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How Old Is Too Old?

May 3, 2013 by 54 Comments

Name: KrisSchoolgirl
Comment: How old is too old?

I have a crush on a 45-year-old man.  I am 28.  We have spent time together in group settings a few times, are friends on social media and in real life and we always have fun and lighthearted conversation, make each other laugh and seemingly just plain enjoy each other’s company.  Can’t tell if there’s any flirting going on as I’ve been pretty laid-back and slow to make any flirtatious advances myself.  (I read your blog and do my best to take your advice about observing the situation before making any rash conclusions.)

I guess what I’m looking for is some advice about how to take the next step, or even if I should.  I’m not particularly concerned about the age difference, though it could very well be an issue for him.  It’s too soon to tell what he thinks though and I am happy taking things one day at a time.  First thing’s finding out if he’s interested in hanging out on a level that’s not just as friends.

Thanks in advance for your help!
Age: 28
City: Austin
State: Texas

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Filed Under: Dating, First Date Jitters, First Impressions, Flirting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Know If a Guy Is Really Sincere?

February 15, 2013 by 18 Comments

Name: Marie
Age: 45
State: Florida
Question: ok, so I met this wonderful man. His eye contact and body language all showed me he was sincere in everything he talked about. He seems so caring, loving, giving, just the right guy for me all around. My question is he asked me if I would like to go out of town for a few days? We had one date and talked and texted a lot the past few days. Normally I would so no way…I do not even know this man… but I know some people will meet each other for the first time out of town and spend a weekend together. I feel comfortable but am I jumping too fast and possibly putting myself in harms way? I don’t feel like it, but family have told me he could be a bad person and I should not do it. I have dated many men and he is the first real genuine nice and good man I have met where I saw these traits right away… Any thoughts? Thank you !

 

For me, there are two issues here. The first is how blown away you are by this guy based his non-verbal cues. While I am a big believer in the importance of reading body language and paying attention to various cues, none of those things actually prove anything.  In fact, I think there are a lot of men and women out there who know exactly how to present themselves so that they seem more sincere and convincing. We all learn how to navigate situations in a way to get what we want. It’s not difficult to learn these things. Since you don’t know this guy really at all, you don’t have a baseline that can be used for comparison purposes.

Should you take him up on his offer to go away for a weekend? I really don’t know. Yesterday, in the comments of another thread, the issue of whether or not someone would accept a 2nd date on Valentine’s Day came up. A couple of people insisted that they would not do that. Much like the “I’ll only go down on  woman if she freshly showered and shaved” admission, I find such declarations to be a tell. As I said in response to a tweet yesterday asking who accepts a first date on Valentine’s Day, someone who would is someone who doesn’t over-analyze everything. People who swear up and down that they would “never” do certain things like that are actually revealing that they’ve probably never been presented with the opportunity to do so or have their own issues that would prevent them from being so daring. If you met someone you really liked and they asked you for a first or second date on Valentine’s Day, most people would go. Please. The people who say that it’s too much pressure, might set false expectations, etc are making excuses. If you really liked them, you’d go.

Same goes for this request of taking a trip with this guy. People are going to give you all kinds of reasons that you shouldn’t. Personally, I’m not sure that it’s the best of ideas. Traveling with someone – anyone – can be stressful. I’m not sure that you and this man have established the kind of rapport necessary for you to go into this relatively confident that you and he will not have any problems. As for the security concern, that’s valid too. I think it’s unlikely that he’ll chop your hands off and stick you in a freezer, but it’s still something you should consider. Just like people should consider meeting people from online dating sites in a public place for the first date. Caution is good. Just don’t let it rule you.

You say that this is the first guy that you’ve met who has shown you all these traits right away. That, for me, is the big red flag. What does it tell you that “all” the other men you’ve met have not acted this way? It tells me that either you have not so great judgment in men (as witnessed in this post) OR that this guy is being insincere. The fact that these experiences you have seem to fall on the extreme ends of the spectrum is what concerns me.   You seem rather hungry for a genuine connection. I think that might be clouding your judgment.

I think you might be so used to dealing with guys who are unavailable that you jump at the first guy who is available. Neither is really all that smart. I’d want to know why this guy was so eager and available. Look, I’m the bee’s knees. But even I would immediately be suspect of someone who seemed this interested, this quickly. I’d want to know why he was so available. That would be the reason why I would hold off on that trip for now. I think you need to get to know this guy a bit and get a baseline read on him before you make snap judgments.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating Over 40, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, First Date Sex, First Impressions, Game, PUA, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Single, Separated, Divorced: How Honest Should You Be?

January 29, 2013 by 30 Comments

This Frisky article might spark some interesting discussion. Once again, I left a comment and it’s being moderated. I’m starting to think it’s personal. :) From the article:

Finding out that “single” signifier on his online dating profile actually should have read “divorced” has happened to me a grand total of FIVE times. I shit you not! Yes, all the guys listed themselves as “single” online, but mentioned their divorces at some point on the first date during the whole “this is my whole resume and life recap” bit. One guy referred to an ex as his “ex-girlfriend” first before letting it slip that they had been married. 

Personally, I don’t care how they present it initially. As long as they are available and not breaking laws or vows/commitments, I don’t care. I totally get why some people (because women do this too) are hesitant to reveal that they are divorced. This Frisky article, to me, has an underlying tone of judgment. Divorced = baggage/bad. Men and Women both know that people will make assumptions about them if they reveal that they are divorced.

“Oh God. Crazy Ex-Wife/Husband alert!”

“He doesn’t have any money because he got screwed in a divorce!”

“Oh, she lives off alimony. Gold digger!”

That’s why some people aren’t upfront about it. As I’ve said before, people who expect total honesty and full disclosure this soon reveal their own inexperience and issues.

I agree that Single, Separated but Single and Divorced are three totally different things. Divorced and Single, to me, are the same thing. I’d want to know sooner than later, but I wouldn’t automatically assume he was being shady if he told me later.  I’d wonder why he felt uncomfortable revealing this info. That would be my first question to him.

I do agree that someone should be upfront in their profile about just being separated. I’d prefer to know that before I decided to meet them. I still might meet them, though. These situations are rarely cut and dry. Someone could be legally separated but no immediate plans to get divorced for financial reasons. Is that an ideal situation? No. But if the guy comes clean and explains it in a way that doesn’t set off any buzzers, I’d be willing to give it a go.

And an honorable mention goes to O’Ex-Boyfriend who dated me exclusively for two whole months before he let it drop that he wasn’t actually legally divorced yet, only separated. Oh, did you just happen to forget to mention it?!?

If a man you’re dating “exclusively” reveals that he actually lied or intentionally mislead you about his marriage/separation status, guess what that means? It means he was never committed to you and that “exclusivity’ was just a weak promise to sleep with only you “for now” or because you pressured him into committing. It’s not the lie itself that bothers us. It’s the implications/motivations behind the lies and revelations that freak us out.

I once went out with a guy from OK Cupid. On his profile he states that he is single. He didn’t fill out the offspring option and left it blank. He also didn’t reveal in what field he worked.  He encouraged women to read his questions. He answered the question about whether or not he wanted to have kids by checking off No. He qualified that by saying that more kids were not in the cards for him.

But here’s the funny part. He was divorced (which he offered in an email conversation) and has 2 kids and works in a field that didn’t appear relevant or connected to things he admitted in his profile. Yet, despite being secretive and almost intentionally misleading about these points, he discloses in his profile that he wants to meet women who don’t mind that he’s already dating other women. Interesting thing to choose to reveal, no? He’ll be honest about that, yet not forthcoming about things as simple as what he does for a living.  I showed my friend his profile before I met him. He laughed out loud at the line about already dating other women.

“That’s like if I sat here talking to you and, out of nowhere, just poked you in the eye. It’s rude and unnecessary.”

“Maybe he just doesn’t want to date women looking for anything serious or exclusive? That’s why I responded to him.”

This particular friend is my Yoda, Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society and Hannibal Lechter all rolled into one. I half-expected him to look over his glasses at me and say, “Noooo…that’s incidental.”

“No. It’s just rude. It’s meant to be shocking.. Ask yourself why someone would do that.”

I went into that particular date far more alert after that conversation.

Back to the article. The piece also suggested that people should reveal their STD status in their profile.

Ami and I disagree on this one. She doesn’t think that going on a date with someone means there’s a presumption that sex will take place and that people should disclose once it’s clear sex is going to occur. Meanwhile, I say that you should at the very least obliquely indicate your STD status in some way prior to meeting a person for two reasons. One, so other people wirh similar STDs who may want to date someone who knows what they’re dealing with can find you, and two, so someone for whom an STD is a dealbreaker knows whether to to invest the time.

This just in: most first dates go absolutely nowhere. Why should someone make themselves that vulnerable that soon? It’s like the author of this piece doesn’t even take into account how being public about something like that could compromise other aspects of his life.I also find it really…inconsistent…that someone like this particular author who is constantly talking about sex-positivity would write something that makes it clear that she considers an STD a deal breaker.

It’s not up to a virtual stranger to help you manage your expectations and personal biases. Dating involves investing time and money and accepting that there may be very little return on each investment. If you consider investing time in ONE DATE to be a challenge, then it’s really no secret why you struggle to find someone to date regularly.

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Awkward, Dating & STDs, Dating After Divorce, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

First Date No No: Setting a Time Limit To The Date

January 13, 2013 by 34 Comments

The people over at FriendFlirt gave my recent post about First Date Chemistry a shout out. Here’s an interesting suggestion from online dating coach, Laurie Davis:

Laurie’s advice was that the first meeting should be between 45 minutes to an hour. Something low key and simple, just to see if you two click. You want to leave that first meeting right when the chemistry is at it’s peak so that you leave on a great note and are already scheduling your second date.

Or if you don’t click, you didn’t waste a whole lot of time and money on the whole thing.

I love this idea. With the pressure taken off of the first meeting, you two will feel more natural and at ease. Also, if you don’t click, you won’t feel too stressed about it. It was just two people meeting, not a horrible first date.

That sounds like one of those things that dating experts like to say but have never actually implemented themselves. If they had, they’d know why that’s a counter-intuitive approach to dating. Why should someone go through all the motions to prepare for and arrive at a date just for 45 minutes? Not only that, but how does placing a time limit on the date not make your date feel like they’re under a microscope?

I’ve always found that the people who go into dates with these sort of disclaimers and limitations are already half-way to not interested. When people say things like, “Who knows…you might not think I’m your type” or “Why don’t we plan to do XYZ..just in case things don’t work out” they’re really saying, “I’m on the fence.” They’re telling you without telling you that they’re not sure or that they’ve had their share of awkward first dates. They are not complimenting you or being self-deprecating. They are warning you that there’s a real possibility there won’t be a mutual interest. Gee. Sign me up! This sort of strategy is actually quite telling and reflects poorly on the person setting up the rigid time frame of the date.

After doing online dating for a certain amount of time, a person should have developed the social skills necessary to navigate a first date without clicking some imaginary stop watch. They should also be able to learn how to tell if they’re truly interested in someone based on a profile. People should go out with people whom they are genuinely excited to meet. Not just anybody who shows interest. That’s why people get so burnt out on online dating. Stop being afraid to go with it. That is just a sign that you don’t trust yourself and your decisions. Go into a date confident in your choices and you won’t have anything to worry about.

I wouldn’t bother meeting anyone who put this sort of disclaimer on a date. And if someone abruptly put an end to a date – without warning -  that seemed to be going well, I’d be annoyed. Not intrigued. Nobody likes the idea of being bookended between appointments or rushed through their cocktail.  That would cast a shadow on the whole experience.

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Filed Under: Dating & Communicating, First Date Etiquette, first date ideas, First Date Jitters, First Impressions, Online Dating, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

First Date Protocol: What Do You Do When You’re Not Attracted To Them?

January 11, 2013 by 11 Comments

About 4 months ago I met a guy from OKCupid.

I knew the moment he showed up at the bar that I wasn’t attracted to him. I just knew it. This was a rare occurrence for me. In the last 2 years, I have not had one date that didn’t turn into a second/third/fourth/etc date, a request for a second date, a short-term relationship, or..whatever. In the two or three instances where none of that occurred it was because I was the one doing the rejecting. So there I sat with my mojito, looking at his watch, wondering when was the appropriate time to tell him I didn’t feel any magic.

About 20 minutes in he took the menu and started looking it over trying to decide what to order. I couldn’t let him do that. Not only was I not going to let him spend money unnecessarily, I also didn’t want to sit there not eating while he ate or somehow mentally trying to rush him through his meal. So I just came out with it. Ripped that band aid right off. We made it to the 45 minute mark and we said our good byes.

That was the first time in a long time I had to do that. The one other time was with a guy about 2 years earlier. This was a date clear cut “casual” date. The date was designed to determine physical chemistry. I knew going into that date that I wasn’t 100% on board with hooking up with him. When we met I knew it was a no go. The problem? I sensed he was kind of…volatile. Again, I did not let the date progress beyond pleasantries and a cocktail. As expected I was met with a tongue lashing that lasted into the next day. Even when I emailed him to apologize if he felt I had wasted his time, I was met with a barrage of insults.

It’s a tricky situation, right? You show up and, upon meeting someone and giving them that warm hug, you just…know. You know that they’re disappointed or not feeling it. When I was heavier, I got that tweak on almost every date. I would sit there and literally feel the guy trying to accumulate enough minutes before he could say good bye. There was one date that so stuck out in my mind that, when the same guy from the date rated me highly on OKC  a few months ago, I replied to him and told him what an unpleasant experience it was to meet him the first time around. I should have been flattered that he didn’t recognize me, etc. I know. I couldn’t help it.

I’ve never sat there and tried to make myself be attracted to someone. It’s either there or it’s not. I never felt a need to give it time to see if the attraction would materialize. As someone here has said before, who wants to be with someone that has to be convinced to want to see them again?

In an ideal situation neither of you are feeling it. Then you can get through one drink and skeedaddle. Then there’s Scenario B. That’s when you know you’re date is feeling it and you aren’t. Those are the sticky ones. There are, of course, two ways to handle it. You either smile through it and say nothing misleading. Then when you get the email suggesting another date you simply say that you didn’t think you and they were a match. Or you just tell them after the first round that things won’t be progressing, etc. Neither are especially pleasant. I suppose telling someone face to face is a little harsh and uncomfortable. I’d rather do that than allow them to think things are headed a certain way and then blindside them.

How do you handle this sort of thing? Do you know right away? Do you try to wait and see if the attraction will build? Do you leave?

How have you handled it when you’ve been the one who was dismissed?

Would you ever tell someone flat out that you weren’t physically attracted to them? Or do you lie?

 

 

 

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Filed Under: After The First Date, Awkward, Dating, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, First Date Sex, First Impressions, Online Dating, Sex, sexuality

Does How He Asks You Out & How Much He Spends Really Matter?

October 16, 2012 by 24 Comments

Yesterday one of my favorite dating-related columnists, Mandy , wrote an article for XOJane entitled, How to Ask Out a Woman if You Really Like Her, and Also How to F the S Out Of Her Brains.

2. Here’s the magic formula to ask a woman out.

Do a firm, decisive ask. Not, “We should get a drink sometime.” If you are a guy who makes a woman ask you out, there’s something fucking wrong with you. Love and light and all, but that often means you have serious commitment and decision-making issues. If a commitment to a single time and date and location for dinner is too much to handle? Oh, boy.

I also get turned off by the request for just drinks. Like, dude. Invest $100. If you actually like her, fucking do it. So here’s how:

“Hey [Woman], I’d love to take you to dinner on [Specific Date and Time Next Week] at [Specific Nice Restaurant Where You Will Then Make a Reservation]. Does that work for you?” Specific. This is a major panty-peeler.

Confidence. Knowing who you are. Being able to ask a woman to dinner. THIS IS HOT. Shows you are going places! You know yourself! You are a man of action! You are getting shit done! You are your highest self! Hooray for YOU, dude! If she says no? Whatever. On to the next one, you know?

Personally, I don’t give a hoot how a man asks me out. In the past year or so I’ve met men both offline and on, and the invitations are always the same.

“We should get a drink.”

Yes. Yes we should. I don’t care who does the choosing or how the invitation is worded or whether they text or call. (Christ on a pony, can we get past that one, too?) The build up doesn’t matter to me. What transpires on the date does. I prefer drink dates because I like to have a cocktail or two or three. I like stuffing one dollar bills into music players mounted on walls and listening to old music. I like sitting at a bar and having a guy inch his stool closer and closer to me. I also really, really enjoy make out sessions (yes, sometimes even in said bar)  that are infused with a heady buzz from Blue Moons or Shiraz.  If I want to dress up, I’ll dress up. I don’t mind if I’m over dressed. The pre-date getting ready is fun for me. I enjoy it. It gives me an excuse to get my hair blown out and a new manicure and drink a glass of wine and play Madonna really, really loudly.

If a guy is dating online and he’s relatively attractive and socially skilled he’s getting at least a couple of dates a week. That can get expensive. That’s why most men suggest the simple drinks date. Most of my guys friends easily spend $75-$100 or more on first dates. They take their dates to trendy lounges. They’re not scouring Yelp for cheap happy hours or clipping coupons.  PS? No coupons or gift certificates on a first date. Ever. Also put a moratorium on scouting out happy hour specials. Bad first date idea. The drinks will be watered down and you’ll look cheap.

I understand the desire to have a “grown up” date. One where you meet cute and flirt and bat your eyes and giggle until he asks you to dinner. Everything goes perfectly well on the date. It ends with the guy walking you to your door and kissing you on the forehead good night. Then he tells you he had a great time. Yes, that is a sweet notion. It’s just not realistic.

In Manhattan, plenty of men will walk a woman to the subway or to her apartment building strictly to see if she’ll invite him up. I always chuckle inside when guys offer to walk me home or “see me home” under the guise of being polite. (Though my friend M. always walks me home after we go for drinks and he has no interest in sleeping with me, so I might be rushing to judgement on this one.) The ones I feel are genuine or the ones I think I might want to invite upstairs win that honor. The rest? I just wave my Metro Card and tell them I’ll be fine and thank them for the nice night. If the guys aren’t interested, the woman is lucky to have him walk her to the curb to get a cab. The ones just in it for sex don’t even try to pretend to be chivalrous.

Not every date is going to resemble your favorite Rom Com. And that’s okay.  People are busy. Many of us are juggling dates. It’s hard to be “special” when you’re date number two that week. That’s not romantic, I know. But that’s how things are now. We’re usernames from a dating site or an avatar on Twitter or Facebook. We are a number.  Dating has, to some degree, become a little impersonal. That’s why you shouldn’t take stuff like this personally.

It doesn’t have to be all about you in order for it to be a good  date. You can make it a great date all on your own just by being present and enjoying it.

 

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Finances, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, First Date Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Pants or Skirt for a 1st Date?

September 21, 2012 by 13 Comments

A few weeks ago I took part in a Tweet Chat about First Date protocol. The topic of what to wear on a first date came up, and most of the women said they exclusively wore dresses or skirts.

There are a number of reasons why I prefer to wear skirts or dresses on a date. Those clothing choices accentuate the parts of my body that I like. But more than that, wearing a dress or skirt makes me appear more feminine. I’ve mentioned before that I have to do whatever I can externally to make sure I compensate for my more masculine energy. That means everything from getting a manicure to wearing perfume and heels. My demeanor is such that, even in writing, I’m often mistaken for a man.

The spelling of my name doesn’t help matters, which is why I initially tell men that my name is “Kristen.” Not “Christan.” At my Dad’s funeral, when I was called up to do a reading, the priest referred to me as “Christian.” The first two front rows of pews corrected him. No matter where I go, people almost always spell my name incorrectly. The problem isn’t so much the fact that I frequently have to correct people. It’s that the name itself conjures up a male image. That’s not the first impression I want to make.

I was reading a blog yesterday that dissected the whole skirts vs. pants idea. The writer insisted that because her dates told her she looked nice when she was wearing her jeans, tank top and cardigan, that automatically meant that she did. Plus, she added, the mere fact that she was a woman should be enough to qualify her as feminine. SIDE NOTE: I don’t know how the woman looked. She could have looked stunning.  I’m trying to educate women about how common it is for men to say things they don’t mean or that they think are expected of them and how, by hearing these things, women can create a false belief. Do I think they guy meant what he said upon seeing his date in jeans? No. No I don’t. If the guy is one who makes an effort to look nice and not like he just rolled off the coach, then he wants to see the same in his date. And that means no jeans. More than that, I think he wants his date to dress like a woman, not a man. She can wear those jeans, but they have to be complimented with things that are uniquely “feminine.”

Which brings me to the bigger topic:

What do men consider “masculine” or “feminine?” On the flip side, I’d like to know what qualities or traits do women consider “masculine” or “feminine.”

 

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, First Date Jitters, First Impressions, Gender Roles, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Guest Post – Why Dating is not Therapy

September 14, 2012 by 3 Comments

Let me ask you a question. Men want to meet singles and do whatever they can to get that date.  So, why is it that after all the efforts a guy puts into securing this date, they manage to ruin it pretty much right away? They arrive on the date and talk for a good proportion of the time about their ex-girlfriend and how women don’t understand him.

This has to be one of the biggest no no’s on a first date but guys keep doing it time and time again. Sure there is a time and place to talk about ‘history’ but the first date isn’t it. Most guys think they are being vulnerable and show that they are in touch with their feminine side by talking about their ex. What they are actually saying is:

  • That they turn into an emotional wreck when things go wrong
  • That they are not over their previous relationship
  • That they blame others for the situations life has put them in
  • That they have baggage and “unfinished business”
  • That they are not that into you
  • That you might just be the rebound

This may not actually be the case at all, but by talking about their ex on a date as if they were in a therapy session men are reinforcing these ideas. You need to remember that the person sitting opposite you only have what you say to form their opinions on you. Let’s face it, any of the mentioned issues above are enough for a smart girl to get herself together and excuse herself from the date. Clearly not the desired result you want?

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be yourself. Of course you should. Being yourself got you the date remember, but it’s important to also remember that your ex is an ex for a reason. Things didn’t work out. Do you really want to waste time on a date talking about them? You need to guide the conversation on a date to the best version of you. Intrigue her and allow her through great conversation to discover all there is to know about you. No need to lay it all out in the first thirty minutes.

 

Singles Warehouse is the largest online dating magazine on the web bringing you the best news, online dating tips and best dating writers direct to you.  What’s more we’re the fastest growing UK and USA dating website.  So if you’re looking for love look no further.

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Filed Under: First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, First Impressions, Guest Post Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

First Date Second Guessing

August 26, 2012 by 23 Comments

Name: Roo
Age: 39
State: NYC
Question:  Had a date Friday with a woman from Match. We met for drinks then went to a comedy show and then had another drink after. It was getting late and I had to get home to walk my dog. I suggested she come back to my place with me and we could get my dog and walk her together. We get to my place and my date says she’s tired. I say she can crash at my place if she wants and that I’d walk my dog by myself and she could go to bed. I was gone about 15-20 minutes when she called me asking when I’d be back. I returned to my place about 10 minutes later.* When I got home my date told me she was going to go home because she didn’t feel right staying over after the first date. She said “we could do that on the second date.” I’m trying to figure out what happened and whether I should contact her again for a second date. Thanks.

*Edited – The OP emailed me and said he checked his phone to see when she called him. He said he wasn’t gone longer than 20-25 minutes  AND that the woman in question is a dog owner herself.

What happened was that she changed her mind. You know that. The true question is why. The most probable answer is that she felt staying over on the first date was a bad move. What she failed to consider was that changing her mind and leaving after she agreed to stay over is the real bad move here. She didn’t have to have sex with you or fool around. She could have just slept there. If you were a dick about her not wanting to have sex then she’d have her answer and would waste no further time. Instead she sat in your apartment and analyzed the situation to death. She probably texted her friends, too, telling them the haps. Giiirrrl, go home now. He won’t respect you!

OR…

She wasn’t terribly interested in the first place and took advantage of the window of opportunity you provided for her by leaving her alone in your apartment.

OR..

She snooped around your apartment while you were gone and saw something that turned her off/scared her/made her think you have a girlfriend or are otherwise disingenuous.

OR…

She felt sick, got her period or felt she was too tipsy to sleep over.

I’m leaning towards the likelihood that she either over-analyzed the situation or found something in your apartment that turned her off. I can remember the first time I saw the apartment of a man I was dating. In his kitchen were an array of plastic, multi-colored steak knives hung on a decorative rack on the wall. He said that he used to keep regular steel steak knives there, but took them down after one woman he dated saw them, freaked out and left. The first time I stayed over, he said I was “free to look through his medicine cabinet.” Another woman he dated did that and found his Ambien prescription, which then led to an inquiry about why he was taking it, what else was he on, where there is smoke there’s fire, etc. My point is that people will create a back story if it suits them.

Oh, something else you shouldn’t do? You shouldn’t leave strangers alone in your apartment. You’re mighty trusting. While I don’t think she’d steal anything, she’s still likely to totally violate your privacy by snooping. Her rationalization would be that she was making sure you weren’t a serial killer instead of, like, just not going home with you. Leave a woman to her own devices and she will create a story in her head of how things will play out. It becomes a Choose Your On Adventure exercise, with multiple endings. Sadly, most women choose the wrong ending.

I’m not sure what is so magical about the second date other than it’s not the dreaded first date. Another illogical rationalization. First date sex is a bad move. Second date sex is totally better. If she knows she’d be comfortable after 2 dates, then why wait to stay over? Forget it. That’s a rhetorical question. I know the answer – because she’s immature.

Should you call ask her out again? Go ahead. Personally, this sort if behavior would turn me off completely. She didn’t own her choice. She is still dating by antiquated rules created by self-sabotaging women. Plus she kinda nagged you as to your whereabouts. After a first date. You’re a 39  year old man in Manhattan. There are plenty of other women to date. This has already stalled a bit. Now you’re going to have to “prove” you’re not just out to have sex with her.Your choice, though.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

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Filed Under: After The First Date, Awkward, Date Like a Man, Dating, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, First Date Sex, Hook Up Culture, Sex, sexuality, Snooping Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Do You Trust Your Own Dating Instincts?

July 5, 2012 by 3 Comments

Name: lisa
Age: 32
State: NY

Question: Hi. Im going on my first date with a guy I met in a bar, we exchange numbers and since that night txt each other. He asked me out the following week, I told him the next week I would be free but he was like thats so long to see you again. I gave in a little and told him friday of same week he asked me would be fine. We kept talking throughout the week and he told me he was excited he cant wait to see me. Then come Wenesday night,Thursday morning because it was 11:55pm wenesday night he texted me and ask if we could meet Thursday because his “best friend” is in town and he hasn’t seen  him in 2 years and he wanted to see friend on the friday of the day of our date he was leaving town that weekend.We talked and I told him i’m working that thursday so no we cannot do date on that day. He then said ok he will try and meet the friend early in the day. My question is should I still go out with him or cancel because now I feel like second best. Am i wrong for feeling that way or should I just take it for what it is? I think he wanted me to say yes its ok go see your friend. I feel like why make a date with me and then ask me to change it and then say friend is moving into town in a couple of months should I take it that he is lying and he might have someone he is more into that he wants to see on friday than me? Should I just not go out with this guy, Am I settling? he told me we are meeting friday he will meet friend before meeting me. If thats the case why ask me to change day is he playing games?

 

My question is should I still go out with him or cancel because now I feel like second best.

 

You were always second best. That isn’t a slight. At any given time we are all second best or sloppy seconds. It’s unreasonable to think that, after one encounter, we would ever be anything more than that.

This guy was never as interested as he claimed. Interested? Sure. But waiting with baited breath, eagerly anticipating this date? No. Do you know how  I know that? Because when the opportunity came to do something else, he dropped you like a hot rock. At this juncture, he’s really not obligated to make any special effort for you. But what really stands out to me as a red flag is the fact that he seemed sooooo invested after just one conversation, and then turned around and didn’t even try to coordinate his schedule so he could fit you both in on that day/night. Instead of doing that first, he went to you and asked you to step aside claiming some friend was in town.

I feel like why make a date with me and then ask me to change it and then say friend is moving into town in a couple of months should I take it that he is lying and he might have someone he is more into that he wants to see on friday than me?

Yepper. That’s how you should take it. Most men are far more flexible and forgiving if a guy tells them they have a date. If this guy was so enthusiastic about hanging with you, he would have communicated that to his friend. His friend would tell him to go out with you and that they could catch up another time or he could finagle a different time to meet.  If this guy was so interested, then the last thing he would want to do is cancel/reschedule on you, because he’d know that wouldn’t make a good first impression. Which isn’t to say that they guy isn’t interested. He’s just not as interested as he claimed. Inconsistency. File it away, but don’t forget about it.

Should I just not go out with this guy, Am I settling?

Hold on, there. You’re putting the cart before the horse here. (Imagine that line being said with a Boston accent. You know, to make things more fun.) You’re not contemplating co-habitation or marriage. It’s just a date. Do I think this guy is disingenuous? Possibly. Or he’s trying way too hard because he has no options. Bottom line is that you met this dude in a bar and then he tried to get you to see him sooner  by telling you how eager he was to hang out with you, then you agreed to that and he canceled. If these were isolated incidences, I wouldn’t be as suspicious. But all together? This is a cluster of questionable dating behavior. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go out with him. It simply means you need to lower your expectations. Like, a lot.

Most men and women are disingenuous to some degree when it comes to dating. Few people are completely transparent and aren’t putting on some form of a mask or act. Those are the Rules of The Game.  It’s what we do. What people need to do is learn how to tell when someone is being intentionally dishonest for personal gain versus just trying too hard to impress someone.  The only way to know that is to spend time with them.

he told me we are meeting friday he will meet friend before meeting me. If thats the case why ask me to change day is he playing games?

Holy balls. It’s just a drink. Relax. Maybe he is playing games. Who knows? Why does it matter so much? I’ve said this time again, there is no blue ribbon for getting duped or pumped and dumped the least. Go out with him. Have fun. Take it from there. Nobody says you have to sleep with him or marry him. If he’s a phony, that will be revealed.

Trust yourself more. That’s the real problem here. You don’t trust your own judgment. You’re not afraid he’ll do something hurtful. You’re afraid that you’ll fall for it and make a fool of yourself. You know what? You might get fooled. But this just in…you’ll survive. Trust me. You will. We need the questionable experiences as much as we need the positive experiences. That’s how we become better at this wacky thing called dating. It’s how we sharpen our social skills and instincts.

Analysis paralysis is the leading cause of singledom. You heard it here first.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Skills, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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