You are here: Home / Archives for Facebook

Beware The Man Who Commits Too Soon – Part Deux

March 2, 2012 by 23 Comments

Name: Carina
State: FL
Age:  32
Comment: Hi, Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 months now.  Things are going well and we are getting closer every day.  Ive met some of his friends and vice versa.  As most people, we have facebook accounts and we added each other from month 1.  We traveled together 2 weeks ago to Europe for 10 days but he didn’t upload any pics.  He sent them to me on an online album.  He has very few pictures on facebook but do have 3 pictures from 3 years ago with an ex at restaurants, etc… all had other people in them.  All the pics on his facebook are tags from his friends. He’s in the technology business and has a lot of clients and employees on facebook so 90% of his comments are work related but he does posts daily.  Well, he posts on his tweeter and they upload into facebook automatically.  We haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks because we’ve both been traveling. Question is I’ve been tempted to write on his wall telling him I miss him or commenting on his posts but hes never written on mine so I dont know if I should.  I feel it may be sending the message of “I’m insecure and want everyone to know we r together”.  We speak over the phone several times a day, so is not like facebook is our mean to communicate ever.  But still….  Any feedback?

For additional back story on this situation, read Carina’s first letter so you can follow possible references to the original post.

Since it appears as though he maintains a Facebook page more for work purposes than anything else, and isn’t uploading photos from your trip, that he prefers to keep his private life offline.

I feel it may be sending the message of “I’m insecure and want everyone to know we r together”.

That’s is the message that posting a sentiment like that would send. And let’s be honest, that’s exactly why you would want to post it. If you and he talk all the time, several times a day, there’s no reason for you to post something so personal on his Facebook Wall other than to make your presence known. That’s why most people do it. That’s why they post photos and write cutesy tweets and Like even the most obscure or boring of updates. They want everybody to know that they have someone. Or they want to piss off an ex. Or they just want attention.

You’re bothered that he’s not uploading your trip photos to Facebook. I can understand that. Now, if we didn’t have the first letter and the additional info in there, I’d say you this was a simple case of being insecure. But since we do, I want to follow up on something you said in the first letter. You said he’s met your family. Have you met his? Maybe that’s what the trip to Europe was about. I don’t know. What I do know is that something causing you to be insecure and maybe a little paranoid. What is it?

Is it a bad sign that he’s not posting things on Facebook? Taken at face value, my answer is no. He works in technology and so he’s probably hyper-aware of the privacy issues on Facebook. I find people who are eager to post pictures and updates are usually doing it for the benefit of others or to support some manufactured image they have of themselves and not out of genuine contentment or happiness.

Listen, we all do it to some degree. We Facebook stalk exes, we pour over albums to take a look at their past lovers. We read their tweets. (Or, ahem, their blog.) We keep tabs on past boyfriends or girlfriends or lovers.  It’s hardly atypical these days and it usually isn’t done maliciously. (Unless of course somebody is looking to add a little dramz to their life or tedious relationship.)  Rational people know the lines, and we don’t cross them. We don’t impose ourselves in that person’s life in any way, especially if we know we’re not wanted. We might have private snark/analysis sessions with our friends, but that’s about it. Plus, it’s entertaining to watch the self-obsessed drama queens flame out or take themselves too seriously. It’s all for attention and to add to some creepy mystique or to add some spice to their relationship or to mess with their significant other. I’ve mentioned before that I have male friends who intentionally write on the walls of women who are mutual friends with the women they date. They do it intentionally to get a reaction. Which then compels the woman they’re taunting to check their page that much more often and be on high alert. As I said in an article I wrote for The Good Men Project yesterday, social media does not kill relationships. People kill relationships (TM Crotch Rocket.)

You need to be honest with yourself about a few things. You just wrote a comment about how, when you lived in NYC, you had a hard time finding a guy who wanted a relationship. Maybe you did encounter those guys, but your inability to trust and need to mark your territory pushed them away? When you’re watching what you guy is doing via Facebook because you fear something is off, that’s when it all becomes a problem.

I think you fear that this guy is hiding you away for some reason. Frankly, I think he is. Maybe not hiding you so much as holding off on bringing you in to the fold. You’re concerned that he doesn’t seem eager (or as eager as you) to let everybody know about your relationship. You’re of the mindset that this is a magical love affair and that he should be shouting it from the roof tops. To him, this is just a new relationship, like all the ones he has had before. (And FYI…those relationships never stuck, according to you. ) Maybe he has a recent Ex. Maybe he is cautious about what he shares publicly.Maybe he’s questioning the relationship. Maybe he doesn’t want there to be any public evidence that he’s in a relationship. It’s too early to tell and I don’t know him.

You, on the other hand, are desperate to broadcast this relationship publicly. Not that I don’t understand your anxiety. I do. This guy definitely seems, based on what you’ve shared, to be  slow at incorporating you into his life. This is why I say that committing early, offering you a key to his place, traveling,  meeting your family, etc means nothing . If he’s not making the same effort to introduce you to his world – his public world – something is off. (Also a red flag is if he’s too eager to make the relationship public. That’s for a reason, and it usually isn’t happiness.)

You’re insecure for a reason. Either you’re a naturally insecure person or something about this relationship is setting off some warning bells. It doesn’t make sense that, after all this guy has done and alllll the bragging you have done, that you’re this insecure about Facebook.

I said it last time and I’ll say it again. This guy was way too eager to commit, and likely did so to get laid since you admitted that you told him you don’t have sex without commitment. He committed casually, knowing he could always leave. Which isn’t real commitment.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Trust, Drama Queens, Facebook, jealousy, Latests Posts, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , ,

The Importance of Boundaries

February 7, 2012 by 14 Comments

Tonight’s post was inspired by a piece written by a recent Guest Post writer, Jimmy.

Recently, I came home and my girlfriend was not a happy camper.  Apparently I was in the doghouse for tweeting too many women on my Twitter account.

For real?

Thinking this was just her insecurities, I blew it off until I recently received some emails from some fellow twiends about how their significant others are slightly perturbed over our friendly “twirting” sessions.

Give me a f*cking break.

I’m sorry, but anybody in any relationship who brings up Twitter (and doesn’t have a Twitter account, mind you) as a means of betrayal in the relationship has some insecurities to definitely sort out.

I happen to agree with Jimmy’s girlfriend. As I explained to him, it’s not the flirting (or not flirting) that is concerning. It’s the need for attention that sets off alarm bells. It’s also the total lack of boundaries. Take this excerpt above. Do you really think his girlfriend wants everybody knowing that he thinks she’s insecure? Do you really think she wants him sharing the inner workings of their relationship with his mostly female audience? Probably not. That would make many people insecure. Hence why she’s sitting at home watching his Twitter feed.

Something else that raises a red flag?  That your significant other or person you’ve just begun dating is not just monitoring your social media (many do it) but are telling you that they’re watching your social media. (You never go full Stalker, kids. Ever.) What they’re telling you with this behavior is that they are concerned. Possibly unhappy. To dismiss that is dangerous.

How many stories have we heard about women seeing Wall comments on the Walls of the men they are dating? Or comments they’ve written on women’s Walls? Here’s a secret ladies. I know men that intentionally write comments on a woman’s Wall KNOWING that a woman he’s dating is one of her friends and will see it. More often than not that women, within hours, is checking in with the guy “out of the blue” just to see how he’s doing and how his day is going.

The reason why I enjoy Twitter so much is because since over 60 percent of the North American population is on the social network, it gives me the chance to converse with amazing people I would have never met otherwise and the fact that I write about dating and relationships, I’m already expected to have more female readers than male readers and I won’t censor myself just so significant other can feel at ease.

Here’s the deal. A relationship hinges on the ability and willingness of each partner to consider each other’s feelings. If someone who is in a relationship can’t step away from Twitter or Facebook and has to engage in banter with the opposite sex, then there is something wrong. It’s a desire for attention. That need is supposed to be filled by your significant other, to some degree. Not a bunch of avatars. Knowing that your significant other is announcing aspects of your relationship (even the positive ones) to people, even friends, is unsettling. It also makes it very, very hard for them to trust you.

Nobody likes to feel like their significant other is telling tales out of school. We don’t need to go home for Thanksgiving and wonder if our partner’s sister or brother knows about our sexual proclivities or that fight we had that night when we were drunk. We need to know that what goes on between us stays between us. More over, we don’t like the idea of people judging our relationship. (Although that’s usually a sign of our own discomfort with the relationship.) A more experienced person knows that if they don’t want something judged, they don’t share that information publicly. Keep yer trap shut. It’s a pretty simple concept. If you don’t want to be judged or scrutinized, then keep your private life private. There aren’t enough Twitter or Facebook blocks in the world to prevent people from finding out what you’re saying, either. So either be comfortable with what you put out there, or say nothing.

We also don’t like to feel like we are fodder for conversation when we aren’t around. I mentioned last week how concerned I was that a guy told his friends about who I was and what I did. It’s one thing to feel like somebody is proud of their partner or who they are dating. It’s entirely another to be concerned that someone is dating you for bragging rights. As I’ve said in the past…any guy that says he wants to be written about or doesn’t mind immediately becomes suspect to me. Immediately. Not just because it means he could be  an attention whore, but because I fear he lacks boundaries himself and will broadcast our private life to friends or via Social Media.

Obviously, the issue is boundaries and trust. It doesn’t matter the medium in which you share these details. It’s the fact that you’re sharing them at all that is the problem. The other issue is not just the oversharing, but the need for feedback. You shouldn’t need reinforcement regarding your relationship. If anything, all that noise that will only serve to weaken the bond between you and your partner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Facebook, jealousy, Latests Posts, Social Media

What’s She Got That I Haven’t Got?

December 21, 2011 by 14 Comments

Name: Jen
State: NY
Age: 36
Comment: Dear Moxie,

For the past year I have been doing everything from online dating to speed dating with no luck.  I’ve had some dates here, dated a couple men for several weeks but usually either I’m not their type, their not my type or the guy does a fade out. A close friend has the opposite experience. Every where she goes she meets men. She’s always dating someone and talking about her dates or how the man she’s dating bought her flowers or about how great the sex is with a new guy. Most of the time she’s the one breaking things off with them.  I’m not super picky. I’m petite, outgoing, friendly, attractive and have never been called a bitch (that I know of). My friend is the same age as me, taller, and attractive. We have similar personalities and senses of humor. What am I doing wrong?

 

Without seeing the two of you out and about, I really can’t tell you what she is doing better or worse than you. That is, if you’re actually doing something wrong. This could just be a case of how the cookie crumbles.

Or, she could just have a better attitude than you. Meaning, she doesn’t take it all so seriously and just goes out with whomever asks her, within reason, and has fun. Maybe she’s not relationship focused so therefore can just sit back and enjoy it, because she has no expectations?

Or….

Much of what she tells you is a lie. Or an embellishment, at the very least. I know some men and women to whom “always” having someone in their life is very important. This is a different variation of the “not looking for a relationship” dater. These are the people who date not just to date and have fun. These people date because they have to have someone in their life paying attention to them. They have to have someone they can talk about and brag about. They’re more concerned with being perceived as in demand and desirable than anything else.

I can remember a man once telling me that he was the guy that many of his friends came to for dating advice because “he had the most experience.” It seemed like an odd admission at the time. I’ve heard this before. Usually on a dating blog where the blogger tells her story of how she began blogging. Naturally, she’s the one all her gal pals would turn to in times of dating crisis. It’s an egotistical admission, really. Just a way for someone to try and elevate themselves above their peers. In the end, it doesn’t really mean anything. And here’s a hint: The people who tend to brag the most about their dating experiences are usually the ones with the least actual dating and relationship experience. Also? Most of their relationship experience is usually co-dependent or dysfunctional. The braggers, by bragging or condescending to the peons who haven’t achieved what they believe they’ve achieved, are really just trying to make themselves feel better about their craptastic dating history.

Dating and relationship experience can come in many forms. It’s all about what you learn and take away than how many guys you can get to buy you things or stick around. Remember…they’re not all supposed to stick around. If it were that easy, Match.com would have shuttered its doors by now. Many people feel awkward or weird if by a certain age they haven’t had X amount of long term relationships. I know I did. But relationship experience comes from relating. You can do that on one date, three or three hundred. The more you learn how to relate, the better you become at dating. That’s where so many people struggle. They implode if things don’t happen is a specific way or in a certain time frame. They burn out or give up.

She’s always dating someone and talking about her dates or how the man she’s dating bought her flowers or about how great the sex is with a new guy.

This would be why I suspect she’s exaggerating her experiences. For one, if she knows that you’re feeling frustrated with your dates, it’s just insensitive and self-involved. For two, she’s actually being quite crass and disrespectful to the man she’s seeing by discussing his sexual prowess. That sort of talk is for the tweener set. It’s for people who want everybody to know they’re having sex because that MUST mean they’re attractive. Nothing is more classless than someone hopping on Facebook or Twitter, or sitting out with their posse of pals, and talking about how well endowed their partner is or about how good they are in bed. Let me amend that. Discussing that stuff, while a tad inappropriate, is natural. It’s all about the intention. I can tell when a woman is publicizing her sex life for the benefit of others and when she’s doing it out of genuine happiness or excitement. Most people can. In private between a close friend is one thing. Twitter or Facebooking it? Keep it Klassy.This is the whole reason why the more prolific bloggers and Tweeters do it. They need to remind people that they can still get dates.  It’s really all about competing with other women. Well, second amendment in this post, it’s really all about competing with themselves by competing with other women. It’s all rooted in insecurity and a need to feel better than someone else.

In general, I believe that people who discuss their relationship in a humblebrag way are doing so for somebody else’s benefit. Like the person they are dating, or an ex, or even their friends. They need to maintain some image they’ve drafted of themselves in their head.The more awkward or out of place it seems, the more disingenuous the gesture is.

I also truly believe social media is making this phenomenon worse. Not only is it giving the oversharers a platform and audience, thereby validating the distorted opinions many braggers have of themselves, but it’s also making it harder for others to not compare themselves to everybody else.

My friend J. sent me this article yesterday, and it seems rather fitting for this post, so I’m linking to it. It’s entitled “Facebook is Making Us Miserable.” From the article:

First, it’s creating a den of comparison. Since our Facebook profiles are self-curated, users have a strong bias toward sharing positive milestones and avoid mentioning the more humdrum, negative parts of their lives. Accomplishments like, “Hey, I just got promoted!” or “Take a look at my new sports car,” trump sharing the intricacies of our daily commute or a life-shattering divorce. This creates an online culture of competition and comparison. One interviewee even remarked, “I’m pretty competitive by nature, so when my close friends post good news, I always try and one-up them.”

Between oversharey tweets and Status updates to rotating Facebook Profile Photos…it’s all pretty much an illusion. It’s put out there for the intention of making people feel inadequate and to get the poster some attention.  And yes, I still say that anybody that has to post profile photo after profile photo of them with their omigod new totally awesome girlfriend or boyfriend are trying to stick it to their exes or show off in some way. Suck it.

OP, you need to stop comparing your insides to somebody else’s outsides. Because I guarantee you that, on the inside, things look a whole lot different. Instead of dating with the intention of having a relationship, date to have fun and get to know someone. Take it one step at a time. Enjoy the process and each experience. You will learn so much more about yourself if you do. You’ll also get out of the house, meet new people, have some of the sexy time and not have any time or room in your head for comparing your life to hers.

 

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Facebook, Happy & Healthy, Latests Posts, Loneliness, Meeting Men, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Facebook & Your Partner’s Friends and Family – Do They Mix?

December 16, 2011 by 5 Comments

Name: Lou (Female)
State: NYC
Age: 23
Comment: My boyfriend’s Mom and Brother are Facebook friends with my BF’s ex. He and I have been together for about 8 months. He broke up with his ex about a year ago. I am FB friends with his Mom. Is it weird that his family is still friends with his ex?

 

Well, it’s weird to me, but I’m 20 years older than you and I have an aversion to Facebook Friending where dating is concerned. The men I date don’t have parents on Facebook.

Just because they are Facebook friends doesn’t mean they are actual friends. It’s just a connection on a social media network. It’s not real life. Which means that just because they are friends with you doesn’t mean anything, either.

I asked my friend J about this. She’s 30. She said that this is a generational thing. She said that it’s not uncommon for people to meet a friend or sibling’s significant other and friend them immediately, regardless of how long they have been dating. So, in that regard, I don’t think it’s strange that the ex and your guy’s family were Facebook friends.

As for why they are still Facebook friends, I don’t think that’s terribly significant, either. I don’t know a lot of people who hop on to Facebook to de-friend people. Usually they just leave it up to the other person to do it. Again, it’s Facebook. It’s not worth hurting someone’s feelings. If the ex chooses to stay friends with both, then she’s accepting responsibility for whatever she might see or learn through that connection.

It’s possible that his family can genuinely like his Ex and you equally. It doesn’t have to mean that you rank below her in some way.

I’m not sure I would want to maintain a connection with my ex’s friends or family, though. It could be that the Ex isn’t defriending his family members so she can keep tabs on him and so they can report back to him should she make any major announcements. Or it could have been an amicable break up and they remained Facebook friends, so his family followed suit. As I’ve said before, I believe that once it’s over, it’s over, and all ties should be severed unless you can restrain yourself from torturing yourself by Facebook stalking them.

I don’t know. This just feels kind of…unnecessary to me. Why the need to be friends with your significant other’s family on Facebook? I could understand if you and your partner were engaged or something like that. That makes sense. But going friend request happy 8 months in to a relationship seems like you’re trying too hard. Plus, why would you want to put yourself under such possible scrutiny? I’m opposed to all the customizing that many people do. I can’t be bothered. I just don’t post anything all that provocative or private.

I would feel very uncomfortable with someone – even a family member – friend requesting my boyfriend on Facebook. Especially if we hadn’t been dating for very long. Why? Why the need to make that connection? This might make me sound old fashioned or anal, but I’d expect my friends to check with me first before friending my guy. But maybe I’m uptight and too suspicious? Plus, it just makes things more difficult if the relationship ends. Depending on how things ended, I tend to avoid having any connection between me and the ex. I don’t want them having access to my life. Nor do I want friends casually mentioning things that the ex posted on their Wall. But that’s me.

I’ll leave this up to the readers to give a more detailed response.

 

Share
Filed Under: Awkward, Dating, Facebook, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , ,

What’s The One Thing You Could Improve/Change About Dating?

December 4, 2011 by 8 Comments

In preparation for our upcoming Date Smarter Salon on Dec 7th, I’m writing the outline and companion e-guide.  We’re going to be covering a lot of topics in the class. Such as:

~Online Dating

*How to spot and deal with the time wasters, what behaviors are common, how to make first contact and take thing soff line

~Maintaining Privacy/Security

*Did you know someone can do a Google Image search of your dating profile photos or email address/phone number and get yall kinds of private info?

*How much dating re-con work should you do? How much is considered a violation of privacy?

*How does Facebook and Twitter help/hinder dating and relationships?

~Dating & Sex – Is There Such a Thing As Having Sex Too Soon? -

*How long will a man wait for a woman to decide if she’s ready to take thing to a physical level?

*Do men really judge women for having sex after just 1-3 dates?

~Dating & Finances -

*How has dating changed in the new economy?

*Who pays?

*How have gender roles changed?

~Dating & Commitment

*Why do they act like  aboyfriend/girlfriend but won’t commit?

*Are people committing any more? Why or why not?

*Why do there seem to be more casual and/or Faux-lationships?

 

Here’s my question to you. If you could give the opposite sex (or same sex) advice on any dating related topic…what would it be?

And…

If you could change one thing about dating, what would it be?

Share
Filed Under: Commitment, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating In The New Economy, Dating The Crazy, Facebook, Friend Zone, Latests Posts, Online Dating, Sex, Social Media, Texting, The Talk Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Out of Site

October 2, 2011 by 14 Comments

I’ve had three dates with a guy from OKcupid. I told him I was going to send him a friend request on Facebook. I couldn’t find him no matter what way I searched. Should I ask him about it or do you think he’s hiding something? – Sonia, 33 – Facebook.

Just because you couldn’t find his profile doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one.

Believe it or not, not everybody is all about The Facebook. Especially lately. Facebook scrambled their layout and privacy settings AGAIN, making it possible for viewers to search through years worth of status updates in half the time.

Do I think it’s strange that you couldn’t find his page? No and yes. No, because I think people are more concerned for privacy and Big Brother’s prying eyes. Yes, because…well…I don’t know anyone personally not on Facebook. I would think if he didn’t have a profile he would have told you that. So…if you couldn’t find him by name or email address, and he did make his profile unsearchable, I would wonder why. But I’m suspicious bordering on paranoid by nature.

If you and this guy are on good terms and still actively dating, then it’s unlikely that he blocked you. But if this is a drive-by Facebook stalk after three dates that went nowhere and he hasn’t made any attempts to contact you, he could have just blocked you to prevent an unnecessary ugliness. Only you know if something went down to to bring that on. But if you and he are still in touch and he’s still showing genuine interest then there are a few explanations.

Maybe you don’t have the email address he uses for Facebook. Maybe the name he uses on his Facebook page is some wacky variation of his real name. Or he may have selected the option that Facebook provides that allows people to take their profiles out of public searches, which also includes Google searches.

It’s almost like now the lack of sharing Facebook info is the equivalent to them not giving you their home or main number. The only reason why someone would do that is to prevent calls coming in at inconvenient times. Other than Privacy reasons, my only other guess for why you might not be able to find his profile is because, of course, he doesn’t want you to see his profile…yet. Maybe he’s still involved with someone or is just out of something and needs to clean that up and remove traces of that off his page? Some people take longer than others to delete photos and such. Maybe he doesn’t want his profile page to be found by someone in particular – family, an ex, an employer? That seems like a a lot of effort and inconvenience to go through, though.

Personally, I think someone who is going to those lengths not to be found has a reason and that that negates the whole purpose of Facebook. Why be on there if you don’t want to be found?  It’s one thing to keep Tweets protected and to have strict privacy settings on Facebook. But to not be searchable or able to be found at all on Facebook when they have a profile? In general, somebody that locked down raises red flags with me. Everybody today knows that if they meet someone the first place they are going to go is Facebook. If I’m a cheater… and an experienced one at that…I’ll know what precautions to take, starting with making my Facebook page. I’m locking everything up.

I’d probably ask him if you could friend request him and see what he says. But even then, he might hold off on giving you the link simply because he doesn’t want you having that access to his life just yet.There is always the chance that, if you ask him, he’ll be honest about whatever the reason is. But you have to be willing to accept whatever answer he gives and not press.

Crap. I really don’t know the best course of action here. I think you’re just going to have to wait it out.

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
Filed Under: Dating, Facebook, Latests Posts, Online Dating, Red Flags, Snooping, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,
Newer Posts»