While looking over profiles a few weeks ago, I came across one that really stood out. Just not in a good way. The guy’s profile wasn’t just labored. It was awkward. There were stories and references in his ad that just made no sense or seemed out of place. He was trying way too hard to sound breezy and fun and ended up coming across just the opposite. I debated whether or not to contact him and offer my advice, but decided against it. No doubt this guy believed his profile was great. The best. I didn’t see the point in rattling any cages.
He, along with many, many other singles, suffer from The Emperor’s New Clothes Syndrome. There are these glaring things about their personality or looks or social skills that is obvious to those around them. But nobody says anything because they fear the person is either too fragile, to volatile or too delusional to hear what is being said and believe it. Or they just don’t care enough about the person to say anything. So these people go through life naked not only expecting but wanting people to compliment them on their attire. And many do, either out of pity or indifference. These people tend to surround themselves with others like them. That way they’re more likely to hear what they want to hear. (Which is why blogging about dates is so popular.)
There are certain flaws that are almost always universally ignored, but are undoubtedly why people can’t get past the first date or two. Such as:
1. They’re not as attractive as they think they are – I’ll go even further. They’re not terribly attractive, period. They’re able to get photos taken at certain angles that make them appear more attractive than they are or to minimize certain flaws. But in 3-D they simply aren’t all that good looking.They’ve gone through life being told they were attractive in a “quirky” way and that beauty is skin deep. Yeah, maybe. But not in dating. Beauty is front and center. We’re shallow creatures. Let’s not pretend we aren’t. Also? How young you look or feel is mostly irrelevant. It’s how old you are that carries the most weight. Women who think they look 35 but are actually 40-45 and pursuing the 35-40 year old guys are deluding themselves. Sorry, but unless they have forgone the desire for kids or marriage, they don’t want you. They might date you for awhile, but you will eventually be replaced with a younger version. Could be in 2 months, could be in 2 years. Same goes for you older fellas of 40+ who date the twenty somethings. Those women will not settle down with you. They will date you and let you woo them. But you are mostly an experiment or a way for them to exorcise their Daddy Issues.
2. They have poor social skills- Nothing is more apparent than someone’s lack of social and interpersonal skills. They talk too much, they interrupt, they’re loud, they’re whiny, they complain a lot. These people go through life exhibiting boorish behavior because people are usually too afraid to speak up to them.They hijack conversations, they’re combative, they’re self-involved. All of this kind of navel gazing behavior makes it apparent that that person has little to no extended or consistent interaction with other people. They have not been socialized properly.
3. They’re personality is rancid - They’re self-important, pretentious and/or negative. They have to be right. They’re critical. People can’t wait to get away from them. They tell themselves that people are threatened by them or intimidated by them. No, love. You’re just incredibly unlikeable. People end up wanting you to be alone after being exposed to you for 20 minutes.
4. They’re angry/crazy - Yeesh. There are some comments here that are extremely unsettling. The anger borders on rage. Usually narcissistic rage. People like this have been kicked and battered around so much that they want others to suffer the way they have suffered. Make no mistake. Most people can sense when someone is off kilter mentally or emotionally. Most people just back away slowly from these folks. They offer some silly excuse about not being ready to date. They will never be honest with the person about why things didn’t work. They’re too afraid of them.
5. They’re overweight - I can assure you that a large number of the women who blog about all their bad dates and only have FWB’s and the rare hook up are chubby. They’re okay enough to have sex with, but not date. I speak from experience on this one. People, if you’re constantly getting ditched on first dates, or can only get guys to get together with you once every couple of weeks, you’re probably overweight. You are the low person on the dating totem pole to them. I can not urge women enough to become acutely aware of how their weight affects who they attract online. When you’re overweight, you become a prime target for the pump and dumpers and opportunists. They think you’re desperate and will accept what you can get. I will say this very bluntly…you are weeding yourself out of the dating pool by keeping that weight on. And mind you, I’m not talking an extra twenty pounds. I’m also not referring to women who carry their weight well and own it. Those women do juuust fine. Trust me. I’m talking to the the women who KNOW their weight is an issue and ignore it.
6. They’ve let themselves go or don’t take care of themselves - In any competitive dating market, you can’t afford to slack off on your looks. You just can’t. There is constant upkeep necessary. Nothing says, “I’ve given up” like packing on weight or poor skin and hair. I’ve said this before…the difference between the male dating profiles under 38 or so versus 40 and over is drastic. Lots of chubby, pasty guys. The women look far better, but that’s because we’re bombarded with messages and images about skin care and hair coloring products and gyms. Dear Lords, men. Moisturize. If you do anything, moisturize. And Ladies? Stop with the excuses. In most cases barring medical issues, it’s not your metabolism. It’s your discipline. You can blame work or stress or meds (another common excuse) but more often than not it comes down to good old fashioned effort and desire. Stop lying to yourself and look in the mirror.
7. They’re desperate – Ugh. There is nothing more cringe inducing than someone who tries too hard. The whole time I read that man’s profile I mentioned above, I winced. This guy has no idea how insecure and desperate he sounded. These people always manage to put their foot in their mouths and play their hands. What they reveal is what poor luck they have with the opposite sex. They become too eager and anxious and bombard people with texts and emails. They get defensive. And needy. The send email after email. The last thing you want someone to know is that they are your only option. It turns on the pressure. Plus, we all want someone who we believe is wanted by others.