Comment: I am in dire need of some insight into a situation I’ve recently experienced. Before I begin, let me tell you some things about myself that I believe have relevance here. I’m a 34-year-old female, never been married; pretty fit and decently attractive. I’m a prolific first-date dater and I’ve never had a serious, long-term relationship. Growing up I was painfully shy, and while my shyness faded in my 20s I was still an extreme introvert. In the last five years or so, I’ve made concerted efforts to be more outgoing and have made changes in my life to make me a healthier and more available candidate for sharing my life with someone.

I don’t think of myself as being picky about men (certainly though, that could be true of me in my 20s). If someone asks me out or I’m contacted via an online dating site and he doesn’t creep me out or disgust me in some fashion I usually say yes. But… I’ve never been interested in dating for the sake of dating. If I don’t see potential for something more serious in a man within the first five dates or so, I move on. I just can’t fake interest, and I grow irritated and frustrated and eventually resentful when men start wanting to move things to the next level and I still feel nothing (which is why I never get past 4-5 dates). I’ve been out with many nice men, but I felt nothing, no inkling of attraction on any level. I’ve spent nearly every date I’ve ever been on thinking “please don’t let this be the night he tries to kiss me”. That’s not to say that I’ve never been attracted to anyone, but the time in between meeting these men is measured in years. For a long time I thought I was asexual.

Fast forward to July, where after years of online dating, dating services, and meeting people through common interests/activities, I meet “John”. John contacted me via an online dating site. (This entire story, by the way, runs about five weeks). We exchanged a few emails and found we had a few things in common. We agreed to meet for drinks. I’ve learned to expect nothing from these meetings other than some pleasant conversation and an opportunity to meet someone new. It sounds corny, but when I first saw him, there was an instant click. (This never happens to me). He was a gentleman; funny, thoughtful, and intelligent. His picture did not do him justice. We had a great conversation; we got kicked out of a restaurant before we called it a night. Before we parted, he said he wanted to take me out on a real date and so we made plans for the weekend. Our next date went just as well, and again we talked late into the evening. We delved more into what each of us was looking for in a relationship, and agreed that we were looking for similar things. He brought up the thought that he sensed chemistry between us, and I agreed. I thought he had a lot of the qualities that I was looking for in a partner, and I was attracted to him on multiple levels.

Our third date was not quite as smooth. He was a bit moody and distant at the start, but bounced back towards the end of the evening. I didn’t read much into it at first. The next time we met we had sex (I had been by this point fantasizing about sex with him), and the evening ended with a long stroll through the neighborhood and more wonderful conversation. He did the gentlemanly things, like opening doors and walking on the street side of the sidewalk. He listened to me attentively. I felt like we were making a real connection. I told him I’d like to see him again, and a few days later we meet again, but this time he’s moody and distant. We met in the early evening and I was expecting to grab dinner, but he says he already ate. The air is thick with tension, so thick that I ask if he wants me to leave. He tells me to stay. We have sex again, but the evening ends as awkwardly as it began. I didn’t hear from him for days afterward (normally he’ll text me a good morning just to say hi). I start to wonder what that means and I call him just to say hi. He’s again moody and distant, and doesn’t sound interested to hear from me. He says he’ll call me tomorrow but doesn’t.

A few more days pass, and my mind starts churning. I start to wonder. My last “relationship” was with a best-friend-turned-boyfriend who ended up using me for sex. When I continue not to hear from him I send him a text asking him what sort of game he’s playing. (Bad way to handle it, I know). He’s angry with me and I don’t hear from him.

A few days later I call him. I’m angry but I want to know what’s going on, and want to give him the benefit of the doubt, as I’d hate to have things end over a misunderstanding, if that’s what it was. My intention was to find what his intentions were, but somehow the conversation morphs into being all about me. He said my text hurt him; that he’s a sensitive guy, scared (he actually used that word) and he’s been burned in the past. He said he doesn’t like aggressive women (I don’t see myself in any way aggressive, so I’m not sure where that came from). He says I don’t talk much and I need to open up more (a fair statement). One troubling comment that continued to bother me was that he said he wanted a kind woman (basically, implying that I am not). He used examples such as: he offered me part of his meal, I declined, but I failed to offer him any of mine; and I’ve never invited over to my place (and cook dinner for him) even though he’s invited me over to his (I was in the process of major spring cleaning and I knew he was a neat freak. Also, I don’t have a habit of entertaining people in my home, which is not to say I’d never invite him over). I admit to not always being fluent in social graces (I isolated myself from people through most of my 20s) but my intentions are never purposefully hurtful. I find it helpful when people point these things out, though I’d be the first to admit it is no one’s responsibility but mine to remember these things. Still, I think his comments are overblown.

We reach an understanding and things begin to move forward again. This phone conversation is followed by a number of others, and many nights over the following week or two we have 2+ hour conversations (I’m a girl who often has guys complain that I don’t call enough!), initiated by both of us. I invite him over to my place and cook for him. The evening was memorable and we seem to really click. He brings me some things that I’ve mentioned that I’ve needed but never picked up for myself. He’s very thoughtful. We’re comfortable with each other and I feel like he really listens to me.

I ask if he wants to get together again. We agree to meet again at my place, but this time I want to do an activity of some sort, as I feel the focus so far has been too much on sex. I make a few suggestions but he doesn’t want to do any of them. Finally we make plans to check out a new restaurant, but when he gets to my place, he is again moody, distant, and not hungry. I ask him if he is okay and he says he is tired. Meanwhile I’ve had a very stressful day and I need to vent, but he doesn’t ask me anything about it. I insist on dinner because I’m hungry, but also because I think that the evening would turn into nothing more than a sex date if we didn’t get out. At dinner he is moody, distant, and a little curt. I don’t have much to say, as I’m still stressed and he’s making me uncomfortable. He makes a comment about something that I find funny, and I call him, in a playful manner, weird for thinking so. He responds offended that no one likes being called weird. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. He makes a comment as to how this is how it’ll always be if he doesn’t open his mouth. When the bill comes I say let’s go dutch, whereas normally we’d take turns paying. He insists on paying. Dinner is a mess.

We get back to my place, and he’s still moody, but I invite him up for a few minutes (I have no intention of having sex). We sit for a little bit and I suggest watching TV. After a few minutes he says he can’t stay late. We talk a little bit and as we’re sitting my legs brush against his, and he moves away from me. I don’t ask him about it. He eventually gets up to leave and as I approach him he swings the door open and walks out with an angry “bye” and slams the door. I must of stood staring at the door for two minutes thinking, WTF. It occurred to me later that I was a bad host as I forgot to offer him something to drink, even though I made a special trip to pick up what he likes (this is going back to his comment about being kind). Over the next week I call him twice, first to say I wanted to talk about what happened and the second to apologize if I offended him. I know it’s lame to call back before he’s had a chance to do so, but I know he’s sensitive and I didn’t think he’d initiate this type of call  (he’s a little shy) but might be willing to talk. I never hear from him again.

I am perplexed as to what happened here. I fluctuate between: 1) him never being all that interested in me and using me for sex, 2) that I scared him off, 3) that I was too easy and not a challenge so he got bored (even though I’m the most non-prolific lover I know), 4) I’m not what he’s looking for, or 5) he’s got serious issues that have nothing to do with me. I am very angry and upset by how this whole thing played out. I feel like he’s judged me and made assumptions about me that are not correct. I’ve felt like an emotional yo-yo, but it’s really my fault for getting emotionally invested in someone I didn’t know all that well or for very long. What I do know is that sometime after the first time we had sex I became the initiator of dates. Maybe I was too forward here, and I admit I wanted to see him on a weekend (he works every other weekend) so I could change things up a bit, as doing nothing but eating date after date has left me bored when I’ve dated other men and I didn’t want that to happen here. Additionally, I was still concerned we were too focused on sex. Maybe my taking the lead made me sound needy or pushy, or that I was imposing too much of myself too quickly.

I feel like we were communicating in different languages and constantly misinterpreting each other’s actions and words. I am saddened by how all this played out but also perplexed. He’s the first man I’ve ever met that I wanted to try to make things work with, or to at least see if there’s something special here, and I was hoping that he would put forth the same effort. I do not have a long string of prior relationships to use as comparisons, where did I go wrong here? Was I a doormat? And is this about me or about him?

State: VA  Age:34  Name: Erika

Photo Credit – WK Interact- http://www.coolbuzz.org/entry/12-angry-men-for-motion-portraits/

Well, it’s about both of you. But let’s start with him first.

One word that immediately makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up is “moody.” I don’t know of this guy truly is moody…or if he just likes to be withholding or disapproving in some way so that women will work harder for his approval. I’m guessing it’s the latter here. I don’t like this guy one bit. He has you second guessing every move you make. That should ALWAYS be a red flag to anyone.

Here’s why I’m so suspicious: The awesome first date! The date that surpasses all others and seems ideal. I’d guess that, nine times out of ten, those situations either go nowhere or they flame out pretty quickly. People like this man – and I’m talking about men and women here – present themselves as so impressive and wonderful on that first meeting. And then they change. Right when they know they have you. The minute you start expressing any kind of insecurity, they’ve got you. It’s a manipulation tactic. Someone who changes faces that quickly and that often is a person to avoid. We all have our bad days. But this guy seems to have them frequently, and inflicts them upon you. That is abuse. Don’t stand for it.

This guy is often trying to make you feel like you aren’t doing enough or not appreciating his efforts, yes? Yeah. And if you say something, even in a teasing way, that refers to him in any way other than positive, he gets mighty snappy, right?

Run. Do not walk. This guy is toxic. I call it the Don Draper Syndrome, after the lead character in TV’s Mad Men. This guy is a controlling, manipulative person. Serial egoist and narcissist. The only women who stick around for men like this are the ones impressed by the charm and trimmings. Or women who think that by getting the attention of this man it is somehow a reflection on their worth. Kind of like Meghan, the naive and simple and alarmingly young secretary that Don proposed to at the end of last season. Faye, the educated psychologist, was tossed aside.  She was getting too close to seeing Don for the imposter that he was. Plus, well, she was needy and insecure and had her own issues. A Don Draper will rarely date a woman on his level. Those women run too high of a risk of threatening Don’s tenuous self-esteem. They’ll go for younger, or less educated and professionally unestablished types. That way Don has more power in the dynamic. The easier it is to manipulate you, my dear. Don’s way of showing a woman he cares is to brag in some way and show her off. But really, it has nothing to do with her. Her existence in his world barely matters other than to prove he’s desirable.

The Don Drapers offer nothing more than the idea of prestige. Pretentious parties, fancy suits, “glamour,” gifts, etc. They are distractions from the real man. They want props, not people. Don Draper married trophy wife Betty, the blonde, beautiful model. She was nothing more than an extension of his self-loathing and narcissism.She was  someone to look good on his arm and to provide opportunities to have his picture taken. If Don Draper existed today he would LIVE for Facebook and Twitter.

Whenever Betty dared speak up to Don, like to call him on his rampant cheating, he’d go on the defensive and try to belittle her. Which usually worked, because she had no sense of self either. Fun Fact: Don Drapers are often cheaters. Because it’s all about them and their needs.  Don Drapers need a woman with no real identity outside of her man. The last thing a Don wants is  woman who sees through the smoke and mirrors act.

OP, your guy didn’t ask you about your day because he didn’t care. It’s all about him. You are there to validate his existence, not vice versa. He continues to critique you, telling you you don’t trust enough, are too this or too that. He’ll make light of things that matter to or bother/hurt you. It’s all to make you vulnerable and keep you focused on you. That way you’ll be too distracted to see all his shortcomings and flaws.  This man is not capable of having a healthy relationship. With anybody. He’s not scared, nor has he been “burned.” (Boo hoo.) He wants you to be sympathetic so that you don’t even think about turning the tables on him. The Don Drapers always present themselves with low bandwith in some regard so you’ll gingerly walk on eggshells with them and not call them on anything. Usually these people ( women can fall under this category, too) are just an act. A fabricated character. Just like Don aka Dick Whitman, who stole somebody’s identity so he could forget his past as the poor/common son of a prostitute.

Fuck that noise.

The greatest fear for someone like this is to know you see right through them. They present an image. Not a real person. Deep down they don’t really like themselves. Fun Fact Part Deux: These people are usually heavy drinkers. In the latest season of Mad Men, Don Draper’s facade was falling away. His wife left him, his business was failing. In short, he was a mess. And it showed all over his face. He’d sit alone in his apartment writing in his journal, scotch or bourbon by his side because he needed the booze to help him face his demons. The contempt they exhibit for others? It’s really for themselves.

Don’t you dare give this man another inch. You’ve already let him in and see what chaos he’s created within you? Stick with this guy and he will weaken you. But then, you were prime for the picking. Here’s why:

You already think you’re damaged somehow. You think because you haven’t had a long term relationship or can’t seem to find anybody that there’s something “wrong” with you. Well, there’s good news and bad news. Bad news? There is something broken. Good news? It can be fixed. You said  a key word in your letter: isolation. You isolated yourself for a long time. Man oh man, the damage we can do to ourselves when we live trapped in our heads. The abuse we suffer at our own hands.  You’ve been second guessing yourself your whole life, maybe even beating yourself up. You have to stop doing that. You grow irritated with yourself (note: not the men you date) because you don’t feel what you think you need to feel. There you are, being hard on yourself. You sit on those dates and you fear that they’ll want more, before you’re ready. It’s all self-sabotage. You’re afraid that these men will see you for the , excuse me, “broken” person you think you are.

Listen. We are all broken in some way. There’s aspects to what you’ve written that, unfortunately, I don’t feel qualified to address. That’s why you need therapy. You need to change how you perceive yourself. If you don’t, you’ll continue to fall for guys like this. Hollow, empty men who have to mentally beat a woman in to submission just to get her to stay with him. Congrats, brah.

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