Question :I admit to being someone who is not attracted to “chunky” women. Since women are sensitive about this, how should a man let his girlfriend know that she’s gained weight? I’ve been with V. for 2 years. When we met she was 31, in great shape, very health conscious, working out multiple times a week. We moved in together at the beginning of this year. In that time she has gone from fastidiously working out to making it to the gym twice a week at best. I’ve met her parents and her Mom is quite overweight and not even 60 yet. Before I take this relationship to the next level I want to be sure that that won’t be her – and my – fate.
Well, first you have to find out why she’s gained weight. Is she suffering from any health or medical problems? That should be your first concern. She could have a thyroid issue or PCOS, two conditions known for causing weight gain. If you haven’t noticed her being sluggish or heard her complaining of any kind of pain or health concerns, then it might not be a medical issue. It’s quite possible that she has a certain health issue that she hasn’t told you about. A change in medications can certainly cause a noticeable weight gain. Though, for the record, I don’t necessarily buy that meds are the only problem in those cases. It’s a nice excuse that many people hide behind. Sometimes it solely due to medications. But not always. usually it’s a combination of the medical issue and horrible dieting choices. Having a medical issue is a great excuse people can use to convince themselves that it’s OK to stuff their face with a bag of candy.
Next item to cross off the list is psychological issues. Is she depressed? Has she been stressed?If her demeanor is the same, then there probably aren’t any issues there.
Which leaves the tried and true “I gots my man, I don’t have to try anymore” excuse. She has you now, so maybe she doesn’t feel she has to try anymore. Adorable. Stupid and naive, but adorable.
Letting yourself go is one surefire way to lose your partner. Single men and women have the same concern. It shocks me to see some people my age and how unhealthy they look. Not just unhealthy but unkempt. I was at a party last month with a friend and we were shocked to see women my age and older walking in to the party wearing knee length denim skirts and tank tops and flimsy flip flops. Their saggy boobs jiggled underneath their tops, their hair was unstyled. Then there were the men in their forties who walked around in tight jeans and sleeveless shirts, their thinning hair combed over to one side. What really shocked me was seeing the skin on all these people. Folks, if there is one thing you should pay most attention to after your weight it’s your complexion/skin. It speaks volumes about your lifestyle choices. If you drink a lot, it shows. If you eat poorly, it shows. If you don’t sleep much, it shows.
Guys, if you’re one of those men who likes to crack on chubby or overweight women, especially on the internet, you better pray that you look good enough to do so. Same goes for the women who bitch about men with beer bellies. Unless you’re hitting the gym regularly and eating well and taking good care of your skin and bones, you need to keep your yaps shut. Also, ladies, stop deluding yourself that you don’t have wrinkles and look ten years younger. Also please cease with the, “I get hit on by younger guys ALL. THE. TIME!” All that means is that they think you’re old and easy. Stop embarrassing yourselves with that. Nothing is more unattractive to me than when a man says, “I’m 45 but look and act/feel younger!” Hate to break it to you, Benjamin Buttons, but we all age. Yes, you have wrinkles. Start embracing your age instead of being ashamed of it.
Time to step it up, ladies and gentleman. Forget about attraction. Your life depends on it. Your body doesn’t stay healthy on its own.
The reality is that we – men and women – need to do whatever we can not to give people reason to pass us over. Overweight and not having success? Lose it. Drink too much? Cut back. Work too much? Fix that. Don’t be insecure and annoying. Don’t be unpleasant. Don’t put a unsightly tattoo on your face. Don’t add. Subtract.
Okay. Back to the OP. Paul, if your girlfriend’s weight is an issue, one that could prevent you from being attractive to her, you need to address that with her. And, no, not with hints. Hints don’t work. But like I said above, you better be bringing the same amount of concern and dedication to the table if you want that talk to go well. You don’t need to tell your GF that you’re afraid you’ll no longer be attracted to her. You should frame it as though you are concerned for her health. Which you are. I assure you she will go to the ‘you still think I’m pretty, right?” place first, giving you an opportunity to say that you feel she could and has looked better.If that doesn’t light a fire under her butt, nothing will.
You don’t have to feel bad about this, either. Nobody should ever assume that it’s okay to let themselves go at the expense of their partner’s needs. Keeping yourself looking good, besides just being good for your emotional and physical health, is how men and women demonstrate to their partners that they care and show self-esteem.
Now, if she does nothing to change? Well, my advice is to leave. If she’s not going to at least try to get back in shape, she’s telling you that your needs don’t matter. She’ll give you the excuse that your supposed to love her for who she is, blahblahblah. That’s another sweetened up lie that Mommy’s tell their daughters. No. Men and women want to be with people they want to have sex with. She’s not 60 years old. She’s, what, 33? Please. Barring medical/psychological issues, she should be able to take off 15-20 pounds in just a few months. Whether or not she can depends on how badly she wants to keep the relationship.
Listen, nobody said relationships were easy or held guarantees.