? Yes and Yes. Bite me. It felt great. I never used specifics or linked to anything, nor did I make it a daily or even weekly habit. The only reason he knew what I was saying was because he was watching. (I had changed all the URLs/usernames to my social media profiles because of him. The only way he would have been able to find the new pages was if he either a) made a point to find the new address or b) been following me under a fake profile all along. See how that works?) He eventually wrote me and warned me that his gf’s ex-cop uncle was monitoring my online activity across various sites. That’s why, OP, you shouldn’t say anything. You’ll be outing yourself as reading her stuff and end up looking stalkery (and flat out pathetic) yourself.

A few tips for venting about an ex publicly:

1. Never use specifics of any kind - You can’t be reckless in this day and age. No, you’re not being careful if you only reveal their unique first name. You’re doing it intentionally to make them look bad, and that makes you an asshole with impulse control issues. Be careful not to reveal anything that will lead people right to your subject. Remember this: the enemy of my enemy is my friend. If you’ve got skeletons of your own, you can be sure they’ll tumble out of that closet right quick.

2. Never use criticism to smoke someone out – If your ex refuses to reply to your attempts at contact, take that as a sign that they don’t want to talk to you. Running to Twitter, Facebook and YouTube to publicly reveal intimate details about their life in dribs and drabs is not the way to get them to respond.  Behavior like that makes you look like an awful, immature, vindictive crazy person, despite what your sycophantic followers tell you.

3. Have some dignity - Rolling around wailing on Twitter is not only unbecoming, it’s insufferable and unbearable to watch. If you get dumped, lick your wounds privately. Again, trust me on this, The last person you want seeing you so vulnerable is the person that you believed hurt you. It gives them far too much power over you. They’ll watch and wait and strike when they think you’re vulnerable.

4. Keep private matters private - Leave text messages and emails and profile info offline. Look, just because it didn’t work out for you doesn’t mean they aren’t a good person. Learn the difference between a good person in a bad situation and a bad person.

5. Remember that it’s a small world - Take, for example, an email I received the other night from a reader. They happened to be a reader of another blog. A recent post perked up their ears because the numerous specifics mentioned about the guy in question fit a regular commenter here. Sure enough, when I read the blog, I realized the woman was lambasting someone I knew. And while he absolutely brought it upon himself, she still looked bad for what she said and came off immature and spiteful.

 

Tips to avoid being bitchy blogger fodder:

1. Do your research - Your first clue that this girl was going to do something like this was that she admitted in her profile that she writes for a website or keeps a blog. That’s your cue. These are rarely isolated incidents. Meaning, this woman has undoubtedly done this before. If you read her website or tweets and she seems attention whorey, you can be sure she’ll eventually use you as bait to get it. If she does appear loose lipped, approach with caution.

2. Don’t lie about reading her blog or tweets – Granted, deep down, we know that it’s a lie. But if you tell us that you’re not reading, we’re going to test you. That’s when the rubber hits the road. Let me tell you, if we know we have you or anyone close to you as part of our audience, we’ll use this to our advantage.

3. Don’t put anything you don’t want public knowledge in writing – Keep all communication during the first few dates brief and innocuous. That person has to prove themselves to you. Before our first date, the guy I’ve been dating and I talked about what I do for a living. We even read some of the blog together. I was open to any and all concerns he voiced. As someone who does this for a living or for a hobby, you have to understand that what we do is really unsettling to most men.

4. Don’t date someone because of their blog - Oh, so you like to be written about? Remember you said that. Nobody likes to feel like an experiment.

5. Don’t follow them on social media until things get serious – That way, there’s no messy unfollowing or defriending.

I say you try and capitalize on this. Let this girl give you free promotion. The smart women will recognize that you dumped a Crazy. Or her hate followers will do what they can to get one over on her and try to date you so they can rub her face in it. Whatever you do, do not contact her and try to ignore it. She’s trying to get your attention because she hopes you’re reading. Don’t react and I assure you she’ll get tired of it and find another victim. Don’t unfollow her or block her, either. Do not reveal your presence at all. If she sees that she’d getting to you, she’ll keep it up.

 

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Dating The Crazy, Deaing With an Ex, Drama Queens, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Your Love Life Isn’t a Lifetime Movie

August 19, 2012 by 14 Comments

On St Patty’s day, I met 25 yr old J at a bar. We had a nice night that ended in kissing. Since that night he kept in touch with me every day via text, but bc he was busy with work and night classes we didn’t see each other much. Since he didn’t make much time to see me I took this as classic “he’s not that into you” even though he seemed like a really nice shy sweet guy. So when he wanted to hang out if I had time, we would meet up with a drink–sometimes with his friends. The most we did over knowing each other was kiss a handful of times. Each time we hung out we had a good time, I could tell, and then he started to want to hang out more frequently, but I didn’t take him too seriously because he never put in that much effort.

I also rejoined OKCupid in mid April. After a string of mediocre dates, I met 35 year old M. M and I hit it off right away and I could tell we had a good first date. He did all the right things. Made time to see me, send me cute little emails or texts every day, bought flowers, made dinner. We get along really well too but I had some reservations about our compatibility. And he is a MAN and this really intimidated me because I usually date boyish guys. Three weeks after meeting M, I had drinks with J and told him I had started seeing someone, but I liked him and his friends and hoped we could be friends. I didn’t think he would mind at all. But he got upset! It really surprised me. He begged me to meet with him later in the week to hear him out. He apologized to me for not making it clear how much he liked me, he told me he was willing to put in the time and effort to make a relationship and that he really liked me. I said we could only be friends, but I must admit after a year of dating losers, the attention was flattering and felt really nice. Also, I think I was protecting myself and didn’t want to get too invested in M because I had been hurt a few time via OKC. Since then, J and I hung out about 1-2 a week just as friends. During this time, M told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else and I said me either, which was technically true :/

M went out of town for a weekend, and I spent a day with J. Just having lunch, running errands, and I had a great great time. But I wasn’t feeling conflicted until M got back and I felt like we didn’t connect. He is more the strong silent type and I wanted to connect via talking when he got back into town and he wanted to connect by having sex. I got really confused and conflicted and acted standoffish to M and a little bit mean. I am not proud of how I acted. M is a smart, intuitive guy who had been through a lot in life and relationships. He knew something was off right away. And he kept probing–”What happened when I was away?” “This isn’t like you.” He kept pushing a little. Finally, I broke down but I LIED and told him I ran into an old friend over the weekend who said he had feelings for me and I was conflicted. But I thought about it and wanted to be with him. The next day, we talked about it some more and I LIED again and told him, I had actually made plans to see the guy. Then the next day, M told me I had to tell him the whole story because he would not put up with lying and I had to figure out what my heart wants. After a day of thinking about everything, I told M the whole entire truth and told him I wanted to be with him and that I would not see J again. He said he was happy for the truth and happy to be with me because he really likes me and wanted to try to put effort into making the relationship work (he said in his last relationship, which was 5 years long, they didn’t communicate or put effort and that was their downfall and that he learned from those mistakes). Maybe, me being naive, I thought everything would be fine from then on, but it still took a few more days of talking about things. I just wanted to sweep it under the rug. Since that time when I admitted the truth, most of the time things have been really good between M and I. We just had two really great weekends in a row, and we are doing well. But this week, he asked if I had heard from J. I told the truth and said he wrote me emails a few times, but I didn’t respond to the last one and I hadn’t talked to him in weeks. I got upset that he even brought it up! I think it should be done by now! And I got angry and we fought a little. My girlfriends agree, but my guy friends say it is going to take some more time to build back the trust and his ego is bruised. Do you think he can get past this? He said he doesn’t want to control me or police me, he just wants to be in an open honest relationship and it still hurts that I lied to him.

The thing is I apologized over and over and I told him why I did it. And what’s even more, is that I’m not really a liar, I am a pretty good, solid, dependable person who only wants the best for people. So I get so upset that he views me as a liar and/or cheat. Because I made a mistake but that isn’t WHO I AM. And I thought I was doing the right thing by telling J we could only be friends and never cheated.

I guess I’m just asking if you think we can get to a healthy happy place? - Confused, 30

No, because you don’t want to be in a happy, healthy place. You’re 30 years old chumming around with a 25 year old. There’s my first clue. Most 25 year old guys aren’t think long term relationship when they date women that much older than them. Even if they are, they’ll eventually wake up and remember they can date younger.  A woman who wants a real relationship doesn’t go for a guy that young, either. Just like a 29 year old doesn’t seriously date a 20 year old. There’s a reason why someone your age would go for someone that young, and it’s usually not genuine compatibility. (Except for you, bro. Your situation is TOTALLY different. ) Usually the compatibility is based on each person’s mutual emotional immaturity. And you, my love, are wildly emotionally immature.

Whether you realize it or not, when you came home from your day of hanging out with J., you were intentionally acting stand offish in order to get M. to ask you what was wrong.

Know how I know you were looking to cause drama? Because there was no reason for you to tell M anything, as you had supposedly made your decision. Oh, right. “I want to start things off with a clean slate!” I hate to tell you, but there’s no such thing as a clean slate. Everybody’s slates area little dirty. People need to get past this adorable idea that relationships require 100% honesty, because they don’t. That’s another sign of emotional immaturity. There are some things keep to yourself because revealing them to your partner would upset them. If you truly care about them you don’t want to do that.

You wanted drama and attention. You got it. There was no need for you to tell him about J. There was no imminent threat. None. But you wanted to. You just didn’t want to offer it up. You wanted M. to ask you what was wrong so that you could say you only told him because he asked and so you could prolong the tension. You wanted to create a situation where the focus was 100% on you.

The majority of men out there don’t feed into this sort of thing.  If a woman has a problem or internal conflict,  man isn’t going to try to drag it out of her. If she wants to stew or pout or chase her tail hoping he’ll notice how wound up she is, most guys just sit back and let her. Why? Because they know no good can come from pushing for an answer to the question, ‘Are you okay?” They also refuse to indulge blatant attention seeking from an adult woman.

But this week, he asked if I had heard from J. I told the truth and said he wrote me emails a few times, but I didn’t respond to the last one and I hadn’t talked to him in weeks. I got upset that he even brought it up! I think it should be done by now!

If you wanted it to be done, then why answer the question honestly? Good thing you only told him you didn’t reply to the last email J. sent instead of, like, just lying. What cause would there have been for M. to feel threatened? The only reason you even indulged J.in the first place once you had met M. was so you could use him to create conflict.

The thing is I apologized over and over and I told him why I did it. And what’s even more, is that I’m not really a liar, I am a pretty good, solid, dependable person who only wants the best for people. So I get so upset that he views me as a liar and/or cheat. Because I made a mistake but that isn’t WHO I AM.

Well, I agree that you’re not a liar or a cheat. You’re just immature and have juvenile ideas about how real relationship work. It’s not enough to have an even keeled relationship. You need the plot twist and the surprise ending.  You want to be the woman afraid to love because she’s burned, or the one who wonders “What if?” about that one guy who got away. The only men who tolerate such nonsense are men with their own dysfunctions or men who have no options. But even those guys eventually wise up and realize they can do better.

NOTE: Three days after this letter was submitted, the OP let me know that M. had cheated on her the night before and the relationship was over.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Drama Queens, Dysfunction Junction, Emotional Cheating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Servicey! – How To Meet People Offline

August 14, 2012 by 33 Comments

I was reading this blog post this morning about Match.com’s newly rolled out Stir Events.

But I want to try something new. I’m so over online dating (for now), speed dating makes my skin crawl (sorry but it does) and most events are poorly produced and/or aimed at youngins.

Let’s talking about getting offline.

I mentioned recently that I changed the copy of our speeddating events to read:

Aren’t you tired of emailing back and forth with that person from Match.com or OKCupid only to end up being blown off or disappointed? Here’s a fun and easy way to cut to the chase, save time and have fun all at the same time.

Join other single professionals for an early evening happy hour, topped off with about 7-10 rounds* of “mini-dates.” You’ll meet each member of the opposite sex for 5-7 minutes each (depending on the size of the event), turn in your dating card and then we’ll send you the contact info of your mutual matches 48 hours later. On average, 80% of those who attend end up with at least one or two mutual matches.

Why only 7-10 rounds? The more choices in front of someone, the less likely they are to  choose and focus on one specific person. We like to avoid replicating the “shopping cart” mentality that occurs with online dating.

Once this copy kicked in, our speeddating registrations in both Boston and NYC doubled. That is not an exaggeration. I am convinced it has to do with the reference to the shopping cart mentality that online dating creates.

I’ve also mentioned that I am one of those people whose attractiveness is more noticeable in person rather than on paper. I doubt I’m alone in that. I think now, more than ever before,  people need to incorporate both online dating as well as offline events into their rotation if they hope to meet someone new or special. Online dating has become intensified. People are much more likely to say “Next!” now. People are also becoming very insulated to the point where they think of nobody but themselves.

So, because I’m so servicey, I wanted to offer some suggestions, guidelines and recommendations to make your offline dating as productive as your online dating.

1. Attend an event alone - I know. You don’t want to show up alone in case you, like, get forced to make 5 minutes of conversation with someone unsavory. Come on. Grow up. Polish off those Big Girl Shoes and brush up on small talk and learn how to work a smile. The reason why singles/social events tend to draw more women than men is because women always bring friends because they can’t be alone. Guys attend these events by themselves all the time.

2. Learn to read signals - If you’re making conversation with someone and they excuse themselves, let them go and leave them alone. They’re being gracious. Don’t follow them around and hound them. If they wanted to talk to you, they would.

3. Learn how to make a graceful exit - I’m not going to lie. Singles events do attract a percentage of people who are socially awkward. But you meet those types of people everywhere. As an adult, we all have to learn how to deal with people like this. If you have to resort to being rude, then you’re as stunted as that person trailing you around the bar.

4. Remember – You get what you pay for – If you want to meet quality people, then attend an event with an admission fee. Free events tend to attract a lot of the people you don’t want to meet. If you’re someone who doesn’t like spending $25-$35 on an event in a major city, then you need to hang out in the suburbs. Nothing irritates me more than when someone attends an event with no concept of what was actually spent to develop it. (Granted, most people don’t.) The bottom line is that if they meet someone, it was worth it.If they didn’t, it was “poorly produced’ or some other excuse. To be fair,sometimes that is true. Things happen. It’s happened to us. But usually, the person complaining came to the event with a rancid personality/attitude.

5. Respect the age ranges - Ok. Buckle up. This one has bite. Ladies, if you’re in the high end of a specified age range of an event, you’re wasting your time. You will be surrounded by women younger than you. Yeah, I know. You’re a young looking 40, 45, 50. Guess what? Those 30 year olds are young looking 30 year olds. Guys? If an age range is, say, 37-49 and you’re 57, then you’re too old for the event. You can attend, of course. But you, too, will be wasting your time, as the women who register are looking to meet men in that age range. You will be considered that ‘creepy’ guy. People pay for these things to meet potential dates.It’s our job to provide that. When someone ignores the rules, they not only make themselves look bad, but they negatively affect the experiences of others and that’s not fair.  I get emails all the time from people asking if they should register for an event even though they’re X amount of years outside of the age range. What they’re actually looking for is a private invitation. Just by asking, they know the event probably isn’t for them. They want the organizer to tell them that they’re welcome. You have to understand that hosting an event for the over 50 crowd can be difficult in that it’s very, very hard to get men to attend. Especially when you have disgruntled 40something women running to the internet complaining about the dearth of “decent” single men. Also not helping, like with the case of Match’s Stir Events, is having a bunch of women who do nothing but gripe about dating and who never seem to meet anybody up to snuff promote your parties. The Evangelists are an important and telling part of a marketing plan. Just FYI.

Now, as for where to go:

*Both OKCupid and Match.com have launched a series of offline events. Great. My guess is that both of these sites are using the event channel to generate new subscribers/profiles. The events themselves aren’t going to generate much revenue. But the subscriber fees that come from outside members that want to attend will, which is what I believe the true goal is. (I think both Match and OKCupid allow for people to register for themselves and friends without requiring that the friend create a profile.) Supporting that theory is that I logged into my Match account, clicked the Events tab and was told that I had to be a subscriber to attend an event. I clicked the link that said “subscribe now” and was directed to a page that listed the various paid membership tiers. Apparently, you have to pay to see a list of upcoming events as well. No, that’s not a “small fee” that people will have to pay. That’s a big fee of anywhere from $40-$100 something dollars.  I tend to think that the “interest based” events will be few and far between and they’ll focus more on the free happy hours, as that might get them more bang for their buck. If you’re a paid member of Match you’ll see that, for NYC, all they have posted are two free happy hours. Like I said above, keep your expectations low for anything that is free to attend. But you should attend.Try to get in on one of their smaller, special interest events if you can. They appear to fill up in an oddly quick fashion.

*Niche events - Cooking classes, snow boarding classes, etc are all a great way to meet new people while learning something new. The fewer the people participating, the less likely you have that shopping cart mentality working against you.

*Speeddating – I’m not just saying that because that’s part of my business model. When I deal with an online dating client who appears awkward or shy or struggles to make conversation, I suggest speeddating. Speeddating provides you with multiple opportunities to talk to strangers. That is a key social skill. If speeddating “makes your skin crawl” well then guess what? You’re a social fail, too.

*Meetup.com - I would suggest the groups that focus on hosting small gatherings or special interests. Not the ones that have the free to get in blow outs at clubs and trendy lounges. They’re nice every once and a while, but they are meat markets and usually draw the non-city people. The reality is that if someone lives in a big city, they expect to pay for something and don’t complain about it. The people who regularly to exclusively attend the free events are usually the people who live outside the city or who don’t like to pay for anything. Yeesh all around.

 

Share
Filed Under: Awkward, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Douchey Guys, Drama Queens, Happy & Healthy, Managing Expectations, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

They Always Come Back

April 29, 2012 by 16 Comments

Name: Truth or Fiction
Age: 30
State: TX
Website:
Question: Hi Moxie,

I had three short-lived online relationships the past year and a half that didn’t really go anywhere. After the last break up, I decided I was going to stop online dating for awhile, just do my own thing, and not put so much pressure on myself to be in a relationship. I called it getting my “mojo” back. I met a cute guy and had a one night stand. I had dates and flirtations with guys I met through friends or out about town. I was having fun.
I also reconnected with a guy I went on a date with from online a few months prior. We had a nice date but he made it clear he was only looking for something casual. Since that wasn’t what I was looking for at the time I didn’t return his texts. When I texted him a few months later to ask if he wanted to meet for drinks he agreed and we actually spent 4 hours at the bar laughing and talking. I’d never been in a casual sex/NSA type of thing before but I decided to give it a shot. And I also knew that if I did this I had to do it the right way and try not to get emotionally invested and be very rational about the whole thing. I am pretty sure he is sleeping with other women but I refused to ever ask or question if he is with other women.

We started out very casual and would see each other once or twice a week and he would text consistently but mostly about hooking up. And I mostly left the texting up to him. I would rarely initiate and if I had something else going on, I wouldn’t see him. Then I felt things start to change a little. He ramped up his texting to numerous times a day to just talk or banter, he started asking me to sleep over, he was very cuddly, he would want me to stay and hang out and watch movies or we would go get food together,we could talk for hours about just random stuff and just laugh and laugh, and he would always talk about next time….

One night I was coming home from the bar and I texted him to see if he was still up. He texted me back and said he was out of town visiting friends. Then he texted me telling me how sweet and beautiful I am. Not his usual type of text. I asked what was going on. And he called me. He was pretty wasted and he just kept going on about how much he likes me and he was glad I texted him because it shows I like him. Since he was so drunk it was just a rambling conversation. He called back 15 mins later to just talk again and I asked about the town he was visiting–I said I hadn’t been there in awhile–and he said next time I’ll take you with me. He texted me throughout the whole weekend and when he got back.
He wanted to see me right away but I couldn’t because I had to work late. I saw him the next day but I got to his place really late because a friend needed my help with something and I could tell he was a little upset. We never brought up the phone calls. And we were a little awkward and I was a little mean. I regret being a little mean but it came out before I could help it. The next day he texted and I made a joke about the night before and I could tell he got a little upset and our texts started dwindling a little. He told me he was going out of town for work for two weeks. My friends convinced me to go back online. Within a day of going back online he texted me and said so you are back online and I said yes. And he got a bit nasty via text. I stopped responding because I didn’t want to engage in a stupid battle.

A few days later he texted and asked where I was hiding. I said I felt our last convo got out of hand and it was pointless to continue our pointless argument. He apologized and said he had been drinking. He was still out of town and out texts picked back up again. Just normal funny conversation. He got back into town last week and I went to see him. We started kissing and he was just really nervous and he couldn’t get it up. I asked what was going on. And he said he has started to have feelings for me, he feels emotional with me, he can’t just have unemotional sex with me. I asked if he wants to have emotional sex. He said no because he is afraid HE will like it too much. that I don’t fit into his plan of fucking around for a few more years. I knew he had gotten out of a 5.5 year relationship 1.5 years earlier. And he told me his plan was to play around for a few more years and then wake up and get married. He kept telling me–you don’t fit into my plan. Then he kept saying how scared he is of what is going on between us and he is scared of hurting me. But he is so confused because our connection is so good and real. That he gets me. I asked if he wanted to give dating a shot and he said he is scared he can’t live up to being a good boyfriend to me. But he doesn’t want to lose me and wants me in his life. Blah Blah Blah. We were going in circles. And I had to go and he had to go meet a client. I said we need to finish this conversation. Don’t blow me off. He promised he wouldn’t.

Of course he did. I texted the next day and asked if he wanted to meet. He said he can’t because he is going to be with another girl (he didn’t word it as nicely) and said see? I’d be a terrible guy to date seriously. This text from him did not surprise me at all. My friends were shocked at how crude he was but knowing his personality and what he said the day before, I saw it coming. I called him out on being a wimp. He laughed, said I was funny and said he would like to see me this weekend. I said let me know when works for you and I’ll try but my patience is wearing thin. There has been no contact now since. I refuse to contact him.

The thing is if he isn’t ready to be date me then I need to walk away. I don’t want to just be his friend. Especially, after he opened this can of worms and addressed our connection. BUT something niggling in the back of my head worrying me that this may all just be some mind fuck. But I don’t see what he is getting out of it. If he is messing with my mind, what is he getting out of it? If I stop all contact, he can’t mess with me….So I think he is being honest. But I just wanted an opinion on if I am being manipulated here….And if so, why….

Thanks!!!

 

I don’t know if you’re being manipulated. Manipulation requires a level of intelligence and self-awareness. This guy just sounds …stupid.  He does and says things never really thinking about the repercussions. He just acts or reacts with little regard to how things will play out. He just likes to watch the fall out.

Within a day of going back online he texted me and said so you are back online and I said yes.

And how exactly did he know this? Because he was online, too? Oh, okay. Then it makes total sense that he would be “upset” by your decision to do the same. Think that through. Does that sound rational? Of course not. He saw an opportunity to mess with you, so he took it. I’m sure he had a good excuse as to how he found that out, too. One that in now way implicates him for doing the exact same thing you’re doing.

Then he kept saying how scared he is of what is going on between us and he is scared of hurting me. But he is so confused because our connection is so good and real. That he gets me.

What script was he reading? No man says things like this. This is the type of thing you hear in a movie. Again, this guy just seems like a dope in love with the sound of his own voice. A childish, unintelligent, overwhelmingly unimpressive dope. He’s feeding you lines, hon.

I asked if he wanted to give dating a shot and he said he is scared he can’t live up to being a good boyfriend to me. But he doesn’t want to lose me and wants me in his life.

This is the only thing out of his mouth I believe. I believe he doesn’t want to lose you in that he doesn’t want to lose the attention you provide.

BUT something niggling in the back of my head worrying me that this may all just be some mind fuck.

It is. But until you accept that and stop telling yourself it’s anything more, he’ll still be able to suck you back in. You will never change him, nor will he ever admit to doing anything wrong. He will be back. Trust me. They always come back. They do something to trigger a response. They might even make something up with the intention of grabbing your attention. He’ll come back around and say something with the intention of getting you all flustered, you’ll engage him, he’ll be sated and he’ll go away until the next bout of boredom or need for drama hits him. They’re like 16 year old girls, right down to how they fight. No matter what you say or do, they will only hear what they want to hear. So either tell him what he wants to hear so he’ll go away or don’t engage him at all.

These guys literally all take their cues from the same handbook. That’s why I say that men like this aren’t smart enough to be cunning or manipulative. They just find (sorry)a really vulnerable woman or naive simpleton and make them their audience. That’s their level. That’s the best they can do. You came around to him when you were vulnerable, so he preyed on that. That’s it. That’s your story. That’s the answer. And..scene.

 

DISCLAIMER – This site is about and for expressing my opinions.  Any likeness or similarity that they may have to persons living or dead is coincidence. I am not responsible for internal personalizations or general butthurtedness.If you’d like to file an I’m Butt Hurt!! complaint, please do so here.

Share
Filed Under: casual sex, Dating, Douchey Guys, Drama Queens, Sex Tagged With: , , , , ,

The Power of Saying “Next!”

March 7, 2012 by 5 Comments

By the way, I’ve run across many guys’ profiles that state they hate winks and ask that women spend the time to email. The rest of their profiles are usually interesting and unique. What’s your take on these men? – 3 cents

I think those men are high maintenance attention whores. I don’t bother with them. I don’t have time for guys with Unique Little Snowflake Syndrome. If I’m taking the initiative, be grateful. A man who can’t appreciate a woman making the first move is not going to appreciate other things she does. Any guy who feels compelled to speak out and state explicitly in his profile that he won’t respond to XYZ is burnt out, frustrated or high maintenance. I have plenty of options. I don’t have to cater to someone like that. – Moxie

Seriously. Who would voluntary subject themselves to this Not every attractive guy/girl is someone you need to date. Move on! – DMN

 

I received an email a few nights ago from a man who attended one of our speeddating events about a month ago. Apparently, he contacted his two matches. One of them replied, one didn’t. He responded to the one woman who did reply, but she didn’t reply back.

He wrote me asking if I could contact these women to be sure his messages were received. Which I did. But neither of these women followed up with me. The guy was baffled. Why bother choosing him as a match if they weren’t going to reply? Was it something he said? I had no idea. What I did know was that it had been a month since the event and he was still wondering what went wrong instead of just saying, “Next!” and going to another event and meeting other women.

I was reading another article  a couple days ago. The author was talking about a guy she had met online. He was, in her words, “super-cute, funny and educated.” His texts were witty and entertaining and omigod he was just so cool. So the woman decides to call him in the middle of the text exchange. The guy didn’t answer. Instead, a few minutes later, he sent her a text and asked, “What’s up?” Thus begins the analysis part of the story. Why doesn’t he call, what’s his deal, etc.

How about…Next!

We keep talking about the shopping cart mentality that has developed in the dating scene due to an over-abundance of options. Yet, despite this mentality, we still manage to fixate on the ones that get away. We’re so quick to dismiss people because they only said “hi” in their email message or something equally frivolous. But we cling to the ones who make it abundantly clear they don’t want us.

I’ve come to enjoy the freedom and the sense of power that saying, “Next!” has given me. You suggest we meet that night for a drink, don’t follow up, and then text me two days later? Next! You display obvious signs of being emotionally dysfunctional in your emails? Next! It takes a village to get you to commit to a time and date to meet for a drink? Next!

Like I said to 3 cents above, I don’t have to tolerate the time wasters or the emotionally deficient. I don’t have to indulge some dude’s desire to be treated as a unique little snowflake. You can’t pick a time and date to meet? Next! You’re just not that into me? Next!

There’s always going to be somebody else. They might not be any better than the last person you met. But they are an option. And you have the ability to say yes or no. You can choose to engage or disengage.  There is nothing forcing you to go out with them other than the voice in your head that tells you that that person “might” be the one. News flash: That person is not viewing you in the same light. To that person you are likely nothing more than a source of attention. That’s why I said yesterday to bail from a situation where the person isn’t willing to set up a date as soon as their schedule allows. Many people get attached to someone just from text attention. It needs to stop. None of this back and forth emailing or texting. None of this scheduling and rescheduling.

The reason why people get so burnt out with online dating is because they spend too much time engaging the people that either have too many options, are emotionally crippled in some way or are just looking for people to add to their mobile Rolodex so they can get attention. These people probably make up about 50% of the online dating population. Within this segment are many, many people who have never developed the necessary skills required to relate to people in a healthy way. And it shows.

  • They can’t set up a date and stick to it
  • The cancel dates
  • They drop off the grid every few days
  • They take for ever to reply to texts
  • They are passive aggressive
  • They text or email but never commit to actually meeting

These people need to be ignored the minute they show signs of wasting your time. Don’t ask them to explain themselves, don’t look for reassurance. NEXT! That’s it. Clear the way for someone else. Stop listening to friends who have that urban legend tale about their friend Martha’s cousin and how she experienced the exact same thing and had a different outcome.  Forget about that episode of How I Met Your Mother where Barney, the notorious “player” , magically became whole because of the love of a woman. These people exist in fantasies.

 

Share
Filed Under: Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Douchey Guys, Drama Queens, Happy & Healthy, Low Hanging Fruit, NEXT!, OKCupid, Online Dating, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Avoid The Dating Dead Zone

March 6, 2012 by 70 Comments

Here’s an interesting article about the popularity/dependency we have developed in regards to texting:

Texting allows people to fit dating into their busy schedules, Beyer said, instead of having to make time for it”….”I believe women are the leaders in relationships, and they can turn the tide on this one,” Beyer said. “Every time a man sends you a message, write back and say, ‘I would love to hear your voice. I’m not much of a texter.’ “

First? If a guy does comply, he’s doing it out of duress, not genuine interest. Second? By making such a request of someone you haven’t met or have only met once or twice, you are telegraphing the fact that you require a lot of attention or are insecure. Women pull this because they want to believe they are “special.” Ladies, I hate to break it to you, but you’re not. Not yet. But a guy will let you think you are if it means getting laid. So stop deluding yourselves. To a man that you haven’t met yet or been out with once or twice…you are not special. You are, well, a number. If he wants to see you or date you, he will make the time.

Here’s the deal. If you meet someone online and they ask you for your phone number – and they haven’t tried to set up a date -  be warned. Here’s how the process normally goes between two socially well adjusted people who actually want to date:

  • Exchange a few messages
  • Set up a date
  • Give phone number the day of the date in case there are changes

Fin. None of this cutesy text flirting for days on end. People will ask for your phone number before committing to a date so they can add your number to their address book and include you on their mass text blast or so they can keep you as a back up plan. When I hear women talk about men they haven’t even met who send them cute and flirty text messages, I just shake my head. Those guys are either a) trying too hard or b) investing effort in the hopes of getting laid with little effort.

Then, when they finally do meet, 9 times out of 10, the texting stops immediately after the first meeting. Which of course sends the woman spiraling down the rabbit hole trying to figure out “what went wrong.”

Nothing went wrong. This was always going to be the outcome of this scenario. He knew it. You didn’t. He decided to meet you out of boredom or to get you off the roster or in the hopes of an easy lay. But all those text messages and all that “attention” built the situation up in the woman’s mind, leading her to be crushed when there’s no second date any time in the near future.

Don’t give out your phone number until the date has been confirmed. The minute you open the door to text messaging prior to setting up a date, it’s a quick slide right down in to The Dead Zone. The Dead Zone is where you get relegated to one of three categories:

  • The Booty Call
  • The Friend
  • The Source of Attention
Share
Filed Under: Bad Dates, Dating, Dating The Crazy, Douchey Guys, Drama Queens, Latests Posts, OKCupid, Online Dating, Red Flags, Texting, Uncategorized

Beware The Man Who Commits Too Soon – Part Deux

March 2, 2012 by 23 Comments

Name: Carina
State: FL
Age:  32
Comment: Hi, Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 months now.  Things are going well and we are getting closer every day.  Ive met some of his friends and vice versa.  As most people, we have facebook accounts and we added each other from month 1.  We traveled together 2 weeks ago to Europe for 10 days but he didn’t upload any pics.  He sent them to me on an online album.  He has very few pictures on facebook but do have 3 pictures from 3 years ago with an ex at restaurants, etc… all had other people in them.  All the pics on his facebook are tags from his friends. He’s in the technology business and has a lot of clients and employees on facebook so 90% of his comments are work related but he does posts daily.  Well, he posts on his tweeter and they upload into facebook automatically.  We haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks because we’ve both been traveling. Question is I’ve been tempted to write on his wall telling him I miss him or commenting on his posts but hes never written on mine so I dont know if I should.  I feel it may be sending the message of “I’m insecure and want everyone to know we r together”.  We speak over the phone several times a day, so is not like facebook is our mean to communicate ever.  But still….  Any feedback?

For additional back story on this situation, read Carina’s first letter so you can follow possible references to the original post.

Since it appears as though he maintains a Facebook page more for work purposes than anything else, and isn’t uploading photos from your trip, that he prefers to keep his private life offline.

I feel it may be sending the message of “I’m insecure and want everyone to know we r together”.

That’s is the message that posting a sentiment like that would send. And let’s be honest, that’s exactly why you would want to post it. If you and he talk all the time, several times a day, there’s no reason for you to post something so personal on his Facebook Wall other than to make your presence known. That’s why most people do it. That’s why they post photos and write cutesy tweets and Like even the most obscure or boring of updates. They want everybody to know that they have someone. Or they want to piss off an ex. Or they just want attention.

You’re bothered that he’s not uploading your trip photos to Facebook. I can understand that. Now, if we didn’t have the first letter and the additional info in there, I’d say you this was a simple case of being insecure. But since we do, I want to follow up on something you said in the first letter. You said he’s met your family. Have you met his? Maybe that’s what the trip to Europe was about. I don’t know. What I do know is that something causing you to be insecure and maybe a little paranoid. What is it?

Is it a bad sign that he’s not posting things on Facebook? Taken at face value, my answer is no. He works in technology and so he’s probably hyper-aware of the privacy issues on Facebook. I find people who are eager to post pictures and updates are usually doing it for the benefit of others or to support some manufactured image they have of themselves and not out of genuine contentment or happiness.

Listen, we all do it to some degree. We Facebook stalk exes, we pour over albums to take a look at their past lovers. We read their tweets. (Or, ahem, their blog.) We keep tabs on past boyfriends or girlfriends or lovers.  It’s hardly atypical these days and it usually isn’t done maliciously. (Unless of course somebody is looking to add a little dramz to their life or tedious relationship.)  Rational people know the lines, and we don’t cross them. We don’t impose ourselves in that person’s life in any way, especially if we know we’re not wanted. We might have private snark/analysis sessions with our friends, but that’s about it. Plus, it’s entertaining to watch the self-obsessed drama queens flame out or take themselves too seriously. It’s all for attention and to add to some creepy mystique or to add some spice to their relationship or to mess with their significant other. I’ve mentioned before that I have male friends who intentionally write on the walls of women who are mutual friends with the women they date. They do it intentionally to get a reaction. Which then compels the woman they’re taunting to check their page that much more often and be on high alert. As I said in an article I wrote for The Good Men Project yesterday, social media does not kill relationships. People kill relationships (TM Crotch Rocket.)

You need to be honest with yourself about a few things. You just wrote a comment about how, when you lived in NYC, you had a hard time finding a guy who wanted a relationship. Maybe you did encounter those guys, but your inability to trust and need to mark your territory pushed them away? When you’re watching what you guy is doing via Facebook because you fear something is off, that’s when it all becomes a problem.

I think you fear that this guy is hiding you away for some reason. Frankly, I think he is. Maybe not hiding you so much as holding off on bringing you in to the fold. You’re concerned that he doesn’t seem eager (or as eager as you) to let everybody know about your relationship. You’re of the mindset that this is a magical love affair and that he should be shouting it from the roof tops. To him, this is just a new relationship, like all the ones he has had before. (And FYI…those relationships never stuck, according to you. ) Maybe he has a recent Ex. Maybe he is cautious about what he shares publicly.Maybe he’s questioning the relationship. Maybe he doesn’t want there to be any public evidence that he’s in a relationship. It’s too early to tell and I don’t know him.

You, on the other hand, are desperate to broadcast this relationship publicly. Not that I don’t understand your anxiety. I do. This guy definitely seems, based on what you’ve shared, to be  slow at incorporating you into his life. This is why I say that committing early, offering you a key to his place, traveling,  meeting your family, etc means nothing . If he’s not making the same effort to introduce you to his world – his public world – something is off. (Also a red flag is if he’s too eager to make the relationship public. That’s for a reason, and it usually isn’t happiness.)

You’re insecure for a reason. Either you’re a naturally insecure person or something about this relationship is setting off some warning bells. It doesn’t make sense that, after all this guy has done and alllll the bragging you have done, that you’re this insecure about Facebook.

I said it last time and I’ll say it again. This guy was way too eager to commit, and likely did so to get laid since you admitted that you told him you don’t have sex without commitment. He committed casually, knowing he could always leave. Which isn’t real commitment.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Trust, Drama Queens, Facebook, jealousy, Latests Posts, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , ,

The Emperor’s New Clothes aka Why You’re Really Single

February 7, 2012 by 20 Comments

While looking over profiles a few weeks ago, I came across one that really stood out. Just not in a good way.  The guy’s profile wasn’t just labored. It was awkward. There were stories and references in his ad that just made no sense or seemed out of place. He was trying way too hard to sound breezy and fun and ended up coming across just the opposite.  I debated whether or not to contact him and offer my advice, but decided against it. No doubt this guy believed his profile was great. The best. I didn’t see the point in rattling any cages.

He, along with many, many other singles, suffer from The Emperor’s New Clothes Syndrome. There are these glaring things about their personality or looks or social skills that is obvious to those around them. But nobody says anything because they fear the person is either too fragile, to volatile or too delusional to hear what is being said and believe it. Or they just don’t care enough about the person to say anything. So these people go through life naked not only expecting but wanting people to compliment them on their attire. And many do, either out of pity or indifference. These people tend to surround themselves with others like them. That way they’re more likely to hear what they want to hear. (Which is why blogging about dates is so popular.)

There are certain flaws that are almost always universally ignored, but are undoubtedly why people can’t get past the first date or two.  Such as:

1. They’re not as attractive as they think they are – I’ll go even further. They’re not terribly attractive, period. They’re able to get photos taken at certain angles that make them appear more attractive than they are or to minimize certain flaws. But in 3-D they simply aren’t all that good looking.They’ve gone through life being told they were attractive in a “quirky” way and that beauty is skin deep. Yeah, maybe. But not in dating. Beauty is front and center. We’re shallow creatures. Let’s not pretend we aren’t. Also? How young you look or feel is mostly irrelevant. It’s how old you are that carries the most weight. Women who think they look 35 but are actually 40-45 and pursuing the 35-40 year old guys are deluding themselves. Sorry, but unless they have forgone the desire for kids or marriage, they don’t want you. They might date you for awhile, but you will eventually be replaced with a younger version. Could be in 2 months, could be in 2 years. Same goes for you older fellas of 40+ who date the twenty somethings. Those women will not settle down with you. They will date you and let you woo them. But you are mostly an experiment or a way for them to exorcise their Daddy Issues.

2. They have poor social skills- Nothing is more apparent than someone’s lack of social and interpersonal skills. They talk too much, they interrupt, they’re loud, they’re whiny, they complain a lot. These people go through life exhibiting boorish behavior because people are usually too afraid to speak up to them.They hijack conversations, they’re combative, they’re self-involved. All of this kind of navel gazing behavior makes it apparent that that person has little to no extended or consistent interaction with other people. They have not been socialized properly.

3. They’re  personality is rancid - They’re self-important, pretentious and/or negative.  They have to be right. They’re critical. People can’t wait to get away from them. They tell themselves that people are threatened by them or intimidated by them. No, love. You’re just incredibly unlikeable. People end up wanting you to be alone after being exposed to you for 20 minutes.

4. They’re angry/crazy - Yeesh. There are some comments here that are extremely unsettling. The anger borders on rage. Usually narcissistic rage. People like this have been kicked and battered around so much that they want others to suffer the way they have suffered. Make no mistake. Most people can sense when someone is off kilter mentally or emotionally. Most people just back away slowly from these folks. They offer some silly excuse about not being ready to date. They will never be honest with the person about why things didn’t work. They’re too afraid of them.

5. They’re overweight - I can assure you that a large number of the women who blog about all their bad dates and only have FWB’s and the rare hook up are chubby. They’re okay enough to have sex with, but not date. I speak from experience on this one. People, if you’re constantly getting ditched on first dates, or can only get guys to get together with you once every couple of weeks,  you’re probably overweight. You are the low person on the dating totem pole to them. I can not urge women enough to become acutely aware of how their weight affects who they attract online. When you’re overweight, you become a prime target for the pump and dumpers and opportunists. They think you’re desperate and will accept what you can get. I will say this very bluntly…you are weeding yourself out of the dating pool by keeping that weight on. And mind you, I’m not talking an extra twenty pounds. I’m also not referring to women who carry their weight well and own it. Those women do juuust fine. Trust me. I’m talking to the the women who KNOW their weight is an issue and ignore it.

6. They’ve let themselves go or don’t take care of themselves -  In any competitive dating market, you can’t afford to slack off on your looks. You just can’t. There is constant upkeep necessary. Nothing says, “I’ve given up” like packing on weight or poor skin and hair. I’ve said this before…the difference between the male dating profiles under 38 or so versus 40 and over is drastic. Lots of chubby, pasty guys. The women look far better, but that’s because we’re bombarded with messages and images about skin care and hair coloring products and gyms. Dear Lords, men. Moisturize.  If you do anything, moisturize. And Ladies? Stop with the excuses. In most cases barring medical issues, it’s not your metabolism. It’s your discipline. You can blame work or stress or meds (another common excuse) but more often than not it comes down to good old fashioned effort and desire. Stop lying to yourself and look in the mirror.

7. They’re desperate – Ugh. There is nothing more cringe inducing than someone who tries too hard. The whole time I read that man’s profile I mentioned above, I winced. This guy has no idea how insecure and desperate he sounded. These people always manage to put their foot in their mouths and play their hands. What they reveal is what poor luck they have with the opposite sex. They become too eager and anxious and bombard people with texts and emails. They get defensive. And needy. The send email after email.  The last thing you want someone to know is that they are your only option. It turns on the pressure. Plus, we all want someone who we believe is wanted by others.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Dating, Dating & Finances, Dating & Weight, Dating In a Big City, Douchey Guys, Drama Queens, First Date Jitters, Friend Zone, Latests Posts, Online Dating, READER FAVORITE 10, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , ,
«Older Posts