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Do You Need Dating To Be Dramatic?

May 7, 2013 by 10 Comments

Name: melisabless
Comment: I started somehow a relationship with a guy (we are working in the same place but i’m just a part-time and he’s a full-time). I got to know him the last few months. First I thought he was in me and he was trying to create some occasions to get together along with other coworkers. Then he told he was separating with his-ex with whom he is still sharing the house (he says she will leave soon? when she finds a place but i don’t know when, or even it’s true). But he continued. He was trying to spend time with me and he seemed really interested and nice. I also liked to spend time with him. and we started somewhat a relationship after spending at most to weeks texting and seeing each other frequently but in a friendly basis. Then he told me that he likes me and we kissed the same day. We are kissing a lot in public areas, like high school kids. At the end of the first week, in a day he was sure that his ex wouldn’t come to home (which was also his last night before he left for a one moth work travel), i went to his flat and we had sex and i stayed there at the night.

Now things are quite confusing,
1. he introduced himself at a time that later understood he was in a relationship.
2. before the time we kissed for the first time he was so interested in me and was trying to spent as much time as possible with me; it change within 2 days, he put somewhat a distance, acted confusing. when i asked he said he’s confused because of the situation he’s in; and he knew it’s strange for us but it’s just a kind of weird ‘beginning’.
3. one night i visited him outside his apartment and he didn’t want us to be seen together by his ex, saying he didn’t want any drama. (His ex has a new relationship for almost 2 months by the way).
4. when i went his flat i saw their photos together still hanging on the board, which i couldn’t get but didn’t make an issue. When i simply mentioned the photos he acted neutral, with no reaction.
5. He waited to become alone to demand a skype talk with me. Before that he was on a conference with a coworker for one week. In that one week he was not trying to have a mutual contact. this made me uncomfortable. (You might think that i am expecting too much too soon, it’s true but he made me felt like that. because the second day of our ‘thing’ he told me that would miss me so much and he didn’t want to go…)

Positive signs:
- He’s texting me just before and after his flights and when he got his hotels.
- This week on skype or on any chatting medium he told me that he’s missing me several times.

for the completeness:
- While we were seeing each other friendly, i asked him i he wanted to get back together with his ex. He said no way. and that relationship ended. But again it’s what he says.
- I already told him that complication and confusion are the last things i need i my life right now. and even decided to end this issue that day but continued somehow.
- he’s around the same age with me.

So there is not a specific question: but the questions in my mind are “did i move too fast by  allowing him getting close in his first trial?” “should i slow down the things, but how?” i even logically think that i should suggest him “to move 2 steps backward to the friendship position and get to know each other better because things seem too complicated”.

As you see there is no clear question, but i liked your comments on other issues so i wanted to hear your opinion.

Thanks in advance
Age: 32
City: den haag
State: NL

 

I know you’re hoping that I’ll analyze this story from every angle, but I honestly don’t see the point. What I hear in this letter is drama. Drama, drama, drama. The first clue was the passive role you took in this scenario. You didn’t “somehow” get involved with this guy. You made a conscious choice to do so. You have continued to pursue this relationship despite all the hurdles and challenges. I honestly don’t think anything I say will affect how you approach this issue.

No, you shouldn’t try to go back to the point  before you and this guy hooked up. The conflict that has erupted in these scenario has nothing to do with his lack of familiarity with you. It has everything to do with the fact that he has a messy living situation and doesn’t want to tie up those loose ends. Also contributing to this is your willingness to stand by and wait as he figures out what to do next. He doesn’t want drama? That’s adorable. You don’t want confusion? How cute. Weird how you both managed to find the exact things you claim you wish to avoid. His ex has moved on and now he’s trying to do so, too. I won’t slag on him for still living with her, as many people choose to do that for financial reasons or because the timing isn’t right to move. That said, a mature person would realize that bringing somebody else into this mess probably isn’t wise. That’s the opposite of wanting to avoid drama. Remember what I said earlier: the red flags are in the inconsistencies.

My opinion is that this guy is not available and that you’re wasting your time.

As I was saying to a friend over the weekend, I really haven’t had much dating drama in my life in the past couple of years. Hence my increasing impatience with some of these letters. The way to avoid all of this wailing and gnashing of teeth is to simply decide, once and for all, that you’ve had enough and stay resolved to that. I don’t need to investigate particular arrangements, nor do I let my curiosity get the better of me and proceed when all signs point to chaos. I just say no. If a red flag is waving, I turn around and go the other way. It simply isn’t worth the emotional bandwidth that it sucks up to engage in settings like this. Making that easier is that I’ve all but curbed my need to complain or brag- publicly or privately – about my difficulties or successes. While my inner attention-whore cries out from time to time, for the most part she has been sated.

I honestly believe that many of the troubles we encounter in dating are driven by our need to be recognized and acknowledged.  That’s it. We don’t really want the people we claim to be chasing or pining for.  We just want something to announce and use as a bid for attention.  Something about these dating-related farces give people a false sense of importance. They’re black hole fillers and nothing more. In place of the intimacy we seek, we create drama for ourselves.

Try and find that spotlight somewhere other than through dating. All you will end up achieving is depleting yourself of the energy you’ll need to find and hold on to a healthy relationship. Instead of fearing that emptiness, embrace it. It’s the need to run away from that void and pretend that it doesn’t exist that leads us to jump at any opportunity to fill it.

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Filed Under: Compatibility, Crowdsource!, Dating, Drama Queens, Dysfunction Junction Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Do People Stay In Unsatisfying Relationships?

May 6, 2013 by 12 Comments

Name: Alicefrustrated-woman
Comment: I’ve been in a long distance relationship for nearly two years. We get along really well, but have some issues to work through like lack of communication and some sexual incompatibilities (he’s less experienced and isn’t familiar with foreplay, as a result he hasn’t been able to make me orgasm yet). He isn’t good with communicating when we are apart and doesn’t call or text to check in. As a result I feel like he’s completely out of my life when we are apart. He’s the same way with most of his friends and family, so I know it’s not just me: and he shows that he cares about me in many other ways when we are together. I’ve brought up both issues but he always falls back into old habits within a few days, and it’s hard for me to bring up the sex issues when we only spend a few days together at a time.

Whenever I brought up the future of our relationship he says that he’s interested in the long term, but he still hasn’t made any definitive commitments. I can’t move to where he lives because it’s a smaller city and I wouldn’t find work there: but I am willing to move anywhere else. His job allows him to work remotely, so he could move anywhere.

I’m getting to the point where I’m frustrated with the distance, and because of the lack of communication between visits I don’t think I can do the on-and-off thing much longer. It feels like I have an amazing relationship for one week a month and that I’m single and sexually frustrated the rest of the time (without the option of dating or having casual sex, something that I’ve been quite accustomed to when I was single). I also don’t want to put on too much pressure and sometimes wonder if I’m being too selfish and impatient. I’m interested in a long-term commitment and eventually starting a family: he’s expressed that he’s not adverse to kids but that it’s not something he thinks about often. I haven’t been able to get a “yes” or “no”, but I’m feeling that we’ve been together long enough that I need to either move forward or move on.
Age: 28
City: Vancouver
State: BC

 

Is this relationship really worth it? You don’t see each other that often and he doesn’t communicate or keep in touch on a regular basis. Even worse, he doesn’t satisfy you sexually. I don’t get it. What are you clinging to?

It sounds like you know this isn’t working but you’re just afraid to cut the chord. Maybe you don’t want to let go unless you know you have a soft place to land, so to speak? You seem to be choosing to stay in this holding pattern, maybe out of obligation, maybe out of fear. I’m not sure of the exact reason. I think you need to have a very blunt talk with this guy about where you stand and what you need. But then, you’ve done that. And things haven’t changed.

You’re delaying the inevitable. Stop doing that.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dysfunction Junction, Long Distance Love, Sex, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Depression, Daddy Issues & Meds – When Do You Reveal Your Baggage?

April 15, 2013 by 23 Comments

Name: Sophia
Comment: I’d like your advice on looking for relationship when you have baggage – as in emotional/mental baggage.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens. These days, I have those issues under control though I may have days when I feel overwhelmed and get headaches. I’m on medication in low dosage, and see a therapist twice a month.

This does not mean I am some crazy psycho. I spend each day trying to understand myself more so I could combat my issues. I take care of myself by eating healthy and exercising. I even meditate sometimes to sort things out. I may have issues, but they do not control me. I may have bad days, but not on a regular basis.

It seems a lot of guys refuse to date any woman who is on psychiatric meds or in therapy. I was always aware that my problems will turn guys off, but it seems so few are willing to give such a woman a chance. I used to delay revealing my issues until after several dates, but now I feel I need to mention it early on. Before, I used to think it was too personal to tell a guy about my meds and all, but now I don’t want to waste my time with someone who’ll turn out to be judgmental.

Part of my problem is that I have daddy-issues. My father and I have always had a difficult relationship, and I can be kind of guarded, and then needy once I relax. This doesn’t mean that I hate men or I’m an emotional wreck. I think I simply require a certain type of guy. A lot of guys ask what kind of relationship I have with my dad, which makes since because it says a lot about you. I usually answer that we have our days when things are not easy. I don’t want to be that woman with daddy issues, even if I do, but I don’t know how to properly answer that question.

I would just like advice on how to navigate the dating scene when there are aspects of me that make guys run in the opposite direction. I would like to have a relationship with a stable, decent guy but I’m aware that kind of a guy would be hard for me to get.
Age: 31
City: New York
State: New York

 

It seems a lot of guys refuse to date any woman who is on psychiatric meds or in therapy.

I disagree with this. I think, especially in NYC, taking meds and going to therapy is actually very common. I can’t imagine anybody here in Manhattan being so thrown by this information. What I can envision is a person being a bit concerned that a near-stranger has decided to unload all their problems on them on their first couple of dates.

A lot of guys ask what kind of relationship I have with my dad,

This, too, feels off to me. Really? Guys quiz you on your relationship with your Dad? Is that how the conversation goes? Or do you maybe bring up your Dad, possibly give off the impression that it’s a contentious relationship and the guys pick up on your cues and ask questions to be polite?

If you have your depression under control, then what’s the big deal? I’m sorry to be dismissive but depression and anxiety aren’t all that rare or scandalous. To me, it sounds like you actually want to be treated with kids glove about all this. There’s really no reason for you to tell someone you’ve just begun dating that you have to take medication. If your issues with depression or anxiety actually compromised your relationships or made them difficult, then I could see opening about and revealing this information. But if you’re taking care of yourself and following a doctor’s advice, then I don’t see why you would feel compelled to share this.

I’m thinking that your challenge isn’t the fact that you suffer from anxiety and depression. I’m going to guess the problem is in the way you present this information. If you use it as an excuse to explain why you get needy them yeah, a guy is probably going to bail. Not because you’re on meds but because you’re needy. You’re trying to find a connection between your mental health and why men appear to abandon relationships with you, but I’m not sure there is one. It could be as simple as you get unnecessarily insecure and cloying. Is that related to your anxiety? Possibility. But not definitely. And that is certainly treatable. It’s quite possible you’re just really needy for  constant validation and confirmation of a man’s interest. You can be sure that will send most guys running.

What I hear in your letter is, “I’m really complex. How do I get men to understand all the intricacies involved with me?” The problem with that is that you’re really not all that unique. You seem to be defining yourself by these extremely common mental health issues. You speak like you’re not stable when you are. You’re applying the stigma to you. Not them.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Drama Queens, Dysfunction Junction, First Impressions, Meeting Men, Meeting Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do You Enjoy Being A Dating Victim?

January 17, 2013 by 10 Comments

Name: E.B.
Age: 28
State: WA
Question: Here is my situation..  I was in a 9 year relationship and got divorced in the summer of 2011.  We were together from the time I was 17 until I was 26. He put me down a lot and we did not enjoy spending time together and wanted different things, he decided he did not want children, and so I decided it was time to move on. When I made that decision my mother decided that it was all my fault, I am a horrible person and my parents have not spoken to me in a year and a half.  In the fall of 2011 I met a person I simply refer to as POS. the first 2 months were fine but then I started to find out things he had lied about. To make a long story short after about 4 months it all ended in a very dramatic week in which I was held hostage in my own home, threatened daily until he was arrested, my house searched, my car seized by the police as he had apparently been taking it on drugs runs and robberies.  I found out he was lying about pretty much everything… His name, his past, his job, where he was what he was doing… Was there red flags? Hell yes. Was I am idiot and ignored them because I was depressed and wanted desperately to feel someone loved me? Hell yes.

I now suffer from PTSD and severe anxiety which has made dating difficult to say the least. I have moved across the country to try and get a fresh start.  I am fine in a casual dating setting but in the 2 relationships I have attempted to take to a more serious level have ended in disaster. As soon as I begin to develop feelings I also begin with the panic attacks and anxiety. I become extremely needy, clingy, jealous and basically turn into a lunatic. I am aware of it. Aware I am driving them away. But it’s like I can’t control it by that point. I totally lose my confidence and happiness and become consumed with what this person is doing and thinking. I am convinced everything is a lie and they are using me.

I have begun counseling to deal with my issues but I love this website and the no nonsense approach so I wanted to see if there was another interpretation of my behavior and the way I now view relationships and if anyone has been in a similar situation what helped to get through it. I am planning on taking some time off of dating because I do not want to treat another person the way I treated the last person.  Thanks for any feedback and advice!!

 

Well, I’m no therapist but you sound like you can’t be alone and are probably a bit co-dependent. You were divorced in the summer of 2011 and by fall of 2011 you’re already in a new relationship. Of course you ignored the red flags. You wanted the relationship to work because you didn’t want to be on your own.

It’s not enough to go, “Yup, I ignored the red flags.”  The more pressing issue is why you ignored them. You knew the guy was a dirt bag but stayed with him anyway. That’s the real problem, not that you somehow got bamboozled by his lies, as you didn’t. That’s bullshit.

As I’ve said before, stable people don’t find themselves being held hostage in their own home by their drug dealer boyfriend. It doesn’t happen that way.  Just like women with their shit together or an accurate perception of themselves don’t wind up dating some married man or con artist. Women who find themselves involved with men like this put themselves in those situations in one way or another. Either they place importance on qualities common in these smarmy and shady types or they enjoy the drama and self-victimization.  Those results are merely outliers to the deeper issues. That’s just how the issues manifest. That situation, while obviously scarring in some way,  isn’t why you get needy and clingy and anxious and drive men away. That behavior has been there all along and is part and parcel in why you get in the unhealthy relationships you get into.

Dating detoxes are swell and all, but they really serve no purpose other than to make you feel like you’re proactively trying to solve the problem. It’s a great thing to say, of course. It sounds like you’re making a healthy and rational decision. People say a lot of things to convince themselves and others that they’re trying to do the right thing. None of that matters. What matters is results. The true test is to take what you learn through therapy and apply it. That’s where the rubber hits the road.

I don’t really buy that you want to hear other people’s experiences. I think you’re more interested in commiserating. That’s typically why people take to the internet and crowd source their problems. They don’t really want answers. They want sympathy and attention. They want validation for how they handles things so they can feel a little less bad about themselves and their behavior. Harsh, I know.

But it’s true.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Advice, Dating After Divorce, Dating The Crazy, Dysfunction Junction Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Can You Ever *Really* Unravel The Mystery of Why Someone Dumped You?

October 8, 2012 by 29 Comments

Name: Westley in SF
Age: 36
State:
Question: Six years ago, I dated and eventually got engaged to the love of my life. Five and a half years ago, the engagement ended with her mailing the ring back, and we haven’t spoken since. I’ve tried, I’ve emailed, called, texted, written, pleaded, begged, but she won’t see me and won’t talk to me, although she does email and respond to me.

The post isn’t about her though. I’m just giving you some background. The point is that I’ve never had any closure and honestly haven’t been able to emotionally move on.

That’s not to say I haven’t tried, I have. I date often and since the breakup, I have honestly been crushing it. Women seem are really attracted to the slightly older, heartbroken bachelor, especially girls in their 20s (I call it being Hank Moody). I have dated casually and I’ve dated seriously. I am a great boyfriend, I know what to do, but all too often it feels like I am going through the motions. The spark isn’t there, I’m doing things, like sending flowers or leaving notes to find, because I know they are what women want, not because I’m impassioned about them. I even lived with one girlfriend, in an attempt at settling down, but that didn’t work.

Since then I’ve had a different opinion of dating… I meet a lot of amazing women — gorgeous, smart, successful, funny, fun, etc — and I enjoy their company, but I find that I don’t actually want to date any of these women. I don’t want to go through the end of a failed relationship with them, I’d rather be friends with them. Instead I date girls, sorry how this sounds, that are beneath me in education, career, socio-economic status, and the such. They’re good girls too, but I only date the ones I am comfortable excising completely from my life.

I guess I wanted to know if this is normal, being unable to move on and being resigned to a life of permanent bachelorhood. Should I be honest with one of these amazing women that I’m an emotional cripple? Or should I keep silent as I keep dating, hoping that I might eventually find someone who can help me move on? Or am I a particularly pathetic case of a broken heart?

Your ability to attach and detach seems to have been seriously affected by your broken engagement. I don’t know if it’s closure that you’re looking for, because we can give that to ourselves if we choose to. Something about how she ended things has taken a huge chunk from your ego and self-esteem. The only way to get it back is to rebuild it yourself, I’m afraid.

That’s the basis of most people’s need for closure. We don’t really want answers or to know why things ended. The why doesn’t really matter. What we want is to believe that the other person cared enough to acknowledge our hurt and pain. I’d guess that in the majority of cases, those of us who have sought closure at some point weren’t even given the truth. We were told what we wanted to hear because the other person wanted to unburden themselves in some way. Either they no longer wished to deal with us, no longer wanted to fear repercussions or just wanted to get rid of their own guilty conscience. Extending the olive branch, so to speak, is for their benefit. Not ours. It’s disingenuous. I honestly believe that, only in the rarest of cases, do we get the truth. And you know what? I would almost guarantee we wouldn’t want it anyway. That’s why the idea of closure is a myth. It doesn’t really exist.

Is what you’re experiencing “normal?” No. But it is common and even typical, especially when someone was excised the way it seems you were. It sounds like it was sudden and rather cold. To be frank, if I’m following the timeline correctly, this whole thing sounds impulsive and rushed. That makes me wonder if maybe there aren’t deeper issues going on here. Like maybe you get attached too quickly, thereby making it harder to detach?  To get engaged and then un-engaged in six months implies that the relationship itself wasn’t all that strong to begin with. As an aside, I find engagements that happen after a year or less to be questionable, but that’s me.

Mailing someone’s engagement ring back to them and refusing to see them sounds odd. Usually, the woman keeps the ring or has the decency to return it in person. If she’s not willing to face you and give that ring back, it makes me think she feels a tremendous amount of guilt about something. Now you’re trying to unravel the mystery of what really happened. That would explain your need for closure. There’s a piece to the puzzle that’s missing and you can’t move on without it.

I think you want to know whether she ever cared for you at all. The problem with asking a question like this is that you don’t want the truth here. Nor are you likely to get it. She’ll hide behind plausible deniability. She’ll never admit the truth.  Ergo, your pursuit of closure might be pointless. I think you need to accept that. Doing so might allow you to start healing enough to find something substantive and healthy.

Like I said, beyond what I’ve shared I don’t think I’m qualified to address your concern too deeply. This sounds like something you need to work through with a professional, if only to give you a second pair of eyes to help you uncover that last puzzle piece. You probably have it already. You just need someone to help you find it.

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Closure, Dating, Dating After Divorce, Dating Over 40, Deep Thoughts, Dysfunction Junction Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Man Who Acts Too Interested Too Soon

September 19, 2012 by 30 Comments

Name: Scaredy Cat
Age: 39
State: GA
Question: Hello,

I’m a 39 year old divorced single Mom who truly wants to have the relationship I “know” I deserve. I have met a wonderful man a few weeks ago online and ever since we met, we have been spending allot of time together.  Since we’ve met, I have seen him at least 3 times.  He drives 40 minutes each way to see me and says that if he had it his way, he would see me every day.  He talks like he wants a real relationship with me but has not asked me for exclusivity yet.  But, here’s where it gets interesting, I’m African American and he is a 42 year old, divorced, blond, blue-eyed handsome White gentleman.  Now, this does not bother me at all however, I’m trying to decide “when” I should be intimate with him???
When we go out, he LOVES the attention we get and says that he thrives off of how people stare at us.  Now, dating black women is not new for him since his ex-wife is Black and they have 3 children together.  We had been emailing and talking on the phone for about 2 weeks before we decided to meet.  When we met, we had a wonderful time.  I was concerned about him meeting my daughter, but one night (the 3rd meet up) he wanted to come over early (before she goes to bed), and he met her.  My daughter, who is 15, said that she likes him and that he seems like a really cool guy.  It’s me that’s worried. If I felt there was any inkling of impropriety where he was concerned, I would have NEVER invited him to my home.  He truly wants to get into my world and he understands that means accepting my daughter as well.
I’ve been in situations before where I had sex too fast or allowed someone into my world to quickly and it messed everything up.  I really like this guy and am VERY sexually attracted to him.  I just don’t know when to become intimate with him both emotionally and physically. He keeps hinting around at wanting sex, but I just laugh and change the subject to something else.  I joked with him about his “other girlfriends” and he said that he doesn’t have girlfriends per se (whatever that means – I know what per se is but I don’t know if he does or does not have other lady friends)??  He says that I have his total and undivided attention and he got upset at me when I hinted around at him dating other women.  He said that I struck a nerve because it sounds like I don’t trust him. I don’t know what to do.  He texted me at 2 AM in the morning and told me that he is falling for me.  He texts me every day telling me about how beautiful I am and how he keeps thinking “nice” thoughts about me.  Whenever we are around each other he wants to kiss me and kiss on my neck.  I just don’t want sex to mess up the friendship.  And again, I have only physically met him 1 week ago.  Is this guy really interested in me or does he just want me for sex?  I don’t want to mess this up but I don’t know how to differentiate between what’s real and what’s not?? I can reach him at any time.  He makes himself accessible and he’s making the long drive to see me.  So, after knowing him for about 2-3 weeks, I’m concerned about him coming around me.  Whenever we are around each other, he wants to kiss me and I’m concerned that the kissing will turn into sex.  So, I have not allowed him to come and see me for a couple of days and he’s starting to think he did something wrong.  I just tell him that I’ve been busy with my daughter and that’s why he can’t come over to see me.  What should I do??  I really like him, but I don’t want to mess this up and I am so confused about how to move forward.  Help??!!

 

But, here’s where it gets interesting, I’m African American and he is a 42 year old, divorced, blond, blue-eyed handsome White gentleman.  Now, this does not bother me at all

Then why did you bring it up? I don’t believe that it doesn’t bother you. What does he mean by he “loves” the way people stare at you two? What do you mean that he thrives off of it? Something about that doesn’t sit well with you. You don’t trust that his interest in you is coming from a healthy place. Not that I blame you, because I don’t either.

It’s been three dates. Why is he in such a rush to meet your daughter? Why is he in such a rush, period? That’s what you should be asking yourself.

I joked with him about his “other girlfriends” and he said that he doesn’t have girlfriends per se (whatever that means – I know what per se is but I don’t know if he does or does not have other lady friends)??

With that statement he is telling you, or at least leading you to believe, that he’s dating other women. I have to say that, if that were the case, I don’t know why he’d be driving 40 minutes to see you. Between that and what sounds like his utter desperation, I’d say he has limited options. That would explain why he’s laying it on so thick and trying so hard. He’s trying to ingratiate himself into your life by kissing up to both you and your daughter. Why? Since when is a divorced guy in such a rush to meet the children of a woman he just met online? Why is he driving 40 minutes to see you? Why is he so available? Everything about his behavior is the opposite of Game.

Whenever we are around each other, he wants to kiss me and I’m concerned that the kissing will turn into sex.

You’re not afraid of the sex. You’re afraid he’ll dump you once he gets the sex. Let’s not conflate the two issues. The bottom line is that you suspect that something about this situation is too good to be true. Which usually means it is. You don’t trust this because you know, instinctively, everything about this is the polar opposite of everything else you’ve experienced. This situation aside, you need to get a more mature attitude towards sex and dating. If you don’t trust yourself to say no, that’s a whole other issue that has nothing to do with him. You need to get your actions and your intentions in alignment where this area is concerned. You’re not 16 anymore. There’s just no room in the dating game to be thinking and acting like a teenager.

Either this guy is seriously desperate to get laid or gets attached alarmingly quickly. Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating someone who gives off a bit of desperado. My question would be about why he can’t seem to get any. My guess is that he scares women off with how overbearing and clingy he gets so early in the game.

Now let’s discuss your fear that, if you have sex in the dreaded “too soon” time frame, you’ll mess things up. Let’s look at that statement/concern more closely. You seem to think that the only reason why he’s being so attentive is to get sex. I agree with that, btw. I don’t necessarily agree that “all’ he wants is sex. He’s clearly dying to get into your pants. But do you understand that, if all a man wants is sex, it doesn’t matter how long you wait? If we follow your logic, the guy will bail or get turned off after sex. Okay. That means that there’s nothing you could do to “mess things up” because the outcome was pre-determined. You wouldn’t be messing anything up by sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. He’d have already decided that you were temporary.

I’m not suggesting that you ditch this guy.  He could just be awful and awkward at dating and out of practice. What I am advising you to do is learn more about him so you can understand *why* he’s so anxious to rush into this whole thing. If this were me, I’d be thinking something about this isn’t kosher. I don’t know what it is that has him so eager, but there is definitely something motivating him and causing him to act this way. It’s possible that he gets obsessed with women, or too needy or he’s just trying way too hard.

 

 


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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating The Crazy, Dysfunction Junction, Intimacy, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Man Who Proposes After 2 Months

September 16, 2012 by 12 Comments

Name: diana
Age: 40
State: boston
Question: I have some serious issues here, met a guy he is 48, i am 40, he seemed nice at beginning, sent flowers to my job, and a small gift it wasnt real or anything but he just wanted to send me something. well i went to meet this guy for first time, he lived in a small, very small studio,  we spent weekend just talking and gettin to know each other, i thought he was a nice guy, laid back,  i asked him where he was from, he said he came from jamaica 4 years ago, lived in florida then moved to VA with his brother, in florida he lived with others that were from Jamaica,  anyhow i didnt think much of it,  i went to see him twice, and both times he always bought up coming to my house and staying a week, i can go to work and leave him there he will be ok,  a red flag went up, because i was wondering why this dude wants to go to my house so fast, and stay a week, well i didnt answer,  finally i let him come, he stayed a week, but i stayed also, took vacation time, i dont leave anyone in my house alone,  well he pulls out these fake engagement ring,  and proposed, MIND YOU.. its only two months into the thing we had,  he proposed,  i said its to soon for that,  so i said yes just to see what happens next,  he started making dates, within 6 months he wants to marry, at justice of peace, and all this stuff,  then he ask me can he have 500 bucks because he behind on his rent,  then i had to pay his way twice to come see me,  once we went to station counter together, im thinking he gonna pay his own way, i already had my ticket,  well he pulls out his debit card and it was declined, no funds,  RED FLAG GOES UP,  he knew he had no money on that card when we was walking to the counter,  he knew he didnt, and he knew i would end up paying since we were there,  i peeped that one..  i paid, but i was heated. and he saw it,  I ask him how is he gettin paid,  he said he cant file taxes,  RED FLAG, i said WHY?   he said he dont have his papers,  RED FLAG,  i said what papers,  he said papers to be here in US,  RED FLAG!  he said he met a woman when he first got here, and married her after 7 months,  but when he asked her can he come live with her, she said NO,  he filed for divorce he said,  RED FLAG AGAIN,  i asked him why would someone he marry and suppose to be his wife say no to her husband living with her,  that didnt sound right!!!!!   then i notice he always yelling at me and its always his word and  my words didnt matter,  he never wanted to hear my side, he always say CONVERSATION OVER!  when he was done talking,  so cold hearted and mean i figured,  he yell at me and say HUSH.  once during sex, i said it hurts i dont want to put my leg there,  he said SHUT UP, and kept going hard,   ((sorry for puttin that in there but i had to tell it as it is)))  i also notice this dude belittling me saying i had no self belief and no self esteem,  i was full of shit,  and i asked him was he seeing someone  he went off on me badly,  and cursed me out.  then he says ,  we will marry but give him time, just be patient,  he will live in his place and i will stay at mine,  just have patience and let him take care of a few things and we will live anywhere i want together,  in my town or his,  RED FLAG,  i said to myself is this dude thinking im dumb, marry him, he stay in his place and me in mine,  then after he get his papers he dump me and divorce or something,  i am not sure how that stuff work,  he would get mad at me and stop speaking or answering my calls for a while,  then call and say TALK,  he is jamaican and i had a lil trouble understanding some things he say,  i never dated a jamaican before.    soon as i told him i decided not to marry,  he stop talking to me and wouldnt answer my calls or texts,  or return them,  so its clear he was using me to get his papers,   DAMN SHAME!   JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY STORY,  feel free to leave a word on it,  was i being used or not?

The truth is, Diana, you knew you were being scammed and you went along with it. Then, only when he decided to move on to another mark, you chose to feel vicitimized. The minute to accepted that marriage proposal, you became complicit in his deception.

And scene.

It’s okay to go forward with a situation even though your feelers might be jangling a bit. The purpose of seeing situations like this through to a point is to help you learn how to interpret your instincts. I’ve said this before. Rarely are our instincts wrong. It is how we decipher those internal warning signs that usually fails us. The main reason why so many people seem to stall at the same point in every relationship is because they’ve never followed through. They usually bail at the first sign of “trouble.” Or they do something that sabotages the relationship. Them when the person they suspected was “shady” disappears, they choose to believe that their instincts were correct. That’s how someone creates a false belief. It is those false beliefs that lead people down the wrong path.

The moment that the man in this story whipped out a fake engagement ring, that should have been all the confirmation Diana needed to know that he was up to something. Had she walked away then, she would have saved $500 and a portion of her dignity.

The problem I have with these stories is that most people – men and women -  ignore the fact that these stories almost exclusively come from people who display a myriad of issues and dating difficulties themselves. The listening audience doesn’t factor that very important bit of information into the big picture. Remember that the next time you hear or read a story like this.

Allow me to enlighten you. It’s very rare that someone who tells these tales of woe do so in order to help people. They tell these stories hoping people will join in and commiserate and/or congratulate them for being so smart/independent/savvy. I was recently moving furniture in and out of my apartment. As I stood outside waiting for my friend to come back from the store, a guy who was also hanging outside started to chat me up. Within ten minutes, I learned that his girlfriend had recently called off their engagement. Immediately a bell went off in my head. “Why is he telling me this?” I wondered. I politely declined when he asked for my number.

Develop a belief system and personal code that isn’t based on the distorted views and experiences of others. The mere fact that anybody would tell a story like the IP’s – publicly, no less – is a red flag in and of itself. Personally, I’d be embarrassed to admit to something like this. It’s one thing to turn to a trusted confidante. It’s a whole other ball of wax to share an experience like this with anybody who will listen.

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Filed Under: Bad Dates, Co-Habitation, Couple Conundrums, Critical Thinking, Dating, Douchey Guys, Dysfunction Junction, Red Flags

Why Do We Need To Catch Men In The Act Rather Than Just Walk Away?

August 29, 2012 by 42 Comments

I just got lucky……..   Great Looking guy on Match….smooth, Hermes ties, great neighborhood, all the right credentials, very interested, bla, bla!   He sent me his phone #.  My inner voice told me to Google the hell out of him.   Good thing I did.  He sent me his office # and his first name.  (Not the usual cell #)  I drilled down on him and found a shocking police report that he had been arrested in May for beating his son with a belt.  The details were ghastly.  I contacted Match and they pulled him off!

Thank God I think I have a sweet normal guy to meet next week.   I have been in the dating world forever and the child beater guy really has me glad to be at home with a girl’s week end coming up.  Thank God for Google and good gut instincts!

I keep googling every fact.   Phone #, first name….Company phone….Full name….. read all the listings…. Mr. Child Beater came up fast since the crime was in May.   I also look for photos associated with the name and found one of his family at his son’s signing for a college sports team.    It made me sick to think that he beat his son who is same age as my daughter. This Ass Hole filled his profile about how much he loves his kids and likes  to treat women like ladies.  I am haunted by the image of his poor wife and kids who were brutalized by this monster in their local mansion.  I am certain that the incident was not the first.    He came out to the police with a belt wrapped around his fist and said he was allowed to hit his son….

Now, obviously it’s a good thing that this woman learned what she learned. That’s a given. What I want to know, though, is what prompted her to drill down as far as she did? She said that her inner voice told her to Google him. Why wasn’t that enough to just back away? Someone not revealing their last name to a potential online date is not atypical. It’s quite common now. So that wouldn’t trigger anything, for me at least. In this woman’s case, the man was likely trying to prevent her from finding anything via Google. I’m sure he never thought she would take the little bit of info he did share and do such thorough research. What I don’t understand is…why go so far? Why not stop at the initial feeling in her gut? I’m in no way trying to defend the guy. He either is clueless about the ways of Google or simply doesn’t care if a woman finds out this bit of info because he either doesn’t plan to see her more than once or is a great smooth talker.

My second question concerns the frequency in which these tales include commentary on the man’s job, the car he drives, his apartment, his wardrobe, etc. It always seems to be the charmers that end up being the snakes. I know that when I’ve been drawn to a guy because of something superficial like a British accent or his clothes or his job, I’ve always learned the hard way that he was disingenuous. That alone has now served as a warning sign for me. Am I enchanted by a brogue? Step back and wake up, dear. Look closer.

My guess is that, in the majority of these situations where the woman has been fooled or encountered someone shady or been pumped and dumped, the guy was noticeably out of her league. And yet rarely do these women draw a connection between being attracted to superficial qualities and the low caliber of the men they meet. The lesson? Men who go out of their way to advertise their wealth or status (or “wealth” or “status”) by name dropping or letting you know where they summer/hang out tend to be douche bags. Most don’t have a criminal record, of course. But the majority are raging tools. My general rule of thumb is to avoid them all together. I don’t fit in in the world they inhabit, or claim to, and I’m A-Ok with that. I don’t need to summer in The Hamptons to feel good about myself. Nor do I feel an overwhelming need to trot out some dude in a suit (the he probably bought at Bonobos for half off) and make him say cheeky things in his accent whilst dropping first names of the famous people he barely knows  so my girlfriends can envy me. That’s really the only reason we date such flaming assholes – to make our girlfriends jealous. We know they suck. On some level we don’t even like them.But they raise our status amongst our gal pals. Huzzah!

If I had to wager, I’d say that the reason why this woman felt the need to check this guy out so extensively stemmed from two trains of thought:

1. Could this guy really be as amazing as he seems, thereby indulging a fantasy or ideal that doesn’t exist.

And..

2. What does this guy want with me?

I’ll close with an insightful quote from Driving Me Nutes:

I am intrigued, however, by the people who fall in love with someone’s persona. Really, he’s tall, gorgeous and a doctor so he, therefore fulfills “all the qualities” you look for in a mate? Rather superficial and impulsive, I think. If your mate selection is based entirely on superficial qualities – you have to realize that there are more than ten dozen women who are just like you, who will fall in love quickly over the same superfiical, easily-ascertainable qualities. Therefore, that guy has the pick of the litter – for no real substantive reason. Perhaps he will even pick the entire litter, one at a time, you included. It’s really easy to spend capital you haven’t earned. (Ok, I will concede that med school could be an accomplishment). I would ask myself honestly why those superfiical qualities are important to me. And, when you figure that out, my advice would be to stop trying to compete and impress other women and select a mate based on substantive qualities that take some time and effort to uncover. – DMN

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Skills, Dating The Crazy, Dysfunction Junction, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Your Love Life Isn’t a Lifetime Movie

August 19, 2012 by 14 Comments

On St Patty’s day, I met 25 yr old J at a bar. We had a nice night that ended in kissing. Since that night he kept in touch with me every day via text, but bc he was busy with work and night classes we didn’t see each other much. Since he didn’t make much time to see me I took this as classic “he’s not that into you” even though he seemed like a really nice shy sweet guy. So when he wanted to hang out if I had time, we would meet up with a drink–sometimes with his friends. The most we did over knowing each other was kiss a handful of times. Each time we hung out we had a good time, I could tell, and then he started to want to hang out more frequently, but I didn’t take him too seriously because he never put in that much effort.

I also rejoined OKCupid in mid April. After a string of mediocre dates, I met 35 year old M. M and I hit it off right away and I could tell we had a good first date. He did all the right things. Made time to see me, send me cute little emails or texts every day, bought flowers, made dinner. We get along really well too but I had some reservations about our compatibility. And he is a MAN and this really intimidated me because I usually date boyish guys. Three weeks after meeting M, I had drinks with J and told him I had started seeing someone, but I liked him and his friends and hoped we could be friends. I didn’t think he would mind at all. But he got upset! It really surprised me. He begged me to meet with him later in the week to hear him out. He apologized to me for not making it clear how much he liked me, he told me he was willing to put in the time and effort to make a relationship and that he really liked me. I said we could only be friends, but I must admit after a year of dating losers, the attention was flattering and felt really nice. Also, I think I was protecting myself and didn’t want to get too invested in M because I had been hurt a few time via OKC. Since then, J and I hung out about 1-2 a week just as friends. During this time, M told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else and I said me either, which was technically true :/

M went out of town for a weekend, and I spent a day with J. Just having lunch, running errands, and I had a great great time. But I wasn’t feeling conflicted until M got back and I felt like we didn’t connect. He is more the strong silent type and I wanted to connect via talking when he got back into town and he wanted to connect by having sex. I got really confused and conflicted and acted standoffish to M and a little bit mean. I am not proud of how I acted. M is a smart, intuitive guy who had been through a lot in life and relationships. He knew something was off right away. And he kept probing–”What happened when I was away?” “This isn’t like you.” He kept pushing a little. Finally, I broke down but I LIED and told him I ran into an old friend over the weekend who said he had feelings for me and I was conflicted. But I thought about it and wanted to be with him. The next day, we talked about it some more and I LIED again and told him, I had actually made plans to see the guy. Then the next day, M told me I had to tell him the whole story because he would not put up with lying and I had to figure out what my heart wants. After a day of thinking about everything, I told M the whole entire truth and told him I wanted to be with him and that I would not see J again. He said he was happy for the truth and happy to be with me because he really likes me and wanted to try to put effort into making the relationship work (he said in his last relationship, which was 5 years long, they didn’t communicate or put effort and that was their downfall and that he learned from those mistakes). Maybe, me being naive, I thought everything would be fine from then on, but it still took a few more days of talking about things. I just wanted to sweep it under the rug. Since that time when I admitted the truth, most of the time things have been really good between M and I. We just had two really great weekends in a row, and we are doing well. But this week, he asked if I had heard from J. I told the truth and said he wrote me emails a few times, but I didn’t respond to the last one and I hadn’t talked to him in weeks. I got upset that he even brought it up! I think it should be done by now! And I got angry and we fought a little. My girlfriends agree, but my guy friends say it is going to take some more time to build back the trust and his ego is bruised. Do you think he can get past this? He said he doesn’t want to control me or police me, he just wants to be in an open honest relationship and it still hurts that I lied to him.

The thing is I apologized over and over and I told him why I did it. And what’s even more, is that I’m not really a liar, I am a pretty good, solid, dependable person who only wants the best for people. So I get so upset that he views me as a liar and/or cheat. Because I made a mistake but that isn’t WHO I AM. And I thought I was doing the right thing by telling J we could only be friends and never cheated.

I guess I’m just asking if you think we can get to a healthy happy place? - Confused, 30

No, because you don’t want to be in a happy, healthy place. You’re 30 years old chumming around with a 25 year old. There’s my first clue. Most 25 year old guys aren’t think long term relationship when they date women that much older than them. Even if they are, they’ll eventually wake up and remember they can date younger.  A woman who wants a real relationship doesn’t go for a guy that young, either. Just like a 29 year old doesn’t seriously date a 20 year old. There’s a reason why someone your age would go for someone that young, and it’s usually not genuine compatibility. (Except for you, bro. Your situation is TOTALLY different. ) Usually the compatibility is based on each person’s mutual emotional immaturity. And you, my love, are wildly emotionally immature.

Whether you realize it or not, when you came home from your day of hanging out with J., you were intentionally acting stand offish in order to get M. to ask you what was wrong.

Know how I know you were looking to cause drama? Because there was no reason for you to tell M anything, as you had supposedly made your decision. Oh, right. “I want to start things off with a clean slate!” I hate to tell you, but there’s no such thing as a clean slate. Everybody’s slates area little dirty. People need to get past this adorable idea that relationships require 100% honesty, because they don’t. That’s another sign of emotional immaturity. There are some things keep to yourself because revealing them to your partner would upset them. If you truly care about them you don’t want to do that.

You wanted drama and attention. You got it. There was no need for you to tell him about J. There was no imminent threat. None. But you wanted to. You just didn’t want to offer it up. You wanted M. to ask you what was wrong so that you could say you only told him because he asked and so you could prolong the tension. You wanted to create a situation where the focus was 100% on you.

The majority of men out there don’t feed into this sort of thing.  If a woman has a problem or internal conflict,  man isn’t going to try to drag it out of her. If she wants to stew or pout or chase her tail hoping he’ll notice how wound up she is, most guys just sit back and let her. Why? Because they know no good can come from pushing for an answer to the question, ‘Are you okay?” They also refuse to indulge blatant attention seeking from an adult woman.

But this week, he asked if I had heard from J. I told the truth and said he wrote me emails a few times, but I didn’t respond to the last one and I hadn’t talked to him in weeks. I got upset that he even brought it up! I think it should be done by now!

If you wanted it to be done, then why answer the question honestly? Good thing you only told him you didn’t reply to the last email J. sent instead of, like, just lying. What cause would there have been for M. to feel threatened? The only reason you even indulged J.in the first place once you had met M. was so you could use him to create conflict.

The thing is I apologized over and over and I told him why I did it. And what’s even more, is that I’m not really a liar, I am a pretty good, solid, dependable person who only wants the best for people. So I get so upset that he views me as a liar and/or cheat. Because I made a mistake but that isn’t WHO I AM.

Well, I agree that you’re not a liar or a cheat. You’re just immature and have juvenile ideas about how real relationship work. It’s not enough to have an even keeled relationship. You need the plot twist and the surprise ending.  You want to be the woman afraid to love because she’s burned, or the one who wonders “What if?” about that one guy who got away. The only men who tolerate such nonsense are men with their own dysfunctions or men who have no options. But even those guys eventually wise up and realize they can do better.

NOTE: Three days after this letter was submitted, the OP let me know that M. had cheated on her the night before and the relationship was over.

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Filed Under: Dating, Drama Queens, Dysfunction Junction, Emotional Cheating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Must Have Dating Skill – Emotional Maturity

May 23, 2012 by 9 Comments

Name: Amy
Age: 30
State:
Question: I wrote in several months ago about a guy I was dating who’d invited me to Thanksgiving with his family, but didn’t want to be in a relationship.  We were only dating and sleeping with each other, we said we loved each other, we did everything a couple does except calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

He said he wanted to lose weight, he wanted to get a job he was happy with, he wanted to be completely over his ex and other hard stuff from the past, that he had a lot to work on before he could be in a relationship.  He said he had too much to deal with in his world to take on somebody else’s world.  (I should note here that I’ve know him for thirteen years, though we only really got to know each other last year.  His sister and I are old high school friends.  His dad and I get along wonderfully.  This isn’t just some random guy.)  Anyways, all those things made sense to me.  He told his dad he loved me, but wasn’t ready for a relationship; he told his friends, too.  Believing I understood the situation, I asked for space, so he could get his stuff together and so I wouldn’t feel like I was being strung along.

He called drunk one night, saying he was a loser and missed me.  I tried to be comforting and understanding.  He called me drunk again on New Years and talked for an hour, literally an hour, about how he was talking about me all night, how he missed and loved me, how I was so thoughtful, and then started crying about the sweetness of the Christmas gift I gave him.  It pulled on my heart so much that, like a dope, I went over his place.  During sex, he did something that I’d already told him I didn’t like; I got upset.  I didn’t get angry, I got sad.  I just started crying and told him I didn’t like that and he knew it.  I asked him to please talk with me so we could both be on the same page, so maybe he could understand, really, why I didn’t like that, and so I could stop hurting.  He refused.  He said he didn’t care.  I was incredibly confused and hurt and broke the Christmas gift I got him (anger/violence is really out of character for me).  He then kicked me out.

A month later (a day or two after I’d contacted a therapist to help sort out all my confusion and hurt), I got a three minute long voicemail from him, saying he was sorry, that it didn’t take him a month to realize he was wrong, but his ego was in the way, that I deserved better than that, that he didn’t want me to think he was a jerk who didn’t care, that he didn’t expect this to fix anything, but just really wanted to say he was sorry.  I didn’t respond.  He sent an email a few days later, saying he hoped I got his voicemail and that he hoped all was well with me and that he had a job interview soon.

I didn’t want to call or email, but I didn’t want to leave him hanging, either, because I know that that hurts.  I wrote him a letter, snail mail, and thanked him for apologizing, told him he still meant a lot to me, that his apology meant a lot to me and that it gave me what I needed to heal.  I told him I just needed space, to process everything, to feel okay about it all.  He emailed me right away after he got the letter.  In his email he made a joke about the thing he did during sex; I don’t want to say what he did, but the joke went something like: I’m sorry I did that to you.  It felt amazing and that’s why I did it.  If you weren’t so much fun to have sex with, maybe I wouldn’t have done it and maybe you wouldn’t be so mad at me.

He also said he didn’t want us to rehash/discuss what happened anymore, that he was tired of dissecting stuff like that . . . then he explained his side.  I realize he sounds like an ass, and definitely screwed with my head, but I’m still hurt.  He was the first guy I ever had sex with.  I’m 30 and I realize that’s not common, but because of past sexual and verbal abuse, it was incredibly hard for me to let men get close.

Anyways, after his email, I wrote back, saying I didn’t think his joke was funny, and that he explained his side after saying he didn’t want to discuss it anymore.  I wrote: people have the want/need to be understood, but they also have the need/want to not have to deal with hard things; maybe you needed both.  I told him I still cared about him, but was very hurt and to please not write back anymore.  He wrote back right away, saying he was sorry, and he included a link to a cute animal picture (I love cute animals).  I didn’t write back.  Several days later, he sent another email with another cute animal link. At this point, I was having panic attacks when I saw his name in my inbox.  A few days later, I finally wrote back telling him all this was very hard, that he needed to be fair in terms of communication, to be all in or all out, to either have a long, hard discussion with me about everything or leave me alone completely.  This was in February.  I haven’t heard from him since.

Five or six weeks after I sent him that email, on April 1st, he got into a relationship with a girl he was already friends with, who, about a month or two prior, separated from her husband (a guy she dated for years and was married to for not even a year).  After a week of them being boyfriend and girlfriend, he took her to Easter dinner with his family.  I’ve deleted him from Facebook and have deleted my account all together, but the last I saw was that he was working out and was much “healthier and happier”; his girlfriend liked it and commented that she would “love it” if she could.

I am in therapy to help me deal with all the confusion, which is helping, but I’m writing to get as many points of view as possible; I’m still confused about it all.  It’s May and I’m better, but I still get really sad sometimes.  Here’s my questions: is it normal to still get so hurt/sad by stuff that happened three months ago?  From the outside, his new relationship looks like a rebound, or a confidence booster for both parties, but could it be real?  That blows my mind and makes me feel like he was lying to me the whole time about not being ready, which means he was using me, which makes me feel awful inside, because I believed him and believed in him.

I think this would be a lot easier if I wasn’t friends with his sister and dad.  I’m going to her wedding later this year and am so scared to see him there, to maybe see him with this girlfriend who he got with so soon after me.

 

I’m 30 and I realize that’s not common, but because of past sexual and verbal abuse, it was incredibly hard for me to let men get close.

Okay, but you let this guy get close. That negates the “I was abused and it’s hard for me to let a guy in” reasoning. It’s not hard for you to let a guy in. It’s hard for you to let the right guys in and reject the wrong ones. This is similar to the excuses you read in the dating blogosphere. The women in their thirties and forties whining about how hard it is for them to trust men and that’s why they keep dating unavailable men or none of their relationships work out. The relationships don’t work out because the women are limited or damaged in some way and refuse to change. They like being the wounded bird. It’s a comfortable and convenient excuse to explain why they can’t keep a guy around. You can’t keep falling back on the abuse excuse to justify your behavior. It’s not an excuse. It’s a contributing factor, but not an excuse. I say that as someone who has been through a similar experience. We don’t get to play that card after a certain point. We just don’t. You just don’t go breaking items in people’s homes and then say, “But..but..I was abused!” It’s great that you’re in therapy, but if your sessions revolve around examining his behavior and relationship, you’re wasting your money.

I don’t want to say what he did,

Trust me. Most of us have figured it out. I get that you set a boundary and he crossed it and you felt violated. You are absolutely justified in being upset at that. Someone who does that doesn’t respect you. He then made it worse by trying to downplay it. This guy is a mess in numerous ways.

Here’s my questions: is it normal to still get so hurt/sad by stuff that happened three months ago?

Nobody gets to dictate when or how you process something. Normal is subjective. Is it destructive to stew in this situation? Yes. It’s not healthy. But you’ll get through it when you get through it. You have no experience with this, which is why it’s taking so long to heal. Like anything else, it’s a learning process. Trust me. You’ll eventually get to a point where you look at his Facebook page and laugh at him. Once you stop caring what he thinks, you’ll be surprised how easy it is to see him for who he really is.

From the outside, his new relationship looks like a rebound, or a confidence booster for both parties, but could it be real?

Sure. He could even marry her. I highly doubt it’s any more healthy than his relationship with you, though. He just managed to find someone who accepts and embraces his immaturity and stupidity. They aren’t compatible in spite of his issues. They are compatible because of them.

That blows my mind and makes me feel like he was lying to me the whole time about not being ready, which means he was using me, which makes me feel awful inside, because I believed him and believed in him.

Yup. That sucks. But I don’t think he was lying about being ready. I don’t think he is ready for a truly mature and adult relationship. Like I said, he just found someone who is accepting of his very obvious limitations. Someone who will fawn over him on Facebook and write cutesy replies to his lame commentary. Men like this don’t wake up one day and become self-actualized and mature human beings. They just find someone who doesn’t know any better and then hopes for the best.

You’re both emotionally immature. That’s why you engaged each other. That’s why you believed him. He will never truly understand why you were hurt. There is no point in trying to get him to see your side of things. He’s not capable of doing that.

Use this experience to propel you to the next level.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Skills, Douchey Guys, Dysfunction Junction, Happy & Healthy, Rebound, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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